CUT FROM THE PICTURE / STORY

CUT FROM THE PICTURE / STORY


– Picture days. There is a pressure that
comes with those, you know, especially school picture days. I was awful. I mean just awful at pictures. I could never get a good one. I never had a good school picture day. Look this is me day one. First picture probably
that I’ve ever took. And I’m not even smiling. Fricking first grade huh? That’s the face of pain. There’s third grade, right there. That’s the face of I’ve
got big stick of Chapstick in my pocket and it’s
all mine. (evil laugh) I don’t even know you. That’s when I thought fricking
shell choker necklaces were awesome. (laughs) I don’t have a fricking, I
don’t have a 4th grade picture. I do have a picture of
me in the 4th grade. There I am in a fricking
mullet, cut-off acid wash jeans and roller blades. So this is where our story begins. It’s picture day eve, okay. And I’m taking a bath
in my parent’s bathroom. Giving the old upstairs
cheeks a little workout, practicing smiles. (laughs) Hey! So in mid-training I see a comb, just nestled on the tub’s ledge. So I decided to induce
a little bit of combing into my regiment. And after an hour of just dynamite smiles and perfect combing etiquette, I get out of the lukewarm
water’s of the tub. So I’m drying off and I get to my hair and I’m drying that off. And I friggin’ take it down
and I look into the towel and There was accumulation. I mean I see chunks of hair in the towel. I mean just chunks! So monumental that you
need a Costco membership to experience it. There’s a lot of hair accumulated. Accumulation! (laughs hysterically) And then, then I look into the mirror and I see just patches of hair gone. It was like an inverted Lego. Just gone. And I emit a mayday. It was a slow-building screech for help. (imitates tone) And then I turned into
a pre-teen teradactyl, just teetering on puberty. (growl) My dad hurls into the bathroom and he sees his second born, hands just forever reaching clumps of hair in Twink’s hands. Patches of hair misses from Twink’s head. My dad wanted answers pretty quickly, but all I could say was, I was combing. My dad begins to investigate
the surroundings. And that is when he
see’s the comb with hair still stuck in it. He holds it up and he
says, this isn’t a comb. It’s a razor. The apparatus that I had
been raking through my mane for over an hour was a Bic razor. I had no idea. I thought it was a fancy
comb with a great handle. I mean most things I did
not know when I was a kid, I thought was a comb. First time I heard of duvet,
fricking what a fantastic comb that must be. I remember I asked my dad, how bad is it? It’s not good. And it’s bad enough to
discover the wonders of a hat. And I did, an old Orlando Magic hat. Wasn’t even a fan of Orlando Magic, I thought it was a hat that just displayed your love for magic. And Orlando was where
the guild was located but turns out that was not the case. Turns out it’s a basketball team and that was a crushing revelation. So my dad tries to calm me down and he kneels down and he looks at me and he tells me this
thing to say to people if they ask about my hair. And strangely, it like
comforts the crap out of me. I felt so okay about this. I thought, yeah, I can do this. Picture day arrives. I’m standing there in the library with my Orlando Magic hat on. My turn comes and I sit on this stool in front of a background the
90s wish it could forget. And the photographer, the
first thing he says to me right off the cricket stick is, can you take that hat off for me? He tries so hard to persuade
me to take the hat off. How about you take the hat off? And it starts to become a scene. The pressure starts mounting. And I take the hat off. The photographer just does this loud gasp. (Gasp) Doesn’t say a word, gets the principal. The principal pops in,
just does this thing. Pulls me out of the library. I’m in the hallway,
she’s in my face saying, what, what happened to you? I say the only thing that
my dad told me to say in this moment. My dad’s fricking comforting
words of alleviation. So I fricking look at her and I say, the barber was, he was out
so the bartender cut my hair. I explode into laughter. (laughs) The barber, the barber (laughs). The bartender just (laughs) The joke was lost on them. And so (laughs) I remember
I try to say it again. I try to get them to understand. The barber was out, so the
bartender he cut my hair. (laughs) He cut (laughs) it was like bottle. (laughs hysterically) It’s a little rough. It was at that time,
they called my parents. My mom comes down. So my mother walks into
the principal’s office sees me with my head down, hatless. The principal weasels her way out and she says, hello Mrs. Rogers,
thank you for coming down. I’m afraid we have
concerns with your child. And she points at me, like my mom didn’t fricking
know who her child was. My mom was like, what,
what fricking concerns? Your son’s hair I’m sorry
to say, is unappropriate for school. That’s why I gave him a hat. Where is his hat? The principal gives my mom my Magic hat, like it’s a fricking crime to have a hat. What like a ABP ABBPB (laughs), put an ABBP (laughs). Put out an APB on a hat. The principal finally
says, I am sorry to say but I cannot permit your
son to have a class photo. My mom says very calmly, since you felt the need to
have called me out of work and deprive my son of a class photo. I’m going to take him to go get a picture with his hat on. And then, the best part of
this whole fricking thing. Is while maintaining eye contact, she walks up to her desk,
where she had a bowl of Jolly Ranchers. Takes one Rancher up, doesn’t eat it, doesn’t give it to me,
doesn’t do anything with it but walk over where there’s a trash can. Drops it in the trash can. (laughs) You hear the tink of it
in the empty trash can, just echo very softly through the office. And then it dissipates and
then you hear the woosh of her 90s windbreaker turn. And she says, now we’ve
wasted each other’s time. Grabs me and walks out. I love you mom! (laughs) What a freak, apply a burn-aid to that. It was such a burn. You can smell sulphur in the air. Talk about a verbal, you
can, right to this face. (imitates explosion) Oh man, and she didn’t even
take me to get a picture. We went to Walgreens and loaded up on a whole bunch of candy, snuck it into a matinee of Flipper. Flipper.

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  1. Baby: I don't even know how to talk yet

    Toddler:what's a picture?

    Kid: TRY TO SMILLEEEE PLZZZ

    teen:wtf

    Adult: heeyyyyy๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ณ

    40ds:AAAAAHHHH DONT WANA PICTUREEE

    elder:ohh hiii ii loovee pictures

    Deds:โšฐ๐Ÿ˜ข. ๐Ÿ’€๐Ÿ™ƒ

  2. Mom's are the best aren't they! I remember numerous times that my mother came into my school..I will just leave it at that. Lol

  3. This story and the one about his Mother giving third grade him advice on dating/revenge are enough to convince me he has the coooolest Mother in the entiire world.

  4. "Here I am… with a mullet, cutoff acid-wash jeans…. AND ROLLER BLADES "

    Also, my High School literally does not allow hats in the school whatsoever.

  5. Every once in a while I come back to these stories and they're like big plates of your favorite comfort food and they make me smile every time.

  6. The Snack Thief and now this! I hope your mom is in more of your stories because I freakinโ€™ love her!

  7. Your mom is freaking INCREDIBLE. And I've dealt with crap teachers and principals like that before. I'm sorry man, but you won in the end. ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. Olan, why didnโ€™t your parents just buzzcut your hair after the โ€œcombโ€ incident? XD

  9. Your videos make me laugh at a terrible time in my life. Thank you very much for what you do. You may not even realize how much positive impact you can have just sitting down telling a story with all your comedic gifts.

  10. oh my word. I once gave my younger brother a bald spot trying to "cut" his hair, but then I lucked out and was sick the next day when my family went to church. True story.

  11. Why not just give you a buzz cut? Better than going to school with missing hair patches like the felt on an old pool table.๐Ÿ˜—

  12. โ€œHow bad is it?โ€
    โ€œItโ€™s not good, and itโ€™s bad to discover the wonders of a hat.โ€
    This part besides the screech killed me!!

  13. Never saw Flipper in theaters, but I saw it on VHS. Adore that movie. You have the best parents I have ever heard of.

  14. Honestly if I went to your elementary school I wouldโ€™ve of 100% have a crush on you during your 3rd grade

  15. You were so adorable!!! Our mothers would have been besties because she was the same way with us. My sister got called into the principal and tried to say she was causing issues and my mom turned it around on him soon fast he didn't know what to say. He started out so cocky and ended up stuttering like a child when she was done with him. Don't mess with Mama ๐Ÿป

  16. That was so fucking stupid why the hell would the principle call a child's parent over having their hair "not appropriate" for a class photo

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