Daniel Sloss – 2016 Melbourne International Comedy Festival Gala

Daniel Sloss – 2016 Melbourne International Comedy Festival Gala


Evening. My mum’s had 4 kids. You can tell that she loves us all the same but after the first two you know the magic kind of went. She always goes on
about how she was blessed with me and she was gifted with my sister. Then she had my brother and she’ll
always remember the day that she was diagnosed with the other one. *crowd laughs* I think one of the hardest things about
being a parent must be Christmas morning when you spend all this time, money and
effort making this day so magical and then you look down at your child with
those beautiful blue eyes that you hope resemble yours and they spend the whole day thanking Santa. You know that disappointment the parents feel in that moment? That’s exactly how doctors feel whenever you thank God *crowd laughs* Mr. Darcy we are delighted to announce
that your cancer has gone into remission. Oh, oh thank the Lord. *crowd laughs* What? No, sorry, it’s just funny, I just couldn’t
see his name anywhere on this chart. I can see my name right at the top there, Dr. Michaels. Sat with you through two and a half months of chemotherapy. You’re welcome by the
way. Dr. Connors over there she spent six hours cutting a tumor our of your lung. Got the names of all the wait staff all the nurse staff here. Can’t seem to find the Lord’s name. *crowd laughs* Yes, but, but, but, but the Lord sent you. *crowds laugh* I don’t think he did. He certainly didn’t chip in for that
medical degree. *crowd laughs* In fact if I remember correctly you came to me, I
diagnosed you and then I specified the treatment. In fact if I cast my memory
even further back, he’s the one that gave you cancer. *crowd laughs* Why? Maybe because you’re an ungrateful
f*ck. *crowd laughs* Thank you. I told that joke in America one time. Hmm.
Not big fans. I overheard a man complaining about that joke afterwards to a member of staff. Word for word this is what he said. That
boy is awful. That boy is disgusting. He is exactly what is wrong with this
world. You can make fun of the blacks. You can make fun of the queers. You could even make fun of the coloured
ones but nobody makes fun of Jesus. *crowd laughs* Yeah, and he didn’t appreciate when I then took the time to explain to him that technically, technically, Jesus was
one of the coloured ones. *crowd laughs* Jesus was born in Bethlehem which is in
the middle east, so had he been white that would have been the f*cking miracle.
He would have been the only white guy for 400 miles and it would have blown
people’s minds. Oh look he’s turning water into wine. He’s
a different colour!! *crowd laughs* Why is no one mentioning this? We live
in the desert the Sun is always in the sky. Yet somehow he’s got the complexion
of a snowman. *crowd laughs* Whatever those are, *crowd laughs* Because the sad fact is if Jesus was
alive today he would not get through American customs. *crowd laughs* That’s a fact. He’d get there and things
would get a little bit tense. Just one security guy just there like… Dave… Dave… DAVID! *crowd laughs* Yes, beauty McSandals, who else would I
be talking about? And then Jesus would get there and they’d make him do this. Really guys, really? We’re doing this again? You guys have been great, have a wonderful evening. Cheers.

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  1. Bethlehem is modern day Palestine – google : Palestine male they are white or tan but not black which would be Jesus

  2. OMG !!!! I'm American & I thought he was so funny !!! I got the jokes 𗀄𗀄

    I love my country ( WELL !!!! Except Trump & Flying )

  3. You seem like a nice guy but you are definitely not funny. I am not sure there is much reason to continue with your comedy, Daniel. Sorry, mate.

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