A Late Show Impeachment Pre-Enactment

A Late Show Impeachment Pre-Enactment


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. HAPPY FRIDAY, MY FRIENDS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OR IS IT?( LAUGHTER )
IT’S NOT. I’M ACTUALLY TAPING THIS
ON THURSDAY FOR SCHEDULING REASONS. I PREVIOUSLY SCHEDULED MYSELF TO
BE BALLS DEEP IN AN OLD FASHIONED. AND I THOUGHT IT WAS IMPORTANT
FOR ME TO COME CLEAN BECAUSE OF THE BOND OF TRUST WE HAVE
DEVELOPED OVER THE YEARS AS VIEWER AND TALK SHOW HOST. I DON’T LIE TO YOU. MY COMMERCIALS DON’T LIE TO YOU. CHARMIN: YOU WILL ENJOY THE GO
( LAUGHTER )
I MEAN, IT MIGHT BECOME A
PROBLEM. BUT FRIDAY, THE DAY YOU’RE IN,
WAS THE SECOND DAY OF LIVE TELEVISED IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS. AND I HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET, BUT I
CAN PREDICT WHAT HAPPENED IN TONIGHT’S EDITION OF “DON AND
THE GIANT IMPEACH.”>>I AM AFRAID FOR MY LIFE!>>Stephen: TODAY’S STAR WITNESS
WAS FORMER AMBASSADOR TO UKRAINE AND ONLY LADY RESERVOIR DOG,
MARIE YOVANOVITCH. NOW, NORMALLY I WOULD SHOW YOU
FOOTAGE OF HER TESTIMONY, BUT AGAIN, THAT’S NOT UNTIL
TOMORROW. SO INSTEAD, I SHALL PERFORM A
“LATE SHOW” IMPEACHMENT PRE-ENACTMENT. HERE WE GO. ONE, TWO, THREE. OKAY. ( CLEARS THROAT )
( LAUGHTER )
“RUDY GIULIANI WAS RUNNING A
SECRET FOREIGN POLICY TO HELP THE PRESIDENT’S ELECTION
CAMPAIGN. DOES THAT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION,
CONGRESSMAN JORDAN?”( LAUGHTER )
“NO! MY QUESTION WAS PLEASE DON’T
GOOGLE MY NAME AND ‘OHIO STATE WRESTLING SCANDAL.’
I CEDE MY TIME TO DEVIN NUNES.” “MOOOOOO. MOOOOOOOO.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
I’M PARAPHRASING, OBVIOUSLY. THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY IS ALL
ANYONE CAN TALK ABOUT RIGHT NOW, BUT THERE’S A SMALLER STORY THAT
MIGHT HAVE SLIPPED THROUGH THE CRACKS, THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE
MISSED. AND I’LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT
IN TONIGHT’S “DOIN’ IT DONKEY STYLE.”>>YANG GANG!>>Stephen: IT’S A TIGHT RACE AT
THE TOP OF THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY, AND A NEW LEADER HAS
EMERGED, BECAUSE A RECENT POLL SHOWS THAT MAYOR PETE BUTTIGIEG
IS FIRST IN IOWA.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING. I DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING. AND THERE’S A SURPRISING VOTING
DEMO GIVING BUTTIGIEG ALL THAT BUTTI-MENTUM: VOTERS AGE 65 AND
OLDER.( OLD PERSON )
PETE IS SUCH A LOVELY YOUNG MAN. I DON’T KNOW WHY HE CAN’T FIND A
NICE GAL TO SETTLE DOWN WITH. MAYBE THAT FRIEND HAS A NICE
SISTER OR SOMETHING.” OLD PEOPLE DON’T KNOW. IN FACT, WHEN IT COMES TO THE
OLDSTERS, BUTTIGIEG POLLS “SECOND ONLY TO JOE BIDEN.” THOUGH, BOTH ARE STILL POLLING
FAR BEHIND APRICOT COMPOTE AND THE MACHINE THAT STILL PLAYS MY
OPERA TAPES.( LAUGHTER )
THERE’S ALSO–( APPLAUSE )
THERE’S ALSO NEWS FROM THE BERNIE SANDERS CAMPAIGN. AFTER HIS RECENT HEART ATTACK,
BERNIE IS CHANGING HIS WHOLE LIFESTYLE. ACCORDING TO HIS CAMPAIGN
MANAGER, “I’VE NOTICED HIM ORDERING A HECK OF A LOT
MORE SALADS.”( AS BERNIE )
“I HAVE TO EAT HEALTHIER, SO I ORDER SALADS, BY WHICH I MEAN A
PICKLE ON MY CORNED BEEF.”( LAUGHTER )
>>Jon: AND THAT POTATO SALAD.>>Stephen: THAT ACTUALLY
HURTS. THAT ACTUALLY HURTS TO DO.( APPLAUSE )
BUT IT’S NOT JUST BERNIE’S DIET THAT’S GETTING A MAKEOVER,
BECAUSE THE USUALLY-RUMPLED SENATOR HAS BEEN “WEARING MORE
STYLISH SWEATERS.”( AS BERNIE )
“I GET ALL THE LATEST FASHIONS AT VERY OLD NAVY AND FOREVER
81!”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THERE’S ALSO–
♪ ♪ ♪ THERE’S ALSO NEWS FROM THE
CAMPAIGN OF FORMER MARYLAND REPRESENTATIVE JOHN DELANEY,
SEEN HERE BRINGING MORE TRANSPARENCY TO HIS NIPPLES.( LAUGHTER )
HE’S JACKED. HE’S HUGE! HE LOOKS HUGE. I HAD NO IDEA. YEAH, HE’S BEEN BENCHING IS WHAT
HE’S BEEN DOING. DELANEY’S CONSISTENTLY POLLING
AT LESS THAN 1%, BUT HE’S HOPING TO TURN THAT ALL AROUND BY
AIRING 30-MINUTE TV INFOMERCIALS. PERFECT CHOICE, BECAUSE WHEN I
HEAR JOHN DELANEY’S IDEAS, I THINK, THERE’S GOT TO BE A
BETTER WAY! THE AD– IMAGINE THAT I WAS
DROPPING CUPS. THE AD WILL RUN ON THIS SUNDAY? SUNDAY. BUT HIS CAMPAIGN ALREADY
RELEASED IT ON YOUTUBE. I’M GOING TO PLAY THE ACTUAL
BEGINNING OF THE AD FOR YOU, AND NOTICE THE EXCITEMENT JOHN
DELANEY EXUDES ABOUT HIS OWN CAMPAIGN.>>I’M JOHN DELANEY, AND I
APPROVE THIS MESSAGE. ♪ ♪ ♪
>>Stephen: WOW.( LAUGHTER ).>>Jon: OH, MAN!>>Stephen: THAT’S HOW HE FEELS
ABOUT JOHN DELANEY? HE IS THE MOST RELATABLE
CANDIDATE!

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  1. Anyone else think Supreme Court Justices shouldn’t have lifetime appointment and shouldn’t be chosen by Presidents? They’re decided cases that concern everyday people so shouldn’t we be electing them? What the President/politicians want isn’t always what the people want…

  2. LOL, Just like the Fake Russia Collusion story, the Fake Impeachment failed. The Swamp is desperately clinging to any floating turds that happen to drift by. Anything to stay afloat. 😂
    While the CNN and MSNBC viewers might not get it, the evil Swamp Scum and Fake Media know precisely of what I speak. 🖐Hi, Scum
    Schiff just looks like he's pissed his good buddy Jeffrey Epstein is gone. (no more little boys)😂

  3. I was thinking to myself that Jim Jordan look like those coaches that you see on TV in some kind of sex scandal but I was unaware he was assistant coach ever in his life remember he is innocent until proven guilty but liar 🤥 until proven honest 🏃‍♂️

  4. An American nursery rhyme: Trumpty Dumpty sat on his “wall”. Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall. All of Trumpty’s red-necks, and all of Trumpty’s republican’s, couldn’t put poor Trumpty together again!

  5. America After the Fall Of Trump

    Trump will fall. He will go into history as the
    greatest shame and failure of the American political
    system. His government will also go into history as a
    disgusting example of unbridled corruption and
    greed. In the days following his loss there may be
    violence from both sides. The anger and resentment
    could easily bubble over Into riots. America will
    survive this and eventually the healing will begin.
    Truths hidden by his deceit and corruption will
    become known. Although many will deny his guilt
    most people will eventually recognize the truth. They
    will become quiet, softly mumbling like the Germans
    after WWII," just did not know. They won't want to
    talk about il Ten years post Trump it will be difficult
    to meet ayone who will admit that they actually
    voted for him. Wholeheartedly I look forward to that

  6. Trump be in office till the end of the year and Stephen still be having shows bout impeachment.
    Get outta here man. Its milking a dead cow.

  7. While #WonderfullyHungry, I note that #StephenColbert did not anticipate our all becoming "material fact witnesses" to Pres. #DonaldTrump unwittingly obstructing justice in real time by "intimidating the witness" via Twitter. Terrible things do happen to the #Hangry (aka #TerriblyHungry) like #Trump (see page xi of "Fire and Fury" which is a book much maligned by Trump followers as was seen on the Thursday installment of this show).

  8. This is not funny. It is a political message. Impeaching this President is a mistake. He has stood by his promises, whereas Obama relinquished every single platform for which he was elected. Trump may be uncouth, but he is a man of action. Stephen is a heckler. And not much respect for someone who continuously criticizes without conscience.

  9. What a disgusting excuse for a human being ! I’m offended and demand he be taken off the air … oh, I forgot, only liberals can be offended 🤦🏻‍♀️

  10. WOW. Stephen and his crew are gonna get a kick about the actual bombshell that happened on Friday.
    It's over for Mr. Trump.

  11. Why only talk about the men running for president in 2020? The women who would like a chance at being president are far more interesting, AND it's time for a woman to become president.

  12. Hey Colbagoshit, I hear Hillary is under pressure to enter the race. The pressure is coming from all those foreign governments she took bribes from and couldn't deliver the goods. That should be good for a laugh or two. Maybe she'll get Hillaried. 😁😁

  13. What's this leftist fucktard Colbert gonna do when Trump beats this insane "impeachment", and is re-elected again in 2020 ???? 😂😂

    The stupidity of the left 👌👌

  14. @The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
    …be honest when you cover Sanders …you're funny, but you're a tool of the DNC.
    The progressive revolution is coming, and you'll be singing a different and very unfunny song when it does.

  15. As a 65 year old woman, I have to say…
    We’re not old dotards , we’re still rockin with REO Speedwagon and watching you on our iPads!
    Knot knitting in the rocking chair!

  16. Perhaps in vain, I wish Colbert would dismiss corporate dems out of hand (like Mayor Pete) and focus on policy beyond metropolitan echochambers, notably with Bernie with 40+ years of proven record who uniquely can be trusted to fight unyielding rather than flipflop progressive policy per political winds – perhaps educate from demonstrable facts rather than enable the misinformed/apolitical sheep in a troubling feedback loop. Of course, Colbert lives in that metropolitan echochamber, and is further pressured to focus on ratings and establishment approved content (it still stings his glorifying interview with Hillary), so again perhaps wishing in vain.

  17. Lol I thought he did a great Trump impersonation, but he does an even better Bernie Sanders impersonation. 😂 Bernie 2020!!

  18. even if Buttigieg doesn't win the race it's still hella inspiring to see him achieve such popularity. he could do so much for queer community as the next president. yay US, for once in history you've done something that actually deserves recognition.

  19. Get a grip, Stephen. You're what? 55 years old? That means you're a lot closer to that "65 and older" demographic than you are to Buttigieg's 37. You're caricature of the demographic was about as funny as blackface, and about as accurate.

  20. i cannot see the spineless ass kissers in the senate removing Trump from office no matter what the hearings conclude the only way you Americans can get him out of office is to vote him out in a massive voter turn out…sadly 35% of your population are complete morons who do not care if Trump and his family and cohorts are criminals as long as a colored guy is not president and those pesky Mexicans are'nt stealing the jobs they do not want to do..

  21. My my , wonder what Stephen Colbert will have to talk about when all of the impeachment stuff is over with, the poor man will just have to make something up because he sure will need to because he won't have anything to talk about

  22. https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2019/11/sri-lanka-set-presidential-vote-divisive-campaign-191115165216846.html
    81.5% of Shri Lankans voted in 2015. People, register to vote and VOTE!

  23. Thank God for career diplomat's who would rather give the CHUMP the centre finger than deny a supeona, Stephen throw in the pen and I'll take that book.

  24. I like the pause between……"Today's star……witness. Yes we are seeing a lot of new stars come onto the set of the #GreatestRealityShowOnEarth called American Politics

  25. Come on, most of Colbert’s Friday shows are taped on Thursdays. We all know it. That’s why the jokes almost always about stuff that happened on Thursday. This preemptive justification is just because they knew everyone would be tuning in to see jokes about the Friday testimony. 😄

  26. People actually cheered for Pete? WTF, the candidate with a bunch of billionaire donations and a former Goldaman Sach's exec heading his campaign? The candidate that tried to fool black voters two days ago?

  27. Gasp, you filmed a Friday ep on a Thursday?! I thought you were just limited to four outfits a week and sweated less on Thursdays!

  28. Yovanovitch’s testimony would have been totally useless according to people who said that… But she still helped adding an article of impeachment according to presidential Twitter account…

  29. So glad I finally heard someone say the word "Buttigeig" because I've been reading it "Butty Geeg" (hard "g" like "greed")

  30. Pres Chump, in his life-long war against all other life, now openly commits witness intimidation with the full support of the GOP.

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