Greer Barnes: “If I Was a White Woman, I Would Rob Black Dudes” – This Week at the Comedy Cellar


– I’m actually not a comic. I was just outside the club chillin’. (audience laughs) They asked me if I wanted to make $5. (audience laughs) I was like I ain’t
gotta take my pants off? (audience laughs) And he was like you want this $5 or what? (audience laughs) I was in the park earlier
today where I live at and (audience laughs). I was in the park earlier today
and I saw a black squirrel being chased by two gray
squirrels and I got anxious. (audience laughs) And I blurted out run nigga! That’s bad right, fuck. But he got away (laughs). I was like that’s how you do it. (audience laughs) What’s that? What don’t I like? I’ll tell you.
(audience laughs) I don’t like walking up
behind white women at night. Makes me really uncomfortable. (audience laughs) So I cross the street.
(audience laughs) Couple nights ago I’m walking home, I got my beats going. I don’t have no headphones,
I just had beats. (audience laughs) And I’m walking (beat boxes). Uh oh, white woman.
(audience laughs) Think I’ll cross the street.
(beat boxes) Uh oh another white woman.
(audience laughs) So now I’m walking in
the middle of the street, which makes it look even more creepy. (audience laughs) Almost like which ones of these women. And then there’s the cab
driver (imitates horn). Get out of the street brother. (audience laughs) I’m like Vishnu there are
white women all over the place. Holy shit, get in. (imitates car revving)
(audience laughs) Man he drives me to safety.
(audience laughs) And he’s like brother
when walking at night you have to be very careful. These policemen and white women
are very dangerous brother. You have to take care of yourself Denzel. I was like that’s not my name. (audience laughs) As my name is not Vishnu.
(audience laughs) Touche nigga.
(audience laughs) If I was a white woman
I would rob black dudes. (audience laughs) I’d walk up to black guys and
be like hi my name is Sarah, give me your wallet.
(audience laughs) Sarah, that’s my grandmamma name. Give me your wallet or I’m gonna scream. Here, here Sarah. No need to get the cops involved, take it. (audience laughs) Look at some of the white women like, wow we could actually do that. (audience laughs) Try explaining that to a cop. Yeah she was about this tall, she had brown hair, brown eyes. I think she did yoga. And she ran in that direction. Hm, brown hair, brown eyes, yoga. And you mean to tell me
a man of your stature couldn’t catch her? What I look like chasing a white woman? (audience laughs) (hip hop music)

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