So, it’s that time of the year again!
A time for spookiness! A time for horror!
A time for…SCARES! Wait…where’s-where’s the thing? I thought that–OH SON OF A- See, I was originally gonna put
that picture up to scare you guys, but I’m not a jerk, so– (screaming) Alright, maybe a little jerky. Jerky? Hey guys! So it’s been made pretty clear
to me by some of you guys that I have been neglecting
my vlogging for a little bit. A lot of you guys have
been saying things like: (in whiny voice) Why do you only do skits now? You only make fake trailers now! First Candy Crush: The Trailer,
then Naruto: The Trailer and now Aquaman: The Trailer? Bring back the Off The Pill videos! I miss the vlogging days. I don’t know why you guys all sound
the same and sound like Regina. First of all, I don’t just make trailers now. That’s like three videos out of the whole year! But being that I post
about three videos a year, yeah, I guess you’re right. Second of all, what’s wrong with trailers? Trailers are fun! They’re fast,
they’re quick, they’re nice and-and mixed up with a bunch of shots– Yeah, okay, I haven’t vlogged in a while.
And that’s why I’m here! Back to the subject! So it is that time of the year again. The scariest month of the year: October. And, for whatever reason, someone
thought it’d be a good idea to make this month all about celebrating fear. Well, growing up I actually hated October. Because all they would show on TV,
and all the new movies were always horrors. And it’s a little embarrassing,
but when I was younger, I used to be the biggest chicken. (clucking) (mooing) And, also, I used to really hate horror movies. I honestly couldn’t watch them
when I was younger because I was so afraid of them that it
would actually affect me in real life. I mean, I used to have
to hold my pee in late at night because I was too scared
to go to the bathroom by myself. Sometimes I was so afraid
that I didn’t even brush my teeth ’cause I was afraid that I was gonna see
something in the bathroom mirror. And every single time I went
to the bathroom, I would always have to check behind
the shower curtain to make sure there was no dead bodies laying inside the tub. Come to think of it, anything bathroom
related after a scary movie is scary as…fff–F***. When you’re as much of a B****, as I was. Sorry, guys, I’m just trying
to keep this PG because I know a lot of the people that need
these tips aren’t used to reading our language and sh*t. Sh*t! Oh, sh*t! (whispers) Don’t tell your parents. What was I talking about?
Oh yeah! Once I decided that I was sick
and tired of being afraid, and letting fear overcome
my mind and control my actions and tell me who I can and can’t not be… I created the following tips that would
not only help you get over that fear, but to help you enjoy it!
To cause it! To teach it to people like you! (evil chuckle) HA HA HA HA– (hacking) I got sick from the Aquaman video last week. Don’t swim at night. So the main way I got over
my fear of horror movies is by bringing them into perspective. If you think about how easy it
really is to survive in a horror movie, you’ll find it pretty easy
to survive watching one. These are some of the tips I would tell
you if you were in a horror movie. (floorboards creak) First tip: Don’t be an idiot. Use common sense!
Never go towards the sound. The number one thing that pisses
me off in horror movies is that why are all the characters stupid? If you’re running away from a ghost
or a killer and you hear something in the other room, why the hell
would you go check it out?! When you hear something freaky,
stay away from it! That’s common sense. Next tip: Have basic coordination and cardio. Why is it that when there’s
something chasing you, you guys always seem to fall down? I mean, honestly, how often do you
really fall down when you run? Seriously, how hard is it to keep running
when a killer’s chasing after you? If you have normal coordination,
you should be able to outrun a killer. I mean, most of the time
the killer’s at a huge disadvantage. For example, take the Chainsaw Massacre guy. The guy is dressed in a suit–
that’s already hard to run in, let alone the fact that he has
to wear a mask, which limits his vision. He should be the one that’s tripping–not you! And the fact that he has to carry a chainsaw! Do you know how heavy a chainsaw is?! Me neither–but it’s probably a lot heavier
than not carrying anything, which is what you should be carrying! Nothing, that is. I mean, if you can’t
outrun that guy, honestly, you deserve whatever
he has coming to you. (screaming) Oh no! (screaming) Uh, did you really need me for this? I ain’t tryin’ to get no splinters! This next one might sound a little messed up, but if you’re in a horror movie, it’s always
good to have a clumsy, dumb friend. See, this is the guy or girl that’s gonna
trip when you’re running away. I mean, it’s not that bad.
Think of it as an honorable sacrifice. Don’t ever film yourself sleeping. If you really think your house is haunted,
either you ignore it or get out! Because, really, if you film yourself
sleeping, you only have two options: Either you’re gonna see something
that’ll scare you even more– or you’re gonna have hours
of boring ass footage to watch. And, honestly, I don’t know what’s worse. Basements and attics
should always be off limits. For some reason, every single bad thing
starts off in an attic or a basement. Am I the only one that never had
a basement or attic in my house? I’ve lived in four different houses now
and I’ve never had a basement or an attic. I feel like I’m missing out on something. If you’re hiding from the bad guy,
always keep your cell phone on silent. Cell phones always ring
at the absolute worst time. When you’re taking a test,
during a movie, at church, hiding from a serial killer–
Yeah, Tony the Tiger. Come on, it’s basic hide-and-seek etiquette. Never open mirror cabinets. Once you open a mirror cabinet,
the moment you close it there’s gonna be somebody behind it. And if not, the moment you turn after that
there’s gonna be someone there too. Go on the offensive. This may not apply for all
Horror movie antagonists. These are more for the possessed dolls
and ghosts and whatnot. All these killers are ghosts or whatever
are used to people running away from them and hiding. The last thing they would expect
is for you to attack back. Some of the most scary Horror villains
are actually the least indimidating if you really think about it. For example, the girl from The Ring. If a little creepy girl were to crawl
out of your TV and try to kill you– Yes, she’s creepy, but she’s a little girl! Kick her ass! Or say you have a little
possessed doll named Chuckie chasing after you and your family. Just have somebody hold him
down and punt that sh*t! And if you somehow do manage
to get them down, just remember: Finish the job! Don’t ever walk over to what
you think is the dead body. Why do you have to check anyway?
They’re never dead the first time. Do not own a record player. Seriously, it’s 2013. You should not–no one should
have a record player anymore. Unless you want to hear it turn on by itself
or maybe change track at one time or just start spinning backwards
and start reversing everything and have some demonic voice come out– (singing) Tip toe by the window! By the window! That is where I’ll be… Never look into a small peephole
or a small crack or a little space ’cause chances are–
I’m not even exaggerating– you’re gonna see another eyeball. Never lean on a door to listen for the killer. The killer knows exactly
where you are at all times! He has wallhacks!
And because physics do not apply in Horror movies, he’s gonna stab
you right through that door. If you’re gonna be a hider,
do not hide under the bed. In Horror movies, hiding
under the bed is not hiding. You’re gonna get dragged
by a clown or a killer or something because that’s your own fault.
That’s the first place I would look. If there’s signs telling you to GTFO… GTFO. For example, if you walk into a room
and there’s one single light source hanging from a ceiling,
you should probably GTFO. If you walk into a room
and any of the lights are flickering, you should probably GTFO. If you get a new house
for a really good deal and all the other neighbors
are scared of you, GTFO! If you see someone in a reflection
of a window or a mirror that’s not supposed to be there… If you hear that the previous owner
was murdered in your house… If you ever see anyone that’s in
your house that’s NOT supposed to be in your house… If you have a kid that knows
how to astral project… If you have no cell phone service… If it’s always storming…. If there’s a sign that says BEWARE… If there’s a sign that says KEEP OUT… and if there’s literally
a sign that says GTFO… Get it, because I would like
to have that sign. That’s really cool. And last, and probably the most important tip: Don’t do anything that a PSA
would tell you not to do. You know, like drugs, sex and violence. Do not do drugs. Don’t be the Stoner Guy.
He’s guaranteed to die. Abstinence. If you’re having sex, most often
in a car for some reason, you’re gonna die. And do not be a violent person. The killer will out-violent you.
‘Cause the more violent you are, the more violent your death is gonna be. Come to think of it, Horror movies
actually have really good morals. I mean, if people really wanna
stop kids from doing drugs, sex and violence, they should start
showing these movies in classes. I mean, that’s more persuasive
than Sex-Ed and Drug-Ed and Violin-Ted. (scary violin music) Anyway, that’s pretty much
all the tips I could think of off the top of my head. I’m sure I missed a lot
of horror movie survival tips. Feel free to leave them in the comments
below if you have a better one. But thank you guys so much for watching.
I know I haven’t vlogged in a while. And for all the new subscribers,
I know you guys aren’t used to this sort of me, so let me know
if you like this style of video or if you absolutely hated it. I’ll have another video
up before Halloween, but just in case it’s not a vlog
and I don’t get the chance to say it, just remember: I hope you guys
have a very happy Halloween. Be safe and just remember… When the night is young and fear runs deep… those who fear will find the creep! So check your bathrooms and check your beds – and check all the–CHECK ALL THE–
– (scary music drowns out Ryan’s voice) CHECK ALL–Ted! Can you stop playing that violin so loud?!
I’m trying to vlog here. But this isn’t a violin. This is an ukulele. (scary violin music) (panting) Whew, sorry guys. It’s– This is a weird video, but it’s been
a while since I’ve vlogged freestyle like this before,
so give me some time. I’ll get back to the normal stuff. But not right now. (scary violin music) Yeah, this video’s a trailer too–TEE HEE!