I would do anything for my wife,
I’m aware of that. But there are people
that are more romantic. Prince Edward abdicated
his right to the English throne for the woman he loved. Isn’t that unbelievable? He was forced to choose between
the woman he loved or being King of England, and that idiot… chose the broad. Now I’m sure in that moment
it was the right decision and I’m happily married, but even in
the best relationship, each person has thoughts
where they go, “I’ve made an enormous mistake.” But we never thought, “I could’ve been
King of England.” Do you think Prince Edward
really ever got over that? Every time he had
to empty the trash, he was like,
“A King of England doesn’t have to empty the trash! The King of England can chat
with his ex on Facebook!” Can you imagine
what kind of news event that abdication was
in the U.K.? There must’ve been,
“He’s gone mad. We should get him
to hospital.” “Jim, your British accent
is getting worse. Why wouldn’t you take
five minutes and learn a good accent? It’s just lazy.
It’s just lazy.” My wife’s pretty amazing. She is better at things
and I’m not ashamed to say that. Like, her guilt trip,
legendary. My wife is half Catholic,
half Jewish, so her guilt trip is like
a superpower. I walk in a room,
she looks at me, and I feel horrible. And that’s called love. We’ve been together so long
I will get angry about a guilt trip
she hasn’t even given me yet. I’ll be like, “I’m gonna watch
the football game.” She’s like, “Okay.” And I’m like,
“‘Cause I want to!” I’m always in trouble
with my wife ’cause I’m selfish,
I’m lazy, insensitive, and a bunch of other stuff.
She rattles on. And I understand being
in trouble for stuff I’ve done, but sometimes I get in trouble
for stuff other men have done. Once I got in trouble for
something a guy did in a movie. I was watching a movie
with my wife and in the movie there was
this married guy with children who left his family
for a 20-year-old woman and I knew in that moment
I should sleep on the couch. [laughter] And the movie ended
and my wife looked at me and she was like,
“Why would someone do that?” And I was like,
“Uh, it–it was in the script?” I didn’t say that.
I just said, “Where do you want me to sleep?” I hope it doesn’t sound
like I’m picking on her ’cause I’m grateful to have her
in my life. It’s nice to have a partner. Someone looking out for you,
you look out for them. Like I did two weeks of shows
out of town in December and when I came home,
my wife informed me that she made me an appointment
for the gastroenterologist. If you’re unfamiliar,
that’s the doctor that sticks the camera
up your butt. I mean,
they do other things, but that’s what
they’re famous for. That’s probably how they
attract people to the field. “You like photography?” [laughter] “Then I got a job
that you’re gonna love!” I didn’t ask my wife
to set up this appointment. I wasn’t sick.
I didn’t have any symptoms. She just did it ’cause
she was looking out for me. So she casually brought it up.
She goes, “Just so you know, I made you an appointment
for the gastroenterologist. And I said, “Just so you know,
I won’t be going.” She’s like,
“Why wouldn’t you go? It’s just a consultation.” I said,
“Well, it’s the principle. I’m an adult.
I make my own decisions. Thank you.” Anyway, so I’m at
the gastroenterologist… [laughter] The doctor starts to describe
the procedure and I said, “Look,
I should probably let you know, I don’t really enjoy
getting my picture taken. I would be open
to an ultrasound, I think a lot of men
are curious what the jelly on the belly feels like.” Anyway, the doctor,
he didn’t think it was funny. [chuckles] And I knew it was
precautionary, so I agreed. So he went over
to his computer and he goes, “All right,
my next available appointment is in three months.”
I was like, “Three months?!” This was in December. I didn’t know if I wanted
this procedure hanging over my head
during the holidays. “Jim, you want
another piece of pie?” “No, I’m getting
a camera up my butt. I don’t want some
team of doctors to be like, ‘Wow, this guy loves pie. Barry, get out here.
He’s got half a pie up there.'” I didn’t know what could delay
this important procedure, but part of me
didn’t want to find out. I didn’t want the doctor
to be like, “Well, the real delay is finding
someone to clean the camera. That takes forever. Turnover in that position
is insane, you know? People do it once
and they’re like, ‘You know what?
I’m going back on food stamps.'” Then I was thinking,
maybe it’s the doctor. Maybe he’s like, “Dude,
I can only do this procedure once a month.
Then I gotta take a week off, sit on the beach,
and ask myself ‘Why keep sticking cameras
up people’s butts?’ I could’ve been a dentist.” “Again with
the dental reference.” But in February
I had the procedure and I think every man in here
should get a colonoscopy because I had to. It’s not an easy decision
’cause the best news you can find out from getting
a camera stuck up your butt is learning you didn’t need
to have a camera stuck up your butt.
That’s the best news. “Yeah, we didn’t need
to do that. We can just chalk that up,
one for fun.” And the day before
the procedure, you can’t eat anything. And I’m a total pig,
so I was terrified. but after I was awake
for five hours and I hadn’t eaten anything,
I wasn’t hungry. I was suicidal. I was so bored.
I was like, “What am I supposed to sit here
and feel feelings?” And then at noon
and at 6:00 p.m. you have to drink this serum that I believe is made by
a collaboration of ex-lax and Taco Bell. Printed on the side of the serum
it should’ve just said, “Drink this in the bathroom. Might wanna grab a pillow
and a book.” ‘Cause I tell ya,
I’ve had diarrhea before… This is the point where everyone
acts like they’ve never had diarrhea. “I don’t even know what
Jim’s talking about. Do you?” Yeah, I’m the only one
who’s had diarrhea… in a hotel hot tub.
Okay. [laughter] Like we’re at the same hotel. No, I’ve had diarrhea.
I don’t wanna brag. No, I’ve had diarrhea,
but calling what this serum did to my body “diarrhea” is
an insult to the word diarrhea. My body made noises
I didn’t know existed. At one point I thought
I stepped on a puppy. [laughter] I was
in the bathroom for hours. For hours.
Checking email– ignoring phone calls
’cause serum or not, you can’t answer the phone
in the bathroom ’cause you can’t hide the fact
you’re in the bathroom ’cause there’s an echo. “Are you in a well?”
“Yes! Yes, I’m down here in a well.
No kids in this well! Making sure no kids
fell in.” But I kept getting this call
from the doctor’s office and I thought there might be
important information like someone saying,
“Do not drink the serum!” So I answered it
and it was just someone confirming the appointment
and I don’t know how someone’s supposed to sound
when they confirm a colonoscopy, but this person
was really casual. They’re like,
“Hey, how are you? So, we’re gonna
see you tomorrow?” I’m like, “What?
Are we having brunch? I thought I was getting
a camera up my butt.” She gave me the address.
The next morning I went there. It wasn’t at a hospital
or a clinic, it was at some building. Just picture where you imagine
the black market would harvest human organs. “What am I doing here?” And I took an elevator
to the basement. There was this huge space
with all these makeshift rooms with shower curtains.
And I was let into one. There was all this talking–
You know when you’re nervous and you think you hear things?
I thought I heard someone go, “I can’t believe he’s here. I want his kidney.”
And I was terrified. And then eventually
an anesthesiologist walked in, he gave me a shot
and he goes, “Just wanna go through
what’s gonna happen. Right now I’m giving you
some medicine which will knock you out and when you wake up,
you won’t remember anything. You okay with that?” And against every instinct
in my body, I just went, “Okay.” And the last memory I had
is just watching the anesthesiologist leave
the room as I heard someone go, “I want his spleen.” And I woke up
and I was fine. I mean, I’m pregnant,
but I’m fine.