Finally Having Sex with Your High School Crush – Amy Schumer


BUT I’M CELEBRATING, I FINALLY JUST SLEPT WITH
MY HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH. [cheers and applause]
RIGHT? THANK YOU. THANK YOU,
BUT I SWEAR, NOW HE, LIKE, EXPECTS ME TO GO
TO HIS GRADUATION. [laughter] LIKE I KNOW WHERE I’M GONNA
BE IN THREE YEARS, RIGHT? I’M LIKE, “WHOA!” SLOW IT DOWN. FUCKING KIDS, RIGHT? FUCKING… YOU LOOK, LIKE, UPSET.
LIKE, I DON’T FUCK KIDS. THAT’S A JOKE. LIKE, I WOULD NEVER– I SHOULDN’T SAY NEVER. THAT’S LIKE–
YOU DON’T KNOW– I FEEL LIKE I JUST PAINTED
MYSELF IN A CORNER THERE. BUT, UM, THAT’S NOT
A GOOD WAY TO START. THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL THEATER. I SHOULD HAVE STARTED OFF WITH SOMETHING
OTHER THAN KID FUCKING. YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT. START OVER.
CLASS IT UP. MY MOM’S A CUNT.
HEAR ME OUT. [laughter] I KNOW, LIKE, NOT EVERYONE’S
COMFORTABLE WITH THAT WORD. HALF OF YOU WERE LIKE,
“UGH,” RIGHT? “NO, DON’T SAY THAT,” AND THE OTHER HALF OF YOU
WERE LIKE, “OH, MY GOD. WHAT A COINCIDENCE.” [laughter] I BROUGHT HER
TO A SOCCER GAME ‘CAUSE I WANTED TO SHOW HER
WHAT BOUNDARIES LOOKED LIKE, YOU KNOW? I WAS LIKE, “LOOK.” SHE’S LIKE,
“I DON’T SEE ‘EM.” I’M LIKE,
“I KNOW. I KNOW. STOP CALLING MY FRIENDS,
HOW ABOUT THAT?” SHE’S ALWAYS BRAGGING
ABOUT THE DUMBEST STUFF. THE OTHER DAY SHE
WAS TELLING ME, SHE WAS LIKE, “YOU KNOW, I CAN STILL FIT
IN MY WEDDING DRESS,” I WAS LIKE, “OH, MY GOD.
WHO CARES?” RIGHT? I MEAN, IT IS WEIRD
THAT SHE’S THE SAME SIZE NOW AS SHE WAS WHEN SHE
WAS EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT, BUT I JUST– [laughter] I DON’T THINK
BRAGGING’S COOL. A LITTLE ABOUT ME. I TOOK PLAN “B”
ABOUT TEN DAYS AGO. UM…
[cheering] THANK YOU.
OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS. ONLY CLAP IF YOU MEAN IT. UH… I DID. YOU KNOW–
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE HERE–
IT’S THE MORNING-AFTER PILL. I TAKE IT THE NIGHT BEFORE
‘CAUSE I’M SMART. BUT SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO–
I’M WITH YOU GOOD PEOPLE. I BELIEVE BIRTH
BEGINS AT CONCEPTION. SO I JUST, LIKE,
BEAT THAT SHIT. UH… PLAN BIZZLE. WHO’S TAKEN IT?
WHO’S TAKEN IT? THANK YOU. OH, SORRY,
A ROOM OF HEROES. EVERYONE’S LIKE… [laughter] I DID, I TOOK IT. IT’S OVER THE– I WENT TO MY NORMAL PHARMACY,
I WALK IN, THE PHARMACIST IS LIKE,
“HEY, AME.” I’M LIKE, “PLEASE DON’T
CALL ME A NICKNAME.” HE’S LIKE,
“WHAT DO YOU WANT, AMBIEN?” I’M LIKE, “NO,
I’M NOT ADDICTED TO THAT. “YOU GUYS KNOW THAT. I ONLY TAKE THAT
WHEN I’M DRINKING.” UM… THEY’RE LIKE,
“WHAT DO YOU WANT?” I WAS LIKE, “PLAN ‘B,'” AND THEY WERE LIKE–
THEY DIDN’T EVEN HIDE IT. THEY WERE LIKE,
“EW, YOU WHORE.” I WAS LIKE, “YOU CAN’T–
YOU CAN’T SAY THAT.” THEY’RE LIKE,
“YOU’RE GONNA FEEL NAUSEOUS.” I WAS LIKE, “UGH.” I TOOK IT,
I FELT FINE. I WENT TO YOGA. I’M LIKE,
“CAN THESE PEOPLE TELL “I’M, LIKE,
MID-ABORSH RIGHT NOW? THIS IS…” [laughter] [hums] THIS IS NOT GOOD.
IT WAS EASY. THEY SHOULD CALL IT PLAN “A.”
THAT’S HOW I USED IT. IT’S A GREAT PLAN.
LET’S START WITH THIS ONE. I–I DON’T– I DON’T THINK THAT’S,
LIKE, ADORABLE THAT I JUST TOOK PLAN “B.” I’M 31.
LIKE, THAT’S NOT CUTE AT ALL. THAT’S CUTE WHEN YOU’RE, LIKE,
YOU’RE, LIKE, 21, RIGHT? YOU GO,
YOU SIT ON YOUR MOM’S BED, YOU CRY, YOU’RE LIKE, “OH, THE CONDOM BROKE.” I’M LIKE,
“THE WHAT BROKE?” [laughter] I DO, I STILL THINK I’M 20.
IT’S SO GROSS. LIKE, EVERY BAR I GO TO,
I SHOW MY I.D. THEY’RE LIKE,
“NO, THAT’S OKAY.” LIKE, “WOW, THEY’RE
REALLY RELAXED HERE. “I HOPE
THEY DON’T GET RAIDED. THIS PLACE,
I DON’T KNOW.” BUT THE GIRLS
I GREW UP WITH, THEY’RE LIVING
NORMAL ADULT LIVES, YOU KNOW? SO THEY CALL ME NOW, AND THEY’RE
LIKE, “AME, I’M PREGNANT.” AND I STILL REACT LIKE,
“WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?” [laughter] I’M LIKE,
“I’LL DRIVE YOU, I GUESS.” [laughter] THAT’S MY FAVORITE
REALITY SHOW. YOU KNOW
THE SHOWTEEN MOM?OR IF YOU’RE
FROM THE SOUTH,MOM.[laughter] THEY DON’T WAIT, RIGHT? THIS IS POOR PLANNING
ON MY PART. I’M KINDA DIZZY. I DONATED BLOOD TODAY. THAT’S WHAT I CALL
GETTING AN AIDS TEST. I KNOW, THAT J– PEOPLE, LIKE, HATE THAT JOKE
IF THEY HAVE AIDS. [laughter] SO IF YOU DIDN’T LAUGH,
GET TESTED. CHECK IT OUT. I WENT THROUGH
A BREAKUP THIS YEAR. I WAS DATING THIS GUY. I WALKED IN
ON HIM MASTURBATING. YEAH, HE’S LIKE,
“ARE YOU MAD?” I’M LIKE, “UH, NO,
BUT YOU SEEM TO BE. HOLY SHIT.” [laughter] I’M LIKE,
“DOES IT OWE YOU MONEY? WHY ARE YOU–” [laughter] ME AND THIS GUY,
WE WERE SO DIFFERENT. I KNEW WE WERE–LIKE, HE WAS,
LIKE, REALLY INTO FAMILY. YOU KNOW,
AND I MENTIONED MY MOM. LIKE, HE’D NEVER COME ON
THE ROAD WITH ME ON THE WEEKENDS ‘CAUSE HE WANTED
TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS WIFE. AND I JUST– I’M BETTER. NO, THE TRUTH IS I THOUGHT
HE WAS GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME THE WHOLE TIME
FOR THE LAMEST REASON: BECAUSE I WOULDN’T SWALLOW. BUT I HAVE A NUT ALLERGY.
LIKE, WHAT DID HE EXPECT? [laughter] STOP TELLING US
IT’S GOOD FOR OUR SKIN. FUCK YOU GUYS. [laughter and cheering] ONE GIRL WAS LIKE,
“OH, OKAY.” GUYS ARE SO GROSS, RIGHT?
GUYS ARE GROSS. YOU’RE GROSS, OKAY?
THEY’RE SO GROSS. I HAD SEX
WITH A GUY RECENTLY, MORE SEMEN THAN YOU’VE
EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE. I WAS LIKE, “DID YOU
JUST GET OUT OF JAIL? WHAT’S–WHAT IS
THE MEANING OF THIS?” “IT’S A COMPLIMENT.” “NO, NO.” BUT THAT’S WHAT GUYS WANT
‘CAUSE THEY’RE SO GROSS. IF IT WERE UP TO THEM,
WE’D ALL LOOK LIKE CARRIE IN THE PROM SCENE
AT THE END, JUST, “UGHH.” [laughter] NO GIRL WANTS THAT.
WE DON’T WANT THAT. WE’RE LAZIER
THAN YOU. IF IT WERE UP TO ME, THE CLEANUP WOULD BE
ME TAKING A Q-TIP GOING, BOOP, ASLEEP.
THAT’S IT. INSTEAD I WAS LIKE,
“I’VE BEEN SLIMED.” [laughter]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *