Moving to Canada Isn’t the Answer – Tim Miller – Up Next

Moving to Canada Isn’t the Answer – Tim Miller – Up Next

– Oof, confidence is through
the roof right now, man. (audience chuckles)
Earlier this week, I spelled ‘definitely’ without
using an auto-correct, so… (audience laughs and cheers) You ever do that shit before? Spell a word that you forgot
you knew how to spell? Feels good, just ride on that confidence. (audience chuckles) Week before that, last week, I spelled ‘silhouette’
in a email. (scoffs) – [Audience Members] Ooh! – Yeah, I just started typin’! I was waitin’ for that
red line to show up, it didn’t, I was like, Nigga, y’all can’t tell me shit today. (audience laughs) I’m a genius! I threw it in five other emails that day, I just threw it in there. (audience laughs) Had nothin’ to do with the email. “9 a.m. meeting, everyone.” “The silhouette of your life.” (audience laughs) It’s that intellectual confidence, man, I don’t get that often,
I’m not that smart. I don’t, I’m not woke. My friends are real woke, I’m supposed to know shit about black issues, all my
black friends are like, “Bro, you, “you know, we movin’ to Canada soon. (audience chuckles) “You know, these white people crazy. “you comin’ with us?” I’m like, so you don’t like white people, so you wanna move
(audience chuckles) to Canada?
(audience laughs) A whiter country? They’re whiter, right? Canadians don’t want
black Americans in Canada. They got black Canadians. They’re much better, they’re outdoors-y ‘n shit. (audience chuckles) And Canadians ski in the summertime. Black Canadians are
perfect, they don’t want us. I’ve never seen a commercial
for Canada on BET, I’ve never seen
(audience laughs) a ad (chuckles) “Hey, Jamaal, you like
chicken and waffles? “Come on over, we got maple syrup! (audience laughs) “See what that’s aboot.” (audience laughs) It’s not a, it’s not a good reason to go, it’s not a good reason to travel. All Americans should travel, though. If you’re American, you should travel. Just so you can hear what
everybody’s sayin’ about us. (audience chuckles) It ain’t good. (audience chuckles) We’re all fat, that’s the one, Americans, “Americans! “All Americans are fat.” I hate that one. It’s not our only problem. (audience laughs) We got a opioid epidemic. We do a lot of prescription drugs. – Whoo!
– But we can’t take ’em, (all chuckle)
– Whoo! – Especially that dude. (audience laughs) We can’t take ’em on a
empty stomach, though, is what I’m sayin’, so, (audience laughs) prescription drugs, in America, man, we got all of these commercials, we got all of these ads for, if it has to do with sex, though, any prescription drug
that have to do with sex, they put a HIV disclaimer at
the end of the commercial. Like, right at the end. Just to scare you a little bit, but it’s a lie. Cialis male enhancement, “Oh, this is male enhancement, “but it won’t stop the spread of HIV “and other STDs.” Really, Cialis? If it did, wouldn’t that
be the reason for Cialis? (audience laughs) It wouldn’t be Cialis male enhancement, it’d be Cialis, the HIV-stoppin’ drug. (audience chuckles) Number one side effect:
it makes your dick hard. So, you might wanna,
(audience chuckles) yeah.
(faint applause) So, it actually helps the spread of HIV, if you think about it. (chuckles) We all should be on a
diet, we all should be on, I can’t go on, I’m not going on no diet. I’m a fast food junkie, man, I’m, I’m into it. My favorite spot: Chick-fil-A. I know it’s not popular, but I
still love Chick-fil-A, dawg. I do. Just based off the white
people that work there. (audience chuckles) Go to any other fast food restaurant, the white kids, eh. The white children at Chick-fil-A are the best. (audience laughs) They’re like religious, Mormon or some shit. They don’t even let you get out the car. They yell at you in the parking lot. “What are you doing out there? “Getting here, come on! (audience chuckles) “Have some sauce!” Offering sauce! Go to McDonald’s and ask for some sauce. (audience chuckles) I dare, they’ll look at you like, “What the fuck you need sauce for? (audience laughs) “You ain’t gettin’ no
sauce up in here, man.” Chick-fil-A is the best! I know gay people were boycottin’
Chick-fil-A for a while, remember that shit? The dude, the CEO, sayin’
somethin’ about gay marriage, and gays was like, “We’re not gonna go.” It’s lasted for three days. (audience chuckles) Right? They were like, picketing outside and then they smelled it, and like, “Okay, we gonna go back. (audience laughs) “We’re gonna go back.” But when I first heard about it, as a black person, I was like, “Yo, “that’s a strong movement, gays. “More chicken for me,” ’cause (audience chuckles) I’m never gonna stop goin’. They can have a shotgun to my fa, “You black mother,” “Hey, listen, I’ll, “I’ll leave. “Just lemme get a number
four, before you kill me, “lemme,
(audience laughs) “let me get a deluxe before you…” Gay people not going to Chick-fil-A, that’s a easy movement,
though, if you think about it, right? It’s not like Chick-fil-A
is chocked full of gays. (audience chuckles) That’s like black getting mad at L.L. Bean if they say some shit about us. (audience chuckles) “Brother, have you heard what
L.L. Bean has been sayin’?” “I have, my brother, I have. “It’s time for a nationwide boycott “of L.L. Bean.” “It’s a good idea, brother. “Quick question: What is L.L. Bean? (audience laughs) “Is it a Mexican restaurant or some shit? “Are the ‘L’s silent?” “No, brother! “They sell saddles and canoes.” (audience laughs) “Canoes? “I can’t even swim, I don’t care about…” (audience chuckles) The only black people that can successfully boycott L.L. Bean, black Canadians, they’re the only ones. (audience laughs)
(upbeat electronic music)

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  1. Except Chic fil A literally donates and supports the KKK so they're also anti-black. But by all means pretend like it's only the gays affected by them.

  2. He said one thing that wasnt even offensive about gays and the whole crowd tensed up… If LGBT has that much power then im moving to Canada.

  3. They boycotted Chic-fil-A in Georgia ………and they ran out of Chicken, the lines were out the door, around the block for DAYS……funniest shit in years.

  4. I only know LL Beans because when i went to uni in Vermont i swear at least half the people there wore the same shoes like i actually counted them for a while but lost count at like 40+ lmao

  5. At first I thought LL Bean sold expensive causal clothes. Then I thought they sold outdoor/sports equipment. Turns out its both.

  6. LGBTQ+ and allies are still boycotting Chic fil a. And their ceo didn’t just say something… they donate tons of money to anti-lgbtq+ organizations

  7. Note to this guy: black people aren't the only ones "woke". Did you hear how they merely laugh at your jokes?
    Cringy.. 😬 😄😄😄 😐

  8. can we boycott starbucks. i know they support gay pride and all, but im fairly certain its because their coffee sucks dick . also it cost to much

  9. How dare this negro not validate my political views. Mighty uppity of him. In response I’m gonna give a shitty reception to his great set. My father Moshe and uncle avi didn’t claim to have marched in Selma for this. They might as well stayed home and focused on promoting the spread of obscenity.

  10. HELL YEAH I'm a fucking English major and when that red line don't show up on "silhouette" (like it just now did) FUCK YEAH

  11. Man I felt so much relief when he said that he struggled in spelling the word "definitely" I thought I was the only one in the world struggling with that!
    I did find a solution that worked for me just a couple of days ago:
    remember it like this: Defi-nite- ly

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