Brexit: deal or no deal? German political comedy “heute show” (English subtitles)

Brexit: deal or no deal? German political comedy “heute show” (English subtitles)


And now we turn to a classic Edgar Wallace shocker, The braindead zombies of London. This week, we all got a bit closer to a no deal Brexit. Unfortunately. For the umpteenth time, the British House of Commons
failed to find a way out of this dead end. Some are still hoping for a second referendum but…
what would that achieve? “Some people want Brexit, some don’t, you know, it was a 50-50 split. And say if there was to be another vote, then it will go 50-50 the other way.” Could well be. You could also say that Theresa May is leading nil-nil. In any case, the Commons want to prevent a no deal Brexit. So they say. At the same time, MPs are demanding new negotiations, something the EU has refused ten thousand times. Dear Brits, how can I explain it to you…
these two resolutions are mutually exclusive, like… oh, I don’t know… Ryanair and legroom. It just won’t stick. Sure, the Ireland question is complex,
but the so-called “backstop” was May’s own suggestion. You have to ask, what are they doing in Parliament the entire time? Here are the highlights from Tuesday. Guys! It’s like something you’d see in a primary school. THIS is what a real debating culture looks like.
Not like our benzodiazepine Bundestag. Sadly, the English have no idea themselves of how it ought to work. So NOT remaining in the customs union, but no border controls between Ireland and Northern Ireland. Not a clue. And THAT’s something for the poor old EU to sort out. It’s almost like… … brexual harassment, but seriously now. Yes, you see, in one go they are turning THEIR problems into ours. “The Germans and the EU wanted us to sign up to something that would put Northern Ireland at risk of being separated from the rest of the United Kingdom. I wonder whether German politicians would accept part of Germany being administered in a different way to the rest.” Yessssss! Which bit do you want? Bavaria, Saxony, take what you like. We don’t give a shit. Aha. An audience full of separatists, I get it. At the same time, ever greater numbers of companies are withdrawing capital from Great Britain. In Trump language, the English are taking the best path to becoming, excuse me, a shithole country. Yes. Sorry. Yes. According to the latest figures, the British car industry, for example, totally collapsed in the last year. And here’s my favourite bit of news from this week: McDonalds, the company McDonalds, has announced that in the case of a no deal Brexit, the quality of their products would be at risk. And that’s not all. “Viagra, as far as the eye can see. This British online pharmacy is preparing for the worst. Many in this country have started stockpiling, fearing a hard Brexit.” Makes sense. I mean… Hard Brexit without Viagra… difficult. I think they might take away our Grimme Prize for that one. So. And at the same time, May’s government has so much else to do, so many real problems. According to a UN report, millions of British children live in poverty. And the English working poor are growing in number. Such a thing would be unthinkable in Germany, ahem… Oh, ladies and gentlemen, I’m hearing right now that there may be some breaking news about the endless Brexit crisis. And to be precise, something is going on on the French side of the Eurotunnel. Reporting live on location for us in Calais is our colleague, Birte Schneider. Frau Schneider, what is going on right now? That I can tell you: the EU is finally walling up the damned Eurotunnel. It’s finished, over, go home. Come again? Yes, yes, they’re walling it up, we are getting on with things, because that lot seem unable to get shit done on their soggy island. It’s like in the poem, a basket of roses, a kiss in the hay, go fuck yourselves, let’s call it a day. Sure, unfortunately it’s not quite finished yet, we’re getting more and more British refugees… very difficult to integrate. At the same time, a few Africans still want to go to England. Don’t go there, it’s shit! Now, for me, Frau Schneider, that’s a bit too much Brit-bashing. Oh, I just can’t hear it any more. Even the word “Brexit” brings me out in hives. Brexit… it sounds like cat food from Lidl. Over a year of negotiations and they want to talk about Ireland AGAIN. We don’t want to talk about Ireland again! NO! NEVER EVER! Oh look, Granny Buckingham is also making a run for it. Sure. Sure, three hot meals a day aren’t something to be sniffed at. Over there, they’re already starting to horde food. Hey! If you’re hungry, you can always grill your After Eights! OK, so some sort of deal would be important for both sides, then. No, Welke, enough! “We don’t want a customs union but we want something like a customs union.” Man, English people, you can still stay in the EU and be an egotistical arsehole: just like we do! No country has as many current breach of contract procedures against it as us. We didn’t agree our brainless energy revolution with any other European country in advance. We shit all over EU regulations when we feel like it. THAT is the German solution: take the marital vows but keep the free entry to the swinger’s club. Take a leaf out of our book. There can you cut up a piece from. Just so. We do it right, of course. You can learn a lot from us Frau Schneider! Frau Schneider: How about… Brexit being postponed. Rubbish. Tomorrow we’re sealing it up. So? How was it? I told you so. Birte Schneider, ladies and gentleman. Thank you. Well then, how can we bring these Brits to their senses? Probably, the EU’s secret weapon can help. Our Budget Commissioner, Günther “don’t fuck with my backstop” Oettinger. If he can’t do it, no-one can. Köster meets Oettinger OK, I’ll be a Brit and you try to persuade me to stay in the EU. Do it properly, with feeling. Please have a sensible Brexit. In the Commons, in public, because the chaos would hurt you massively and also do us great damage. Should I react like a normal Brit now? As you like. Fuck off! Good. In a pub in Stuttgart, Dortmund you can also hear swear words, “kiss my ass” or, “leave me alone”. Could we do it like this: you get Brexit out of the way, then the EU joins Great Britain? The Brits want out, they want to get away from us. So I think the idea is not really likely. I believe instead that in fifteen years a new generation of Brits will re-enter the EU. Are we Germans perhaps also against Brexit because we know how expensive some reunifications can be? No, we Germans, I believe, the majority, wish that the Brits had stayed. And we love watching the weddings. No, not me. Not you? You maybe. We have to accept, in a democracy, that the majority decided in a referendum to leave. Good, you can also make a free choice to smash your head into the wall. Yes, but experience makes you smarter. If you’re three and you touch the hob when it’s hot, you don’t do it again. Yes. As it seems likely that the Brits will leave the EU, I would like to finish the last interview with you in English. Well, I speak very good English, but it’d be stupid to talk it with you now. I am very bad at English, so I am very happy that you are so good at it. I speak it very well, yes. But I don’t want to speak English here on television, here on German television. We’re also on YouTube quite a lot. Good for you. What tip would you give to Theresa May? Not my job. I respect her. She dances too. That’s her affair. I also dance. What sort of dance? Viennese waltzes, foxtrot and rock’n’roll. And on that note, back to the studio. Günther Oettinger and Fabian Köster, ladies and gentleman.

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  1. Sorry we are behaving like such incompetent dicks. It's because most of our politicians are incompetent dicks. It'll soon be overturned with the new 50-50 victory. 🙂

  2. WTF, 2% more for Brexit. Why, if T.May can repeatedly ask parliament to vote again and again for her plan, why not simply ask the public once-again by referendum? Check the ratios accept-recline with public's leave-stay! Brexit can be "kipped"!

  3. Eine Ganze Volkswirtschaft bestrafen zu wollen nur ,diese raus möchte zeigt nur das Dreckige Gesicht dieser EU.

    Die Irland Frage hätte man klären können mit einer Sonderregel schließlich liegt Irland auf der Insel.

    Aber nein Machtspielchen um jeden Preis.

    Die EU ist kein Friedensprojekt mehr.

  4. @Moordown27. YOU DO REALLY NEED TO GET NEW INTELLIGENT SCRIPTWRITERS FOR THIS SHOW, YOU NEED TO GET NEW PRODUCERS. AND YOU NEEED TO GET A NEW INTELLIGENT AUDIENCE. THERE MUST BE MORE INTELLIGENT PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE OF GERMANY, IT'S A BIG PLACE. IF YOU CAN'T FIND SUITABLE INTELLIGENT REPLACEMENTS, ASK THE UK TO HELP OUT. WE HAVE LOADS OF INTELLIGENT PEOPLE OVER HERE.

  5. It's fine to have a good laugh at us because I get it.  Brexit is a complete clusterfuck, and being negotiated by a government, and especially parliament, which is very pro remain.  We have yet another vote this afternoon which, again, is being predicted as the last chance for Brexit.  We will probably end up staying because the population is sick to the back teeth of everything and just want it to be finished  We are especially sick and tired of the fact that we are giving ammunition to all  and everyone to take the piss, and it is especially humiliating when the Germans, of all people, are getting a cheap laugh at our expense.  You guys are not known for having a sense of humour!  Whatever happens, it will all be finished soon.  We either stay mainly because we have had enough or we end up going, but I'll tell you this.  If we do go, we won't be the last. A lot of people in other countries have watched this and seen the way the UK has been treated.  This may well come back to haunt the EU in the future.

  6. Loved the look on Oettinger's face when the interviewer suggested that after Brexit the EU would join England, priceless.

  7. Believe me,to me it's the funniest and an honest Show in Germany… I watch this in YT cause the Show comes Friday at Midnight in TV…. Oliver Welke (Host) and the Rest of the Team are soooo funny!!!

  8. German humour is 1000 times better than English humour, the rumour that we have no humour has always been spread by the Fleet Street trash press which ruined half of England including the Royal House. If we still had such a silly tabloid press in Germany, I'd commit suicide.

  9. …and Nigel Farage got a divorce from his German wife who is quite a beauty, I guess he is a chronic ALCOHOLIC…!

  10. To all the cool Brits in the comments, I feel sorry for you having to share your Island with the rest of it’s population

  11. Loved this! No-matter what you voted, leave or remain, the current situation is just a complete farce, and Theresa May is a joke.

  12. Es ist peinlich, nicht wahr? Uns wurde gesagt, es würde ein Referendum geben und die Regierung würde liefern. Es war "In" oder "Out". Weil wir die Regierung unerwartet "abgewählt" haben, versuchen verschiedene Strategien den Brexit zu entgleisen, so dass wir "BRINO" – Brexit nur im Namen haben. Erinnern Sie mich nur daran, ist Großbritannien eine Demokratie oder eine Diktatur?

    It's embarrassing isn't it. We were told there would be a referendum and the government would deliver. It was "In" or "Out". Because we voted "out" unexpectedly the government, via various strategies are attempting to derail Brexit so that we have "BRINO" – Brexit in name only. Just remind me, is the UK a democracy or a dictatorship?

  13. A shake up of UK politics was overdue I think. Government has to represent the people and we voted out of the EU. The UK Government will take us out by the end of October, or else they will find out what a true democracy can do to their numbers. We here in the UK are not at all worried that you cant look after yourselves without us. Good luck in fact.

  14. What a load of shit I ask the German people nicely stick to building cars as
    you don’t have a clue what comedy is
    Stop feeling guilty about your past and your history
    Go and vote for somebody who was not formally in East German politics
    you are being taken over by the communist
    And your tax money is paying for you to take over the rest of Europe and make it into a Communist State
    Please wake up and realise democracy is the right way
    and stop doing comedy you are shit at it
    Lots of love and respect from a good friend in England

  15. Lol the Germans think they’ve discovered comedy? Haha no… this is just propaganda on steroids… drink your milk good little Germans…

  16. Germany still trying to be funny at the UKs expense. Time to loose the comedy. Time to get serious. Ireland is not seeing the funny side, and France is starting to not see the funny side, and German economists are starting to worry. Better laugh while you can. The UK stopped laughing long ago. We are deadly serious now. You may need to find other buyers for EU goods once we leave. The UK will be finding cheaper sellers to buy from in the big wide world outside the EU
    Keep your army we'll stick with NATO. French wine is grossly overrated.

  17. "all in all it was
    too many pricks in the gov"

    or is it better like this?

    "all in all it was
    too many pricks in the polls"

    (no need for crediting…)

    (we should know, right?)

  18. Perhaps if Germany hadn't insisted the whole of Europe stick to the Euro thus being unable to devalue, and thus creating millions of unemployed in the South Of Europe we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. Germany now has to hold the line on her own with nothing but anemic debtor countries holding out their begging bowls. No UK anymore to take the blame.

  19. Sehr schön – nur dass der Swinger Club doch gerade für verheiratete Paare gedacht ist, oder? Da wäre die Option auf weitere Ehen näherliegend gewesen. Unterschied: die meisten Bewohner sind in Sachen Immigration, Zahlungen etc. kein bisschen egoistisch… (Ausnahmen findest doch)… allerdings unsere Großwirtschaft und Finanz'elite' schon. Griechenland schröpfen etc. Aber gut, was würde sein, wenn wir ein Referendum hielten?

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