Mark Lowry – The Home Depot/An Atheist’s Faith/Mary Raising Jesus (Comedy/Live)


ISN’T IT GOOD TO BE FREE? [cheering]
WE ARE SO BLESSED. GLORIA GAITHER WROTE THAT LYRIC. STAND UP, GLORIA. SHE IS ONE OF MY HEROES. PLEASE STAND UP. I LOVE HER. TELL YOU WHAT. THE PAST 13 YEARS TRAVELING WITH
THE VOCAL BAND, THE BEST THING ABOUT IT HAS BEEN BREAKFAST WITH
GLORIA. SHE HAS TAKEN MY BRAIN AND
SHREDDED IT IN SO MANY DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. THAT IS ONE OF THE MOST
BRILLIANT HUMAN BEINGS YOU’LL EVER KNOW AND ONE OF THE
GODLIEST WOMEN I’VE EVER KNOWN IN MY LIFE. AND I LOVE YOU, GLORIA. I LOVE YOU, AND I’M GLAD YOU’RE
HERE. I’VE BEEN WITH THE VOCAL BAND
FOR–I NEED SOME WATER. I NEED–HOLD ON, HOLD ON. THIS IS NO JOKE. OH, THAT’S A LITTLE LORD’S
SUPPER CUP OF WATER RIGHT THERE. WE COULD HAVE A PRESBYTERIAN
BAPTISM WITH THAT WATER. BAPTIZE THE WHOLE FRONT ROW. THAT IS WHAT YOU CALL A BUDGET. BEEN WITH THEM 13 YEARS. BUT EIGHT YEARS OF IT I’VE BEEN
IN NASHVILLE. ACTUALLY, THE FIRST–8, 9, 10,
11, 12–5 YEARS– I’M A COLLEGE GRADUATE. I WAS LIVING IN ATLANTA,
AND THEN BILL CALLED ME AND SAID, “MARK, YOU NEED TO MOVE TO
NASHVILLE, ‘CAUSE IT WOULD REALLY MAKE IT MORE CONVENIENT
FOR ME.” AND I THOUGHT, “WELL, BILL,
THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO DO: MAKE IT CONVENIENT FOR YOU.” AND I MOVED TO NASHVILLE, AND I
MOVED INTO A HIGH-RISE, ‘CAUSE I HAD ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVE IN ONE
EVER SINCE I WAS A KID WHEN I USED TO WATCHTHE JEFFERSONS.DO YOU REMEMBER THAT SHOW? [laughter]
♪ WELL, WE’RE MOVIN’ ON UP ♪ ♪ TO THE EAST SIDE. ♪
REMEMBER THAT? ♪ TO THAT DELUXE APARTMENT ♪
♪ IN THE SKY. ♪ ♪ OKAY, THAT’S ENOUGH OF THAT. YOU KNOW, THAT’S THE A.D.D. VERSION OF THAT SONG. THAT’S ALL YOU NEED. YOU GOT A.D.D.? JUST A SNIPPET. BUT I LIVED THERE FOR ABOUT FIVE
MONTHS, AND THEN I REALIZED IN THIS HIGH-RISE THERE WAS ONLY
FIVE FLOORS. BUT IT’S HIGH ENOUGH. AND I LIVED THERE FOR ABOUT FIVE
MONTHS, AND I REALIZED THAT I AM IN A NURSING HOME. I MEAN, EVERY–IT WAS JUST–
AND THEY’RE SWEET, BUT BENGAY WAS IN THE AIR EVERY NIGHT. [laughter]
AND SO I FINALLY GOT ME A HOUSE. I WANTED TO GET ME A HOUSE LIKE
THE OLDDICK VAN DYKE SHOW.IT’S ALL ONE FLOOR. I WAS TIRED OF THE ELEVATOR. I WAS TIRED OF, YOU KNOW,
CLIMBING UP STEPS WHEN THE ELEVATOR WAS BROKEN, SO I GOT ME
A HOUSE ALL ONE FLOOR. IT’S GOT A LITTLE GARAGE. A COUPLE OF STEPS, YOU’RE INSIDE
THE HOUSE. NO BIG DEAL, YOU KNOW? I LOVE IT–REALLY COOL HOUSE. BUT THE PROBLEM IS, WHEN YOU ARE
IN A HIGH-RISE, YOU HAVE A MAINTENANCE MAN. WHEN YOU OWN THE HOME, YOU ARE
THE MAINTENANCE MAN. AND SO I HAD TO DISCOVER A LOT
OF THINGS ABOUT KEEPING UP A HOUSE, WHICH HOME DEPOT CAME IN
HANDY FOR THAT. I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’VE GOT HOME
DEPOT UP HERE. DO Y’ALL HAVE HOME DEPOT?>>[all] YEAH.>>Mark: DON’T YOU LOVE IT?>>[all] YEAH.>>Mark: IS THAT NOT A MAN’S
HEAVEN? I THOUGHT–I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST
LIKE A HARDWARE STORE. I’D NEVER BEEN TO HOME DEPOT. I HAD NO REASON TO GO TO HOME
DEPOT, BUT I WENT THERE LOOKING FOR SOME PICTURE HANGERS FOR MY
NEW HOUSE. I WAS GOING TO HANG SOME
PICTURES OF MY FAMILY, AND SO I WENT TO LOOK FOR THOSE HOOKS,
YOU KNOW, YOU STICK INTO THE WALL? I WALKED INTO HOME DEPOT. AND FIRST OF ALL, I NOTICED
THEIR CARTS AREN’T LIKE KROGERS’. THEY’RE BIG. YOU COULD HOUSE MISSIONARIES ON
FURLOUGH IN THEIR CARTS. AND I WENT THERE LOOKING FOR
PICTURE HANGERS. I LEFT WITH A JACUZZI. EVERY AISLE I WENT DOWN WAS
SOMETHING ELSE I COULDN’T LIVE WITHOUT. I WAS DOWN TWO OR THREE AISLES,
AND MY CART WAS FULL. FINALLY I CAME ACROSS–ABOUT THE
THIRD OR FOURTH AISLE, I CAME ACROSS A WHOLE BIG BOX OF
THESE BLUE TOILET PLUNGERS. MY MOTHER ALWAYS HAD THE SUCTION
CUP KIND. YOU KNOW–YOU PROBABLY HAVE
THOSE. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT? BUT THESE ARE, LIKE, ALL ONE
PIECE AT HOME DEPOT: BLUE PLASTIC, AND THEY’VE GOT AN
ACCORDION END ON THEM. AND THEY’RE AMAZING. AND I BOUGHT TWO, ‘CAUSE I GOT
TWO TOILETS. DON’T YOU–
DON’T YOU HATE GOING TO SOMEONE’S HOUSE FOR DINNER AND
THEY’VE HID THE PLUNGER? [laughter]
I THINK THAT, REALLY– AND YOU GOTTA INTERRUPT A
SEVEN-COURSE MEAL. “EXCUSE ME, BUT WHERE’D Y’ALL
PARK YOUR PLUNGER?” AND THAT WATER’S RISING UP. IS THAT NOT PANIC IN YOUR HEART? I MEAN, ANY BATH–
I BECOME INSTANT CHARISMATIC ON THAT. “STOP!”
AT HOME DEPOT, THEY GOT THIS ONE-PIECE PLUNGER THAT IS
AMAZING. I WAS USING MINE THE OTHER DAY,
AND THE GUY THREE DOORS DOWN CALLED AND SAID, “THANKS. WHAT KIND OF PLUNGER WAS THAT?”
THIS BABY WORKS. AND ALSO, I GOT ME A–I GOT ME A
GAS GRILL, YOU KNOW, ‘CAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU GET A BACK PORCH LIKE
I’VE GOT NOW, GOT ME A GAS GRILL. GOT THE BIGGEST SUGAR MAPLE TREE
IN NASHVILLE HANGING OVER MY– AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT THE FORMER
OWNERS TOLD ME WHEN THEY WERE TRYING TO SELL THE DUMP. AND I GOT ME A GAS GRILL, AND I
GOT IT ALL SET UP, AND I INVITED SOME FRIENDS OVER, AND I WAS ALL
EXCITED TO HAVE THEM IN MY NEW HOUSE. INVITED NORMAN AND BRENDA, WHO’S
HERE TONIGHT, AND THEY INVITED SOME FRIENDS OF THEIRS THAT I
HAD NOT MET UNTIL THIS MOMENT IN TIME. AND WE HAD THE STEAKS. YOU KNOW, I GRILLED THE STEAKS
MYSELF. AND I FOUND OUT IF YOU GET A
CHEAP PIECE OF MEAT AND PUT ENOUGH GARLIC ON IT, IT’LL TASTE
LIKE A FILET MIGNON. [laughter]
SO I GRILLED THE STEAKS, AND NORMAN BROUGHT THE BAKED BEANS,
AND BRENDA BROUGHT SOME POTATO SALAD. AND SOMEBODY ELSE BROUGHT TEA,
AND WE WERE JUST HAVING A GOOD TIME. AND AFTERWARDS, WE WERE HAVING
COFFEE, YOU KNOW, LIKE ADULTS DO. AND WE WERE TALKING ABOUT
POLITICS, WHICH I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT; BUT IT’S NEVER STOPPED ME
FROM HAVING AN OPINION. AND WE WERE JUST SAYING THIS. AND I SAID, “YOU KNOW, I VOTE
THIS WAY, BECAUSE I’M A CHRISTIAN, AND I BELIEVE CERTAIN
THINGS THAT I WANT TO, YOU KNOW, SEE HAPPEN,” OR WHATEVER. AND NANCY, WHO WAS A FRIEND OF
BRENDA’S, SPOKE UP AND SAID, “WELL, I DON’T BELIEVE IN GOD,
AND I VOTE THE OPPOSITE OF YOU.” AND I DIDN’T CARE HOW SHE VOTED. ALL I HEARD WAS, “I DON’T
BELIEVE IN GOD.” I GOT SO EXCITED. I’D NEVER HAD ONE IN MY HOME
BEFORE. I WENT AROUND AND LOCKED ALL THE
DOORS. I SAID, “YOU’RE GOING TO BE HERE
AWHILE.” OH, WE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME. I STARTED TO EXPLAIN. I SAID, “YOU KNOW WHAT? I WOULD BE AN ATHEIST TOO IF I
HAD THAT MUCH FAITH. IT TAKES A LOT OF FAITH TO
BELIEVE ALL THE ORDER AROUND US EVOLVED FROM SOME GASEOUS BELCH
IN THE UNIVERSE 6 BILLION YEARS AGO.” YOU KNOW, ORDER NEVER COMES FROM
CHAOS UNLESS SOMEBODY PUTS IT TOGETHER. ALL THE ORDER IN THE UNIVERSE–
YOU KNOW, IF I TOOK MY WATCH APART, MY TIMEX INDIGLO–
I LOVE MY WATCH. I WAS UP ALL NIGHT LOOKING AT
THAT WATCH. ABOUT EVERY 15 MINUTES
I WAS CHECKING IT LAST NIGHT. BUT WHAT IF I TOOK IT OFF MY ARM
AND TOOK IT TOTALLY APART AND STUFFED THE PIECES IN A SACK,
AND THEN I SHOOK THE SACK FOR 6 BILLION YEARS? WHAT IF AFTER 6 BILLION YEARS–
WHAT WOULD BE THE CHANCES OF ME PULLING OUT A WATCH THAT’S
TICKING AND ON TIME? I DON’T EVEN HAVE ENOUGH FAITH
FOR THAT. I CERTAINLY DON’T HAVE ENOUGH
FAITH TO THINK THAT THIS COMPLICATED UNIVERSE AROUND
US–AND EVEN IN OUR BODIES, D.N.A. THEY’VE JUST IN THE LAST FEW
YEARS DISCOVERED D.N.A. I’VE HAD IT ALL ALONG. [laughter]
AND LOOK AT YOUR THUMBPRINT. EVERYBODY LOOK AT YOUR
THUMBPRINT RIGHT NOW. DID YOU KNOW THAT’S AN ORIGINAL? YOU ARE THUMBODY. THERE AIN’T ANOTHER ONE LIKE YOU
IN THE WORLD. I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH FAITH TO
BELIEVE ALL THE ORDER AROUND US CAME FROM CHAOS. AND ONCE YOU REALIZE YOU DON’T
HAVE ENOUGH FAITH TO BELIEVE THAT THERE ISN’T A GOD, YOU NEED
TO GO ON THE HUNT TO FIND OUT WHO THIS GOD IS. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? FOR US TO KNOW GOD, HE’D HAVE
HAD TO FIND US. IN THIS GREAT BIG UNIVERSE, HOW
ARE WE GOING TO FIND GOD? THE BEST WE CAN DO IS SEND A
TONKA TRUCK TO MARS. [laughter]
AND IT HIT A ROCK NAMED BARNEY, AND IT HADN’T BEEN HEARD FROM
SINCE. IN THIS GREAT, EVER-EXPANDING
UNIVERSE, HOW ARE WE GOING TO FIND GOD? HE FOUND US.>>AMEN.>>Mark: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? HE CAME THROUGH THE BACK DOOR. HE CAME THROUGH A VIRGIN GIRL. MY COLLEGE PROFESSOR SAID SHE
WAS 13 YEARS OF AGE. NOW, I DON’T KNOW WHERE HE GOT
THAT IN THE BIBLE, BUT I LEARNED A LOT OF THINGS IN BIBLE COLLEGE
I NEVER READ IN THE BIBLE. [laughter]
BUT WE DO KNOW THAT SHE WAS A VIRGIN MAIDEN AND SHE WAS YOUNG. NOW, I WOULDN’T HAVE COME–IF I
HAD BEEN GOD AND I WAS COMING TO EARTH, THAT’S NOT THE WAY I’D
HAVE COME. I’D HAVE HAD A BIG GOLDEN
STAIRCASE COMING OUT OF THE SKY. I’D HAVE HAD CHERUBIM SINGING
AND SERAPHIM SWINGING AND GABRIEL PLAYING A DIXIELAND
MELODY ON THAT TRUMPET. AND I’D LET ‘EM KNOW I’M COMING
TO EARTH. AND WHEN I GET HERE, I’M GOING
TO KICK SOME TAIL, ‘CAUSE I’M A BAPTIST. [laughter]
WELL, THAT’S NOT THE WAY GOD CAME. YOU KNOW WHO I FEEL SORRY FOR? THE PEOPLE THAT WERE IN THE
MOTEL WHILE GOD WAS BEING BORN IN THE BARN. JUST A FEW BARNYARD ANIMALS GOT
TO WITNESS THE ENTRANCE OF THE KING AND A VIRGIN MAIDEN AND HER
ESPOUSED, HER HUSBAND, JOSEPH. AND THEN SHE GOT TO GROW UP WITH
HIM. ISN’T THAT COOL? I MEAN, SHE GOT TO–
NOW, MY DAD–MY DAD’S HERE TONIGHT. MY DAD BELIEVES JESUS KNEW WHO
HE WAS THE SECOND HE WAS CONCEIVED. I DON’T. AND WHEN DADDY DOES HIS CONCERT,
HE CAN SAY WHAT HE WANTS. [laughter]
I SAID, “DADDY, IF JESUS KNEW WHO HE WAS THE SECOND HE WAS
CONCEIVED, THEN HE WAS FAKING ALL THOSE DIAPER CHANGES.”

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