EIC: Azeem Banatwalla at Melbourne International Comedy Festival 2018 | Comedy Up Late
Good evening ladies and gentlemen!
My name is Azeem Banatwalla I am from India I live in…
No no, don’t laugh at that India! Ooh! I am from India, I live in the city of Mumbai
I live in this lovely part of the city called ‘Traffic’ And, you guys, you say you have traffic in Melbourne And that is so cute. Really. Just like 10 cars out in the street
Fucking hectic today, fuck off! You know nothing about traffic Like if you see 10 cars on a road in India There are two possible reasons for that
Public holiday or nuclear holocaust, alright? But, it’s a pleasure, its a privilege to be at the
Melbourne International Comedy Festival It’s great to see all of you guys over here It’s great to see you guys laughing There is a great statistic about laughing It says that every time you laugh,
it extends your life by 2 minutes A load of bullshit that is! We like to do this, right? We like to take facts
and back them up with statistics People say “Don’t smoke man. Every time you smoke,
it reduces your life by 5 minutes.” And I’m like ..cool But, how do you check? Like what, is there an H.R
department in heaven Where there’s a guy with a calculator going Hmmm. Minus 5! Minus 5. What are you doing with your life? And if laughing does extend your life by 2 minutes
It must make the grim-reaper’s job very difficult He goes to an old man who is about to die Like, “Come old man! It is your time.” And at that exact moment, the old man is like *laughs* Yeah okay, we will wait for 2 minutes then? *laughs* Uhm, in 4 minutes? *laughs* Bro, just have a cigarette, come on
We have a schedule to keep. Fuck! I am a cigarette smoker myself which is not the fun thing to be in Australia! Because cigarettes are fucking expensive here dude 30 dollars a packet. Have you lost your minds? Death can not be this expensive! Come on. And you are not allowed to bring
your own cigarettes into the country Just allowed one packet and that’s it. But is that stopping me from smoking? No! Because smokers, we may lack many things But commitment is not one of them! And I am not simply a smoker
No no. I am a smoker, I am also Indian and an engineer! Which makes me committed,
cheap and a fucking genius! But I find it incredible that with cigarettes being as expensive as they are That homeless people over here
Have the audacity to come and ask me for cigarettes on the street Just everyday 3 guys like, “Can I have a cigarette?”
I’m like, “Fuck off. No!” It’s too expensive, I can’t afford this Here’s some gold instead, it’s cheaper. Its ridiculous! I was reading up about this The government of Australia apparently increases
The price of cigarettes by 12.5% every year Which means that cigarettes
may not be a great lifestyle choice But I think they are a fantastic investment. I think you should be advertising this on the radio Why invest in the lottery or the stock market?
When cigarettes could give you guaranteed returns Buy 10 packs now and by 2025
you could put a down payment on a mansion… in Frankston North. Local reference, I have done my research. But genuinely, it’s great that you
guys are in a position where You know, your government is looking after your health like discouraging you from smoking looking at healthcare at such a microscopic level because, my government back home,
we can’t do this shit. we have other priorities My government is still trying to figure out
how to get people to shit indoors. We do not have the bandwidth for
this level of woke just yet! I was in Mumbai, in traffic, where I live This anti-smoking advertisement played on the radio It said, “Did you know?”
I said, “I did not know. Please continue!” I don’t know why I was talking to the radio
That’s how boring traffic gets. It said “Did you know?
That 6 million smokers die every year.” I said, “Hmm. That’s pretty sad.” But then I started doing the math, right? Engineering brain. I started thinking What if all these 6 million smokers were
not dying every year? So I started calculating right Now I was in India and India accounts
for 1/6th of the world’s population So 1/6th of 6 million, 1 million smokers of these smokers would be from India. Now I was in Bombay and Bombay accounts for
0.1% of India’s population So 0.1% of 1 million, 1000 of these
would be from Bombay Traffic was very slow, I had a lot of time. Further reading, 1 out of every 22
Bombay residents owns a car So, 1000 divided by 22 that’s 45 So in conclusion.. if all these 6 million smokers were still alive.. there would be 45 more cars
in this traffic along with me And I said, “Thank God!” Listen, why are we giving shit to smokers? Here, as a society, we are trying
to find a solution to the population crisis Smokers are voluntarily taking one for the team For all you non smokers,
think about it this way For every 10,000 smokers
that light up a cigarette Your chances of finding free parking 20 years later.. Improve exponentially! So, don’t give us the cancerous lung
and the smoking kills sign on the cigarette packet Fuck that! Give a smiley face on the packet and say thank you! You guys have been great, My name is Azeem.
Thank you so much!