Heart Of A Dog Oh, look at me, l’m dying. some bastard in a dirty white cap, a cook
in the Normative Nourishment canteen… …at the Central Council of National
Economy, spilled some boiling water
and scalded my side. What a swine. And a proletarian too. Christ, it hurts. What harm was l doing? l’m not robbing the Council of National
Economy’s food supply if l go foraging
in their garbage cans, am l? Greedy pig. A thief with a copper snout. God, l am so hungry. We are back from the field. And everywhere class
enemies are celebrating. Tell me, Uncle,
for the sake of the people No enemy will escape our punishment. The hoofs are knocking, The machine-gun is sounding. The White guard is all beaten up. But no one will ever
overpower the Red army! The White guard is all beaten up No one will ever overpower
the Red army! Of all the proletariat janitors are the most vile filth. Human refuse of the basest sort. Cooks vary. Take Vlas, the late Vlas from
Prechistenka street. The lives he saved! When Vlas used to throw you a bone
there was always a good eighth
of an inch of meat on it. Sharik, poor thing, you are so cold. A typist… She gets a category nine salary
of 45 roubles a month. She is underpaid at the office, they
give her rotten food at the canteen. She hasn’t got enough money
for the cinema… …and the cinema is a woman’s
one comfort in this life. Did any one ever kick you
on the backside with a boot? Or hit you with a brick in the ribs? My body is all broken, all beaten up. People have committed just about
every outrage you can think of on it. She called me Sharik. l am no Sharik, am l? Sharik is the sort of name
for a round, fat… …stupid dog that’s fed on oatmeal,
a dog with a pedigree. And what about me? My future is crystal clear to me. Tomorrow l’ll get pneumonia… …and having contracted that l,
dear citizens, will die of hunger. l will try to crawl about on my stomach,
getting weaker and weaker… …and the first toff will
finish me off with a stick. Yeah, this one wouldn’t
eat rotten salt beef. What would he want to buy
in that filthy store? Sausage! Dear sir! Better give it to me. As a matter of fact what use
is special Cracowian to you? What good is a bit of rotten
old horsemeat to you? lt’s only in Mosselprom
that you can get muck like that. There’s nothing for it;
l will lick your hands. No collar. Excellent. You’re just what l want. Come with me. Obukhov Alley? Very well. This place
is very well known to me. Good evening, Philip Philipovich. – Good evening, Fyodor.
Any letters for me?
– None at all, sir. What are you waiting for?
Don’t be afraid, come on. Hey, no, wait a minute. There’s a porter
here… much more dangerous than janitors. Worse than cats. Come, come. Come in, please. Philip Philipovich, there’re new
residents just been put into Flat Three. – Really?
– Yes, indeed, sir, four of them. My God! l can just imagine what
it must be like in that flat now.
What are they doing there? Nothing special, sir. And Fyodor Pavlovitch? He’s gone to get some screens and bricks.
They’re going make partitions,
Philip Philipovich. l don’t know what the world
is coming to! Dear me, dear me! Come, come with me. Where on earth did you get that from,
Philip Philipovich? He does look lousy. What nonsense. He isn’t lousy. That’s not lice. lt’s a scald. Who was mean enough
to throw boiling water over you? Eh? Take him into the consulting room
at once and get me my smock. Come with me. Come. This way, come. – Oh, l can’t Philip Philipovich!
– Doctor Bormenthal, get the ether! – Doctor Bormenthal!
– Hold on, you bastard! Zina, grab him by the scruff
of the neck, damn him! No electricity. Again. Just a moment. Look out, Doctor. …from Seville to Granada…
in the still of the night… Now, you little tramp,
why did you bite the Doctor? Eh?
Why did you break all that glass? All right, you’ve come to,
so just lie there, stupid. So it’s me who bit him.
That’s my work. That’ll mean a beating. However did you manage to lure such
a nervous dog, Philip Philipovich. By kindness. The only way to deal
with a living being. Terror will get you nowhere.
That l have maintained, do maintain,
and always will maintain. They believe, terror will
help them. Well, it won’t. No matter which one it is…
white, red or even brown. Zina! l bought this good-for-nothing
some Cracowian sausage. Take the trouble to feed him
when he gets over his nausea. Cracowian sausage!? l’d rather eat
the Cracowian salami myself. Just you try! Poison to the human
stomach, that’s what it is. You are a grown-up girl, but you go on
putting all sorts of nasty things
into your mouth, like a child. Remember: neither me, nor doctor Bormenthal
will bother ourselves with you… …when you go down
with a stomach ache. So, you’ve come to?
Let’s go see the patients. Shut up. An old patient. Good afternoon, Professor. – Gracious me, l wouldn’t have
recognized you, my good man.
– You are a magician, a wizard, Professor. – How have you been sleeping?
– Are we alone, Professor? lncredible. Parole d’honeur, l haven’t
known anything like that for 25 years. Believe it or not… …every night l dream of naked
girls… hordes of them. Take off your pants. Oh, Professor, if only you had discovered
a way of rejuvenating hair too! One thing at a time, my dear,
one thing at a time. Look here, you shouldn’t overdo it,
you know. l don’t. Only as a sort of experiment,
dear Professor. Well, and what were the results? Oh! I swear to God, l haven’t known
anything like that for 25 years. The last time was in 1899
in Paris on the Rue de la Paix. Excellent. Everything
is in great shape. l admit, l never expected
such results. streams of blood and song galore… And to the one who’s
most enchanting… One, two, three. – You need not come for another
check-up for two weeks.
– Thank you. The age is not filled in correctly.
lt is probably between 54 and 55. Heartbeat’s muffled. – Do come in.
– Good afternoon, Professor. – How old are you, madam?
– Oh, Professor… Professor, l swear that if you knew
the agony l’ve been going through..! – Your age, madam?
– Upon my honour… Well, l am 45. Madam, there are people waiting.
Please don’t waste my time.
You’re not my only patient, you know. l will tell you and you only
as a luminary of science. – How old are you, madam?
– That is just awful. l am 51. Take off your knickers. This way. lt is such agony, Professor.
lt is so appalling. l am at a loss what to do.
Help me, Professor. Not too moral a flat. But what comfort. What the hell can he want me for? Will he let me live here?
What an eccentric. He could get a pedigreed dog
at the drop of a hat. And what if l am good-looking?
l must be lucky. But that owl is trash. Get dressed. l swear, Professor, this boy Morits…
He is my only passion. He cheats at cards. He is notorious
throughout Moscow. He can’t resist a single
disgusting little salesgirl. But he is so devilishly young! l will implant the ovaries of
a monkey into your body, madam. What? Not a monkey, surely,
Professor? Yes. When is the operation? …from Seville to Granada…
in the still of the night… Monday. You will go into the clinic in the
morning, my assistant will prepare you. No, l don’t want to go into the hospital.
Can’t you do it here, Professor? lmpossible. You see, l operate
at home only in extreme cases. lt will be too expensive.
500 roubles. – That is all right.
– settled. Good bye, Professor. ls there anyone here
besides the tenants? – No.
– Where is the Professor? Over there. – Have you come to see me?
– Don’t worry, comrade. We’ve come to see you, Professor,
on a matter of business. You, my good sirs, are most unwise
to be going around without galoshes.
ln the first place you’ll catch cold. ln the second you’ve left dirty
footprints all over my carpets
and all my carpets are Persian. – ln the first place, we are not your good sirs.
– ln the first place, are you a man or a woman? – What difference does it make, comrade?
– l am a woman. ln that case you may
keep your cap on. As for you, dear sir,
be so kind and take yours off. Don’t ”dear sir” me. – We’ve come to see you Professor
on a matter of business.
– Who are ‘we’? We are the new House Management
Committee of this block. l am Shvonder, her name
is Viazemskaya. Comrade Pestrukhin and
comrade Zharovkin. – lt was you they settled into
Fyodor Pavlovich Sablin’s flat?
– Us. Ah, God, this house is finished. What’s
going to happen to the steam heating? – Are you making fun of us, Professor?
– Far from it… So, what brings you here?
Be brief, it’s my dinner time. We’ve come to see you Professor
for the following reason. We, the House Committee, have come to see
you after a general meeting of the tenants… …of this block, at which the question
of the reallocation of living space stood… Who stood on whom? Be so good as to express
yourself more clearly. The question of the reallocation
of living space stood on the agenda. Do you realize, that
under the regulation… …of April twelfth 1924… …my flat is exempt from any and
every reallocation and resettlement? We know that. But when the general meeting
after due consideration of the question… …came to the conclusion that, by
and large, you occupy too much space. – Far too much.
– You live alone in seven rooms! l live and work in seven rooms. And l should very much like an eighth.
l need a room for a library. – An eighth? That’s cool.
– lncredible. Excuse me, Professor, but the general
meeting of the tenants
of this block requests you… …as a matter of labour discipline… …to give up your dining
room voluntarily. – No one in Moscow has dining rooms.
– Not even lsadora Duncan. And also that you should give up the
consulting room. Your study can double
perfectly well as a consulting room. – Quite so.
– ls that right, comrades? Where am l supposed
to partake of food? ln the bedroom. l expect that is what
lsadora Duncan does. Perhaps she dines in her study and
dissects rabbits in her bathroom. Perhaps. But l am not lsadora Duncan. l will dine in the dining room and
operate in the operating theatre. Pray inform the general meeting of this.
And meanwhile kindly allow me… …to take supper where
all normal people do so. And not in the hall and
not in the nursery! ln that case, Professor,
in view of your stubborn resistance… …we shall complain about you
to higher authorities. Just a moment. Please, wait a minute. Put me through to Pyotr Alexandrovitch.
Professor Preobrazhensky. Pyotr Alexandrovitch? l am glad l was
able to reach you. Thank you, l am well. Pyotr Alexandrovitch,
your operation is canceled. And so are all my other operations. l am giving up my practice in Moscow
and in Russia in general. Four people have just come in to see me.
One of whom is a woman dressed as a man. Two men are armed with revolvers.
They are terrorizing me! Pardon… Professor… l cannot work under such conditions
and have no right to. So l shall cease my activities,
lock up my flat, and go to Sochi. l can leave the keys with Shvonder.
Let him operate. But on one condition. l don’t care who, where or what, …provided it’s the sort of paper
that would keep Shvonder… …or whoever from even approaching
the door of my apartment! The ultimate in certificates.
Factual! Real! A true protection! l don’t want my name even mentioned!
As far as they are concerned, l am dead. Hand the receiver to Shvonder. Would you mind, you’re wanted
on the telephone. Hello. Yes… l’m Shvonder, the chairman
of the House Management Committee. Yes. We were only acting according
to the regulations… l understand. The Professor has quite
exceptional privileges anyway. We know about his work. We were going to leave him
no less than five rooms… This is a disgrace. lf there were a discussion now l would
prove to this Pyotr Alexandrovitch… Pardon me, do you wish to open
a discussion right now? l can understand your irony,
Professor. We will leave now. Still, as chairman of
the cultural department of this house l… – Chairwoman.
– Chairwoman. …l suggest that you buy some of these
magazines sold for the benefit
of the children of Germany. – Fifty kopecks a copy.
– No. l will not. – But why not?
– l don’t want to. – You have no sympathy for the children
– l do have sympathy. – You grudge fifty kopecks?
– No. – Why then?
– l don’t want them. You know, Professor, if you were not
a luminary known throughout Europe… …if you hadn’t been interceded for by
certain people in the most disgraceful way… …you should be arrested.
– What for? – You don’t like the proletariat.
– No, l don’t like the proletariat. Zina, dear, do please, serve the supper.
With your permission, ladies and gentlemen? Doctor Bormenthal, pray, leave
the caviar alone, will you. l’d like to give you a piece of sound
advice, pour yourself some Russian vodka… – …instead of the English vodka.
– With the blessing of the state? How could you, my dear fellow.
Darya Petrovna prepares excellent
homemade vodka herself. l wouldn’t say that,
Philip Philipovich… …everybody says that the new vodka
is quite good, 30 proof. Vodka should be at least 40 proof,
not 30, that’s number one. And number two, one can never tell
what muck they put into it nowadays. – Can you tell me what may occur to them?
– Anything. That’s just what l think. And now, lvan Arnoldovitch,
gulp this little bit at once. And if you tell me you don’t like it,
you are my sworn enemy for life. You don’t like it? You don’t? Answer me, dear Doctor. – lt’s excellent.
– l should think so. Mind you,
lvan Arnoldovitch, that the only people, …who take vodka with cold collations and
soup are a few remaining landlords whom
the bolshevicks didn’t have time to murder. Anybody with a spark of self-respect
takes his hors d’oeuvres hot. And of all the hot hors d’oeuvres
in Moscow, this is the best one. Once they used to do them magnificently
in ”Slaviansky Bazar”. There, take it. lf you feed a dog at table, afterward you
won’t get him out of here for love or money. l don’t mind.
The poor thing’s starved. Food, lvan Arnoldovich, is a subtle
thing. One must know how to eat. And yet just think of it that most people
don’t know how to eat at all. One must not only know what to eat, but
when and how, and what to say while eating. lf you care about your digestion,
my advice is: …don’t talk about Bolshevism
or medicine at table. And, God forbid, never read soviet
newspapers before dinner. – But there are no other newspapers.
– So don’t read any at all. l once made thirty tests in my clinic.
And guess what. Those of my patients whom
l forced to read ”Pravda”… …lost weight. And to top it off they had retarded
knee reflexes, lost appetite… …and exhibited symptoms
of general depression. Yes. The difficult years of fighting for the liberty of this
country are gone. The ones that follow them are also difficult. Zina, my dear, what’s that noise? – They’re having another general meeting.
– What, again? Oh well, so it’s started.
This is the end of this house.
Now they’ll get things rolling. First of all, there’ll be community
singing every evening, then the pipes
will freeze in the lavatories… …then the steam-heating pipes
will blow up, and so on. You paint too grim a picture,
Philip Philipovich. They’re very different now. And l won’t mention the boiler,
my dear… Let them! When there’s a social revolution
going on, one does without central heating. But l ask you, why all this,
when did it all start… …Why is everybody marching up
and down the marble staircase
in dirty galoshes and felt boots? Just listen to that! Why must we still keep galoshes
under lock and key… …and put a soldier on guard over them
to prevent them from being stolen? He could well be making money speaking
at meetings. A First rate speaker. Why was the carpet removed
from the main staircase? ls it that Karl Marx forbids people
to cover staircases with carpets? Did Karl Marx write somewhere, that
the front door Number Two of the house
on Prechistenka street… …should be boarded up, so
that people have to go around
and come in by the back door? What good does it do to anybody?
Why can’t the proletariat leave… …his dirty galoshes downstairs
instead of dirtying the marble? – But the proletarians don’t have any
galoshes at all, Philip Philipovich.
– Nothing of the sort. They do have galoshes now
and those galoshes are mine! The very same galoshes
that disappeared in 1918. So the question is who pinched
them? Me? lmpossible. Sablin the bourgeois? Polozov,
the sugar manufacturer? On no account. lt was done by those
songbirds up there. But if only they would take them off
when they go upstairs. Why on earth did they have to remove
flowers from the landings? Why does the electricity, which if
l remember right only failed twice
in the past twenty years… …now go out regularly twice a day? – lt’s Disruption, Philip Philipovich.
– And what does this ”disruption”
of yours mean? An old woman with a broomstick? A witch who smashed all the windows
and put out all the lights? No such thing. What do you
mean by that word? l’ll tell you what it is:
lf instead of operating every evening
l were to start singing in chorus… …in my apartment,
l would get Disruption. lf when l go to the lavatory l don’t pee,
if you’ll excuse the expression,
into the bowl but on the floor instead… …and if Zina and Darya Petrovna
do the same, there would be
Disruption in he lavatory. Disruption, therefore, does not happen
in lavatories, but in people’s heads. So when those baritones start
howling ”Away with Disruption”. Really, l laugh. lt means that every one of them should
hit himself on the back of the head! And then when he has knocked
all the hallucinations out… …and gets down to cleaning out the barns,
which is his job in the first place,… …all this Disruption will
disappear of its own accord. You can’t serve two gods,
dear doctor. You can’t sweep the dirt out of the
streetcar tracks and settle the fate… …of some foreign beggars
at the same time. You sound like a counterrevolutionary,
Philip Philipovich. Nothing dangerous. Nothing
counterrevolutionary. incidentally, that’s another word
l simply can’t stand. What the devil is it supposed
to mean, anyway? Nobody knows. No, there’s nothing counterrevolutionary
in what l am saying. lt’s full of sound sense
and a lifetime of experience. Merci. Do you need me this evening,
Philip Philipovich? No, thank you. We won’t
do anything today. For one thing, the rabbit is dead,
and for another there’s ”Aida”
at the Bolshoi tonight. lt’s a long time since l heard it.
Do you remember that duo? – l’ll go in time for the second act.
– How do you find time for everything,
Philip Philipovich? One can find time for everything
if one is never in a hurry. l believe in the division
of labour, Doctor. Let them at the Bolshoi sing and
l shall operate. And that’s right.
And there’d be no Disruption. ls you flank going to heal soon? And there’s something else, lvan
Arnoldovich, be on the lookout,
as soon as there is a suitable corpse… …take it straight from the table,
place it into the nutritional fluid
and bring it to me. Don’t worry, Philip Philipovich,
the pathologists have promised me. Professor, it will be an experiment
unparalleled in the world. No doubt. Meanwhile, we’ll examine
this neurotic street Arab of ours. Soon we’ll need you. l am handsome. Perhaps l’m a dog prince,
living incognito. l wouldn’t be surprised if my grandmother
had had an affair with a Labrador. That explains the white patch on my snout.
l wonder how it got there? …from Seville to Granada… in the still of the night… You can here the serenade… Oh you are like a devil! Stop it!
Zina may be back any minute. What’s the matter with you?
have you been rejuvenated too? l don’t need rejuvenating!
You’re so passionate! Get out, get out! shameless bastard! l’ll hit you
with a log, don’t you spy on us! l didn’t clear it up on purpose so
that you could take a good look. You should rub his nose in the owl,
so that he learns not to spoil things. Why did you ruin the owl, you little
bastard? Was the owl doing you any harm? Was it, now? Why did you smash
the portrait of Professor Mechnikov? He needs at least one good hiding,
or he’ll become completely spoiled. Just look what he’s done to your
galoshes, Philip Philipovich. Nobody must be beaten. Never.
Remember that once and for all. Animals and humans can only
be dealt with by persuasion. Have you given him his meat today? Lord, he’s eaten everything there is in the
house. l’m surprised he doesn’t burst. Let him eat. lt’s good for him. – Did Doctor Bormenthal call?
No murders today?
– No. Send the owl to the taxidermist today.
Now then, here’s eight roubles, …and another sixteen kopecks
for the carfare. Go over to Myur’s and
buy a good collar. What harm did professor Mechnikov
do to you? Little hoodlum. Good boy. There’s a good dog. Where are you going? Come to me. Where are you going? Come to me.
Come, come. A collar’s just like a briefcase. l have won the main dog’s prize. A knife wound in the heart? Excellent.
Bring it round at once, at once. Zina! Tell Darya Petrovna to answer
telephone calls and take notes.
No visitors. Get dressed, l need you here. The dead man – Klim Grigorievich
Chugunkin, 25 years old, single,
not a party member, sympathizer. Brought before court three times
and found not guilty the first time
for lack of evidence… …the second time he was saved by his
social origins, the third time given a
suspended sentence of 15 years hard labour. Thefts.
Profession: Plays the balalaika
in pubs. Enlarged liver from alcohol. Cause of death: struck in the heart
with a knife in a pub. Quiet, come, come with me. Come on, Sharik? Sharik. Come here, don’t be afraid. Zina, take off the collar,
only don’t excite him. Doctor, the ether, quick. May l leave now, Philip Philipovich? You may. Well, doctor. All in all we have
nine and a half minutes. God help us. The knife. Scissors. Give me the glands. Put in the stitches, doctor,
sew the skin this instant. No one in Europe could equal
you, by God, Professor. Cut it out. Turn him over. Quicker. Trepan. – The pulse is dropping.
– lnjection. – lnto the heart?
– Why ask? He would have been dead five times
on your hands. Make the injection. – He is alive, but only just.
– Stop musing… alive, not alive. Give me the pituitary. 10 minutes. He is dead of course? – A thread of a pulse.
– Stitch him up. Zina, l want clean
clothes and a bath. l’ll be damned! Just look at him,
he is not dead yet. All the same he’ll die. l feel sorry for the dog, he was
good and affectionate although
he had his little ways. And so, Timofeeva, you want
to christen your twins? l want to name them. That’s right, l propose
the following names: Barricade, Bebelina, Festelina… No, no, no. No. Let’s give them simple names:
Clara and Rose. ln honour of Clara Zetkin
and Rose Luxembourg, comrades. The red thunderstorms are past We have won a victory. Mop up the tears shed in battle With your sleeve. Meet my colleagues. Vasily Vasilievitch Bundarev,
Professor specializing in skin diseases. Nikolai Nikolaevitch Persikov, …director of the Moscow Exemplary
Veterinarian institute… How do you do. This way, please. You may begin, Doctor. l am at a loss. By God,
it’s unbelievable. Start reading. On December the 23rd Prof. Preobrazhensky
commenced the first operation of its kind… …to be performed in Europe. Under chloroformic anaesthesia the dog’s
testicles and pituitary gland were removed… ..and replaced by implanted human testes
and pituitary taken from a dead male. Purpose of the operation:
conduct an experiment to find out… …about the functional viability
of the pituitary in a host organism
and its role in rejuvenation. Operation performed by:
Prof. P.P. Preobrazhensky,
Assisted by: Dr. l.A. Bormenthal. – Very interesting. And the outcome?
– Yes, what are the results? The results are amazing. There has been malting of hair on the
forehead and along the sides of the torso. The bark, instead of ‘aow-aow’, has
now grown more reminiscent
of the sounds ”ah” and ”uh”. But the most important point is the
lengthening of the extremities and
the replacement of claws with nails. This way. Doctor. Gentlemen. Very strange. These symptoms appeared on the fourth
day following the operation. – The nails grow at an incredible pace.
– l’ve been watching it for two days now. Congratulations, colleague. Wells’
characters are nothing compared to you. – Well, l thought it was all rubbish.
– What use talking about Wells
and minor matters. Colleague, what you did was unheard of.
lt’s a revolution in medicine. A triumph! l am very glad. But still, colleagues:
what is the diagnosis? – such cases are not
described in literature.
– l am at a loss. No one has observed anything
like that. Let us keep watching. Give him some herring. A change in taste occurred yesterday. People are saying Martians
live here now. To hell with Martians. Look,
here it is in black and white
in the paper of January the 7th: …rumors about Martians in Obukhov alley
are spread by traders in Sukharevka… …they will be severely punished.
ls that clear?
– So what the hell are you doing here? God knows. When l get my manuscript published
l’ll stress, that l couldn’t have
managed without you. That doesn’t matter.
All the same, thank you. Catch him! Professor, he stood up! – Just notice how quickly he is
– 25 kilos. – He is eating twice the amount he
– Switch the phonograph on. That’s phenomenal. – Perhaps, he is hungry?
– Bring something, please. Professor, we are witnessing
a miracle. Do you know what ”abyrvalg” is? lt’s… GLAVRYBA, fishery, colleague,
spelled in reverse order. lt’s GLAVRYBA. Doctor, ammonium chloride. Professor, his tail fell off. Humanity is likely to remember
for a long time this inheritance… ..left by the time of
military communism. Let these glands living a life of their
own be turned into special machines… …special factories for rejuvenating
and improving living humans! Me too, l read Brokgauz and Efron.
l read two volumes. You read and read, the words
are not difficult. Mechislav, Boguslav and l’ll be damned
if l can remember who is who. Once you close the book,
nothing is left! l do remember one name: Mandrian. What sort of Mandrian?
There is no Mandrian in the book. There on the left page were two Bronetskis.
One was mister Adrian, the other Marian. And l have Mandrian. And l have Mandrian. No, no, no. There’ll be
no reception today. l can’t. God knows what, 82 phone calls.
Everybody’s crazy! lvan Arnoldovitch, please. Excuse me, l am a newspaper reporter.
Thank you. – Excuse me, Doctor…
– l am sorry, but there’ll be
no reception today. – Professor…
– Professor will inform
every one of the time of the appointment. l am sorry, it is absolutely impossible to do
anything today, l am sorry, very sorry. Kerosene stove. American recognition. Moscow state clothing stores.
Kerosene stove. Pub. A couple more. Pub. A couple more. Pub. A couple more. Pub. A couple more. Moscow state clothing stores, Moscow state
clothing stores. Pub. A couple more. Bourgeois, bourgeois. Stop pushing, bugger. Get off the bus.
You son of a bitch. Stop it. Kerosene stove. American recognition. Moscow state clothing stores,
Moscow state clothing stores,
Moscow state clothing stores. Kerosene stove. Pub. l must acknowledge my mistake. Transplantation of the pituitary induces
not rejuvenation but total humanization. This does not, however, lessen the value
of you stupendous fantastic discovery. Moscow state clothing stores.
You son of a bitch. Moscow state clothing stores. Moscow state clothing stores… Yes, yes,
Doctor, dear, Moscow state clothing stores. Kerosene stove. lvan Arnoldovich, please do go
and buy him a jacket and pants. An amazing phenomenon. ”Recently a baby was born in Obukhov
Alley who plays the violin” ”lt was only thanks to the achievements
of contemporary medicine
that it could be born.” ”The photo shows Prof. P.P. Preobrazhensky,
who performed the Caesarian section
on the mother.” – Caesarean.
– Let it be Caesarean. – But it’s doctor Bormenthal.
– Let me see. Take my word for it, on May the 4th 1925
the world will crash into a heavenly axis. – That’s true, l tell you. That’s true.
– My Goodness. Catch him. Damn you. – Put on the pants.
– Just a minute. Queue up, bastards, queue up! – Give him some herring.
– Queue up! Give a cigarette, you
have got striped pants. Don’t spit on the floor. Get lost, louse. lf ever again you let yourself
insult me or the Doctor… …you’ll be punished. He understands, Philip
Philipovich, he understands. Every day his brain becomes
more and more awake. Professor, Sharik will develop into a
very intellectually advanced personality. You think so? Are you OK, Philip Philipovich? We have created such mess
with this pituitary… …that the flat has become
uninhabitable. lvan Arnoldovich, dear… …please move in with me for the time
being, otherwise l can’t handle him. Come on, comrades. Professor Preobrazhensky’s
marvelous experiment… …has unveiled one of the mysteries
of the human brain. The mysterious function of the pituitary
has now been clarified! lt determines human appearance. A new field has been opened up to science,
without the aid of any Faustian retorts
a homunculus has been created. The surgeon’s scalpel has brought
to life a new human being. Prof. Preobrazhensky…
you are a creator! Physically, he is a complete human
being, weight about 108 lbs. Below medium height. Eats human food, has started smoking. Plays musical instruments. Here you are. Philip Philipovich, that’s enough,
isn’t it. Eh, talk Moscow, speak Russia Oh, my tasty apple Here comes a girl with
the white skin. With the white skin
in a precious fur-coat Give us something and
you’ll remain intact. Oh my tasty apple Come here, bourgeois,
l’ll pluck your eye out. l’ll pluck one eye out
but the other will remain For you, bastard, to see,
before whom to bow. – Philip Philipovich, are you OK?
– Philip Philipovich! Professor! What a misfortune. Pulse. Pulse, check the pulse.
Ammonium chloride. Open the windows, open the windows! ls he still dancing? He is. ”There’s no doubt that it is
his illegitimate… …(as they used to say in rotten
bourgeois society) son. That’s how the pseudo-learned members
of our bourgeoisie prefer to have fun. Everyone can well occupy seven rooms
until the glittering sword of justice… …flashes over him like a red ray.
Shvonder. Damn it all. The moo-soon is shining…
shining bright… The moon is shining…
l can’t get rid of the damned tune! Zina, tell him it’s five o’clock. Tell him to shut up. Yes. And ask him to come here, please. l believe l have already requested you
twice not to sleep on the high bunk in
the kitchen… particularly in the daytime. The air is more agreeable
in the kitchen. What on earth is that repulsive
object? l mean your tie. What’s repulsive about it?
lt’s a smart tie. Darya Petrovna gave it to me. ln that case, Darya Petrovna has given you
an abomination, like those shoes of yours. What sort of glittering
trash are they? Am l worse than other people? Just take a walk down the Kuznetzky Most
and you’ll see everybody
wearing patent-leather shoes. Sleeping in the kitchen must stop.
Understand? There are women there. Huh – women. Fine ladies. They’re ordinary servants, but you’d
think they were… commissars. lt’s all that slut Zina. She’s
always griping about me. Don’t you dare to call Zina
a slut! Understand? Understand? Yeah, l understand. Now then. Don’t throw cigarette butts
on the floor, don’t spit,
don’t make a mess in the lavatory. Do not ever talk to Zina any more. he complains that you wait
for her in dark corners. And who told the patient: …’Devil alone knows’? Where d’you think you are,
in some low dive? You sure being too hard on me, Dad. What?! Don’t you dare call me Dad! What impertinent familiarity? You will
address me by my name and patronymic! Aw, why can’t you lay off? Don’t spit…
Don’t smoke… Don’t go there… lt’s just like the rules in a tram.
Why don’t you let me live? And about my calling you Dad.
You are wrong here. l didn’t ask you to perform
the operation, did l? A fine business! You go and grab hold
of an animal, slice his head open, …and now you’re sick of him! l didn’t give permission
to operate on me, did l. Neither did my relatives. l guess l have the right to sue you. So you object to having been turned
into a human being, do you. Maybe you’d prefer to be sniffing
around garbage cans again?
Or freezing under gateways? Why do you keep on at me?
Garbage cans, garbage cans!
Perhaps l was making my living there. And what if l’d died under your knife?
What d’you say to that, comrade? My name is Philip Philipovich.
l’m no comrade of yours! Oh sure, l know. Of course,
how else, we’re not your comrades! How could we. We understand, sir! We didn’t go to universities. We never had a flat of fifteen
rooms and a bathroom. Only now it is time to forget
about all that. At present everybody
has his own rights. Use your fingers to catch fleas!
Use your fingers! l can’t understand,
where you get them from? You don’t think l breed
them on purpose, do you? l guess fleas just like me. There is no time to weep When we leave the stirrup and
take up the steel of labour. There is one answer to every question And there is no other. l need some papers,
Philip Philipovich. Papers? Damn. – May be… H’m… Perhaps we might…
– sorry, no. You know yourself, that a man without
a document is strictly forbidden to exist. To begin with, there’s
the House Committee… – What has the House Committee
got to do with it?
– What do you mean? Everything. Every time l meet one of them they ask me
when l’m going to get registered. l can just imagine what you tell them.
l thought l told you not
to loaf around the stairs! That sounds rather insulting. Very insulting. What am l… a convict?
What do you mean,’loaf’?! What does your precious
House Committee say, then? There’s no call to brand it ‘precious’.
lt protects people’s interests. Whose interests, may l ask? Everyone knows. The working
class element’s. Are you a worker then? That’s obvious, l am not a capitalist. So how does the House Committee propose
to defend your revolutionary rights? Easy. You ought to register me. They say it is unheard of… …that a man should live in Moscow
without registration. That is for starters. But the most
important thing is to have a record card. l don’t want to be taken
for a deserter. And then again there’s the Union,
the Labour Exchange… And how, pray, am l supposed
to register you? You have got neither
name nor surname. That is not fair. l can very easily chose
a name for myself. – l announce it in the newspapers
and there you are.
– What do you wish to be called? Poligraph Poligraphovich. Stop playing the fool, l am serious. l don’t get it. l mustn’t swear.
l mustn’t spit. Yet all l ever hear from you
is ‘Fool, fool’. l guess that in the RFR swearing
must be for professors only. l beg your pardon. Your name struck me
as a little odd. Where, as a matter
of interest, did you dig it up? The House Committee helped me.
We looked it up in the calendar. They said: ‘What do you fancy’,
so l chose that one. Zina, bring me the calendar
from the consulting room. There could not possibly be anything
of the sort in any calendar. Now you do surprise me, considering it
is hanging in your consulting room. – Here you are.
– Where is it? Just here. His day is celebrated
on March the fourth. Yes, there it is… lnto the stove
with it. This moment. And may l ask what surname
you will take? surname? l don’t object to my
hereditary surname. Meaning? Sharikov. …As comrade Trotsky writes
in his numerous works… the building of socialist society… …is quite ensured internationally. ln the capitalist world class
and economic contradictions… …shall steadily increase.
Remember it once and for all. Class struggle between the proletariat
and the bourgeoisie… What should l write? Nothing difficult. Write a certificate, citizen Professor.
You know the sort of thing… …This is to certify that the bearer is
really Poligraph Poligraphovich Sharikov. Who was born in this flat. Goddammit, l’ve never heard
anything so idiotic in my life. He wasn’t born at all, he simply…
well, he sort of… That’s your problem. lt’s up to you
to decide whether he was born or not. All in all you were conducting
an experiment, Professor. – And you are the creator of
– As simple as that. Kindly keep out of the conversation. You have no grounds for saying
lt was simple… lt’s very far from simple. Why should l keep out
of the conversation. l’m sorry, Professor, but Citizen
Sharikov is absolutely right. – He has the right to take part
in the discussion of his own future.
– Well, all right. The bearer is a human being created in
the course of a laboratory experiment… by means of an operation on the brain.
He requires identity papers. Dammit! l object in principle
to obtaining these idiotic documents. signed: ‘Professor Preobrazhensky. Rather curious, Professor, that you
should call documents idiotic? l can’t allow an undocumented tenant
to go on living in this house. …especially the one who hasn’t
been registered with the militia
for military service. – supposing war suddenly breaks out
with imperialist predators?
– l’m not going to war. You are completely lacking in Political
consciousness, Citizen Sharikov. – You must register for military service.
– l’ll register all right, but l’ll be damned
if l’m going to fight. l was severely wounded during the
operation. Look… They cut me right open. Are you an anarchist-individualist? – l ought to be exempt on medical grounds.
– Well, that’s not the point. Meanwhile, we’ll send the Professor’s
certificate to the militia… …and you will get your document. Do you happen to have a spare room in
the house? l’d be prepared to pay for it. No, Professor, l deeply
regret we don’t. And aren’t likely to have any. l swear, Doctor, that l’m more exhausted
following the past fortnight than
from the past fourteen years! – Stop, thief!
– Let it go. A cat! l’ll strangle the bastard! Stop! How many times have l ordered there
should be no cats. Where is it now? There he is, in the bathroom,
the devil. lvan Arnoldovich, please reassure
the patients. Open up this instant! – l’ll get you!
– There it is. The cat’s here. Come out at once! Why have
you locked yourself in? What on earth… l can’t hear
a thing… Turn the water off. – Turn the water off!
– Turn the water off, you idiot! – What’s he done? l don’t understand.
– There he is. Have you gone out of your mind?
Why don’t you come out of there? – l’ve locked myself in.
– Unlock the door then. – Haven’t you ever seen a lock before?
– The goddamned thing won’t open! – There’s a small button on the lock.
– A small button. – Press it downward.
– Down. Press it down! Down! l can’t see my paw before my face! – Well turn the light on, then!
He’s gone crazy!
– A dog. That goddamned cat smashed the bulb… …and when l tried to catch the bastard
by the legs, l wrenched out the tap,
and now l can’t find it! Oh Lord Jesus Christ
have mercy on us. What do you want? l’ve come from Pskov, a pilgrim.
l’ve come to see the talking dog. – Out, out of the kitchen.
– he’s from Pskov… Get out. Darya Petrovna, l’ve
asked you before… But Philip Philipovich, People
keep coming in all day long! – Quick, Fyodor!
– Just a moment, l’ll get the lamp. – Fyodor, quick!
– Coming, coming. Fyodor, what is it? Philip Philipovich, we’ll have
to open the door. We must let the water run out.
We can mop it up from the kitchen. Open it, then! Dear God. – l only just managed to get the tap
back in. The pressure is so strong.
– Where is he? Over there. He’s afraid to come out. Will you beat me, Dad? Idiot. What d’you think you’re doing, you fool,
spreading it all over the flat!
Pour it into the bowl. The bowl is no use, the water’s
running out the front door. Oh what a fool. There will be no reception today. There’
an emergency, we have a burst pipe… No, no, it can’t be done today.
No way. Zina, Zina, mop up here! The water will
start running down the front stairs
any minute now. Hurry up. – l’ll do it.
– l’ll scoop it up with jugs. Yes, all right… Nothing can be done
today. No, tomorrow, some other day. lvan Arnoldovich come into the bedroom.
l’ll give you a pair of my shoes. Don’t bother, Philip Philipovich,
l’m all right. Oh God. – Then put on the galoshes.
– lt doesn’t matter. My feet
are wet anyway… Oh dear me. – What a nasty animal!
– Whom are you talking about,
may l inquire? l am talking about the cat.
Filthy swine. l swear l have never seen a more
brazen creature than you. How much longer are you going
to chase cats? You’re a barbarian. l am no barbarian? Not in the least.
l won’t stand that brute in this flat! lt stole Darya’s mincemeat.
l wanted to teach it a lesson. lt’s you who needs a lesson! Just take
a look at your face in the mirror. Nearly scratched my eyes out. The slut. Philip Philipovich. l’m sorry,
l wouldn’t like to mention it
but the windowpane in Number Eleven… Citizen Sharikov threw stones at it. – You mean at a cat?
– Not quite, he was throwing them
at the owner of the flat. Sharikov was cuddling their cook,
and they chased him out… …They had a fight. – How much?
– One and a half. Fancy paying one and a half roubles
for such a filthy swine. He himself… Don’t you dare! Please, Philip Philipovich,
don’t upset yourself. Where d’you think you are?
ln a pub? Stop that at once! That’s it, serves him right.
A clip over the ear’s what he needs! – No, not that, Fyodor.
– l am sorry for you, Philip Philipovich. The spirit of the emperor,
do tell us… …will the Bolsheviks remain
in power for a long time? Quiet, gentlemen, that’s interesting. No, no, no! You must tuck
in your napkin. Why the hell should l. l shan’t allow you to eat
until you tuck on your napkin. – Zina, take the plate away from Sharikov.
– Hey, how do you mean take away? And use a fork please. Thank you, Doctor. l’m sick and
tired of reprimanding him. – l’ll have some vodka.
– Don’t you think you’ve had enough? – Do you grudge it?
– You, Sharikov, are talking nonsense. The most revolting thing is that you talk
with such confidence and assuredness. l don’t grudge you the vodka of course,
all the more so since it’s not mine
but belongs to Philip Philipovich. lt’s simply that it’s bad for you.
That’s number one. And number two: you
can’t behave yourself even without vodka. lt isn’t done that way. You should first offer it to Philip
Philipovich, then to me,
then pour yourself a glass. You always act just as
if you were on parade here. Put your napkin here, place your tie
there and ”excuse me” and ”please-merci”. Why can’t you behave naturally? You torment yourselves as though
you were still under the tsar. What do you mean
by ‘natural’ may l ask? l wish you all… – The same to you.
– An old habit! There’s nothing we can do
about it… Klim Chugunkin. – Do you think so, Philip Philipovich?
– No need to think, it is clear as it is. l’ll have some more vodka. Well now, what are you and
l going to do this evening? Let’s go to the circus.
l like it best of all. lf l were you l’d go
to the theatre at least once. l won’t go to the theatre. Belching at table spoils
other people’s appetites. Incidentally, why don’t
you like the theatre? Hell, it’s just crap… talk, talk. Pure counterrevolution. – You should do some reading,
otherwise you know…
– sure, l am reading already… Zina, take the vodka away, baby. What have you been reading?
Robinson Crusoe? That what do you call it… correspondence
between Engel’s and… hell, …What’s the blighter’s name?..
Oh… Kautsky. l’d be interested to know what comment
you can make on what you’ve read? – l don’t agree.
– With whom? Engel’s or Kautsky? – With either of ’em.
– That is most remarkable, by God. Well, what would you suggest
for your part? Why suggest? They just keep writing… some congress and some Germans…
Makes my head reel! Take everything
and divide it equally. Just as l thought,
just what l expected. – Do you know how it is to be done?
– How to do it? That’s plain enough. What do you think? Here’s one guy who
spreads himself out in seven rooms
and has forty pairs of pants, …and there’s another who hangs around
garbage cans looking for something to eat. l suppose that remark about
the seven rooms is a hint at me? All right, l’ve nothing against a fair
division. How many patients did you
turn away yesterday, Doctor? – Thirty-nine.
– H’m… three hundred and ninety roubles. Your share is a hundred and thirty
roubles. Kindly hand it over. Hey, wait a minute! What’s that for? – l mean for the cat and the tap!
– Philip Philipovich. For the intolerable chaos you created
yesterday and because of which
l had to cancel my reception! A man goes leaping about the house
like a savage ripping off taps! Who killed Madame Polasukher’s cat?
Who? The day before yesterday you, Sharikov,
bit a lady on the stairs. But she slapped me across the muzzle!
My muzzle isn’t public property! Because you had pinched her bosom!
You stand… You stand on the lowest rung of evolution.
You are still in the formative stage… …You are intellectually weak as yet.
All your actions are purely animal. Yet you allow yourself in the presence
of two university-educated men… …to offer advice on a cosmic scale… …and of equally cosmic stupidity, about
how everything should be divided up! – And at the same time you eat toothpaste.
– That was the day before yesterday. And mind you, you’ve got
to keep quiet and listen… …keep quiet and listen,
to what you are told! You’ve got
to learn and try to become… …at least a marginally
acceptable member of society. By the way, who was the scoundrel
who lent you that book? Everybody is a scoundrel to you.
Well, Shvonder gave it to me. So what?
lt was so l could get educated. l can see which way your education
is going after reading Kautsky. Zina! – Zina!
– Zina! There in the reception room…
ls it in the reception room? – lt is. Green, the color of vitriol.
– Yes. There is a green book. Now he is going to burn it. lt is public
property, it’s from the library! lt’s called Correspondence between, er,
Engel’s and that other devil what’s
his name… Throw it into the stove! Upon my word, l’d hang that
Shvonder from the first tree. This poisonous fellow sits
in this house like a boil. To say nothing of his idiotic
ravings in the newspapers… Oh Doctor, for Goodness sake,
go to the circus with him tonight. Only do check the program and
make sure there are no cats. l don’t know how they let such
filthy beasts into the circus at all. Well, never mind what filthy beasts they
let into the circus. What’s on tonight? Elephants and the Ultimate
in Human Dexterity. What do you say to the elephants,
my dear Sharikov? l am not a fool.
Cats are a special case. Elephants are useful animals. Excellent. Go and watch them. l beg you, lvan Arnoldovich, not
to offer Sharikov beer to drink. Gentlemen! l have the honour of introducing
to you a famous fortune-teller… …mademoiselle Jeanna
from Paris and Sicily! Mademoiselle can tell you
about your past, present and… …future! As well as your family secrets. Make an enigmatic face, you idiot. Mademoiselle Jeanna! You shouldn’t think, though,
that it all has something to do
with witchcraft or miracle. Nothing of the kind! There are
no miracles as we all know. And Professor Preobrazhensky
has once again proved it. Everything is determined
by the forces of nature… …and the permission of the local
committee and the educational committee. This is vitallopatia! lt is based on the teachings
of Indian yogis… …repressed by British colonialism. l welcome you questions, comrades. What is the main event of my life? Ahead. The main event in your life
is still ahead of you. By God l’ll do it. Damn. The difficult years of fighting for the liberty of this
country are gone. The ones that follow them are also difficult. Bastard. Bormenthal! Bormenthal! Kindly address me by
my name and patronymic. Then call me by my name
and patronymic, too. No, l won’t have you addressed
by such a name in my flat. lf you like, Doctor Bormenthal
and l will call you Monsieur Sharikov. l’m not a ‘monsieur’. All the
‘monsieurs’ are in Paris. l see Shvonder’s been at work on you. All right, l’ll place an advertisement
in the papers today… …and, believe me,
l’ll find you a room. l am no fool to move away from here. – What?!
– Don’t be so impertinent,
Monsieur Sharikov! There. l’m now a member of this
residential associate don
and the tenant in charge of flat… …Number Two, Preobrazhensky, has got to
give me thirty-seven square feet of space.
Be so kind. l’ll shoot that Shvonder
one of these days. – Philip Philipovich…
– To hell with caution. Mind you, lf you commit
one more piece of impudence… …l shall deprive you of your dinner…
in fact, of all food in this house. Thirty-seven square feet may be
all very well, but there’s nothing
on that stinking little bit of paper… …which says that l have to feed you! l can’t do without food.
Where would l eat? Then behave yourself! Eh, talk Moscow, speak Russia! Come on, boys, come on! What’s wrong? Ah, fuck you, Professor! Come on, have a drink with us. Who are they? They? They are good guys. They’ll stay
for the night with me. lvan Arnoldovich, call the 45th
police department. Be so kind. Get out. Bormenthal himself should be turned
in to the 45th department. He lives here without registration. Who stole 20 roubles? l didn’t take them. Who then? Who else, if not you? l’m not alone in the apartment. Maybe Zina took it? Me?! Calm down, Zina. Take him to the bathroom. Philip Philipovich,
l shall never forget how… …as a half-starved student came
to you and you how you gave me
a place at the faculty. Believe me, Philip Philipovich,
you are much more to me
than a professor, a teacher. Thank you. l’m afraid l sometimes bawl
at you during operations… You must forgive
an old man ‘s testiness. The fact is, l’m really so lonely. From Seville to Granada… Philip Philipovich, naturally,
it’s not for me to offer you advice… But look at yourself,
you’re completely worn out,
you can’t go on working like that. – Absolutely impossible.
– So? But l am deeply convinced that there is no
other solution than to put an end to him. No, no, no, don’t tempt me, don’t even
mention it, l won’t hear of it! Don’t you realize what would happen
if they found us out? Because of our ‘social origins’ you
and l won’t have any chance of… …going to Paris, despite the fact
that we should be first offenders. l don’t suppose you have suitable
‘origins’, do you? What the hell! My father was
a court investigator in Vilno. There you are.
There’s your bad blood. You couldn’t have come from
a more unsuitable background. Still, mine is even worse. My father
was dean of a cathedral. My mother… From Seville to Granada…
in the still of the night… Damn it all. Philip Philipovich, you are
a world-famous scientist. And just because of some, forgive
the expression, son of a bitch… …surely they can’t touch you,
believe me! – All the more so, l refuse to do it.
– But why not? – Because you are not world-famous.
– Far from it. So. l will never let a colleague
down in a calamity… …and myself shelter behind my world-wide
reputation. That’s something l won’t do. l’m a Moscow University alumnus,
not a Sharikov. Are you just going to wait… …until that hoodlum turns
into a human being? lvan Arnoldovich, do you think
l understand a little bit about
the anatomy and physiology? Philip Philipovich – what a question! Now listen to me,
Professor-to-be Bormenthal… …No one will ever manage to turn him
into a human being. And don’t ask me. l spent five years doing nothing
but extracting cerebral appendages. You know bow much work l did on the
subject? An unbelievable amount! And now comes the crucial question… what
for? So that one fine day a charming dog… …should be transformed into a specimen
so revolting that he makes
one’s hair stand on end? – something extraordinary.
– l quite agree with you… This, Doctor, is what happens when
a researcher, instead of keeping
in step with nature, …tries to force the pace
and lift the veil. The result is a Sharikov. We have made
our bed and now we must lie in it! …supposing the brain had been
Spinoza’s, Philip Philipovich? But what in heaven’s name for?
Will you kindly explain that to me? Will you kindly tell me why one has
to manufacture an artificial human being,
when any woman can… …give birth to a real one any day
of the week?
– Philip Philipovich… No, don’t argue,
lvan Arnoldovich, please. Theoretically, the experiment was
interesting. The physiologists will be
delighted. Moscow has gone mad. But what have we got in practice?
Who is this creature? Who? – An unmitigated scoundrel.
– Yes, but who is he? Klim. Klim Chugunkin. Twice sentenced, an alcoholic,
”take and divide everything up”, …hoodlum and swine. Yes. l was concerned with something
quite different. With eugenics, with the improvement of
the human nature. And what have l got? You don’t think l do these rejuvenation
operations because of the money, do you? – l am still a scientist.
– And a great one, that’s what l tell you. Yes, Doctor, this case
is absolutely hopeless. Okay, then, Professor. lf you don’t want to do it yourself,
l will take the risk of feeding him
a dose of arsenic. l don’t care if my father
was a court investigator. No, absolutely not.
l won’t let you do it. l’m sixty, and have the right
to give you advice. Never commit a crime
no matter against whom. Keep your hands clean until old age. For God’s sake, Philip Philipovich… …if that damned Shvonder sets to work
at him, what is going to become of him? l’m only just beginning to realize what
may become of our Sharikov, by God. Aha, so you realize now, do you? Well, l
realized it ten days after the operation. Now then, that Shvonder
is the greatest fool! Right now he’s doing all he can
to turn Sharikov against me… …not realizing that if someone
were in his turn to set Sharikov
against Shvonder himself… …there’ll soon be nothing left of
Shvonder but the bones and the beak. Just think of the way he goes about cats.
A man with the heart of a dog. Oh, no, don’t insult the dog…
l assure you that his reaction
to cats is purely temporary. The whole horror is that he now has
a human heart, not a dog’s heart. And about the rottenest heart
in all creation! – l shall kill him.
– Help! – What is it?
– Mommy! Help! – What are you doing, bastard?
– Darya, let go. Just look at our precious visitor
Telegraph Telegraphovich, Professor! l’ve been married, l don’t care.
But Zina’s an innocent girl… lt was a good thing l woke up! Darya Petrovna, please forgive us. Darya, we are young. Doctor! l forbid you! – Doctor!
– You haven’t any right to fight. Ok. OK. Just wait till morning. Bormenthal, let go! Where are you
taking me? l can walk myself. – l’ll fix a little show for him
when he sobers up.
– Philipovich, you tell him. l warn you Egorovna, if you go on
burning parquet in the stove
l’ll move you all out. That’s it. Yes? Excuse me, do you happen to know where
monsieur Sharikov is at the moment? ls he not at home? He’s gone. What a fool l am not
to have locked the door! Look for him yourself.
l’m not his guardian, am l? All the more so because your
Sharikov is a scoundrel. Yesterday in the office of the house
committee he took 7 roubles
to buy textbooks. The dog! l can well imagine what is going on
out there. l can imagine. He stole three bottles of ash berry
vodka and borrowed three and
a half roubles from me. You deserved it. You well knew
what sort of a guy he was. Sure l did. No need to bring
stray dogs into the flat. We must inform the militia at once. – l, Philip Philipovich, have
taken up an official post.
– Give me the paper. The presenter of this Polygraph
Plygraphovich Sharikov… …is truly employed as head
of the sub-department for the control
of stray animals… …cats etc., in Moscow. So, who got you the job?
But l suppose l can guess. Yes of course, Shvonder. Forgive my asking, but why are you
giving off such a revolting smell? Well, it does smell…
that’s because of my job. l spent all yesterday
strangling cats, cats, cats. Strangling, strangling, strangling. – Help!
– lvan Arnoldovich. Don’t worry, Philip Philipovich,
l shan’t do anything violent. Zina and Darya Petrovna! Repeat after me: Forgive me
Darya Petrovna and Zinaida… – Zinaida..?
– Prokofievna. …Prokofievna, for my disgusting prank
the other night in a state of intoxication. – This will never happen again!
– Never. – Let him go, you’ll strangle him.
– Let him go, lvan Arnoldovich. Now mind the following. You’ve come back to
Philip Philipovich’s flat. – Have you?
– Where else can l go? Very well. You will be as good
as gold and as quiet as a mouse. Otherwise, you will have to reckon
with me each time you misbehave. Got it? Yes. What do you do with them…
the dead cats? They’ll make overcoats of them. They’ll make squirrels out of them
and sell them to workers on credit. Come in. Don’t be shy. What are you waiting for, come in. Take off your coat. – Who is this?
– Me and her’s getting married. She’s our typist. She’s coming
to live with me. Bormenthal will have to be moved out
of the reception room.
He’s got a flat of his own. May l ask you to step into
my study for a moment? – l’m coming with her.
– l beg your pardon. The Professor wants to talk to the lady,
and you and l are going to stay here. – l won’t!
– No, l’m sorry. He told me he’d been
wounded in battle. He’s lying. l’m genuinely sorry for you,
but you know you should not… …go off with the first man you meet
just because he has a steady job. Baby, it’s scandalous. Nothing but salt beef
every day in the canteen. He threatened me, he said
he was a Red Army officer. He promised to take me to live
in a luxurious flat. Pineapples every day. Says he’s kind-hearted, really… …he only hates cats. He took my ring as a keepsake. l’ll poison myself! Well, well, well. You just have
to bear the pain a little while. You’re still so young. Sharikov! Kindly take the trouble to explain
to this lady where you got
that scar on your forehead. – l was wounded at the front
fighting against Kolchak.
– Stop it! Just a minute… the ring, please. l’ll get you. You’ll remember me. Tomorrow l’ll arrange for some
reductions of the office staff! Don’t be afraid of him!
l won’t let him do you any harm! – What’s her surname? surname?
– Vasnetsova. Every day l shall personally make inquiries
at the City Sanitation Department,
if citizen Vasnetsova has been sacked! And if l find out that she has,
l will shoot you down with my own hands! l know where to lay hands
on revolvers myself. Beware! Don’t stop the engine. You look right, you look left.
Let’s go. You stay here, you… here.
Watch carefully. Catch him! Catch him, catch! – Well, Polygraph, you seem
to know where they are hiding.
– l can feel them with my heart. Get in. Let’s go quick. Be careful
not to let it slip by. Have your pains come back? No, Professor, l’m very
grateful to you. l’ve come, h’m, about another matter,
Philip Philipovich. ‘also threatening to kill of the House
Committee chairman, Comrade Shvonder’ ‘which makes it clear
that he keeps firearms… …and makes counterrevolutionary
speeches… …has even ordered his domestic worker,
Zinaida Prokofievna Bunina… ..to burn Engel’s… Engel’s…
in the stove… …like a true Menshevik together with his
assistant lvan Arnoldovich Bormenthal… …who is living secretly in his flat
without being registered. The signature of the head of the City
Sanitation Department Sharikov is valid. …House Committee chairman Shvonder. Secretary: Pestrukhin. lt’s lucky that they reported
directly to me. May l keep this? Or perhaps you need it so that
legal proceedings can be started? Forgive me, Professor, but you seem
to regard us with too much contempt. – l…
– Please forgive me, my dear fellow. l really didn’t mean to offend you.
Please don’t take offense. He tired me out. You must be here tomorrow morning. Good evening, Polygraph
Polygraphovich. serve dinner in the dining room. Sharikov, come into the study. What do you want? Go and collect your things at once…
pants, coat, everything you need…
then get out of this flat! – What is this!?
– Get out of this flat? Today? What is this after all! You think
l can’t find a way to deal with you? l’ve a right to thirty-seven square
feet and l’m staying right here! – Get out of this flat.
– Like hell l will! Keep away, Bormenthal. Doctor Bormenthal! Doctor Bormenthal!
Doctor, what are you doing?.. Doctor Bormenthal! Doctor Bormenthal! Give me the key to the front door. The Professor says you
mustn’t leave the apartment. lt’s not because we don’t trust you,
but should anybody come… …you might not be able to keep them out,
and we mustn’t be disturbed. We’re busy. lt’s not because they don’t trust us.
They mustn’t be disturbed. They are busy. Where’s the chief of the
pest control department? – And who the hell are you?
– l am chairman of the house management
committee Shvonder. God knows where you chief of the pest
control is. lt’s now the third day
that we are waiting for him. Well then. Who are you? Criminal Police and investigator.
Open up, please. Where is the Professor’s room? What is it that you desire gentlemen? We have a warrant to search your flat
and arrest you, depending
on the results of the search. What, may l ask, is the charge,
and who is being charged? Professor Preobrazhensky, Bormenthal… …Zinaida Bunina, and Darya lvanova
are charged with the murder of… …Poligraph Poligraphovich Sharikov,
subdepartment Head of the Pest Control. l don’t understand. What Sharikov do you
have in mind? Oh, you mean that dog
of mine… the one l operated on? Not your dog. This happened when
he was a man. That’s the trouble. You mean he talked? That doesn’t
necessarily imply being human. Anyhow, it’s irrelevant.
Sharik still exists. – No one ever killed him.
– ln that case, you must produce him. lt’s ten days now since he disappeared,
and the evidence, l am sorry to say,
is most disquieting. Doctor Bormenthal, will you please
produce Sharik for the detective to see. – But how then, did he work
for Pest Control?
– l didn’t send him to the job. lt was Monsieur Shvonder who
recommended him, if l’m not mistaken. – ls that him?
– That’s him. Only the villain has
gone all hairy again. – But he talked!
– He still talks, though less and less. Now is the time to hear him speak. science has not yet found the means
of turning animals into people. As you see, l tried, he talked, and then
he began to revert to his primitive state. – An atavism.
– Atavism? A… Don’t swear at me! – Give him valerian. He’s fainted.
– Did you see it? He sent his dog at me. l shall personally throw
Shvonder downstairs… …if he ever turns up in Professor
Preobrazhensky’s flat again. Please enter that remark
in the report. Did you here? Did you? l request that
those words be recorded in the protocol. That’s our lot, We are back from the field and the enemy
class is celebrating everywhere. Tell me, Uncle, for the sake
of the people No enemy will escape our punishment. The hoofs are knocking The machine-gun is sounding. The White guard is all beaten up No one will ever overpower
the Red army! The White guard is all beaten up From Seville to Granada…
in the still of the night… You can here the serenade and
the clash of steel so bright. treams of blood and song galore… l’ve been very, very lucky…
incredibly lucky. Now l’m really settled in this flat. Though l’m absolutely sure there’s
something fishy about my pedigree. A Labrador is sure to have
something to do with it. She was just a tart, my old grandmother,
God rest her soul. sure, they cut my head up a bit for some
reason, but who cares. That’s all right. None of my business, really.