I was travelling in an Uber recently and I was siting in the front seat because I am a nice guy Leg room….leg room chahiye tha And this guy starts talking suddenly, like he is supposed to “Sir, aapne woh picture dekha hai kya, Kingsmen?” ‘Woh to English hai na?’ “To kya ho gaya? Dekha hai kya?” ‘Nahi dekha yaar. Bol na, kya ho gaya?’ bolta hai, ‘Usme aakha story hai na – Reliance ka hai.” ‘Detective hai na koi?’ “Usme pata hai kya hai – Villain hai na villain…” “Woh sabko free main SIM card baant deta hai!” Then the car stopped at a signal. Wahaan ek mumfali waala aaya I thought lete hain. Then I thought do lena padega, usko offer karna padega Usko offer karna padega, he will say no, it will become awkard… By that time, he bought two, gave me one! …theek hai fir, yahi hai acche din shaayad See; these no, are modern Indian jobs Uber Driver Stand-up comic Pakode waala… People have been complaining that there is unemployment in the country Which I don’t feel is true I think it’s a matter of perception If you can re-brand a few things If you an re-brand begging – as crowd-funding …kitna jobs hai, sab log employed hai If you can re-brand daily wage workers as freelancers If you can re-brand a chai waala as a motivational speaker to desh badal sakta hai, hai na? Kitna jobs hai India main, why are people complaining? There are some uniquely Indian jobs Only in India you will find an automated vending machine employing a human being! It’s an IT job! At the metro station you will find there is a guy on the platform It is his job simply to keep people-from jumping-to death! This is his entire job description Woh poora din yahi kar raha hai ‘Bhaisaab peeche aaiye, peeche aaiye, peeche aaiye, thoda peeche…’ ‘Arre BC peeche aa na!’ ‘Dekhiye, dekhiye ye jo aa raha hai na ye… ‘…woh Maut hai!’ ‘Aur aap insaan ho, hai na?’ What a great job! Once a lady called me and she asked me to port to Vodafone while I was-on-Vodafone Yaani ye human capital nahi hai – ye human chillar hai! But if you really want to see how unemployed people are in this country You should go to a Sarvajanik Ganpati Visarjan Heights of unemployment Mawaaliyon ki paltan, har jagah pe Yaani raste ke beecho-beech Signal laal hai, rickshaw waala horn maar raha hai, Gaay hug rahi hai side pe ye aadmi naach raha hai! Tere baap ka shaadi hai kya? Have you ever wondered how is this guy so happy? How is he so motivated? What is – his CTC? Ek t-shirt – Do Samosa! Yahi hai na cost to company? ‘Bhaucha सौजन्याने’ He is also a freelancer Isn’t it amazing how this festival has grown from being a secret meeting for freedom fighters to…Sunburn for Sanskari people Every year you see Bigger hoardings, more sponsors LED screens! Aur log kama rahe hain, bahut I think you will see, do-teen saal main aayega Lalbaugcha Raja IPO aayega Usme karo invest, tax free! Season ke time main har film main gaana aa raha hai Ek Punjabi song, ek rap song, ek Ganpati song Ek gaana tha picture main, woh ga raha hai aisa – ‘Ganpati Bappa Morya – Pareshan kare mujhe choriyaan!’ Woh Ganpati ko dekh ke ga raha hai aisa! Ganpati bhi dekh raha hai Kya kay kar raha hai kamaane ke liye, sharam kar! Khuda ka khauf kar ! My favorite part of this festival are the hoardings of the organizers who are your local goondas You know some of them They are everywhere. And there are many people on the hoarding They are looking like Third World Avengers! Upar teen – Brahma-Vishnu-Mahesh Uske neeche dus hai, manager level ka goonda hai woh Uske neeche bees hai, intern level ka goonda hai woh Usme ek goonda photo ke andar baat kar raha hai phone pe aisa Photo ke andar! Sponsor ko phone kar raha hai – Eh hafta bhej! Aur ek goonda hai usne photo ke andar rumal baandha hai chehere pe aisa Photo ke andar! kyonki case chalu hai na Par contribute bhi karna hai society ko, kaise karega? See, I admire these guys I look up to them Because I feel they are self-starters Ye log har saal khud ka appraisal khud hi kar rahe hain! Every year you see the goonda rising up on the hierarchy – of the hoarding First year he is – Karyakarta phir Swayamsevak phir माननीय अतिथि phir Contractor phir… Jail phir Parliament! phir ek-do scam – to banta hai na? CTC main aata hai Aur phir London! What a great career graph!! Because in this country Behind every successful man there is a National bank Waiting to go bankrupt! Apun khaali-fukat MBA kar liya Market ke behekaave main aa ke When I passed out, MBA was the… Jio sim card of my time Sab log kar rahe hain ‘Arre rakhna ek kaam aayega, arre rakhna…’ ‘…just in case, kaam aata hai ye sab cheez ‘Arre meri Ma ke paas do hai, rakh na ek!’ JIO sim cards are so cheap right? I heard these sim cards are so cheap ki log Dance bar main JIO sim card phek rahe hain aisa! Brands don’t want growth anymore They want world domination. Kuch bhi growth ho raha hai I heard that IIM Indore has a Mumbai campus – in Belapur! Yaani is main kaun kisko chutiya bana raha hai samaj nahi raha… Then someone told me ye campus nahi hai Woh building hai do maale ka bus Us main ek khidki hai Wahaan se Xerox bahar aata hai Ki ye le beta tu bhi MBA aaj se – chal aage! I grew up middle-class like most comics are supposed to Then I thought aage aane ka hai life main MBA kar liya Dekha – sab log kar liya tha Sab log MBA Sab log manager Sab log Bangkok I thought ye nahi chalega yaar Apne ko alag karna hai kuch life main. Alag karna hai ki nahi? So then I started doing stand-up after that… 🙂 …Ab ye bhi sab log kar rahe hain! Sab log hi jar rahe hain, dekha hoga aapne Stand-up has become the Goa of career options Par kya hai… Goa jaate bahut log hain Umeed le ke (uncles in audience getting nostalgic) Waapis aate hain Kaju leke! All jobs are the same now, all hobbies are also the same I think most of us here will agree sub-consciously that if you really like doing something – it’s not a job If you like it it can’t be a job right? Which is why artists find it very difficult to get paid for their work Coz people are like: Tereko to maza aa raha hai na… Paisa bhi chahiye! Kitna laalchi aadmi hai ye Sharam kar! Khud ka khauf kar! Ye le JIO sim card le naach! To exposure bahut milta hai sim card milta hai kabhi kabhi Paisa nahi milta. So I have decided I will change This is not working As an artist you can’t go through life I’ll become a…corporate artist or a brand The worst of both worlds! I’ve started, I’ve got a company of my own now It’s called Chalta Hai Comedy Yeah, for real dude, Chalta Hai kuch bhi! And at first I thought kaise karenge Naya company hai, unknown company hai How will I get people? Who will work for me? …log kahaan se aayenge? A friend said, “Dude, tere ko log nahi chahiye…” “…tere ko interns chahiye yaar.” ‘Intern log nahi hote kya?’ “Nai nai, arre, interns are sub-human species!” “Kuch bhi kar, ek taapli maar, usko bol ek coffee leke aa intern, idhar aa chal!” “Uska naam bhi nahi yaad rakhna pata hai tereko?” And he was right, bahut log hain They need experience – you need feel good about yourself It works! 10-15 aa gaye aise hi And now I know that they are not really employees also. They are just people who pretend to work for you And you prepare to pay them. Symbiotic relationship And I am learning from them They are you people. They don’t want the same things in life They don’t want sick leave, casual leave. They want… Break-up leave! Le phir! (Break-up, aur kuch nahi) One guy took a long leave He just didn’t inform me about it Chale gaya kahin pe… (Goa hi gaya rahega) 15 days black out! He cam back, I said, “Kahaan pe tha tu?” Bolta hai, “I had gone away to find myself.” Waapis aaya abhi bhi woh chutiya hi hai… Which is why I think that this is the only way to grow I am going to keep on hiring interns coz you can’t do it on your own You need people to work for you In fact now I feel that throughout human history Interns have been useful in doing the biggest projects for mankind Thoughout history Pyramids kaun banaya? Interns! Masjid kaun toda? Interns! AIB ka memes kaun banata hai? That’s how empires get built On the graves of interns! Nameless, faceless, penniless, blameless labourers Lanka kaun jalaya? It was a private army of interns right? And they did great work par unko mila kya badle main? Ek t-shirt – Do Samosa!