Apparently, You Can’t Pretend You’re a Cop – Mike Vecchione – This Week at the Comedy Cellar

Apparently, You Can’t Pretend You’re a Cop – Mike Vecchione – This Week at the Comedy Cellar


– Do you guys know that if
you tell people you’re a cop and you’re not a cop,
that’s against the law? (audience laughter) I did not realize that ’til very recently. I thought it was just acting. But apparently acting is now a felony. In New York City. So when I show up to a crime scene, (audience laughter) somebody is always like, “Are you a cop?” And I don’t wanna say I’m a cop, ’cause it’s against the law. So they go, “Are you a cop?” And I go, “I’ll ask the
fucking questions, okay?” (audience laughter) Seal off the goddamn perimeter, Manzetti. Is there always a Manzetti? Usually there is. 90% of the time there is a Manzetti. And 100% of the time he’s incompetent. (audience laughter) Really works to my advantage. Guys, I have attacked the
Italian-American community. Of which I am a member. I’m sorry about that, people who came here from Staten Island. (audience member hoots) Thank you, thank you. How was the ferry ride over? – [Audience Member] Fabulous. – You guys have to take a ferry. That’s where we keep our
most obnoxious Italians. (audience laughter) In Staten Island. We separate ourselves
from them with water. (audience laughter) Because we know what they’re capable of. Can I go after our community a little bit? Lemme go after it.
– Hey, go, go, go, go. – Thank you.
– Italian here. Italian here.
– Thank you Gina. (audience laughter) I assume your name is Gina, or Regina, or some variation of a saint. (audience laughter) Let me go after the Italian community. Italians get off easy. Germany has a stigma for being evil. But if you check history, Italy fought right alongside Germany. During World War II. But we have no stigma for evil, and do you guys know why? It’s because we have fantastic food. (audience laughter) We get away with a lotta
shit because of our food. ‘Cause after the war, Italy was
celebrating with the Allies. And the Allies stopped, and they’re like, “What are you doing, Italy? “Weren’t you fighting
right alongside Germany, “doing a lotta evil shit?” Italy was like, “Whoa, maybe. “But why don’t you try some
of this chicken cacciatore?” (audience laughter) “Huh? “See how evil that is.” (audience laughter) “My mother’s got a baked ziti in the oven, “we could talk after that,” and then everybody’s too tired. (audience laughter) Carbs are the real evil. That joke was really about carbs. What did I do before this, guys? I was a teacher. I taught in the city of Philadelphia, I taught kids with emotional problems, I taught them biology. Halfway through my first year,
I have a student approach me, he says, “Mr. Vecchione, if
you don’t pass me in biology, “I’m gonna stab you in
the heart with a pencil.” (audience laughter) I said, “Lemme tell you something. “If you could bring a pencil to school, “and then locate my heart, I’m
gonna pass you in biology.” (audience laughter) There will be no child left
behind, not on my watch. Not on my watch, no. I saw that on TV. I don’t even know what that is. I saw it on television. My first job outta college, I worked at a residential facility for students who had emotional and behavioral problems. Okay, they were kicked
outta Philadelphia schools, they lived on campus. My job was to sit in the hallway, and if there was a
problem in the classroom, I had to go in and restrain the student. For this service, I made $18,000 a year. Which, you should be laughing. ‘Cause that’s low even for the ’90s. (audience laughter) It’s very weird when you
have to restrain a student, ’cause you have to
wrestle ’em to the ground, but they can still talk to you. And these kids would say
vicious things to me. I took this kid to the ground, he turns in my ear, and he says to me, “My cousin is gonna come up here, “and he’s going to kill you.” And this is a teaching
moment, believe it or not. So I was like, “Look,
if your cousin kills me, “I also have a cousin.” (audience laughter) “Who loves me very much. “If your cousin kills me, my cousin “will then have to kill you.” (audience laughter)
“Okay? “That’s the streets,
that’s just Tupac, okay? “I’m not planning revenge,
but that’s the streets.” You know what this kid said? “I’m ready to die.” (audience laughter) And I was like, “Me too. “I’m also ready to die. “I don’t know why you’re ready to die, “I’m ready to die ’cause
I’m making $18,000 a year “to have this conversation.” (audience laughter) “You just ended up here. “I went to college to get here. “Who do you think made
poorer life choices? “I would say me. “I would say you should
be restraining me.” (audience laughter) Then I taught in a public school, and that’s where the real
money started rolling in. (audience laughter) Thank you, that’s the
funniest thing I’ve said. (audience laughter) There’s no money in teaching. These kids that I taught,
behavioral and emotional problems, they don’t have grades, they have goals. They have individualized
educational plans. Sometimes the administrators in the school don’t even realize that. I’m teaching, I’m being
observed by the principal, high-stress, pulls me aside
during the observation, he says, “Mr. Vecchione,
there’s a kid sleeping “in the back of your room. “That’s inappropriate.” I’m like, “Actually sir, it’s not. “Because he’s not being graded. “His goal, however, “is to not throw his
desk through the window.” (audience laughter) “So actually, he’s killing it right now.” (audience laughter) “He’s doing a fantastic job. “You’re the one who is
being inappropriate. “Please keep your voice down.” (audience laughter) “‘Cause if you wake him
up, he will throw his desk “directly through the window. “He’ll throw his desk through the window.” (audience members clap) Thank you everybody. So I’m single, and I’m
ready to Christian Mingle. (audience laughter) The girl that I’ve been
stalking on Christian Mingle (audience laughter) has filed a restraining order against me. And she was like, “You
have to stay 50 feet away.” And I was like, “I will
not stay 50 feet away “from God’s match for me!” (audience laughter) “You’re God’s match for me.” (audience laughter) There’s no Christian
Mingle for your phone, did you guys know that? So I just did Tinder,
but I did it at church, which is like Christian Mingle. I wish Christian Mingle was on your phone. You wouldn’t swipe left
to reject, like on Tinder, you would swipe down. So it’s like you’re rejecting her and sending her to hell at the same time. It’s like, “I don’t love you, “and neither does the Lord Jesus.” (audience laughter) “Both of us are gonna pass.” (audience laughter) Some of you are in relationships, and you sincerely look happy. And don’t answer this out loud, answer it in your head,
or it’ll ruin the night. Just answer it in your head,
don’t answer it out loud. Is anybody here with somebody, you could be sitting right next to them, you could be touching their leg right now. And you’re thinking to yourself, “After this weekend, I don’t
wanna ruin the weekend, “after this weekend, this
relationship is over.” (audience laughter) “I’m gonna dump this person. “I’m gonna dump them. “I can’t stand their stupid face “for one more week.” (awkward audience laughter) Yeah, it’s getting weird
in here, everybody. (audience laughter) ‘Cause a lotta people are feeling it. Breakups are difficult. Breakups are difficult. When I break up with a woman, I try to do it at a restaurant. ‘Cause I feel like it’s a public place, and she will not cause a scene. But can I share a secret with you guys? I mean no disrespect when I say this. Bitches are crazy now. (audience laughter) They will yell at you
right in a restaurant. So you know what I do? I take her to a Chinese restaurant. That way if she yells at me, it just seems like she’s
working at the restaurant. (audience laughter) I’m sorry, was that joke too
sweet and sour for some of you? You’re really acting like I ruined your happy family with that one. Which is another Chinese dish. A lot of you are gonna
have intercourse tonight, and good for you. You want my advice? You want my input? You want my two cents? Either have drunk sex or role play, you can’t do both, you can’t pull it off. I tried. Guys, I’m the best actor in here. I couldn’t pull it off. Now the role that I chose
for intercourse that night was postal worker. It’s a great role for intercourse, it tracks will with sex. ‘Cause I feel like with
every pelvic thrust, I was doing what? Delivering the mail. Exactly. And I having sex doggy-style, so that’s like mailman,
dog, natural enemies, that makes it hotter. I don’t know why it does,
but it makes it hotter. It makes it so much hotter. I’m having sex doggy-style, as a postal worker, but I’m drunk. So it just keeps going
and going and going. Finally, she whips her head around, which I’m not a fan of, (audience laughter) and she goes, “When are you gonna cum?” And I stay in character, I’m like, “Three to five business days, okay?” (audience laughter) “‘Cause I am a postal worker,
and I am in character.” All right, you guys are fantastic. Thank you so much, I love you guys.

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