What does a baby computer call his father? DATA *has stroke* To fall in love, is very easy. Staying in love… Uh, I forgot the rest of it *laughter* *Applause* You might be a redneck- -when you’re sitting there, wrestling an Eskimo- -over a biscuit… … Thank you *BA DUM TSSS* *Terribly unoriginal impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger saying “get in the chopper”* heh heh heh heh That was Arnold Schwarzeneg– Why did the pony have to gargle?!?!?!? *Audience boos* ‘CAUSE HE WAS A *LITTLE HORSE* *more strange laughter* So, uh- My wife’s a vegetable… Unfortunately… It’s pretty bad… Uh.. … But- uh- she’s good on the eyes, ya know? Uh- she’s a carrot- *Heckler in the crowd* She’s a carrot… You fucker It takes millions of people to complete the world, but it only takes you, to complete mine.*shitty laughter* Do you ever wonder how rabbits travel? By HARE-plane *Weird laugh* What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? *eyebrows intensifies* Heckler: the legs The- the wheelchair The wheelchair. The wheelchair. It’s the wheelchair. It’s the wheeeeelchaaaair. Hey, so you guys ever work at a zoo before? *forced laughter from audience member* *laughing continues* Yeah, so, y’know, I’m- I’m… working at the zoo, y’know feeding the gorillas outta the, outta the, uh, bucket *laughing still continues* (He worked at a, He worked at a fucking zoo!) y’know, what have you, uhh… Y’know, uhh, I’m sittin there, uhh, feedin’ the big gorilla… Y’know, I tell the gorilla, “hey, stop monkeying around!” *sound of audience in extreme pain* Thank you! He says that if the fly drops six inches, you’ll get the fish- the bear will get that and i’ll get the bear also the hunter has crackers next to him and there’s- a mouse, can you translate to spanish please? -NO listen to me- okay.
Please! Por favor. The fly drops six inches the fish’ll get it the bear will get the fish the hunter will get that and i’ll get the crackers Sir, can you please translate to Spanish?
PAY ATTENTION- TO WHAT IM SAYING HERE.
Let me tell you something guy, i’m up here doing my best nononononononono let me tell you something Tryna make some people laugh the fly has the gun?!?!?! *sigh of excruciating, torturous pain* the hunter has the gun
Okay, okay. I’ll let you finish because I don’t understand the hunters got the gun and the crackers the cat wants the crackers the bears wants the fish the fish want the fly are we fucking on the same page here listen to what i’m saying to you but when the cat…..went he tripped and fell into the river so the morale of the story is- every time a fly drops six inches a pussy is sure to- get wet ok now say it in spanish please Dunkey: oh hey guys, it’s so great to be back does anybody ever see sesame street? -Public: yeaah -Dunkey: you know elmo? Dunkey:*god awful Elmo impersonation*hEy iTs mE ElMo -Laughter- Thank you, thank you, you’ve been a lovely audience Comedian: Tell me what the f*** you want me to joke about Dunkey: Do Elmo Other guy: Do retail stores Random Guy: SNOWMAN BUNGEE JUMPING Comedian: Snowman bungee jumping, Alright. Niche: Hey guys Niche: Where do animals go when they lose their tail? -I don’t know, where do they go? they go to the re-tail store -Pained Laughter, as if they were being held hostage pls send help- Comedian: Why do you call a Muslim a toilet? Comedian: F***ing islamic regime Random Guy: Because you’re a racist f*** -BOOOOO- Comedian: AAalll byyy myself, Dont wanna be Random Guy: American Idol is down the street! EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY COME ON Everyone: Allll byyy myself Everyone: by myyself -Comedian: don’t wanna be… Comedian: My d*** fell off … Dunkey:Remember yesterday when I went to the duck pond? ʸᵉᵃʰ Dunkey:The duck said: *Duck noise* Dunkey:Thank you Heckler:It went honk! honk! Heckler:Real fucking funny! Dunkey: It is funny you fucking piece of shit! *honk noises* Yo, you wanna fucking honk? *plays harmonica* I can do that too… Asshole *more honks and harmonica play* Fucker! Beat the shit out of you. -Continued Honking Noise while comedian pushes through the pain- I gotta… *Guys listen up! I gotta duck call too you fucker. – Guys, Hello?! -Low, deep honk- You hear it is not politically incorrect to say ‘black paint?’ What’s the fooken world coming to? Now you gotta say… “Hey Jamal can you paint that wall for us?” *Crickets Chirping* – Cheers guys, I’m here all night. Sooo yesterday, some guy asked me to flash him. So I took out my camera, turned on the flash, and I took his picture! *Crickets chirping* -Redneck Laughter- That’s not what he meant! Dunkey: It’s so great to be back here. Random Guy: Hey, you say that everytime you’re on stage! Dunkey: Sooo uhh what did the pirate say when someone said an inappropriate joke to him? Dunkey: ARGHH YOU KIDDING ME? LAUGH!!! LAUGH!!! Dunkey: Thank you. Thank you. Comedian: What do you call someone who speaks a language? Comedian: ONLY ONE LANGUAGE Comedian: An American. Comedian: AHHHH HAHHAH Comedian: Ya’ know ??punks?? one of those guys heh He doesn’t really know how loud he’s talking. But, we all have that one friend. And I gotta apologies to my sound people Random Guy: WHAT THE F*** ARE Y- Comedian: So did you know that it is politically incorrect to say black paint now What the f*** is the world coming to. Crowd: Get the f*** off the stage you piece of s*** Comedian: Ya’ know when you play that new Super Mario run game. Super Mario Run, remember that? Comedian: Everyone give it up for “armed to the teeth” as we call him Danny ??Thomas?? everybody. Disco music Dunkey: Is he invisible? Comedian: Let me tell you some Star Wars jokes. Dunkey: Yay. Comedian: Why do uhh Jedi Random Guy: YOU DON’T OWN THAT ANYMORE! So dissapointing -pop- Comedian: So uhh how ’bout a SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS ! Crowd: NO! BOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Dunkey: Hey guys, SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS! Ayyy Crowd: -Cheering- Comedian: Hey everybody it’s me. Hideo Kojima. Heckler: The Sims 3 Sucked Dunkey: Hey guys, Hideo Kojima here. Uhhh you know when I was working on Metal Gear 5 The Phantom Pain I wanted to add in a feature Comedian: Hey everybody, Hideo Kojima here. Do you like bobble heads? Comedian: I just want to accept the game award For the VGA’s Comedian: Hey guys, it’s Todd Howard here. Random Guy: No it’s not! Todd, We’re not buying your game. Comedian: No no, it’s a new game. It’s a new IP! And it’s gonna be another Switch exclusive. You’re also gonna buy the figures and you’re gonna put then on the screen. Random Guy: You don’t put them on the fucking screen you put them on the controller you retard. Dunkey: Haha what a great audience we have tonight. Our next guest, is a video game legend. Please ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for Mister Hideo Kojima Thank you. Hideo Kojima: When I developed Metal Gear Solid 5 I tried to make sure that the horse mechanics were right. I’m in- WHaT iS ThE deAL WiTh HIdEo KAjiMA? WhAT iS- hiS g gaMe TAkE sO mUch TiMe tO mAaAaakE WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!? -jazz rendition of Super Mario World theme-