J.Lo and Shakira’s Halftime Show Blew Cristela Alonzo’s Mind – Lights Out with David Spade

The Super Bowl was last night. Um, I was supposed to watch it. Oh, shit.
Well, whatever. You guys, uh,
don’t seem super sporty, but I’m gonna
walk you through it. Let’s just skip
to the halftime show, okay? J.Lo was the headliner,
technically, but… (applause and cheering) A lot of people think
she did better. -Mi gente. Mi gente. -Right?
-That’s Shakira? All I know is
the whole thing was a big win -for closeups on crotches.
-(laughter) Um, they really got in there. (imitates camera whirring) Uh, go ahead.
You seem excited. (laughter) Well, you seem excited
about the… the singing. -Um, Latinas! Latinas!
-Oh, that’s right. -(applause and cheering)
-Latinas! Uh, first, spoiler alert. -SPADE: Spoiler alert.
-I’m Latina. And, like, I mean,
this is like, like… This-this… this is it. -That’s like the Super Bowl
for you. -Yeah. This is like the Super Bowl. (laughter) It’s amazing, and, like,
the crotch shots. Like, that’s-that’s the part
of the quinceañera people don’t talk about. -They don’t talk about it. Yeah.
-That’s how you know you became a woman–
the crotch shot. Didn’t they twerk off?
That’s what I heard. -I didn’t see it, either.
-They did twerk… -I feel like…
-What people did watching that game in
the privacy of their own home… You twerk off every night,
I heard. (applause) -With their computer.
-They didn’t twerk while… -other people twerking.
-So, let’s say J.Lo’s announced as the headliner, and
then they say, “And Shakira.” -So, there must have been
some meeting. -ALONZO: Yeah. -‘Cause they’re both big stars.
-ALONZO: Yes. J.Lo’s like, “You’re not gonna
shake your butt, are you?” And she’s like, “No,
if I go first? No, no, no.” And she’s like,
“Cause I kind of do that.” Yeah, J.Lo’s like,
“Uh, Shakira, are you gonna do anything
about Latinas?” That’s right.
“Are you gonna talk in Spanish? ‘Cause I kind of…”
Because that must be weird. It’s like a headliner comic,
you go, “Don’t talk about…” Like, when I opened for Pete, he’s like, “Don’t talk about
Jeopardy! Wheel of Fortune. You know, like,
there’s all these things, all these things you can’t do. -So Shakira…
-Human emotions, carnivals, -just stay clear of those.
-Yeah. Don’t talk to the crowd. Try not to use the mike
to amplify your voice. -Yeah.
-Kind of my thing. She’s 43. She’s 50. Can we just give it up
for how good they look? (cheering, applause) -I mean…
-SPADE: You know, Shakira has done
every major sporting event. She even did the Masters. (whispering):
♪ Whenever, whatever… ♪ -(laughter)
-It’s a joke. Um, J.Lo’s fiancé, A-Rod,
was right there on the field, in a shocking turn of events, doing what he does best–
making it about him. Hey! Oh…! (laughter) Even those people are like, “I don’t want to be
in this Insta Story.” I saw that, I was like, “Wow,
Derek Jeter looks bloated.” (laughter) I think it’s weird that,
like, his… like, he’s-he’s with J.Lo,
and he doesn’t show off J.Lo. Like, if I’m with J.Lo, trust…
like, I’m showing off that bitch -(cheering, applause)
-every freakin’ time. Like, I am taking her
to the Carlton. Like, I am taking her
to the 99 cent store. I’m taking her to Big Lots! -I’m, like, “I got J.Lo!”
-But that is… that is a video of what it
must feel like to date J.Lo. You’re like,
“Aah! I’m here with J.Lo! I’m here!” I think you’re…
I think you’re showing off everything he ever wants
to show off right in that frame. -That’s right.
-Yeah. Watch me…
watch me watch this!

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