Family people in tonight, who’s got children?
Around of applause if you’ve got children. There are basics that you have to do every
single day when raising children and these are: feeding them, you have to feed them.
This is probably news to nobody. You have to feed them, you have to dress them, you
got to wash them and you have to put them to bed. You have to do these four things every
single day. Now, every single day, each one of these things is a battle. They are reluctant
to do these things and you are forced every day to compromise on each of them. I don’t
know why they resist these basic things, every day is a battle. Just getting dressed, they
will not get dressed. Put your clothes on, put your pants on. They refuse to wear pants,
“I don’t like pants, dere uncomfortable, I don’t like pants.”. Put your jumper on, “I’m
boiling, I’m boiling” (They’re always boiling) “I’m boiling”. Yes that because I’ve heated
the inside of the house, but what I haven’t done is heated the rest of the world. So you
will need it when you get outside – “Can I just take it?”. So you just compromise, “Alright,
fine! Just take it.” Do your laces, “can I do it in the car?”, “FINE! Do it in the car!”.
Where’s your bag? Where’s your other shoe? They spring things on you at the last minute.
The other day, we were going to school. We’re nearly out the door. My son was quite well.
He has his pants on, his jumper on, he’s holding his coat, he’s got his bag. We’re nearly out
of the door and he just looks at me and says “Dad, it’s Roman day”. What’s Roman day? “Everybody
has to go to school dressed up as something from the Roman Empire.” We’re supposed to
be at school in six minutes, what exactly did you expect me todo at this point? Oh yes!
When I was nine, I was a centurian, I think I still have my centurian armour here in the
cupboard. Let’s not drive this morning, I’ve been hiding my horse and cariot in the garage.
We’ll arrive in style! Feeding. They will eat, children will eat rubbish, garbage okay?
They eat chocolate and sweets and ice-cream till they’re sick. But what they won’t eat
is things that are good for them. Everyday we try to get them to eat vegetables, fruit,
things that are good for them. We aim very high my wife and I every single meal time.
“Alright tonight, there will be no ice-cream children unless you have all your peas, all
your broccoli and all your carrots.”. “But dad please it’s disgusting, please don’t make
me eat that! Please it’s just disgusting, please dad, you can’t force us! You can’t
force us! It’s disgusting!”. “Alright! Fine! I just want you to eat one carrot, five peas
and this flurret of broccoli.”. “But dad it’s disgusting! Please don’t make me eat that!
Please, you can’t force me! I hate it! I hate it!”. “Alright!! Fine!! Just stick out your
tougue and let me wipe the broccoli across your face.”. “And then can I have ice-cream?”.
“Yes…” Washing everyday, run the bath, get in the bath, have you washed. Have you brushed
your teeth? They lie to you, they lie to my face every single day. “Have you brushed your
teeth?”. “Yes.”. “Okay, then breath on me.”. I have to get this jet of disgusting *exhale*
*disgust*. “You haven’t brushed your teeth, have you?”. “No I haven’t daddy”. “Then why
didn’t you say that!”. The laziness. Ah and flush the-… You know… before I had children,
I used to dream of what it would be like. My wife always discussed it – I’d like to
have children, it’s gonna be amazing! You’ll be such an amazing mum. I used to dream of
adilic rosey cheek beautiful children in dunjeress, running in fields , picking flowers. “Can
we have our picnic now? Can we have our picnic?” How did that fantasy become me, almost on
a nightly basis, standing over the toilet, going “Who’s poo is this!? Lucas! Is that
your poo?” He puts on this whole facite, he actually comes over and looks in the loo,
“No that’s not my poo.”. “So Ozzie, it’s your poo!”. “Dad, that’s definetly not my poo!”.
“Darling-?”. “Don’t you even!”. Oh, hair wash night. I don’t know how much your supposed
to wash your children’s hair, but I’ve got it down to about once a fortnight now because
of the drama. “*weeping manner* Oh daddy hair wash night! No daddy please can we do it tomorrow?
It’s going to go in my eyes! It’s going to go in my eyes!!” Put your head back, you have
to hold the flannel. They shake “It’s going to go in my eyes! I don’t like daddy!” Got
forbid the shampoo actually goes a little bit in their eye. “AHHHH! I need a towel!
I need a towel!! Ahh! *struggling* *angry manner* Why would you do that to me?!”. For
god sakes, I’m just trying to wash your hair. Bed time, oh, it’s bed time, go to bed. Can
I have a story? The last thing you want to do at the end of the day of battles, is read
a non-sense, stupid story. I don’t know if you do this, but I’ll scan the bookshelf for
the shortest book that we own. My son is always like “Can we read the hobbit?”. “No! I thought
we could read this leaflet that came through the door. It’s for a local pizza shop. Now
good night *kiss*”. This is what it is like, it is a battle, and daily battle, every single
day to do the basics. There isn’t a child on Earth who has never battled these things.
There’s no kid in the history of children who’s ever just gone, “Mum, dad, listen. I’m
exhausted tonight. I’m just going to head up to bed I think. I managed to squeeze a
shower earlier, mum, while you were cooking that amazing dinner. I don’t know what you
did with the broccoli. Was there something different? Because for me, it could of been
a meal all on to it self, magnificent! And I didn’t tell you guys it’s Roman day tomorrow
because I wanted to surprise you with the outfit that I’ve made. You’re gonna love it!
I’ll see by the door at about five to eight in my shoes and pants, and I’m going to wear
my coat because you never know really, it is quite chilly . And oh, *exhale*, minty
fresh.” Well that’s never going to happen. That’s the fantasy, that’s a fantasy.