Welcome to Limmy’s Show! Imagine you were brilliant at
everything. 180! You were the fastest. A marathon in just over
an hour, it’s unheard of! The strongest. Oh, he’s just showing off
now. The cleverest. Argh! Quite right! Quite right! You’re just brilliant
at every single thing
you put your mind to. Is it going to be
Scotland 10, Brazil 0? Imagine it. It is. Imagine you were absolutely
brilliant at everything. [crowd boos] Be brilliant, wouldn’t it? [crowd continues
to jeer and boo] [“Living On My Own”] Pardon! If you want one,
get one. No, can’t justify spending
30, 40 quid a month
on something I hardly use. Watch. Look at this idiot.
It’s a one way street. ♪ Wrong way
Down a one way street ♪ Aye, so, 30, 40… What’s up? -What was that?
-What was what? That song. What song?
Oh, right, that. Don’t know.
Just a wee song I made up. -You made that up?
-Aye. That’s beautiful. Stay tuned, folks.
This could get interesting. Hello. My name’s Raymond Day.
Welcome to Paraside. OK. Let’s see
where the spirit takes us. OK. Can someone understand,
please? I have here someone
on spirit who wishes to connect with
a lady who is with a man that had to be
dragged along here today. -Yeah.
-You understand this? It could be my mum. It could be Mum. OK.
So, who’s this?
Is this partner? Brother? -Yeah, my fiancé.
-Your fiancé? Oh, lucky man. OK, good, because
Mum’s telling me now that when she was on
this side of life she really took a shine
to fiancé. She really liked him.
And that she likes him
no more. Wonder what this is about.
She’s telling me that since
passing to spirit she’s seen a cheeky side to
fiancé that he keeps hidden
from you, darling. Like, do you remember
the time you thought you could smell
Mum’s perfume in the car? -Yeah, maybe.
-OK. That wasn’t Mum. [gasps] OK. Do you understand this?
She’s gonna get him into
trouble, isn’t she? He’s a total effing c. He’s a total effing…
That’s her words, not mine. A total effing c,
that one. And…
And that’s her leaving now. And she’s just saying,
“Get the test. Get the test. Effing c.
Eff… Total effing c.” I’ll leave her love
with you, OK. Thank you. [applause] [music plays] That’s funny.
Looks like pish. [sniffs] Smells like pish. [spits] So… -[dance music plays]
-Yeahh! [woman] Check the state of
him, man! [man] That old guy’s
off his nut. Yeahh, ha, ha. [man] Oh, my God! That’s my
dad. Dad, slow down!
Your heart! Your heart! Don’t stop me, son.
I’m having the time
of my life. Yeahh! [keyboard clacks] [fly buzzes] [buzzing stops,
phone rings] All right, Johnny boy.
How’s it going, my man? What’s that? Go out
for a drink? Aye, why not?
See you in a bit. [repeated buzzing] [footsteps approach] Now, where was I? [buzzing] [he cries out] [repeated zapping
and yelping] So, before you close
your laptop… [buzz of chatter] Get your finger
on that one. Got it? -Hold on.
you’re holding it down. [strums chord] -I think that’s me, aye.
-Aye. Right, everybody.
I think that’s me. [applause] Don’t.
You’ll make me nervous. Don’t be.
We’re all here to see you. We all love you. Right. This is something
I came up with last week. It was Des’s idea to get you
all round, so if you
don’t like it, blame him. [laughter] And it goes a little
something like… this. ♪ Wrong way
Down a one way street ♪ [sighs] That’s my boy! You’re right.
It is beautiful. Your father
would be proud. He’s gonna be huge. [he whimpers] [eerie music] Thank you for joining us. My
name is Larry Forsyth and
with me is Dr Stewart. This week, Dr Stewart
will be administering me
with Vantage, a drug first used as early as
the 16th century
by witches as they believed
it gave them
the power of foresight. An hour and a half later
I was beginning to feel
definite effects. -Can you describe–
-Can you describe… …your thoughts and feelings
at this moment? -Yes, carry on.
-Well, can you?
-Well, can you? -Larry, could you–
-[both continue to talk
simultaneously] …if you can’t, we won’t be able to glean
any information about the
effects… At this point in the
experiment I had to be
I’ve foreseen this. [slap] All right, Limmy? -All right, Roddy.
How’s it going?
-Not bad, mate. What
have you been up to? Usual shit. Just, bit of
work, watching the telly and
that. What about you? Pretty much the same.
Oh, me and Angie have got a
wean, now. A wee lassie. And we’ve got a flat in
Shawlands. D’you not hang
about Shawlands any more? No, I got a bit sick of
seeing the same old faces.
That was a sore hit you gave. Aye! I know what you mean
about getting sick of it. Me and Angie love it there,
but we’re not getting out as
much now the wean’s here. Oh, you’ve got a wean?
Congratulations. You not hear me?
Are you deaf? No, it’s just
when you slapped us
I couldn’t concentrate. A wee lassie. Becky.
She’s calmed me right down. -Who’d have thought it?
-Aye, I know. Well, listen.
I’ll let you get on. -Good to see you, my man.
-Good to see you and all.
-See you later. See you. Sorry. I don’t mean
to dampen the mood, but that is seriously
gonna do my nut in
for the rest of the show. All right. Here are your
choices. You can either
restart or postpone. Take your pick. Are… Are you gonna restart?
Are you sure? Are you sure? What about the
work you’ve still got open?
Are you sure? Yeah, that’s it.
Just think about this.
Take a moment. I see. You’re gonna go for
postpone. That’s very wise.
Gives you more time. How long for? Now
this one really is up to you. Ten minutes,
one hour, three hours? No, don’t go for ten minutes,
go for three hours. If it turns out to be too
long, you can always go back
and restart. If you’re thinking of three
hours, go ahead and click it. Good choice. [alarm beeps] All right? D’you want to know
why I’m smiling? All right. Come here and I’ll
let you in on a wee secret. Just bought myself
a new pair of socks. Not just
any kind of socks. Not the kind you buy in a
pack of five for a couple of
quid. I’m talking about the kind of
socks that make you go like
that. “Pfft! I’m not paying that
for a pair of socks!” Expensive pair. Good pair. Look. What are you looking
so happy about? Nothing. Just happy. [scoffs] -[dance music plays]
-Yeahh! [man] Gonna somebody
stop my dad from dancing. He’s got something
wrong with this heart! Don’t come near me, son.
Just let me go out like this. -But Dad,
you’re all I’ve got.
-I miss her, son. [indistinct conversation] [they continue to laugh
and chat] I wanna show you something. Whoaagh! [laughter] You like this? Aye. Made me smile. You want this for you? Aye. I give you good price. In there. Nay! You forget something. Now, go. Have good time. [cheerful music plays] Now, go. Tell your friends
I give good smile. 3-D tellies, uh? You buy it, you bring it
home, you plug it in. You can hardly wait to watch
all that glorious– [muffled voice above]
Where is it? Stop. My neighbour’s
at it again. Stop. [muffled voices continue]
you fucking alcoholic? -Where’s my bottle?
-What fucking bottle? The bottle I left
in the fridge. You drank it
about half an hour ago. Can you not remember,
you fucking alcoholic? I’m not an alcoholic. -Aye, you are.
-There it is there. You’re drinking it.
That’s my bottle! That’s not your bottle.
That’s my bottle. You don’t even buy wine.
You don’t even buy wine. You’re a stupid cow. Who are you calling a cow? -You.
-Shut up, the pair of you. -Dad, did you buy wine?
-Alkie bastard. No. Don’t. Don’t… Dad, did you buy wine? No. -Right. 3-D tellies–
-Oh, f…! Cow! -Cow!
-Dad, gonna not! Stop! -Your ma’s a cow.
-Gonna not. Who are you calling a cow? -Do you want your bottle?
-No, don’t! [smashing of glass] -There’s your bottle!
-You’ve cut him! -I’m gonna kill her.
-He’s bleeding. -I’m gonna kill her!
-Don’t move, Dad. -I’m gonna kill her.
He’s gonna kill me. -Don’t you leave me.
he’s gonna kill me. -Do you think I should
-[fight continues upstairs] -Hold him down!
-I’m gonna kill you! -Fuck you, you bastard.
-Don’t! -Take that, you alcoholic.
-You’re killing him. [glass smashing, he groans] Die, you fucking bastard.
Die! -You’ve killed him!
-You’ve killed my dad. Finally. Forget it! [chuckles] Ah, sorry, mate.
That’s mine. -Did you just find that
-Aye. -Ah, sorry, mate.
-Oh, sorry. No, it’s cool. You keep it. I don’t want it. Yet! That’s us here, mate.
That’ll be £9.60. I’m sorry, mate.
I don’t have any money. You’d better! Here. You keep it. For now! [fairground music plays] Don’t worry about it. This time! That’s £9.85, please. Ha! Stop it. I don’t want it!
Take it. Just take it. -Please!
-Here, mate. You dropped a tenner. [wails] I’ll never stop. Ever. So, if you find a tenner,
or a twenty, or
even just a fiver, you pick it up,
you keep hold of it. When you next see me,
you give us it back! No! -Don’t end up like him.
-[wails] I love these socks. They’re like the best socks
I’ve ever had in my life. Expensive. Very expensive. But, well worth it. Best socks ever, man. [man] Hold him. Somebody hold
him. You’ve got to
stop him from dancing! Got off me!
Leave me! Yeahh! Dad, don’t. Please!
Your heart. -I miss your ma, son.
I miss her too much.
-Dad, don’t leave me. I’m coming to get you, hen.
Yeahh! Yeahh! So… tell me
why you’re here. I’ve, er, written a bit of a
song and I think you might be
interested– -A bit of a song?
-Not a whole song? No. -Not an album of songs?
Just a bit of a song? Aye. But I’ve been told it’s
My friends and family– -Who was it gave you
-Your assistant. I sang it down the phone
to him and he said… Yeah, that would be Malcolm.
I’ll have to
have a word with him. You seem like a nice guy,
but I’m gonna be blunt. I want you to leave. All right, no bother. Thanks
for… taking a moment… -What was that?
-It’s beautiful. Thanks a lot, mate. You’re right.
It is beautiful. -What would you know?
-That’s my boy. Oh, shut up,
you old cow. Your father
would be proud. I’m sorry, Dad. -Your father would be proud.
-I’m sorry. ♪ Wrong way
Down a one way street ♪ Star! [sobs] Yay! Introducing Limmy
and his sensational
number one debut smash, “Wrong Way
Down A One Way Street”. ♪ Wrong way
Down a one way street ♪ Includes HD video content of
the live Glasgow Scala
session… ♪ Wrong way
Down a one way street ♪
-[crowd cheers] …as well as the Limmy and
Jimmy charity duet with Jimmy
Somerville. ♪ Wrong way
Down a one way street ♪ Available on CD
and download now. Yay! Sorry for interrupting the
show, but honestly,
that was… I don’t know how sore that
looked to you, but it was
really… I’ve never had to use
one of these before. Can you believe it? It’s not
right, just running up to
somebody and… No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no! [winces] Fuckin’… I was up watching
the teletext. Mad with it. Just playing daft quizzes and
checking out the weather. And then I stumbles onto
their jobs search thing. All these jobs
nobody wants to do, like cleaning up
people’s shit after them
for pure pish money. But I was out of my face and
taking my fancy. One of them was
for something like “Do you want to help out in
you community?” and that. “We’ll train you up, show you
new skills. You’ll be helping
out the old ones. Helping out the young ones.
Most of all, you’ll be
helping out yourself.” Let’s do it. So, I leave them a message. Hello, my name’s Derek Durie.
I’m phoning about the job. Pure rabbits on for ages
cos my head’s mangled. I’ve never had a job before, but I think this might be the
thing to get us out of
first gear. I ended up having to leave
about 20 messages cos
my time kept running out. Aye. Hello, it’s Derek
again… Until I conks out. -Ten hours later, middle of
the afternoon, phone goes.
-[ringtone] [beep] Hello? -“Hi. Can I speak to
Derek Durie, please?”
-Aye, speaking. “Oh, hi, Derek. My name’s
Jessica. We just heard your
message, or messages and you sound wonderful.
You’re just what we’re after.
Very enthusiastic. Would you be able to come in
for an interview?
It’s just a formality. They’ve pretty much decided
they would love to get you
started right away.” Who is this? “Oh, sorry. This is
Jessica, from Restart. You phoned about the job.” Oh, right. Sorry.
Not interested. “I see. If it’s the interview
that’s putting you off, you’ve got nothing
to worry about. You’ll definitely get
the job.” No. I’m not interested. “But you seemed so
enthusiastic on the phone. Derek, if you’re feeling
nervous about getting
into work, I can completely understand. We always give people time to
adjust and before too long,
you won’t look back. Derek, please say yes.” Not interested. “Well, that’s a shame. Bye for now, but if
you change your mind,
give us a call.” -Right.
-[beep] Just wasn’t interested. Psst. Come here. Bottles of water. Right?
Water. 55 pence. 79 pence.
A couple of quid. It’s not much, but it
all adds up, doesn’t it? Right, now. Come here. Come here. Are you watching this? Keep
your eyes on this bit here,
right? Water. Pure water.
Any time I want it, day
or night. Free of charge. And it tastes just like every
other kind of water out
there. It tastes… …of fuck all. Cheers! Cut! -It’s not real, is it?
-Aye. -It’s not real water,
-Aye. Taste it. -How much did that cost you?
-Nothing. -Where do you get it from?
-When we moved in.
They left it. You’ve got to try this.
Is it all right
if I let them…? -Tastes of absolutely
-That’s water. -That one tastes the same as
-They’re all brilliant. -You have a shot at that one.
-That is absolutely
beautiful. Try that. That’s gorgeous.
Try it out of the bowl. [slurps] Water! -Cheers!
-Can I bring my
mates round? Right. That’s enough!
I won’t tell you again! -That’s enough!
-Behave yourself! [gentle music] Hey! Ho, get away from the motor!
Go on. Hey. Hey! Get away from the motor, the
lot of you! Stop tormenting
the dog! Hey! I’m warning you! See if I
have to come down there! Stop
tormenting the dog. Hold on! That’s not my motor.
That’s my… Hey! Get away from the motor.
Stop tormenting the dog. Ho! [vocoder]
♪ Wrong way
Down a one way street ♪ Here we, here we,
Here we fucking go! Here we, here we,
Here we fucking go. [clears throat] The number 9 isn’t 10. The number 11
isn’t 10. Although these two numbers
are almost 10,
they can never be 10. They are… untenable! You can add 1 to 9
to make it 10, but it would no longer
be 9. It would be 10.
Same with 11. Well, 9 is 9 and 11 is 11.
They are… untenable. Their positions are
untenable. Numbers should therefore
be as follows. …13, 14, et cetera. No, they shouldn’t, because
all these numbers bar one is
untenable. And that’s the number 10.
The only number should be
10. No more, no less. Let me give you
a real-world example. People are born with
10 fingers. That’s because we know deep
down, before we’re even born, that 10 should be the only
number. Some people are born with
less than 10 fingers. That’s because these fingers
and they had to go. [laughter and merriment] [gurgles] This… This is so wrong! If this is wrong, I don’t
ever want to be right. Cheers! -She’s either in this one or
the next one up, maybe.
-[sat nav] “Turn left.” -I’m not sure about that.
-Aye, neither am I. I don’t think
we’re anywhere near her. I’m sure to get there you… [Limmy on sat nav]
♪ Wrong way
Down a one way street ♪ Gonna switch that off or
uninstall it or something.
I’m sick of it! I can’t. It’s hard-wired in.
It’s some stupid thing. -[sat nav continues]
-Aargh! There. It’s off.
And now we’re lost. [television playing] [slap] [maniacally]
All right, Roddy! Limmy! How did you get in? [repeated slaps] [groans and cries out] That’s better! Well,
ladies and gentlemen. That’s the end of the show.
Hope you enjoyed it.
See you later. [slapping resumes] Ahh! Argh. Ha-ha! Aargh!