Anastasia (Dingo Pictures) – Phelous

Anastasia (Dingo Pictures) – Phelous


Dingo Pictures was somehow more accurate with their adaptation of The Hunchback of Notre Dame than both UAV AND Golden Films–in their own goofy way… Can they do the same for Anastasia? Spoilers: no. [chamber music] Oh Dingo, Dingo, Dingo, they really did it with this one. I mean, watching Dingo Pictures is always quite the experience, but this one just has you constantly reeling to try and keep up with the nonsense! [Phelous] Some of these Dingo Pictures movies have quite the cover variations. I’ve mentioned how a lot of them tried to look better than the actual Dingo Picture character models, but that’s not so much the case for the English DVD for Anastasia. This cruddy picture here isn’t even representative of what she looks like in the slightest! They got the dog down, though, who is the main character, if you believe this tacked-on title screen. SOME foreign releases, though, DID get the “let’s pretend this looks better than it actually does” artwork covers, but then there were others that tried to make her look a bit like the Bluth version, just with darker hair. This cover was also slightly modified and used for the Midas Interactive PlayStation release. The covers that best show what you’re actually gonna get are the German ones, of which there are THREE variants. My favorite has to be, though, the giant dead-eyed Anastasia with a horrible redraw of Anastasia from the cover of the Bluth one, who has no feet and she must run. Why would they double up the Anastasia on the cover? (sigh) Well, there is a reason in the movie for this, and we’ll get to that. [Phelous] Man, I can’t eat any of the snow here, it’s ALL yellow! And I know I’ve talked about Dingo showing garbage area that you shouldn’t see before, but man, in a few of these shots, it looks like their crap-tacular backgrounds are gonna slide right off the table! Well, this horse sure knows what movie it’s in. [Audio from the movie] BrRrRrRrrrrrrrr… Vladimir! Vladimir! (in a familiar voice) Grand Duchess? Vladimir, are you absolutely sure that you have packed all the suitcases? No, Grand Duchess. Well, better to be safe than sorry, so my deceased husband said, God rest his soul, n’est-ce pas (am I right)? Oh, if she would only GO… What even is anything anymore? [Phelous] But hey, at least they DID use the term “Grand Duchess.” It’s never used for Anastasia, but at least it’s in there. (in the judge voice) Also, really glad to hear the return of that horrible judge voice from Hunchback. [Audio from the movie] The best thing about the Russian winter is that my mother escapesssss to Parissss. Hee hee hee! I’m gonna tally up the laughing shots in this one, because even for Dingo, this was excessive! [From the movie] What are you laughing about, Anastasia? I am Grand Duchess Olga of Romanov! [Phelous] Well, there were a couple Grand Duchess Olgas, one was Anastasia’s sister. The one I believe this is sort of supposed to be, though, is Grand Duchess Olga Alexandrovna. This would seem to be the person that the grandmother characters in Anastasia stories are always based on, but in reality she was Anastasia’s aunt. The real Olga DID meet with Anna Anderson to see if she was Anastasia, which no doubt inspired a lot of the fictional Anastasia stories to have that reunion-with-the-grandmother part, but the outome in reality was quite different, as she was fairly unconvinced that this was her niece. [From the movie] When adults are talking, children have to keep quiet, compris (got it)? Yes, Granny. [Phelous] Whoa, the cross-eyed eye roll! Only the REAL blonde Anastasia could pull THAT one off! And yeah, I don’t know why they went with this bright blonde when the real Anastasia didn’t have that hair, clearly. My best guess though, is they did it so she wouldn’t look completely the same as their Esmerelda character when she grew up. Gotta love those lazy Dingo redraw techniques! [Movie] This is a law for you as well, ma petite (young lady)! Well at least that HORSE is enjoying itself now! [Movie] My son, don’t you want to come to Paris with me? Now, you know I can’t leave Moscow. The people are planning a revolution! To drive me away! Me, the tsar of Russia! [Phelous] “As you know, mother, that is meeeee, the tsaaaaaar.” “I just felt like telling you things that you knew alreadyyyyyyy.” [Movie] (in a ridiculous voice) Imagine that! The people want to rule themselves? [Clip from The Time Machine (I Found at a Yard Sale)] WHAT THE. Uh…I guess that’s what it sounds like when a German person tries to pull off a Russian accent? (groan) Dingo, you have enough trouble saying words that make any sort of sense, you shouldn’t be attempting accents! [Movie] HA! The people are stupid! [Phelous] “SOOOOOOOOO stuuuuu-piiiiiiiiiiiid.” [Movie] You need an advisor whom you can rely on, but Rasputin I believe has a face of a traitor! Heh heh heh heh… [Phelous] “I love being called a traitor because I hate subtlety,” “just look at my goblin face!” [Movie] Rasputin has been in my service for many years, and he was always faithful to me. YA! YA! YAAAA-HAA-HAA, I LOVE laughing at things that aren’t funny! [Movie] Hahahaha [Phelous] Before annoying Olga leaves and waves goodbye to the audience, she gives Anastasia a pendant, so that they’ll have a plot item to identify her with later. If only the real Anastasia had an immediate-proof pendant, would have saved some time… and some really thought-out adaptations of her story… [Phelous] WOW. Olga’s head is like the size of half of the driver’s body! Conceited much? [Movie] Heeheeheeheeheehee! [Phelous] Oh yes, it’s time for us to meet the leaders of the People’s Will Revolution: the Romanov’s butler, some fat jackass, and the stupid French chef from Pocahontas. But I suppose we should allow Dingo a certain amount of lazy license on this story. [Movie] The tsar lives like a god and the people in the country are starving! [Phelous] “Most of the revolutionaries are sooo hungry! Heh heh heh heh…” [Movie] And in the palace, tons of food is trown away, am I right, Cook? Okay, you very lazily reused your chef character, and even still nonsensically had him flipping a pancake at this meeting, but at the very least, you could have taken the TWO SECONDS to give him a name! [Phelous] Cooky Cookerson fought for the hammer and sickle symbol to instead be the FRYING PAN and sickle symbol, but sadly, Sitting Man just wouldn’t budge. [Movie] How do you dare to turn up here? Hadn’t you promised that the tar would go with his mother to Paris and we’d prepare the revolution in peace? So their plan was to, what, just wait for the tsar to leave Russia, then lock him out and say “The country’s ours now”? [Movie] Tonight, you will be rid of the tsaaaaaar, yesssssss! [Phelous] “Nailed my line for suuuure, yessssssssssss!” Can anyone REALLY take bouncy-nose Rasputin seriously? [Movie] (chuckle) Well that changes MY mind. Can’t wait for Rasputin to tie Anastasia to the railroad tracks. [Movie] Ha ha ha ha ha ha… [Phelous] Yes, you are really seeing this. Rasputin is taking out the tsar’s palace with a cartoon bomb. And, double your pleasure, double your dumb: [Movie] HA HA HA HA HA HAAA HAAAAAAAA!! [Phelous] So…yeah, a bunch of people died there, but at least we can always trust DINGO to handle that subject well. [random old-video-game-sounding laughing clip] [Audio clip from Dingo’s Hunchback] It belongs in a great big FIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [Phelous] You might be thinking the tsar died here as well, as he never shows up again, but you would be wrong. He was just thrown by the explosion, Resident Evil movie style, to France. And, after falling in a little time portal, became the Abbe, and adopted Quasimodo. Sorry, I’m just being silly, as we all know from history, Tsar Nicholas II turned into a tuba. [Movie] I can’t help thinking I think it looks like arsony [sic]. [Phelous] WHOA, someone make the Notre Dame bum a detective right away! I see why they were reusing characters, though, as giant-feet Comrade Mustache and Miss broken-arm short-legs showed how invested they were in drawing anyone new for this. [Movie] Nobody has survived, they must all be dead. “Nobody has survived, they all must be dead.” Wow, forget Detective Bum, we’ve got a TRUE mastermind on the case! [Birdemic clip] Hey, there’s dead people on the side of the road. Let’s go see if there’s any survivors. [Phelous] Oh shit, there was a dead survivor! Way to blow, uber-mind! [Movie] (with a female voice) The child is full of soot. She must have been in the palace. She is probably the daughter of a servant. Yeah, just assume that, Mr. Woman-Voice Stache! [Movie] The devil should get me…Anastasia’s still alive! (garbled) Oh wait, I will change that immediately! [Phelous] (very garbled) “I LOVE BEING BARELY COHERENT!” [Movie] I don’t know anything! That’s how I feel at this point, too… [Movie] Hehehehe, she doesn’t know who she is! That is good! [Phelous] “Yes, good! Stealing plot points from the more popular Anastasia adaptation, very good!” [Movie] Hahahaha… She doesn’t know who she is, is that possible? [Shao Kahn audio clip] IMPOSSIBLE! [Phelous] This has gotta be one of the most asinine “displaced Anastasia” tales; they found her AT THE PALACE! Did NONE of these bozos know what any of the royal family looked like? And they’re all just so blase about the palace being blown up you’d think that this happens all the time! Then again, maybe it does in Dingo world. I have trouble even remembering reality a few minutes into one of THESE. [Phelous] So Miss Mustache decides he’ll take Anastasia home with him, because why bother checking with anyone about anything? [Movie] The tsaaaaaaaaaar is deeeeeaaad! [Phelous] Of course, it might take a while for anyone to actually NOTICE in this universe. [Movie] We had agreed that I make sure that the tsar disappears, as you make sure the people elect ME as their president! [Phelous] These four doofuses can’t even find a place to hold their meetings after the palace got completely wrecked from one roly poly bomb, do you seriously expect us to believe that they’ve overtaken the country and replaced the governing structure? OOOH, THERE SHE IS! THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER, and she’s…smelling the crap on Anna’s boots. Good stuff. [Movie] What’s her name? Sasha. Everybody’s got a name, but I don’t have one. [Phelous] Well, THAT’S not true. [Movie] You still cannot remember you anything? I HATE when I can’t remember my anything! [Movie] You have probably lost your memory…from the explosion last night. Alright, that’s HER excuse. WHAT’S YOURS? [Phelous] Glad we’ve got another detective on this case, though, they’ll figure out ALL the blatantly obvious things… except of course that she’s Anastasia. [Movie] (oddly quiet barking) I expected better advice from such an important character. [Phelous] Why do the dog noises sound like they’re twenty feet away from the mic compared to the rest of the dialogue? I can’t believe Dingo would mess up audio! [Movie] Sasha wants you to stay with us. [Phelous] “It seems really ill-advised, but I always go with what my DOG says.” [Movie] Could my name be Asha? [Phelous] “Yeah, sure. I guess that’s sort of close to your real name–oops, I mean who are you?” Oh, Sasha changed her mind. It’d be STUPID to run THAT way. [Movie] (what sounds like the tsar’s voice) 6 years later. [Phelous] (sing-songy) Had to say it, because changing the text is too much work! Rasputin also has one of those lazy fatass rats as a sidekick now. Why? Well, because, y’know, he had that bat in the Bluth one, that’s why. [Movie] I haven’t been elected! This mob has not elected me againnnnnnnnn! Ah, shoot! I KNEW I meant to vote for Rasputin! [Phelous] I mean, who WOULDN’T trust that troll face? [Movie] Democracy isn’t worth anything. Let’s have a revolution! That must have already happened if you’ve gotten rid of the tsar, you stupid rat! [Movie] Revolution? We had one just a couple of years ago. Then you start a NEW revolution! [Phelous] Okay, Russia really did have two revolutions, so Dingo got THAT right. Rasputin didn’t have anything to do with either of them, though, mostly due to being dead before they happened, and I really don’t know why these things keep putting Rasputin as one of the leaders of the revolution. Oh yeah, and that rat is the only talking animal in this one, but I guess Rasputin isn’t friends with his street gang anymore, so he needed SOMEONE to bounce ideas off of. [Movie] Oh, don’t talk such rubbish! [Phelous] Rubbish. Dingo just LOVES rubbish, and it shows. [Movie] The old babushka must heeyy me! [???] “And you’ll need all the ‘heeyy’ you can geeeet!” [Movie] BABUSHKA! [Phelous] So Rasputin is either yelling for a head scarf or a grandmother to help him? Nah, of course THIS babushka is… [Movie] (cackling) [Phelous] …some stupid-looking witch with a ROOT growing out of her head. [Movie] Comrade Rasputin! So, you blew up the palace for nothing six years ago? Ha-ha! You told me when the tsar and his family were dead, I’d come to power! [Phelous] Wait, is Rasputin an elf or a Vulcan? That would explain a lot. What? No it wouldn’t! [Phelous] Watch out, babushka, I think your head is trying to escape your body. [Movie] Anastasia is alive! Kill her! Yeah, that’ll change the votes! [Movie] How can I find the girl after all this time? She could be anywhere now. That’s YOUR problem, my dear. (cackles) HA HA HAA, what the “heeyy” is any of this? [Movie] (growly gibberish while the mouse giggles) [Phelous] Well, I hope you liked that witch being added to the plot, ‘cuz she never shows up again. At least she told Rasputin to do that thing he was already trying to do–oh, wait, that was useless. Um, at least she told Rasputin that Anastasia was still alive–oh wait, no, he knew that too. Never mind! (singing) All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faa-aaa-aaces… [Movie] The old Grand Duchess in Paris still believes her granddaughter’s alive. She must be pretty mad. [Phelous] “Of course, I saw a girl who looked exactly like her survive the explosion,” “but that’s far too obvious to occur to me!” [Movie] She has even offered a reward of 10,000 rubles for the one who brings back Anastasia. (with a deep male voice) 10,000 rubles? I would really like to know how many false granddaughters will be pinned on her! “OOOOAAAAAAOOOHHHHH…” Why? Why is the Bluth Anastasia here? And why is she a man? [Phelous] Seriously, this is just a straight-up Dingo-ized version of the Bluth Anastasia, but they made her a man, despite not really trying in the slightest to actually make her LOOK like one. He’s still got really feminine-looking features on the face, but oddly without black lines for the nose or anything like most of the other Dingo characters. Also, he’s apparently wearing mummy wrapping under his coat. I just really don’t get why Dingo would copy the Bluth Anastasia design, then make her a different character, especially a MALE one! [Movie] (extremely garbled) There he is! This thief, stop him! [Phelous] “BRURARARURARARURARARARARARUH!” [Movie] Couldn’t you stop him? Damn. [Phelous] WHAT THE DAMN HELL IS THAAAT?!? Glad Dingo creatures can get even worse if they’re drawn into the background. Whoa, nice run cycle! Oh, sorry. Had amnesia for a sec’ and I forgot what running actually looked like. [Phelous] (singing to the Sonic SatAM theme) Too crappy of a run cycle, Anastasia the maaaan! [Movie] I have to disappear from Moscow, at least until this thing is dead and buried. [Phelous] That voice just seems so wrong coming out of this character. Every time it happens, you’re just like “UGH!” But oh well. Sure was nice of Dingo Bambi and Thumper to cameo. Then again, it was their willingness to meet with the people like this that led Bambi Thumper to beating Rasputin and Rat-sputin in the elections. [Movie] (barking and knocking on the door) We don’t want to buy anything. I don’t want to sell anything, I just want to take shelter here. What is your name? Boris Klovaki Well, Boris Lovaki, then come in. [???] [Phelous] “Since you have a name, you can stay as long as you like.” [Movie] (more barely audible barking) Thanks for the contribution, dawg! [Move] Hehehehehe [Phelous] So…Anastasia is going to be ANASTASIA’S love interest? That’s kinda self-cest, isn’t it? So if they screw, is that like masturbation? [Movie] Can’t you tie up this monster? Have you heard, Sasha? He is really afraid of you! [Phelous] Male Anastasia notices FEMALE Anastasia’s pendant drop with his broken eyes, and figures: “YOINK!” [Movie] I can’t believe it! The pendant is worth at least a hundred, perhaps even two hundred (weird pause) rubles. “I thought I messed up the line, but I totally (pause) saved it.” [Movie] Hmm, if I sold this, I could pay all my debts. Ah, what a good idea– Boris! I must have lost my pendant somewhere around here. Have you seen it? [Phelous] “Oh, you mean this thing I’m looking at?” “No. I haven’t.” “OOOH-KAAAAAY!” [Movie] What’s the matter, Sasha? (quiet barks) [Phelous] Too bad Sasha can’t talk like that brilliant rat. You’ll never beat Rat-sputin in the polls running with HER as your partner, Anna-zone! [Movie] Now I have to go. What about breakfast? [Phelous] “Breakfast is ruined!” There’s a store that is just “VODKA”? That is so stupid. I love it. [Movie] Look what I’ve got here! Where’d you get that from? Oh I was given it by an old man because, well… I chopped wood for him…uh, yeah, I chopped wood for him! They “HOPE” that is true? Why, they just really want to imagine Male-stasia chopping wood? [Movie] Why would I lie to you? You’ve known me for ages! Exactly. Doesn’t matter, Let me–(full stop) Tell me, how many rubles will you give me for it? [Phelous] Boris-stasia of course sees in the paper that the plot pendant is his female counterpart’s, because why wouldn’t that pendant be in the paper? [Movie] (random voice) How could you be so stupid? (another voice says something indecipherable as the Dingo wah-wah music plays) (the first voice) We could have easily earned the money ourselves! Come on, go fetch Rasputin! What was ANY of that? [Movie] Asha! You dare come back here? You thief, you robber! [Phelous] Did the dog talk off-screen? How does she suddenly know this? [Movie] I haven’t stolen your pendant, but when I was at my home I noticed that it had fallen into my boot. What are you saying? Sasha, have you heard? My pendant had fallen into his boot. [Phelous] At least the DOG is amused by this never-ending stupidity! [Movie] Have you been prrricked by your conscience, you old vagabond? [Phelous] I don’t know if “old vagabond” are quite the right words to describe this…this… Ana-bomi-sta-tion! And that’s not a negative comment about trans people, there’s a difference between Dingo’s mess of a character here and someone who actually changed their gender, COME ON! [Movie] Is Asha not your real daughter? Yes, she is now, but as a matter of fact– [Tien Shinhan audio] It isn’t! [Movie] But it looks like my pendant! You are Anastasia! Rrrrubish! Everybody knows that the whole family of the tsar was killed at that time. Asha! Asha! What’s wrong, dear father? [Phelous] “I need you to wipe my butt!” (Dingo’s wah-wah music) In classic Dingo fashion, these morons take forever discussing the obvious, and that they’ll go to Paris to see Anastasia’s grandmother. Also, Boris-stasia seems to be turning into a raccoon… “There can be only one!” (Dingo’s “DUNN!!” of death) (Hunchback nuns screaming) [Movie] (Miss Mustache’s voice) –away from home alone. [Phelous] Rasputin finds out about Asha-stasia’s little trip from the bums outside the Vodka store, but the most important part of this scene is that learning that Rat-sputin can do a bit of flying and teleporting. Speaking of teleporting, the horse-drawn carriage makes it past the snow line and suddenly, it’s summer. But you know, getting from Moscow to Paris is just a quick little jaunt through Russia, Belarus, Poland, Germany, and France. Real easy for a horse-drawn carriage trip. [Movie] EEEUUUAAUUGH! FASTEEE-EEAAURRRGH!!! That’s pretty much my thoughts on this movie at this point, especially the “EEUUUAAAAUURRGH!” [Phelous] But of course we can’t wrap this thing up without the important things, like PIGEONS. And then Anastasia and company stopping to eat and discussing how they will in fact consume the food with their mouths beforehand. OOH, OOH, and don’t forget, Rasputin’s HORSE gets tired, and then WUSCHEL shows up! “I hate Wuschel!” Can’t believe this lazy horse is tired after running through only several countries! [Movie] (distant barks) BLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBL! Ha ha ha! Why? [Movie] You leave Dirk alone, you bloody mongrel! How DARE you swear at my dog like that! Sasha is NOT a “bloody mongrel”! [Phelous] Yeah, “bloody mongrel” is probably some of the harshest words we’ve ever heard in one of these Dingo Pictires. [Movie] Get away, you country bumpkin! I don’t want to be offended by him like that! [Phelous] You DON’T want to be offended? “Uh, stay off of Tumblr!” [Movie] That was Anastasia! Oooh, am I an idiot! You suuuuuure aaaaaaaaaaare. [Movie] Do you smell that? It’s delicious, mmmmmm! [Same clip] Delicious, mmmmmm! [Same clip slowed down a bit] Delicious MMMMMMMMMMMMMM! [Movie] Perhaps this Boris is not such a bad guy… …after all, hmm? What do you think? [Phelous] “I think all of this food has been perfectly prepaaaaared.” “Fooooor yoooooooouuuuuuu.” “Just kidding, it still needs a dash of Wuschel!” [Dingo zap, Dingo “DUNN!!”, and Hunchback nun scream] [Movie]…but it was a tame rat, and obviously belonged to the man. Sasha couldn’t really know…that. That could only have been Ras-pu-teen! [Phelous] Ah, it’s not “Rasputin” any more, it’s “Ras-pu-teen.” (singing to the Rasputin disco song) Ra ra, Ras-pu-teen, lover of the Russian queen, there was a cat who really was gone! [Movie] What is he doing here looking for you– Rasputin? [Phelous] “I said he’s named Ras-pu-teen, you old fart!” “How DARE you interrupt my ‘fooor yooooouuuuuu’!” [Movie] It has been told that it is Rasputin who set fire to the tsar’s palace. (gasp!) Ha. Ha. Ha. Stupid surprised dog. [Phelous] Apparently, everyone just knows that Rasputeen-putin killed the tsar, but doesn’t really care. I suppose that might make SOME sense if the revolution was going on, but surprise, surprise, Dingo isn’t very clear about this. [Movie] What is told beyond that is that he wants to kill the tsar’s daughter-(clipped off) I don’t wanna be killed by Rasputin! (haltingly) Do something about it, (slight pause) Boris! “I. DON’T. KNOOOOW.” … “WHAT I’M. SAYING!” [Movie] From now on, we will pursue Rasputeen. Waaht? We just hide ourselves somewhere and wait until Rasputin has passed us! [Same clip edited in] Waaht? [Movie] Then we can eat our borscht at last and drive behind him peacefully! [Last time] Waaht? [Phelous] Unfortunately for old Rasputeen, he was no match for master Boris’s plan of “hide in the bushes.” He blows past them ‘cuz they’re invisible, and arrives at the “France” building first. Yeah, the entire country is just inside that house. [Movie] Who are you running fromm-muh!? Run away? That’s nonsense! Ooouuut of the way, you stupid fool! What did you say?! You’re arrested! REBHRRRIXNARSHGRRJIHDUTBXBRSRGRRDH! DUYVNCLYWIRR! Well said. [Phelous] Unfortunately, Fance border house arrest is just standing with you outside, and leaving you armed and hoping you just don’t do anything. Surprisingly, that doesn’t work out, so they have to hold a rifle to the source of all of his power! [Movie] We’ll take him away! He won’t molest you again, (unclear)! “MOLEST”?!?! DINGO, YOU INCOMPETENT CRETINS! [Movie] (screechy) EEEEEEEEEEEEExcuse me, mademoiselle, [Phelous] Shut up! [Movie] RRDWCFRATRRWRRARBRRDSAJPZRCRRGR!! NEVER get tired of that, though! [Phelous] Oh, nice, I guess they went over to watercolor Notre Dame. Glad it hasn’t changed at all in 400 years. WOW, Dingo. I know I normally give you shit for reusing your character models, but I know you have other cat ones to use, and CLEARLY no one actually wanted to draw a new one for THIS pointless shot! [Movie] So many streets, how can we find the Grand Duchess here? [Phelous] Look in a mirror, you idiot! [Movie] I’m going to that shop! In the shop, they’ll certainly know where the Grand Duchess is. Oh, that’s stupid! So of course it works. [Phelous] Oh, Olga just lives over on Nice Cats Boulevard. Wabuu’s girlfriend even meets them there. Then we do the “Anastasia proving herself to da granny” scene, but of course in this one, it’s like: “I DON’T KNOW YOU AT ALL.” “Here’s a pendant!” “OH ANASTASIA! IT’S YOU!” [Movie] HA HA HA HA HA! [Phelous] (imitating The Count) Twenty! Twenty damn Dingo laughs! AH, AH…ugggghhhh…. [Movie] Unfortunately, I had made a mistake by not touching this girl– [Quick Sonic PSA interruption] That’s no good! [Movie] Only if she’s dead can I come to power! “I was thinking of voting Rasputin next election,” “but only if he blows up a girl with a bomb!” [Movie] (Anastasia) Stop, Sasha! Stop, Sasha! This is not a ball, this is a bomb! Get off, you stupid beast! Stop! What are you doing there? HELP! OOOOOAAAA-AAAAAUUUUGHAUAUAUAUGGHHH!! YEAH! There WAS a cat who really was gone! Hahahaha… Wow. [Movie] Rah, that was close! (???) [Phelous] Um, so one of Rasputin’s cartoon bombs blew up the ENTIRE Winter Palce, or Alexander Palace, or whatever the shit it was supposed to be here, but this time it was just a localized blast that only took out Rasputin’s corner of the room? I see no issues with that. Let’s move oooooon. [Phelous] Well, dumbass Dingo Rasputin was a lot easier to take out than the actual guy, and I GUESS I can give Dingo credit for not just completely forgetting about his plot line. [Movie] Boy, were we lucky! You heartless man, how can you say that? Sasha is dead! [Phelous] IS SHE? Oh, no. She just got soot on her. Rasputin really brought the weenie bomb this time. Then they all set off for America, with PIRATES, ‘cuz why not? And Anastasia declares her memory restored! What a solid story this was! I mean, they even tell us it was “FINE” at the end! Ugh, the Anastasia story is a really weird one to ever have become multiple kiddie cartoons like this. It’s about a bloody revolution that doesn’t have a happy ending, except when you completely change everything about it! But I think we can all agree that the Dingo Pictures adaptation was RRRRGYVRRBHNICRBRUGHRCBURRWHZRGRHXUHRCBVSBHUHRCGUSBRWHARHDRZKERR! RRR. Alright, I’m off to the France building at the Russia-France border! Hoping to meet an alternate design for myself gender-swapped there. Also, I might get arrested, so I should probably pack a sword. I’ve also got to have the tunes, because this horse-drawn carriage trip across the ocean’s gonna take, like…at least a couple hours. [outtro music] “Turns out being blown up didn’t help Rasputeen in the polls at all!” “He lost to a raccoon now!” “Hee hee hee, I’m the tsar now…” “or president…or whatever we’re doing.”

Only registered users can comment.

  1. Erm, is anybody else wondering why 'male gender switch Boris – Anastasia' is flipping a gang sign throughout the whole film?

  2. My eyes hurt from looking at the backgrounds it looks like some shit I would have drawn as a kid. Plus these historical inaccuracies in the opening are hurting me. Tsar Nicholas was not fat and quiet handsome plus he’d be the last person to admit a revolution would be happening. Anastasia grandmother was Maria Feodorovna of Denmark.

  3. He missed one Damn Dingo Laugh
    When Rasputin’s lazy horse gets tired, the fat ass Rat is laughing while Rasputin is yelling at the horse.

  4. As a historian I despise the anastasia stories cause it’s so stupid. It spits in the face of history. She was shot point blank in the cellar with the rest of the useless royal family.
    To think that she would have survived a bullet to the head is just moronic.

    I always find it halious to imagine anastasia
    Just waking back into Moscow and going up to the cut throat brutal bolsheviks with Lenin Trotsky and Stalin and just been like ok. I’m back.

    Even if she did somehow survive a bullet to the skull, get up, manage to sneak past the 100’s of bolshevik guards in the place, streets, city.
    How the hell would she even make it out the basement let alone out the palace.

  5. "There is a store that is just vodka ? That is so stupid, I love it."

    Uuuuuuh… You never been to Russia, have you, Phelous…?

  6. I used to laugh at good times for how goofy it was and how crappy their Disney knock offs were. But since Dingo…nothing is the same…good times were masters of their trade in comparison 😂

  7. Here's my theory about why Boris looks like the bluth Anastasia: Boris was a dbx2 cac who was taught the body change by ginyu, and changed bodys with bluth Anastasia.

  8. this film in a nutshell:

    here we go 'round the idiot's stop!
    this movie's a flop
    who's iq's have dropped
    i think you'll need
    some peppermint schnapps
    to get through this damned movie

  9. 30:30–30:46

    to Zilly from Dastardly and Muttley and their Flying Machines What did he say? What did he say?

    Zilly: He says he thinks we can all agree this flick was lazy as all hell and it should be destroyed and forgotten until the very end of time itself.

  10. 7:30 Aparently that worked for Katarina II The Great. No joke, she took over Russia when her husband Peter III Romanov was out of the country and when he came back she ordered to shoot canons at him.

  11. I can’t believe they called Baba Yaga babushka in this movie. Wait why is Baba Yaga in this movie anyways? Witches weren’t part of the Russian revolution.

  12. 3:50 Well, the real Anastasia's story ends like original Little Mermaid and Esmeralda: SHE DIED. The kids were shot with their whole family by Bolsheviks who got off on murdering children. Adaptations try to make it… less fucked-up. Also, they always screw up the pet names. Literally nobody who speaks russian will shorten Anastasia to Anya (the short form of Anna), or Vladimir to Vlad – two completely unrelated names. Nastasias are called either Nastya or Asya (the latter is a title of famous russophobic story too), and Vladimirs – Vova or Volodya (west press likes to call huilo "Vlad", which is ridiculous, he's just a Vovochka). Then, Dimitri would be never addressed by the full name (unless it's with a patronymic), and usually just called Dima, or Dimon. You know, like Medvedev in that Navalny Pornhub hit movie, "On vam ne Dimon" about corruption in ruski government. Hell, at least this version rightly makes nobles speak French. Only peasant serfs spoke russian in Imperial russia. Also, lol at fat Nicholas II, the guy actually looked like "not Dimon" Medvedev, TINY and miserable.

  13. 16:20 10k roubles, that's… 150 bucks. Nah, I'm sure ruskies did a lot of horrible stuff for less, but still… 19:30 that's one and a half… perhaps even three US dollars! Oh my…

  14. Holy Jesus, now I know that my history teacher was lying and the truth about Romanov family is in this movie (if we can call this fucking piece of shit that was made by blind and handless four year old children a movie)
    As russian I'm crying bloody tears after that really

  15. "I guess that's what it sounds like when a German person tries to pull off a Russian accent?" – Doesn't sound any more ridiculous than when an American person tries that. Generally, these fake-Russian-accents are very non-representative of how a Russian accent truly sounds in a different language.

    Also "Rasputeen" is the correct way of pronouncing it. That whole "Raz-pew-tinn"-thing how English-speaking people say it is just straight up wrong.

  16. Y'know, the Tsar's voice strongly reminds me of Guru from Dragon Ball Z Abridged, can't you just imagine that?

    "HOW DO YOU THINK I GOT SO FAAAAAAAAT?!"

  17. Anastasia's hair colour in the Dingo seems more like dirty mute blonde, not bright blonde!! Also, Rasputin is too tall to be a goblin and too ugly to be an elf or a Vulcan.

  18. my wife hates anastasia movies, especially the one by fox, its dumb and nonsensical, plus wtf they did to rasputin, turning him into a bad guy, the whole thing was a wreck, cue the eye roll >_> sigh .. … 3:39 the one on the left is nightmarish and creepy, stop staring at me! what a way to wreck the truth about anastasia, every movie about her is the same tripe and its dumb, and dingo pictures movies are super unsettling 0_0

  19. 21:30 people who are offended by him saying "people who changed their gender", he wasn't well informed at the time and guess what, he wasn't trying to be rude either.
    if you watch any of the podcasts on movie nights with him in them then you can see that he is a very understanding open minded person, hay the fact that he tortures himself with insert dingo pictures joke just for our entertainment proves how much he cares about others.

  20. It's like the animation team for School House Rock tried to make full-bodied characters, but ended up creating a country of mostly lepers.

  21. 4:48 wait wait wait is that fat Dingo-Frollo supposed to be Tsar Nicholas II? That thing looks nothing like him! The tsar was good-looking and in great shape, just look him up. But hey, what did we expect from Dingo?

  22. 32:24 The newspaper's name (?) is "GLASNOST? NET!" (the Russian for "Pulcity? No!")
    Also, there is a "borschtsch" written in the bottom of the other page, which is actually german for borscht (beetroot soup).
    And as a Russian, I can assure you that it's an accurate depiction of Russian media 👌🏻

  23. 4:43

    Actually, at the time, the capital was St. Petersburg before being renamed Petrograd at the start of WWI and then renamed Leningrad after the October Revolution and then moving the capital to Moscow.

  24. I can't breathe. 🤣🤣 The fact that Anastasia's love interest is a bad version of the Bluth one absolutely hilarious. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Also, why are like half of the men voiced by the voice actress? 🤣🤣🤣

  25. Les dingo productions, on pense toujours atteindre le fond du fond, mais ils arrivent à creuser encore.

  26. Why does everyone assume Moscow was the capital of the Russian Empire? Saint Petersburg was the capital until 1918, when the Communists moved the capital to Moscow to prevent potential invaders from being able to easily seize the capital, as Saint Petersburg is close to the borders.

  27. COOKY COOKERSON lol
    oneaday I'm gonna cook Rasputin and serve him to mr crunch bone for lunch

  28. Why would the grandmother be going to Paris since the beginning part of the story would take place while they were still in the middle of the first World War?

  29. I think babushka might be the correct term as the old tree hag might be Rasputin’s grandma in this. Like radu and his hag mother in the subspecies series. As clearly Rasputin and her are not human…then again none of these characters seem very human

  30. Are none of us going to address the elephant in the room? I speak, of course, of the inspired choice to model Nicholas II after Ron Jeremy.

  31. Whoever wrote the subtitles for this review (Phelous or whoever it may be) must have god tier pain tolerance to listen to every line just to make sure they understood what they wrote.

  32. Isn't it weird that many animals can communicate with humans in these movies, but Sasha (or however the dog's name is spelled) can't? Didn't they train her to talk, or what?

  33. Anastasia forgot everything…so she became amnestasia.
    oh sorry to offend any anastasia fans, i am new to the whole pro-anastasia thing!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *