Chopping Block | Comedy Movie | Horror | HD | English | Free to Watch

Chopping Block | Comedy Movie | Horror | HD | English | Free to Watch


The hell is that? I don’t know! I just turned
something on. Well it sucks. That’s not so bad. It is bad. It does suck. Can we at least listen to
something that will get us a
little bit more [Screams] psyched to kidnap this
bitch? Ritchie! What? Put those back in there! It’s
illegal to tamper with people’s
mail. Alright alright! Relax. I’d hate
to break the law of the mail
men. It’s actually the “law” law. U.S. Code 1708 stats: You could get a fine, 6 months
in jail or both. You’re such a young man with a
bright future! You know what? You’re absolutely
right. I’ll put these back so we can
get back to our totally legal
kidnapping. Thank you! Help. Help me. Do something man. Danielle? Danielle Allen? We should grab her. What?– Grab her. [whispering] It’s all you man. [sigh] I’m real sorry about this. Seriously, I am really, really
sorry about this. God what am I doing? Oh Jeez! Shit, shit, shit, shit Ritchie
help! Shit, shit– You used my name man! You said my name was Richard. A little help here! Ritchie get the door! [Door opens] Come on! Get in the van! Grab her head! Pull her in. That’s good. Okay. [Footsteps]♪ Music[Trunk opening] Yes dear. I will call the
caterers at lunchtime. Yeah, I’m trying to do
everything with one hand here. It sucks. Love you too honey. [Kissing sounds] [Trunk closing] [Laughter] So many sprinkles. Your lance my liege. Senorita Glemos Ye Yumyos. Donnie. Wake up. [Slapping sounds] Wake up. Donnie wake up! Fuck! It’s Monday. Yeah. Come on. Rise and shine. Let’s get something to perk you
up. I hate you. Drink this right now. [Cup on table] Eat this too. You need to get
something in your stomach. No. I have plenty of drinks in
my stomach. I don’t need any of this. Do you have the review ready to
go? Refresh me. The department review. You have
a meeting with Allen today. Allen? Tony Allen, our new boss! He
replaced George last week. Now rumor has it he wants to
come in and swing “it” around. What is “it” Steve? Now you have the review? We
don’t want this hitting us
right? Stop. I have the review. It’s in
my office. I thought we had another “black
out” weekend. You did say
“drinks”! I meant “keep me up” drinks! I
mean energy. Here all weekend working on
this. Well I would’ve done it for you! I know man but you do a lot
around here Steve. I don’t want to keep piling work
on you. I can do things every once in a
while. Well, it is the first “once” in
some while! I know Steve. Hey, That’s why you’re my number
one. I think you mean number two. No I mean number one! You definitely mean number two.
You’re number one. Thanks buddy. Donnie, that’s not what I
meant. Be sure you eat that donut. No, no! Steve! No way! You know I can’t eat
this it’s completely against my
diet. But it’s just one donut. Steve, I am on a very strict
regimen of coffee and laxatives. A donut will ruin that. It’s just one. Oh, okay. Well since you said it
like that. I guess it’s just one so it’s
not a big deal now is it? Like what? It’s just one donut. That’s what it is one donut. Don’t worry about it Books, I’ll
take it. Thank you. You know I waited in a pretty
long line for these! You know what? It’s just one
donut, Steve. Sorry. And everybody else ate theirs! [Spitting] Hey! Nope! Oh no. Sprinkles. Again. Very funny Steve. Not me Richie! The Sprinkle
bandit must have crept in the
night and pooped sprinkles on your
donut. [Musically] Bum-bum-baaa! Yes he does. Hey! I don’t want mine either. Oh, come on! Books gave hers to Richie. I
don’t want this! I’d happily put mine into Richie
as well! You’re doing it again Will. Doing what? The things you say to me. The things you say to everyone– What? -except me. [Throat clearing] Okay, you got this. Donnie? Um you may want to put some
pants on. Right. [Footsteps] That’s my daughter Danielle.
True gift there! Really? No not really. She’s a little
spoiled brat. See her ‘Beamer out there? Cost me a fortune. 19 years old, she thinks she’s
being rebellious or something. Rebellions are the worst! Just
ask the Death Star! [Explosion sound] The fuck’s with you? It’s space– She’s not being rebellious.
She’s being stupid. Now, I’m done with stupid for
the day. Okay I hope you brought the
goods with this review. Sir, wait…there’s, um. See what we’ve got here. Shit. Did you draw that? It’s..I mean it. That’s an office prank. Clearly, I’m going to go
get the real review. And I’ll just be about two
seconds. Sit down Donnie. [Exhale] Look– No, you look. You give me a drawing of character from Greek mythology
blowing you? I mean she’s actually from Clash
of the Titans. [Groan] I think we’re done here. We’re making cuts. And you’re making this very
easy. The first cut is this… We’re going to get rid of you
and your entire team Donnie. All of us? There’s only five of you. Uh okay. Listen. Sir. What if you keep me on board
and get rid of them? I don’t want any of you because
if YOU represent the team I’d hate to see them. I can only imagine which one El
Krakken is blowing. The Krakken doesn’t blow anyone,
sir. You’re done. This sucks man. I mean… Steve has a big wedding to pay
for– And the others? They got shit too! You know? And sir, I have major financial
problems of my own. We all have problems. My 19 year old daughter has had
killer problems all her life. She’s managed to not fuck up
like you just did! Do we at least get some kind of
severance package? Hell no. I’m not going to fire you then
pay you because I fired you. That’s just dumb business! I’m
offering boxes. Amber! [Exhale] [Footsteps] Thank you. Can I at least get my fucking
drawing back? [Wads up paper] I got your fucking drwaing. [paper hitting sound] Now get the hell out of here. Come on. Looks like somebody died in
here. People get shit-canned all the
time. Don’t just cry about it and run
home to their mom. I’m gonna take my swords home. So let’s go drink! Right now? Donnie it’s way to early. Bullshit. What time is it? It’s 11am. That’s the perfect time you
guys. [Laughter] Haven’t you ever heard the old
saying? The early worm goes out and gets
the bird– That’s not it. That’s not the
saying. The early worm, he gets up. He
gets out there. And he brings something home
with him. No it’s the early bird. See? Books gets it. The early gets up and gets the
early bird. Let’s catch some fucking early
birds. Sorry. I haven’t had a drop of hard
liquor since my Bat Mitzvah. I’ve been doing so well. But a pinky in the ass is okay? I’m 19. I, I don’t know. I have to call
the caterer. And I should probably start
looking for a job. Call the caterer? New Job? Steve you’ve been
unemployed for like 10 minutes. Yeah that’s 10 minutes too long. My wife is gonna freak out. Steve you haven’t seen your
wife’s pussy in like 8 years. You’re going to go home and get
disappointed. That gives you 5 hours to come
drink with us. I don’t know man Come on guys. This will be the last time we
get together. Let your former boss buy you a
drink. It’s just one innocent, little
drink you guys. [Rap music] He sounds so mean. I hate him. I do. I hate his face. His stupid face and his
pictures. All those pictures like, “Oh
look at all the fancy things
I’ve done”. Who cares? I hate his daughter. I hope his
daughter hates him! [Laughter] ‘Cause that’s worse. Right you
guys? I hope she turns into one of
those Intervention kids! She might. You just never know! They have tons of money! She’s a
snorter for sure! She’s probably just a spoiled
little bitchy brat! And Steve, I told him about your
daughter’s wedding. And he was just like “Fuck that
wedding!” “Fuck that wedding”? Every girl grows up up and
dreams about having a dream
wedding. That guy ruined your daughter’s
life. Fuck that wedding! We should teach him a lesson! YES!, YES! We should toilet paper his
house! People still do that? I don’t think we should toilet
paper his house. I think we should cyber stalk
her. I think we should find her
MyBook page and I think we should bully her. Tell her she’s fat. Slut shame
her into suicide! No we can’t suicide her. Yeah we can. [Glasses clanking] Announcement time. Hey! Listen.
I got it. We should kidnap her. [Laughter] What are guys talking about? What would we kidnap her for? For money…fucking duh. Do people kidnap for other
reasons? Toilet paper! Shh. No, I don’t want to do
toilet paper. I like the kidnapping idea. It’s outside the box but it
works. It could also be inside the box,
that box being a jail cell! Ja-, jail? Yes. No! We’re not gonna go to jail guys. Kidnapping is so easy. He’s right. It’s really to figure what
people are up to these days. I mean with all the check in’s
and check outs. I found her you guys. I got her right here. Follow her. No she might see us. She just checked in at a frat
party. Delta Gamma Grammar…she’s at a
party Steve. Says right here. And you know
where to find me for a cray
time. You know where to find me? Guys it’s like she’s talking to
us. She’s begging us almost. So let’s be kidnappers. No way man. Fine. I don’t need money. You guys
need money for anything? I do. This is what I’m saying. How much money are we talking
here? Millions. Millions of dollars. Or, at least enough to make it
look like we got 9 to 5 jobs for the rest
of our lives. [Laughter] You know? I mean enough to bang your online boyfriend. Enough to go to P City– -Portland. P City Steve! He’s trying to go
to P City. And Ritchie, I don’t know what
the fuck you do outside the office. Actually– -Fuck you nerd. Bottom line, plans take money. And how do we get money? From kidnapping. Why are trying to pay for a
wedding anyways? You’re paying for some guy to
fuck your daughter? No, lesbian. Same sex marriage. Do you have pictures? Of the Grand Canyon. Of her butthole Steve. I want
pictures of her butthole. [Glass slamming] I’m in! Boom. I’m in. 2 booms. Uh, I’m in. What do you know? 3 booms. [Glass hitting table] So? We can’t do this. Let’s just
give it some more time. Time? Some time? Yeah, like a month. [Glasses hitting table] [Groan] Fine! I’m a compromised man. You know? We’ll wait your month. But if things… shit is still shit in a month– It’s gonna be awesome in a
month. Steve, but if it isn’t. Then you’ve got yourself a deal. That’s what I’m saying. Let’s do this. [Slams glass] [Groan] [Crashing into table] Guys, let’s cheers. Hmm? [Unintelligable] Look, I still think we can make
it very special guys. We just have to make it smaller. Way smaller and uh… maybe we do it in here. Just like we do Christmas
morning. That’s always special
right? Well I didn’t exactly picture my
big day happening in here. Where are we supposed to put all
the guests? Well that’s another thing. Um… what if? It’s just us? I mean, we could do this today. Please tell me you’re joking. Ma! He’s joking right? Steve, we need to talkin the
kitchen now! A living room wedding? Really? It’ll save us a lot of money. And it’ll cost you a daughter. You have no idea what it’s like
to dream of a a big wedding your whole life. You can’t do this to her! No ones trying to take anything
away from her. I’m just trying to shrink this
down to our budget. We are not doing this. She can do the living room this
time. And she can have the big dream
wedding the next marriage. Wow. Dad, you’re an ass. It was a joke. You really are an asshole Steve. Hey, I’m trying to make this
work here. Are you? Yes dear. Well I don’t care what you have
to do to make this happen. I don’t give a shit what you
have to do! Figure it out! And until then
the couch is all yours. Do you know how bad the couch is
for my back? You know what else is really bad
for your back? Divorce! Figure it out! Is this because I’m a lesbian? [Door opening] [Change hitting table] [Hands rubbing together] Prepare thyselves Portland. The giant killer is coming for
you. [Suspensful gasp] No, no, no, no! [Cell phone] Study bodies… press 1 and take your pants off. What? “drop them squirrel covers.” ‘Now put that cock in between
your legs.” “That’s it. Right in there
between the taint. “While nipple piercings may not
cause cancer, “Mrs. Johnson, we have your
daughter. I’m gonna make this real simple. We want 5 million dollars. For each day you don’t pay,
she’s gonna lose a finger. If you’re very good at math, I
wouldn’t wait 10 days. 5 million dollars. [Talking in the other room] So there we are. Steve’s the
only one in the office that knows how to fix the printer. So he keeps yelling at us to do
it. We don’t know how to do it. Steve’s getting angry, you know. His face gets real red when it’s
angry. [Laughter] And he’s, well there he is. I made you some coffee. Mmm, and I drank that coffee. [Laughter] What are you doing here? You told me to come over.
Remember? No work today? Well Donnie appears to be in the
same boat as you honey. And what boat is that? The unemployment boat. [Laughter] But, good news. We finally have
a job offer. We? Mm hmm. The whole team. [Whispering] [Angry whispering] And they’ve got terrible food in
jail. The food should be the last you
worry about. Some big guy’s gonna fuck you in
jail. No they’re not. I’m bgonna
clinch my butt cheeks together
so tight that nobody could get in there. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve
ever heard. I will fuck you if you don’t do
this– -I will fuck you. That’s what
you have to worry about. We can’t do this. Yes we are– -I’m not doing it. I will buttfuck you if you
don’t! No! No? What do you mean no? Donnie has a job for you honey.
You should go with him. Unless of course you’re okay on
the couch. Get your pants on Steve. Yeah. Get your pants on Steve. Okay. This is great coffee. I don’t know what you put in it.
Is it cinnamon? It’s chickaree. Are we really considering this
guys? I mean you guys have to have
options or savings or something. I have nothing. I’m delivering pizzas Steve. I’m wearing my savings. Savings? Steve really? Because I don’t have savings. I’ve had an adventure. Guys I’ve had a really poor
adventure. Okay that may or may not have
started out with phone sex hotlines. But it went downhill from there.
Fast! Really fast. Alright I’ve done this for gas
money. I’ve done that for rent money. I’ve learned a lot of things
about myself guys. And lots of people have lots of
things about me. All in the name of Spain. Fuck one guy was even named
Spain. I feel like the vagina version
of Donnie here. I don’t know about you guys but
the vagina version of me sounds
awesome. Right? I like the idea of you
with a vagina. Will, no stop. You’re doing it
again. I like Spain. Sorry kid. Spain left a nasty
taste in my mouth. What about you Steve? Oh you mean this last week? Let’s see there’s the flowers, there’s the chairs I get to sit
in once. And there’s some guy named Fred. Now what does Frederick do? I
have no idea. But I’m paying him a thousand
dollars to do it. I think turned around and gave
me that thousand dollars. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. My life savings is starting to
look like Ritchie’s delivery
tips. No offense Ritchie. None taken. I’m not going to be able to wear
a tux to my daughter’s wedding. At this rate I’m going to have
to borrow one of Will’s dork
costumes. No offense Will. None taken. And I’m so stressed out. All I
do is drink. Which mean my liver is starting
to look like Donnie’s. No offense Donnie. Wait your liver looks like my
vagina? People are having there way with
me so much that I’m starting to
feel like Hillary. No offense right? No offense right? My daughter’s wedding is going
to cost me my marriage. Look Steve. Behind site is
20/20. Did you just call it “behind
site”? Yeah because you’re looking
behind you. Well it’s actually hind site. But continue. Okay whatever it is, looking
behind us we can see now we should have kidnapped that
bitch a month ago. We’d be millionaires by now. Instead, you guys chicked out on
me. And now, they both hate you. They don’t hate you Steve. Okay, well they will if you
don’t figure something out soon. Okay? Your wife already has you
on the couch. She gave me coffee this morning. Think about it. Your wife gave
another man your coffee. Soon, it’s gonna be other
things. Like what? Like her vagina Steve! Come on! You need to grow some balls.
That’s what needs to happen. Fuck that T Shirt over there has
more balls than you. And I feel bad you know. I
mean… I wanna help. You know? Abby’s like a daughter to me
too. How so? Come on. I’ve known her since
she was born. We’ve only worked together for 5
years. With your math my 5 year old
daughter is getting married in 2
months? It is a little young. Oh, okay the point is she’s going to hate you very
soon. Is that what you want? Of course not. Okay. Well then let’s do this! And your wife said “whatever it
takes” right? Let’s do it. Alright let’s do it. Let’s do a
kidnap! Anything else guys? I will take that shirt with the
big balls on it. Please. Guys wait! I don’t know the first about
kidnapping do you? What do we do? I don’t know. What anybody else does with
questions I guess. Ask the internet. uh, LORI, how does one kidnap? “Taking kids away.” No LORI, kidnap. How does one
kidnap? Kid, a baby goat. Billy the Kid. [Laughter] Kidnap LORI! Kidnapping! “You are kidnapped. Calling the
police.” Oh wow okay. I gotta turn that off. I’m
sorry. I was very clear. You can the case cheaper when
you pick them up and just change
the name– I got it you guys. [Paper rattling] A list for everything we need
for kidnapping. Did you just find that on the
internet or something? Yeah. Everything’s on the
internet now. It’s easy too. Just need some
masks, some rope rape whistle, ball gag– What? Who’s it recommended by? Ted
Bundy? Hey, what’s a ball gag? It’s a ball that fucking gags
you Ritchie! Where do we find one of those? My closet. I don’t think we need everything
on this list. I mean this is just the
recommended list. Well it’s not very specific
either. I mean it says “masks” but it
doesn’t say what kind of masks. The kind that hides your face
William. What other kind are there? Are you sure we need a rape
whistle? I don’t think we need a rape
whistle. These things turn ugly pretty
quickly. One of these sick fucks might
get an urge. Are you guys gonna get any
fucking urges? No! Not the urge type. A wekk ago you weren’t the
kidnapping type. Look at you now Ritchie! I think we can all agree we
don’t need that item. Fine. Wanna take it off the list?
Let’s just take all the items
off the list. Why don’t we just crumple that
up and forget about it okay? Wanna take rope off the list
too? One of you might get an urge to
tie her up. What about you Ritchie? You getting any urges? Yeah. Are you? No. Alright fine. We’ll take it off
the list. Alright I think everyone’s okay
with everything else on the
list? [Paper snatched] I don’t know about you guys. But
I’m really excited about this.♪ MusicThis is it! The warehouse I was telling you
guys about? It’s gonna be a perfect safe
haven. Look, look, look. No one’s gonna
find us here. Steve…I know that look. Lust trust me, okay? It’s kinda dirty. It’s a warehouse Steve. It doesn’t matter how c– We just need to tie some bitch
up in the corner and your out. So we just need the van for a
weekend. I got stuff. I got so much
stuff. I’ve got like all the stuff. So much stuff– Stuff! Stuff. [Keys jingling] Thanks. [Footsteps] I got us some tape. I picked up some too. Wow those are colorful. Yeah, I thought we’d be the more
refreshing kidnappers you know? Tie her up with these cupcakes
she’ll be like “Oh it’s not so
bad.” Yeah those are really nice guys. Yeah that seems really abrasive. Yeah, it’s kind of industrial
looking. This ones festive. I like it. Yeah. Makes me feel like we’re
going to a fiesta. Cinco De Mayo! [Laughter] And this one’s very fashionable. Probably go with a nice belt or
a handbag. Or we could do the one that has
the desserts on it. Mm hmm. Everyone likes cupcakes. I mean we’re not trying to date
her Steve. We’re trying to
kidnap her. It’s true. But you know. We already have
this tape. And if have the receipt, you can
take those back and get your
money back. Do I seem like a “keep the
receipt” type of guy Steve? Well if not then you’re only
going to get store credit. Is there anything at that store
you really want? I, I, I just can’t. Just come on. That’s the way it works. Are we good with this tape? Okay. Let’s see ’em. Fellow brothers in arms. [Shuffling sounds] [Exhale] The fuck is that? A mask. Ski masks Will! You’re supposed
to get ski masks! Hey the list just said mask. [Exhale] I got you this one because
you’re our virul, strong male
leader. [Shuffling sounds] Because you… are a super stripey animal. [Shuffling sounds] Books… you quack me up every single
time. [Shuffling sounds] Oh Ritchie. I got you this because… Alice in Wonderland is my
favorite story and you are my
little magical rabbit. Go on, take it. Well don’t just stand there, put
them on! Dude I have to tilt my head like
a kid with cerebral palsy just to see anything. Is that what zebras do? These suck man! Well, I feel like a cock that’s
for sure. [Clears throat] Oh, hi girls. Shit. I can’t see her. Does she look
mad? Well she doesn’t look happy ding
dong. This would have looked a lot
worse with the ski masks. Shut the fuck up! Hey! Tell her it’s for a community
play. Yes Steve. Tell me it’s for a
community play. She can hear you. I can also hear you. Now hear me. Get in the kitchen
now! [Footsteps] Yeah, this is some kinky shit
guys. Fucking weirdos. Are you happy now, huh? Just fucked that up. Now his wife thinks he’s in some
sex ring because you didn’t get ski masks. Guys we can’t do this here, we
gotta go somewhere else. We can go to my place. Oh, and
we can grab the ball gag while
we’re there. Mmm, great. What? [Water running] [Crashing sound] Relax Steve. It’s not as bad as
it seems. Oh I’m sure we’re gonna get
there soon. Grab the ball gag? We had our masks on. What if she
heard us? I don’t wanna get buttfucked in
jail! I’m seriouly freaking out
right now. It’s not as bad as it seems.
Just chill out! Alright, you know what? Here,
here. [Pills rattling] This will help with nerves. This
will help with the buttfucking. And this is gonna help us get
the job done so eat up. Is this drugs? No. It’s like Tylenol… for your nerves. [Swallowing sounds] [Exhale] [Pills rattling] Okay? Yeah? You good? You wanna go join the others? Okay– Alright, game face grrrrrrr! Happy face. [Laughter] Alright you ready? Okay. Alright. Let’s do this. Come on. Hey guys, I have an idea. Look
what daddy found.♪ MusicWhoa, whoa. Guys? Guys, guys– -What? We gotta um, find Will. Where’s
Will? Will. Oh God. The fuck is that? I just, I was just practicing on
this guy. What are doing with my face? You’re what? My nemesis. I am the giant killer! And he’s so big and I took
Ritchie’s mask because he’s the biggest thing I
could think of. So I put it on there for
inspiration. Listen, I have an idea. Oh no. No more drinks– Shut the fuck up I’m serious. [Groan] [Hand slapping wall] This is a good idea. No. Alright the dummy we got set up
is our girl. We’re gonna do a mock napping. Yes! Please don’t hurt him. So what exactly is the plan? [Exhale] Okay, it’s easy. We’re gonna drive over to her,
you 3 are gonna hop out throw her in the…what are you
doing? Visual aids. Alright. Simple enough? Suit up kids. Let’s kidnap this bitch.♪ Music[Engine sounds] [Brakes squeal] [Impact sound] [Doors opening] [Footsteps] What are they doing? I have no idea. [Van doors opening] [Van door opening] What’s the deal? The deal is you killed the
dummy, dummy! You ran him over! Shit. This is not good. It’s bad Steve it’s just… it’s not a real person. It’s a
dummy. Yeah well maybe next time let’s
try not to run over the person that we’re gonna
kidnap! It was probably the loud music
and these stupid eyeholes and these stupid masks you
bought Will! What now? [Exhale] I think we’re ready to do this. Says the guy who ran over the
dummy with his car you bag of dicks! No, we need a few more days. A few more days? Steve your marriage doesn’t have
a few more days. But, but we’re not ready. Fine. We’ll wait a few more
days. I gotta make a quit stop though
on the way home. We forgot something off the
list. You ran him over! Shut up! It’s a dummy! Get in the van! [Van doors open and close] So this is your idea to… to sit out in front of her
house? Yeah It’s called being spontaneous. Okay? We just sit here and wait. Just wait for her? Like a stake out. Exactly. We sit here and wait. It’s easy. It seems boring. Well Ritchie, sometimes being… spon-nui-tist…spon… living in the moment is boring
sometimes okay? Living in the moment isn’t
always boring, it just depends on who your customer is. Listen. We’re not gonna be here
long. If she walks out, we’ll grab
her. Hey what the hack happened to 2
more days? Donnie are you sure this is even
her house? Yes. I mean it’s, one of these
houses. They all look the same from the
one on her MyBook. You still follow her? Yes, okay? And thank God that I
do. She’s at another frat party
around here. She’s gonna stumbling out drunk
any minute. We’ll pull up, we’ll grab her,
we’ll leave. Easy. Thatnk you social media. Remind to never accept your
friend request. Let’s go look through their
mail. Actually you can’t do that. It’s a federal offense, and it’s
illegal. Hey wait Ritchie. That’s a great idea man. Go out there and look through
her mail. Hey don’t forget your mask. Put
your mask on. I got it. Donnie what if someone sees him
looking though the mail? Well go out there with him. Be
his look out! [Metal clanging] [Van door close]♪ MusicThe hell is that? I don’t know I just turned
something on. Well it sucks. Not so bad. It is bad. It does suck. Can we at least listen to
something that’ll get us a
little bit more psyched to kidnap this bitch? Psyched? Bitch? Hey look I know you had a fucked
up month… but what happened to you Books? I was reborn Donnie. Kinda like a Christian. Except someone stuck their pinky
in my asshole so it didn’t go so well this
time. I though you liked it when
people put their pinky in your
asshole– I don’t! I thought you liked it when
people called you “Books”– I don’t like that either! Okay! Jesus! [Footsteps] [Ominous sound] Is that her? Kinda looks like her. What do you think happened? I don’t know. I mean, maybe
she’s coming home from prom or
something. Will is a spectacular lookout. No, he’s a shitty one. She’s gonna talk to him. What’s she saying? Can you tell? Leave her alone! Leave her
alone! Do something man. Um… Oh shit. Um, okay. We need to hide. Come on. Put your mask on! Fuck! Just ignore him okay? You know? This is strange. I should totally be freaking out
right now. Yeah Steve, you not freaking out
is freaking me out okay? You gave him a Xanax right? Well yeah. Are you sure? Shit! What? I may have given him something
else by accident. What did you give him? I think the neighbor kids are
calling it “Molly”. Who’s she? She would be “Ecstasy” Steve. You just did Ecstasy Steve. I did what? I’m so, so sorry Steve. You said it would help. It is gonna help. Oh my God! I’m a drug addict! You’re not a drug addict Steve!
Calm down! Oh I am. Bloody Mary is looking right at
us. Oh my eyes are closed. I can’t
look at this! Mine too! Books, tell us what
happens. That’s not my name! It’s habit! I don’t want to die! You’re not gonna die Steve. Why
would you die? Because she looks like a ghoul! And ghouls kill people. Happening it’s happening! Oh shit! Oh shit what? He’s bringing her to the van. Ugh. A little help here. Your soul is mine! [Screaming] [Metal clanging] [Heavy breathing] That’s blood! You got period blood on my
parent’s van– God dammit it’s not period
blood! Look at her! No way! She got her own period
blood on the van! It’s not period blood! It’s something red and bloody! Regular blood is red and bloody. I guess. Yeah. You guess? What? Did one of your 2 moms
never forget to flush toilet during the red fury you
guess? [Laughter] What’s so funny? No, seriously.
I don’t get it, what’s so funny? Hey, guys. We’re officially kidnappers now. [Crazy laughter] She’s got a cool tattoo. [Footsteps] Ecstasy? Really? I told you I was sorry. [Laughter] He’s got like 5 more hours. Come
on. [Exhale] [Van door closes] [Ominous sound] She’s so bloody. Shouldn’t we like, clean her up? Do you want to touch her? No! She’s stays like like. She’s scary like this. Matbe there’s a hose around here
somewhere. Are you seriously suggesting
that we hose the bloody girl down like a
dog? I don’t know what I’m
suggesting. It’s just that she’s all bloody
and it’s freaking me out. Guys. She stays bloody. I am hungry. Like super hungry! Okay well word of advice Steve,
don’t do drugs! It was an accident, sh. Did we miss something? No! Okay, we have to call her
father. I wanna do it! Actually no I should do it. I did play the lead in Death of
a Salesman in high school. [Groans] No, no. Um excuse me. Clearly a job for a professional
role player and drag queen! I know how to be in character. Me!!! Oh hell no! [Spitting sound] Okay,
seriously. Listen up, Hillary and I… are gonna go in the other… okay. Where the fuck did Steve
go? Steve! What the fuck? Hello! Who’s on the phone Steve? The wife. The frigid one! Hey! Buttfucker! What are you
doing? You can’t wander off like that,
okay? Especially in your condition. You told me this was a safe
house. Condition? I really think we missed
something. You didn’t! [Laughter] You did! Seriously, we have to make the
ransom call. Can’t wait any longer. Got an
important job for you guys. You 2 are going to go in the
other room and watch over– [Groan] Don’t give me that shit. You’re sending us to the kids
table. This is bullshit! Why do we have to babysit bloody
mary? Would you 2 just go? [Sigh] Thank you Books. [Exhale] [Footsteps] Okay, Steve. [Impact sound] Okay, Steve. Focus, okay? Can you do this? I’m good. So no. Books. Okay, let me hear your ransom
voice. Alright. Mr. Allen. We have your
daughter. What the fuck is that?
[Laughter] That’s my ransom voice dude. It’s a good one! Okay? No, it’s not! It’s terrible. It needs to be
scarier! Scary?– Scary yeah!– My shit is good! Mr. Allen. We have your
daughter. Mr. Allen. We have your
daughter. [Gagging sound] [Laughter] Whoo. His fucking brain’s melting. Thanks Books. I’m gonna stick my finger in his
mouth if he opens it up any
wider. Steve. Something funny is happening. We’re missing it! [Exhale] Just ignore them. [patting sound] Just sit here
and relax Ritchie. Movies make kidnapping look
nonstop crazy! This has been nonstop boredom. Look. If you think I enjoy sitting
here with Miss Menstrual Splat sitting behind me you are sorely
mistaken. But… with you here with me, it’s not
so bad. Yeah well, I just want something
crazy to happen! [Ominous sound] Mr. Allen– You blow. No, you… He’s not even in his right
fucking mind and he knows you suck at this. Fuck right off Donnie! Just fuck
right off! We’re trying to ask him for
ransom here not ask him what his favorite
fucking scary movie is. Okay! Okay! Let’s hear yours
then. Okay, well I don’t have a ransom
voice. [Laughter] Neither does she! I’ll handle it. Give me your
phone. Oh, right. Got to do everything around
here. I leave you alone for 2 seconds
you give this guy Ecstasy. Who knows what those 2 other
buttfucks are doing. I’m gonna call this guy. Hello. [Clears throat] Mr. Allen? Yes. In a world… where we have your daughter. That’s my voice. Great. Excuse me? I mean great as in thank you. Is
the police or a hospital? She was at that party I mean, is
she alive? Oh she’s alive alright. But how long depends on you. We won’t wait forever. That’s not fair, that’s the
voice I was using. Who in the hell’s “we”? We, are just. Um, we are just
we. I can’t tell you who we are. Wait a minute. What do you mean we have her? I mean we have her. She’s tied up. And all bloody! We are going to need a lot of
fucking money dude! You’re such a copycat. Shut the fuck up. Go check on
them. A lot of money like… at least enough for 5 people to
split. ‘Cause we are serious. You got that money? [Slap] You offend me! Go check on them. Quit standing around. Go along missy. Do I know you? You sound like that dickweed I
fired a few days ago. [gasping] She’s a zombie man. She bit me! I’m not a fucking zombie!!!! Talking zombie!!!! Choking zombie!!!! Choking zombie!!!! No you listen to me! I have the
power here! He’s got the power. Is this fucking Donnie? Where’s my daughter you piece of
shit? Stop yelling at me! Okay you deal with this! I can’t
deal with this shit anymore! Talk on the phone? Yes, do your best. Don’t you fucking give that
fuscking phone up you piece of
shit! Where’s my daughter? Now listen to me you asshole,
motherfucker, son of a bitch! Yeah we want a lot of money! You have 5 hours pig breath! Every hour that passes we take a
fucking finger off and shove it right up her
asshole. If you’re pretty good at math
that means if you don’t pay up her ass is gonna just dripping
with fingers. And we’re gonna have to take an
industrial drill press and reem that sucker out! Okay? Yeah. You ready to play
ball? Yes, just please don’t hurt her. Well that depends on you sir. [Slurping sound] This is what she was doing!
Ignoring us so we thought she was like dead or
something. Then she bit me! Hey Danielle. Danielle look at
me. Danielle, what happened to
you? The same thing that always
happens. The same thing that’s going to
happen to you. What do you mean? She always finds me. We keep
moving. But she always cames
back. No one can stop her. No one can
kill her. Kill who? She’s coming and you’re all
going to die. Um, how about $50,000? [Whispering] Okay then what can you do? $5,000? He says he can do
$5,000. $5,000? We just wanted to confirm that
$5,000 is indeed your final
offer? Lemme see the phone. Did you say 5,000? Really? WE ARE CUTTING ALL HER
FUCKING FINGERS OFF! That’s how you do it Steve. He was going to pay it! I think
you hurt his feelings he’s not going to do anything
now. He’s gonna do everything– Guys! The fuck now? We are in DEEP shit! Did you get bit? She’s a zombie!!! Stop! Stop talking about
zombies! Just stop saying zombies Steve. That’s the first time I said it. Okay, okay. Hey, hey. What is she? She is a lot of things! But definitely not the “Z”
thing? Dammit Steve no! Okay, hey so? Did you hear about that Prairie
Hollow thing that happened last
night? No. “The Prairie Hollow Massacre”. A movie? Or a band? No it’s any of those things you
fucking dumbos! Something killed a bunch of– Someone! Someone killed a bunch of kids
at this party last night. That someone is why Danielle is
all bloody. And that someone is going to be
here soon to finish the job! Well that’s fucking scary! It’s bullshit you guys. Of course you you would say
that. It’s all bullshit. Of course you you would say
that. Donnie, she’s telling the truth! You’re off the phone. Do you guys have the money? Um, yeah. We got some money. Some money? Some millions? [Clears throat] Some thousands. Thousands? Like how many
thousands? Five of those thousands. Five hundred thousand or just
$5,000? $5,000. Yeah. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!? We
kidnapped someone for $5000? That can’t be right?! $1000 dollars each? [Laughter] Why are you laughing Steve? We are terrible at this!! Just
so, so bad! And that’s funny to you? It might be funny to him because
someone fucking DRUGGED HIM! Sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I drugged you Steve. Steve’s on drugs? That explains a lot! I’M ON DRUGS!!! Shh. Don’t tell anybody. It’s a
secret. [Scream] We didn’t get any money, I got
bit very, very hard and somebody’s coming to kill
all of us! Today sucks balls! Guys, nobody’s coming to kill
us! It’s bullshit. We’re fine. [Loud knocks on door] It’s her! Her? She said it’s a “she”! That’s ridiculous. Is it so ridiculous Donnie?The
who’s knocking at the door? I don’t know Books! I didn’t
fucking tell anybody about this
place? Did you? No. Well then. [Loud knocks at door] We should ignore that! I’m telling you! It’s her! Guys, I’m telling you that
killers don’t knock on the
fucking door. Okay? Oh just in the neighborhood.
Thought I’d stop by and kill everyone that was home. It’s okay! We’re fine! Nobody’s here to kill us! Hello? Is anybody in there? Killers also don’t ask if
anybody’s there. Okay? They just come in and they
kill everybody. Put your mask on. Let’s go find out who’s there. And no more bullshit massacre
talk okay? Can’t see shit. Stupid masks! [Warehouse door opening] Which one of you crazy animals
ordered a pizza? Yes I did! [Velcro sound] Mask on now. So, he ordered a pizza? Cool. I got to get going so– You’re not going anywhere! What? Why? He hasn’t witnessed anything! Donnie, he doesn’t know anything
about the kidnapping! [Groans] That’s great. Now we have to tie
you up! See? I want to lick his face. No. How ’bout I leave the pizza and
we act like this never happened? How about we tie you up? How ’bout NO? Just let him go guys! I agree with the gay mouse? Mouse? Ritchie. Grab the rope. Richie don’t grab the rope! Richie don’t grab the rope! [Slams pizza to ground] Why’d you do that!? You were going to grab that
rope! I wasn’t! You were! I wasn’t! Oh okay. Ritchie? Shit. I saw it was you. You can’t cover your face with a
mask in my memories! I can’t believe you were going
to tie me up! I wasn’t! You were! You’re so fired! You guys are all fired in life. This is unacceptable behavior! I’m leaving and you can’t stop
me! Guys, seriously? [whispering] [Guts spilling on ground] [Ominous sound] [Body hitting ground] [Ominous sound] [Warehouse door closing] Mmmm, bubbly cheese on my lips
Hey! You’re not Jonesy. Ow! [Groan] [Blood spraying] Guys? By the power of Grey Skull… I have, oh shit! [Blood
spraying] [Footsteps] [Gasping] Go! I’ll stop her! Are you shitting me? You’re gonna fucking die! [Knife into arm] [Screams] [Screaming] [Blood dripping]
Motherfucker! [Knife pulled out of arm] [Gasp] Go! Dude! Go! You can thank me and my wood
later! Will, you’re doing it again. I know. Aha! Oh, it’s going to take a
lot more than that to take the
giant killer down! [Wood hits floor] Oh bitch. [Head ripped off] [Head hits Donnie] What the fuck? [Scream] [Gasping] Danielle? Danielle look at me! What the fuck is going on? Let me guess, she’s here? Yeah! What the fuck? God this hurts. Your arm hurts? I got stabbed
through mine. Will you both shut up? Will is
dead! He’s dead. Well there’s that. Have you seen my arm? Oh my God. You guys the door? Yea. What about it? She’s out there. Yeah? Guys, we need to make a plan. I have an idea. Ritchie. What are you doing? Help me with these. Help me with these! Alright. Okay. We’ll get her and we’ll– What the fuck? I was trying to hurry. Really? It worked! You can’t tie a fucking rope? Come on. Ritchie help me. Come on. If this killer wants her so
bad– -Oh my God– -She can have her! What? She can her. No! Just take her. Don, no! We are kidnappers. We didn’t
agree to kill anybody! I’m not dying for her– You throw her out she’s as good
as dead. I don’t even know this bitch! Guys, I– Just move Books! Open the God damn door! No! Books! Fuck! [Scream] Okay, sorry about this. I’m so sorry Danielle. I’m so
sorry. No! Just have a seat. No! I’m so sorry! [Door slam] [Door knocks] Ritchie! Barrel!
Barrel! [Door knocks] All things considered you look
really pretty. Okay. Okay. Okay. We’re safe. That was easy. You guys? Yeah. Guys, where’s Steve? What? [Ominous sounds] Steve. What the fuck? Steve? Stevie! Who calls him Stevie? The office. Steve. Buddy? Steve, we ordered another pizza. Some yum yums? Want a Red Bull buddy? Steve. Steve quit fucking around! What if she can hear us? She can’t here us. Too busy killing the other bitch
we had tied up. She’s huge. Who knows how big
her fucking ears are. Steve. Steve, please come out. [Ominous sounds] [Knife
stabbing] Steve. Can’t see shit in these masks. Oh hey guys! Where’d you get that knife? Oh I got it from a bear! Steve what are you doing? I got her! Who? I killed her. Come look. [Exhales] Oh my God. Fuck Steve. Steve what have you done? I got her. She was walking at me
with her fingers out. Steve, is that the person that
you killed? Yes. We’re fucked! That’s not the killer? Steve, answer me right now. I need to know where you got
that fucking knife. I got it from my bear friend. [Ominous sound] Oh hi friend! Not a bear Steve! Grab those barrels. [Door shutting] Barricade the door! Books help him out. [Barrel across floor sound] I almost died you guys! I can’t die yet! I got so many important things I
need answers to in life! Richie, I’m the sprinkle bandit! I know Steve. I meant important
things. We need toi get out of here. [Door knocks] [Screams] Or we could stay here. This is delicious! We need weapons. We need a miracle. I need a hand. Holy shit! Think about it. Steve needs a hand. We have
weapons. It’s a miracle because we can
turn Steve into a weapon handed
man on drugs! Yeah! What? Army of Darkness motherfuckers. I don’t like this. Steve, you don’t have to like it
because you’re gonna LOVE it! You’re going to have a knife for
a fucking hand! And that’s fucking awesome! That is fucking awesome. You ready? Let’s do it! Okay. One, two– [Flesh stabbing] [Screams] What the fuck? You said to put the knife in his
hand! Not like that! Oh God. Clearly. I’m going to pass out! Please
take it out! Blade first? Really? You were supposed to go handle
fucking first! I understand that NOW! TAKE IT OUT! Why is this happening? Why are
we stabbing Steve? I didn’t mean to! TAKE THIS FUCKING THING OUT OF
MY HAND! Okay! Count of three. One, two… Three! [Splat sounds] [Splat sound] [Screams] WHAT THE FUCK? WHY WOULD YOU PUT IT BACK IN? You said to go handle first! The first time! Shit man! I’m trying here! To kill me? This is bad! Yeah! Bad is what happens when
you start jamming things into my
body! That’s what sh– Don’t you dare fucking finish
that! Okay, we’re gonna take it out. Is that what you want Steve? No! It looks like it fucking
hurts! Yeah fucking it hurts! Let me
jam something in your wound! His went all the way through so
that wouldn’t work. Fuck you Books! Here it comes. There’s not much
wiggle room here Steve! Maybe you can take another knife
and wedge it out! Do we have another one? I WILL STAB YOUR EYES OUT. It’s so deep! Steve. Steve. What can we do to help? Nothing. Really? Blade fucking first? [Heavy breathing] What am I going to do? I gotta
walk my daughter down the aisle, and I have a fucking knife hand. You can cut still the cake. Donnie. You don’t know what it’s like to
spend all your time trying to
make one person happy. To spend all
your time trying to be the best
dad in the world. That’s all I’ve ever done. She’s the only reason I agreed
to this. I can’t imagine failing her and I’m so afraid of failing her
that I would kidnap someone to ensure that doesn’t happen
and I fail at that! And now I got this. Yeah. Looking back that was a
terrible idea. It played out way better in my
head. We’re all going to die because
of me. We’re not going to die Steve. And if we die it’s because of
me. I’m the reason we got fired
Steve. I didn’t turn in the review. What? Yeah. One thing I was supposed to do
and I didn’t fucking do it. But you had it. I saw it in your
hand! You saw a folder that had a blow
job doodle in it. All you had to do was turn in
the review. That’s it. You do that and we still have
jobs. My daughter still gets married,
I don’t get drugged and I still
have a hand. Will would still have a head! And Danielle would still be
alive! We don’t know about Danielle. Look, I’m sorry okay? You’re sorry? You fucked us all in the ass! And now Books isn’t the only one
who doesn’t like that sensation. I think we can all agree that
it’s past time to keep saying
that. God. You know? Donnie you do know what it’s
like to spend all your time
trying to make one person happy you
selfish asshole! Steve, Steve. Don’t go out there! I’m not going out there! I’m
going home! In order to go home you have to
go out there. Then so be it! I’m sick of getting drugged up
and chopped up Fine. I’ll go out there. You’ll go where? Out there. I’ll go out there so you guys
can all get away. You’re going to sacrifice
yourself? Yeah. Sorry you guys. Richie, Find
those answers man. Books, I hope you make it to
Spain to see you imaginary
boyfriend. Steve, your daughter will be a
beautiful bride. Donnie, wait. [Exhale] Yeah? Was it at least a good blow job
doodle? Yeah. It was the best. Yeah. It was the best. [Door opens] [Door shuts] She’s gone. I have a plan. Weekend At Bernie’s Um. Hear me out on this one. Bernie was dead. And so is Will! [Ominous sounds] [Chopping
sounds] Okay guys, new plan. Door’s right behind her. Run! Come on Steve! [Footsteps] [Gagging sound] [Stabbing sound] [Axe dropping] Steve! Yeah. Looks like you could use a hand
buddy. [Groans] [Scream] [Splat sounds] [Scream] [Splat sounds] [Scream] [Splat sounds] [Scream] [Splat sounds] Fuck that. One more for Will. [Scream] [Splat sounds] Oh fuck. [Axe drops] [Heavy breathing] Good man? Yeah. Alright guys, new plan. Let’s go home. I am hungry. I am going to get a bacon
cheeseburger. [Warehouse door opens] With extra bacon.♪ MusicDo I have any more words?
[Laughter]♪ MusicWhat do you want to do? Make a plan for some
buttfucking. Well get your wife back on the
phone. What’s my number again? All you guys wanna do is fuck in
the ass nobody will fuck a girl on her
period. What? It’s tighter.♪ MusicI’m not fucking around here. I’m
gonna need all the money by 5. We have a nail appointment at 6
and it can’t be pushed back
anymore. [Kiss] [Laughter] We’re gonna buttfuck her. Cut. [Laughter]♪ Music♪ Music[Slap] [Spit] [Laughter] Hey can I get this for my reel
for CSI? She gave another man your
coffee. Soon it’s gonna be other things. Like what? Her pussy Steve! OH! [Laughter]♪ MusicWhat it at least a good blowjob
doodle? [Laughter] What it at least a good blowjob
doodle? [Laughter]♪ MusicCome on. Let’s get you something
to straighten your dick and
clinch your sphincter. Action. [Laughter] [Laughter]♪ MusicI hear management wants to come
in and swing it around. Swing what around? Michael Malone. Get out of the shoot. [Laughter]♪ MusicMatt’s in front of us. Go. I’ll save the day. Donnie, wait. [Laughter]♪ MusicSprinkles are the spooj dripping
from unicorn sex. [Exhale] Donnie. Come on wake up. Donnie. Fuck in the butt Will. Fuck him
in the butt! Donnie, it’s Monday! Speak into the mic. Take it. Wake up buttercup! Don’t you wanna play with my
sword?

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