Most Epic Family Malfunctions Warren B Hall- Dry Bar Comedy


Here’s what I want you guys to remember: my name. People never remember your name after the show. Anyone remember my name? “Warren”? It was Warren. It was Warren. Warren B. Hall. Warren B. Hall. Can anyone guess what the B. stands for? Audience: “Bryce”, “Brave” Brave, I like that. It’s not Brave, but I like that. What was that? Audience: “Boss!” Bufforis? Are you making up stuff? *Laughter* She was like, “Give me two consonants. Give me two consonants and a vowel.” *Laughter* “We’re using it.” *Laughter* And her friends treat her like it was Family Feud. “Good answer! Good answer!” *Clapping and laughter* “Show me Bufforis!” *Laughter* No. I don’t have a cool middle name. It’s Bernard. It’s- Did you say that? Bernard. That’s not cool. Alright. But, it sounds cooler when you say it altogether. Warren Bernard Hall the Third. Alright? That sounds more- No, don’t get excited. I’m the First. Don’t get excited. Don’t. No. *Laughter* When I was little, I asked my Mom. I said, “Why- why would you name me that?” She was like, “When you grow up, if you come into money, I want you to have a name that sounds like you deserve money.” Right? Which is cool! But… What does that say about my sister, Tanika? *Laughter* That name clearly says, “You want fries with that?” *Clapping and laughter* My sister hates that joke, and that’s why I do it! *Laughter* She was a horrible little sister that got me in trouble. Who’s the oldest in the family? Oldest? Oldest? *Cheering and clapping* If you’re the oldest, you know what I know: It sucks to be the oldest. ‘Cause usually that means you get beat worse than any other kid in the family. Why? ‘Cause your parents don’t know what they’re doing yet! You were roughly the rough draft for your parents. Think of those early beatings. No technique. Just raw aggression. You’re in the room, messing up. Your Dad’s like, “What’d you say? “AAGHHHHHHHhhooohhhh that’s not good…” “That’s… that’s not right at all. That’s…” “Honey!” “Honey, write this down. Never hit him that hard again, honey. Write that down.” “Don’t cry, don’t cry. We’ll make another one, we’ll make another one. Don’t cry.” *Clapping and laughter* “I’ll take care of this. Just open the garage for me. Open the garage.” Yeah, that’s my childhood. Yeah. I had a hard- I was raised by just my Mom. Single Mom, you know I got beat. My Mom was hardcore. My Mom would beat you with anything, literally. Kay? Who here has ever been beat with a toaster oven? *Laughter* That’s what I thought. You guys think it’s funny. I’m still affected by that beating, to this day. Serious. Before that beating. Before that incident. My voice used to sound Black. *Laughter* Last time before the beating, I was like, (Deep voice) “Please Mama. Please don’t beat me. Please Mama. Please.” *Laughter* “Don’t beat me.” Next time, I was waking up on the kitchen floor hours later like, (High-pitched voice) “Phew! That was quite a beating you administered- MMMMGH!!” *Laughter* “MMMGHH!!!” “Well that’s peculiar- *clears throat*” [Subscribe to Dry Bar Comedy for even more of the world’s largest collection of clean comedy.]

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