Crazy Rich Nation | The Daily Show


male announcer:
From Comedy Central’s
World News Headquarters
in New York…
“The Daily Show
with Trevor Noah” presents:
[boisterous trap music]♪ ♪“Crazy Rich Nation.”♪ ♪– Robert Kraft. Last month, the billionaire
New England Patriots owner was charged
with paying for hand jobs at a Florida massage parlor. Well today, he might’ve
gotten his happy ending. – Just in, an offer
is now on the table for New England Patriots owner
Robert Kraft, who is charged
with two counts of solicitation in connection
with a South Florida day spa. Prosecutors have offered
to drop those charges if Kraft admits he would’ve
been found guilty at trial. – This would also include
some punishment. It would include 100 hours
of community service, an education course
about prostitution, and a screening for STDs. [laughter] – A screening for STDs? Like, what is all of this? Rich people get deals
that I’ve never heard of. “Admit you would have
been found guilty and we’ll let you go”? [bleep] outta here, man!
[laughter] At least make him admit it
in a room full of Eagles fans, then we’ll see some punishment,
you know? This is insane! “We’ll only let you go
if you’re guilty!” What? Like, rich people are already
living in another world. And also, he has to take
an education course about prostitution?
[laughter] Uh, if you’ve read the reports, he should be
the professor, okay? [laughter] The guy has
hands-on experience, if you know
what I mean.♪ ♪The college admissions scandal. For the past few weeks, the whole country
has been rocked by the news that
hundreds of parents have been accused
of bribing their kids’ way into America’s
elite colleges, and also USC. And now–
[audience groans and laughs] And now,
some of the people involved are beginning
to face the consequences. – Breaking news:
A major college scandal. The feds bust up
a large-scale scheme helping students cheat
on their college entrance exams to get into top schools.– Two of those parents accusedare actresses Felicity Huffman
and Lori Loughlin.
Both have been charged
with felonies
for conspiracy
to commit mail fraud.
– Holy crap.
This is insane! The FBI has just busted
dozens of rich parents for bribing colleges
to accept their kids. And not just any rich people,
some celebrities. I’m so disappointed in you,
Aunt Becky. [laughter] I mean, I expected this
from a desperate housewife, but you?
[laughter] Now, details of the scandal are
still coming in, but already, some of the allegations
are mind-blowing, all right? Felicity Huffman allegedly
paid $15,000 to help her daughter
get in to top schools. And Aunt Becky, get this, allegedly paid $500,000
to get her daughter into USC. Honestly, for that amount of
money, just buy a smarter kid. [laughter] Now, the alleged mastermind
of this entire scheme is a man named William Singer,
all right? Parents paid him
millions of dollars and then he
spread those bribes around.– According to prosecutors,the scheme involved
two kinds of fraud.
Parents paying
a college prep organization
to help their children cheat
on SAT or ACT exams,
and others paying to allegedly
bribe college coaches
to help admit
the students as athletes
regardless of their
athletic skill.
– Singer went as far as toPhotoshop kids’ pictures
into sporting events,
even made up
athletic achievements.
– In one instance,
a parent sending this photo
showing their daughter playing
water polo in high school,
but in fact the photo
was another student.
– Oo-wee! The balls on these people!
[laughter] To just literally Photoshop
their kids’ faces onto the bodies
of real athletes. And I also can’t believe
nobody noticed this. ‘Cause the parent
was just there, like, “We’re so proud
of our little Joshua. “He is, like, here is during
the state championship game”… [laughter] “And here he is in the spring when he won the gold medal
at the track meet.” [laughter] So, reportedly–reportedly, these college coaches
would take bribes to pretend that they
needed these “non-athletes” on their teams, and then once the kids
got into the school, the kids would just never play.– A wiretapped transcriptdetails a father and Singer
creating a plan
to trick USC into thinking
his son was a football kicker.
The father, laughing,
telling Singer,
“That’s just
totally hilarious,”
admitting
his son’s high school
“doesn’t have
a football team.”
– The FBI says some parentsdisguised their payments
to Singer
as contributions
to a charity he ran
so they could deduct
the payments
on their income taxes.– Wow. Wow.
[audience groans] So not only were they laughing
about scamming these schools; it turns out they
were also scamming the IRS. How greedy can a person be? ‘Cause, I mean, they’re
already committing bribery, and then on top of that,
they claim it was to charity to get their bribes back
from the IRS? Like, they just added
a bonus crime to the crime that
they already committed. That was not necessary. It’s like you’re robbing a bank
and on the way out, you start stealing the pens.
“While I’m here…” [laughter]
Meh! So these parents
could be facing some pretty serious time. Um, knowing them,
they’re probably trying to bribe their way into
the best prisons, you know? They’re probably like, “Why should you accept me
into your prison? “Well, I actually ran
the library at Shawshank. Here’s a photo of me”…
[laughter] doing that, so, uh”…
[applause] I think you should let me in.” [applause] Obviously, obviously,
I’m joking. None of these rich people are
actually gonna go to prison. Come on.
No, I’m being serious. At worst, they’re probably
gonna get community service. Yeah, like, they’ll have
to pick up trash in Beverly Hills,
and be like, “Oh, another $100 bill
on the ground. Ba-ha.
So dirty.” This whole
college admissions scandal has brought up
a wider conversation about a couple of things. For instance,
what’s going to happen to “Fuller House”
without Aunt Becky, you know? Personally,
I don’t think they need her, because if you ask me, that house
was already too full.– E! News is also reportingthat she thought prosecutors
were bluffing about jail time
when she and her husband
turned down the initial offer.
– You can’t be serious.
[laughter] Aunt Becky turned down
a plea deal because she thought
the prosecutors were bluffing? You see, that’s what happens when you’re in Hollywood
for too long, all right? You just assume everyone around
you is also acting, yeah? She’s just like, “Wow, these
prison bars feel so real! “Now for this beatdown scene,
are we using a stunt double? Is that’s what’s gonna happen?” – A first of 33 parents charged in the massive
college admission scandal is preparing to plead guilty. California entrepreneur
Peter Jan Sartoriomade the revelation
in a court filing yesterday.
That came as actresses
Felicity Huffman
and Lori Loughlin,
along with ten other parents,
appeared before a judge
in Boston yesterday.
– When she arrived
in Boston Tuesday,
the “Full House” star was seen
signing autographs for fans.
– Lori, Lori, Lori!
Pay for my tuition, Lori! [laughter] [applause] – Oh, wow.
That’s priceless! And, you know, we’re laughing, but that’s actually
a great idea, right? No, because, let’s be honest. Prisons are already full. Instead of prison,
their punishment should be that they have to pay tuition
for everyone. That’s it. They’ve got the money.
[cheers and applause] Let’s just do that. And also… why is Aunt Becky
signing autographs at court? What are you doing? If I was the prosecutor
I would be like, “Oh my God, Aunt Becky,
can you sign this? A-ha, a confession!
I got her, I got her!”male announcer:
“Crazy Rich Nation.”
[upbeat music]male announcer:
“Crazy Rich Nation.”
[crowd ohhs]
– [laughs] [laughter and applause] Oh, man. Jussie Smollett. A month ago,
few people knew who he was. If you heard
“Jussie Smollett,” you were either
talking to a huge fan of the show “Empire,” or you overheard a drunk guy
trying to order an omelette. “What will you be having, sir?” “Just a Smollette
with extra ham.” [laughter] But now, the whole world
knows Jussie’s name, and it’s for all
the wrong reasons. – “Empire” actor Jussie
Smollett is in police custody after turning
himself in overnight. He is accused
of faking a hate crimeafter his story of being
attacked by racists
fell to pieces.– Smollett has been charged
with disorderly conduct
for filing
a false police report,which is a felony
in the state of Illinois.
– Police say Smollett
planned this attack
because he was allegedly
upset by how much
he was being paid
by the show “Empire.”
– Are you kidding me? This dude may have
faked a hate crime just to get a raise? I don’t understand.
Like, what’s the logic there? You get your ass beat, and then you go
to your boss and be like, “Hey can I get
another million dollars? I need to buy some BAND-AIDs.”
What was the thinking? That is not a good
way to get a raise, people. I mean, call me old fashioned,
but whatever happened to just going
into your boss’s office, and blackmailing
him with nudes? Okay?
[laughter] This is such a petty reason
to pull off such a major crime. Imagine if we found out
the reason Tupac faked his own death
was just to get out of a Blockbuster late fee. That would be insane! We know that didn’t happen.
What really happened was Tupac was murdered
by Blockbuster because he didn’t
return “Forrest Gump.” Those guys didn’t mess around! So Chicago police have
put together a story of what they believe
really happened. And they’re confident enough
to charge Smollett. And the reason they’re
confident enough to charge him is because it looks
like Jussie and the brothers who reportedly
fake the attack with him left no shortage
of incriminating evidence. – Police say they tracked
these two brothers down via the ride share
car service that they used. – We know that the police have the cell phones
of the young men. – There were conversations
between Smollett and these two
Nigerian Americans an hour
before the attack, an hour after
the attack, and when they
traveled to Nigeria.– Police say Smollett paid
the brothers a total of $3,500
via check and then
promised a $500 follow-up.
– They’re saying he paid his
accomplices with a check? [laughter] What, did he also write
“Fake Hate Crime” in the memo? [laughter] Even amateurs know
if you commit a crime, you go all cash, people,
no paper trail! You’ve never seen a movie
where the bad guys are like, “I need you to get
rid of someone for me. “Now, who do I
make this check out to? “Is that ‘Knuckles’
with a ‘K’? “Ah, crap, I gotta start again, I keep writing 2018
on all my murder checks.” [groans angrily] So if he did do this, Smollett did a horrible job
with this fake crime. In fact, the Chicago police
also claimed today that Smollett wanted his hate
crime to be caught on camera. But it turns out,
that didn’t go right either.– Police say they went
over security video
from dozens of pod cameras,
but the staged attack itself
was never captured by
a rotating security camera.
– I believe that Mr. Smollett wanted it on camera,
but unfortunately, that particular camera wasn’t
pointed in that direction. [laughter] You’ve gotta be shitting me. He wanted to be caught, but he didn’t
get caught on camera because he didn’t know which
way the camera was pointing? You’re an actor.
That’s your only job! Your only job!
[cheers and applause] How do you not know? Now I’m starting
to think that Jussie was probably
on the set of “Empire” like, “What do you mean
my father doesn’t– “Oh, sorry. Sorry.
Where is it? “What do you mean? “Don’t you
tell me about Cookie! “I think we got this.
Can I get a raise? Can I get a raise now?” So Jussie is potentially
going to prison for a while, and in his wake,
he’s screwed over everyone. Think about it. Members of the gay community
are emotionally terrorized over something that
turned out to be a hoax. Trump supporters are upset
about being falsely accused. And Democrat candidates– Democratic candidates are
tying themselves into knots trying to walk back
their initial statements calling this
a modern day lynching. Nobody won in this thing. I mean, the only winner here,
really, is Subway. No, because before this story, I didn’t know
they were open at 2:00 a.m. Did you guys know that?
I didn’t know that. I genuinely didn’t know that.
[cheers and applause] The point is nobody won. But there is a silver lining. When this started out,
it was a story about people who hated Jussie Smollett
because he was black and gay. Now, people hate him
because he’s an asshole. [laughter] In other words,
they’re judging him on the content
of his character, and not the color
of his skin. And that, my friends,
is progress. We’ll be right back.announcer:
“Crazy Rich Nation.”
[upbeat music]male announcer:
“Crazy Rich Nation.”
[boisterous trap music]♪ ♪– Socialism. It’s starting
to get more popular in America, and it’s making Fox News
more afraid than Mike Pence at a screening
of “Bohemian Rhapsody.” – The rise of socialism
has never been more clear. – Now you have AOC and you have a hundred of these members of
Congress openly embracing this.– Socialism is
not only dangerous,
but it is also evil.– This Green New Deal,
this is sugarcoated socialism. It’s like sugarcoating poison. Sweet at the front,
deadly at the end. – Ooh, sweet at the front,
deadly at the end! You talking
about socialism or Willy Wonka’s
chocolate factory? What are you talking about?
[laughter] Yeah, uh,
that was deadly at the end. You know how many kids died?
We don’t talk about that. That is not a children’s story, it’s a horror movie
with fun music! [laughter] For more on the rise
of socialism in America, we turn to a man who always
makes me pay for dinner, my friend, Neal Brennan,
everybody! [cheers and applause] – Hey buddy,
we should grab dinner soon. – No thanks. So Neal, um,
who’s responsible for socialism’s
popularity right now? Is it Bernie Sanders? Uh, is it Elizabeth Warren,
Ocasio-Cortez? – Mmm, no. I’ll tell you
who’s responsible. Rich people. Rich people have done
more for socialism than Bernie, AOC,
and Elizabeth Warren combined. Which, by the way, would be a
very unpleasant-looking person. [laughter] – [screams]
Take that away, take that away! Uh, okay, but Neal,
I don’t understand. How can rich people
be responsible for socialism if they hate it? – Because they keep rubbing
their money in people’s faces, with their tax dodging
and wealth flaunting and financial corruption. When it comes to socialism,
I don’t blame Uncle Bernie, I blame Aunt Becky. [laughter] It wasn’t enough
that she’s a TV star and married to a millionaire, she still had to scam her
daughter’s way into college. You had everything, why cheat? It’s like if the Hulk
got caught doing steroids. [laughter] For what?
Hulk, no. [laughter] Steroids redundant. Also, Hulk balls shrink.
[laughter] Mrs. Hulk no happy.
[laughter] So when people see
that admissions scandal, and then Bernie comes along
and says, “We should tax the rich
and make college free,” I get why Americans
would think, “Yeah, college should be free.” I agree with white Yoda.
[laughter] – So you think socialism
is just a natural reaction to capitalism that’s run amok. It’s basically, like, putting up speed bumps because
people are driving too fast. – Yup. Because rich people
are out here Tokyo driftin’
with their dicks out. [laughter] Look at Amazon– they wanted a new home for
their corporate headquarters, so Jeff Bezos made cities
audition for him like a spoiled king. “Pittsburgh, entertain me.” [laughter] “Birmingham, my feet are sore.
Rub them.” [laughter] “Cute, but I’m going
with New York.” And Amazon picked New York
partly because New York offered them
$3 billion. So if more New Yorkers
are going socialist, don’t blame AOC,
blame Jeff Bezos. He’s worth $144 billion. You know how rich that is? Even if you started
earning $50 million a year, guess how long it would take for you to reach
Jeff Bezos’ level. 2,880 years. Now imagine being that rich
and still being like, “Yah, I’ll come to your city, but you’ve gotta
give me money.” [laughter] – Sweet lord,
that is super rich. – I know. To get that money, LeBron would
have to stay on the Lakers until the year 4899.
[laughter] And they probably still
won’t make the playoffs. [audience laughs and groans] The Knicks won’t either.
[laughter] By the way, having super rich people
in charge doesn’t help, either. Last week,
our billionaire president proposed cuts to Medicaid, the program that gives
health insurance to the poor. This is a guy who can afford
the best doctors in the world and he still wants
to take health care away from poor people. My God, the assholery.
[laughter] It’s not enough you’re already in the
VIP section sipping Cristal, you also want
to walk around the club slapping Bud Lights
out of other people’s hands. [laughter] And yes, Bud Light
is the Medicaid of beers. [laughter] Dilly dilly.
[laughter] So when people see
budget cuts like that, then hear Elizabeth Warren
pitching Medicare for all, you can’t be shocked
when 57% of them are like, “Yeah, I’m with
Senator Librarian on this.” [cheers and applause] Because the best salesmen
for socialism aren’t the leftie politicians,
it’s the ultra-wealthy. Forget Che Guevara, we should put the real heroes
of socialism on t-shirts: Rich dicks. – Neal Brennan, everyone!male announcer:
“Crazy Rich Nation.”
[upbeat music]male announcer:
“Crazy Rich Nation.”
[boisterous trap music]♪ ♪– There’s a new report tonight that President Trump
may have lied his way onto “Forbes” magazine annual
list of richest Americans back in the 1980s.Trump first made the list
in 1982
with a reported net worth
of $100 million,
but the documents later proved
he was only worth $5 million.
He lied abouthow many apartments
the Trump Organization owned,
how much the units
were worth,
and that Trump,
not his father,
owned the apartments.– That’s right,
all the way back in 1982, Trump apparently got onto
the first “Forbes” list by lying about his net worth and claiming that
the stuff that his dad owned was actually his. But it turns out
that Trump’s lie may have gotten him
a whole lot more than just
some flattering press. – Because Donald never had
an actual statement of his assets
and his liabilities. He used the Forbes 400 and this statement
of inflated assets to borrow billions and billions
of dollars which he used
to build Atlantic City and over-leverage himself. – You’re saying he wanted
to use the “Forbes” list to fraudulently
induce people to fund him in ways
they otherwise would not? – That’s correct. – Okay, I don’t know about
you, but this is mind-blowing. Trump lied
to get onto the “Forbes” list. Then the “Forbes” list
cemented him as a mogul, and then he
used his mogul status to get to the White House. Because remember, his success story wasn’t just
a minor detail of who he was, it was the very heart
of his campaign. – “Forbes” just came out and they said I’m worth
$4 1/2 or $5 billion. I’m really rich. I’m not even saying that,
in a brag– that’s the kind of mindset,
that’s the kind of thinking you need for this…country. So look, I’m–
I’m really a good businessman, I’m so good at business. Oh, you people are gonna
be so rich so fast, you don’t even… [applause] You don’t know
how rich you’re gonna be.[laughter]You’re gonna go
from a debtor nation and it’s gonna…
[imitates rocket] You’re gonna say,
“Wow, what happened?” – You know, in retrospect, I feel like we should’ve asked
what [imitates rocket] means. [laughter] ‘Cause, like, “Huh, turns out
[imitates rocket] Was a Muslim ban,
who would’ve thought?” “Yeah, I didn’t know,
I didn’t know.” If I was a Trump supporter,
I would be so pissed, because I voted for a rich guy
who was always successful, not some trickster who lied
his way onto the “Forbes” list. Like, if I find out he’s not
racist, I will be so mad! [laughter] So mad!male announcer:
“Crazy Rich Nation.”

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