– That reminds me of the notebook my girlfriend made me that time, Jay. – Oh yeah. – My girlfriend made me a
notebook and she wrote a poem in the first page about
life’s gonna be a journey, and this and that, and I didn’t know we
were exchanging gifts. So I ran to Walgreens real quick, and I bought her a bottle of Softsoap. That’s what I gave her back, it’s for her hands.
– It’s pretty good though, how’d you sell it, how’d
you sell the Softsoap? – I was like, you’re clean like this soap. – What? – I don’t know, I had no idea what to do. – Wash your pussy, and I’ll fuck ya. – Yeah, that’s what I was gonna say. – Yeah, wash your butthole. – You gotta berate her, if
you’re gonna lose berate her. I’ve learned that. – Your pits stink bitch. – All right you stinky
bitch, here, here’s soap, – Clean up you garbage. (rock music) (flame crackling) Oh my God, it wasn’t
6:08, we weren’t ready. We weren’t ready, when we hit
second verse we weren’t ready. – [Dan] Scrambling for our headphones. – Scrambling. It’s “The Bonfire,” Comedy
Central Radio’s Sirius XM 95. I’m Big Jay Oakerson,
that’s Dan Soder, Tuna Dan. – Fucking love it. – Tuna Dan.
– Love it. – Did ya get it? – Yeah, I got it. The machine’s not ready
yet, it’s warming up. – Oh my Christ on the cross. – Hey, welcome to “The Bonfire,” millions of dollars in
technology that warms up. (all laughing) Like a lawn mower. – Or an ’84 Datsun.
– The carburetor’s stuck. – Yeah, they just have a bunch
of small fucking engines. Mm mm mm mm. (engine revving) There’s an engine room. – If you can get it out,
but it’s gonna be cold. – [Mike] Lift the hood up. – What kinda “Swiss Family
Robinson” fucking energy does this place run on? – You have to finesse it, come on, baby. Give daddy what he needs.
– Come on. – [Mike] Come on.
– Give daddy what he needs. – If Lou was being
chased to start the show. He’d be like, “Come on.” – “Come on.”
– “Mm mm mm mm meh.” “Mm mm mm mm meh.”
– Come on, I’ll put it in 90. – Come on beautiful, come on beautiful, give me what I need
– just start now. – beautiful.
– Come on, Big D. – Beautiful, give me it! – He’s smoking a cigarette, he goes, “The last thing I needed
is Dan needing a drop “right off the start.” (man and woman moaning) – [Woman] Oh, do you love that baby? – [Lou] Fucking love it. (laughing) – There’s no way just to cut it to the fucking love it, is there? – That is a porn. – [Lou] Kinda. – Mike, that someone found. – He doesn’t have his headphones
on, he doesn’t believe in listening to the sweet
sounds of Lou Witzki. – I was letting ’em warm up.
– Oh. (all laughing) – You don’t wanna get shocked,
you don’t wanna be wearing them cold things. – Yeah, I know, gotta
put my seat warmer on. – What do you want me to
put on hot headphones? – [Mike] Come on. – With a 23 second porn
clip, they don’t show the guy’s face at all,
it’s a point of view porn. – Show his monster dong though. – Monster, huge? White?
– Huge. White. His voice is Dan’s voice. – Keeps his shirt on during sex, which, ace move if you’re being filmed. – Yeah.
– Was it you? – Do you have– (speaking in foreign language) – [Man In Porn] Oh God,
who’s your fucking daddy? – [Woman In Porn] You’re my daddy. (smacking) (woman groaning) – [Man In Porn] Oh fuck, yes. – Oh my God, dude. – [Big Jay] Listen. – [Woman In Porn] Oh my God. Oh, do you love that baby? – [Man In Porn] Fucking
love it. (all laughing) – [Big Jay] I fucking love it. – Yes, dude. – Fucking love it. – Fucking love it. – Danny Bones. – There’s no way, good luck.
– I fucking love it. – My girlfriend heard the
clip and she was like, “You can tell me if you did a porn.” And I was like, you’ve seen my dick. How do you know it’s not me. But also, good luck for me not saying that every
time we go out to dinner. – Oh yeah, totally, yeah. – They’re like how was? Or ask how anything was, you
just go, “Fucking love it.” (rock music) – [Man In Porn] Oh fuck. – How was your flight? – I fucking love it. (moaning) How ’bout that voice
you hear sitting in with us for the show today, he’s
gonna be at DC Improv, January 17th and the 18th. For tickets you gotta go to
his website mikefinoia.com It is Finoich, Finunzio, Pancho Mike, everyone’s (speaking in foreign language). – His brand new show
“Still Chasing” comes out at midnight tonight on Spotify. – Can’t wait. – So, make sure you download it. – [Big Jay] It’s Mike Finoia! – Hey guys. (upbeat salsa music) – Maybe go to YouTube. Yeah, but you can also go to YouTube.com, and subscribe to
– I fucking love it. – “The Bonfire” too. Subscribe to two things man.
– Fucking love it. – I fucking love it.
– I fucking love it. – It sounded like you, if you’re Walkman
batteries were running out. – Yeah. – No, it’s actually extremely
tonally on the nose, it’s perfect.
– Really? – I thought it was
– Listen again. – one octave lower.
– Listen again. – [Dan] Ooh, fucking love it. (laughing) (man and woman moaning) – [Man In Porn] Oh, fuck, oh. – [Woman In Porn] Oh,
do you love that baby? – [Man In Porn] Fucking
love it. (all laughing) – The fucking, the other
one is a little low, but the “Fucking love it.” – It sounds like it’s like
recorded on a Motorola RAZR. – But you’re getting your dick sucked. – What’s the thing that
Kevin McAllister had in “Home Alone Two?”
– Oh yeah, totally dude. – The Talk Master. – The Talk Master. – The Talk Boy.
– Talk Boy. – It’s like Talk Boy Dan. – They recorded into a Talk Boy. – I fucking love it. – But it sounds like you, if
you were fucking, I assume. You get a little more groany. – I actually, when I fuck I go like this, ooh!
– You go high? – He sings falsetto. ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ I’m
walking on sunshine ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ – Ooh! – Your mouth feels like warm butter, ooh! – Ooh, weenie hard.
– I want more! – Me and Mikey outside, got
Starbucks before the show and walked by a– – [Dan] Fucking doing well, huh? – Yeah, I’m killing it.
– I guess turns out – it was a homeless guy
pretending to be on the phone because I thought he was on a flip phone, I assume had to be this
thing, across the street, we were across the street
from him, and you couldn’t see a smart phone but it may
have been a flip phone. But he was on the phone and I
sorta heard it, but I thought maybe he was a person
doing this for money. And Mike goes, “What is
this guy’s fucking deal?” And I look over and he got
his, a suitcase with him? – Mm-hmm, a roller, handle up. – Great. – [Big Jay] And he’s – World traveler. – on the phone, but is he arguing? – [Mike] Mm-hmm. – On the imaginary phone, by
the way, arguing with somebody and singing every other sentence, I mean Broadway loud projecting. – Like if Mateo was crazy. That’s how it was. – He’s like, ♪ I want you out of my house,
you haven’t paid your ♪ ♪ Rent ♪ ♪ You haven’t paid your rent ♪ And then back right to
it and then he goes, “It’s fucked up because you
have been living there too “and blah blah,” it was just bananas. – This happens.
– He’s like, we both got. ♪ The dog together ♪ Like, singing hard dude. – You guys just ran into
someone that’s in a musical. (both laughing) – In his own head. – He’s in a musical and you guys are just fucking background. – And he was talking directly
into the meat of his palm. The whole time we thought
he was on a burner. No phone, not even like
a, like a pack of gum. Empty handed.
– Oh, he’s improving? Oh, that guy’s. – He started whirling and twirling and taking a really big,
like super, not gay hands, (upbeat band music) what do you call that? – Gay hands. – [Big Jay] Gay hands. He goes super gay hands with it. – Hi! – And then, but he got
a little far away from, he forgot his entire life in that travel carry-on size suitcase. – Oh you mean that suitcase full of boas? – And that’s how we found out because, – His apple cores. – yeah dude, because as he was going down, doing his thing you know, he’s like. ♪ It’s a mess, I wanna see my son ♪ ♪ And you’re sleeping in our bed ♪ ♪ It’s my boy too ♪ ♪ Who’s this new friend,
who’s this new man ♪ ♪ Why are you bringing him around ♪ ♪ You can’t keep our kid from me ♪ ♪ I don’t want Cliff
kissing my son goodnight ♪ – And then cut the music,
two months he’s in a meeting in the group home, and he goes, “My schizophrenia actually resulted “in me doing musical numbers.” – “That’s the day I
went ass over tea kettle “right into traffics.” – “Next thing I know I
come to and you know, “I’m on the street and
everyone’s pointing at me.” “I realized I just did a three act play, “right on 44th and 9th.” – He’s like, “I have a bloody hand and
someone else’s luggage.” – [Big Jay] Dude, his bail on it though– – I got cum all over my jeans. (laughing) – His bail on it though,
was like, when he realized he was just too far from his thing, he just dropped his hand
that now we realize is empty, and just did a frustrated, “Oh
my stupid bag’s back there.” And just, you know,
frustrating bitchy walked back. It was insane. – But I feel like they can
just put him in a show. – They could. – Yes, yes. – They could just open up and
be like, “Are you Equity?” And he’ll be like, “You know I am.” “I might not have a home but
I always have my equity card.” (upbeat band music) “Get me in there!” – He’s like, “I’m Equity Johnson.” – What’s the show about?
– Frivolously. – [Big Jay] Frivolously. – “I usually sing about
all the voices in my head.” (all laughing) – “Let me once sing about
the voices in your head.” ♪ They’re telling me to
throw my shit at people ♪ ♪ And dance my brains away ♪ – Here’s my old Jamaican voodoo aunt now. – You know, because with mental illness, it’s hard for them to clarify
what they’re talking about, but just through song you can do it. ♪ I feel like a spider’s in my veins ♪ ♪ I’m gonna bite ya ♪ ♪ If you’re close enough ♪ – He had no problem, I mean, aggressively going towards
somebody else’s personal space. He was not doing these numbers in place, he was working the whole theater. – Yeah, he was.
– It’s weird you bring this up because I was
going back from the city back to Queens today after therapy, and there was a guy on the train talking, sitting down but he had a
decent, he had a good voice. – Are you gonna tell us
your breakthrough right now? Is this your breakthrough? – [Dan] It’s my breakthrough. – Okay. – I realized I was that
man and that man was me. No, there was moment I was like– – Moment on the train. – This happened a lot when
I was drinking, I would see homeless dudes on the
street and I’d be like, I bet I could be you, you know? – Yeah, totally. – I could be you? – I could be you, like, I could wake up. I had that joke for a
while where I was like, alcoholism taught me that
every homeless person I see, I’m always like, oh man I bet you were so much fun 10 years ago. – Yeah.
– But this guy was like– – That guy was rad. – Yeah, that guy was fucking awesome. But there was this guy on the train and he’s talking crazy shit. He’s like, “Jimmy Carter
man, now there’s a guy, “he comes into office and the
whole world’s looking around.” Dude he goes, I swear to
God this is a real thing, he says, he goes, “Phil
Donahue’s on top of the world.” “Number one ratings, comes
out against the Iraq war.” – To nobody? – No one, just to himself,
to the fucking M train, and he’s just going,
“Phil Donahue comes out “against the Iraq war in
’91 and what happens?” (snapping) “They put Oprah on top, and
she’s just a collective, man.” And he’s just like talking right? – I mean, it makes a lotta sense. – I really was like dude, he’s just like a crazy person podcast. – Yeah, I swear, I was
just gonna say that. – So it just started making me laugh thinking about him doing ad reads. (laughing) Where he’s like, “And another thing, “those things are gonna
need, also, Sherry’s Berries, “it’s available at Sherrysberries.com.” – “I assume some of you,
like myself, love boners.” “Let me tell you what
BlueChew can do for you.” – Ad reads for homeless crazy. – “I’m gonna send a mail
bomb with stamps.com.” – “Maybe if Lee Harvey Oswald had BlueChew “he wouldn’t have been in
that clock tower that day.” “Do you ever think
about things like that?” “That’s the way it could
go you guys, think.” “And right now, for only $5 shipping “we’re getting you your
first order for free.” “That’s right.” – “And pretty great, anyways.” ♪ Back to our program ♪ “I’ll fucking chew your face off.” – All right let’s get back into it. – All right.
– Do you ever let your zero for 60 get the best of you where you now are interacting with these fucking wing
nuts on the street? – No dude, I don’t, are
you going towards the fire? – I have, yeah.
– Oh, me too a little bit. – I got face first in the
fire in Astoria the other day where I walked downstairs, I
had my laundry, a backpack, and a bag of garbage, and you
have to go down another flight to bring the garbage. So I put the garbage down,
I’m walking towards my car– – You washed your garbage and
you threw out your clothes. – I threw out my clothes, I
wake up my pants unbuttoned. – Classic, classic sitcom mistakes. – Astoria mistake. – You schedule two dates for
the same night, you gotta go but your roommate, who’s
a total boner, can’t even. (laughing) – I put the garbage down, I
start walking towards the car, this guy goes, “Hey hey,
you don’t leave garbage “in the street!” And
I’m like, buddy, I got– – That’s when you go, “I do,”
and light up a cigarette. – Don’t I? Looks like I just did. ♪ Wow ♪ – That’s The Who song that
starts CSI. ♪ Meet the new boss ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Same as the old boss ♪ – With just a crossing shot
of you smoking a cigarette. – Won’t get fooled again. I walk away, I put my shit
in the car, I turn around, and this guy’s kicking my trash bag. And now all my trash is going
everywhere in the street. – Wait, just like opened up the trash bag? – He just punted my bag. And it fucking like, garbage going everywhere.
– Send it! – And I’m like, really?
– This guy is fucking funny. – I go, this is where we’re fucking going? And it’s mid-day, he’s got you know, Artie Lang sweatpants on, they’re just hanging off
his non-existent ass. And he’s just freaking out on my garbage. and I had to go over and get in his face, and be like, I’m telling the
building that you did this. I go, you’re getting kicked out of this. Now I’m the crazy one. And he’s going, “Please
don’t tell the building.” – He lives there? – Yeah. He’s in my outside, I have
to move, I have to move. The minute I approach him, and I made him pick up the
trash, and I like stood there. You know how it gets sometimes with, – [Big Jay] Sure. – I’m like, this vigilante
for no fucking reason. – You also look like you
would run a chain gang. You look like the cop that would– – I wanted him to join my chain gang. I just wanted to see if he would. – You look like you’d
be like, “Pick it up.” – But I somehow thought
of you ’cause I’m like, do you ever let
– Ticket. – your zero for 60 get the best of you and then halfway through you’re like, “Oh, I’m dealing with a
complete crazy person.” You forget you’re living in
New York and you’re like, “Oh, this guy probably
fucking ate his mom.” – [Dan] Yeah, I– – In your building? I just don’t think any building
mates would be a lunatic. With the way rent is in New York, I guess if someone’s been
there for like a zillion years. – Yeah, but Astoria’s, yeah
but like we’ve had, you know, there’s people who have just
inherited a three bedroom you know, place in some,
and they’re batshit crazy. – This guy moved in above
us a couple years ago and first night in throws a
rager until three in the morning and you’re like, this
guy’s, big Dominican dude. And, I heard one of our
white lady neighbors, the best at “Can you
please keep it downing?” They can jump through the
roof as far as it goes with telling people to be quiet. So I heard ’em, and then so
he was quiet or whatever. But then, it was a one-bedroom above us, I know that for sure. This Asian dude was living
there and I was just like, hey man, what’s up? And he’s
like, “What’s going on?” And my building’s pretty
small and he’s like– – Things are going to
get stinky around here. – 2.0, start now. – But I think one of the dudes
was living in the living room and one of the guys was
living in the bedroom because I’d see both of ’em and I don’t think they were lovers. – [Big Jay] No, so they’re
just living in a weird– – You woulda heard that. – Yeah, if they were lovers, for sure. – Oh yeah, dude.
– You would’ve heard the love. – Carlos Beltran, putting fucking. – Yeah, that’s funny. – Putting Cosmo through the wall. – Our neighbors right next to us will, they blare hard sometimes, but we blare a little bit sometimes.
– You guys blare. – You blare. – You blare, dude. – No. – Remember you blared the fuck out of me when we got the Sonos? – That’s the best story ever. – Yeah, oh yeah. But I’ll tell you what, that group. – I’m gonna die four
years earlier because of that one moment.
– That’s got brick. – That room, your ears will bleed before anybody in that building hears you. You’re not under anybody and you’re not
– And you got brick. – next to anybody. – We had the kind of
passive-aggressive situation with the people next
door that time, ‘member? – But that was for the one in my bedroom, it’s like thumping on their bedroom thing. So, I get that. But here’s the thing, by the
way, they, our neighbors, do music at inopportune times
far more than we ever do. We also, by night time are
just watching TV, not at like, screeching volumes, do
you know what I mean? – Yeah I do like them because they do it not worrying about it when
I do wanna blast music in the middle of the day. – [Dan] Yeah, it gives
you little bit of license. – We’re below people, it
doesn’t really bother them, but the building does. We have enough busy-bodies in the building to police it in that’s own sense. One time, our next door,
those girls next door, apologized to us, when we didn’t even, are the ones who complained, but at like three in the
morning they came in, you heard ’em like, guys,
girls coming into the place. And then just music pinned,
blare, I mean, I mean. ♪ Ch, ch, ch, Chaka Khan ♪
– Ooh. – Chaka Khan.
– Chaka Khan. ♪ Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan ♪
– It’s three in the morning. (“I Feel For You”) ♪ Let
me love you Chaka Khan ♪ ♪ Chaka Khan, love you, Chaka Khan ♪ ♪ Chaka Khan, baby, let
me love you Chaka Khan ♪ ♪ Chaka Khan, that’s all I wanna do ♪ – You go in with a fucking drink shaker. “I been waiting on you.” – “I’m loving this but,
can you bring it to a six?” – “I’ve been waiting for you guys.” “Hey, we’re all gonna get laid.” – Just take over their Bluetooth speaker and just kick in the door and go. ♪ Chaka Khan ♪ – Have you heard the live version of that from Farm Aid? – If you coulda set that up
where you can control the music so they’re listening to
fucking, you know, Lil Peep, and then you change it to Chaka Khan. – Oh my God, that’d be amazing. – [Big Jay] Well, my theme
song, whenever I go– – If you could put a Sonos
speaker in their house. – The minute it ends you
put on “Hanging Tough.” – Dude, Sal, when I go into
Sal’s apartment always, as soon as the door opens,
and by the way, he’s actually started opening the door, and slammed it back in my face
again and had me sit there for a minute because when
the door opens it has to go (“Strike It Up” melody) ♪ Ow ♪ (“Strike It Up” melody) ♪ Ow ♪ ♪ Woo ooh ♪ ♪ Ow ♪ ♪ Woo woo, woo ooh ♪ – And then we sock slide into the place. But yeah, just dominate
and take over their music with a fucking margarita shaker. – [Dan] You should absolutely do that. – No, but it doesn’t bother
me, but our building does, it does police itself, which is annoying. But they started thumping that music at like something in the morning. And I mean, five minutes into it, I’m sure it was, the
super had to come down, pound their door and say something. And the next day they were
like, “We’re so sorry.” I go we didn’t hear it, the girl’s like, I’m like, didn’t even hear it. – Oh my God.
– No, yeah. – We knock on your door
before we call the super, but it kinda, it’s like we
don’t have to knock on a door ’cause somebody’s calling the super. – Bob is like, “Let me handle problem.” “You understand, as child I
watched father have face ripped “off by wolf?” – I know we give him the
best tip in the building, for sure, for the holidays. I think that every year that
buys us, that’s good points. That’s a smart investment. – If I had a super, I’d
be greasing those palms. – You don’t have a super? – Bi-annually.
– You don’t have a super? – Becky owns my super. (all laughing) – He’s everyone’s super. – He’s my super duper good friend. – He’s somehow my super too, in Queens. – [Big Jay] He’s your superwoman. – I gave the guy who
takes care of our building an air conditioner. – Whoa! – And now he’s nice to me. – Wow.
– Yeah. – Yeah, you gave him the gift
of cool air in the summer. – He was like, “No, no, no, how much?” – And I was like, no, no. – Those BTU’s are for you. – Is that the guy that
got you the apartment? That guy was,
– No, not that piece of shit,
– he was clever, that guy. – fuck that guy. – Was he a realtor? – No, no, no, the super. He lives right next door, we share a wall. So I was like hey here
you go, and he was like– – No but I’m saying who got you the? – Oh this piece of shit in a– – [Big Jay] Realtor right? – Yeah, real asshole. ‘Member I called you
and the guy was like– – They can be real gross motherfuckers. – It’s creep guy from the Astoria. – I never dealt with one, ever. – He showed me, do you
remember how hard that was? – I never successfully dealt with one. – Dude, when I was looking for a place when I was moving outta there,
I went to the Upper East, this lady shows up wasted, she’s pickled. And she shows up and goes, she goes, “All right before we go in.” – “I just do this on the side.” – She goes, “Before we go in, “is the bathroom sink a deal breaker?” – What? – And I’m like, yeah, it’s
a fucking deal breaker, she goes, “Just so
fucking high-maintenance “these people in New York.” And like talks to herself and walks away. and I’m like, there’s no
bathroom sink in this apartment? I took a day off work,
so you can show me a– – “How important is, walls?” – It’s crazy. – “Is that like, one to
10, is that like a nine?” – This guys showed me a
place in Woodside, he goes, “Great apartment, great apartment.” We’d have to drive there
together, he opens the door, roaches scatter like we just caught them
fucking selling loosies. – He goes, “Ah, cool look, dude.” He tries to spin it, he goes, “Look, you got a little parade.” (all laughing) – “Such neighbors.” – “Imagine getting that
welcoming every time.” – “Security system.” – “Yeah, look at these,
these guys are home, “those are actually tiny little Roombas.” (laughing)
– I just wanna say it out loud so I don’t forget when we come
back from our first break. – I love you too. – We should look up
too, I love you so much. We should come back to, suburban gang initiation. – Yes, bring up suburban gang initiation. – When we come back from our first break. – [Dan] Awe man. – I don’t wanna take over,
I just wanna get it on the– – Yeah.
– [Big Jay] On the docket. – Well, before we take our
break, we got some lost mail. We should’ve done this on the lost tapes. – I was gonna say that
box looks very Christmasy. It’s festive. – It’s actually pre-Christmas,
it’s December 7th, Jay’s birthday. Jay got, and I’ll let you open it, I just wanna take the wrapping off. I’ll read you the card though. It’s “To Jay from Nicki and
Shawn, happy belated birthday,” so this coulda been mid-December. – Yeah, they said that we,
when will we do the show, a New Year’s show? – [Christine] Mm-hmm. – They sent it like that
week ’cause they were like, “Oh, we thought it would get there before, “but it’ll get there when you get back.” And then I just forgot. It just got here today, I guess. – Yeah, “Thank you for so
many laughs over the years, “we hope that you have an amazing birthday “’cause you love it and I love it.” – Awe.
– That’s great. – “We can’t wait to see you in Hollywood “on New Year’s, crackle crackle.” And then, here you go. – What is it? – [Dan] I don’t know. – I hope it’s another one of Ari’s shits. – Aww man, that’d be great. (laughing) And I’d keep this and
just lick this plastic. – The box is beautiful. – Whoa!
– Wow! – [Dan] Sweet treats? – [Mike] I thought for a
second it was Ari’s shit. – Can I tell you what
Dan did here, I believe? – [Dan] What? – He was trying to have it
be a cake that was rotten and drippy in something, and it turns out it was a
delicious box full of candies. And still I’ll share it with you. – Wait, I wasn’t trying to
make it gross. How was I? – You’re like, “It’s so old.” Open it idiot.
– That’s what Jacob told me. – It was.
– I got what is it, – you go, “I don’t know.” It says “Cake” on the
side, you sons of bitches, you tried to set it up. – This is how you take
a pleasant surprise? – Yeah. – Yeah, you backed away from that shit.
– This is how you process a pleasant surprise is by– – Oh God!
– Oh! – Oh my God!
– What the fuck, dude? – [Dan] Oh fuck. – [Mike] Is that Mothra in there? – I told you it was old.
– Send it. – Send ’em. – “I told you I want the skin.” (laughing) “I want the skin.”
– That’s amazing. What is that shit? – [Big Jay] Ah, kill it, kill it! – [Dan] It’s alive! That’s so weird, what the fuck? – [Mike] Does it only work once? – No, you could just wind
’em up as much as you want. – [Mike] Can I have one? – Yes Mike, and we’re still having, we’re taking a commercial break. Jake, I’m sending it. – Oh no! – Oh, yours died. – Flying into the machine. – Thank you so much, we’re gonna enjoy it. Oh, there’s also, wait,
there’s more stuff. – [Mike] There’s Legion
of Skank stuff in there. – Well, there’s a cake. Which I’d say probably
– Ah, hilarious. – steer clear of the cake. – There’s your stupid fucking cake. (flames crackling) It’s “The Bonfire” Comedy
Central Radio Sirius XM 95. I’m Dan Soder, that’s Big
Jay Oakerson and joining us, the world’s (speaking in
foreign language), Mike Finoia. – Hey everybody. – Mike, your project comes out tomorrow. Tonight at midnight? My project, my project’s due.
– Your pet project. – “Still Chasing,” the show that Mike has spent decades on. – His pet project.
– The Phish story. – It’s, what is “Still Chasing?” – It starts with Mike being born. – Starts with me being born, it’s me looking back on 25 years obsessively following a
band and what it led me to. And I have a bunch of
great interviews including, the final.
– A restraining order from Trey’s desk. – I swear he goes, “Up to and
including the police officers “who removed me from all the venues.” – It goes real good with this
ankle bracelet, actually. – “The officer I have to see.” – He’s like, “I worked at
the Hartford Civic Center “from ’01 to ’06, I escorted
Mike out four different times.” – A lot of it’s me yelling at
a venue from 100 yards away. – Here’s what we have in the
concert security business called acid hands. He’s trying to grab
stuff that’s not there, could be a problem for
other concert goers. – I know you went to a
zillion shows, like recently, as part of this project to get
interviews and stuff, right? – This year I did 22 Phish concerts. – What are your serotonin levels at? – Pretty low. Pretty low. I micro dosed mushrooms the
entire month of December though, – That’s pretty cool.
– to try to get ’em back. – Really? – Got myself off Lexapro with mushrooms and I took a quarter
of a gram of mushrooms every four days – [Big Jay] Well doctor let me ask you this.
– in December. And you could push me over
with a feather emotionally, right now, I been crying a lot. But otherwise it’s pretty great. – Just getting all the things connected again.
– What’s the big deal? – I went Christmas card
shopping and I saw just a card with a polar bear that said “Dad…” and I bawled my eyes out in the middle of Rite-Aid.
– Wow. That’s a problem. – I took a little too much.
– Do you have pregnant lady? – Do you have pregnant lady emotions? – That’s what mushrooms does. – Oh, I have pregnant lady emotions often, but that’s just one
more, I’m like, oh yeah, that’s one of the one’s
where I’d be like, oof, you’re not good, there’s something wrong. – What, if you broke right there? – I’ve broken over things,
dude movies and music can get me very, very easily. And when it does get me
very easily, I’m like, oh shit, I’ve fucked up or something.
– Yeah, dude, when you get like that. – The faucet opens then it’s hard to stop. – Ah dude, when that fucking hairball gets caught in your throat and go. (gagging) – Ah. – Are we gonna fucking do this? – And then, but the talk over your cry. (crying) When you talk over a cry and you’re like, “Hey, what are you talking about?” – “I just wanted to say that.” – If you were depressed
crying about yourself, like boo-hooing yourself and
you had that “Rocky 3” cry, everyone around you
would go from being like, “Dude, stop saying this about like.” (muttering) You’d be like, they’d be patting
your back and going like, looking over each other going, “What the fuck?
– “Wanna take a walk?” – “What is this guy doing?”
– “You wanna go leave?” – [Mike] “What’s wrong with you?” – [Big Jay] “Like dude, I
think we should just leave “him alone, and everyone goes.” (muttering) – He goes, “You think we
should leave him alone, “listen to him?” That’s what I’m saying.
– That’s how I cry. It’s weird. – I cry like that when I lose video games. – “I didn’t wanna, I didn’t wanna do it, “there’s a button, I hit the button.” (wailing) – “Why didn’t I charge it?” (Rocky wailing) – “I got up to get to the
bathroom and then it started.” (wailing) – [Man] You?
– [Man] Yeah, I’ll call you. – That’s the best. (speaking in foreign language) (groaning) “I didn’t even wanna
play this stupid game.” “My computer always
cheats for the other guy.” (wailing) (all laughing) “I keep pushing the buttons
and the button’s not reacting, “I don’t know if my controllers broken.” “You always got the good controller.” (wailing) – That’s right, you go, “And the computer likes
you better than me!” (wailing) (wailing) “You know buttons that I
don’t know and it’s unfair “’cause you played this before.” (wailing)
– “We never go to my house, “we always gotta play at your house.” – “You musta put a code in on yours “because it’s not working for me.” “I’m doing the same fucking
thing you’re doing.” (wailing) (Dan wailing) (wailing) (praying in foreign language) – Rocky doing Hebrew prayers is the funniest
– It’s the best. – Goddamn thing. (praying in foreign language) (all laughing) (wailing) – Jacob you have big on this thing, I hope you put it on
everybody’s sheet of paper ’cause it’s in– – It is.
– It’s written, oh thank God. That’s what he was telling
me, he goes, “STD map, “find out what you got Jay.” – Oh yeah, “The Sun” put up a,
was it “The Sun” that did it? Wait ’til you see who’s number one.
– Tabloids. – Wait, so it’s, what STDs, what states? – Bring it up, you’re gonna see. (exhaling) – I love this. – There’s some sensual, sexual findings. – I hope it’s a fun map. Remember when it’s like
a map of downtown Denver, it’s like a big sign,
like, Shotgun Willy’s. Like the signs huge!
– Whoa! – Chlamydia! – The cactus has legs. The herpes sores are high-fiving. – New Hampshire’s got chlamydia. – I would say we jump the gun, by the way, on those suburban gang initiation videos, we had a hard time finding it. – [Mike] They stink? – If anybody else– – [Christine] I have like three, they’re all Proud Boy
initiations and it’s– – Well that’s just, I
know what that is though. That’s just like it’s all kinda the same thing.
– Yeah, it’s just punching. – This is an STD map with the highest rate of sexually transmitted disease. The U.S. cities with the highest rate of sexually transmitted diseases. Coming in at number one,
knocked out of the playoffs, but still up top, the
STDs, it’s Baltimore. – Hey! – [Dan] With chlamydia. STD cases per 100,000, 2004 that’s a– – Most popular? I didn’t know this was
a popularity contest. – Well, really it is, but only
the popular kids vote on it. – ‘Cause chlamydia, that’s
more Montgomery, Alabama shit. – Shout out to Philadelphia
for being number three on the list. – But with? ♪ Gonorrhea ♪ ♪ Gonorrhea ♪ ♪ Ooh ooh ♪ ♪ Gonorrhea ♪ – [Mike] Bucking the trend, look at that. – That’s just a pill. – Baltimore, if you’re in the
Mid-Atlantic, just look out, ’cause there’s chlamydia
and gonorrhea going around. – Yeah really, huh? It’s like a swath. – Oh, New York City coming
in at Number 13 with– – Yeah, but look. – [Christine] Well, it seems
like it’s down in the Bronx. – Boogie Down Bronx.
– Well, it’s Bronx, – [Big Jay] it’s the Bronx. – The Boogie Down coming in. – [Christine] But then
Manhattan’s there too. So it seems like
– BX. – [Christine] New York would
be one if you’d combined ’em. – Wow. – Yeah. – I guess we gotta split the findings. – [Big Jay] No, they’re not gonna do that. – That’s how bad it is. Like, New York City, East Village. – They’d be too, they’d be
way higher than anything. They’d be 1,000 more than anybody else. – Good job Denver, getting
into the smashing top 25. At number 19.
– Yeah, Denver. – Yeah, Denver. – [Dan] With chlamydia. – Peoria. – But, it’s at a higher altitude. So it drips, it drips thinner.
– Yeah, totally, yeah. – Killeen, Texas.
– “5280, bro.” – “Sorry bro, you got altitude chlamydia.” – Dude, what’s up with Philly? – They couldn’t do this with like, Africa, ’cause it’d be too much like AIDS. Everybody gets sad.
– It’s just bummer, it’s just bummer. – chlamydia, crabs, crabs, chlamydia, AIDS,
– CT Fly. – AIDS.
– Oh, God. – Oh, God.
– Oh God, AIDS. – Babies with AIDS.
– Horrible AIDS. – Oh God. – [Big Jay] Horrible AIDS. – Extra Worse AIDS. – AIDS Extra, what’s that? – Stage 12, AIDS Plus. – [Mike] AIDS Plus? – AIDS XT, I don’t even
know what that means. – Super AIDS. – Turbo AIDS. – [Lou] What are the
symptoms of chlamydia? – [Big Jay] What? – What are the symptoms of chlamydia? – What are you feeling?
– Why, you got ’em, cowboy? – I don’t know. – What, you got a little
burn in your pistol, cowboy? – Pistol cowboy? – Little stingle when you tinkle. – You got an itchy prison wallet? – I don’t know Hop Along Batot,
what’s going on with you, your spurs get to trembling? – Yes, yes, yes. – Yes, yes, no, yes. Symptoms of chlamydia, pain
or burning while peeing. Pain during sex. – Lower belly pain, and that’s
a scientific word, belly. – Abnormal vaginal discharge. May be yellowish and have a strong smell. – AKA asparagus piss. – Bleeding between periods. Pus or a watery milky
discharge from the penis. – Milky. – Hey, swollen or tender testicles. – Then I have it. – Tender testicles. – I got tender Ts. You felt ’em. (laughing) – TTs. – I got wet onions, dude. You ever watch when they like test paper towels?
– I just pictured Santa. “Tell us when you’ve got tender Ts.” I got some tender Ts. – I got some tender Ts, dude. – “Watch out, dude, I got
some tender Ts, my man.” (rubber band snapping) – Dude, shut the window.
– Oh! (all laughing) – Tender Ts. (groaning) Ha. Sit soft. – We shoulda done the bat video. – Oh, I’ve been having terrible
abnormal vaginal discharges. – Hey, I always thought pus was two Ss. – Puss.
– And this is all chlamydia. – Oh, that’s puss. – So this dominates the list, right? Gonorrhea in Philly is the only one that really goes against the grain. – Yeah, I think it
dominates ’cause it says that chlamydia usually has no symptoms. So people probably get it
and pass it around a lot without knowing they have it. – I thought that was syphilis, doesn’t syphilis make you go crazy? Isn’t that what Al Capone died of? – [Lou] Yeah, it was. – [Big Jay] Mike sat with me in– – That’s that crazy pussy. – Oh man, yeah. – In Alcatraz.
– Mike sat with me – in San Francisco while I
had my dick checked by a doc. So I got tested for all these things before this went on the air. – You had itchy peen. – No, it wasn’t itchy,
it was on fire, burning. But I think it was because I was putting– ♪ She’s on fire ♪ – I was putting so much creams,
it was all over my hands. – Yeah, dude.
– You’re putting – chili oil on there. – I think I just touched
my dick and like– – It’s that story that I told on the show when I had halal for the
first time when I moved here and then I put the red sauce on my hand and went in the bathroom
and touched my dick. – You had tender Ts? – Yeah, dude, I had some TTs, tender D. – My buddy’s had a
restaurant in Connecticut and a guy ate wings and
then fingered his chick, and gave her fucking. – Did he have to put ranch on it first? – Just fucking jamming celery up there. – We’re gonna have to
get a base for that acid. – Good and better news, – Carrot sticks. – I gotta finger you with blue
cheese all over my fingers. – I hooked up with a chick
before I moved to Denver, and I got to Denver,
and about a week later she calls me and she goes, “Hope you’re having fun in Denver, “I have chlamydia and I got it “from either you or another guy.” “So I recommend you go get tested.” – “And his name’s Chlamydia Pete.” “So I don’t think it’s him.” – Yeah, it’s a little too on the nose. – Old Chlamydia Pete,
he dances for nickels. – Chlamydia Pete, he goes,
“He gave me gonorrhea.” – “He was a boxcar guy.” – “He gave me the crickets.”
– “He gave me the crickets.” – [Mike] “He was bad.” – We have so many topics
here that I wanna get on. – I wanna tell you real
quick about the project that came out, Dano. – Oh, we gotta. It’s an album
– Final ever– – of whale noises. – Listen. The final ever interview with Ken Kesey. I did it.
– Whoa. – And it’s in there. I have a portion of my
interview right in there. And I knew you’d like it ’cause you’re a Hunter Thompson guy. – Yeah. – And Kesey’s in there, so
I did an interview with him and it’s in that.
– Bringing. – It’s the first time I ever did anything with this interview. – Kesey bringing acid to gen pop. – It’s pretty neat. – Well, the Angels. – I just wanted to tell you
that, that’s all, that’s all. – Dude, check that out. – So fuck you, dude. – So that’s it. That’s
all I wanted to tell you. – Why are you guys fucking
turning against me? Are we having sweets?
– You’re a literary guy and I’m a literary guy. And we share that.
– I love it. – So, I thought you’d like it. – Then download Mike’s show at midnight. Why are we doing this? – All right, God. – You guys are both literary guys? – [Mike] Yeah.
– Is that what we’re doing? – [Mike] You’re not. – Is that what we’re
gonna lead with right now? – Jay, I’m into poetry. – Sometimes we go verse for verse. – We do sonnets. – At night, from Astoria.
– A couple literary guys. – We yell out the window,
iambic pentameter. – Are you guys part of the
Astoria Greek Book Club? – Yeah, our poetry club’s pretty sick.
– Ooh, wee, ooh. We meet at the meat truck. – You guys get halal. – [Mike] Halal and scat. – What does halal mean? That they fucking make the
animals bleed out first? – It’s blessed. – [Big Jay] That’s it? – That’s it.
– [Big Jay] No, I think– – I don’t know, I just know it
means it’s pretty affordable. – [Big Jay] I thought they drain– – I thought it meant it was the seasoning. – And if I got a twomp in my pocket I could probably get two. – I think they drain the blood
is what it is or something? – Vampire meat. – I always avoided it
’cause I thought it was… – People be asking, what
makes something halal? Halal food is which adheres to Islamic law and is defined in the Quran. – I was completely right, holy meat.
– Wow. – [Mike] Yeah, that’s blessed, windpipe. – And all the blood is
drained from the carcass. – You guys are both right, let’s kiss. – I always avoided it ’cause
I thought it was a seasoning. – What? – I always thought halal meant like– – “Do you guys put halal on
it?” And he’s like, “Yes.” – Well, it’s a halal meat. – “The Quran has told me to
prepare the lamb like this.” (laughing) – Dan loves halal. – ‘Cause there’s like
halal rotisseries and shit. – It’s basically chicken and rice. – Shout out to halal,
yeah, chicken and rice. Shout out to the Halal Guys – That sounds amazing. – on 54th and 6th. – Is that what it’s called? – I fucking love it. (laughing) I do, I do fucking love it. – You know they have a brick and mortar in the East Village? – Yeah, I don’t trust that.
– Why do you love it? – You don’t trust it ’cause it’s indoors, that makes sense, dude. – Yeah, dude, I want it
outside, I want the elements. – [Mike] Exhaust, extra exhaust on it. – Trust that, he goes, “Can I
get some taxi funk on this?” (all laughing) – “Can you drag a car tree
in it for three minutes?” – I’m in the restaurant and go, hey, could you start your car up in the back and just put this under it for a little? – I like the Halal Guys. – I love the Halal Guys. – I don’t know if I do, I wanna try it. – I love it. – I fucking love it.
– I love it. – Even the Halal Guys. – I love it. – [Woman In Porn] Oh,
do you love that, baby? (all laughing) – Chicken and rice, white sauce. – I love it.
– I fucking love it. – I love it. – White sauce, I fucking love it. – To go. – I fucking love it. Can we use that clip on the
video since it’s not really? Yeah! – [Woman In Porn] Yes! You’re my daddy. – That’s not you. – Yeah, I woulda stopped that immediately. I don’t like
– That’s the 23 seconds. – that daddy shit talk. – Me either. – I don’t like it, dude. I’m always like, all right,
why don’t you call him? (all laughing) Why are we doing this in here? – Here, I’ll dial. – I also had one, if
a girl was like, goes, “You wanna come suck mama’s titty?” (spitting drink) Ugh, ew. – Oh God, that’s never happened. – That’s never happened either, but that’d be a nightmare if it did. – That’s so funny. – Here just boofed peach iced tea. – “You wanna suck on mama’s titties?” – “You wanna suck mama’s titties?” (all laughing) Do you want
me to suck on mama’s titties? Oh moo, moo, you like that, yeah. – “Suck, get that milk.”
– “Mother’s milk titty.” – “Go and get that milk
up outta mama’s titties.” – “Awe, honey butter, baby.” – “Here, get that milk “outta mama’s titties.”
– Oh! – Well, of course it’s a thing. – [Christine] It’s a whole category. – Of course it is, anything’s a category! – [Christine] Suck Mommy’s Tits Porn. – Suck’s Mommy’s Tits Porn. – I’m into SMT lately. – Dude, fire up SMTs. – SMT, dude. – Oh, dude, I got compilation
video of some SMTs. – Is there any SMTMFFs? – What? – That’s so fun, mm mm mm mm. I would hate if a girl
said that to me also. Don’t call me daddy,
don’t call yourself mama. – Yeah. – “Ooh, mama gonna give it to ya.” – “Oh, you want mama come over “and suck that little penis?” – Are you running a roadside diner? (all laughing) – “What’s mama talking
’bout, you want some cobbler, “you want something “more savory?”
– “Extra pussy.” – “You want a little
bit of this booty hole?” – I know there’s dudes and
chicks that are into it, but just the daddy thing. Always throws me.
– Me and Christine watched. – It is weird. – Last night we watched the
hour and a half ABC News thing on Epstein, I mean, I
know the story of Epstein, but when it’s just laid out. – It’s a story as old as time. – “Beauty and the Beast.” – By the way, old as time,
and the fact that it was all, I didn’t know that it goes back to– – Roman times? – No, I mean like, in the early ’90s. – It’s called Sparta. – Had Zeus and Hera. – I knew the crimes went back
to the early ’90s, the crimes. I didn’t know that he had
already been brought up for this shit. He was a guy
– Oh yeah. – that got away with it a couple times – [Dan] They caught him. – and then was able to like, and not help himself to do it again. – Oh yeah. – Addicted to the danger, man, right? – No, he’s addicted to young pussy. – [Dan] Yeah. – Because it’s not the
danger because it was like, he’d say things like, “The younger the better.”
– Sorry, but he only likes pussy. – And you only want younger the better, if you’re trying to be
dangerous with it simply, maybe 17-year-olds, if
it was exclusively that, you’d go, “Wow, that guy
likes it a really dangerous.” If he’s looking for
the younger the better, then it’s like, he’s a fucking, he’s got a major fucking sickness. – How does that initial conversation go? Like, you’re at one of
them parties, right? And you go,
– “Got any young pussy “around here?”
– “If you’re into “young kids, that’s the guy.” “If you’re into young kids,
like, that’s your dude.” – [Dan] Oh, absolutely. – Shoulda been killed decades ago. – No, but the guy that
brought it up to him casually. – Yeah, like how’s that happen? – He goes, (whistling) “So, you own the place?” He goes, “Yeah,” he goes, (sniffing) “You got any young pussy?” – “Got any kids I could fuck?” – He goes, (exhaling) “Got a couple upstairs.” – They’re getting old. – He goes, “Dude, young
pussy around, you a cop?” – [Mike] “Take your shirt off.” – Yeah, he goes, “You a cop?” – [Dan] “You a cop?” – “Do you mind if my buddy
Bruno pats you down?” – What did he do?
– I do find that weird. – Well, it doesn’t get
into his affiliations because he died–
– Also, how did he make his money? – He died before, dude, – He charmed his money? – he’s a dropout. – Just born into it, one of those, just old money.
– No, no, no, maybe. – [Christine] No, he wasn’t. – Yeah, you’re actually
right, they did say he wasn’t. – [Dan] He made it. – Christine, back this up with me. His ultimate thing was money
manager, is what it said. So he’s like Altman, Selvaggi,
and whatever, basically. – [Dan] Is that what
we’re funding? Harvey. – He was very smart, but
he dropped outta college, but he got a job as a professor at, was it The Barton School,
what was it called? Or something like that? – I’d have to look it up,
it’s a very rich prep school on the Upper East Side
where through the children he met these very powerful parents and became their business manager. – What I don’t understand is when you get to the point where you’re, okay, you got multiple
mansions all over the place. And then you go, “I’ve
been hiding this whole time “that I’m super into really young pussy.” How do you find a network,
this is pre-internet, pre-internet, how do you find a network and be like, you have to break that out? Exactly, he goes, “Dude, I fucking, “you know what’d be good
right now is some cold beer “and some super young pussy.” And you know for the other
guy, the other guy goes, “I know, right?” He goes,
“How young you talking?” He goes, “12, right?” I’m gonna say 12, like that’d
be fucking crazy, right? – [Dan] It’s gross, don’t
you think it’s gross? – Yeah.
– That’d be nuts, right? It’s gross, but I mean, like, you know, I see how some guys get into it, I guess. By the way I’m doing it,
I’d be luring somebody just like this. I’d probably do it if it
was legal in the country. I’m just fucking with
you, I wouldn’t do it. I’d be intrigued just by the idea. Would you be intrigued by the idea? – SNL had such a funny sketch
back when Bill Hader was on where it was Rosetta Stone. And he was like, “I need to learn Thai.” “I’m going to Thailand, for a thing.” (all laughing) There was all sexual
perverts using Rosetta Stone to learn the language of their countries where they could go do fucked up shit. – But they have the thing, where he’s like fishing on a lake. – He died, obviously, but to find out– – Yeah, he died. I’m the person that doesn’t
even think Jeffrey Epstein– – Is dead.
– Is dead. – I go, he’s alive, he’s
walking around, he’s in Memphis. He’s walking in Memphis. – Was it because I was saying
died instead of murdered? That you were thinking I was almost saying why he committed suicide? – [Dan] Yeah. – In my head I keep hearing it too, but I keep saying he died, I
go, they’re making it confirm, oh no, he’s definitely
dead, they’re not saying that it’s either. – My point is, is he dead? – Probably not. – [Big Jay] Hey. – Oh, the autopsy photos,
I didn’t see these. Are they fake though? Are they just like a dummy?
– No, it’s just nothing to it, it’s like, “Look at the neck mark, it coulda.” Who knows, what the fuck are we? – “Jeffrey, this is my guy
that gets me my young pussy.” “Jefferey, how are you?” And he goes, “I’m good.” “I’m good Mr. Welches.” – [Lou] I get a lot of puss. – He has a girl, he has a woman do most of the scouting for him. – Lady. – In New England, right? Isn’t she like in Cape
Cod now, or something? – She’s like, “You wanna fuck kids?” “I fucking got it.”
– “You want “a prison wallet?”
– “I got it for ya.” “I fucking know ’em.” “But, first off.” – Giselene. – Yeah, Giselene. – What a great name for – Gisele. – Someone in the sex industry. – Giselene. – It’s Giselene? It sounds
like what an Italian guy would call a little load.
– Giseline. – He’s like, “Ah, she’s rubbing, “I got a little bit of giselene dripping.” – “Got a little bit of giselene on you.” He’s a piece of shit. – [Lou] I had a distant cousin– – [Dan] That got fucked by him? – Here we go, here we go. – [Mike] Oh God. – [Dan] Oh God. Was he
at the Epstein parties? Which side of the battle is he on? – [Mike] Distant cousin. – [Dan] Gray or blue? – But, he would brag, he
told me and my brother about his trip to Thailand he did an entire tour.
– We’re on radio, dude. We’re on radio and video. – [Lou] Huh? – Just know we’re on radio and video before you say whatever
you’re about to say. – I don’t care. We’ve stopped talking.
– Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, good, burn that bridge. – He didn’t get into specifics
but he was boasting how young the…
– Trim? – Yeah, how easy it
was to get girls there. And he was ranking Thailand to Vietnam. Like he did an entire tour of Asia. And that was the last time
– Dude, if you start doing– – Sex trade.
– we spoke to him. – Wow.
– When was that? – In the ’80s, it was pre-internet? When was the last time you spoke to him? – 15 years ago. No, it was post-internet. – [Dan] It was post-internet? – Did he bring it up
like backyard over beers? Or was it like at the table?
– Yes! I don’t know what he was thinking, like we were gonna knuckle punch? – Yeah, he was hoping to get you onboard. – Yeah, it was like Napster internet too, it was Napster internet. – [Lou] Netscape. – No social media. – [Lou] He didn’t specifically
say, but you could tell, and that was the end of it. I mean like, oh, you fucking pervert.
– That’s weird. – [Lou] You freak. – I think he definitely
left that party and went, “A swing and a miss.” Then he took a chug of his beer. – Gotta find a new family. – [Big Jay] Yeah, right. – My brother and I just
looked at each other like, what the fuck do you mean?
– How the hell did anybody find? Even back in the 1800s,
like cannibals and shit that found each other and
like ate, how do you do that? What’d you put an ad in the paper? – I don’t know. – Like, really?
– [Big Jay] Boy the ’90s, huh? – Right. – [Big Jay] I’m saying. – But if you wanted to find
someone to murder a family, like how do you find that? Like, “Hey, do you know a
murderer, I wanna kill someone?” – Back to your cousin
though, him putting out a BCS top five Asian countries is a big indicator that he’s not into regular sex.
– Became very religious afterwards. – Of course he did, he had to repent. – Super religious. – [Dan] For all that fucking
tight butt that he banged. – Thailand gets a bye in the first round. – Some muggy country. – Again, I know what is
the places to go to for it, but finding the networking. ‘Cause they’re always like, they’re saying that he got killed because
if he started giving his names we’d be blown away. But they did kinda catch Prince Andrew. By the way, they really do. People are so bad at lying in the world, it’s just ridiculous. Like Jefferey Epstein, in his interview, when they’re talking about a girl who’s on the charter of his private jet. – [Dan] Bill Clinton. – I mean, 100 times Dan,
he’s on this charter, over and over again, and
they’re asking him like, “Victoria Johnson?” And he’s like, “I don’t
know, I’m confused.” – [Dan] Who’s that? (muttering) – I mean, he’s really doing
it like, I’m not exaggerating. – [Mike] He’s making noises. – He goes, “Victoria Johnson?” He goes, “Can you spell it?” He says, “Can you spell it?” (muttering) – “Oh, was she the one?” – “Short girl?” – [Big Jay] Yeah, it’s like. – Cello player? – And they giggle and they smile. And I’ll tell you what,
the giggling, and smiling, and the smirking the whole
way through the whole thing, I believe these guys live
so fat that he believes probably making it to, whatever,
he was in his 60s, I guess? – [Dan] Yeah. – That he’s like, “Yeah,
that was the run, dude.” – [Mike] Yeah, “It’s over.” – I bet there wasn’t a
struggle on him dying whether he was killed or not,
I bet it was kinda like– – Because he was dead. – “Yeah, this is the guy
who was gonna do it.” “Oh, they paid the guard to do it?” “Ah, shit, all right, here we go.” – I bet he got like a hot lunch. I bet they gave him a lunch
with a bunch of pills in it and he went back to his
room, and they’re like, “Tonight’s the night.” And
then he just died in his thing and they snapped his neck afterwards. – Was his neck broken?
– Or! – I don’t think he’s dead. – [Big Jay] Here I go with the ideas. You don’t think he’s dead at all? – I don’t think he’s dead. – [Big Jay] Him and Tupac? On that private island.
– You think he’s underneath the Tampa International Airport? – Yeah, he’s in the DIA tunnels. – Him and Tupac are on that private island sucking 14-year-old booty hole. – And he’s like, “Mm mm mm mm mm.” – Good for him. – [Big Jay] “Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm.” – Eating lobster all day long.
– Holla if you hear me. – I get around. – Did you see that Will
Smith was on “Breakfast Club” and said that he was
jealous of Jada and Tupac? – Yeah, how couldn’t he be? – [Dan] I know.
– How could he not be? It was non-stop with them. – I was trying to think how you’d feel just if your wife grew up with a guy that’s not only dangerous,
but a good looking dude, and cool, and you’re like, (clearing throat), fuck, fuck.
– It sucks when you’re in ever single way insanely, far more successful
than Tupac would’ve ever been, absolutely, success
wise, but wait, he knows his wife is choosing, and by
the way he got in great shape, he’s a very good looking
dude, none of those things are the problem, but his
wife’s always gonna think that he was the dangerous,
cool, bad boy, was Tupac. And it’s like, “No, I
went with stability.” Even though, I’m sure she’s attracted, I’m not taking any of that away. – Sure.
– Sure. – ‘Cause Will Smith’s fucking,
but, you know what I mean? But, Tupac never became corny. – Right. – [Big Jay] Like anybody. – No, he’s badass. – Will Smith’s kids are already
kinda of a laughy thing, or adults now even, you know what I mean? – Yeah. By the way, the interview’s great. And Will Smith and Martin
Lawrence are awesome. It’s fun watching them. But I like that Will Smith was like, he was honest about it in
a way that wasn’t like, he wasn’t like trying to save his ego. He was like, “Yeah, it
was weird between us.” “I didn’t wanna talk to him
’cause he was fucking Pac “and I’m the Fresh Prince.” And you know, he was like a badass. And he admits that, and
I like the self-awareness to admit that, ’cause
that’s gotta be like– – It’d be a weird battle. – [Mike] He has to own it at that point. – Also, it’s stuff
like, if Tupac’s playing in your house, do you go
in the room and turn it? “‘Cause you’re like, all right.” – Yeah, “I get it.” – “All right.”
– “I get it.” – You put on “Parents
Just Don’t Understand.” – She’s crying to “Dear
Mama” and hugging a pillow. And you come in there and goes, “I fucking made a
reservation at a nice place, “do you wanna go or not?” – “Do you wanna go?” “He’s staying dead, Jada.” – “Why don’t you bring
his hologram to dinner?” – “Well, this thing’s not
gonna bring him back!” “Ya happy, Willow’s crying, ya happy?”