Azkaban Prison Tatts | Shayne Smith | Dry Bar Comedy

Azkaban Prison Tatts | Shayne Smith | Dry Bar Comedy


Uh I travel a lot for this job. This is my only job Which is probably not good, but you know what I’m – uh – I travel a lot and people in other places they’re like pretty cool. Not very many people care about my tattoos. I live here in Utah I got to say some of you are not on board. Okay? I have a lot of weird experiences here that don’t happen anywhere else. I’ll give you an example. Once, I got done with a show Uh, I’m here in Utah I get done with the show, and an older gentleman comes up to me afterwards – so old so, so old you guys Have you ever – have you ever seen someone so old that if they were getting in the driver’s side of a car you’d be like “Uh is anybody else seeing this right now?” Y’know? Do I have to stop? Am I the one? You know? How close are we to a farmers’ market, like What is the danger level here is what – so old and he comes right up to me, and he goes “Hey man, I love your comedy, good job, staying off the streets.” I don’t even know what that means okay? Off the – what where did you learn how to talk like that? What are you the coolest guy at your retirement home? You know? He’s just like “I’m the Tupac of my friend group” like what? Just assumes I’m gangster ’cause I have lots of tattoos. I am NOT gangster. That’s not how it works at all okay? I’m the least gangster person ever, I cry at the end of Toy Story 3 like everybody else, okay? That guy cried so hard alright, do you know – me and him a lot of crying, okay? And yeah, man, It’s not gangster, it just makes no sense. I got done. Here’s another thing. I’m in a grocery store. I get in line behind this lady. Just a regular lady Nothing going on. She doesn’t notice me get in line behind her. She’s standing there She turns around she sees me and she makes this noise she goes “Oh ah oh” and then she left! She just left! With all her stuff Like yeah, uh, pretty sure she’s stealing right now is anybody? Is – is anybody else watching her you know? They were not. Uh, yeah, so pretty sure she got away with like a lot of free stuff. Uh Oh man I don’t know. You guys would be surprised to know though, despite all the weird interactions I have with people who like, are weird about my tattoos or don’t know what it’s like to have tattoos, the weirdest interactions my least favorite interactions are always with other people who are heavily tattooed. Not a fan of other heavily tattooed people okay. Yeah, I’m calling it. It’s not good I know everything I need to know about another guy with a lot of tattoos, you know. Your parents hit you, school was hard, you like to bring a snake to the park, you know? I get it. You know, I don’t want to have these weird conversations with guys. It’s terrible. I’ll give you an example Okay, I’m in Walmart. I’m standing in line everything’s going fine I’m in line a lot in my jokes, so just keep going with that, but I’m in – I’m in line. I’m standing there I look over and I see this guy wearing a tank top and he’s – bald head, completely covered in black and gray tattoos. His entire head is like covered in flames He’s got skulls and stuff obviously he got all these tattoos in prison, okay. I feel some of you being awkward. He’s not here, we’re safe, alright? Also, I’m allowed to make the judgment call, alright? So I see him, he sees me, we make eye contact, and it’s locked in for a second and immediately I’m like “Oh no This guy’s gonna try to talk to me.” You know? Have you ever just seen someone in public who’s gonna talk to you, and they’re just so white trash you don’t have the energy to deal with them? So many crazy people. So this guy, he comes up to me, alright, this is dude in Walmart, covered in his tattoos, he comes up to me, his opening line to me – the first thing he says He goes “Hey, man. Where’d you do your time?” What? I’ve done zero time everyone. I’ve never been to jail a day in my life, okay? This guy’s – but he’s like, he’s just making an assumption about me he’s trying to connect with me, and I was like you know what I’m gonna connect with him. I’ll meet him halfway I just messed with him a little. “Sounds like you know how it is, man, did five years in Azkaban. No big deal.” Yeah Yeah, he – he wanted to impress me so bad. He was like “Word, alright, cool cool” All that time in prison and you didn’t read one Harry Potter book? Seems – seems kind of like a waste, you know? I don’t know what he’s up to now, but I’m pretty sure it’s not reading so It’s not-not good. Subscribe to Dry Bar Comedy for even more of the world’s largest collection of clean comedy.

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  1. when I lived in Seattle there was literally a couple who brought a snake to the park near my apartment so the big laugh at that line made me laugh even harder

  2. "This guy is making an assumption about me" dude you literally said you looked at him and automatically didn't want to talk to him because you thought "white trash." And then you automatically assumed he couldn't read because he did time and didn't read a children's book series. Do you have no self-awareness?

  3. Cultural barrier here: could anybody tell me what the humor about the old guy close to a farmer's market is all about? Cheers!

  4. Not funny at all, sorry, some sort of jokes that only hipsters find it funny. and all those fake laughs background just horrible.

  5. Not trying to be a troll here. I’m sure he seems like a decent person. But I have a real respect for stand up and it’s kind of hard to wrap my mind around how this guy got his isn’t own comedy special. He’s radically unfunny. His delivery is flat. He’s redundant. His thoughts aren’t original at all, at least not to a point that he should be considered as a talented comedian. I don’t know why anyone would go to see him perform. He’s just not funny at all. This crowd must laugh at anything and everything… ya know? Ya know? Sorry Shane I wish you the best dude but you are just not funny. Like objectively unfunny. It wouldn’t be a problem had you not found some inexplicable level of success. And your tats are stupid too. Hope you find a way to do better instead of quitting but either way, the material and performance you have now are just not good in any way at all. Seriously.

  6. Someone should have told him that while he was at Walmart – that they sell neck scarfs for a lot cheaper than the cost of all the ink.

  7. Mormons laugh so hard at cheese comedy….. because they never grasped irony in childhood. Utah's idea of culture is hackneyed, scrubbed, inane, hollow. Just like their insides

  8. The only funny thing about this is having tattoos isn't strange and none of this happened. More people have tats than not it seems.

  9. Tatoos are bad dont do them ppl u CAN NOT TAKE THEM OFF EVER UNLESS LASER BURN SKIN THE IRADIATED KINDA LASER AT THAT and i only have one small to medium sized and i messed mi body up if u ask me

  10. Tattoos like that are a big “I refuse to care about participating in society because self expression and look at me and me me me”. I’ve known so many. Always hard work. They want you to hire them but refuse to cover it even when it’s a job where the public or customers see you.

  11. I know a couple gangsters that cried from Toy Story. They play dumb if I bring it up, but I saw. Even if they walk around with the strap ready to pop a cap in somebody, they still got a heart. No matter how much they wanna pretend otherwise.

    Really wish they'd gone down a different life path, tho. Never know if I'll be visiting their homes or their memorials when I visit.

  12. I feel bad for the heavily tatted prison people… they haven’t apparently experienced enough of the lighter side of life.

  13. If u ask me, all employers should hire those with lots of tattoos on.

    If a person can endure hours of deep skin poking in a chair, they can endure anything.

  14. I wished he could see himself in the future! Those tattoos on a wrinkled old man? Some of the most amazing tattoos I've seen are prison tats!

  15. People who usually cover themselves in tats have issues or have been in prison. So no surprise that there are negative reactions. The human body is a Mona Lisa…or as Sebastian Maniscalco says "I don't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari". Our ancestors would have been appalled at people marring their bodies. There are healthier and better ways to express art. God bless~

  16. Tattoos are disgusting. Gee , let me tattoo my face and then be bothered by others reactions . Having NO tattoos, is the NEW tattoo.

  17. As a people who seek to emulate a perfect God, who gave us a sacred, beautiful body, we do not feel tattoos are something that our Lord would ever do, or have us do. If you don't believe in God, that's your right, but at least understand that disliking tattoos is not arbitrary nor irrational from our perspective. They are a mistake, and it is best to avoid mistakes, rather than regretting them later.

  18. DID YOU REALLY EXPECT PEOPLE NOT TO HAVE THAT REACTION ABOUT YOUR TATOOS ? THEY ARE A LITTLE EXTREME , THANK GOD YOU DIDNT DO YOUR WHOLE FACE

  19. For me, he accomplished what he set out to do! I was laughing so much, I was crying! A chihuahua named Maseltoff!! LOL! Then I guess we could guess his religion by his tight jeans. Let's see how may heads that comment went over!! LOL!!!

  20. Oh my gosh do you guys know Aja the drag queen? Why do I see Aja's mouth when he talks. I'm like hypnotized by his mouth when he talks.

  21. I think he does pull off those tatts pretty well, but the neck is super distracting and unfortunately not in a good way.

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