12 Comics You Need to See – Comedy Central Stand-Up Presents

– [Narrator] Give it up for Will Miles. (applause) – Y’all (beep) with HPV? (laughing) Felt like a weird icebreaker, I like it. (laughing) What if you do? A third of you do statistically. (laughing) I feel good. I don’t have it I don’t think. (laughing) If you were wondering. I feel pretty good. My weight fluctuates a lot
so it’s good I feel good. I don’t know I go anywhere
from 150 to 250 on a given day. (laughing) Anybody else like that? No, just me? I can’t tell. It gets so bad now that my weight has become a measure of time. Like I saw a friend of
mine, another comedian, his name is Big Keef, he’s
obviously a black comedian. (laughing) And I hadn’t seen him in
years and I walked over, I saw him and he saw me at
a comedy club, he was like, “Damn, (beep) I hadn’t
seen you since you was fat, “skinny and then fat again.” (laughing) I was like, “Yeah, you could’ve just said “like three years, man.” (laughing) “This is kind of hurtful the
way you do it, but whatever.” I do commercials a lot so
it helps that I’m chubby every now and then and that
I’m black, curly hair, chubby so obviously I go into
commercials where it’s like, mm, this tastes good like that’s– (laughing) Is this just a burger? (laughing) This is different than a burger. This got bacon on it. But so I go on auditions
and that’s usually what I do where I walk in and then
pretend to try a burger and then move forward. Sometimes though I go on auditions and they have no words at all. They’ll be like, can you
just show us how you smile? And then I walk in and I go. (laughing) Because I forget what
part they want me for, but I want the part of the
small little white girl in the commercial, because
that looks so much fun. (laughing) I want that role. – I know why we’re in this mess. I’ve identified the culprit. There’s one source of the
decay of human civilization and that is a particular
trend in home decor. (laughing) Now some of you had this
up in your house right now and what it is is inspirational quotes on rustic pieces of
driftwood in multiple fonts. You know what I’m talking about. Now as we know, for the quote
to go on the rustic piece of driftwood it must feature
one of the key words. If it doesn’t have one of
these keywords in the quote, it’s not inspirational enough. Do not put it on wood,
don’t waste our time. (laughing) Those words include: journey,
faith, hope, sister, live, laugh, love, you know
what I’m talkin’ about. (laughing) Kitchen, the whole set is
me just listing the words. The whole show is just this. Wine. Blessed. Believe. Believe, believe is so powerful. It’s so potent, it can live by itself on a piece of driftwood. Some people don’t even put it on wood. Some people just tattoo it
on the front of their neck and that’s a choice. (laughing) But how does it work? Like if you need a sign
to remind you to laugh, are you all right? (laughing) You go through your house and you see it and you’re like, oh yeah, I almost forgot. (laughing sarcastically) Like, talk to someone. You are not okay. I always do feel a little bit
bad when I tell that joke, ’cause there’s usually
at least one woman’s face in the crowd just dissolving off her head. (laughing) She’s just like oh, no, that’s me. – Yeah it’s, you could get
away with whatever you want if you have a cute accent, but
I think the opposite is true if you have a thick
regional American accent. Then you can’t get away with anything, because everyone thinks
you’re dumb as shit. And it’s super unfair like
I grew up in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania which has
a very trashy accent. And it’s so unfair
because there are people in Pittsburgh with that accent
who are very, very smart. But, are they? (laughing) I don’t know, it’s kinda hard
to buy sometimes, you know? Yeah, it’s very hard to buy sometimes. Even the people in Pittsburgh
who are in positions where you know just to get
there they have to be smart. Like imagine being in a
courtroom in Pittsburgh and the judge walks in
looking very distinguished, wearing the robe, and then he sits down and opens his mouth and says,
“Okay, so nobody freak out “or nothin’, but jury’s
deliberated and concluded, “defendent’s guilty
beyond reasonable doubt.” You’d be like, uh, are you sure? Can we put you in jail? Is that an option to
put the judge in jail? The only reason I say is
because the way you talk makes it sound like you’ve
maybe stabbed someone over a sausage argument. (laughing) This guy’s trying to
fuckin’ tell me kielbasa’s not top five sausage? What am I supposed to do? Not shank him? (laughing) Freaking get outta here. That’s how people talk in Pittsburgh. And sausage is like a top priority for most of the people I
grew up with in Pittsburgh. – I like to do drugs, ’cause
they make me feel good. (laughing) One thing I like to do
when I’m really bored is I like to get really
high and then I like to go to Google Maps and I go to the street view and I just drive. (laughing) (applause) Just to see what’s out there in that great big world of ours. (laughing) Feel a desk fan there,
feel the wind in my hair. Really live, you know? I do smoke weed, but
I don’t wake and bake. I woke and coke. (laughing) Really gets the eight
ball rolling, you know? (laughing) Do you guys know this back in the day, they actually used to
put cocaine in Coca Cola? Did you know you still can? (laughing) (applause) That’s what you call a Coca Cola Classic. (laughing) – My last girlfriend won our breakup. Now you guys, Charles’ breakups
aren’t a thing you can win or lose, that’s true, but also grow up. This is how you win a break up. You move on first, that’s like 80 points. You start dating somebody
new, that’s like 200 points. And then you post pictures
of you and that new person getting cocktails at the
bar in the Ace Hotel. And then it’s game over, you win Kate. (laughing) I was lookin’ at my ex-girlfriend’s Instagram profile the other
day which, by the way, is how you lose a breakup. She’s at the Ace Hotel with the new guy, tagged the Ace Hotel, tagged
the new guy, I started looking at the new guy’s profile,
and everything in my body is telling me to hate him, everything is saying hate this man, but– (exhales) he had an awesome summer. (laughing) He killed it last summer
and I can’t take that away from the guy, you know? (laughing) He went to Coachella both nights. Had a bunch of barbecues on rooftops, went kayaking with his best friend, Mike. (laughing) I start looking at Mike’s profile. (laughing) Mike, I couldn’t really get on board with. He was a little too burly for me, but he did take time out 27 weeks ago to go to his sister’s graduation. Allow me now to say
congratulations, Christina. (applause) She graduated from the
University of Minnesota with a degree in English. (applause) With her best friend, Margaret. (laughing) I started looking at Margaret’s profile. (laughing) If there’s anything I can
tell you about Margaret it’s that she loves to
party and she loves her dog. (laughing) I started looking at
Margaret’s dog’s profile. (laughing) And then I accidentally liked
one of Margaret’s dog’s photos and I was just like oh shit. Like, could they trace this
all the way back to me? (laughing) So I unliked it, but then I remembered if you like something
and then you un-like it, they can see that you liked
it and that you un-liked it. Yes, it’s true. (laughing) Sorry, but you are busted. (laughing) Now you know, don’t do it again. Yeah, they can see it. So I decided, you know what,
I’m just gonna like it. Because if imma go out,
imma go out like a G. (applause) And that’s when I realized
I’d been sitting on a toilet for two hours. (laughing) And it was time to get back to work. (laughing) – I got engaged when I was 21. Isn’t that stupid? That’s some Indiana shit, man. Everybody on the coast is
like I’m 59, I’m still young. In Indiana if you’re not married
by 26, you’re legally gay. It’s (beep) up. You’re allowed to vote or
use the bathroom or whatever. I got engaged so young. It didn’t work out. She ended up cheating on
me while we lived together which was a bummer, but it
did give me the opportunity to pack angrily which was interesting. You ever pack angrily? Not your best packing work. I was unpacking like, oh,
I took the oven knobs? That was a weird move, okay. Got back ups, that’s good. Oh, you’ve taken a new lover, well I took the microwave door. Who wins? (laughing) I took the paper towels. That’s true, I took a
half roll of paper towels. I left my laptop, but
I took my paper towels. I was like, you’re not gonna
wipe up his (beep) with these. Those are mine. (laughing) You get your own damn (beep) towels. – I’m in my thirties and I
have my first boyfriend ever. (applause) That’s a big deal. That’s a big deal. My mom’s super excited about it. She calls me everyday and she’s all, “Do you still have a boyfriend? “Do you still have a boyfriend?” And I’m like, “Yes,
he’s still my boyfriend, “we’re still good.” And her second question is
always, “Are you pregnant yet? “Are you pregnant yet? “You’re not? “Well, maybe you need to go get checked, “because I read a article
that women who eat a lot “of chicken nuggets, they
can’t have babies anymore, “because of the chicken nuggets. “No, seriously, truly, “scientists have scientifically studied “and they found that the
chicken nuggets mess up “down there real bad and well, you know, “I don’t wanna name names, “but you eat a lot of chicken nuggets.” I’m like, “Yeah, these are facts.” But then I thought about
it and if it is true, and chicken nuggets do prevent
pregnancy, that’s awesome. (laughing) Right, right? Then I could just pick up
a 20 piece for the month. You know what I mean? Pop a nug everyday. If you skip a day, two nugs the next day. What, I’m already eating
chicken nuggets all the time. Now I’m preventing pregnancy too? You know, simultaneously it’s awesome. It’s awesome. And, and you bet your ass
you still gotta dip ’em, ’cause that’s what activates it. (laughing) The barbecue and the honey mustard. Make the babies not grow. (laughing) My boyfriend’s like,
“Should I wear a condom?” And I’m like, “Pft, nah man, “I ate double the chicken
nuggets this month. “Let ’em fly.” – I’m bad at sex. So are most of you though, that’s how being good at stuff works. For everyone and Lebron James,
there’s 100 of this guy. (laughing) No disrespect, sir, I just
don’t think you can bang in the post like that. (laughing) I get annoyed, everybody hypes up sex. I think that we should
glorify our other qualities. I have other great qualities. I’m an incredible friend. How come that never comes up
when I have my dick in my hand? (laughing) It’s not the in and out of sex I’m bad at, I understand that it’s
a pretty simple move. My issue with sex is that
I’m bad at multitasking. I’m not a good multitasker,
that’s not the way that God made me. Like I was having sex with
a woman, she was real, and– (laughing) I was having sex with her and
she wanted me to talk dirty. She was like, “Talk dirty to me.” I was like, “No, we’ve
been talking all night. “I was so good at talking,
you let me have sex with you. “Can I shut the (beep) up for 15 minutes?” 10 minutes. Five minutes, don’t joke. She made me keep going, she
was like, “Just say something, “say something mean, be mean.” I was like, “I don’t want to.” And she was like, “Be mean.” And I was like, “Okay, it smells in here.” (laughing) I think that your cat is sick
and that we should’ve gone to my apartment. (laughing) She didn’t take that, though. She didn’t take it. Can you believe that she wouldn’t take it. She was like, “Just be loose,
be free, just say whatever’s “crossing your mind.” And I’m like, “I’m a weird
guy, you don’t want that.” And she was like, “Just do whatever.” So I did, and I yelled,
“Hold the flaps back, momma. “I’m tryin’ to get wiggly.” (laughing) So you know we’re getting married. (laughing) – There’s too many humans in New York. There’s too many humans. Eight and a half million people
live in 300 square miles. Why? If you break that down,
that’s 27,000 people per mile. How do you live? Who’s idea was this? Y’all just strapped two islands
together with some bridges and was like, all y’all
gotta see this, no. (laughing) And God forbid one of these
Yankees finds out I’m not from New York. Oh, you’re not from New York? They all sound like witches to me. You’re not from New York? (laughing) What do you mean you’re not from New York? No, through the grace of God, I was not born here, thank you. (laughing) Where you from? Atlanta, you’re welcome. Like, oh you must be so
glad to be in New York. The south is so racist,
the south is so racist. Oh, you mean you part of the south that starts at Canada and ends at Mexico? (laughing) (applause) Find me a part of America
that’s not racist, I’ll move today. (laughing) I’ll wait. (laughing) I know the north is more
racist, ’cause in the north, they split up white folks. They got Italian neighborhoods,
Irish neighborhoods. I live in a Greek neighborhood. You know what Irish and Italian
and Greek is in the south? White. Nobody has time to break down
your brand of whiteness, okay? I don’t care what flag your
Caucasian flies under, Brandon. (laughing) Don’t vote, and sit the hell down. What do you want from me. – I’ll tell you what is not flirting and that is cat calling. This is a message, all right? It happened to me recently,
because I am adorable. So I’m walking down the street and this dude he’s just like, “Hey!” He’s like, “where you goin’?” And I was very frustrated
because again, adorable. And so I just turned around
and I was like, “Home, “I’m just going home.” And he just kinda looked me up and down and he was like, “Home,
okay well be safe.” And I was like what the (beep)
like who wrote that cat call, are you M Knight Shyamalan? That was a twist ending,
like my titties were out. What are you doing? Did you just respect me like what? That is not how this was supposed to end. – I feel like teachers are celebrities, but we don’t treat them as such. They are, you’re welcome. They are, we don’t treat them as such. (applause) Celebrities. They molded our lives, that’s why we sit in these seats today. Man, we know our first grade teacher, we remember our kindergarten
teacher, we remember. You know how they celebrities? You remember when you was little, you see a teacher out
in public you freak out? You like, “Mr. Brown, what
you doin’ out here Shocks on? “Why you got your ankles out? “What the (beep) you doin’?” Oh, I’m just goin’ to the beach. No, you live in school. (laughing) I ain’t never seen you outside. What you doin’ outside? (laughing) Never thought they had they own life. When I was little, man,
I thought my teacher at the end of the day just go back into the cubby and recharge. (laughing) All right, it’s 8:30, how you doin’ class? Oh, I knew he was back there. He never leaves. – I do, I love learning about sciences, learning about text, stuff like that. One of my favorite things to do is to research which animals are gay. Giraffes, bi as (beep). Something about the neck, we don’t know. But there’s not that much
research done about which bugs are gay, right? And I’ve looked it up,
I’ve done some of my own, and they said that sometimes two male bugs will mistake each other for
a female and accidentally have sex and it’s like,
okay, I went to college. (laughing) So I made a slide that’s
a very comprehensive list of which bugs are gay or not so let’s go. Dragonflies, the fact that
dragonflies will just like hover in the air perfectly still
like that, not moving, gay. (laughing) That requires classical
training, you know? Like they went to drama school. Ladybugs, every ladybug is a lesbian. (laughing) Honestly, look they’ve got
this bold lipstick right here, but if you zoom in there’s
Birkenstocks on every one of these. Beetles, lesbians, that’s a strap. (laughing) Bees, the fact that you’re
so willing to hurt someone that you would die for it? That’s gay. Like, the pettiness that that takes and they worship a queen
like come on you know? Wasps, wasps are straight. So this one’s a feeling I
don’t need to explain it, we all get it and look
at that interior design. You know, like it’s just not up to par. Butterflies, gay, I mean come on. You know they go in the cocoon, college, they pop out, they start thottin’. Classic queer narrative. Cicadas, the fact that they
just take off their clothes and leave it anywhere,
that’s straight, you know? It’s like, pick up
after yourself, cicadas. Gay. (laughing) Every preying mantis
is gay as (beep), look. (laughing) Like, yeah. Like, get these A moves. (applause) Scorpions, are they insects? Are they spiders? Neither, they’re bi. (laughing) Cockroaches are gay,
because they’re everywhere and you’ll never get rid of them. (laughing) Ants, with ants it’s like,
you’re working so hard. What are you hiding? (laughing) I just think ants need to
do some soul searching. And daddy long legs, gay. (laughing) And that is a complete list
of all the bugs that are gay. (laughing) I know ’cause I’ve (beep) them all. (applause) (upbeat music)

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