D**k Pic Photo Shoot – Not Safe with Nikki Glaser

D**k Pic Photo Shoot – Not Safe with Nikki Glaser

Tonight we’re gonna talk about
dick pics. [ Audience whooping ] Yeah, agreed. Guys are sending them out
all willy nilly with really no effort,
no artistry. I mean, it’s like
they haven’t even considered that we’re gonna share them
with all of our friends. [ Laughter ] Dick pics are just lazy, and I wanted to prove that there
was more that we could do with their junk. So I found some dudes
on Craigslist, and I hired
a professional photographer so we could take their dongs
to the next level. [ Cheers and applause ] All right, guys, I know what
I like to see in dick pics, and it’s not what
you all have provided. I want to see you. I want to see what you’re into. I want to see your interests. Or I just want to see your dick. [ Laughter ] I’ll show it to you. I will see it later. [ Laughter ] Let’s do it. It’s awesome. I love that you left
your socks on. That’s a great look. I want to showcase you as,
like, a foodie for this picture. I want to put your dick
in a bánh mi bun. -[ Laughs ]
-If you want mayonnaise, you have to supply that
yourself, but, like, we’ll… We’re good.
[ Chuckles ] [ Camera shutter clicks ] Excuse me.
There’s a hair in my sandwich. [ Laughs ] I want to focus on something
that a girl would be like, “Ooh, like,
he’s well read.” So let’s just set your dick
on a book. Maybe, like, let’s flip
a page over and just like,
“Ooh, peekaboo.” So, I found this, like,
adoptable puppies flyer. Perfect. [ Camera shutter clicks ] Oh, my God.
They’re so cute. -Do you play guitar?
-Call me Hendrix. Do we have anything
smaller? We have a ukulele.
-Thank you. I think this would be better
for everyone. Yes. [ Laughter and applause] There once was a blonde girl
named Nikki Stop it. Nope. Done. Every, like,
fat Hawaiian man just died. [ Chuckles ] All right, guys, what we’ve done
so far has been great. We made your dicks beautiful. Now let’s make them
unforgettable. Okay, Jay, we want to give you,
like, a look where it’s like you’re going
back to school. It’s leaning against
this locker. Okay. We need your dick
to kind of, like, maybe stand up
a little bit. Is there any way
you can reach around? Oh, no. Looks like I’m gonna
have to do this myself. I’m a doctor, I’m a doctor,
I’m a doctor. [ Laughter ] [ Camera shutter clicks ] Oh, my gosh.
This is amazing. He puts the “cum”
in “homecoming.” So, your dick is just,
like, relaxing. Have you ever had tweezers
next to your dick? [ Camera shutter clicking ] Have you ever been — [ Laughing ] Please just be professional,
okay? I’m putting little, tiny
cucumbers on your penis. Really love this. Okay, I am super excited
about this one. We are gonna take your dick
to Paris. [ Camera shutter clicking ]Oui, oui.Oui, oui.I wish your dick could have
a cigarette, but, you know, we don’t want to influence
the kids that you might be
sending this to. [ Laughter ] A tisket, a tasket. Your dick’s carrying
a basket. [ Chuckles ] ILouvrethis. [ Camera shutter clicks ] Congrats, you guys. Send the picture. One, two, three. Send! [ Cellphone chimes ] Oh, shit.
[ Laughs ] What’d she say, what’d she say,
what’d she say? She said,
“Worst paper cut ever.” Yes! Yes! [ Cellphone chimes ] I got a response, too. “Can’t wait to get my
recommended daily serving of dick and cilantro.” [ Laughs ] That’s a success. Look at you.
You’re glowing. This was not the face
of a guy who had just sent
a normal, old dick pic. And for all you guys
who didn’t get responses, it’s probably ’cause they’re
just masturbating feverishly. So, we did it. Yes! [ Camera shutter clicks ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughs ] What do you guys think? Did those dick pics
impress you? I’m like Shania Twain. They don’t impress me much. [ Laughter ] You know, Nikki, I tried to do my own
dick diorama in high school, but it was not
well-received. [ Laughter ] At the science fair?
No? I had to do the moon landing,
you know. Just one small step for man,
one big, old dick for that ass. [ Laughter and applause ]

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  1. Ron Funches is so sweet I just want to hug him and nibble on his neck like a sweet chocolate bunny. And he is always the funniest person in the room.

  2. Why would u volunteer for this if u had a small package (humiliation kink?), and it looks like they couldn't air most of the erect pictures anyway.. so what's the point? No one sends flaccid dick pics…

  3. I used to think it was just the 'woke' females that led sad lives, but reading these comments, the men are just as bad. If you can't find the humor in this you are dead inside.

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