Hospital Show | Ep 1: Number One

Hospital Show | Ep 1: Number One

[♪♪♪] [background conversations] I bought sushi,
uh, at the drugstore. Sushi, a dog about… a magazine about puppies… …um, toothpaste, obviously. You won’t believe me,
but you know what I hate? Doctors. Which is funny, because,
I mean, look at me, right? I try to avoid real doctors,
but sometimes… sometimes things come up
and… you gotta go, like, sometimes
something’s burning or something itches
that doesn’t go away with cream. [Vince]
Or sometimes something’s there that wasn’t there before. -How do you know?
-What? I said how– Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Sometimes something’s…
and you gotta go. -Gotta go.
-Yeah. I mean, I don’t have to go now,
but sometimes you do, right? -Yeah.
-Am I right? [Paul] And we’re ready.♪ There is no other way ♪♪ To win the game ♪♪ You gotta fake it,
fake it till you make it ♪ ♪ Fake it, fake it
till you make it ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ [Paul] And… frame. Action. BP’s 80 over 40.
Pulse is weak. We’re losing him, people. Thank you for the play by play,
Dr. Obvious. Hey, Ichabod Crane,
how’s my chest tube coming? Almost there. We have a case
of tension pneumothorax, not a cerebral aneurysm. -I don’t understand.
-It’s not brain surgery! Tube thoracostomy in place. Nurse Chan, you said the patient
had shortness of breath before intubation. He was tashee… uh… tacky?
Aw, what’s the word… He was tachy… tak… tackypee! It’s not tackypee,
I can tell you that. [Paul] Cut! [Astrid] Okay, how do you
pronounce it again? [Paul] Uh… tacky… tacky… [Carol-Ann] Not you, Paul.
Someone in here. -It’s tachynipicky.
-No, it’s t-a-c-h. [all talking at once] Tachy… Wait, guys, guys, hold on,
why are we sweatin’? We got… we got Dr. Charlie
in the house. Hey, Dr. Charlie! What…
how do you pronounce that word? Tachypneic! The patient had been tachypneic
before intubation. And I’m not a doctor, Rich. [Rich] Almost a doctor. Okay, and
“Almost A Doctor” Nielson, can you tell us
what that means? Any respiratory rate greater
than 20 breaths per minute indicates tachypnea, so his breathing,
when he was conscious, would have been tachypneic. Short and shallow. Okay, “tachypneic,”
three times together. Tachypneic, tachypneic,
tachypneic. Sweet. Thanks, Number Two. You’re welcome, Number One! -All right.
-So the patient was tackyneepee. [Carol-Ann] Vince… Or he had a bad case
of takanaksack. Hey, man. Hey.
Don’t joke about sacks. Anybody’s sack. Okay? [camera assistant]
22, take two. Mark. [Paul] Action. [Carol-Ann] You said the
patient had shortness of breath? [Astrid]
Yes, he was tackydicky. [beep] You said the patient
had shortness of breath? Yeah, tatient was patapa… Patient had
shortness of breath? Yes, patient was takanaka. [laughter] -Tachypneic.
-Sorry. You said the patient
had shortness of breath? [Vince]
Yes, he was tappydappy. [Carol-Ann]
I’m gonna fuckin’ quit. -Okay…
-Mark. You said the patient
had shortness of breath? The patient was tachypneic,
current O2 sat is 81, end tidal CO2 is 95. [Carol-Ann] Thank you! Now, where’s my
damn ringer drip!? And where is Dr. Grace?! [beeping] Why’d you take
your mask off, man? [Paul] Cut! -Oh, my god.
-I mean, this is surgery. Thanks for
taking that line, bro. A real pro all the way.
[Carol-Ann] He’s off camera. Hey. Don’t thank me.
Thank Number Two. [belching]
Thanks, Number Two. Whoo!♪ There is no remedy for ♪♪ This kind of love anymore ♪♪ I need an intervention ♪[Vince]
Okay, here’s my problem. My fans, they just want more. They want everything, and I’m so sick
of the safe, boring crap that I keep putting
out there. So this is what I’m thinking. I don’t hold back.
I show them everything. All the highlights of life,
and all the menudo. Some days it’s going to be
big life announcements, and then other days, it’s just going to be
me sitting there, taking a dump, but it’s real. It’s gotta be real life.
No gimmicks. Holy shit, dude, yeah.
Just do it. Show… show it all. I want to show them
everything Vince. By pooing for your fans. Well, that’s…
that’s the principle of it. Hashtag: “me poo.” -Heh.
-Yaas. Let’s go.
Let’s brainstorm something else. Let’s… maybe other than poo. [Charlie]
Okay, so, back to your theory. [Lisa] Lauren and Mel’s theory,
writers from season two. -Right.
-Their theory. I developed it,
and I keep it alive. Okay, so take Vince. Generally, physically and
morally, Vince is a dirty guy. -Yeah. He is dirty.
-Yeah. Yes, in the overall category, it is about the true essence
of a person. [Will] Okay, so then next, B), does he
allow himself to get dirty, like… when he goes camping, in general,
is that what you mean, or…? Well, that’s a “yes.”
He has B.O. Often. Oh, yeah, yeah. So, he’s a “Dirty-Dirty…” And finally, and this
is where it gets tricky, how does he appear
to the world? To everyone else. Oh, my god. Clean. He appears clean! So he’s a “Dirty-Dirty-Clean.” “Dirty-Dirty-Clean.” You can’t trust
a “Dirty-Dirty-Clean.” They’re a wolf
in sheep’s clothing. I am a “Clean-Dirty-Clean,”
for example. [Charlie] So are you, Will. You think?
I don’t think so. I’m a “Clean-Clean-Clean.” What’s in the OJ? Why does that matter? You’re not completely clean. I’ll take that
with a grain of salt, coming from
a “Clean-Dirty-Dirty.” -Oh, interesting.
-No. Wait, wait. So, what, so in essence, I’m a clean person,
but otherwise, I’m dirty? Yeah, I think so. I don’t “know” know, but… -[Paul] Everyone…
-Yes. Well, I can explain that later. “Clean-Dirty-Dirty”s are good. [Will] It’s not a bad thing. [Beth] I was told to
give you this to put on. By Rosanna. I’m sorry. Rosanna’s here? No, the Rosanna cam is here. [Charlie] Right. Because why
would our showrunner actually be here in person? What is this? -It’s a bra.
-I’m wearing a bra. It’s a different kind of bra.
Sorry. [Paul]
Hey, can we close these doors? Charlie starts
on the other side of the doors. Yeah, can we… how do we…
How does… yep. Okay, that will do.
Thank you. Why do I need
a different kind of bra?[Rosanna over mic] How’s
everything going here, ladies?
Have we fixed
our little problem?
I’m not sure
what the problem is. Because it is fixed.-Good.
-All good.Everything should be
alive and vibrant.
We want to be up. Not down.Pert. Not languid.What are we talking about?Now, go get ’em, Number Two.[Paul] All right! And ready, slate, slate… [beeping]Up. Not down.We want to be up. Not down.Pert, not languid.Now, go get ’em, Number Two![Paul] And… action! Aah! Ow!♪ And now
we’re lining up to see ♪
♪ The movie of our vanity ♪♪ Who needs a life to lead ♪♪ When you can watch it all
for free? ♪
♪ Everybody
Everybody ♪
♪ Everybody’s on TV ♪♪ Everybody
Everybody ♪
♪ Everybody’s on TV ♪

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  1. omf my names Samantha 😮 I'm so excited for this!!! Sara and Jordan (Aunt Jenna and Sweetpea) in a show together is a dream come true!

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