Meri Kismat Kharab Hai | Stand up comedy by Shashwat Maheshwari

Meri Kismat Kharab Hai | Stand up comedy by Shashwat Maheshwari

It’s hokum, dude I said, “Auntie, save your flirting for later.
Take the session first.” I went to a hypnotist also Those people who do hypnosis The auntie started showing jewelery I said, “I don’t want” She says, “No, we have to show” She says,
“You are going into deep slumber” “You are sleeping” “You are going into deep slumber” I said, “Auntie, shut up and
let me sleep” I can’t trust these people and I have an addictive personality,
its true, I have a gambling addiction They’re all fake But I have a girlfriend I enjoy spending money on bets “Here, take 10,000! 20,000!” Because she wants to marry She says,
“I want to see a future with you” so she wants to see if
our future will be alright Now, my girlfriend wants to marry me We don’t know who I’ll put as collateral They put 3 cards on the table “So I want to see if your future is okay” I bet 500rs So she took me to a Tarot card reader Thank you so much,
that’s my time and she tells me I recently went to a psychiatrist “Shashwat, you have
an addictive personality” I booked a cab one time and I said, “OK” I said, “OK…” the guy said,
“I’ve reached, you can come down” He says, “From there take a right” “I’ve booked a cab” He says, “Take a left from there,
I’m in the white car on the crossroad” “You haven’t booked a man” And its cut was deeper than this “Do one thing, take a cab till here” He keeps looking in the mirror at me I don’t take risks! I’m sitting at the back
and I notice I went to a psychiatrist It’s Bombay, everything’s allowed here. I don’t take a risk Any argument, I just… (In Marathi) “I’m hungry. Feed me.” Run I wasn’t able to do it anyway You run Imagine… That poor beggar is
begging using the Fitbit Sir, please give me some food Who’s showing proof and begging You can see my BMI is also low It would be great if
I got pav bhaji I feel bad because I’ve noticed people They’re only just comparing Yours is 10,000?
Mine is 12,000! tied it around his dog’s neck my friend’s sitting and eating a burger My girlfriend put one
in my neck… It’s a handcuff I know what she’ll do Later she’ll come and say… “8000 steps?”
“But you said you didn’t go anywhere?” “Coincidence?” I’m not from Bombay And I didn’t know a lot of
things about Bombay So, I asked my friend
who’s from here “Tell me something…” “In Bombay, why do they put everything in a bun?” He got angry He said, “What’s so odd about it?
It’s our culture.” I said, “Yes, but…” “I came to get a SIM card” See, here’s the thing Bombay does this to
make everything its own There’ll be a feeling like,
“Yes, this is ours” “Amchi Mumbai” Put it in a bun… Bhajiya Pav Bombay thing Bombay thing “He’s one of us,
don’t burn him” Gives a personal feeling… buns on their backs and fronts Recently, a beggar ran away
with my Fitbit I think Bihari people should also put Every time it’s a WagonR! I don’t even have to go anywhere I just want to test my luck It’s really bad, dude! How can anyone’s luck be so bad? Dude, I booked a normal cab
I got a WagonR I booked an XL Two WagonRs arrived! I booked a luxury cab A Mercedes came.
I said, “OK, cool” He said, “Here, sit in this” This is wrong Uber is plotting against me I told my friend,
“Listen even I have a trick. I know everything” “Let’s do one thing, “Let’s do one thing,
I’ll book using your account” He says, “What’s this curse you’ve put on me!” I said, “OK! Fresh start!” We’ll do a clean slate I’ll change my identity Changed my name, my parents I changed everything Swift Dzire Booked a cab He says, “What did you think?” “Only you can pull off a scam?” Then I saw a WagonR
with the same number (plate) I said to myself,
“I knew they were scamming me!” I’m booking a cab six time in a day I issued myself a visa for Pakistan They don’t even grant it I said, “I’m taking it!” They said, “No, the country is Turkey” One guy says,
“Look I filled up my passport in two years” I said, “I know it!” I said, “I’ve filled four in a week!” Mine My mom’s My dad’s My sister’s Everyone’s passports I’ve filled If you want to fill your passports,
come to me Too much time I have very bad luck See, I have talent You just witnessed You’ve watched Comicstaan Whenever I’ve tried to book a cab I have very bad luck It’s like family business You must know how bad my luck is! I’ve always got WagonR (because what will you do with so much time?) …by watching YouTube videos I’ve learnt how to make
D.I.Y Stress-balls D.I.Y as in You’re stressed but here, you do all the work This is how you do this I want you guys to also learn this Take a balloon and fill it with flour Then tie a knot Then one more Put another balloon on it Four balloons and one cup flour
will make you one stress-ball I made ten Used up all the flour
there was at home Now what to make for dinner
is stressing me out I have time! What do I do with it? I’m learning sh*t I don’t need! Giving dogs a bath, that’s what I’ve learnt! I’ve learnt how to give a bath
to all kinds of dogs! I can give bath to a huskie I can give bath to a beagle I don’t even have a dog but when I get one I’ll give it such a bath… …even it will never forget it was born
to a class-apart dhobi I’d wash a doberman so hard it would become a pomeranian! I have the knowledge,
what do you do now? I have a lot of time! I’ve started filling the last two pages
of my passport It’s just lying unused by playing X and 0 on it I’d rather do something with it! It’s been lying around for 10 years,
I haven’t been able to go anywhere I tried a lot, I waited for 10 years “I’ll get to go now”, “I’ll get to go now” “Okay, I didn’t get to go” Now I’ve made it into a rough notebook Move it! I watch a lot of YouTube videos
on tourism of anywhere like China, Japan, and
I write by myself VISA China ✓ Japan ✓ My friend who came back from the U.S. says First page signed off with a U.S. Visa! I’ve realised this.
Too much time. I said, “Here you go!” “It’s tough to get a U.S. Visa now
since Donald Trump has come to power” I’m a pioneer! They started waving the flag
and started screaming ‘Jai Hind!’ Never happened in comedy before! I’m too big now I recently performed at Wankhede stadium They were watching the match but I performed for an hour One hour of jokes! huge arena People took off their clothes
and started running! People loved it! They were dancing! You can’t trust people So I put on a scarf I was wearing a V-neck tee He came and I sat
in the back of the cab He says,
“Sir stop with the taunts, I’m coming” “Wish you had a mode of transport” I said, “Oh, that’s fine.
It was far, that’s fine” He says, “No, no, it was a little far” “This left, right…
I’ll be giving the directions” I said, “Listen, sir….” I said, “OK…” Then he says,
“Once you’re down, go straight” I travel in cabs a lot
and things happen to me Put bhindi!… Bhindi Pav! I carry two buns in my pocket Put anything! “I’m one of yours, uncle” Maybe they’ll also get accepted Took the samosa, put in a bun…
Samosa Pav Took the bhajiya from North India So it has a personal bond to it But now I understand
why Bombay does this “In so many states they’re eating
bugs, you don’t say anything then!” “Isn’t it odd?” ” I mean, I didn’t even ask for a bun,
he forcibly gave it to me” I was in Delhi and I moved to Bombay “What sort of activity were you doing?” “Burned a lot of calories at 5PM, didn’t you?” “Shalini also completed 8,000 steps.” “Where were you roaming?” She tied to me and left Sorry, tied one on my hand… I think its only partners
who’re using this How will you get fit? The dog is running around and My friend took his Fitbit and No one’s getting fit with a Fitbit I needed 10,000 calories He’s the only beggar in the world I’m actually feeling bad for him And I said, “It’s cool,
at least my target will complete” It’s just bad luck,
what can you do about it? I said, “But… it says Swift Dzire here?” I ran downstairs and yelled,
“Scam!” Downloaded a new app I said, “Well…
I didn’t know this would happen” Since then even he’s been
getting only WagonRs Too much time! But there was a WagonR tied to it at the back! So I’m sitting and squeezing
the stress-ball People are showing attitude! I took a visa for Istanbul “I’m taking it, what will you do now?” This is what I’ve done recently… I have too much time now I’m just used to performing
in huge stadiums now No, I know it’s not that big I hope you can hear me
at the back of this I’m really glad to be here Hi It’s really bad, dude! How can anyone’s luck
be this bad?! I don’t even want to go anywhere I just want to test my luck

Only registered users can comment.

  1. Only 1st 3 mins……. But laughing like retard.. ….. πŸ˜‚ Love from Pakistan πŸ‡΅πŸ‡°πŸ˜Š

  2. Mene chuuni daal li….epicπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜›

  3. mai stoned ho kar aadhey ghante se roll kar raha tha. galti se ye video lag gaya koni se….on hotay hi joint neeche gir gaya aur toot gaya. #$%^&*&%^%$W%$ER&^T*& Bas….thats all i wanted to share with you all today

  4. The person who can reveal truth of the society in a humorous way is a comedian.And to be a comedian is not a joke it's the hardest thing in life.Hats offπŸ™

  5. Don't get me wrong. This one kinda made me sad. Seems like he was pretending to be someone that he usually hides(or hates perhaps). May be I got just too much lost in between lines. Nevermind, great stage appearance with a humble performanceβ™₯

  6. Aisa lagta hai haath muh dhoke seedha yaha aaya comedy karne πŸ˜‚.. Teri kismat kharab hai lekin video maal hai!

  7. Inspirations:
    mitch headberg
    louis ck
    norm macdonald
    chal joothe
    sach bolu bhai
    jeeveshu aluwalia
    biswa kalyan rath

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *