>>Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS,
I SPEND SO MUCH TIME CHIPPING AWAY AT ALL THE HUGE ICEBERGS OF
NEWS, BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SCRAPE UP ALL THE LITTLE ICE
SHAVINGS, AND MIX THEM INTO MY FROZEN NEWS MARGARITA OF A
SEGMENT: “MEANWHILE!”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) “MEANWHILE!” IS BACK! WHEN IT’S NOT ON, THEY MISS IT. EVERYONE LOVES “MEANWHILE!”! MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW
SURVEY, “ONLINE SHOPPING WHILE DRUNK MAY BE WORTH BILLIONS TO
THE U.S. ECONOMY.” I’M SURE THAT’S TRUE. I HAPPEN TO HAVE PERSONAL
KNOWLEDGE THAT DRUNK SHOPPING HAS BEEN WORTH THOUSANDS TO THE
“GOLDEN GIRLS” BEACH TOWEL ETSY STORE. I CAN’T STOP! THERE’S A DIFFERENT TOWEL FOR
EVERY EPISODE! ACCORDING TO ONE REPORT, LAST
YEAR, “AMERICANS SPENT NEARLY $40 BILLION WHILE DRUNK,” AND “A
SHOCKING AMOUNT OF THAT WENT TO FOOD.” WHY IS THAT SHOCKING? WHAT WOULD BE SHOCKING IS IF
SOMEONE DRUNK-SAVED FOR THEIR KIDS’ FUTURE. (HUNG OVER)
“JESUS, HONEY, LAST NIGHT, I HIT THE BOOZE WITH DARYL, AND WE
ALLOCATED 6% OF OUR SAVINGS FOR A 529 COLLEGE FUND. WE WERE ANIMALS!”
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
ALSO AMONG THE MOST POPULAR ITEMS PURCHASED WHILE UNDER THE
INFLUENCE WERE “CLOTHING AND SHOES, WITH MOVIES AND GAMES AS
THE NEXT MOST POPULAR.” THE THIRD MOST POPULAR WAS,
“BLRJMM;KR I MISS BECKY.” ( LAUGHTER )
I DO, BECKY. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, WE ALL KNOW THERE ARE CRAZY, OUTDATED LAWS ON THE
BOOKS, BUT GOOD NEWS: “IT’S NOW LEGAL TO HAVE SEX BEFORE
MARRIAGE IN UTAH.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: YES, BRAVO. OKAY. SO, NOW YOU CAN HAVE SEX BEFORE
YOUR WEDDING, AND AFTER YOUR WEDDING. BUT BE ADVISED: IT’S STILL
CONSIDERED RUDE TO HAVE SEX DURING YOUR WEDDING. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, DETAILS ARE STARTING TO LEAK ABOUT THE “CATS” MOVIE. THE FIRST DETAIL? THERE’S GOING TO BE A “CATS”
MOVIE. ( LAUGHTER )
“CATS” IS A TOUGH ONE TO ADAPT. FOR ONE THING, IT’S FAMOUSLY
“VERY LIGHT ON NARRATIVE.” IT’S BASICALLY LIKE WATCHING AN
ACTUAL CAT. “OKAY, WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING AT
THE DOOR? DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT? THE DOOR’S OPEN. JUST GO! OKAY, NOW YOU’RE LICKING YOUR
BUTT. I CAN’T FOLLOW THE PLOT AT ALL.” ( LAUGHTER )
AND THIS THING IS GOING TO BE STAR-STUDDED. TO PLAY THE TITULAR CATS,
THEY’VE GOT “TAYLOR SWIFT, JUDI DENCH, AND IDRIS ELBA.” AND THE DIRECTOR WILL “USE
PERFORMANCE CAPTURE TO MAKE HIS ACTORS LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE REAL
FUR ON THEM.” SO, CONGRATULATIONS TO THE ONE
GUY WHOSE FETISH IS JUDI DENCH AS A FURRY. ( LAUGHTER )
YOUR PATIENCE HAS PAID OFF. THAT IS STILL VERY ATTRACTIVE. STILL VERY ATTRACTIVE. MEANWHILE, SPEAKING OF ANIMALS
DOING PEOPLE-STUFF, A HOTEL IN ENGLAND HAS STARTED OFFERING
“YOGA WITH LEMURS AS PARTNERS,” WHICH MIGHT BE FUN FOR THE
PEOPLE, BUT I HAVE BEEN IN THE EMOTIONAL STATE THIS LEMUR’S IN
RIGHT NOW. (AS LEMUR)
“OH, MY GOD, THIS IS BORING. I’M HERE BECAUSE MY WIFE WANTED
US TO DO THIS. SHE SAID THIS IS A RESORT. STOP PRETENDING YOU KNOW
SANSKRIT. JUST SAY, ‘DO A PUSH-UP.’
DON’T ASK ME ABOUT MY FLOW.” ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, “AMSTERDAM IS OPENING A 5D PORN CINEMA” WHICH “AIMS TO
PLEASE ALL THE FIVE SENSES.” ( LAUGHTER )
FINALLY, SOMETHING FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO WATCH PORN AND THINK,
“MMMM, I’D LOVE TO SMELL THAT.” ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE THEATER HAS A 3D SCREEN AS WELL AS “MOTION SEATS, AIR JETS
AND WATER CANNONS THAT ALL MOVE OR FIRE IN TIME WITH THE
ACTION.” HAVE NO DESIRE TO SEE THAT? TOO BAD. JIM?>>OH! ( LAUGHTER )
>>STEPHEN: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO SIMULATE? GETTING IT ON WHILE OFF-ROADING
THROUGH MUD PUDDLES IN A CONVERTIBLE JEEP? ACCORDING TO THE OWNERS, AFTER
THE EXPERIENCE, “YOU’RE LEFT ENERGIZED,” “YOU WANT TO GET
BACK OUT THERE, HAVE A BEER OR A COFFEE AND TALK, AND PROCESS
WHAT JUST HAPPENED.” ( LAUGHTER )
MAYBE TAKE A SHOWER, SQUIRT SOME PUREL IN YOUR EYES, BURN YOUR
CLOTHES… YOU KNOW, PROCESS. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, AN ITALIAN MANUFACTURER IS MAKING AN
ATTEMPT AT INTRODUCING “STAND-UP AIRPLANE SEATS.” HERE’S ONE OF THE FEW THINGS I
KNOW ABOUT SEATS: IF YOU’RE STANDING? NOT A SEAT. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO NEXT
YEAR’S INNOVATION IN CRAMMING MORE OF US ONTO AIRPLANES:
“THE PILE.” ( LAUGHTER )
NO BOARDING GROUPS, NO CLASSES. NO SEATBELTS. AFTER THAT, THEY’LL JUST ARRANGE
THE PASSENGERS INTO A HUMAN CENTI-PLANE. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
OH, YOU’D LIKE SOME HONEY-ROASTED PEANUTS? JUST WAIT. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU’LL DEFINITELY WANT TO BE IN FIRST CLASS. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SANDRA
OH.
1:35 lol
Yes, the conversation normal people have:
βHey, what did you think of the porn we just saw?β
It's always been legal to have premarital sex in Utah.
I nearly broke a rib at "BLRJMM;KR I MISS BECKY"
Meanwhile…. a few of #myfair #favorite @segments
Roasted Peanuts with honey, wait there is milk and strawberries too xD
Serious on Utah?!?! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
Weird to say this about the porn industry but… I don't think D means what they think it means.
3D means 3 dimensions, not senses. Height, width, and depth. The D doesn't change when you change the number.
this was particularly funny
Lesson is, if something can be commodified, the Dutch will be on it immediately π
I miss you too Stephen!!!
That human centiplane joke is just
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
I only drink when I shop….
How can they tell if someone is drunk shopping online through the internet that's weird
Top notch segment.
π "Human centi-plane!!" π€£
4:16–4:21 Looks like Wonka's boat ride.
…Is it raining? Is is snowing? Are the prostitutes a-hoing?
I don't think stand up seats would work. I barely have enough room over my head when I'm sitting
BECKY'S GOT BACK
By far, the best Meanwhile yet! π€£
Sam Chui made it to Colbert!
My body is ready
Standup seats on airplanes? That isn't going to fly.
Maybe the peanuts taste better after a few bowel movements, just like kopi luwak coffee
But everyone wanted
If you want to experience 5D porn just visit a brothel
3:40 for those who came from the thumbnail
2:45 "one guy" Oh you sweet summer child, let me introduce you to the internet.
Wow, the world is really getting messed up, we are failing as humans.π Porn is now normal……
taylor swift? why is this millennial trash included in this production… oh… because the world is trash, oh i forgot, my apologies.
How the fuck do they know I was drunk while shopping online?
How do they know folx are drunk?
I ABSOLUTELY asked for it
You ever get drunk at 3 am after the club and stumble down the street to the local schwarma shop, and just kinda point until the Turkish guy loads some lamb and sauce and onions into a pita and then just shove a sweaty $5 into his hand and stumble back to your apartment covered in garlic sauce
be a man
Everyone's thinking at the water cannons in cinema
MEANWHILE
I'm wondering what airjets are for…
surprisingly sensuous video clip, i am sick and having very much sexy
I'm a monster and been off work too long. Porn has gotten so boring that I often wish to smell and taste that…
Uncle Ass Backwards is hard to know here in Florida. Its very strange here in Tampa Florida God help me. Hiding out. With. Yet another relative from Rosie s family. Meanwhile… Gotta what watch what say. Very touchy guy. Someday I'll tell you of his Hollywood special skills.
Hey I see what you did there bro. My pleasure. They love it!
Dorathi Catalan
Goodness grace 5D porn. π€£π€£π€£
Utah is very Mormon so that is probably why there was a law about sec before marriage.
I regret everything
We laugh about it now, but in time those 'stand-up seats' might even look comfy compared to whatever comes out of the deranged minds of airline companies executives.
I am wondering whether Stephen, or his Writers decided it was good to make a Human Centipede joke. #justsayin'
You can't call immorality progress
Itβs good to see non policial stuff again.
Lady Dentch is a treasure. Sadly, she's no longer the sexy movie star she once was Stephan… Now, she's a mature adult and still an amazingly talented as well as a lovely human being. π
AND HERE COMES THE FACIAL!!
Everyone gets squirted with water. How lovely.
Wow 5d porn no thanks…
We are yanggang. I m a yangsta for life. It is both a campaign and movement. It is a voice or we are a voice that needs to be heard not only in the USA but world wide. Lets spread the word.
Isnt 5d porn just sex? Wth people
Believe me Stephen I asked … I asked
@samchui
Honestly I can't believe how much sex talk Colbert gets away with from the FCC, but I am so happy he does! Hahaha these stories are incredible!
stand up airplane seats would save me so much money as a person who has to purchase extra leg room
Love you, Colbert, but your intro to the βMeanwhileβ segment is a blatant ripoff of Lewis Black. You know this.
1:30 haha
Porn smells like vomit and suicide.
Goddangit, Stephen!! You do NOT throw human centipede upon unsuspecting spectators!! It's the one thing I truly wish I had never gained knowledge of, and would gladly Eternal Sunshine off of my mind, just to make sure it could never be the last thought in my mind as I leave this existence one day. Geez… how many blissfully ignorant minds who've managed to avoid it were ruined by this….
This was weak. Very forced and unfunny alot
Stand up seats? Eli Roth will make a movie about it:
βHostel 7 – Sit down!β
The Centi-Plane should get unneccessary plain journeys down so Centi-Plane is good for fighting carbon emissions?
WTF. Mabye Buerough of Indian Affairs will catch up with the reservations. No sex before marriage. Where did that legal joke come from? No separation of Church and State stating there is separation.
5 senses porn. Still not over coming women whom can't have orgasms. Orgasm displacement.
What a deal.
Behind door number one…..
still nothing.
Door number two…..
Still illegal in NYS since 1800's.
Nice Kali joke home slice.
Next.
The Love.
J.
Maybe FEMA can combo move the FEMA cattle cars noted in public documentation with shackles at waist level, Kali pile standing room only, and the NAZI prison camp twist, FEMA cattle car burn off the swamp gas lighting cattle car wash and waxing.
Weren't expecting that one were you.
The guy inventing "stand up seats" should be stopped. Don't encourage the airlines like that.
Standup seats would only work if itβs a kneeling seat.
I love meanwhile!!! So please never stop it!π
what about taste…….. nevermind 4D porn cinema sounds much better
4:57 American airlines: Go on, we're listening.
It was illegal to have sex before marriage in Utah?? What century are they in? π€¨
Look, Utah made it to 1800!
Whoa..
Was this episode aired on some Christian festivities?
Then why's the word "Jesus" semi-censured? Don't Catholics actually offer π· in His honour? π€
These peanuts are really salty can I get something to drink
The visual of an adult film shooting jets of water and air at you is too much. When you leave the theater you're dripping wet and your hair is all messed up.
Let's get some coffee and digest what just happened
Utah had a law against sex before marriage? Why? Utah the Separation of Church and State doesn't exist here
Last time I got drunk I bought 2 shares of Starbucks…
Sam Chui
Lemme get that end credits theme tho…
I was about to be surprised that Utah finally made premarital sex legal, then I remembered itβs Utah.
And yet the front row of the airplane will STILL have the most leg room
My brother patented the idea in 1982!
Inventing a stand up plane seat, that's like asking people to send you death threats.
Iβm here from the future… The Cats Movie…yikes
cats….movie? i have so many questions lol
Dimensions? Senses? Same difference.
"You know… Process"
Love this skit. Its sad this is the only outlet for news in the USA thats not about politics
OMG Idris Elba π
That standing 'seat' is hilarious. Don't even. Seriously. Actually don't.
Me from the future and this cats movie is terrible god has left us
Meanwhile… the legal age to GET married in Utah is still 12.
There are no such things as free facts in the world. If people had a grip on the billions of books in the world it would be a better and safer place. If you couple a lack of fact substantiation with drug use, then there are more delusional and hysterical people. What else could I say about crime and accidents? Studying takes substantial time and technique. A lack facts will, thus, lead to declining health and loss of control. Have a little respect for the informed. If information leads to fashion, then it is written in the fashion and etiquette manuals not dictated by Hollywood characters. Who has time for a constant formal presentation, though? I'm not going to get into the dangers of chemically engineered products or restaraunt grade food but maybe you can find your way there in the metals and alchemy? Good luck, schmucks!
I've gotten hammered before and felt that transferring my rent money to my locked in retirement account was smart.
How does Amazon know you're drunk? I don't ever remember filling out that survey.
Why did they have to bleep out him saying Jesus, actually concerned why does anybody have an answer?
I think butt jokes are gross.
That Italian inventor needs to be beaten with an aluminum bat, like now. Fuck that guy.
I love Meanwhile.
I've walked into a hotel room by mistake just after my roommate got jiggy. The smell was… awful. No thanks.