Iliza Stand-up Comedy

Iliza Stand-up Comedy


>>THANK YOU. THANK YOU. SO I WANTED TO BE SENSITIVE TO THE FACT THAT OUR COUNTRY IS FEELING A LITTLE DIVIDED RIGHT NOW SO I WANTED TO UNITE US ALL WITH THE FACT IT’S RIDICULOUS THAT AS A 33-YEAR-OLD GROWN WOMAN LAST WEEK I DECIDED TO WEAR A LITTLE BIT OF BODY GLITTER. RIGHT ABOUT NOW YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING, ILIZA, WHY ARE YOU WEARING BODY GLITTER? I WILL TELL YOU, BECAUSE MY DATE WAS LATE TO PICK ME UP. GENTLEMEN, YOU MUST KNOW EVERY SINGLE WOMAN IN THIS ROOM, NAH, THE WORLD HAS A LIST OF THINGS SHE DOES TO GET READY. DOES EVERYTHING FROM PLUCKING A HAIR ON A BIG TOE TO FILING DOWN A FANG, WE HAVE A LIST — THERE’S A PINNACLE OF ATTRACTIVENESS THAT EVERY WOMAN IS CAPABLE OF REACHING MEANING ONCE WE’VE GOTTEN READY, THERE’S A POINT WHERE WE’RE DONE AND WE AIN’T GETTING ANY HOTTER, OK? AND EVERY MINUTE THAT YOU’RE LATE TO PICK US UP IS ONE MORE MINUTE WE SPEND MESSING WITH OUR MAKEUP AND WE GET UGLIER. UGLIER. ONE TIME MY DATE WAS AN HOUR LATE. I GREW A TAIL. LIKE IT GETS WORSE. THIS GUY, THANK GOD, WAS ONLY 20 MINUTES LATE. HE WALKED IN AMONG THE GROUND THERE’S CABOOSELE SHRAPNEL EVERYWHERE. I GOT HALF A HAIR EXTENSION IN AND WET-N-WILD LIP GLOSS AND SAY STAY BACK, I’M A PRETTY GIRL. GIRLS WHEN YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TIME TO GET READY, IT BECOMES YOUR WORST ENEMY. GIVE YOURSELF ONE HOUR FOR YOUR MAKEUP. YOUR HAIR IS ANOTHER THING. ONE HOUR, SET A TIMER FOR YOUR HOUR AND DO YOUR MAKEUP. GIRL, WHEN THE HOUR IS UP, PUT YOUR KNIVES DOWN. GIVE IT UP. BECAUSE WHEN YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TIME, YOUR IMAGINATION RUNS AWAY WITH YOU. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME I HAD TIME TO GO HUNTING FOR SOME BODY GLITTER WHICH IN HINDSIGHT WASN’T EVEN BODY GLITTER, IT WAS STRAIGHT-UP CRAFT GLITTER AND I THOUGHT I COULD DO A CLASIE AMOUNT. BUT DO YOU EVER THINK THAT? DO YOU EVER THINK BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT TRASHY YOU COULD PULL OFF DOING SOMETHING THAT IS TRASHY? YOU’RE LIKE, I COULD WEAR FINGER GLOVES. I WENT TO STANFORD. THAT’S OK. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME I’LL DO A LITTLE BIT. I’VE GOT TIME. I’LL GO A WINTER FROST. MY ELSA ISN’T FROZEN! WHAT’S A WINTER FROST? GOT FIVE MORE MINUTES. MAYBE DO THE ORBITAL — WHAT WAY WHEN WE’RE DANCING THE LIGHT WILL HIT IT AND IT’LL BE LIKE HEY, ANIME. HIGHLIGHT MY JAWBONE SO HE KNOWS I COME FROM WHAT? GOOD CHEWING STOCK. KEEP GOING. FIVE MINUTES LATER, SPARKLE FISH SO NOW I LOOK LIKE A ROAD FLAIR AND WE’RE IN PUBLIC SO WE WALK INTO THIS BAR AND ONE OF THE DIFFICULT PARTS ABOUT BEING A WOMAN BESIDES EVERYTHING IS THAT WE’RE CONSTANTLY AT BATTLE, WHETHER IT’S BATTLING FOR STYLE EXPECTATIONS OF HOW MUCH YOU SHOULD WEIGH, THINK, ACT, WEAR, BE BUT MINUTE TO MINUTE WE’RE FIGHTING WITH OURSELVES. WE’RE FIXING OUR BRAS AND OUR THONGS AND OUR HAIR AND OUR MUSTACHES, BRAID IT, BEAD IT, SET IT. BECAUSE IF ONE THING IS OFF THEN THE NIGHT IS RUINED, SCOTT! LIKE, IT HAS TO BE PERFECT. BECAUSE GIRLS FEEL IF WE HAVE TO FIX SOMETHING, IF WE DON’T FIX IT THEN THEN WE’LL MISS OUT ON TRUE LOVE BECAUSE IT’S RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. WE’RE ALWAYS FIXING IT. SO WE WALK INTO THIS BAR AND I HAD TO FIX MY LIPLINER. THAT MEANS I HAD TO FIND MY LIPLINER, AND GIRLS, I HAD A BIG BAG. I HAD A BIG BAG. IT WAS THERE’S A VERY SPECIFIC WAY WOMEN WILL SEARCH FOR SOMETHING WHEN WE HAVE A BIG BA BAG. WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU TAKE A DESIGNATIONED SEARCH — DESIGNATED SEARCH CLAW AND PLUNGE IT. DEFINITELY SEARCHING. LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE WRESTLING WITH A VERY SMALL BAG. MEANWHILE AS A WOMAN, YOU’RE HAVING TO COME TO TERMS WITH THE SEVENTH LAYER OF HELL THAT IS THE BOTTOM OF YOUR BAG. IT’S JUST A GRAVE-YARD OF DISMEMBERED PENS TO RIVER STICKS OF PENNIES WITH GUM GLOMED ONTO THE SIDE OF LINCOLN’S HEAD. AND WHY, WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A CRUMBLED NATURE VALLEY GRANOLA BAR? WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE MAKEUP OF THESE THINGS THEY DISINTEGRATE UPON ENTERING THE ATMOSPHERE AND IT HURTS BECAUSE YOU STICK YOUR HAND DOWN THERE AND COME UP WITH OATS UNDER YOUR FINGERNAILS, AND YOU’RE LIKE, WHAT KIND OF P.O.W. CRAP IS THIS NATURE VALLEY? UNDER MY FINGERNAIL. OUCH, OUCH. OUCH. DIGGING AROUND, PHONE CHARGER, SOCKS AND THERE’S ALWAYS A CONCEALER THAT LOST ITS LID. SO AS A GIRL, YOU’RE ALL PRETTY AND YOU STICK YOUR HAND DOWN THERE AND COME UP WITH ONE CREAMY DIGIT. YOU’RE LIKE YO! NO. YOU’RE LIKE NO! THANK YOU SO MUCH.>>James: THAT WAS FANTASTIC! CHECK OUT “THE CONFIRMED KILLS TOUR” ON iliza.com FOR CITIES AND TICKETS!

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  1. I'm a fan of lliza Shlesinger. I love her. But I wonder why do most if not all comedians become not funny when they're on TV?

  2. She's entertaining because she's ruthlessly self-deprecating while still providing solutions per insult. She's very strategic. It sounds like she's ranting because of her speedy while charismatic delivery. It sounds believable.

  3. Hey I been trying to pursue my comedian bound life but do not know how to post a you tube video on how to do it but I got some jokes y was tiger woods facing legal action becuz he hit a birdie on par 4 and also what did the frog say when hes done with the book he says well I read it what disease do u get when u are a fish in the lake the swimmers ear

  4. Nature valley got me fucked up😂😂 I legit always have a half eaten bar and eat it when I see fit😂😂😂😂

  5. I screamed at the concealer without a top joke because that was so accurate! Lmao “one creamy digit” I’m deceased

  6. Iliza Slezsinger thinks her attractiveness should compensate for creating good jokes. She's Sebastian Maniscalco's female doppleganger. They should have a preen off.

  7. Everyone who thinks she's being sexiest. she's not she's making fun of the thing that we all think we know. that girl's always find something wrong with them and guys put women down just because they think no women is strong enough to stop them or tell them that they're wrong. and it's true for most women that we always think we need to fix SOMETHING about our body's. I admit that when ever I look in the mirror and see that my stomachs even the littlest bit big the first very quick thought is I need to lose some weight but I know that I'm not fat or overweight. then I look at my face and I think ugh my teeth look disgusting or I have bags under my eyes and they make me look ugly but you know why I'm thinking so harshly about my facial features. it's because I have been told time and time again that "your teeth are gross" or "theres something wrong with your face or you look like you were just punched in the eyes" but you know what keeps me here.my friend who tell me "I'm ugly" or "I'm fat" and I know that even though I can see past that about my self. they can't see past that about themselves. so I stay here to help them. girls, you are truly all beautiful in someone's eyes and that someone is the only person who truly knows you and sees you. stay strong for me. and we can all make it through this together.💝💖💞💓💋❤

  8. I loved her own way to say things. One question though: Why "God bless America" at the end of her performance?

  9. Lol my husband has had to go "were going to memorial enough with the glitter" , i was just trying to be happy lol

  10. Comedians need a better exit routine than just suddenly pulling "Thank you, you've been amazing" out of the hat.

  11. I like the ditzy drunk girl " Flipper" noises she makes. Maybe it's a sheep noise but it sound likes Flipper to me. Dolphins are smarter, so perhaps they are sheep. That would fit the stereotype.

  12. She not untalented, probably clever. But, its completely lost on me and many men. Her routine, its content was created almost exclusively for women and has not anything for straight men to sink their teeth into. Not what I expected, but 👍👍.

  13. Keep banking on one of her videos not being funny so I can go to bed and be normal at work tomorrow…still no luck after an hour.

  14. Bruh I'm a guy and when she said "why is there always a crumbled up" I knew she was gonna say granola bar😂😂 girls are all the same when it comes to their purses

  15. What's with the Little House on the Prairie braids, Jesus Christ when will women learn that little girl hairdos don't look good on 30 odd year old mutton.

  16. She's very neurotic. Not every girl is like this. Fixing everything all the time… I found that even worse than overachieving on getting reading. You don't even know yet if that guy deserves the effort. Also, you come across as very unrelaxed.

  17. Omg my bag has socks and a charger and crumbs of a granola bar and a concealer that has lost its lid D: was she inside my bag?!

  18. I have to say this, many of you new agers are intelligent people when it comes to knowledge about zero point energy and UFO technology but Biblically you are deceived. The fact is this: The LORD JESUS CHRIST, God, not aliens or genies, destroyed the Sodomites with burning sulfur fire. There may well have been an electrical plasma component to it. The “annunaki” and “aliens” are fallen angels and their biorobotic clones who are designed to deceive people. When the Rapture of the body of Christ from the Earth happens, that is how it will be explained away to the masses; UFO abduction. Zero point energy is all real and God created it. Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and be saved. Then you will have all of your sins forgiven, escape Hell the Lake of Fire, and you will get access to these super technologies in Heaven and the New Earth.

  19. I really like listening to female comedians who arent just insulting and hating on men the whole time, i dont often get to hear the female perspective and understand their side of dating and things

  20. 😂😂 why is “God” in god damn blanked out but not “damn” or “hell” or “God bless America” 😂😂😂😂😂

  21. Well she didn't say it all. I had a lysol in my bag before 😂😂😂 multi-purpose…for my stinky shoes and at the same time serves as a pepper spray 😂😂😂😂

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