Phelous: Are you all ready for the story of Brave the Husky? Cuz I’m not! And I’m not sure the world is either, considering how ominously orange it is out. ♪ [Dingo’s unfitting techno music] ♪ So pretty much everything about this cover is a lie. There’s no husky named Brave, and the main character isn’t even brown. This is Dingo Pictures’ version of Balto. And that’s exactly the title that pops up during the movie: “Balto”. There’s nothing about “The Adventures of Brave the Husky”. Which is apparently supposed to be “The Brave Husky” according to this DVD when you actually pop it in; It’s just they arranged the text so horribly on their cover, that it reads “Brave the Husky”. I’m glad, though, that on the DVD label, Brown Brave-Balto is chatting himself up. Anyway, this, of course, is a ripoff of the 1995 animated Balto film, that was loosely based on the true story of the husky Balto. And his being a part of the 1925 diphtheria antitoxin serum run to Nome. I don’t know why Dingo didn’t just draw from the real story instead of copying the Universal movie. Oh, wait. Yeah, I do. Because they’re Dingo Pictures. Balto is even colored mostly gray like he was in the ’95 movie, despite the fact that the real Balto was mostly black. Which is a lot closer to the villain from the ’95 movie, and Dingo of course copied that, too. Other copied elements include giving Balto a love interest that he fights with the villain over, and comic relief polar bears that can’t swim. Though they were younger in the Universal one, and in Dingo’s, it’s just one, and it’s Dingo’s usual bear colored white. And he could swim; he just whined about it a lot. (dryer than usual): That’s totally original, I was wrong. Dingo also really showed some restraint, I guess, by not making their Balto a wolf-dog hybrid, and leaving him a full husky as he was in reality. This is also one of the few Dingo Pictures movies to actually open up with their name displayed. Guess they’re really proud of this one. And why shouldn’t they be? I mean, look at that water! For Dingo Pictures, that’s getting really ambitious! Anyway, we start off with something super important: a bunch of penguins. Bet they’d love to get all Tappy Toes on us, but they’re not a part of this actual story. Nor should they even be living in this area. But Dingo’s animal grouping never really makes a lot of sense, does it? [seal barking] You see, the thing with Dingo Pictures is they know how to get you really drawn into their stories right away. And what a shocker that Dingo’s seals are pretty much the same thing as their otters. Truly a shocking reuse of assets. Polar bear: [shivering] I’m so cold! Polar bear: [deep breath] Freeeeezing! Seal (sounding like the judge from Dingo’s Hunchback): You’re crazy! Freezing polar bear. A real polar bear never freezes. Phelous (as Judge Seal): As High Judge Seal, I think I have total authority to tell you whether or not you’re allowed to be cold! Polar bear: I don’t care! Seal: You are quite impossible. Phelous: Oh, yes, these polar bears are just imPOSSible! Polar bear: [more shivering] Phelous: Hope you like the “polar bear is cold” joke, cuz THEY’RE GONNA KEEP DOIN’ IT! Seal: Rubbish! If you don’t like it– here– Go to Sahara! The desert! Phelous (as seal): Maybe you could learn to talk NATURALLY there, because you aren’t around me! Seal: Then there’s no hope for you! Adult-sounding child: You two arguing again? What’s it about this time? Phelous: Uggh! Ugly Kid! Ehhh, I shouldn’t be so judgmental. I’ll give him another sho– No, he’s ugly. And we’re on a reused character roll here, as this disgusting child was also used in Dingo’s Peter and the Wolf. Also, we’re apparently just going with “humans can understand what animals are saying” in this one. Well, they didn’t do that in the ’95 Balto! Dingo definitely based THAT part on the real story. Seal: He’s freezing. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Ugly Kid: If he’s cold, I’ll bring you a scarf tomorrow, and then you won’t freeze so much. Polar bear: A scaaaaaaaAAAAARF? [same line, but slowed down] Phelous (already bored): Man. I am all over this “will the bear get a scarf?” plot line. IS BALTO GONNA SHOW UP ANYTIME SOON?! Seal: No one spoils me. Or do you have some gloves for meee? Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Ugly Kid: But if you wear gloves, you won’t be able to catch any fish! Phelous: Yeah, that’d be the ONLY issue with a seal wearing gloves. Ugly Kid: Do you have any fish for me today? Phelous: Just like in real life, everyone in Nome, Alaska just got seals to do their fishing for them. Seal: Nothing exciting happens here. Phelous (through gritted teeth): You can say THAT again!!! Anyway, kids should always hang out with polar bears. That’s a good idea. They’ll give you Coca-Cola! Polar bear: I also want to fish! I’m hunnnnngry! Seal: Then catch one! Whiny polar bear: But it’s too cold for me out there! [pause so you can look at that ugly mug] And it’s even colder in the water! Then I’ll catch a cold! Phelous: Dingo is really good at creating annoying bear characters. Guess they have THAT going for them. Balto (with the unfittingly evil Black Panther/Frollo voice): Timbu, get your paws off them! Phelous: That’s really the voice they’re going with for Balto? The evil Black Panther voice? (as Black Balto): I don’t have time to go on stupid serum runs when I need to get all the DIAMONDS!!! (normal): And yes, Balto’s girlfriend Judy is just the Balto character model with a little pinkish lining in a couple of spots. Guess we know what Balto sees in her! Glad another thing Dingo seems to be good at is characters falling in love because they’re the same person slightly tweaked. Judy: There are far too many for us. Go on, take some, Timbu. Seal: Just don’t come asking me to catch any more fish for you! [humming that sound a lot like Nelson Muntz’s “HA-ha!”] Phelous: Creepy. Timbu: Nico is bringing me a scarf tomorrow! Phelous: It’s a shame the 1925 serum run really overshadowed the Polar Bear Scarf Run. Balto: It’s unbelievable. [long, awkward pause] Phelous (as Timbu): Oh, I guess I like that. I dunno, I’m stupid. (normal): Mmmmm, yes, THAT seems structurally sound. Not-Steele: [weak growl] I’ve been watching you. Balto: So what? Phelous (as Balto, singing poorly): ♪ I always feel like… somebody’s WATCHing meeeeeee ♪ And if anyone IS going to watch me, I’d want it to be ME! Colored slightly differently. Not-Steele: You are trying to get off with Judy again. Balto was trying to GET OFF with Judy, was he? Probably not the best choice of words for your kids’ film there, Dingo! Balto: Balto, you’re just jealous. Phelous: Wait, WHAT? Did Balto just call the evil dog… BALTO?? Guess they’re so similar, even Balto can’t remember who he is. Not-Steele: HAAAAAH. I’ll show Judy who the smarter and stronger of us is. Phelous (as Not-Steele): By doing this: [anemic “HAAAAAH” looped three times] [both dogs growling] Phelous: Haven’t seen such an epic battle since Lion and the King. Frontiersman obviously voiced by a woman: What real sleigh dogs need is exercise, otherwise, they get up… to no good all the time. [pause] That’s what they do. Phelous: Oh, good! Like Dingo just awkwardly talking rubbish just to fill in the lip flaps! That’s what they do! Mother: Doc, do you have a moment for my Mary? She’s got a fever and complains that her throat aches. Doc: I’ll go and have a look at her. Hmmm, by the way…. If I’m with you anyway, ummm, what’s for dinner? Phelous (as Doc): Maybe we can cook up your daughter, because she’s damn sure not going to survive my rubbish care! Mmmmm, dinnerrr! Mother: Alright, Doc, I get the message. You’re invited. Frontiersman: Hee heh heh heh heh! Phelous: THE ONLY DOCTOR WE HAVE AROUND HERE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT DOING HIS JOB??? THAT’S HILARIOUS!!! Frontiersman: Enjoy your meal. Meeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaal. And you two are gonna come training with me. I have had eNOUGH of your quarreling. [pause again] That’s what I have. Phelous: Wow, the filler dialogue isn’t even trying to make sense anymore. I think the evil dog, Komo, might have jaundice. Then Balto and Komo have a race! Because there was a race in that OTHER animated Balto film! Timbu: I bet that Balto wins! Seal: Me, too! Timbu: I said it first! Phelous: Though the ’95 Balto was missing such brilliant dialogue from a seal and bear, so Dingo-Balto wins. Seal: Heeheeheeheehee! Komo won! Frontiersman: Bravo, Komo. And Balto, you could at least try to be a bit faster. [Balto growls] Wabuu: And that’s when Balto had decided… Komo must diiiieee. Seal: Hoo hoo hoo hoo! You owe me a fish! Timbu: But I saw Komo cheat, right at the first turn! Seal: Rubb-IIIIISH!! Go, go, go! Timbu: Heeeeeeeelp, heeeeeeeeeeeelp! [seal laughs some more] Phelous: You know, most of Dingo’s gags are pretty bad, but I do really hate that bear, so I’ll give this a moment a Q+. Doc: Komo, where are you? Phelous: KOOOO-MEO, WHERE AAAAARE YOOOUUU?? Timbu: Ahhhhh-CHOO!! Ro-o-o-obby threw me in the water! And now I got myself a coOoOoOoOoOoOold! Ah-choo! Phelous: Dingo Pictures was really brave. They took the chance of not giving the majority of their movies a point. Robby: Only because he didn’t want to pay his gambling debts. Phelous (as Judge Robby): For not paying your gambling debts, I sentence this bear to hang. Bearded hobo from Dingo’s Hunchback: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! To the gallows with him! [neck snap] ♪ [WAH-wah-wah-wah! WAHH… Wahh!] ♪ Phelous: Over at Anastasia’s pad, Balto gives us the most riveting bit of dialogue in the movie. [awful attempts at barking obviously done by a human] Sounds just like a dog. How’d they do that? And I thought they looked bad from the SIDE view. Balto: But I promised to go and get fish for Nico. Doc: Balto, do what I tell you now, understand? [Balto growls] [Komo joins in on the growling] Doc: What’s wrong with you two? I want you to stop this fighting in future. Phelous: Then maybe the world can be a better place… in future. Doc: Come in, Matt. Matt: What’s up, Doc? ♪ [Looney Tunes ending theme] ♪ Matt: What’s up, Doc? [audience booing] [blam!]
[audience booing] [audience booing] Phelous: What is with the screaming moose picture? Is that like its last moments before Dr. Eatmore started chowing down on it alive? Doc: It’s diphtheria. Matt: Diphtheria?! That’s deadly dangerous! Phelous: And here I thought Dingo might not handle the diphtheria plot very well, but I was wrong! It’s “DEADLY DANGEROUS”! Doc: You’re right! Jill Valentine: You’re right! Matt: You can treat the children! Phelous (as Doctor Eatmore): I COULD, but what’s for dinner? Wabuu: YOU ARE!!! ♪ [WAH-wah-wah-wah! WAHH… Wahh!] ♪ Green lady: Doc, you must come at once! Phelous (as green lady): Before your piece of a wall completely falls down! Matt: Oh my, it doesn’t look good, Bælto. [rhymes with “gal-toe”] Phelous: Oh, he’s BÆLTO, now? Matt (voice breaking): It’s FOUR hundred kilometers to Anchorage. Phelous (as Matt, complete with cracking voice): And me and my CRACKY voice will NEVER make it there! (normal): Gotta love that Dingo constantly gives female voices to guys that it doesn’t fit at all. Especially character models that they’ve already used, like this old idiot who had a male voice in their Pocahontas. Old idiot with an actually fitting male voice: That proves everything. Matt: It’s 400 kilometers to Anchorage. And even if I had ten of you dogs pulling the sleigh, we’d never make it into the city. Phelous: Guess that’s why in reality, it was a relay between different dog sled teams and not just one, despite what fictional Baltos might tell you. Matt: And when the medicine’s used up, then, what then? Doc: Then the first child will be dead. Phelous: Alright, dead children is real interesting and all, but what about that polar bear and his cold? That’s where we should obviously be focusing! [more terrible half-assed “barks”] Balto’s dumb barking just kinda sounds like early video game grunts, doesn’t it? HUAH! HUAH! HUAH HUAH! Judy: Nice of you to visit us, Balto. Nico is as bored as can be. Balto: Listen… Judy… Nico has a terrible disease. Phelous (as Balto): So that should keep away his boredom. Heh heh heh heeeh….. Judy: Doc was just here and gave Nico his medicine, and he’s feeling much better. Balto: No, Judy. Phelous (as Balto): Nico knows too much. He must diiieee. (normal): Though the idea of someone knowing something in a Dingo movie is a bit far-fetched. [wind blowing] Doc: Please be calm, folks. I still have enough medicinnne. Phelous (as Doc): I mean for their teeth, of course. I’m just a dentist. They’ll be dead soon, but their teeth will be fine. Ugly guy: Yeah, but for how long? Matt must take the sleigh… dogs and go to Anchorage. Phelous: Oh, no one is listening to you, ugly! Doc: Matt says that there’s no way of getting to Anchorage with the sleigh. Matt: But the dooogs could make it alone. They know the way. Phelous: Finally! Something that is historically accurate. Good thing that the dogs in this movie can speak whatever broken language the humans do, otherwise, the plan of “send the dogs alone” might sound slightly silly. I guess Dingo is trying to one-up that other animated Balto, as they only drove the sleigh with the human knocked out. Here, the dogs can go it alone, because Ski Bum Matt is a lazy sack of crap. Clip from Icebreaker: Ski Bum Matt? Green lady: Matt’s right. We have to try. The dogs have got to go to Anchorage. Phelous: When the dogs can speak to you, it’s kind of rude to talk about them like they aren’t there. Or volunteering them to go on a dangerous trip without even asking them. Matt: We’ll have a race, and the two winners have to set off at once. Phelous: The children need medicine quick! Let’s waste time and the dogs’ energy on a RACE! This is clearly the superior Balto film, now! They’ve got TWO pointless races! Though I don’t know what the dogs incentive to win here is. Win, and you can risk your life to save the miserable human-spawn who volun-tell you to go on dangerous missions! (as Barry from Resident Evil): But perhaps the most IMPORTANT part of this race (normal): is the stupid bear and seal watching and making bets. Robby: I bet that Balto wins. Phelous: Glad they didn’t make this seem repetitive or anything! Matt: And three! ♪ [“suspenseful” Dingo music] ♪ Geek from an old Legend of Zelda ad: Awesome! Other geek: Intense. ♪ [“suspenseful” Dingo music overlapping itself] ♪ Matt: Bravo, Bælto. Krang: BAAAAAEEEEELLLL-tooooooooooo. Phelous: This loss makes Komo VERY silently angry. [no sound] Robby: Heeheeheehee! You just don’t seem to have any luck! Off we go swimming, Timbu! Timbu: Heeeeeeeelp, heeeeeeeeeeeelp! Robby: Hee heeheeheehee! Phelous (slurring): That was WAY better the second time! Nico (sounding even older than usual): Judy, you can’t go away. Phelous: Oh, shut up, you thirty-year-old living in a child’s body! Nico: Please, Judy! Balto and Komo can go. Alright, Nico. If you really want me, I stay. Phelous: “If you really want me, I stay.” Touching. Nico: I love you, Judy! Phelous (as Judy): Eeewww! [gunshot blasts] (still as Judy): Bælto, you don’t have to go on the medicine run anymore. (as Evil Bælto): Good, because I was never going to. I was just gonna go look for DIAMONDS!!! [evil laughter] Matt: Komo will go with Balto. We’re depending on you. The lives of the children depend on you. Yes, they do. Phelous: Could you say something about depending on them, again? I’m not sure I got it. That I didn’t. Matt: You have three days to get there and back. You’ll only make it if you don’t rest. Phelous: Three days of running with no rest. That seems likely. Good thing you wasted no time putting this nonsense plan into action! I’d almost say that Matt WANTED the children to die. Matt: You have to run all the way. Audio from Icebreaker: This is just great, Ski Bum Matt. Balto: We’re sure to make it. Phelous: No, Balto. Given that scenario, it’s the opposite of that. Matt: You’re our only hope. Phelous (as Doc): No, there is another. Just kidding! [laughter] Those children are dead! [more inappropriate laughter] Timbu: Will they make it? Robby: Do you want to bet? Phelous: [chuckling madly] [muffled screaming] ♪ [Dingo’s jungle-y music] ♪ [–which abruptly stops] Sega Rally music: ♪ Game Over– ♪ Clearin (the “Big Green” version of Krillin): YEAH!!! Phelous: While Balto and Komo jump the Springfield Gorge, something REALLY important happens: a moose watches them. [Balto’s “voice actor” doing an extremely horrid rendition of a moose call] Then shortly after, the One-Eye wolf tries to hunt it AND DIIIIIIES! Nico: Judy, Judy, must I die? Judy: No, Nico. Phelous: But thou must. Die, DIE, DIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! [clears throat] Yes, thou must. Nico: Must I die? Earlier clip of Balto: Nico must die. Phelous: I’m pretty sure he’s already dead, though, as his neck’s been snapped, and his body seems to have been eaten by the background. Nico: What Bælto says says he’ll bring my medicine, then I believe it truly that he’ll come. [yet another pause] Yea-uh? Sega Rally music: ♪ Game Over– ♪ Nico: Yea-uh? Matt: How are the children? Doc: I’ve just come from Nico. He’s not recognizable. Phelous: Why? Because you ate his body? Komo: Do we really have to run all night? Balto: Matt said we’re not allowed to sleep. Otherwise, Nico will die. Phelous (as Komo): Alright, let’s take a nap, then. [long gap of silence] [wolf howling] Phelous: Oh, the wolves remembered to unmute their howls after the first one. Then we get an AMAZING action scene with a new Dingo track! They really broke the budget on this one! ♪ [brand new Dingo chase music] ♪ [Super Mario Bros. jumping sounds] ♪ [chase music continues] ♪ Phelous: WHOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAA!!!!! This Dingo movie should’ve been in THEATERS!!! This is also one of Komo’s best moments, as he phases out of existence for a second. Komo: I– I can’t go on. Balto: Maybe we should have a rest after all. [flatline] Komo: Over– over there. Phelous: Perfe– Perfect take. And thus the dogs same-animation over to the cave, which turns into just being beside a cliffside, where they turn into background turds. And Anchorage was just on the other side of where they slept! Agh! If only they had not rested like Ski Bum Matt said, they could have (as Skeletor): saved the children! (normal): Oh, just kidding. They’ll still make it. Matt is just an ass and didn’t want them to rest. [dog barking] What is wrong with this stupid dog? Why wouldn’t he just talk to them? I find it hard to believe that there are animals dumber than the bear and seal in the Dingo-Balto-verse! Komo: Bæltwo… what i– Ba– What is it? Phelous: Looks like Komo’s been dipping into Wabuu’s booze. If he had waited, he could’ve just gone to the bar and not enraged that murderous raccoon. Maybe they can make enough collecting the $1,000 bounty on Beardy McButtHat to escape him. Komo: No one’s here yet. What’ll we do? Balto: We’ll wait. Dr. Frollo: This is impossible! These are the sleigh dogs of Matt Spencer! Phelous: Who DOESN’T know the sleigh dogs of MATT SPENCER??? (as Dr. Frollo): Perhaps I’ll adopt these dogs and take them with me! Nurse: Look here. Dr. Frollo (reading): “Emergency. We have a diphtheria epidemic in Nome.” Phelous: Why did they need a note when the dogs can talk? Anyway, they get the medicine and take off before Dr. Frollo gets eaten by his giant nurse. Komo: Balto, we can’t go on like this. Phelous: Because this snow effect is awful! I mean, there’s garbage areas sometimes at the edge of the screen, but THIS is ridiculous! Balto: [sigh] We have to take a break. Phelous: Cool, another break. Can Nico be dead now? Matt: If this damn storm would just let up! Phelous: Ehhh, that’s not quite as good as… Marie from Nice Cats: I can’t find my damn hairbrush! Matt: If there was only something I could do! Phelous (as Matt): I’ve tried nothing, and I’m all out of ideas! Reused audio from Icebreaker: This is just great, Ski Bum Matt. Doc: Matt, I need the medicine by tonight at the latest, or it’ll be too late for those kids. Phelous (as Doc): I don’t want to eat children full of diphtheria! Green lady: Nico is very, very bad. I think he’s dying. Phelous: FINALLY!!!!! [moose noise that actually sounds more like a moose this time] Ahhh, the moose saga continues! I was SO worried we wouldn’t follow up on the pointless moose by the gorge! Komo: We won’t make it in time anyway. The children are probably dead anyway. Phelous: Well, at least Komo’s looking on the bright side. Anyway, Komo is really tired, but they’ve made it to the gorge, so only good things can come of this! Scar from The Lion King: Long live the king. Komo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Phelous: Guess that’s why Balto got all the credit for the serum run in this universe: he killed off his competition. [yell ends] Balto: Oh! KOMO! Black Panther: He’s too stupid. Phelous: This was all because of THAT moose! And I’m also sure that they did this because over in that other Balto-verse, the evil black husky, Steele, was also sent off a cliff. But THERE, he got back up and was okay, and Dingo ain’t soft like that! Wabuu: Komo is DEEEEEEEAD!!! Timbu: I have just sworn that… if the children get well again, I’ll catch each one of them as much fish as they want! Phelous (bored): Oh. I can’t wait for this to lead to the seal pushing the bear into the water again. Robby: Eeeh, you won’t have to. Timbu: Why not? Robby: Because, soon, there won’t be any children left here! Phelous (as Robby): I bet they’ll all die! HOO HOO! I’m such an ass! Timbu: Here, Judy. I caught it myself. It’s for Nico. Judy: Oh, Timbu, it’s really sweet of you, but that won’t help me go anymore. Timbu: Is heeeeeeeeeeee dead? Jody: No. Phelous (as Judy): But he might as well be. He has no future. Balto: I must rest. Random rabbit: If you rest now, you’ll fall asleep and die! Get UP!! And… JUMP! Phelous: Thank you, suddenly-part-of-the-plot knockoff-Thumper! Who are you??? Anyway, thanks to Bastard Bunny’s ever so helpful encouragement, Balto leaps the gorge. Balto: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! ♪ [cheap MIDI credits music] ♪ Doc: It’s too late, Matt. Balto and Komo won’t get back in time. Phelous (as Doc): Let’s face it, dinner is ruined. I’ll just have to steal their teeth and run. I’m the dumbest dentist ever! Matt: These two won’t give up. They are somewhere nearby. I feel it very strongly. Phelous: Ski Bum Matt has a very high midi-chlorian count. Which explains why he’s so wrong, since Komo is dead! Also, Matt is gonna die too, since a dentist can’t treat midi-chlorians. Matt: I’m going to take sleigh out and drive out and towards them as far as I can. Doc: It’s too late. Phelous (as Matt): But I’ll see you in HELL! Matt: Go! Go look for Balto! Phelous: Why’d they only send TWO dogs to do the run? Timbu: Ooh! Go away! Go away! Phelous: Luckily for BÆLTO, the three-armed Matt arrives just in time to save them from the bear! [gunshot] [gory squish] ♪ [high-pitched and sped-up WAH-wah-wah-wah! WAHH… Wahh!] ♪ Matt: Balto! Timbu: I saved you from the wolves! Phelous: NO YOU DID NOT. Timbu: Is he dead? Matt: I don’t know. ♪ [extremely unfitting doofy Dingo music] ♪ Phelous: Really amping up the tension here. Matt: Hey, Doc! Here’s the medication! [silent laughter] Phelous: HAHA! He’s getting the medicine late! Some of the kids are no doubt dead by now! Really hilarious, SEAL! Matt: Help! Carry blankets inside! Maybe we can still save him! Timbu: And what about me? Phelous (as Matt): Oh yeah! We can’t forget about you, selfish bear! [return of the three-armed gunshot] Red Bear (or Red Bay-uh, rather): Hey! He’s not Selfish Bay-uh! I’M Selfish Bay-uh! [yet another gunshot] That was quite uncalled for. Now, I’m Holey Bay-uh! Doc: Thank God. The children are all going to pull through. Phelous (as Doc): But my piece of wall isn’t. It’s all I have left of my house. Doc: Where is Komo? Is he alive? ♪ [“sad” MIDI music] ♪ Matt: Sorry, Doc. Komo was really a good dog. Phelous: Balto going back to sleep signified Komo was dead, did it? Welp! That’s a great way to end things! (dopey voice): Wait, we can’t be done quite yet! There’s still more hilarity to milk out of the seal/bear duo! Timbu (for the THIRD DAMN TIME!): Timbu: Heeeeeeeelp, heeeeeeeeeeeelp! [urge to kill… rising…..] Phelous: DAA– And that’s how we actually end this. We don’t see any of the children getting well, it’s just “Komo is dead, and the bear falls into the water and dies, too.” The end! Dingo really outdid themselves on this one! Anyway, I’m gonna talk to the most important character from Dingo Pictures’ Balto: the moose! Moose! Tell us about the behind-the-scenes making of this movie. [moose noise] [moose noise again] Why doesn’t the moose talk? I thought all animals talked. Wabuu: Because the moose is SOOOOOOO stupid! [Oh! He SAID it!] Phelous: [sigh] Really walked into THAT one. [offscreen yelling] WHAT THE–?! [crash!] ♪ [“Oh Phelous (Spectre version)”] ♪ ♪ I don’t like this movie ♪ ♪ Doesn’t seem too friendly ♪ ♪ These monsters seem so fake ♪ ♪ My nerves, they’re gonna bre-ee-eak ♪ ♪ Phelous, don’t let me down ♪ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪ You need to be aaa-round ♪ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪ Grab that running 1-up ♪ ♪ And blast that scene a new one ♪♪ ♪ [song concludes] ♪ In conclusion: this Dingo movie wasn’t that good. THERE’S a shocker.