Peeing Your Pants on Picture Day – I S**t You Not (feat. Nick Kocher)

Peeing Your Pants on Picture Day – I S**t You Not (feat. Nick Kocher)


– Hi, hello. My name’s Nick Kocher. This is a story about pee. Coming out of me and onto me. That’s concise. I was in third grade. I don’t know what age that is. I think that’s like 10? I was a bully’s Christmas
gift, really thick glasses, my dad cut my hair constantly. I would wear these t-shirts
that I would chew the collars of til the point that they
would come down to show my like 10 year old cleavage. I looked horrible. My parents were like, “I know what’ll solve
the bullying, sports”. They took me out of the
room where there were books and put into the world of sports where I was constantly bullied. Let’s go put this kid,
photo please, that thing, let’s put him into sports. Terrible. My parents made a mistake. I was not at all suited
for baseball or any sports. Really sad part of this, I
thought I was good at sports. My mom recently told me,
“No, you were a weird kid”. My mother said,
“You’re a weird kid”. I’m really like living
in this moment right now. Flash forward to the middle
of the season, to photo day. We’re all dressed up
in our full uniforms, in the middle of a field,
not a baseball field, but a regular field in
seemingly the middle of nowhere. Very far away from other
Little League fields and, most importantly, far
away from the bathroom. And I kinda have to pee. Foreshadowing. I’m waiting in line and
I’m like, “I’ll be fine. “I’ll just hold it til
I get my photo taken”. But this fucking
photographer thinks he’s goddamn Annie Leibovitz. Leibovitz? Lebowitz? You’ve got two options,
use one of those. (laughs) He’s like painting
the picture for these kids. Just hit the home run. Trying to get a
really good look, make our little third
grade bodies look real hot. The pee starts to build up. Okay, this is enough, I’m
gonna go find a bathroom or stream. Just then, he calls
my name, “Nicholas”. I went by Nicholas then until kids started
calling me, “Dickless” and then I changed it to Nick and then they called me, “Dick”. Nick the Dick Crotcher. I stood up to those bullies by changing the pronunciation
of my last name. This is totally true. I said, “I’m not Nick Kocher
anymore, I’m Nick Kocher”. That did not stop the
bullying even a little bit. Your first name still rhymes
with dick, we’re fine. Well, that’s all my names. I can’t really move
anywhere from there. Anyhow, I get into the pose. Don’t pan down so far
you get my sweat pants. Every fucking muscle in my
body, every muscle in my body is tensed tight just to
hold in all of this urine. All of this young
ten year old urine. That’ll make this video really
good for one creep out there. I must have looked miserable. Probably just looked, just like. Okay Nicholas, that was
good, we got that option where you’re really, really
scared and frightened. Give us a smile. And so I relaxed two
muscles in my face to sort of lightly turn up
the corners of my mouth. Bust out one of these, like. Something you
should know about me is I am not great at
smiling to this day. My teeth are open. And like my tongue is there. Yep, there’s my mouth open
with my tongue visible. Why? I’m smiling and that
creates a chain reaction of muscles relaxing and tensing. Whatever muscle keeps the
pee in, stops working. Just very, very quickly
my bladder explodes. I’m just like this, peeing. The photographer
takes several photos. “Yep, all right, I guess
that’s what we’re gonna get”. To be fair, now, as
an adult, I look back and I’m like, “Oh, he
didn’t care either way”. One, that was his job. Two, he’s probably like, “Oh,
I need to get this picture “really quickly. It’s
about to be unusable”. I’m just peeing, smiling. Behind me, my entire baseball
team is watching this happen. I’m like, “Okay, maybe
they won’t notice”. They noticed. I hear the ewwws and such. “Ewww!” Fricking pricks. “What ewww!” I pee for probably 45
seconds, I mean in my head it lasted a year and a half. Finally, it ends. All right, Nicholas, let’s
just play it real cool. Immediately, my entire
team comes up to me, “Did you just pee your pants?” It was in the South so he
had a slight southern accent. “Did you just pee your pants?” He’s an old southern man
cause I can’t do any type of southern accent
that’s not that. “You pee your pants?” “No.” “What’s all this liquid?” “I had a Gatorade in my
pocket and it broke.” “You don’t even
have any pockets.” “Uh-huh.” They’re baseball pants,
there’s no pockets. And also, like, that’s
not how Gatorade bottles, like what would have
broken the Gatorade bottle? Not much you can say to
that when you’re just caught in a hard lie. Well, that’s it for me. It’s 10 years after it began,
my life has come to an end. I remember like sitting in
the dugout on the bench, my entire team about 15
feet away from me huddled up against each other cause they
don’t want to be near me. One kid like said
something nice to me, “Hi”. And another kid said,
“What are you doing? “Don’t talk to him.
He peed his pants”. If I could go back in
time, I’d hit that kid. Thirty-three year old
me would go back in time and kick a 10 year old
and I wouldn’t even feel a little bit bad. I, at the time, thought that that was the worst
day of my life. What I realized like a month
later is that I’d survived. There’s two possible morals
you can take from that. One is that whatever
you think is bad now probably in hindsight, later
on, won’t actually be that bad. Could turn into a funny story. The other possible message is that I have had way
worse days in my life. (upbeat music)

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