|| Battles of Parenting || Michael McIntyre Big Show! S3E4

|| Battles of Parenting || Michael McIntyre Big Show! S3E4

Family people in tonight, who’s got children?
Around of applause if you’ve got children. There are basics that you have to do every
single day when raising children and these are: feeding them, you have to feed them.
This is probably news to nobody. You have to feed them, you have to dress them, you
got to wash them and you have to put them to bed. You have to do these four things every
single day. Now, every single day, each one of these things is a battle. They are reluctant
to do these things and you are forced every day to compromise on each of them. I don’t
know why they resist these basic things, every day is a battle. Just getting dressed, they
will not get dressed. Put your clothes on, put your pants on. They refuse to wear pants,
“I don’t like pants, dere uncomfortable, I don’t like pants.”. Put your jumper on, “I’m
boiling, I’m boiling” (They’re always boiling) “I’m boiling”. Yes that because I’ve heated
the inside of the house, but what I haven’t done is heated the rest of the world. So you
will need it when you get outside – “Can I just take it?”. So you just compromise, “Alright,
fine! Just take it.” Do your laces, “can I do it in the car?”, “FINE! Do it in the car!”.
Where’s your bag? Where’s your other shoe? They spring things on you at the last minute.
The other day, we were going to school. We’re nearly out the door. My son was quite well.
He has his pants on, his jumper on, he’s holding his coat, he’s got his bag. We’re nearly out
of the door and he just looks at me and says “Dad, it’s Roman day”. What’s Roman day? “Everybody
has to go to school dressed up as something from the Roman Empire.” We’re supposed to
be at school in six minutes, what exactly did you expect me todo at this point? Oh yes!
When I was nine, I was a centurian, I think I still have my centurian armour here in the
cupboard. Let’s not drive this morning, I’ve been hiding my horse and cariot in the garage.
We’ll arrive in style! Feeding. They will eat, children will eat rubbish, garbage okay?
They eat chocolate and sweets and ice-cream till they’re sick. But what they won’t eat
is things that are good for them. Everyday we try to get them to eat vegetables, fruit,
things that are good for them. We aim very high my wife and I every single meal time.
“Alright tonight, there will be no ice-cream children unless you have all your peas, all
your broccoli and all your carrots.”. “But dad please it’s disgusting, please don’t make
me eat that! Please it’s just disgusting, please dad, you can’t force us! You can’t
force us! It’s disgusting!”. “Alright! Fine! I just want you to eat one carrot, five peas
and this flurret of broccoli.”. “But dad it’s disgusting! Please don’t make me eat that!
Please, you can’t force me! I hate it! I hate it!”. “Alright!! Fine!! Just stick out your
tougue and let me wipe the broccoli across your face.”. “And then can I have ice-cream?”.
“Yes…” Washing everyday, run the bath, get in the bath, have you washed. Have you brushed
your teeth? They lie to you, they lie to my face every single day. “Have you brushed your
teeth?”. “Yes.”. “Okay, then breath on me.”. I have to get this jet of disgusting *exhale*
*disgust*. “You haven’t brushed your teeth, have you?”. “No I haven’t daddy”. “Then why
didn’t you say that!”. The laziness. Ah and flush the-… You know… before I had children,
I used to dream of what it would be like. My wife always discussed it – I’d like to
have children, it’s gonna be amazing! You’ll be such an amazing mum. I used to dream of
adilic rosey cheek beautiful children in dunjeress, running in fields , picking flowers. “Can
we have our picnic now? Can we have our picnic?” How did that fantasy become me, almost on
a nightly basis, standing over the toilet, going “Who’s poo is this!? Lucas! Is that
your poo?” He puts on this whole facite, he actually comes over and looks in the loo,
“No that’s not my poo.”. “So Ozzie, it’s your poo!”. “Dad, that’s definetly not my poo!”.
“Darling-?”. “Don’t you even!”. Oh, hair wash night. I don’t know how much your supposed
to wash your children’s hair, but I’ve got it down to about once a fortnight now because
of the drama. “*weeping manner* Oh daddy hair wash night! No daddy please can we do it tomorrow?
It’s going to go in my eyes! It’s going to go in my eyes!!” Put your head back, you have
to hold the flannel. They shake “It’s going to go in my eyes! I don’t like daddy!” Got
forbid the shampoo actually goes a little bit in their eye. “AHHHH! I need a towel!
I need a towel!! Ahh! *struggling* *angry manner* Why would you do that to me?!”. For
god sakes, I’m just trying to wash your hair. Bed time, oh, it’s bed time, go to bed. Can
I have a story? The last thing you want to do at the end of the day of battles, is read
a non-sense, stupid story. I don’t know if you do this, but I’ll scan the bookshelf for
the shortest book that we own. My son is always like “Can we read the hobbit?”. “No! I thought
we could read this leaflet that came through the door. It’s for a local pizza shop. Now
good night *kiss*”. This is what it is like, it is a battle, and daily battle, every single
day to do the basics. There isn’t a child on Earth who has never battled these things.
There’s no kid in the history of children who’s ever just gone, “Mum, dad, listen. I’m
exhausted tonight. I’m just going to head up to bed I think. I managed to squeeze a
shower earlier, mum, while you were cooking that amazing dinner. I don’t know what you
did with the broccoli. Was there something different? Because for me, it could of been
a meal all on to it self, magnificent! And I didn’t tell you guys it’s Roman day tomorrow
because I wanted to surprise you with the outfit that I’ve made. You’re gonna love it!
I’ll see by the door at about five to eight in my shoes and pants, and I’m going to wear
my coat because you never know really, it is quite chilly . And oh, *exhale*, minty
fresh.” Well that’s never going to happen. That’s the fantasy, that’s a fantasy.

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  1. Kids do not ever want to hear or listen to a word that comes out of your mouth…until bedtime. And occasionally at random times in the middle of the night.

  2. 3:00 sooo true! ok, now hold it. now, smell it. now lick it. now taste it. now chew it. now swallow. that's what i had to do.

  3. Like idk what people be thinking when they think that their kids are going to be perfect like did you ever have younger siblings or younger cousin or some shit cause when you know what they are like then youโ€™ll know why youโ€™re own kids will be like

  4. 2:25
    you won't eat? alright, STARVE!
    that's what my parents did. no veg? go to bed. we don't care. you're going to have to learn the hard way.

  5. Notice all the comments like โ€œmy cousins kids/friends kids/niece & nephew go to bed by themselves/ eat veggies no worriesโ€ etc etc….none of them are the actual parents ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ yeah kids are easy when you have them for a few hours DONT BE FOOLED ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  6. I'm teaching in Japan right now.
    The kids dress themselves.
    Come to school early in the morning for school cleaning time, including toilet cleaning.
    Serve and clean up after eating the school lunch provided, (which always consists of a multitude of vegetables that no kid in the UK would even lick let alone eat).
    They clean there teeth during the schools teeth cleaning time after lunch and then clean their classrooms ready for afternoon classes.
    And they actually take care of their younger siblings instead of arguing with them.
    It is truly amazing!!

  7. -Can we read the Hobbit?
    I thought we could read this leaflet that came through the door.Itโ€™s for a local pizzeria,… Oh look, thereโ€™s a deal on, now good night, daddy loves you

  8. I was a child who didn't battle these things. People were constantly asking my mum how my sister and I were so well behaved.

  9. Iโ€™m still a child
    The bit at the end we do that

    On Fatherโ€™s Day
    Or Motherโ€™s Day

    Or when we want something we know we canโ€™t have ๐Ÿค—

  10. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ so bloody funny!!!thank you Mike !!you're amazing!!!!

  11. This makes me want to renew my birth control pills before they are done and slap my boyfriend for each time he said let's risk it.

  12. So relatable..having to ask "Whose poo is this? or "Who pood & didn't flush the toilet? ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜… 0.O

  13. Then, imagine working in holiday resorts/centers, having to manage this with TWELVE KIDS only for your lucky self, supposed to be available 24/24 7/7 and paid for 8h ? You know, that's when they learn to obey ๐Ÿ˜‡

  14. Hair washing is so relatable even now being 15 I get shampoo in my eyes and I'm screaming my head off and I've got my eyes shut trying to find my towel ๐Ÿ˜‚

  15. Actually I was the kind of child that went "I'm tired I want to sleep" and then actually went

    Oh how my parents must have missed those days when I got older…

  16. 2:01 – 2:15 I'm 21 and this is still me

    My most eaten thing since I got to uni has been smiley potato stars, and I don't think I've drank water or eaten veg since I've been here

  17. I have a two year old granddaughter, she gets her stuffy and heads to bed a six. It's kinda scary, I'm afraid the spell might break. Then what

  18. The way I'd do it with the vegetables would go like this:
    Me: You need to eat your vegetables or there will be no dessert.
    Them: It's disgusting, you can't force us, I hate it!
    Me: Alright, fine, you don't have to eat it.
    Them: Can we have dessert now?

    Me: Nope, you didn't eat your vegetables.
    The way I see it, you can't force them to eat it, but if they don't, it's their loss.

  19. I bathed my son twice a day when he was a baby and toddler and once a day after that, but hairwashing night was the night I was sure the neighbours were going to call 911 and the cops and Social Services would be at my door for what sounded like the murder of my child. He would wail and holler and cry. That was the only time he ever made any noise. I still have nightmares about it, and heโ€™s 21 and 6โ€™2โ€ now, lol. Michael McIntyre is absolutely hilarious.

  20. cant stop laughing ….๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜‚

  21. I did all of these as a kid – except before age 11 I think, I actually asked to go to bed because I was tired, I never fought going to sleep lol

  22. Children lost their survival instincts with the absence of hunger or the incertainty of their parents providing the next meal… i can t imagin children living in a country of war or famine having such behaviors.. i dunno

  23. That was indeed hilarious, but it honestly sounds to me like he's over-spoiling his children.

    The way I was brought up, "You don't like your food? Then too bad, you either eat it or you get no food."

  24. One of my earliest memories is of my mother washing my hair. I am writhing and twisting on the counter next to the kitchen sink, and I recall my mother exclaiming, "I am not trying to drown you!!!!"

  25. I was brought up with eat it or go hungry so when it came to veg n fruit I had a choice 99% of the time it was eat it

  26. I think heโ€™s funny in general, but he continues to highlight the lazy parenting I see today. As a parent in my 40s raising 5 girls aged from 10 to 29 (3 step kids), we do not have these issues as we are the parents. Itโ€™s not a democracy in our house, itโ€™s a dictatorship. So unlike my friends who want to be friends with their kids, we do not have their struggles โ€ฆ no arguing. My eldest who now has a 2 yr old, used to think I was too strict โ€ฆ until the last 12 months, lol.

  27. no hair wash ? … threaten to cut all off … or do not enter into talk AT ALL when approaching and doing these tasks …from day one ….

  28. In elementary school one of the only things Iโ€™d eat from the cafeteria lunch was raw broccoli and ranch as well as other sides and my favorite foods included and still include a lot of veggies

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