Tonight we’re gonna talk about
dick pics. [ Audience whooping ] Yeah, agreed. Guys are sending them out
all willy nilly with really no effort,
no artistry. I mean, it’s like
they haven’t even considered that we’re gonna share them
with all of our friends. [ Laughter ] Dick pics are just lazy, and I wanted to prove that there
was more that we could do with their junk. So I found some dudes
on Craigslist, and I hired
a professional photographer so we could take their dongs
to the next level. [ Cheers and applause ] All right, guys, I know what
I like to see in dick pics, and it’s not what
you all have provided. I want to see you. I want to see what you’re into. I want to see your interests. Or I just want to see your dick. [ Laughter ] I’ll show it to you. I will see it later. [ Laughter ] Let’s do it. It’s awesome. I love that you left
your socks on. That’s a great look. I want to showcase you as,
like, a foodie for this picture. I want to put your dick
in a bánh mi bun. -[ Laughs ]
-If you want mayonnaise, you have to supply that
yourself, but, like, we’ll… We’re good.
[ Chuckles ] [ Camera shutter clicks ] Excuse me.
There’s a hair in my sandwich. [ Laughs ] I want to focus on something
that a girl would be like, “Ooh, like,
he’s well read.” So let’s just set your dick
on a book. Maybe, like, let’s flip
a page over and just like,
“Ooh, peekaboo.” So, I found this, like,
adoptable puppies flyer. Perfect. [ Camera shutter clicks ] Oh, my God.
They’re so cute. -Do you play guitar?
-Call me Hendrix. Do we have anything
smaller? We have a ukulele.
-Thank you. I think this would be better
for everyone. Yes. [ Laughter and applause] There once was a blonde girl
named Nikki Stop it. Nope. Done. Every, like,
fat Hawaiian man just died. [ Chuckles ] All right, guys, what we’ve done
so far has been great. We made your dicks beautiful. Now let’s make them
unforgettable. Okay, Jay, we want to give you,
like, a look where it’s like you’re going
back to school. It’s leaning against
this locker. Okay. We need your dick
to kind of, like, maybe stand up
a little bit. Is there any way
you can reach around? Oh, no. Looks like I’m gonna
have to do this myself. I’m a doctor, I’m a doctor,
I’m a doctor. [ Laughter ] [ Camera shutter clicks ] Oh, my gosh.
This is amazing. He puts the “cum”
in “homecoming.” So, your dick is just,
like, relaxing. Have you ever had tweezers
next to your dick? [ Camera shutter clicking ] Have you ever been — [ Laughing ] Please just be professional,
okay? I’m putting little, tiny
cucumbers on your penis. Really love this. Okay, I am super excited
about this one. We are gonna take your dick
to Paris. [ Camera shutter clicking ]Oui, oui.Oui, oui.I wish your dick could have
a cigarette, but, you know, we don’t want to influence
the kids that you might be
sending this to. [ Laughter ] A tisket, a tasket. Your dick’s carrying
a basket. [ Chuckles ] ILouvrethis. [ Camera shutter clicks ] Congrats, you guys. Send the picture. One, two, three. Send! [ Cellphone chimes ] Oh, shit.
[ Laughs ] What’d she say, what’d she say,
what’d she say? She said,
“Worst paper cut ever.” Yes! Yes! [ Cellphone chimes ] I got a response, too. “Can’t wait to get my
recommended daily serving of dick and cilantro.” [ Laughs ] That’s a success. Look at you.
You’re glowing. This was not the face
of a guy who had just sent
a normal, old dick pic. And for all you guys
who didn’t get responses, it’s probably ’cause they’re
just masturbating feverishly. So, we did it. Yes! [ Camera shutter clicks ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughs ] What do you guys think? Did those dick pics
impress you? I’m like Shania Twain. They don’t impress me much. [ Laughter ] You know, Nikki, I tried to do my own
dick diorama in high school, but it was not
well-received. [ Laughter ] At the science fair?
No? I had to do the moon landing,
you know. Just one small step for man,
one big, old dick for that ass. [ Laughter and applause ]