Let’s kick it off
with some great news. 2020 hopeful Bernie Sanders
says he’s feeling good after heart surgery. The Vermont senator canceling
several campaign events after the treatment
for a blocked artery. Sanders is using the opportunity to push his health care plan
tweeting, “None of us know when a medical
emergency might affect us, “and no one should fear
going bankrupt if it occurs. Medicare for all.” Bernie! Bernie!
-(cheers and applause) Oh, man.
I am so happy. And I’m so glad that Bernie
is still, like, in the mix. This is what I love about him;
he’s consistent. Most people wouldn’t think
about other people and their policies in a crisis,
but Bernie just uses it as an opportunity to reinforce
his beliefs, right? The dude has
a sudden heart procedure and then his first statement is, (mimics Sanders): “This is why
America needs health care.” (normal voice): I love that.
Like, I feel like if Bernie was kidnapped by the Joker,
he’d be like, (mimics Sanders): “This is why we need better
mental health care in Gotham. These psychopathic clowns,
they need our help.” (normal voice): But, yeah,
Bernie needed a procedure to unclog an artery, uh,
in his heart, and, uh, it looks like
he’s recovering well. I’m really excited, and I
thought it was really sweet that many of his presidential
candidate opponents sent him well wishes. What was even sweeter is that
when Bernie received the wishes, he equally redistributed them amongst the people
in the hospital. He was like, (mimics Sanders):
“You get the one from Kamala, you get the one…” (normal voice): Like, it must be
hard to operate on Bernie. No one thinks about that,
you know, ’cause he, like, solidly
believes what he believes. I bet, like,
in the middle of surgery, he just woke up and he was like,
(mimics Sanders): “Why does the doctor make so
much more than the nurse? They work just as hard.
They work…” (normal voice): And it’s just
like, “Ah, pull the plug.” They’re like, “There is no plug” (mimics Sanders):
“Don’t try and silence me.” (normal voice):
Anyway, we’re really happy that Bernie is getting better. And, uh, I’m not gonna lie,
you know I blame for this happening
in the first place? Iowa.
That’s who I blame. Yeah. Stop making candidates eat
that shit. No more fried hot dogs. From now on, only fried salads.