Latin Divas Of Comedy • FULL SHOW | LOLflix Comdey Classic

Latin Divas Of Comedy • FULL SHOW | LOLflix Comdey Classic


LADIES! COME ON! WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO
WITH MY VERY MEXICAN FAMILY BE AROUND THE DINNER TABLE AND JUST COME OUT AND JUST BLURT OUT ALL, “MAMI, PAPI, GUESS WHAT I EAT PSY. PASS THE SALT!” LET’S BE HONEST. THERE’S NOTHING
LIKE THAT ON A WOMAN. THE HAIR WAS SO THICK, IT WAS LIKE HE HAD VELCRO. “I NEED TO LOSE
10 POUNDS.” COME ON, COME ON, COME ON! WHOO! MY MOTHER PROBABLY WOULDN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT
THAT WAS. “PSY? PUES I MADE TACOS. Tú ESTáS LOCA. Tú QUIERES PSY? GO GET TAKEOUT.” NO MATTER HOW YOUNG A MAN IS, BALLS LOOK OLD. HE TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF, AND IT WENT, “WHECHKKK!” 10 POUNDS THAT’S LIKE ME TAKING A GOOD CHIT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? AND PEOPLE WOULD COME IN AND SIT AT THIS PLACE TO EAT SALMON, YOU KNOW? AND WE WOULD COME OUT, AND WE WOULD PERFORM FOR THEM, OUR CORNY CHIT, AND THEN THIS LITTLE MAN WOULD COME IN, ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR ACT. WE NEVER KNEW WHEN HE WAS GONNA COME IN. BUT HE WOULD STAND IN THE BACK, AND HE WOULD GO, “BUS IS HERE!” AND EVERYBODY WOULD JUST GET UP AND WALK OUT. BECAUSE I DO AN ADULT ACT, THEY WOULD ADVERTISE ME AS X-X-X. SO ABOUT 3/4 OF THE WAY INTO MY ACT, THIS GUY LOOKS UP AT ME AND GOES, “ARE YOU EVER TAKING YOUR CLOTHES OFF?” I SWEAR, THE GUY THOUGHT I WAS A STRIPPER. I’M LIKE, “DUDE, LOOK AT ME. IF I SPIN AROUND A POLE, I’LL STRIKE OIL.” YOU’RE SORT OF THE PERSON WHO CAN FLY UNDER THE RADAR AND SAY THE THINGS IN SOCIETY THAT OTHER PEOPLE JUST CAN’T GET AWAY WITH. I THINK IF YOU’RE FUNNY, YOU’RE
FUNNY. FUNNY, I MEAN, LIKE I SAID. YEAH, BUT IT’S HARDER. I STILL THINK IT’S HARDER FOR A WOMAN IN THIS BUSINESS. HEY, I’LL BE LIKE, “HEY, SO YOU GOT THIS SHOW GOING ON.” “OH, WE ALREADYHAVE A FEMALE COMIC.” LIKE YOU CAN ONLY HAVE ONE. ONE. YOU CAN HAVE EIGHT GUYS AND ONE
GIRL, AND THE SHOW IS DONE. SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT IT’S REAL. LIKE, I’VE HAD GUYS COME UP TO ME AT THE END I HAD SOME GUY WHIP HIS DICK OUT AT ME ONE TIME, YOU KNOW? AND THERE’S THIS GUY, STANDING THERE WITH HIS THING OUT, YOU KNOW? DIDN’T LOOK TOO BAD, BUT IT WASN’T
THE BEST. WAIT, WAIT, HEAR THIS. HEAR THIS. I REMEMBER WHEN I AUDITIONED FOR COMIC STRIP. HE SAID, “YOU HAVE TO MOVE AWAY FROM TALKING ABOUT BEING A LATINA. YOU HAVE TO MOVE AWAY
FROM TALKING ABOUT YOUR ETHNICITY.” BUT THEN I WOULD GO TO THE SHOWS EVERYBODY WAS TALKING
ABOUT THEIR ETHNICITY. BUT IT’S HARD. I THINK IT’S HARD WHEN YOU’RE A WOMAN, AND ESPECIALLY NOW THAT I’M A LATIN WOMAN. IT’S LIKE, “OH, YOU’RE A LATINO.” I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT. I JUST THOUGHT OF MYSELF AS A COMIC. I DON’T KNOW WHAT A DIVA IS. WHEN I THINK DIVA, I THINK, “OVERWEIGHT WOMAN WITH A BOOMING VOICE AND A LOT OF GAY MEN.” OH, CRAP. UH-OH! MAYBE I AM A DIVA. LADIES! COME ON! WHOO! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON! WHOO! UH-HUH. ♪ UNH ♪ ♪ LE DICE ASí ♪ ♪ THIS IS FOR THE GIRLS THAT ♪ WANT TO TAKE A RIDE TONIGHT ♪ ♪ DON’T BE SHY ♪ ♪ COME ON, COME ON ♪ ♪ THE MOOD IS FEELING RIGHT ♪ ♪ I SEE A LOT OF LADIES ROCKING ♪ OUT THE PRADA TOPS ♪ ♪ WITH SOME BOTTOMS THAT’LL GET ♪ THE PARTY STARTED NOW ♪ MIDA ♪ QUE BIEN TE QUEDAN ESOS JEANES♪ APRETADOS ♪ ♪ TRIGUEÑITA, VEN Y BAILA AQUí A ♪ MI LADO ♪ ♪ ME PARECE QUELA NOCHE HA ♪ COMENZADO ♪ ♪ CANTINERO, SíRVEME UN TRAGO ♪ ♪ VEN Y MUéVELO ♪ ♪ ES LO QUE VAS A HACER ♪ ♪ TE VAS A ENLOQUECER ♪ ♪ CUANDO ESCUCHES ESTE RITMO NO ♪ VAS A PARAR ♪ ♪ SUELTA LA CINTURA UN POQUITO ♪ MáS ♪ ♪ VEN Y MUéVELO ♪ ♪ ES LO QUE VAS A HACER ♪ ♪ TE VAS A ENLOQUECER ♪ ♪ CUANDO ESCUCHES ESTE RITMO NO ♪ VAS
A PARAR ♪ ♪ SUELTA LA CINTURA UN POQUITO ♪ MáS ♪ BUENAS NOCHES! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONE OF THE ORIGINAL LATIN KINGS OF COMEDY AND YOUR HOST FOR THE “LATIN DIVAS OF COMEDY” ALEX REYMUNDO! YEAH! YEAH! BUENAS NOCHES! YOU ARE FANTASTIC, AND WELCOME TO THE “LATIN DIVAS OF COMEDY.” AN INCREDIBLE EVENING TONIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT TONIGHT IS? TONIGHT IS A NIGHT WHERE WE CELEBRATE WOMEN. RIGHT? WHAT A BEAUTIFUL THING TO DO! WOMEN HAVE NAVIGATED EVERYTHING
I’VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE, FROM THE FIRST ONE THAT WE EVER SAW. GOD BLESS OUR MOTHERS. LET’S CELEBRATE MOTHERHOOD. WHY NOT, RIGHT? VERDAD, SEÑORAS? BECAUSE BEING A MOTHER THAT’S
THE TOUGHEST JOB IN THE WORLD, IS IT NOT? YEAH! EASIEST JOB TO GET, THOUGH, IS IT NOT? REALLY, WHAT DO YOU DO? THANK YOU. NO APPLICATION. JUST FILL IN. AM I RIGHT? GOD BLESS YOUR MOTHER. GOD BLESS YOUR SISTERS. RIGHT? LOOK AT ALL THE GUYS. EVERY MAN IN HERE THEIR SISTERS ARE THE REASON THEY GAVE OR TOOK AN ASS-WHOOPING. RIGHT? ASK ANY LATINO MAN ANY LATINO MAN. ANYBODY CALLS YOUR SISTER A FKING BITCH, YOU DEFENDED HER HONOR, DID YOU NOT? YOU GOT YOUR ASS KICKED, BUT YOU DEFENDED HER HONOR. YOU GO BACK TO THE HOUSE [ GROANING ] SHE’S LIKE, “THANKS FOR DEFENDING MY HONOR.” YOU’RE LIKE, “WHATEVER, YOU STUPID FKING BITCH.” GOD BLESS YOUR GRANDMOTHER.
HOW MANY GRANDMAS HERE TONIGHT? WOW! LOOK AT THIS! THESE GIRLS LOOK LIKE THEY’RE 28, AND THEY’RE GRANDMAS. YOU KNOW, MY GRANDMOTHER WHEN I CAME TO THIS COUNTRY, I WAS 2 YEARS OLD, SO I LEARNED TWO LANGUAGES AT THE SAME TIME. SHE HAD TO LEARN A NEW ONE. I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I EVER HEARD HER CUSS IN ENGLISH. IT’S BECAUSE OF CHIT WE WERE DOING, YOU KNOW? HE LOOKED OVER, SHE SAID, “NO, NO, NO, NO LE DIGAS ‘STUPID MFKR’ A TU HERMANO. NO LE DIGAS ASí.” WE WERE LAUGHING SO HARD! WE WERE SMARTASSES. I HAD THREE BROTHERS. I WAS LIKE, “WHICH ONE GRANDMA?” SHE GOES, “ESE STUPID MFKR ALLí. NO LE DIGAS ASí.” TONIGHT WE CELEBRATE YOU WITH FOUR INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL AND HILARIOUS LATINA WOMEN. THESE FOUR WOMEN HAVE PERSEVERED. YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY ARE AT THE TOP OF THEIR GAME, AND THAT’S WHY, FROM THIS LATIN KING, I BRING YOU THESE FOUR LATIN DIVAS. ALL THE WAY FROM BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, PLEASE MAKE WELCOME MISS SARA CONTRERAS. ♪ TRIGUEÑITA VEN Y BAILA AQUí A MI LADO ♪ ♪ ME PARECE QUELA NOCHE A ♪ COMENZADO ♪ ♪ CANTINERO SíRVEME UN TRAGO ♪ ♪ VEN Y MUéVELO ♪ MY FATHER WAS REAL FUNNY. BUT WE GREW UP THERE WAS SIX OF US. WE WERE SIX IN THE HOUSE, TWO WERE DEAF. I REMEMBER LAUGHING A LOT WHEN I WAS A KID. YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER, WHEN I
GREW UP, I GREW UP IN BROOKLYN. IT WAS PUERTO RICAN AND BLACK, AND THAT WAS ALL I KNEW. I DIDN’T REALLY KNOW DOMINICANS. FORGET MEXICANS. OH, MY GOD! THE MEXICANS WERE ON TV. THAT WAS IT. WE DIDN’T KNOW ANY MEXICANS. THERE WERE NO MEXICANS. I REMEMBER WHEN NEW YORK
WAS JUST PUERTO RICAN. GOD, I MISS THOSE DAYS. ALL THESE FOREIGNERS. MY SON WAS A C-SECTION, WHO WAS BORN ON FRIDAY THE 13th, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? HE HAS LIVED UP TO THAT. OH, YEAH. GREAT KID, BUT JUST LIKE A PCE OF GUM STUCK ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT. I CAN’T GET RID OF THIS KID. MY SON IS 23. HE GOT MARRIED. CONGRATULATIONS. SO AH YEAH, NOW HIS WIFE IS LIVING WITH ME. OKAY. IF I DO SOMETHING THAT HE DOESN’T LIKE, HE REALLY LETS ME KNOW. MY DAUGHTER COULD CARE LESS. MY DAUGHTER’S LIKE, “AJA, I’M GONNA TALK ABOUT HOW YOU’RE GONNA DO PORN TO PAY FOR COLLEGE,” AND SHE THINKS IT’S HYSTERICAL. SHE KNOWS IT’S A JOKE. SHE’S NOT AS HOT-TEMPERED AS MY SON IS. WELL, “BORIKéN” IS THE TAíNO NAME FOR “PUERTO RICO,” SO THAT’S WHERE “BORICUA” COMES FROM. SO, YEAH, THAT’S WHAT BEING PUERTO RICAN IS. AND RIGHT NOW DO YOU GO BACK? I
LIVE WITH MY PEOPLE RIGHT NOW THE JEWS. THAT’S WHO I LIVE WITH. OKAY? I LIVE IN A PREDOMINANTLY RELIGIOUS ‘CAUSE LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, HONEY MY PROPERTY VALUE IS TO DIE FOR. PEOPLE WANT A BODEGA. I WANT A SYNAGOGUE RIGHT ON THAT CORNER. I KNOW HOW TO BUY. I KNOW HOW TO BUY. I’M NOT PLAYING. AND YOU KNOW WHAT I AM? THIS IS AN INSIDER JOKE. I’M THE SHABBOS GOYIM. I AM THE ONE THAT TURNS ON ALL THE
LIGHTS AND EVERYTHING ‘CAUSE THEY CAN’T DO IT ON THE SABBATH. THEY ALL LIKE ME FOR THAT. REALLY? YEAH, I WORK. I GIVE OUT CARDS AT TEMPLE. I DO MICROWAVES, DISHWASHERS. I HAVE ISRAEL ON SPEED DIAL. THAT’S RIGHT, I DON’T PLAY. I’M NOT LIVING WITH PUERTO RICANS ANYMORE. LOVE YOU GUYS. BUT THE RADIO GOES OFF AT 10:00, OKAY? IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND? THE RADIO HAS TO GO OFF AT A DECENT TIME. AND NOW WITH THIS REGGAETON OH, IT’S JUST SO MONOTONOUS … SHE’S SEXY, SHE’S FUNNY, SHE’S INTELLIGENT. THAT’S ME. AND SHE’S A LATIN DIVA. PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE SARA CONTRERAS. HERE I COME!
WATCH IT, WATCH IT! I’M HAPPY TO BE HERE. I JUST FLEW IN FROM NEW YORK. THAT’S RIGHT! THAT’S RIGHT! A VERY TOUGH PLACE TO BE IF YOU’RE A SINGLE MOM. SOMETIMES YOU GO DOWN TO THE BODEGA, ALL YOU GOT IS $5 IN YOUR POCKET. YOU GOT DECISIONS TO MAKE. BREAKFAST MILK OR MY NEWPORT LIGHTS? CALCIUM, NICOTINE. CALCIUM, NICOTINE. DAMN, I GOT TO CHOOSE! AND THEN THE MORNINGS LOOK LIKE THIS. I KNOW THE COCOA PUFFS ARE DRY, PAPI. DARE TO BE DIFFERENT. PUT SOME O.J. IN THAT AND STOP BEING SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS, ALL RIGHT? OH, YOU WANT CALCIUM? MIRA, SUCK ON THIS TUMS. YOU’RE PISSING ME OFF, ALL RIGHT? I HAVE A 19 YEAR-OLD SON STILL LIVING AT HOME WITH ME, AND I CANNOT GET THAT TONTO TO RUN AWAY. I’VE TRIED EVERYTHING. I PUT ASBESTOS IN HIS ROOM. LEAD-BASED PAINT. I PUNCHED HOLES IN HIS CONDOM. I DON’T CARE, KNOCK SOMEONE UP. GET A LIFE. GET OUT! GET THE FK OUT! PARENTING IS OVERRATED.
I’M TELLING YOU, I AM TIRED OF SACRIFICING. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT? I BUY HIM DESIGNER UNDERWEAR. MEANWHILE, MY BRA IS SO DILAPIDATED, I DON’T HAVE A HOOK AT THE END, I GOT A FORK. I WANT TO TAKE MY BRA OFF, ALL I GOT TO DO IS GO, “UNH!” POP! IT POPS RIGHT OFF. HE GETS THE CALVIN KLEIN. I GET THE PLIERS TO BEND THAT SUCKER BACK SO I COULD WEAR THAT BRA ANOTHER EIGHT YEARS. I HATE THAT KID. AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING HE SAYS. THE LINGO NOWADAYS ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO, HE WALKS IN. “YO, MA, WHAT’S REALLY GOOD? YO, MA, WHAT’S REALLY GOOD?” I DIDN’T KNOW THAT MEANT, “HOW YOU DOING?” I DIDN’T KNOW. SO HE WALKS IN,”YO, MA WHAT’S REALLY GOOD?” I’M LIKE, “ARE YOU MOVING OUT? THAT WOULD BE REALLY GOOD, PAPI. THAT WOULD, IN FACT, BE EXCELLENT.” BUT YOU KNOW WHAT’S REALLY GOOD ABOUT WHAT’S REALLY COOL ABOUT HAVING A 19-YEAR-OLD? ALL HIS LITTLE 20-, 21-, 22-YEAR-OLD FRIENDS. HIS FRIENDS ARE IN LOVE WITH ME. YO, THEY BE COMING UP TO ME “YO, YO, I’M SAYING. YOU
KNOW, I’M SAYING. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING. WHY DON’T YOU, YOU KNOW? WHY DON’T YOU, YOU
KNOW?” “WHY DON’T YOU STAY STILL? I’M DIZZY!” YOU LITTLE 22-YEAR-OLD KNUCKLEHEADS. “YO, MA, I’M GONNA ROCK YOUR WORLD.” I’M LIKE, “PAPA, ESTO ES MUCHO JAMóN PA’ DOS HUEVITOS.” HA HA HA! HA HA! MY 16-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER SHE HAS PLANS. SHE WANTS TO GO TOA FANCY COLLEGE. SO I TELL HER, “MAMA, I’M A SINGLE MOM. YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO HELP OUTWITH THE EXPENSES.” SHE GOES, “ALL RIGHT, MAMI, I’LL TAKE OUT A STUDENT LOAN.” I’M LIKE, “NO, MAMA, YOU’RE GONNA DO PORN. YOU’RE PRETTY. Tú ERES LINDA.” I’M ONLY KIDDING. ACTUALLY, SHE’S GONNA TURN TRICKS FIRST. THAT’S… I ALREADY CALLED THE BUNNY RANCH. WE’RE MOVING TO LAS VEGAS. YOU KNOW, I’M SAVING HER A LOT OF AGGRAVATION, ‘CAUSE I FIGURE IF SHE’S GONNA BE USED BY ANYBODY, LET IT BE ME. CHIT, IT WORKED FOR BEYONCé AND LINDSAY LOHAN’S MOMS. CHIT, FK THAT. I JUST DON’T WANT MY DAUGHTER SEE, THIS IS THE THING. I DON’T WANT MY DAUGHTER TO
BECOME A STATISTIC. ‘CAUSE TOO MANY LATIN GIRLS, YOUNG WOMEN MAN, THEY JUST SPITTING BABIES OUT. POP, POP! POP, POP! “I DON’T KNOW YOU. I JUST MET YOU. POP! HAVE A BABY.” “OH, YOU’RE UNEMPLOYED? YOU GOT THREE? POP! HERE’S ONE MORE.” WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? STOP! YOU KNOW, AND IT’S ALL THAT… ♪ DAME, MAS GASOLINE ♪ THAT STUPIDITY! ♪ DAME, MAS GASOLINE ♪ WE SHOULD CHANGE THE SONG TO… ♪ CIERRA ESA FACTORíA ♪ SHUT THAT FACTORY DOWN. THINK ABOUT THE FUTURE. CHIT, LIFE IS HARD, MAN, AND LIFE IS FAST. I’M FINDING THIS EVERYTHING
IS FAST. I’M ALWAYS IN SUCH A HURRY THAT I FIND THAT MY BRA HAS BECOME A STORAGE COMPARTMENT FOR ITEMS OTHER THAN MY BREASTESES. EVERYTHING IS GOING IN MY BRA ‘CAUSE IT’S FAST KEYS, CELLPHONE, PENS, NOTES, PETS, FOOD, BLOW-DRYER, POWER TOOLS. EVERYTHING IS JUST GOING IN MY BRA. SO ABOUT TWO MONTHS AGO, I GO FOR A PHYSICAL, AND THE DOCTOR SAYS TO ME, “MISS CONTRERAS, IT’S TIME FOR YOUR BREAST EXAM. YOU GOT TO TAKE YOUR BRA OFF.” SO, NATURALLY I WENT, “UNH!,” ‘CAUSE I HAD THAT FKED-UP BRA I TOLD YOU ABOUT BEFORE. POP! AND THE DOCTOR’S MESMERIZED. HE’S LOOKING AT MY CHEST. I’M LIKE, “I KNOW, THEY’RE STILL BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU. YOU’RE VERY KIND.” HE’S LIKE, “ACTUALLY, MISS CONTRERAS, YOU HAVE 50 CENTS STUCK ON THE SIDE OF YOUR TIT.” AND I LOOKED, AND I HAD TWO QUARTERS AND A BOOK OF STAMPS RIGHT UNDERNEATH HERE.
IT WAS THE WEIRDEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN. THIS IS BEAUTIFUL, MAN. I CAN’T
BELIEVE I’M IN CALIFORNIA. I HATE FLYING. I FLEW WHEN THOSE RESTRICTIONS ON GELS AND LIQUIDS FIRST WENT INTO EFFECT, AND THEY TOOK MY MASCARA. AND I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT A MAYBELLINE.THEY TOOK A $28 LANCô ME MASCARA THAT I HAD BOUGHT FOR THE TRIP. AND THAT LITTLE HOMELAND-SECURITY
CHICK OOH, SHE WAS REAL HAPPY. SHE WAS LIKE, “OOH THIS IS NICE. YOU CAN’T TAKE IT.” BUT YOU KNOW, I’M PUERTO RICAN. YOU KNOW HOW WE DO. I WAS LIKE, “NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU GONNA KEEP THE CASE. THE MASCARA IS MINE.” I I SPENT THE NEXT 20 MINUTES PUTTING ON AS MUCH MASCARA OH, HELL, NO. OH, HELL, NO. I PUT SO MUCH MASCARA ON THAT I COULDN’T OPEN MY EYES, RIGHT? SO THEY HAD TO HELP ME TO MY SEAT, RIGHT? THEY THOUGHT I WAS BLIND. I HEARD THIS LADY ON THE PLANE GO, “THAT’S THE WORST CASE OF GLAUCOMA I’VE EVER SEEN. HER EYES ARE MIDNIGHT BLACK.” STUPID, MAN. SO, YEAH SINGLE WOMEN? YES. I AM SINGLE. I’VE BEEN SINGLE FOR A LONG TIME. AND SINGLE, WHEN YOU’RE DATING THAT DATING SCENE IS LIKE A DELICATE BALANCE, WHEN YOU GO ON THAT FIRST DATE, BECAUSE YOU GOT TO COME OFF LIKE A GOOD GIRL. YOU KNOW, LIKE YOU HAVEN’T SLEPT AROUND AND YOU GOT GOOD MORALS AND STUFF LIKE THAT, RIGHT? BUT YOUGOT TO EXUDE JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF SKANK SO HE’LL CALL YOU BACK. RIGHT? VERDAD QUE
SI? THAT’S RIGHT, YEAH. NASTY-ASS. BUT I DO HAVE ISSUES. I LOVE MY MEN, BUT I DO HAVE ISSUES WITH MEN, AND LATELY, ONE OF THEM IS HAIR. SOME OF THEM HAVE TOO LITTLE, SOME OF THEM HAVE TOO MUCH. I DATED THIS GUY, RIGHT? HE HAD A TOUPEE, BUT WE NEVER TALKED ABOUT
IT. HE NEVER BROUGHT IT UP. IT WAS LIKE IT WASN’T THERE. YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN SOMEONE’S
TRYING TO HIDE A COLD SORE AND CHIT? LIKE, YOU DON’T WANT TO LOOK AT IT, BUT YOU KNOW IT’S THERE. SO I DECIDED THAT I WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT, BUT WHAT HAPPENED WAS, I HAD A COUPLE OF DRINKS. HA HA! AND I GOT REAL STUPID. I WAS LIKE, “PAPA, I GOT SOMETHING ON MY MIND.” “IT’S A REALLY HAIRY SUBJECT.” “AND I DON’T WANT TO SWEEP IT UNDER
THE RUG.” HE NEVER CALLED ME AFTER THAT. AND THEN THIS OTHER GUY OH, MY GOD. I WAS DATING HIM FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS, RIGHT? BUT WHAT HAPPENED WAS, I FINALLY PUT MY ARMS AROUND HIM EW. IT WAS SO THICK UNDER HIS SHIRT, I THOUGHT HE HAD A BRACE ON. I WAS LIKE, “BENDITO, HE GOT SCOLIOSIS. AND THEN I REALIZED EWWWW! THE HAIR WAS SO THICK, IT WAS LIKE HE HAD VELCRO. HE TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF, AND IT WENT, “WHECHKKK!” I MEAN, IT WAS LIKE HAVING YOUR OWN
BULLETPROOF VEST, ‘CAUSE THAT CHIT WOULD STOP A BULLET. I COULD SEE HIM WALKING DOWN THE
BLOCK. “OH, CHIT! I GOT HIT! NO, I DIDN’T. IT’S RIGHT HERE.” IT WAS SO BAD, I SAID, “YOU KNOW WHAT? LET’S WAX IT,” RIGHT? CHECK IT OUT. SO I PUT THE WAX ON THE STRIP, I PUT THE STRIP ON HIS HAIR, AND I PULLED, BUT THE CHIT WAS SO THICK, IT PULLED THE WAX OFF THE STRIP. IT’S HOPELESS. AND PEOPLE TELL ME I’M TOO DEMANDING WHEN I DATE. AND MAYBE I AM BECAUSE I REALLY INSIST ON A MAN THAT READS. I DON’T KNOW WHY THAT’S IMPORTANT TO ME. GUYS, THE CAPS OF THE SNAPPLE BOTTLES THOSE ARE NOT ENCYCLOPEDIAS. I GO OUT ON A DATE RECENTLY,
AND I TELL THIS GUY, “ARE YOU AWARE THAT THE UNITED STATES DID NOT SIGN THE KYOTO PROTOCOL AND THAT WE ARE LAGGING IN THE BATTLE AGAINST GLOBAL WARMING?” HE’S LIKE… “NO, BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT KANGAROOS CAN’T WALK BACKWARDS?” AND I’M NOT SAYING I’M OLD, BUT, GOD DAMN IT, IT’S DIFFERENT MAN. IT’S DIFFERENT WHEN YOU’RE DOING THE WHOLE DATING SCENE, THE CLUB SCENE, WHEN YOU’RE IN YOU’RE 20s AND THEN WHEN YOU’RE IN YOUR… LATE 20s. ‘CAUSE I REMEMBER BACK
IN THE DAY, MAN THE BOUNDLESS ENERGY THAT EXISTS WHEN YOU’RE THAT AGE IT’S AMAZING. I REMEMBER BACK IN THE DAY, I GET TO THE CLUB AT 9:30. 9:30. AND AT 5:30 IN THE MORNING,
AFTER EIGHT HOURS OF DANCING AND PARTYING AND RUNNING AROUND, I’D BE LIKE, “AH, NENA, I’M NOT EVEN SWEATING.” “WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO NOW?” CHIT, NOWADAYS, I NEED TWO WEEKS’
NOTICE. I NEED TWO WEEKS TO GO TO THE GYM, WORK OUT, TAKE MY ECHINACEA,
TAKE MY PROTEIN SHAKE, MY VITAMINS, GET MY EKG CHECKED, CHECK MY BLOOD PRESSURE, HAVE A PHYSICAL, SEE IF THERE’S A DEFIBRILLATOR IN THE CLUB, SEE WHERE THE CLOSEST EMERGENCY
ROOM IS, SEE HOW LONG IT TAKES THE PARAMEDICS TO REACH THE CLUB. I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE,
I’M TELLING YOU. I GET TO THE CLUB NOW AT 9:30. NO, I’M SORRY, 12:30 BECAUSE GOD FORBID
ANYBODY GETS THERE BEFORE 12:30. AN HOUR LATER, 1:30… “OOH, I’M HURTING.” [ GROANING ] “NENA, WHAT’S THAT SOUND?” “THAT’S YOU, BITCH. STOP THAT CHIT ALREADY. CAN’T TAKE YOU ANYWHERE.” “NENA, IT’S HOT AS HELL IN HERE. OH, MY GOD. MY UNDERARMS ARE GETTING STAINED. LOOK AT THIS CHIT. OH, MY GOD. CHA-CHA MY SCIATICA’S KILLING ME. I’M GETTING A CRAMP. I’M GETTING A CRAMP NENA. IT’S REALLY BAD.” “NENA, ESTA FAJA NO ME DEJA RESPIRAR. THIS GIRDLE DON’T LET ME BREATHE. I’M DYING OVER HERE. THAT APPLE MARTINI AGGRAVATED MY ESOPHAGEAL REFLUX. I’M GONNA TAKE SOME NEXIUM.” “BY THE WAY, DID YOU BRING YOUR NEBULIZER?” “I DON’T HAVE ASTHMA, BUT I CAN’T BREATHE. OH, THANK YOU, PAPI. I APPRECIATE THAT.” I AIN’T GONNA LIE. I’M TIRED OF TELLING THAT JOKE. [ GROANING ] WOW. NOW, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. I RAG ON MEN, BUT I LOVE MY LATIN MEN. I LOVE MEN. AND I REALIZE THEY’RE VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. I DO. MIRA COMO ESTOY. I REALIZE MEN ARE IMPORTANT TO ME. AND YOU KNOW WHERE I REALIZE IT THE MOST? WHEN I GO TO THE GYM. ‘CAUSE WHEN I GO TO THE GYM, IT’S NO BIG DEAL, YOU KNOW? I SQUAT. I EXTEND. I MARCH IN PLACE. IT’S NO BIG DEAL. BUT THE MINUTE THAT I SEE TWO GUYS CHECKING
ME OUT… WHOO! I TURN INTO A NIKE COMMERCIAL! I’M LIKE, “THEY LOOKING AT ME ‘CAUSE I LOOK GOOD.” I LEFT MY MAKEUP ON. AND THEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR. MASCARA’S RUNNING… EYE LASHES ON MY EARLOBES. HAIR LOOKING LIKE AL SHARPTON BEFORE THE PERM. I’M LIKE, “OH, MY GOD THEY’RE
NOT LOOKING AT ME ‘CAUSE I LOOK ATHLETIC. THEY’RE WONDERING, ‘HOW DID THAT CRACKHEAD AFFORD THIS MEMBERSHIP?'” THANK YOU, SAN BERNARDINO. SARA CONTRERAS! MAKING MONEY I’M MAKING MONEY. GIVE IT UP ONE MORE TIME SARA CONTRERAS. FROM MIAMI, FLORIDA, MISS MONIQUE MARVEZ. ♪ QUE
BIEN TE QUEDAN ESOS JEANES APRETADOS ♪ ♪ TRIGUEÑITA, VEN Y BAILA AQUí A ♪ MI LADO ♪ ♪ ME PARECE QUE LA NOCHE A ♪ COMENZADO ♪ ♪ CANTINERO SíRVEME UN TRAGO ♪ YEAH, BECAUSE I WAS
A HOMELY KID. AND MY FIRST THREE MINUTES WAS ABOUT THAT, HOW MY MOM I OVERHEARD MY MOM
ONCE SAYING MY AUNT IRIS TOLD MY MOTHER THAT THIS LITTLE BOY, SERGIO VASQUEZ, LIKED ME, AND MY MOM SAID, “WELL, YOU KNOW, SHE’S A VERY SMART AND PERSONABLE CHILD. THANK GOD, ‘CAUSE SHE’S NOT THE CUTEST.” AND I SAID THE WAY SHE SAID THAT WAS LIKE WHEN A FLIGHT ATTENDANT SAYS, “THANK GOD THEY’RE FOAMING THE RUNWAY.” YOU KNOW? I THINK ‘CAUSE MY DAD WAS MANIC-DEPRESSIVE AND I USED TO CHEER HIM UP, AND IT WAS SUCH A RUSH TO SEE THIS DEPRESSED GUY ON THORAZINE AND THEN YOU TELL A HANDFUL OF JOKES, AND BOOM. I WAS LIKE, “THAT’S POWER, MY FRIEND.” I WAS IN BED WITH A FEVER, SO I’M READING THE MIAMI HERALD, AND THERE’S A PICTURE OF SAM
KINISON COMING OUT OF THE MIAMI ARENA, RIGHT? SAM, WITH TWO BLONDES, ONE ON EACH ARM POW-POW, POW, THE HAIR, YOU KNOW? AND I’M LOOKING AT IT. AND I’M DIVORCED AND I’M BROKE AND I’M WAITING TABLES, I’M LIKE, “IF THAT FAT BASTARD IS GETTING RICH AND LAID, I’M GONNA TRY THIS.” AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHEN I CALLED. MARRIED THREE TIMES. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? OH, MY GOD. YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES I’M HISPANIC AND CATHOLIC, SO I MARRIED THE FIRST MAN I EVER SAW NAKED YOU KNOW THE RULE. “YOU BROKE IT, YOU BOUGHT IT.” BUT HE WASN’T THE SHARPEST GUY IN THE WORLD. IF THIS GUY FELL DOWN, HE’D START EATING GRASS. AND THE SECOND HUSBAND WHEN YOU LOOK AT SOMEBODY AND ALL YOU CAN THINK OF IS, “DAMN, HE’S BREATHING,” YOU GOT TO GO. THEY ALWAYS
GIVE YOU, “DID YOU GO TO COUNSELING?” LIKE THERE’S A DIPLOMA ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD THAT’S GONNA TALK YOU BACK FROM “PILLOW ON THE FACE.” SO I’M WORKING ON THIS BOOK, ALEX. MY DAD LEFT WHEN I WAS 9. I WANTED MORE THAN ANYTHING TO SCREAM, “DON’T GO, DADDY! DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE.” HOWEVER, SCREAMING WAS A VERY CLOSE SECOND. WHAT I ACTUALLY DID WAS SAY, “I UNDERSTAND, AND GO AHEAD AND GO. YOU’LL BE HAPPIER.” THESE ARE ALL YOUR JOURNALS? ALL MY JOURNALS, ALL OF THEM, GOING BACK TO, LIKE AND, ACTUALLY, I HAVE THEM SINCE JUNIOR HIGH. LOOK HOW OBSESSIVE
I AM. LIKE THIS ONE “GOT PERIOD.” WHEN YOU’RE A WOMAN THAT’S A GOOD THING. THAT’S A GOOD
THING, MAN. SO, HERE IT IS MAY 31, 1990. IT WAS MY FIRST SET ON STAGE. THE HEADLINER WAS MIKE CHESELKA. THE OPENER WAS SPECIAL K. McCRAY. REMEMBER HIM? “I AIN’T TELLING YOU WHAT I
HEARD, I’M TELLING YOU WHAT I KNOW.” HE WAS A PRETTY FUNNY GUY, YEAH. INSPIRED BY THE SUCCESS OF SAM KINISON, ON MAY 31, 1990. WOW. PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE MISS MONIQUE MARVEZ. WHOO! WHAT A GREAT CROWD! WOW! YOU GUYS WOW! IT’S A SATURDAY NIGHT. IT’S KIND OF LATE, AND IT’S DATE NIGHT, AND YOU SEE ALL THE COUPLES OUT THERE HAVING FUN. WHOO! I’M IN A FABULOUS MOOD. I AM NOT ON A DATE. MY HUSBAND’S HERE. AND I AM SO HAPPY. WE JUST LEAVE THE HOUSE TO LET THE SWELLING GO DOWN. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. “OH, YOU’RE SO LUCKY. YOU HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE. “MY FRIENDS TELL ME, “YOU’RE SO LUCKY, YOU’RE SO LUCKY.” LUCK HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. THIS IS MY THIRD HUSBAND. THERE’S NO LUCK INVOLVED WHATSOEVER. IT’S NOT AN ACCIDENT, ‘CAUSE WHEN YOU GET TO BE IN YOUR LATE 30s, YOU DON’T DATE, YOU INTERVIEW. YEAH. IT’S NOT A CHANCE, IT’S NOT A NO, NO, NO. WHEN YOU MEET A MAN YOU’RE INTER YOU DON’T MESS AROUND. YOU JUST WALK UP TO THE PERSON, AND YOU START ASKING HIM. YOU START ASKING HIM, “ARE YOU DIVORCED?” BECAUSE A MAN WILL TELL YOU HE’S “SEPARATED.” THAT’S SLIPPERY-ASS WORD, “SEPARATED.” IT COULD MEAN BY A BODY OF WATER, A RESTRAINING ORDER, AN AREA CODE. HE’S SEPARATED. MAKE SURE THE MAN IS DIVORCED, OKAY? MAKE SURE THERE’S PAPERWORK. AND THEN YOU GOT TO KEEP AT IT. “ARE YOU DIVORCED? DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN? HOW MANY? WHAT IS YOUR
RELATIONSHIP TO THE CHILDREN? DO THEY HAVE SPECIAL NEEDS? ARE THEY A.D.D., A.D.H.D.? ARE THEY WALLEYED? ARE THEY CROSS-EYED? DO YOU DRINK, SMOKE, DO DRUGS, CHEW YOUR FINGERNAILS? ARE YOU A CHRONIC CROSS-DRESSING PUBLIC MASTURBATOR?” THAT’S RIGHT. AND THE LAST GUY SAID, “DEFINE
‘CHRONIC.'” I SAID, “YOU’RE IN, BABY.” ‘CAUSE IF THEY’RE HONEST ENOUGH TO SAY IT, KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? BECAUSE YOU GOT TO KNOW WHAT YOU VALUE IN LIFE, AND I VALUE HONESTY ABOVE ALL OTHER THINGS. IN MONIQUE LAND, THERE’S NO GOOD NEWS OR BAD NEWS. THERE’S JUST THE NEWS. TELL ME THE TRUTH AND LET ME DECIDE. “YOU’RE A CROSS-DRESSER? FINE. I’LL HIDE THE GOOD CHIT SO YOU DON’T STRETCH IT. LET’S GO.” “WE’RE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER.” YOU LOOK IMPORTANT. WHAT’S YOUR NAME, PRETTY LADY? SAMANTHA. SAMANTHA, YOU APPRECIATE HONESTY? HELL, YEAH. ABSOLUTELY, ‘CAUSE LIFE IS SHORT, MAN. ‘CAUSE WOMEN WE WANT A RELATIONSHIP, AND YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THAT. YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THAT TO YOURSELF WHEN YOU MEET A MAN. THAT’S WHY WHEN WE GO OUT WE’RE SO SERIOUS, ‘CAUSE WE GO OUT WITH THAT INTENTION. WHEN A WOMAN GOES OUT, WE GET ALL DRESSED UP. LIKE, IF YOU’RE OUT WITH A LADY TONIGHT, SHE’S WITH YOU TONIGHT, SHE WANTS YOU. ‘CAUSE WOMEN ARE PRACTICAL. WE DO NOT WASTE TIME. WE ARE PRAGMATIC. IF A WOMAN IS WITH YOU TONIGHT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT, DRESSED UP IN A PLACE WHERE THEY GOT ADULT BEVERAGES IN THE LOBBY… SHE WANTS YOU. ‘CAUSE EVERY WOMAN HAS A THING IN HER HEAD, A LIST CALLED THE BONE LIST. WHEN WE MEET A MAN, WE SIZE HIM UP FOR A POTENTIAL PARTNER, NOT JUST SEX PARTNER, POTENTIAL SEX PARTNER, BUT IT’S “PARTNER” IS THE IMPORTANT PART OF THAT PHRASE. AND THEN WE PUT YOU ON THE BONE LIST. SEE, MEN WALK THROUGH THE WORLD LOOKING AT WOMEN JUST LIKE THIS: “DOABLE, NOT DOABLE. DOABLE, NOT DOABLE. DOABLE, NOT DOABLE. DOABLE, NOT DOABLE. I DON’T WANT TO DO HER, BUT I WANT TO SEE HER NAKED. DOABLE, NOT DOABLE.” YOU KNOW THE SHAME? WOMEN WALK THROUGH THE WORLD LOOKING AT WOMEN, TOO, WHICH IS KIND OF SAD. WOMAN WALK THROUGH, “AM I PRETTIER THAN HER? AM I PRETTIER THAN HER? SHE’S PRETTIER THAN ME, BUT SHE’S PROBABLY STUPID. I’M WAY PRETTIER THAN HER.” NOW, SEE, THAT’S WRONG. BUT, GUYS, IF YOU’RE OUT ARE
YOU ON A DATE, SIR, WITH THIS PRETTY GIRL? YOU’RE MARRIED? A LOT OF PEOPLE IN SAN BERNARDINO
MARRY YOUNG. YOU’RE VERY YOUNG. HAVE YOUR BALLS DROPPED COMPLETELY? I MEAN, YOU LOOK YOUNG. YOU’RE VERY YOUNG. I DON’T WANT TO WHAT’S YOUR NAME, SWEETHEART? JUAN. JUAN. I WOULD SAY THAT’S YOUR AGE, BUT YOU HAVE TO BE AT LEAST TWENTY-JUAN TO GET IN, SO… YOU’RE SO YOUNG, JUAN. YOU’RE ADORABLE. HI, WIFE OF JUAN. YOU’RE PRECIOUS. AND YOU GUYS ARE MARRIED. FOR HOW LONG? A YEAR. JUAN YEAR, YES. OF COURSE. OF COURSE YOU ARE. OH, I’M GONNA TOTALLY HELP YOU SO THIS WILL BE YOUR LAST JUAN, OKAY? I WANT PEOPLE TO BE HAPPY. ‘CAUSE SOMETIMES WHEN I SAY THINGS THAT ARE TRUTHFUL, THE WOMEN LOOK AT ME LIKE… “WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?” I’M ON THE SIDE OF “LET’S TELL THE TRUTH, STAY HAPPY, AND NEVER GET DIVORCED,” ‘CAUSE I LOST AN ARMOIRE AND A DOG, AND I’M STILL PISSED. I’M GONNA HELP YOU OUT. WHAT’S YOUR NAME, PRETTY GIRL? CLAUDIA. CLAUDIA. OKAY, CLAUDIA, I’M GONNA TELL YOU
SOME THINGS, OKAY? WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR THEM? OKAY. THEY’RE HARD TRUTHS. YOU CAN’T CHANGE A MAN. DO YOU LOVE JUAN EXACTLY THE WAY HE IS? I GUESS. YOU GUESS? OKAY, HANG ON, HANG ON, HANG ON. HANG ON, HANG ON, HANG ON. THE COMEDY PART OF THE SHOW IS OVER. THIS IS NOW A PUBLIC-SERVICE MESSAGE. YOU BETTER MAKE A DECISION, CLAUDIA, ‘CAUSE I’M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT A MAN. IF ANY GIRL IS IN THIS ROOM ON A DATE WITH A MAN AND YOU THINK YOU CAN CHANGE HIM, YOU GET THAT IDEA RIGHT OUT OF YOUR SILLY LITTLE HEAD. YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN. PICK ONE YOU LIKE JUST THE WAY HE IS. YOU LIKE THAT, SIR. YOU’RE LIKE, “WHOO!” WHAT’S YOU NAME? RON. RON. RON, YOU DON’T WANT A WOMAN FUSSING, TRYING TO CHANGE YOU. NO. NO. IS THIS LADY WITH YOU? THAT’S MY WIFE. I CAN TELL. SHE’S MORTIFICADA. YOU CAN’T CHANGE A MAN. I’M GONNA SAY IT TWICE BECAUSE WOMEN ARE STUBBORN. YOU CAN’T CHANGE A MAN. WHY? BECAUSE THEY’RE IN THEIR SIMPLEST FORM. IT’S LIKE TRYING TO BEND
A ROCK. THANK YOU. ARE YOU OFFENDED? ARE YOU OFFENDED, RON, BY ME SAYING YOU’RE SIMPLE? ARE YOU OFFENDED IN ANY WAY? NO. NO, BECAUSE YOU WANT YOUR WIFE TO LOWER HER STANDARDS AND QUIT NAGGING AT YOU AND LET YOU BE THE THING THAT YOU ARE THAT’S RIGHT, THE MAN THAT
YOU ARE, BECAUSE MEN ARE SIMPLE. WHY? BECAUSE THEY HAVE OUTDOOR PLUMBING. AND IT PULLS ON THEIR LOWER SPINE, AND IT CREATES PRESSURE ON THEIR MEDULLA OBLONGATA, MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE TO HOLD A COMPLICATED AND CONVOLUTED THOUGHT. THAT COULD BE. THAT’S A THEORY. BUT FOR WHATEVER THEY’RE DIFFERENT THAN WE ARE. WOMEN ARE COMPLICATED. WE ARE. IN FACT, YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WILL GO
MUCH BETTER IF YOU JUST OPERATE UNDER THE BASIC PREMISE THAT WOMEN ARE CRAZY AND COMPLICATED AND MEN ARE SIMPLE AND DELUSIONAL PERIOD. ♪ IF YOU’RE CRAZY AND YOU KNOW ♪ IT, CLAP YOUR HANDS ♪ ¿ VISTE? DID YOU SEE THAT, JUAN? SEE? WE’RE ALL CRAZY. CLAUDIA’S CRAZY. SHE CAN’T HELP IT. WE’RE CRAZY AND COMPLICATED BECAUSE WE THINK CONSTANTLY. WOMEN THINK ALL THE TIME. WE WAKE UP AT 6:00 A.M. AND FLIP ON THE TURBINE. RRR, RRR, RRR, RRR WHAT AM I GOING TO DO TODAY? RRR AND THEN WE WRITE A TO-DO LIST. RRRR THEN WE RUN AROUND AND SCRATCH STUFF OFF WITH A SHARPIE AND FEEL SO EXCITED. RRRRR THAT’S WHAT WOMEN DO. WE THINK ALL THE TIME. AND IF YOU’RE GONNA BE HAPPY, YOU GOT TO LEARN TO SLOW IT DOWN, SEE? SLOW IT DOWN. RELAX. YOU GET A LITTLE OLDER, YOU RELAX. CLAUDIA, I’M GONNA SAVE YOU TROUBLE RELAX. RELAX. YOU KNOW WHAT JUAN WANTS FROM YOU? THREE THINGS, CLAUDIA. CLAUDIA, LOOK UP. WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO TELL YOU WHAT THEY ARE, CLAUDIA? OKAY. OKAY. DO YOU BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU THAT MEN ARE SIMPLE AND DELUSIONAL, CLAUDIA? YOU DON’T WANT TO EVEN LOOK AT HIM NOW. LIKE THERE’S A PART OF YOU THAT THINKS HE’S GONNA “GROW UP.” ISN’T THERE, CLAUDIA? ADMIT IT YES, THERE IS. NO. MY DAD IS A 68-YEAR-OLD OBESE LATINO MAN WITH HAIRY NIPPLES THAT WEARS A SPEEDO, CLAUDIA. COMPLETELY DELUSIONAL. THAT’S NOT THE FUNNY PART. HE’LL POINT TO A 26-YEAR-OLD
GIRL, 10 POUNDS OVERWEIGHT, AND GO, “MIJA, IT’S SHAME SHE LET HERSELF GO LIKE THAT. I’D BE HOT FOR THAT CHICK.” SO DON’T WAIT. THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT’S GONNA GET. YOU HAVE TO LOVE HIM AND EMBRACE HIM, AND YOUR MARRIAGE IS GONNA GET GREAT, FANTASTIC. YOU’LL MAKE IT TO YOUR 30th ANNIVERSARY IF YOU REMEMBER, KEEP IT SIMPLE. ALL HE WANTS IS THREE THINGS FROM YOU. CAN YOU HEAR THEM? ARE YOU READY? HE WANTS YOU IN A GOOD MOOD. RON IS APPLAUDING “GOOD MOOD.” HE WANTS YOU QUIET. SHE’S HITTING HIM FOR NO REASON. I SAID IT, AND SHE HIT HIM. AND HE WANTS YOU WILLING TO LICK HIM. NOW, I’M GONNA BREAK IT DOWN, ‘CAUSE CLAUDIA IS SHOCKED AND UPSET WITH ME AT THIS POINT. THE OTHER WOMEN ARE LIKE, “DUH.” BUT THEY’RE “DUH” ABOUT THE LICKING, BUT THE FIRST TWO, HA HA LET ME EXPLAIN. NUMBER ONE, IN A GOOD MOOD. YOU ARE SO ADORABLE. JUAN’S LIKE, “THIS IS AWESOME. I DON’T EVEN THINK I PAID FOR TICKETS FOR THIS BITCH. THIS IS AWESOME. THIS IS FREE.” JUAN… WOULDN’T IT BE OBVIOUS THAT PEOPLE
LIKE TO BE AROUND PEOPLE IN A HAPPY MOOD? OKAY, THIS IS HOW WOMEN GET THEMSELVES IN A BAD MOOD. DID YOU NOTICE THE WAY I PUT THAT, CLAUDIA? DID YOU NOTICE? TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF? WOMEN DO THINGS FOR MEN THAT THE MAN DID NOT EVEN ASK YOU TO DO, AND THEN YOU GET ALL WADDED UP WHEN THEY DON’T CELEBRATE YOUR LITTLE ACCOMPLISHMENTS. YEAH, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS. YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING SOMETHING AWESOME. YOU’RE DOING THE MARTHA STEWART PROJECT IN THE BATHROOM. THE MAN’S WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME, AND YOU SPEND A WHOLE SATURDAY WITH A MAGAZINE OPEN ON THE FLOOR, AND YOU’RE DOING AND YOU CALL THE MAN IN AFTER THE GAME’S OVER, AND YOU GO, “HONEY, COME HERE. COME ON, LOOK WHAT I DID. COME HERE. TA-DA! WHAT DO THINK?” THAT’S A TRICK QUESTION TO THE MAN. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE MAN IS THINKING, BUT I’M PRETTY SURE I KNOW WHAT THE MAN IS NOT THINKING. THE MAN IS NOT THINKING, “OH, MY GOD, HONEY, THE BORDER IS SO STRAIGHT. AND THE WAY THAT FAUX PAINT ECHOES THE COLOR IN THE FINGER TOWELS WOW. AND THE RUG PULLS THE WHOLE THING TOGETHER. IT’S AMAZING, LOVE PLUM.” NO. NO, THE MAN IS PROBABLY THINKING SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF, “WHICH SOAP CAN I ACTUALLY USE..? AND WHICH TOWEL CAN I DRY MY BALLS OFF WITH AND NOT GET KILLED?” AND THAT’S HOW WE GET OURSELVES IN A BAD MOOD. YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M SAYING? WHEN I SAY THAT MEN LIKE YOU QUIET, I DON’T MEAN QUIET ALL THE TIME. I TALK FOR A LIVING. I MEAN SELECTIVELY SILENT. KNOW WHEN TO BE QUIET. WOMEN TEND TO WANT TO TALK ALL THE TIME. IF IT’S IN OUR HEAD, WE WANT IT OUT
OUR MOUTH. BLAH BLAH, BLAH THAT’S WHY WE HAVE SPRINT PLAN, UNLIMITED MINUTES FOR $99. BLAH BLAH BLAH THAT’S CHICKS. THAT’S NOT A DUDE. THIS IS HOW A DUDE USES HIS CELLPHONE. “CHUCK, MEET ME AT HOOTERS.” THAT’S A DUDE RIGHT THERE. BOOM WOMEN BLAD BLADA BLADA RIGHT? SO, WHEN A MAN COMES HOME FROM WORK, HE’S IN A DIFFERENT FRAME OF MIND THAN YOU ARE BECAUSE WE’VE LET OFF PRESSURE ALL DAY BY TALKING. WE LET THE STEAM OUT. IT’S LIKE A VALVE. BUT WHEN A GUY GOES TO WORK, IT’S LIKE RAMPING UP TO WARFARE. HE’S GOT TO GET IN A CAR AND HE’S GOT TO DRIVE IN TRAFFIC AND HE’S GOT TO GO BE IN A BUILDING HE DOESN’T WANT TO BE IN AND MAYBE HE’S GOT SOME SHIRT ON WITH SOME PENDEJO LOGO, LIKE A SPRINT ON IT OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. AND HE’S GOT TO FIGURE OUT WHO’S IN POWER SO HE CAN KISS HIS ASS AND NOT SMACK HIM IN THE CHOPS, EVEN THOUGH HE REALLY WANTS TO, AND HOW TO AVOID THE GAY GUY IN ACCOUNTING THAT HE SECRETLY LIKES BUT IT MAKES HIM FEEL WEIRD… AND THEN HE’S GOT TO GET BACK IN THE CAR AND DRIVE HOME IN TRAFFIC. WHEN YOUR MAN COMES HOME FROM WORK, LET HIM COME THROUGH THE DOOR. Shh. LET HIM RAMP DOWN. LET HIM GO IN THE KITCHEN, GRAB A BEER, A PITCHER OF ICED TEA IF HE’S IN A.A. LET HIM GO IN THE DEN, UNDO HIS TIE, UNDO HIS PANTS, LET A LITTLE BREEZE PAST THE BUNNIES. AND THEN SAY, “HOW WAS YOUR DAY?” WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE GREETED THAT WAY, SIR? WOULD YOU LIKE THAT? “HOW WAS YOUR DAY?” YEAH, AND THEN GIVE HIM THE NEWS REPORT. LET HIM RELAX. DID YOU UNDERSTAND, CLAUDIA, WHAT I MEANT WHEN I SAID THE BUNNIES? THE BUNNIES THE CONEJITOS. HUEVOS, TESTICLES, BALLS, NUTS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU KNOW, THE BUNNIES. OKAY. BECAUSE THE THING IS, WORDS ARE POWERFUL, AND IF YOU MAKE SOMETHING SOUND CUTE, THEN YOU’RE MORE LIKELY TO PET
IT. YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M SAYING? MEN LIKE WHEN YOU PET THE BUNNIES, CLAUDIA. BECAUSE THEY’RE VERY SENSITIVE. THEY’RE NOT PRETTY, THE BUNNIES. LET’S BE HONEST. THERE’S NOTHING LIKE THAT ON A WOMAN. NO MATTER HOW YOUNG A MAN IS, BALLS LOOK OLD. LIKE, YOU NEVER GET A NEW PAIR. THEY JUST RECYCLE THEM. YOUR UNCLE CHUCK DIED AND LEFT YOU HIS BALLS, SON. WEAR THEM IN GOOD HEALTH. THESE ARE GOOD ONES. WWII BALLS. YEAH. YOU GET WHAT I’M SAYING, CLAUDIA, ABOUT THE…? THEY LIKE IT… WHEN YOU TOUCH THEM. WHICH BRINGS ME TO NUMBER
THREE. I DON’T WANT TO BE CRASS OR UGLY. YOU’RE A BEAUTIFUL CROWD. I’M THRILLED TO HAVE YOU. SO I’M JUST GONNA SAY IT FAST. PLEASE PAY ATTENTION. LEARN TO LICK A WIENER. DID EVERYBODY HEAR ME? DID EVERYBODY HEAR ME? RON IS CHEERING, YES. EVIDENTLY, RON HEARD ME. BECAUSE IT’S SO VERY IMPORTANT. THEY LIKE IT. I’M NOT SAYING YOU GOT TO WATCH A VIDEO AND BECOME A HEADSMITH OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. I’M JUST SAYING… IF YOUR MOUTH IS IN THE VICINITY OF THE MAN’S WEENIE, YOU LOOK HAPPY, THE MAN IS HAPPY. THEY LIKE IT. IT’S TRUE. AND I GOT TO TELL YOU I TOLD YOU EARLIER ABOUT THE INTERVIEW YOU CAN’T MESS AROUND. YOU GOT TO BE HONEST.
THE FIRST NIGHT I MET MY HUSBAND, I SAID, “I WANT A COMMITTED, MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP HEADED TOWARDS MARRIAGE AND A FAMILY. ARE YOU IN OR WHAT?” HE SAID, “YEAH, OKAY.” HE’S COOL. HE’S A FORMER NAVY SEAL. HE’S A VIETNAM VET. HE’S BEEN STABBED IN THE HEAD. HE’S PERFECT FOR ME. VIETNAM, MONIQUE. VIETNAM, MONIQUE. VERY SIMILAR. IT’S SO FUNNY, BUT HE’S LEARNING
ABOUT MY WAYS, MY GIRLFRIENDS. CHICKS ARE DIFFERENT WITH THEIR GIRLS, YOU KNOW? CHICKS ARE DIFFERENT WITH THEIR GIRLS. WE HAVE DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIP TO OUR FRIENDS. WHEN MEN HAVE FRIENDS, YOU JUST HAVE FRIENDS. “THIS MY BUD, MY FRIEND.” YOU HAVE FRIENDS ACROSS THE BOARD. YOU DRINK, YOU GOLF, YOU GAMBLE, YOU TALK TRASH, YOU HANG OUT WITH YOUR BUDDIES, YOU KNOW? IT’S DIFFERENT. WOMEN HAVE FRIENDS FOR DIFFERENT PURPOSES. WE HAVE THE COWORKER WE EAT LUNCH WITH WE DON’T LIKE HER, WE DON’T TRUST HER, AND WE TALK ABOUT HER FAT ASS THE MINUTE WE’RE AWAY FROM HER. THEN WE HAVE UNDER HER, WE HAVE THE HANGING-OUT FRIEND. SHE’S NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND, BUT SHE’S BETTER THAN CLEANING YOUR HOUSE. THEN UNDER HER, YOU HAVE
YOUR “LOOKING FOR MEN” FRIENDS. YOU ONLY SEE HER ON FRIDAY. SHE’S A LOT BETTER-LOOKING
THAN YOU. YEAH, YOU’RE JUST THERE FOR A LITTLE SPILL-OFF WIENER. LET’S FACE IT SHE’S A TOTAL
WHORE. I MEAN, LET’S FACE IT. YOU TAKE UP FOR HER WHEN PEOPLE CALL HER OUT, BUT YOU KNOW SHE’S A BIG OL’ PUTA. AND IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHICH ONE IS YOUR SLUT FRIEND, THEN IT’S YOU. MEN LIKE THEIR LOVE KINESTHETIC. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? NO. THAT MEANS THEY LIKED TO BE TOUCHED. IF YOU HAVE A MAN IN YOUR LIFE AND YOU WANT TO SHOW HIM THAT YOU LOVE HIM, TOUCH HIM. THAT’S HOW YOU KEEP IT TOGETHER. THEY WANT YOU TO SCRATCH THEIR SCALP AND RUB THEIR BACK AND TOUCH THEIR FEET. THEY’RE BABIES. ARE YOU A BABY, JUAN? OF COURSE YOU ARE, BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT YOU’RE 13. RON, ARE YOU A BABY? OF COURSE YOU ARE. YOU LIKE TO BE YOUR WIFE’S LIKE, “OHH.” AND SHE’S GOT THAT LOOK LIKE, “YOU DON’T WANT TO BE AROUND HIM WHEN HE HAS A COLD.” HE’S LIKE, “TRáEME SOPA, TENGO FIEBRE.” YOU’RE A BABY, AREN’T YOU? THAT’S OKAY. WE HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT, SEE? THAT’S NOT GONNA CHANGE. WOMEN, JUAN, LIKE THEIR LOVE AUDIO/VISUAL. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? THERE’S DIFFERENT FORMS OF
LOVE. I’M TELLING YOU IMPORTANT THINGS. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? WE NEED TO SEE IT. WE NEED THAT REASSURANCE. WE NEED EVIDENCE. WE NEED TO KNOW. THAT’S WHY WE NEED A CARD OR
A FLOWER. IT’S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY. I MEAN, THE MONEY’S NICE. NOBODY’S EVER GONNA TURN DOWN JEWELRY, BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT, JUAN. IT’S BECAUSE WE NEED SOMETHING WHEN YOU’RE NOT HOME TO GO, “OH, HE LOVES ME,” LIKE THAT. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WE NEED EVIDENCE TO TAKE TO THE COVEN AND SHOW THE OTHER WITCHES. THAT’S THE IMPORTANT PART. EVERY LOVE LETTER YOU’VE EVER WRITTEN YOUR WOMAN HAS BEEN PASSED AROUND A TABLE. “HE CAN’T SPELL FOR CHIT, GIRL, BUT HE LOVES YOU.” THAT’S AWESOME. “I’M JEALOUS. THAT’S A BEAUTIFUL POEM.” I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU’RE YOUNG AND YOU’RE VOLATILE AND YOU’RE GONNA FIGHT, AND THAT DOESN’T CHANGE IF YOU’RE 20 OR 30 OR 40 OR 70. PEOPLE FIGHT. AND WHEN YOU’RE YOUNG, THEY
GIVE YOU THAT PCE OF ADVICE “PICK YOUR BATTLES.” HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THAT ONE? PICK YOUR BATTLES. YOU KNOW WHAT? DON’T FIGHT PERIOD. THAT’S IT. ‘CAUSE THERE’S NO FIGHT YOU CAN EVER WIN WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE. BECAUSE WHEN YOU FIRST GET WITH SOMEBODY, IT’S, LIKE, PERFECT. IT’S PERFECT, LIKE A CAR. IT’S PERFECT. AND THEN EVERY TIME YOU FIGHT, IT’S LIKE A DING. YOU CAN TAKE THE DENT OUT, YOU CAN USE THE TOUCH-UP PAINT, BUT IT’S THERE. IT’S GOT A DING. I’M GONNA USE A CAR ANALOGY. I THINK JUAN CAN GET THAT. JUAN? SO THERE’S NO FIGHT YOU CAN WIN, AND I’M GONNA TELL YOU HOW TO SEE A FIGHT COMING SO YOU CAN STOP IT IN ITS NASCENT STAGE BEFORE IT DOES ANY DAMAGE AT ALL, OKAY? SO THIS IS I’M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT TO DO TO STOP A FIGHT. NUMBER ONE, 98% OF THE TIME WHEN MEN AND WOMEN FIGHT, IT IS THE WOMAN WHO STARTS THE FIGHT. YOU TWO ARE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER “THE BITCH IS RIGHT.” AND I’LL TELL YOU WHY. I’LL TELL YOU WHY. BECAUSE WOMEN THINK THAT THEY CAN TAKE THE HIT, THAT WE’LL GET OVER IT, BUTWHO ARE WE KIDDING? WE GET OVER NOTHING. WE HOLD GRUDGES AGAINST BITCHES IN THIRD GRADE, OKAY? WHO ARE WE KIDDING? RON, HAVE YOU EVER DONE SOMETHING SMALL, INCONSEQUENTIAL, AND YOUR WOMAN WENT NUTS IN AN INSTANT ON YOU? HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED? IT’S GONNA HAPPEN WHEN YOU GET IN THE CAR, BUT, YEAH. YES. I’M GONNA TELL YOU WHY, HONEY. IT’S NOT THE THING YOU DID JUST THAT MOMENT THAT MADE HER MAD, ‘CAUSE YOU’RE THINKING, LIKE, “I DID NOTHING.
I LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP. IT WAS NOTHING. IT WAS A LITTLE THING.” AND IT WAS GO TIME. NYAH, NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH AND, MEN, WHEN A WOMAN GETS HOT LIKE THAT, THEY FREAK OUT ‘CAUSE THEY KNOW THIS IS A
SPECIAL KIND OF ANGER, LIKE A THERMONUCLEAR. THEY ALWAYS LOOK AT THE WOMAN LIKE THEY’RE
SEEING FIRE FOR THE FIRST TIME, LIKE A CAVE MAN, LIKE, “UH?” BUT THE WOMAN’S WAITED SO
LONG, AND IT’S BEEN FESTERING AND MARINATING, AND NOW SHE’S LIKE, NYAH, NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH THE MAN’S LIKE, “UH? UH?” ‘CAUSE THE MAN DOES NOT WANT TO ENGAGE. MEN DON’T LIKE TO FIGHT UNLESS JOSE CUERVO IS
BEHIND THEM GOING, “GO GET HIM, GO GET HIM, GO GET HIM.” AND MEN ARE SO COOL. MEN CAN GET IN A FIGHT, POP EACH OTHER, AND THEY’LL HELP EACH OTHER UP. “DOG, DON’T MAKE ME HIT YOU AGAIN.” WOMEN AREN’T LIKE THAT. SO YOU GOT [YAPPING] AND THE MAN’S LIKE, “UH?” AND THE WOMAN WILL SAY WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET YOU IN THE FIGHT WITH HER BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO HAVE IT OUT. SHE WANTS TO HAVE A CAGE MATCH WITH YOUR ASS, YOU KNOW? LIKE [YAPPING] AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIGHT, THE MAN ALWAYS STOPS AND GOES LIKE THIS “FINE! I’M SORRY.” BUT THE MAN IS SO NOT SORRY. THE MAN DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE DID. AND THE WOMAN STARTS BRINGING UP STUFF HE DID YEARS AGO, AND HE HAS TO AGREE ‘CAUSE HE CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT
HE ATE FOR LUNCH YESTERDAY. SO THE FIGHT’S LIKE THE MAN SAYS, “FINE, I’M SORRY,” AND HERE’S THE SAD PART. WHEN THE MAN SAYS, “FINE, I’M SORRY,” THAT’S MAN-SPEAK FOR, “IF I GIVE
IN, CAN THIS BE DONE?” HE HAS REALLY GOOD INTENTIONS. “IF I THROW IN THE WHITE TOWEL, WILL YOU SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE?! PLEASE?!” BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THE MAN WANTS. THE MAN WANTS TO TURN ON HIS HEEL AND WALK AWAY. “I SAID I’M SORRY.” AND WHEN THE MAN TURNS AND WALKS AWAY, THE MAN THINKS THE FIGHT IS OVER. SILLY, SILLY MAN. OH, NO. BUT, LADIES, THIS IS THE PART THAT’S GEARED TOWARDS YOU. PLEASE, CLAUDIA, I’M BEGGING YOU, OKAY? DON’T LEARN THE HARD WAY. WHEN A MAN SAYS, “DING DING. FIGHT’S OVER. CAN WE HUMP?” NOW, I KNOW YOU DON’T WANT TO BECAUSE YOU’RE SAD. YOU’RE LIKE [SNIFFLES] YOUR FEELINGS ARE HURT. IT’S GONNA TAKE YOU A WHILE TO COME DOWN FROM THE FIGHT. AND JUAN’S GONNA COME UP BEHIND YOU WITH A STEEL BLUE BONER A CAT CAN’T SCRATCH. HE’S GONNA BE POKING YOU IN THE BACK “I SAID I’M SORRY, HONEY. COME ON.” AND YOU’RE LIKE, “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU! YOU’RE SO INSENSITIVE! I’M STILL MAD!
MAYBE LATER. LOOK, I’M CRYING. LEAVE ME ALONE, ASSHOLE.” AND WHAT YOU DON’T REALIZE IS JUAN
IS DIFFERENT THAN YOU BECAUSE HE’S A MAN. HE DOESN’T DO THE MATH BETWEEN TEARS AND NO SEX DRIVE. HE DOESN’T DO THAT MATH BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT WIRED LIKE US, SEE? GUYS, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT, FOR A WOMAN, SEX IS EMOTIONAL. YOU THINK WE WITHHOLD SEX AFTER
A FIGHT TO SPITE YOU, TO FORCE YOU TO APOLOGIZE FOR REAL, TO SHOW YOU THE ERROR OF YOUR WEENIE WAYS. NO, THESE ARE JUST DELICIOUS BY-PRODUCTS. THE REASON WHY WOMEN CANNOT HAVE SEX AFTER A FIGHT IS BECAUSE IF YOU HURT OUR FEELINGS, YOU HURT OUR GYNIE. THEY ARE CONNECTED. WHEN A WOMAN POUTS, SHE POUTS WITH BOTH LIPS. OH, YEAH. ABSOLUTELY. AND YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT SO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE UP AGAINST. BUT, LADIES, GET OVER IT FASTER, BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT LIKE
US. THE BRAIN, THE PEE-PEE NOT CONNECTED. A GUY CAN BE DEPRESSED AND SPORTING FULL WOOD. HE CAN BE SAD, DOESN’T MATTER. I BELIEVE A GUY CAN BE CRYING AND JACKING OFF AT THE SAME TIME. I THINK HE CAN BE IN THE DEN CHANNEL SURFING, CATCH A PIECE OF “BRIAN’S SONG,” AND GO, “OH, MY GOD, HE’S DYING. BUT HE WON THE HEISMAN.” ‘CAUSE THAT’S GUYS. THEY’RE DIFFERENT. SO I’M TELLING YOU, LADIES, GET OVER IT. BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T GET OVER THE FIGHT, YOU’LL GO FROM HAVING HOT MONKEY SEX, ALL DOGGY-STYLE, TO HAVING WHAT I CALL “ROADKILL SEX.” BECAUSE YOU’LL BE LIKE A POSSUM. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A POSSUM, CLAUDIA, ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD PLAYING DEAD? JUST LAYING THERE, AND THE MAN COMES IN, AND HE’S POKING AND SNIFFING, AND YOU’RE LIKE… TRYING TO GET YOUR EYE LIDS TO TWITCH SO HE’LL THINK YOU’RE IN REM SLEEP AND IT’S OUT OF THE QUESTION. SHE’S PRETTY NEWLY MARRIED, BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU, YOUR WIFE’S GOT A LITTLE BIT OF THE ROADKILL FACE GOING. YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. THANK YOU, AND GOOD NIGHT. THANK YOU. MONIQUE MARVEZ! MONIQUE MARVEZ! FROM LAREDO, TEXAS, OR AS I LIKE TO SAY, “LA-DEDO, TE-HAS,” PLEASE MAKE HER WELCOME MISS SANDRA VALLS. ♪ QUE BIEN TE QUEDAN ESOS JEANES APRETADOS ♪ ♪ TRIGUEÑITA, VEN Y BAILA AQUí A ♪ MI LADO ♪ ♪ ME
PARECE QUE LA NOCHE A ♪ COMENZADO ♪ WHEN I ACTUALLY SAID, “I REALLY WANT TO MOVE TO L.A. FOR COMEDY, MY DAD ACTUALLY SAID TO ME ACTUALLY SAID TO ME “WHY DON’T YOU MOVE HERE?
LOOK AT YOUR COUSIN. SHE WORKS AT THE BANK. SHE CAN GET YOU A REALLY GOOD JOB AT THE BANK.” I WAS BORN IN NEBRASKA ‘CAUSE MY DAD IS, LIKE, FARMERS FROM THERE. AND WE MOVED TO NUEVO LAREDO, MEXICO, ‘CAUSE MY MOM’S FROM MEXICO. MY HOUSE WAS RIGHT BEHIND A WHOLE BLOCK OF HOUSES THAT USED TO BE USED AS PROSTITUTION HOUSING. NOT THAT I’M… YOU KNOW, A LADY OF THE NIGHT. COME ON. WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN TIMES GET TOUGH. MY MOTHER WOULD CALL ME EVERY
WEEK AND ASK ME IF I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. AND SHE GOES, “¿ Y LOS NOVIOS?” AND I GO, “WHAT ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO ASK ME?” “WELL, NO, IF YOU HAVE SOMEBODY SPECIAL.” I GO, “WELL, I DO.” I WAS LIKE, “IT’S NOT A BOY.” “WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO ME?” I’M ALL, “THAT I LIKE GIRLS.” AND THEN SHE’S LIKE, “I CAN’T TALK ON THE PHONE.” AND HE’S LIKE, “YOU KNOW, YOUR COUSIN” AGAIN WITH MY COUSIN. “YOUR OTHER COUSIN’S GETTING MARRIED.” I’M ALL, “MM-HMM.” “ARE
YOU EVER GONNA GET MARRIED?” HE JUST SKIPPED THE BOYFRIEND. “I KNEW IT!” HE GOES, “IT’S THAT GIRL SANDY! YOU WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HER THAN YOUR BOYFRIEND, JUAN.” I DID HAVE ONE BOYFRIEND. HE HAD TO BE NAMED JUAN, OF ALL THINGS. I HAD A DREAM I TOTALLY HAD
A DREAM, AND THIS IS A TRUE STORY, THAT I’M GOING TO THE LADIES’ ROOM TRUE STORY TO GO PEE, AND I GO AND I HAVE THIS HUMONGOUS PENIS. “I GOT TO DO SOMETHING WITH IT. LIKE, I HAVE IT.” AND I WOKE UP LAUGHING ‘CAUSE I’M THINKING, I GOT PUT IT SOMEWHERE. I THINK IT’S AWESOME. THAT’S HOW WE FEEL. RIGHT? I COULD HAVE BEEN A BANKER. LOOK AT YOUR COUSIN. LOOK AT MY
COUSIN. BUT I LOVE I’VE ALWAYS LOVED HAVING FUN. AND I COLLECT TOYS. I LOVE TOYS, I LOVE ACTION FIGURES. FOOTBALL IS GAY. SO, IS THIS HOW YOUR IDEAS COME TO YOU? NORMALLY I PUT A PICTURE OF SOME OHH! NICE! DUDE! BULL’S-EYE! AND PLAYBOYEDITS OVER THERE, BUT MY OFFICE IS OVER HERE. PLAYBOY EDITS? REALLY. SO, UNFORTUNATELY, DUDE, LIKE, I’M OVER HERE. AND I’M GONNA GO OVER HERE. SO, PRODUCER BY DAY. RIGHT. COMEDIAN BY NIGHT. IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CANNOT
DO? NO. THE ANSWER IS NO. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I PRESENT TO YOU LATIN DIVA OF COMEDY MISS SANDRA VALLS! HI! WHAT’S ON YOU SHIRT? I LIKE THAT. THESE ARE BOXERS. I LIKE THEM. WANT
TO FEEL IT? YES, I DO. COME BACK HERE. GIVE IT UP FOR ALEX REYMUNDO! THE ORIGINAL LATIN
KING OF COMEDY RIGHT THERE. AND, OF COURSE, ONE OF THE BIGGER DIVAS FROM ALL OF US, ACTUALLY. I MEAN, LOOK AT HIS HAIR. ESTá TODO CHULO WITH HIS HAIR ALL. HE’S THE FIRST MAN THAT HAS NICER HAIR THAN I DO. NO TE ENOJES, NO TE ENOJES. TE QUIERO, TE QUIERO. LOOK AT THAT GUY OVER THERE “OH, MY GOD, THE WHITE GIRL JUST SPIT OUT THE SPANISH!” DUDE, I KNOW. HE’S LIKE, “I THOUGHT IT WAS LATIN DIVAS.” I AM LATINA. WHERE ARE THE PALE LATINOS IN THE HOUSE?! I GREW UP LIKE SUPER-MEXICAN, MAN, NOT JUST LIKE A REGULAR MEXICAN. LIKE, MEGA-MEXICAN. MY DAD’S ALL PANCHO VILLA. LIKE HA HA HA! LIKE THAT KIND OF MEXICAN. PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO ME, “YOU KNOW, IT’S REALLY HARD GROWING UP PALE AND MEXICAN.” YEAH, IT WAS HARD. I THINK IT WAS EVEN HARDER… GROWING UP PALE, MEXICAN, AND GAY. I MEAN, THAT WAS GAY, PALE WHAT DO
YOU MEAN? “OOH, HEY.” “OOH, HEY.” “VAMANOS, VETE DEL DIABLO! VAMANOS! LET’S GO! THE LESBIAN’S ONSTAGE! COME ON!” WHAT’S THE MATTER? YOU DIDN’T KNOW I WAS LESBIAN? I GOT TO GIVE IT TO YOU. I’LL EXCUSE YOU. I’M WEARING MY “FK ME” SHOES. THE STRAIGHT-GIRL “FK ME” SHOES THREW YOU OFF A LITTLE. BECAUSE YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL A LESBIAN BY HER SHOES. THE STRAIGHT GIRLS WEAR “FK ME” SHOES. LESBOS “FK YOU” SHOES. THAT’S RIGHT. BUT TONIGHT, SIR, I UNDERSTAND. LOOK AT HIM HOLDING HIS WIFE A LITTLE CLOSER. WHAT? HEY, HEY, HEY, DON’T LET HER FOOL YOU. SHE GAVE ME A LITTLE SIGN. SHE WENT LIKE THIS. DON’T BE TELLING ME, “I’M CRACKING MY KNUCKLES.” WHO CRACKS THEIR KNUCKLES LIKE THAT? BULLCHIT! OH, YOU’RE PROBABLY ONE OF THOSE GUYS LIKE, “I DON’T CARE IF SHE GOES OUT WITH A GIRL.” UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH. YOU KNOW WHAT BISEXUAL MEANS? BYE-BYE. WHO’S GAY HERE? ANY LESBOS IN THE HOUSE? WHOO! WHOO! OVER THERE! ONE MAN OVER HERE. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. YOU KIND OF LOOK LIKE ONE OF US, WITH YOUR LITTLE MULLET AND MAN-TITS. I GOT IT. YEAH, YEAH. YOU’RE HOT. WHAT ARE YOU, GAY? STRAIGHT? I’M LOOKING AT YOU WITH YOUR BIG TATAS THERE. I’M LOOKING RIGHT AT YOU, BABY. NO, IT’S NOT WRONG. IF YOU DON’T WANT ME TO LOOK, YOU WOULDN’T BE WEARING THAT SHIRT. YES OR NO, GUYS? YES OR NO, GUYS? YES OR NO, RIGHT? COME ON! THOSE ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL TITS I’VE EVER SEEN. COME ON, TELL ME. GAY? STRAIGHT? BI? NOT SURE? YOU’RE NOT SURE. WHAT IS WITH THE BISEXUAL
THING? THE WHOLE MySpace, THE WHOLE NOT SURE? WHO’S GOT MySpace? THEY HAVE GAY, STRAIGHT,
BI, NOT SURE. SEE ME AFTER THE SHOW. I’LL MAKE YOU SURE. NOT SURE. ¿ QUE LA CHINGADA?
NOT SURE. COME ON. SIR, DON’T LOOK AT ME WEIRD. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW? THERE WERE SIGNS. EVERYONE HAS KIDS. THERE ARE SIGNS GROWING UP THAT YOUR KIDS GIVE OUT. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I USED TO WALK AROUND THE HOUSE PRETENDING TO BE THE FONZ. YOU KNOW THOSE FLINTSTONES VITAMINS? MY BROTHER AND SISTER WOULD KILL FOR DINO. I WANTED TO EAT WILMA. WHAT? MARY ANN FROM “GILLIGAN’S ISLAND,” OKAY WITH THE LITTLE SHORT SHORTS AND THE LITTLE TOP? I WOULD’VE TRADED ALL MY G.I. JOES FOR JUST ONE TASTE OF THAT COCONUT-CREAM PIE. THERE WERE SIGNS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY VERY MEXICAN FAMILY BE AROUND THE DINNER TABLE AND JUST COME OUT AND JUST BLURT OUT ALL, “MAMI, PAPI, GUESS WHAT I EAT PSY. PASS THE SALT!” MY MOTHER PROBABLY WOULDN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT WAS. “PSY?” “PUES I MADE TACOS. Tú ESTáS LOCA.
Tú QUIERES PSY? GO GET TAKEOUT.” I CAME OUT TO HER FIRST. ¿ PERO QUE QUé? OH, MY GOD! iQUE MORTIFICACíON! iDIOS MIO! FREAKING OUT, ALL, LIKE, GROSSING OUT. [ COUGHING ] LIGHTING
CANDLES TO ALL THE SAINTS. MY DAD I CAME OUT TO MY DAD. “MIJA, VEN. WHY YOU LIKE GIRLS?” “PAPI, WHY DO YOU?” “OKAY.” I LOVE THE STRAIGHT GUYS’ REACTION ‘CAUSE I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. YOU’RE THINKING ONE OF TWO THINGS “HEY, WANT TO WATCH FOOTBALL? I’M A TOUGH GUY.” BECAUSE YOU’RE FINE WITH GAY WOMEN BUT NOT FINE WITH GAY MEN. LET ME TELL YOU, YOU WATCH FOOTBALL?
FOOTBALL IS THE GAYEST SPORT IN THE PLANET. OKAY? FIRST OF ALL, A BUNCH OF MEN RUN AROUND
IN THESE TIGHT, SHINY PANTS, PRANCING AROUND. AT ONE POINT, SOME GUY REACHES DEEP BETWEEN SOMEONE’S BUTT… TO GRAB A BALL. THEY RUN AROUND AGAIN. THEN THEY END UP IN A MASSIVE,
SWEATY MOUND OF MAN-FLESH OR SOMETHING. AND THEN, WHEN IT’S ALL SAID AND DONE, THEY TAKE OFF ALL THEIR CLOTHES AND GO TAKE A SHOWER TOGETHER! GAY! EITHER THAT OR STRAIGHT MEN
ARE LIKE, “HEY, HEY, HEY, TWO GIRLS. CAN I WATCH?” NO, YOU KNOW THAT WAS A GIRL CLAPPING. FORGET YOU OVER THERE. I’M LIKING THIS ONE. YOU CAN DO MORE THAN WATCH, MAMA. NONE OF THIS. ‘CAUSE AM I RIGHT? “CAN I WATCH?” GUYS, STOP ASKING ME IF YOU CAN WATCH. OF COURSE YOU CAN WATCH. PULL UP A CHAIR. GET A LITTLE NOTEPAD, TAKE A LITTLE NOTES. YOU MAY LEARN A THING OR TWO, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? OOH! OH, OH, OH, DON’T “OOH” ME. I HEAR IT FROM THE LADIES. LADIES, DO THEY NEED HELP? A LITTLE HELP AROUND THE MM-MMM? YEAH! HERE’S WHAT I SAY. I SAY, “MOVE OVER, DR. PHIL. STEP BACK, OPRAH. HERE COMES ‘BUTCH TALK.'” THEY SHOULD HAVE A SHOW LIKE, “HEY, HELLO, EVERYBODY, AND WELCOME TO ‘BUTCH TALK’! TODAY, WE’RE GONNA LEARN ON THE SHOW HOW TO REALLY MAKE IT SO SHE WON’T HAVE TO FAKE IT. WE’RE GONNA LEARN HOW TO GET THE BIG ‘O’ INSTEAD OF THE BIG ‘NO.'” GENTLEMEN, PAY ATTENTION. THE LOVE HANDLES ARE NEVER, AND I REPEAT, NEVER TO BE TWISTED, TURNED, OR TUGGED. NUMBER TWO, GENTLEMEN PAY ATTENTION. THE BREASTS ARE NOT STRESS BALLS. DON’T DO THAT. THEY’RE NOT KNOBS,
EITHER. AND NUMBER THREE, GENTLEMEN, MORE IMPORTANTLY, I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IN THE
HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS STUFF? WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING IN THERE, REACHING FOR CHANGE OR SOMETHING? IT’S A PSY, NOT A PAY PHONE. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS STUFF? IF YOU MUST DO THE TWO-FINGER INSERT, GENTLEMEN, YOU TURN IT THE HELL AROUND. AND THEN YOU DO A “COME HERE” MOTION. “COME HERE, COME HERE.” SHE’LL COME HERE. I DON’T HAVE I’M NOT ANTI-PENIS, OKAY? I’M NOT ANTI-PENIS. I HAVE FIVE IN MY DRAWER. BUT THOSE THINGS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE, YOU KNOW? THEY’RE TOO TIGHT, THEY’RE TOO LOOSE, THE THING FLOPS AROUND. I WANT TO INVENT AN EASY STRAP-ON, LIKE ♪ STRAP-ON ♪ STRAP-OFF ♪ I HEARD IN THE NEWS, THOUGH SAD STORY THERE’S A CURE FOR GAY. NO. SHE’S ALL, “NO.” MA’AM, YOU ARE THE BIGGEST DYKE I’VE EVER MET. SHE’S YOUR WIFE? I DON’T GIVE A FK. SHE’S FLIRTING WITH ME, DUDE. THERE’S A CURE FOR GAY. BUT IF THERE’S A CURE, IT’S PROBABLY A SICKNESS, RIGHT? AND IF IT’S A SICKNESS, THEN I DESERVE SICK TIME. I’M GONNA CALL IN TOMORROW “YEAH, I CAN’T
COME IN TO WORK TODAY. I’M CALLING IN GAY.” “I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. WHEN I WENT TO BED LAST NIGHT, I WAS STRAIGHT. THEN I MET THIS GIRL IN THE AUDIENCE. SHE MADE ME GAY.” I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE WHOLE THING ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE. YOU KNOW WHAT? LET US GET MARRIED,
FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST. IT’S JUST MY RIGHTS. ALL I’M SAYING IS, IF I DON’T HAVE ALL THOSE RIGHTS, I MEAN, WHY SHOULD I PAY ALL MY TAXES? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YOU CAN CLAP, YOU CAN
CLAP. [ APPLAUSE ] JUST MY THOUGHT. JUST A THOUGHT, YOU KNOW? AND THE GAYS IN THE MILITARY?
I’M GOING, “OKAY, OKAY. GAYS IN THE MILITARY.” THIS WHOLE THING, “DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL” KIND OF STUPID. ‘ CAUSE SOME PEOPLE YOU DON’T HAVE TO ASK. YOU CAN JUST TELL. AND I’M SORRY. WE’RE GOING ABOUT THIS WAR THE WRONG WAY. I THINK THEY SHOULD SEND IN ANGRY LESBIANS ON THEIR PERIOD TO IRAQ. WE’D BE DONE WITH THAT CHIT IN A WEEK. THEN SEND IN THE FAGS TO REDESIGN THE PLACE. THEN SEND IN THE MEXICANS TO REBUILD THE WHOLE FKING THING. RIGHT? RIGHT? THANK YOU! THANK YOU, GUYS! I’M SANDRA VALLS! THANK YOU. SANDRA VALLS! COME ON! SANDRA VALLS! WOW! AND WELCOME TO THE STAGE MY FAVORITE DIVA IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD, FROM DENVER,
COLORADO, MISS MARILYN MARTINEZ! ♪ QUE BIEN TE QUEDAN ESOS JEANES APRETADOS ♪ ♪ TRIGUEÑITA,
VEN Y BAILA AQUí A ♪ MI LADO ♪ ♪ ME PARECE QUE LA NOCHE HA ♪ COMENZADO ♪ THEY HAD THIS SHOW THAT I LOVED, OF COURSE, “THE JACKIE GLEASON SHOW,” AND THEY HAD THE JUNE TAYLOR DANCERS ON THERE, AND I USED TO GET UP, AND I USED TO TRY AND DANCE LIKE THEM AND DO THEIR MOVES. SO MY DAD DECIDED THAT HE WOULD GET ME TAP-DANCING LESSONS. AND MY FAVORITE PART WAS WE USED TO GET TO HAVE GIGS ON TV EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU KNOW? AND I USED TO GET TO GO TO THE “SHERIFF SCOTTY” TV SHOW. THE KIDS WOULD GO ON THERE, AND THEY WOULD GET TO GO ON THERE ‘CAUSE IT WAS THEIR BIRTHDAY. AND THEN AFTERWARDS, I’D GET TO
EAT CAKE. THAT, I THINK THAT WAS THE INCENTIVE. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? MY MOTHER AND FATHER WENT THROUGH SO MUCH PREJUDICE THERE IN THAT LITTLE IN THAT COLORADO IN THAT LITTLE TOWN OF LOVELAND. IT WAS PRETTY BAD. SO, SHE WOULD SAY THAT, “WE’RE SPANISH.” AND I WOULD LOOK IN THE MIRROR, AND I’D GO, “WHY DO I SEE A LITTLE INDIAN STANDING THERE?” NO, MY MOTHER NEVER WANTED
ME TO DO COMEDY. SHE HAD CUT OUT THIS ARTICLE WHERE EMMETT KELLY DIED. YOU KNOW, THE CLOWN, EMMETT KELLY? AND SHE CUT OUT THIS ARTICLE, AND SHE SAYS, “NOW, WHY IN THE HELL DO YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?” WOW. AND IN THE ARTICLE, HE SAID, YOU KNOW AH “DYING IS EASY, COMEDY IS HARD.” BUT I WOULD JUST DRIVE BY HERE AND THINK, “OH, SOMEDAY, MAYBE I’LL BE ABLE TO GET ON STAGE THERE.” THE PEOPLE THAT ARE HERE ARE PEOPLE THAT ARE REJECTED OTHER PLACES SOMETIMES. SO YOU REALLY DON’T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK? NO, I DON’T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK,
YOU KNOW? I REALLY DON’T. I REALLY DON’T CARE. IT’S JUST JOKES. YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU’RE ONSTAGE, THAT’S IT. THAT’S WHEN EVERYTHING IS AND THEN YOU’RE FINALLY GOING, “OKAY. THIS IS WHAT I WAITED AROUND ALL DAY FOR. BACK HERE? YEAH, OH, YEAH. FIGHTS HAPPEN HERE. A LOT OF THINGS HAPPEN GOOD HERE, BAD HERE. A LOT OF ARTISTIC INSPIRATION GOES ON. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS. OH, AND THERE’S MY PICTURE. THAT WAS A PHASE I WAS GOING THROUGH WHERE I JUST WANTED TO BE CALLED “MARILYN.” BUT IT’S A BIG THING TO HAVE YOUR PICTURE HERE IN THESE HALLS. OH, YEAH! AND HOW DO YOU GET YOUR NAME ON THE WALL? WELL, THEY PAINT THEM. NO! OH, YEAH. THEY MAKE YOU COME DOWN HERE AND JUST… SO, YOU WOULDN’T IMAGINE THAT WHEN YOU TOLD YOUR MOM YOU WERE GONNA MOVE TO LOS
ANGELES TO DO COMEDY… RIGHT. AND THERE YOU GO, BABY. THERE YOU GO. YOU SHOULD BE PROUD
OF YOURSELF. I AM, ALEX. I AM. I’M PROUD OF YOU, BABY. AND I’M PROUD TO PRESENT LATIN
DIVA MISS MARILYN MARTINEZ. ♪ ME PARECE QUE LA NOCHE HA COMENZADO ♪ ♪ CANTINERO, SíRVEME UN TRAGO ♪ ♪ VEN Y MUéVELO ♪ HEY, HEY, HEYYYYY!! HE’S A GOOD-LOOKING PCE OF ASS, ISN’T
HE? OH, YEAH. FK JENNY CRAIG. THAT BITCH CAN KISS ALL FOUR OF MY ASSES, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? SO TIRED OF HEARING THAT CHIT “LOSE ALL THE WEIGHT YOU WANT BY CHRISTMAS.” FK YOU. YOU’RE SITTING THERE THINKING, “OH, WE’RE GONNA HAVE HAM, AND WE’RE GONNA HAVE TAMALES. OH, NO, NO, NO, I’M ON A DIET.” FK THAT, NO. “I NEED TO LOSE 10 POUNDS.” 10 POUNDS? THAT’S LIKE ME TAKING A GOOD CHIT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IT STARTS AT HALLOWEEN. THAT’S THE CYCLE. IT STARTS AT HALLOWEEN. YOU GET THE LITTLE BAGS OF CANDY, 2 FOR $5 AT THE GROCERY STORE. START POUNDING THEM. I DON’T GIVE A CHIT. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I GIVE A CHIT? NO, I DON’T. I COULD CARE LESS. I’M A BIG FAT BITCH, AND I DON’T CARE. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? THIS IS A GOOD TIME, BABY. THIS IS A GOOD TIME. THIS IS CHICAGO PIZZA, THIS IS RIBS
IN TEXAS, THIS IS FUN. THIS ISN’T JUST SOME TORTILLA WITH SUGAR AND BUTTER ON IT. WELL, IT IS, BUT, I MEAN, YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? “OH, POOR THING. SHE PROBABLY HAD
A LOT OF KIDS OR MAYBE SHE HAS A THYROID PROBLEM.” NO. THIS IS EATING AND DRINKING LIKE A FKING PIG. THAT’S WHAT THIS IS. YOU KNOW? THIS ISN’T ANY OF THE I MEAN, I TRIED DIETS. I DON’T LIKE THEM. YOU GET GROUCHY. YOU KNOW, IT’S NOT A GOOD THING. I WENT TO THAT FKING WEIGHT
WATCHERS AND JENNY CRAIG, AND… THAT WEIGHT WATCHERS… THEY COUNT THE POINTS, YOU KNOW? THEY GIVE YOU SO MANY POINTS. THE FATTER YOU ARE, THE MORE POINTS YOU GET. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? ONE BREAKFAST AND THAT’S YOUR POINTS FOR THE WHOLE WEEK. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WHEN I HAVE A BREAKFAST, I WANT THE HUEVOS RANCHEROS. I WANT BACON. I WANT PANCAKES. I WANT A COUPLE BLOODY MARYS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YOU WANT POTATOES OF COURSE, POTATOES. THAT’S IT. THAT’S IT FOR THE WHOLE THING. BUT I TRIED. I WENT TO THE WEIGHT WATCHERS.I WENT TO THE MEETING. I’D SIT THERE, YOU KNOW, STARVING… ‘CAUSE YOU GO IN THERE, AND YOU HAVE TO WEIGH FIRST. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? SO, YOU’RE THERE. YOU DON’T EAT. SO YOU DON’T EAT BEFORE YOU GO. SO YOU GET THERE, AND YOU’RE LIKE, “I’M SO HUNGRY, LOOKING AT
THESE SKINNY BITCHES IN THERE,” YOU KNOW. AND VERY INNOCENTLY, I ASKED THEM I SAID, “YOU KNOW WHAT? I JUST WANT TO ASK YOU A QUESTION… ABOUT THE POINTS, ‘CAUSE I DON’T WANT TO WASTE
MY POINTS.” THEY GIVE YOU SO MANY POINTS YOU DON’T WANT TO WASTE IT ON SOMETHING YOU KNO, THAT YOU’RE GONNA REGRET OR THAT ISN’T GOOD, RIGHT? SO I SAID, “HOW MANY POINTS… ARE IN A GOOD HOT LOAD OF COME?” OH, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THEM. THEY LOST THEIR MINDS, THESE LITTLE
WOMEN. THEY WERE GOING, “OH, MY GOD. THAT’S DISGUSTING! WHAT?! THAT ISN’T THE WAY WE CONDUCT OUR MEETINGS HERE AT THE WEIGHT WATCHERS!” YOU KNOW, BUT I WANTED TO KNOW, ‘CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? WE’VE BEEN THERE, HAVEN’T WE, GIRLS? YOU KNOW YOU HAVE. EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE… SMK, SMK HMM AND ALL OF A SUDDEN… SMK UMM? NOT THAT YOU WANT TO, BUT IT HAPPENS. AND THEN WHAT ARE YOU GONNA GO “OH, CHIT. HOW MANY POINTS WAS THAT?” I’D BE SO MAD IF THAT WAS LIKE 10 POINTS AND I COULD HAVE HAD A SNICKERS. I’M GONNA BE SO MAD. SO, THANKFULLY, THERE WAS A GAY GUY SITTING IN THE BACK. HE RAISED HIS HAND. HE GOES, “IT ALL DEPENDS. IT ALL DEPENDS IF HE’S AN OLDER GUY OR A YOUNGER GUY… IF HE’S A MEAT-EATER OR VEGETARIAN.” SO IT’S THE OLD VEGETARIAN
IS THE ONE THAT DOESN’T SHOOT AS MANY POINTS. SO, YOU KNOW. BUT I LIKE A YOUNG CHORIZO-EATING
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? SOMEBODY’S LOOKING AT ME LIKE, “YOU KNOW, THAT’S NOT NORMAL. THAT’S JUST TERRIBLE THAT YOU WOULD SAY THAT.” OH, FK YOU. I DON’T MEAN TO OFFEND ANYBODY. I
REALLY DON’T. I’M NOT HERE TO OFFEND. BUT IF I DO OFFEND YOU, FK YOU. I’VE HAD A GOOD TIME HERE IN SAN BERNARDINO. I GOT LOADED LAST NIGHT SO DRUNK. DON’T GET EXCITED. I GET DRUNK WHEREVER I AM. BUT I HAD A PARTICULARLY GOOD TIME LAST NIGHT. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH SOME TAQUITOS UNDER MY TATAS. 5:00 IN THE MORNING THERE I WAS. “OH, MY GOODNESS. WHAT’S THAT?” AND THEY WERE STILL CRISPY, TOO, LIKE… I A MMMMYUM. LIKE AN OVEN UNDER HERE, BABY. IT’S ALL ABOUT MEMORIES, AND I’LL TAKE THAT HOME WITH ME. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YOU KNOW YOU HAVE YOUR MEMORIES. LIKE, TONIGHT, MAKE A MEMORY. JUST DON’T LEAVE HERE AND JUST GO HOME. DO SOMETHING CRAZY. YOU COUPLES, LIKE YOU ALL THE COUPLES HERE YOU KNOW, SIR, YOU FINGER HER ON THE WAY HOME TONIGHT. MY SISTER.. OH, YOU’RE NOT TOGETHER WHOEVER’S TOGETHER. WHO’S A COUPLE? YOU TWO, RIGHT THERE YOU. YEAH, THEY FREAKED OUT. “OH, HELL NO. THAT’S MY SISTER. YOU FAT BITCH, THAT’S NOT NICE.” BUT THE COUPLES REACH OVER AND JUST…RRR-RRR-RRR! BUT YOU DO THAT. YOU FINGER HER ON THE WAY
HOME. AND THEN WHEN YOU GO TO WORK ON MONDAY, TAKE OUT YOUR LITTLE CAMERA PHONE AND TAKE A PICTURE OF YOURSELF LIKE THIS. AND THAT’LL BE THE MEMORY. YOU’LL CALL YOUR FRIEND. YOU
GO, “SOME LITTLE FAT WOMAN TOLD HIM TO PLAY WITH MY COOCH ON THE WAY HOME, AND HE DID. AND, OH, MY GOD!” BUT YOU KNOW, THAT’S A MEMORY. MAKE ONE TONIGHT. LIKE, I NEVER GET TO SIT ON ANYBODY’S
FACE. I NEVER DO. I NEVER GET THAT CALL. “HEY, MARILYN. WE’RE OVER HERE AT THE KING TACO… THINKING ABOUT THAT TIME YOU ATE TWO DOZEN LENGUA TACOS. REMEMBER THAT? MAYBE YOU CAN COME OVER AND SIT ON MY FACE FOR A HALF AN HOUR.” I NEVER GET THAT CALL. AW. AND IT PISSES ME OFF ‘CAUSE YOU FKERS BRAG ALL THE TIME. “OH, I’M BENCHING 200. I’M BENCHING 250.” WELL, BENCH ME, MFKR. SO, YOU KNOW, YOU I’M NOT GONNA POINT AT YOU ANYMORE BUT YOU YOU SIT ON HIS FACE. YOU SIT ON HIS. YOU SIT ON HIS. YOU SIT ON HIS, YOU KNOW. GET UP THERE AND PUT ON SOME OLD-SCHOOL SANTANA OR SOMETHING. ♪ TI, TI, TI ♪ ♪ OYE COMO VA ♪ EAT A CHURRO OR SOMETHING WHILE YOU’RE DOING IT AND GOING… ♪ OYE ♪ YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? THINK OF THE LITTLE FAT GIRL THAT COULDN’T. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
NOBODY EVER PICKS ME UP, EITHER. NO, I WANT THAT, THOUGH. YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU SEE THE LITTLE
SKINNY BITCHES, WATCHING TV THE SOAP OPERAS, THEY RUN IN AND PICK THEM UP AND THROW THEM UP AGAINST THE WALL. “OH, BABY.” THEY’RE PUTTING THEIR LEGS AROUND THEM AND CHIT. NOBODY EVER PICKS ME UP. I WANT TO FKING BE PICKED UP. SOME OF YOU GUYS ARE LOOKING AT ME LIKE YOU’RE SCARED OF ME. YOU’RE NOT MY TYPE. ‘CAUSE YOU KNOW WHY? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE YOUR CHIT TOGETHER MOST OF YOU GUYS THAT ARE SITTING HERE. YOU DO, HUH? YOU HAVE CARS AND STUFF, HUH? HAVE INSURANCE, DON’T YOU? FK THAT IF YOU HAVE INSURANCE. YOU REALLY THINK YOU’RE HOT CHIT WITH THE INSURANCE. I DON’T LIKE THAT. I LIKE A LOSER. I LIKE A GUY YOU CALL
UP AND YOU SAY, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” “OH, I’M SMOKING WEED.” “OH, YEAH, WHAT ELSE?” “WELL, MY FRIENDS CAME OVER, AND WE’RE GONNA SMOKE SOME MORE WEED. WE’RE GONNA GET A COUPLE
12-PACKS AND SMOKE SOME MORE WEED. I’D COME AND GET YOU, BUT, YOU KNOW, I GOT THAT D.U.I. AND IF I TRY TO PUT YOU ON THE BICYCLE… I’M AFRAID YOU MIGHT PUT IT ON A FLAT, YOU KNOW.” BUT THAT’S MY KIND OF GUY, ‘CAUSE YOU DON’T GIVE A CHIT. YOU COME HOME. YOU KNOW,
WE’RE WALKING AROUND IN OUR NIGHT GOWN WITH OUR CHICHIS OUT. NO MAKEUP, HAIR ALL YOU KNOW? YOU DON’T CARE. YOU’RE NOT GONNA GO, “HEY, YOU SHOULD CLEAN YOURSELF UP. I WORKED HARD ALL DAY.” NO, FK THAT. YOU WAKE HIM UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. ” HEY, YOU WANT TO GO GET DOUGHNUTS?” “YEAH, I’LL GO. IT’S NOT LIKE I GOT TO GET UP AND GO TO WORK OR ANYTHING TOMORROW, HUH?” NO, THAT’S MY KIND OF GUY, MAN. AND THEN THEY’RE COOL, TOO. YOU GUYS WITH YOUR JOBS YOU HAVE AN ATTITUDE. YOU GET GROUCHY AND CHIT. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, TOO. YOU KNOW. AND WE KNOW ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT WORK, THE PEOPLE YOU HATE. WE KNOW WHO THEY ARE. “HOW WAS THE SON OF A BITCH TODAY?” “OH, THAT HE WAS REALLY YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN. I’M SICK OF THAT PLACE. I SHOULD QUIT IS WHAT I SHOULD DO. YOU KNOW, I SHOULD QUIT AND JUST LEAVE THEM HANGING. THEY’VE BEEN PLAYING FK-FK WITH ME. IF IT WASN’T FOR ME, THAT PLACE WOULD JUST FALL APART.” “WELL, YOU WANT ME TO BLOW YOU OR SOMETHING?” “HELL, NO! HELL, NO! I’M
TOO STRESSED OUT!” BUT A LOSER OH, YEAH, ANY TIME YOU KNOW. AND THEY’RE EVEN CREATIVE. “HEY, HEY, LISTEN. LET ME PUT MY DICK ON THE DINNER PLATE. LET ME PUT MY DICK ON THE DINNER PLATE AND PUT SOME GARNISH AROUND IT… SOME RICE AND SOME BEANS AND, HELL, I DON’T KNOW CARROTS, SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, MAKE IT COOL. AND THEN WE’LL TAKE A PICTURE OF IT. THEN WE’LL SCAN IT AND CHIT. I’LL PUT IT ON SOME T-SHIRTS. I’LL GO DOWN THE CORNER AND SELL THE SON OF A BITCHES.” THAT’S THE KIND OF ENERGY I LIKE. OH, YEAH. SO I’VE BEEN GOING TO THE HOME DEPOT LATELY. NO, ‘CAUSE I WANT TO BE PICKED UP. SO I’VE BEEN GOING TO THE HOME DEPOT AND PICKING UP THESE LITTLE MEXICANS YOU KNOW, THE ONES THAT STAND OUTSIDE THERE, THE DAY WORKERS, ‘CAUSE I’M MEXICAN, SO I LIKE MEXICANS. I GO DOWN THERE. AND I ESPECIALLY LIKE THE REAL DUSTY ONES… THE ONES THAT LOOK LIKE THEY JUST CRAWLED UNDER THE FENCE THOSE ARE MY FAVORITE. I GO, AND I GO, “GET IN THE CAR, GOD DAMN IT. iANDALE! iANDALE! COME ON. TRABAJAR. BIG JOB BIG HEAVY JOB.” I TAKE THEM HOME. I SOAK THEM IN THE TUB FOR A COUPLE HOURS…
T HROW THEM A COUPLE OF JACK IN THE BOX TACOS. THEY REALLY LIKE THAT BECAUSE THEY THINK THAT’S AMERICAN FOOD. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? AND I DON’T WHAT IT IS. I LIKE FOR THEM TO GET OUT, AND I LIKE FOR THEM TO PUT ON MY BIG PANTIES. YOU KNOW THE PANTIES GO ALL THE WAY UP HERE ON THEM YOU KNOW? AND THEN I PUT ON THAT BANDA MUSIC… YOU KNOW, DE TOTI DO, TOTI DO, QUE, QUE, QUE… THEN I SIT THERE. AND I SUCK ON HARD CANDIES, AND I THROW IT AT THEM I KNOW JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT, JUST TO DO IT. AND THEN THEY TRY SO HARD TO PICK ME UP YOU SHOULD SEE. THEY GIVE IT THE OLD MEXICAN COLLEGE TRY. YOU SHOULD SEE THEM YOU KNOW. AND THEY TOUCH ME IN THE RIGHT PLACES. IT’S LIKE, “HíJOLE, AY.” AY, I, OH, OKAY. OKAY, HíJOLE. AY, OKAY. CHICHONA, AY.” PERFECT. THEY ONLY GET ME ABOUT THAT FAR OFF THE GROUND, THOUGH YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW, I USED TO DO PHONE SEX. I KNOW YOU’RE GOING, “REALLY? REALLY?” YEAH, I DID. YOU’VE SEEN THOSE ADS THOSE GIRLS ON THE CABLE LATE AT NIGHT. “HI. CALL ME. IT’S ONLY $29.99 A MINUTE. CALL ME.” SO YOU’D GET ALL HORNY, AND YOU’D CALL IN. AND YOU’D GET ME. AND I’D BE LOOKING SEXY, OKAY. I’D HAVE MY LANE BRYANT NIGHTGOWN ON. OKAY, LANE GIANT. OKAY, LANE
GIANT. I’D HAVE A COUPLE CATS ON THE BED, ONE OF THOSE BIG SODAS, LIKE A BIG GULP YOU KNOW, BIG BURRITO ON THERE ONE OF THOSE HOT ONES. A GUY WOULD CALL UP. “HELLO. WHO’S THIS?” “HI. I’M AMBER.” “OH YHEA? YOU SOUND PRETTY GOOD. WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE?” “WELL, I’M ABOUT 5’6″. I HAVE STRAWBERRY-BLOND HAIR. I HAVE GREEN EYES. I WEIGH LIKE ABOUT 110 POUNDS.” OF COURSE, THAT’S MY RIGHT TIT. “UH-HUH YA? YOU SOUND HOT. ARE YOU HOT?” “OH, YEAH. I’M REALLY HOT.” ‘CAUSE I TOOK A BITE OF THE BURRITO. THAT CHILI KICKED IN, YOU KNOW. “OH, WOW, AMBER. I’M GETTING HORNY. ARE YOU GETTING WET?” “OH, YEAH. MY PSY IS SO WET.” IT’S ‘CAUSE I SPILLED THE BIG GULP ON ONE OF THE CATS. “AND I’M RUBBING IT, TOO.” “UH-HUH YA? OKAY, I’M READY. I’M READY TO GET IT ON. ARE YOU JUICY? ARE YOU READY?” “OH, YEAH, BABY. LISTEN.” SEE, YOU GUYS WILL GO HOME AND CALL EACH OTHER UP. AND I DON’T WANT ANY OF YOU GOING HOME AND JACKING OFF AND THINKING ABOUT ME TOMORROW EITHER, OKAY? “OOH, YEAH, MARILYN.” SOMETIMES THEY’D WANT
ME TO BE ASIAN. AND THEN I’D BE MIKO. “HI, I’M MIKO. I’M ABOUT 4’9″ TALL. I WEIGH ABOUT
80 POUND. I DON’T HAVE VERY BIG BREASTS, BUT I HAVE BIG NPLS. IF YOU LIKE SUSHI… YOU GONNA LOVE MIKO. MIKO LOVE TO SCKY-FKY.” AND I LOVE YOU GUYS, TOO. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. MARILYN MARTINEZ! DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME? GIVE IT UP AGAIN FOR THE LATIN
DIVAS OF COMEDY! COME ON. MAKE SOME NOISE WITH US. DANCE WITH US. BRING THEM BACK. ADAAMICK GIVE IT UP FOR ADAAMICK, AND QUETZAL GUERRERO. UNA VEZ MáS. WE’RE GONNA BRING THEM OUT RIGHT
NOW. MAKE THEM FEEL WELCOME. MS. SANDRA VALLS… SARA CONTRERAS… MONIQUE MARVEZ… AND MARILYN MARTINEZ. THESE ARE YOUR LATIN DIVAS.

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  1. All of these beautiful ladies were hilarious. Thank you for another great upload. 1:20:26 , 1:23:49 😆 RIP Marilyn

  2. These women are amazing,I did not stop laughing.they each bought a diffrent quality.i have shared this with my friends.i am British, but I love Latino women,they have a brilliant energy.thankyou for this.

  3. Some men are narcissists and they fight all the time take it from me I'm going to go to weaken and I am the nicest Puerto Rican in the world and let me tell you something good family everything that I can have everything I gave him but he was a narcissist fight because I left the water running fight because I left a company refrigerator fight because for answering his question mini was constantly bottle cancer battle cancer battle can we I learned that so much now that I found a wonderful caring loving person Daddy doesn't fight I text him he doesn't fight and that's what I was looking for now he has one that doesn't fight but you see the one he has I love you girls it's so funny and I'm Puerto Rican phone Fajardo in the house now the one he has is just a dummy sit down Carol get up Carol go take a s*** C-Town walk turn on the camera no don't turn on the TV stay quiet that's the kind of person he has now and he's so happy because he's a narcissist and I hope you guys bring that up because you guys think guys just want to be happy be happy you got to get this s*** together girlfriends they are a lot of psychic out there Cycles thank you very much for making me laugh and try it again around this time turn it around it's going to get good like the world's perfect and like man is perfect and that proved that poor girl sitting.
    July first thing I want to do when you come home from work is fine when you leave is fight it's tight when is Thanksgiving is paper Christmas Day by Narcissus you've been married three times you should know talk about the other husbands why do you keep picking on the crowd and I'm not picking on you I love you girls you make me funny so funny I peed myself but hey turn it around you'll see how funny you get Daniel hire me as your agent because if you mentioned that narcissist narcissistic

  4. R.I.P. Marilyn Martinez. Who were the two musicians? Never mind, I found their names, but I'd really like to know the actual song that Adaamick Mendoza sang? Never mind that too lol. I found it in the orning credits. It was so small, I missed it the first 20 times I saw it lol.

  5. 12:39 what did she say if you got that much bring the ham let's make a sandwich? I'm stupid don't judge me LOL Monique Marvez or The marvelous Monique Marvez I know where husbands happy I hope he likes science fiction LOL

  6. 26:01 I would love to see this woman in a Sci-Fi movie she just looks like it for or some movie where she's driving fast and getting attitude I would pay to see that movie even if it was a bad movie

  7. Beautiful eloquent hilarious ladies each one has her own style could not have look for anything further to cheer me up tonight😁

  8. “If this guy fell down, he’d start eatin’ grass…”
    26:20
    Extraordinary!
    Thank you!!
    😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

  9. Oh that's sad… Marilyn Martinez died age 52 in 2007…. 🙁 She was so funny !!! All of these Lovely & Loquacious Latina Ladies ROCK, MAN ! ! ! ! ! ! That was GREAT ! ! !! ! I shared it w/ALL MIS AMIGOS for Valentines Days! ! ! Nice to see ladies rockin' the mic like that, wow what an inspiration! ! ! My experience in comedy is that men usually kinda ruin the experience… ! They're SOOOO competitive & SOOOOO insecure about themselves & their material that they can't be supportive of others if their fn LIFE depended on it !! ! ! ONly met a few male comics that weren't total jerks in real life

  10. November 3rd 2007 Marilyn Martinez dies from Colin cancer she was diagnosed about 8 months before. She passed 14 years ago and this is the first time I’m seeing ber

  11. So sad she's gone because she was funny as hell! But my homegirl I love the hell out of that Latina girl she be like this all the time and her four daughters she be grilling them and schooling them and man I'd be rolling but that's true about Latina women they're beautiful powerful a great women I love my homegirl love hanging out with her

  12. Monique Marvez is so awesome! ♥️🔥
    Sandra Valls is the best man 😂
    I seriously didn’t even know there were other adults who collect toys.

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