Meanwhile… The 5D Porn Cinema No One Asked For

Meanwhile… The 5D Porn Cinema No One Asked For


>>Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS,
I SPEND SO MUCH TIME CHIPPING AWAY AT ALL THE HUGE ICEBERGS OF
NEWS, BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SCRAPE UP ALL THE LITTLE ICE
SHAVINGS, AND MIX THEM INTO MY FROZEN NEWS MARGARITA OF A
SEGMENT: “MEANWHILE!”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) “MEANWHILE!” IS BACK! WHEN IT’S NOT ON, THEY MISS IT. EVERYONE LOVES “MEANWHILE!”! MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW
SURVEY, “ONLINE SHOPPING WHILE DRUNK MAY BE WORTH BILLIONS TO
THE U.S. ECONOMY.” I’M SURE THAT’S TRUE. I HAPPEN TO HAVE PERSONAL
KNOWLEDGE THAT DRUNK SHOPPING HAS BEEN WORTH THOUSANDS TO THE
“GOLDEN GIRLS” BEACH TOWEL ETSY STORE. I CAN’T STOP! THERE’S A DIFFERENT TOWEL FOR
EVERY EPISODE! ACCORDING TO ONE REPORT, LAST
YEAR, “AMERICANS SPENT NEARLY $40 BILLION WHILE DRUNK,” AND “A
SHOCKING AMOUNT OF THAT WENT TO FOOD.” WHY IS THAT SHOCKING? WHAT WOULD BE SHOCKING IS IF
SOMEONE DRUNK-SAVED FOR THEIR KIDS’ FUTURE. (HUNG OVER)
“JESUS, HONEY, LAST NIGHT, I HIT THE BOOZE WITH DARYL, AND WE
ALLOCATED 6% OF OUR SAVINGS FOR A 529 COLLEGE FUND. WE WERE ANIMALS!”
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
ALSO AMONG THE MOST POPULAR ITEMS PURCHASED WHILE UNDER THE
INFLUENCE WERE “CLOTHING AND SHOES, WITH MOVIES AND GAMES AS
THE NEXT MOST POPULAR.” THE THIRD MOST POPULAR WAS,
“BLRJMM;KR I MISS BECKY.” ( LAUGHTER )
I DO, BECKY. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, WE ALL KNOW THERE ARE CRAZY, OUTDATED LAWS ON THE
BOOKS, BUT GOOD NEWS: “IT’S NOW LEGAL TO HAVE SEX BEFORE
MARRIAGE IN UTAH.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: YES, BRAVO. OKAY. SO, NOW YOU CAN HAVE SEX BEFORE
YOUR WEDDING, AND AFTER YOUR WEDDING. BUT BE ADVISED: IT’S STILL
CONSIDERED RUDE TO HAVE SEX DURING YOUR WEDDING. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, DETAILS ARE STARTING TO LEAK ABOUT THE “CATS” MOVIE. THE FIRST DETAIL? THERE’S GOING TO BE A “CATS”
MOVIE. ( LAUGHTER )
“CATS” IS A TOUGH ONE TO ADAPT. FOR ONE THING, IT’S FAMOUSLY
“VERY LIGHT ON NARRATIVE.” IT’S BASICALLY LIKE WATCHING AN
ACTUAL CAT. “OKAY, WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING AT
THE DOOR? DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT? THE DOOR’S OPEN. JUST GO! OKAY, NOW YOU’RE LICKING YOUR
BUTT. I CAN’T FOLLOW THE PLOT AT ALL.” ( LAUGHTER )
AND THIS THING IS GOING TO BE STAR-STUDDED. TO PLAY THE TITULAR CATS,
THEY’VE GOT “TAYLOR SWIFT, JUDI DENCH, AND IDRIS ELBA.” AND THE DIRECTOR WILL “USE
PERFORMANCE CAPTURE TO MAKE HIS ACTORS LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE REAL
FUR ON THEM.” SO, CONGRATULATIONS TO THE ONE
GUY WHOSE FETISH IS JUDI DENCH AS A FURRY. ( LAUGHTER )
YOUR PATIENCE HAS PAID OFF. THAT IS STILL VERY ATTRACTIVE. STILL VERY ATTRACTIVE. MEANWHILE, SPEAKING OF ANIMALS
DOING PEOPLE-STUFF, A HOTEL IN ENGLAND HAS STARTED OFFERING
“YOGA WITH LEMURS AS PARTNERS,” WHICH MIGHT BE FUN FOR THE
PEOPLE, BUT I HAVE BEEN IN THE EMOTIONAL STATE THIS LEMUR’S IN
RIGHT NOW. (AS LEMUR)
“OH, MY GOD, THIS IS BORING. I’M HERE BECAUSE MY WIFE WANTED
US TO DO THIS. SHE SAID THIS IS A RESORT. STOP PRETENDING YOU KNOW
SANSKRIT. JUST SAY, ‘DO A PUSH-UP.’
DON’T ASK ME ABOUT MY FLOW.” ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, “AMSTERDAM IS OPENING A 5D PORN CINEMA” WHICH “AIMS TO
PLEASE ALL THE FIVE SENSES.” ( LAUGHTER )
FINALLY, SOMETHING FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO WATCH PORN AND THINK,
“MMMM, I’D LOVE TO SMELL THAT.” ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE THEATER HAS A 3D SCREEN AS WELL AS “MOTION SEATS, AIR JETS
AND WATER CANNONS THAT ALL MOVE OR FIRE IN TIME WITH THE
ACTION.” HAVE NO DESIRE TO SEE THAT? TOO BAD. JIM?>>OH! ( LAUGHTER )
>>STEPHEN: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO SIMULATE? GETTING IT ON WHILE OFF-ROADING
THROUGH MUD PUDDLES IN A CONVERTIBLE JEEP? ACCORDING TO THE OWNERS, AFTER
THE EXPERIENCE, “YOU’RE LEFT ENERGIZED,” “YOU WANT TO GET
BACK OUT THERE, HAVE A BEER OR A COFFEE AND TALK, AND PROCESS
WHAT JUST HAPPENED.” ( LAUGHTER )
MAYBE TAKE A SHOWER, SQUIRT SOME PUREL IN YOUR EYES, BURN YOUR
CLOTHES… YOU KNOW, PROCESS. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, AN ITALIAN MANUFACTURER IS MAKING AN
ATTEMPT AT INTRODUCING “STAND-UP AIRPLANE SEATS.” HERE’S ONE OF THE FEW THINGS I
KNOW ABOUT SEATS: IF YOU’RE STANDING? NOT A SEAT. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO NEXT
YEAR’S INNOVATION IN CRAMMING MORE OF US ONTO AIRPLANES:
“THE PILE.” ( LAUGHTER )
NO BOARDING GROUPS, NO CLASSES. NO SEATBELTS. AFTER THAT, THEY’LL JUST ARRANGE
THE PASSENGERS INTO A HUMAN CENTI-PLANE. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
OH, YOU’D LIKE SOME HONEY-ROASTED PEANUTS? JUST WAIT. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU’LL DEFINITELY WANT TO BE IN FIRST CLASS. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SANDRA
OH.

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  1. Weird to say this about the porn industry but… I don't think D means what they think it means.
    3D means 3 dimensions, not senses. Height, width, and depth. The D doesn't change when you change the number.

  2. taylor swift? why is this millennial trash included in this production… oh… because the world is trash, oh i forgot, my apologies.

  3. You ever get drunk at 3 am after the club and stumble down the street to the local schwarma shop, and just kinda point until the Turkish guy loads some lamb and sauce and onions into a pita and then just shove a sweaty $5 into his hand and stumble back to your apartment covered in garlic sauce

  4. Uncle Ass Backwards is hard to know here in Florida. Its very strange here in Tampa Florida God help me. Hiding out. With. Yet another relative from Rosie s family. Meanwhile… Gotta what watch what say. Very touchy guy. Someday I'll tell you of his Hollywood special skills.
    Hey I see what you did there bro. My pleasure. They love it!
    Dorathi Catalan

  5. We laugh about it now, but in time those 'stand-up seats' might even look comfy compared to whatever comes out of the deranged minds of airline companies executives.

  6. I am wondering whether Stephen, or his Writers decided it was good to make a Human Centipede joke. #justsayin'

  7. Lady Dentch is a treasure. Sadly, she's no longer the sexy movie star she once was Stephan… Now, she's a mature adult and still an amazingly talented as well as a lovely human being. 😉

  8. We are yanggang. I m a yangsta for life. It is both a campaign and movement. It is a voice or we are a voice that needs to be heard not only in the USA but world wide. Lets spread the word.

  9. Honestly I can't believe how much sex talk Colbert gets away with from the FCC, but I am so happy he does! Hahaha these stories are incredible!

  10. stand up airplane seats would save me so much money as a person who has to purchase extra leg room

  11. Love you, Colbert, but your intro to the “Meanwhile” segment is a blatant ripoff of Lewis Black. You know this.

  12. Goddangit, Stephen!! You do NOT throw human centipede upon unsuspecting spectators!! It's the one thing I truly wish I had never gained knowledge of, and would gladly Eternal Sunshine off of my mind, just to make sure it could never be the last thought in my mind as I leave this existence one day. Geez… how many blissfully ignorant minds who've managed to avoid it were ruined by this….

  13. Stand up seats? Eli Roth will make a movie about it:
    ”Hostel 7 – Sit down!”

  14. The Centi-Plane should get unneccessary plain journeys down so Centi-Plane is good for fighting carbon emissions?

  15. WTF. Mabye Buerough of Indian Affairs will catch up with the reservations. No sex before marriage. Where did that legal joke come from? No separation of Church and State stating there is separation.

  16. 5 senses porn. Still not over coming women whom can't have orgasms. Orgasm displacement.
    What a deal.
    Behind door number one…..
    still nothing.
    Door number two…..
    Still illegal in NYS since 1800's.

  17. Maybe FEMA can combo move the FEMA cattle cars noted in public documentation with shackles at waist level, Kali pile standing room only, and the NAZI prison camp twist, FEMA cattle car burn off the swamp gas lighting cattle car wash and waxing.
    Weren't expecting that one were you.

  18. Whoa..

    Was this episode aired on some Christian festivities?

    Then why's the word "Jesus" semi-censured? Don't Catholics actually offer 🍷 in His honour? 🤔

  19. The visual of an adult film shooting jets of water and air at you is too much. When you leave the theater you're dripping wet and your hair is all messed up.
    Let's get some coffee and digest what just happened

  20. There are no such things as free facts in the world. If people had a grip on the billions of books in the world it would be a better and safer place. If you couple a lack of fact substantiation with drug use, then there are more delusional and hysterical people. What else could I say about crime and accidents? Studying takes substantial time and technique. A lack facts will, thus, lead to declining health and loss of control. Have a little respect for the informed. If information leads to fashion, then it is written in the fashion and etiquette manuals not dictated by Hollywood characters. Who has time for a constant formal presentation, though? I'm not going to get into the dangers of chemically engineered products or restaraunt grade food but maybe you can find your way there in the metals and alchemy? Good luck, schmucks!

  21. I've gotten hammered before and felt that transferring my rent money to my locked in retirement account was smart.

  22. I've walked into a hotel room by mistake just after my roommate got jiggy. The smell was… awful. No thanks.

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