Jessa Reed – Meth Pee – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored


– I don’t really know
what the fuck the article was trying to say,
but what I heard it saying was that we were pissing out thousands of dollars
of liquid gold. And I was gonna be rich. – Welcome to, um… to “This Is Not Happening.” I’m your host, Roy Wood Jr. Whoo. Whoa.[music slows and distorts]♪ ♪Uh… [indistinct whispering] [indistinct speech] Whoo. Ooh. Ooh.[indistinct speech]Tonight’s episode
is all about…[scraping, sniffing, bubbling][cheers and applause]She hails all the way
from Philadelphia, PA. Jessa Reed, everybody![cheers and applause]– Tonight, I’m gonna
tell the story of the last time I drank piss. Stop me if
you’ve heard this one. First, I’m gonna explain how I went from
being totally normal to the kind of person that has
a story about drinking piss. Multiple stories. Okay, so like,
the first time I tried meth… [audience laughs] I was 22,
I was at a gig in Montana– when in Rome–
and I tried it on accident. I would never purposely
try meth, I’m not a scumbag. [audience laughs] I thought it was coke. And I thought it was coke
’cause the guy that gave it to me
told me it was coke. And what kind of world
are we living in if you can’t trust
a stranger giving you drugs? So I do the line, and the back
of my head catches on fire. [audience laughs] And I’m like,
did you just slip me meth? Who slips people–
so I yelled at him. I was like, I don’t even think
you roofie right, idiot. Supposed to roofie girls
so you can fuck ’em, not so they can help you
take apart your microwave. Okay, so this is where
shit gets weird. Here’s the thing,
don’t ever try meth. ‘Cause it’s fuckin’ awesome. And you won’t want to stop. I did the accidental
roofie meth and was just addicted to meth for six years after that. Like, ruined my life. I was just trying
to do a bump at the club so I could learn
how to line dance or whatever the fuck they do
in Montana. Now I’m alone in my hotel room, shaving off my eyebrows
and shit. I get back home
to Portland, Oregon. I quit doing comedy
so I could pursue meth full-time. Really seemed like
that was gonna work out better than it did. I mean, it probably paid
about the same. I see we have comedians
in here tonight. It was crazy, though,
’cause I was so high. I was high as shit. So I didn’t even realize the gravity
of what was happening. I felt like I had
just discovered the secret to happiness. I got home. I was bragging to my friends
and family about my newfound meth habit. Fuckin’ none of them
were happy for me. And then I just
got defensive, like, “Well, this is who I am now,
so if you can’t handle”– whatever fuckin’
Marilyn Monroe quote. “You can’t take me
at my meth-iest, you don’t deserve me
when my trailer blows up.” So my parents asked me
to vacate their basement before I start selling off
the TVs and shit. And I move into
this sketchy meth hostel with multiple dudes
named Shorty. And I just go
completely off the rails. Here’s the thing, though,
when you’re high on meth, you can justify
any kind of behavior. You can rationalize, like,
everything just makes sense. I think it’s ’cause your mind
is so open. Like, if you watch a video
on the Internet of somebody vacuuming their front yard
on meth, you’re like, “That is crazy.” That’s ’cause you’re only using
6% of your brain. If you were firing off
at 98% meth capacity, you would be like, “Fuck,
that makes perfect sense! My yard is filthy!” So, still, nothing
seemed amiss to me. I’m living with the Shorties,
I’ve got no job, I lost my driver’s license,
I lost contact with my family, but I was in daily
communication with the aliens. Blues and grays, it was wild. My teeth fell out so fast,
it was like how I imagine if a witch put a spell on you. They just crumble like they’re
made of sand and hairspray. I was just–
[spitting] Sorry. And my whole life
revolved around meth. All I cared about was meth,
but I-I was like, yeah, but like,
I’m only snorting it. That’s practically
recreational. I’m not like an addict
like those guys that smoke it. Look at them, they’re a mess. So when I started smoking it… [audience laughs] That was a social decis–
I knew, I was like, I’m gonna be here for a while, and I want to integrate
into my meth community. You know what I mean,
I want to, like, kind of plug in, and it was a social thing
for them. They would sit around
and smoke meth and talk about where they
were gonna steal mail that day. It was like joining
the tweakers’ Elks Lodge, you know, so I was like… and by that point,
I had been doing it long enough to know that as long as
I don’t shoot up, I’ll be fine. Right? So when I started
shooting up… [audience laughs] That was a financial decision. Because you have to
smoke that shit all day. It is not cost effective
at all. You can shoot up
once in the morning, you’re good
for the rest of the day. It’s probably the most
fiscally responsible decision I’ve made as an adult,
if I’m being honest. But I have super small veins, so I had to shoot up
in my neck. Yeah, sorry, I’m trying
to ease you guys in here. It gets way the fuck worse. Shooting up
in your neck is, um… Inconvenient. [audience laughs] ‘Cause someone else
has to do that for you. And the kind of people
that possess the skill set to hit you in your jugular… Not the kind of people
that are fun to do meth with. I was into, like,
making necklaces and collage art and shit. They were into, like, home invasions and snuff porn. So shit gets kind of dark
around this point. And this is when
I start thinking, like, God, there’s got
to be a better way. Not, like, get sober
or anything fuckin’ stupid. Just, like, a better way
to do meth. So I was Googling it. Not enough information
on the subject, but I came across this article,
and it was talking– it was, like, “Time” magazine
or something. It was talking about
the meth epidemic, and the reason
that so many people were switching
from cocaine to meth. Apparently, some people
had done this on purpose. And according to the article,
the reason is because the meth high
lasts so long. And according to the article,
that’s because your body can metabolize coke,
but your body has no idea– you do a line,
and then it breaks it down, and you’re only high until
it starts breaking it down, but your body has no idea
what to do with meth. That’s why you’re high so long. ‘Cause it goes in meth,
and comes out meth. And you get to stay high
that whole time. So I don’t really know
what the fuck the article was trying to say,
but what I heard it saying was that we were pissing out thousands of dollars
of liquid gold. [laughter and applause] And I was gonna be rich. So I originally set out
to find the formula for extracting meth
from tweaker piss, as I’m collecting buckets
of my friend’s urine, once again, there are
no red flags going off, no thoughts that perhaps
this is symptomatic of my life spiraling
out of my control. I was proud of myself,
I was like, “Wow, I am really thinking
outside the box.” “This must be what
Steve Jobs feels like.” So, after about ten days
of trying to do science, I was like,
“Meh, chemistry’s hard. I’m just gonna drink it
from the tap.” You’re so grossed out.
It was my own piss. Give me some credit–
I wasn’t, like, ladling it out of the bucket. So the first time
I drank meth piss… I got so high that I went
to the place in “The Matrix” where, like,
they plug their heads in and nobody wears makeup? But I went to the real one. And I met my higher self. And I met the higher selves
of, like, my friends and shit, and they taught me the true
nature of consciousness and the wiring under the board. It was the most transcendental
experience I’ve ever had, and I’ve done a shit ton
of psychedelics, in case that’s not obvious. I spent the whole day
at the Matrix place. And when I came down,
I was so transformed by this experience
that I was just addicted to drinking meth piss. Here’s the thing,
don’t ever drink meth piss, ’cause it’s fantastic,
and you won’t want to do any other drugs. I did quit shooting up
that day, though, ’cause there was, like,
no point, right? Started eating meth
with a spoon out of the bag. ‘Cause doing actual meth
just became a technicality to manufacturing meth piss. I had it down to a science. It was the second piss
after you eat the meth that was the magical nectar. I told everyone about it. I converted no one. I did get voted most likely to become a bag lady
by my fellow tweakers, ’cause by that point,
I spent my days raging against
the reptilian agenda while sippin’ on my pizz-urp. So the last time
I drank meth piss… I’ll get to the point–
where I’m walking around southeast Portland,
and it was, I had a– it was time to harvest,
if you will. And I didn’t like to do it
in public restrooms ’cause it was hard
to get a clean catch. And the only person that I knew
that lived in that neighborhood was my little sister,
and my little sister, at this point,
is the only family member that I will speak to
because she’s the only one I can be sure isn’t working
for George Bush. But we are like
complete opposites. She is 20 years old. She totally has
her shit together. She has an apartment, job,
car, boyfriend, whatever. I’m 27, I–
don’t really have to clarify that I didn’t
have my shit together. I was… rolling up
to her house to drink piss. She’s also embarrassed of me,
which, rightfully so. When I knock on her door,
I’m wearing my meth uniform, which is a bubblegum-pink
ball gown, like, prom dress,
like, puffed out– like, you know, with tulle
and satin and shit out to here, Skechers,
a stolen FBI windbreaker, a Barbie backpack,
and a tiara. The tiara was ’cause
I didn’t have any teeth left. You don’t have a grill,
you got to wear a tiara ’cause it draws
the eyes upward. She answers the door
and sees that it’s me, and she’s like, ah, um… My friends are here,
and they don’t get it. Could you maybe
come back never? And I was like, I don’t give
a fuck about your friends. I just need to
use your bathroom. And she was like, oh, my God,
are you gonna shoot up? And I was like, no,
I don’t shoot up anymore. I’m living right. She says fine,
you have two minutes, but I swear to God,
you have to leave after that. So I go in there, I waste
my entire two-minute allotment just rifling through
her cupboards, just trying to find like, some
type of receptacle to piss in. She doesn’t even have
a cup or anything. I’m like, what kind of
barbaric-ass bathroom operation
you running here? Finally, the only thing I can
find is her toothbrush holder. I know, right?
Get a fucking cup. So I knocked the
toothbrushes out of it, and it’s like
the cheap plastic kind, you know what
I’m talking about? Comes from Walmart,
comes inside a waste basket with, like, a shitty bath mat, you know what I’m talking
about? And it’s got four holes, and it looks like
that thing is a lid. I always thought
that thing was a lid. But trust me, it’s not a lid. ‘Cause I am, like,
working the fuck out of this goddamn thing,
I can’t get it off. The tiara’s sliding down,
it’s at 90 degrees. She’s banging on the door. Finally, I take her toothbrush,
and I’m like, I’m just going to pop it off
with the toothbrush. I snap her toothbrush in half,
and I’m like, what the fuck is with
everything in this bathroom? I guess I’m just gonna
have to friggin’ go in, you know? So I don’t know if you’ve ever
tried to piss… probably not. But it’s like that, right,
that thing at the carnival where you gotta shoot the water
into the clown’s round mouth? You know what I mean? Only instead of winning
a stuffed animal, you get piss on your hands. So I get about half of it in
there, I go to throw it back. And I see inside of the holes
that there’s, like, like old toothpaste,
jerky, and dust and shit. And I was like, ugh! This is gross. I can’t drink this. Without a chaser. So I hide it
in her wastebasket. And I go out of the bathroom,
she falls in. and I’m like, “Whoa, whoa,
whoa, don’t go in there. “Nothing weird is happening. “I just need a Coke,
and then I’m gonna go in there “and finish my normal…
thing that I was doing, and then I’ll be
out of your hair,” so I go, I get the Coke. Of course,
she scurries in there. She finds the broken toothbrush and the 8-ball of my piss. So when I come back in,
she’s just like… Over-reacting. [audience laughs] Kicking me out of her house
and shit. I’m not really listening,
but then I tune in all of a sudden,
and she’s like, “You’re almost 30 years old. You need to wake up
and get your shit together.” To which I replied… “All right.” So in five years, I’ve done
horrible things to get drugs. I’ve been
intermittently homeless. I’ve had Ukrainians
try to kill me, and I’m addicted
to drinking my piss, and apparently,
all I needed this whole time was someone to suggest that
maybe I don’t do this anymore. [laughter and applause] It was the world’s
laziest intervention. Even my sister was like,
“Wait, really?” And I was like,
“Yeah, well, I mean, “I can recognize
that this has gotten weird. “You’re chastising me while
holding a bathroom accessory “filled with my urine. I could probably use a break.” And that was it,
I got clean that night. That was 12 years ago. Well, technically, technically,
it was the next day, ’cause I totally drank that
pee when she wasn’t looking. But that was the last time
that I drank piss. Thank you very much![dark electronic music]– Jessa Reed, everybody.Give it up for Jessa.

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