The real story of Pocahontas is one that has quite a few holes in what anyone actually knows, and a lot of horrible things happened, but I guess it’s more fun to romanticize it. Especially with Dingo! (vaguely tribal music) You remember how I once said that I didn’t think Dingo movies got released on DVD in English? Well… I was wrong… I was wrong. Dingo movies in English were put out on DVD by East West entertainment, another German company who hasn’t had a working English website since 2007. They also distributed a lot of other DVDs, but most notably Aladdin $1.00 and friends. Yes, that piece of crap VHS-transfer-to-DVD of Aladdin and his Magic Lamp that skipped over major portions of the movie was put out by East West. Well, I’m sure they did a much better job on the Dingo movies, right? Oh…what a shock. It doesn’t skip parts of the movie though, at least. Speaking of, I thought of using another language version that has better video with the English track on it, but the Finnish one that I’ve got is only 28 minutes and the English version of this movie is 52 minutes, making it the longest Dingo movie I’ve seen. They probably cut it down to that time just by removing random animal laughing shots. In actuality, why the Finnish one is so much shorter is they cut out the majority of the beginning and just skipped to the white guys getting there. One last notable thing about the East West releases of Dingo movies is they sometimes pad them out with “bonus” public domain cartoons, which of course look like they are transferred from the worst possible sources, and some of them they made sure to piss on. But even though these somehow look like a cartoon’s last known footage, they make sure to let us know these bonus cartoons are… Fuck off! But my favorite part of these “real bonuses” is that it ends with a Betty Boop cartoon that has this tacked on. Oh yes, Betty Boop was always my favorite Merrie Melody cartoon. All right, let’s stop delaying this and talk about Wabuu’s origin story. [Phelous’s voiceover] We start off Dingo’s Pocahontas as excitingly as possible, with buffalo fucking around in a field, a guy in a canoe built for two, but he’s alone, because no one likes him, and meanwhile, Bambi is in another dimension getting high off shrooms. Oh, there he is! The star! The mascot! The everything! WABUU!!! Of course he appears before Pocahontas; Wabuu is life. And if you’re thinking “didn’t he appear in the Wabuu cartoon first?” that’s a big “NOPE!” That cartoon came out a year later in 96, and this was in 95, by…Media Concept? Apparently, Dingo pictures was known as Media Concept in their beginning. This is starting to turn into the Dingo Hole! Also, you might have your mind blown here, because this is the only Dingo movie I’ve seen that has a proper credit roll that actually lists who voiced all the characters. And if this is to be believed there were actually FOURTEEN different people providing voices on this one. This does seem like one of the more ambitious Dingo movies, but I have really hard time believing them having more than four voice actors. These credits are extremely useful, too, since they just show pictures of the characters. Otherwise, I wouldn’t know who most of them were. Ludwig Ickert, one of the Dingo concept creators, voices one of the characters, and, unsurprisingly, so does a relative. The star, though, is Armin Drogat, who voices Wabuu and the native chief, which is the King “MY GOD!” voice. [Audio from the movie] Pale men… …that does not sound very good. [Phelous’s voiceover] We see that asshole bird from Lion and the King following Pocahontas, apparently talking but nothing is coming out. “We only had this particular flying shot made with the intent of dialogue, so we’re not changing it.” [Audio from the movie] Hi, Wabuu. Where are you? Why are you hiding? [Phelous’s voiceover] Wabuu truly is a master, and hides in plain sight. You can’t see him even right in front of your face. [Audio from the movie] I’m coming, Pocah. Just a minute. You should choose your friends better, Pocahontas…you know. Oh, Piri, It’s enough with you watching out for me. The two of you really are too much. Come on, let’s go fishing! But the salmon are mine, you know? What? [From the movie] (strange, high pitched, scratchy noises) Uh… Wabuu went fishing for plants and got possessed by a demon? I guess I should have expected this from Dingo by now. [From the movie] You should know not to pull them up by their roots. I don’t do that! (wind blowing) Listen, even the wind is arguing with you. [Phelous’s voice] (singing) Can you argue with all the colors of the wind? Most of the wind’s colors are so stupid. heh heh heh heh heh heh. [From the movie] If you listen, you will hear what it is whispering to you, haaaa-oooooow? I don’t hear anything. Hahaha, you are, and remain, a glutton. He must listen to his soul and go on a diet. The wind is your soul, and it tells raccoons to go on diets. This is the TRUE story of Pocahontas! [Phelous’s voice] Like any Dingo movie as well, the area they’re in makes no sense whatsoever, as some of these scenes are in the jung-sert, which kind of does not fit where Pocahontas took place. Anyway, Salmon Interrupting Bear is dead now! (imitating the Dingo laugh) Wow, [Movie] That’s what I call a good catch, Little Feather. You can make a chain out of its claws. [Phelous] “Myyyyyy goodness gracious” “golly, gee willikeeeeeeeers.” “Whaaaat? You daaaaaaaaaare?” “Noooooo, you daaaaare. You do not hunt other animaaals.” “Nooooooooooooooo.” “Yeeeeeeeeeeeeees.” “Weeeeelllllllll…” (drag) “fuuuuuuuuuuuuck…” “as long as you give to my society for endangered animals afteeer.” “Maaaaaaay-beeeeeeee.” [Movie] And you can wear it around your neck always, and it will bring you luck. [Phelous] Well, I guess he didn’t say what KIND of luck. [Movie] I look forward to that bear bacon! Hehehehehehehe! Um… I, uh… (Imitating the screaming nuns from Dingo’s Hunchback) [Phelous] Needless to say, bear bacon loving hyenas were definitely around this region, which is why Dingo’s version is the only true retelling of these events. [Movie] Chief Powhatan has made peace with the neighboring tribe. It looks really bad for us. We will die of starvation. [Phelous] “Better than dying of lonliness.” [Movie] Times are bad, forget about us being enemies. We should do things together now–(cut off before word is finished) Things together, are you crazy? They really should do things together no–(clips word at the end) [Phelous] This vulture-hyena alliance is gonna lead to big things, as in more scenes of them talking to each other, with the vulture’s branch that moves along with them, and impacting the story precisely zero percent. But they certainly TALK about doing stuff…that they won’t. [Movie] No peace pipe, no peace, no peace, many corpses. That’s what we need now. “Many corpses is what we need now.” Oh, I love you, Dingo. [Movie] You almost made Pocahontas fall into the water! I am responsible for the chief. Yes, he expressly told me to watch his daughter. Hmm? [Phelous] “That bitch bird is making shit up.” “Heh heh heh heh heh heh.” [Movie] What a wonderful animal! Who killed it? [Clip from Transformers] I’ve never seen anything this beautiful in the entire galaxy. All right, give me the bomb. [Movie] I think that this bear, in some way or another, is a relative of mine. Well, I don’t know, I really don’t know. I don’t know if I’m more dumbfounded by the kanga-coon thinking a bear is its relative, or the man laughing about it! [Movie] very weird. Yes, I don’t like it. You will end up the same way if you continue this nonsense! [Phelous] That bird just threatened Wabuu would get murdered for not liking this murder? No wonder Wabuu’s catchphrase is “Most of the animals are so stupid.” A movie where humans can talk to animals becomes INFINITELY weirder when they also still hunt them. Like, do you think they just invited that bear over for lunch, then said “SURPRISE! YOU’RE LUNCH!” and murdered him? [Phelous] Maybe that bear just complained about its salmon one too many times. The whole situation makes Wabuu so angry he reverts to having his more Meeko like color scheme, before, you know, they lightened the area and his eyes making him a completely original character. Also, stupid dead salmon bear looks a lot like Grumpy Bear, So I’m gonna say grumpy Bear fell into a time portal and then got murdered in the past. It’s a nice thought. [Movie] Little Feather killed his first bear. [Clip from Dingo’s Wabuu film] Child murderer! Child murdererrrrrrrrr…. [Phelous] “This just got awkwaaaaaaaard.” “You’re telling me!” [Movie] It’s about time that you get your man name. [Phelous] “Dead Meeeeeeeeeat.” “I like that.” [Movie] You may smoke the peace pipe with me. [Phelous] “You’d better enjoy what little time you have leeeeeeeeeft.” [Movie] I’d like to see that, huh. I hope he gets ill! [Phelous] Is Wabuu already drunk? (heavy coughing) Okay, I think we’ve established now that this is all very messed up and everyone hates each other! Move on, Dingo! If you actually HAVE anything other than that. [Phelous] Even Pocahontas loves Dead Meat choking, and she might look a little familiar as Esmeralda is just a slightly redesigned version of her. Pocahontas even shares that same trait of sometimes having sandals based on what position she’s in. Nice. [Phelous] Amazingly, the Playstation version actually went to the vast effort of translating this. [Clip from Link: The Faces of Evil] Gee, it sure is boring around here! [Phelous] Oh no. Poor Aladdin and friends lost their hats. Dingo also kinda copies Disney’s design for Ratcliffe, though instead of naming the villain after a real person who seemingly didn’t really deserve it, Dingo went the much more classy route and named him Crunch…bone… Captain Crunchbone’s biscuits are the best for your dog’s teeth, Heh heh heh heh heh. [Movie] Will we never be hungry again in America? No, my son. Poverty will be over now, forever. Yeah, sure, that makes sense. [Movie] (giggling) Yes, yes, Princess. You are the best of all. [Phelous] Because you don’t really fit this shit at all, but it’s easier to just reuse our Aristocat rip-off character rather than have to draw a new pug one. [Movie] Hi, Soldier. Bring me a cup of fresh milk. Immediately, please. Shut up, little cat. It’s not known for sure if a cat REALLY hit on John Smith and that he denied her advances, but that’s the story he told. [Movie] One-a day, I’m gonna kill-a this cat and serve-a him [sic] to Mr Crunch-a-bone-a for lunch! What the FUCK?!? What the fuck is the matter with everyone?? [Phelous] I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that serving your boss HIS PET for dinner isn’t gonna be the best way to keep your job, you stupid Italian chef that has no business being in this story! Also, I thought this was a statue or something, then we see it as a rubber neck, so apparently that’s just some casual “short Asian” stereotyping. Ha ha, thank you for THAT, Dingo. [Movie] (atonal singing) Come along and on board… to America, to America, to America, to America! Aw, Dingo thought they could do songs earlier on. How cute. [Movie] Not bad, Pocahontas. Soon you will be able to keep up with me. [Phelous] “Now I’M the leader!” “Ha ha ha ha ha!” After Wabuu tells them of the white man arriving several times, because dingo absolutely loves people reiterating points over and over, Chief “My God!” sends Dead Meat out to check on them. He’ll be fine! For now… (imitating Wabuu’s laugh) [Movie] Everyone should know, I was your captain not only on the ship, but I am your boss here on land, too! Probably should have established that before you left. [Movie] As soon as you are sober again, you start looking for gold! [Phelous] A bug crawling across the screen. It’s comforting to know that Dingo will always strive to reach new lows. We then learn that John Smith was just not a big fan of Bambi. [Movie] (gunshots) [Phelous] “LET’S BURN RIVER!” The pale fuckers COULD make a settlement, but why SETTLE for that when you can just pop out an entire old-west town overnight? Seriously, they just immediately create this whole stupid “old east” town, complete with the Crunchbone saloon. They have somehow even managed to already have graffiti, which just makes all kinds of sense for so many reasons. [Movie] It’s terrible! I don’t think it’s so bad. [Phelous] This is probably why Wabuu went back to the future for his later movies, he needed more modern conveniences to become a more effective child murderer. Anyway, Wabuu of course checks out the saloon first, and he even brought his black censor bar with him. I guess we can imagine what he’s doing here. He then checks out the old alleyway with garbage cans. I’m just appalled that most versions of Pocahontas forgot this part. [Movie] How can anyone eat garbage? Hehehehehehehe, A very little lion with a decoration around its neck! You have to tie your head in order it doesn’t drop off! [Phelous] You’ve just got [Movie] Hahaha, yes, that’s an amusing Indian. You want to steal our supply? Oh, wait, we’ll settle that advance. Whoooooaaa heeeeeeelp! (distressed laugh) What is going on? Dingo movies, they’re just like a sanity test! [Movie] He’s killing Wabuu! Let Wabuu loose immediately! You are hurting him! You think you are brave, you white man, to punish helpless animals! [Phelous] “In MY village we treat them right! Unless they complain about salmon,” “THEN THEY’RE DEAD!” Glad they both just speak English in this one. It makes way more sense when a talking tree shoots out magical wind to make them understand each other, just like how it happened in real life! What? [Phelous] John Smith also looks a little familiar, too, doesn’t he? Yeah. [Movie] (English and German singing being played simultaneously) Her eyes…(indecipherable)… …can’t get her off my mind. Well, at least with the sad “We’re Going To America” song they managed not to put it over the German track and just make a mess! [Phelous] “What am I doing here? BE DIAMOOOOOOONDS!!” [Movie] Everything would have gone well if the silly cat had not betrayed me! If I should see her again, I’ll teach her a lesson! [Phelous] “Oh shit! I’m about to jump into the river!” [Movie] “How can you eat garbage?” Heeheeheeheeheehee [Phelous] Oh Wabuu, you’re so high. [Movie] Pocah, are you listening to me at all? …like the deepest blue of the sea… WAT? Agreed. [Movie] It’s a long time since you visited me, Pocahontas, what’s going on, my girl? Holy fuck… …I’ve seen the face of death… …and it’s a bush [Phelous] That is just some damn creepy ass shit! So it was Grandmother Willow in the Disney one, what is the damn demon bush supposed to be? [Movie] Yes, Old Bush. Brilliant. [Movie] Their chief has offered a prize for every dead Indian. It may become a big fight. If this should happen, there would be terrible bloodshed and your people would be destroyed. [Phelous] “I would love that. Bring me the blood when it falls.” “BRING ME BLOOOOOOOOOOD!” “Oh, Old Bush! Hee hee hee!” [Movie] (CHOMP) [Phelous] Look, even the horse wants this damn abomination bush dead! [Movie] Today I met one of the white men. For no reason he annoyed Wabuu, but when I talked to him, he changed completely. [Phelous] “He’s just horny. Bring me his blood.” Well, thank fuck they’ve got proper fish and chips going on over in old-west town… they might have forgotten why they actually came here at this point, which was gold, because that panther already got all the diamonds. [Movie] Hello, Pocah! You’ve probably been looking for me. I wasn’t looking for you You weren’t looking for me? I wasn’t looking for you. I wasn’t looking for you. I wasn’t looking for you. That cat is really unbearable, but nevertheless, she’s quite charming. Ooh, yes. Wabuu! Could it be that you’re in love with her? Rubbish! [Phelous] EUGH, what the shit, Dingo? You know, if a raccoon actually was going to blush, its fur wouldn’t change color, you idiots! [Movie] I have talked with the Old Bush again. PFFFFFFFFTTTT HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! I love this stupid over-the-shoulder shot of Wabuu! Apparently, this was too crap, even for Dingo, to ever use again, because I never saw it again after this. So, yeah, behold: the shot deemed too bad, even by DINGO standards! [Movie] I thought I’d never see you again. You angry at me the last time when we met. Remember? [Phelous] “Yeah, remember? You didn’t forget you were angry at me, right?” [Movie] If it isn’t important to know a name’s meaning, How do you recognize each other? By…looking at our faces, of course. [Phelous] Pfft, someone tell that to the Cinderella prince. [Movie] What rubbish! “By the face,” the white men all look the same! [Phelous] Oh, that Wabuu! [Movie] Pocahontas means, uh, little rascal. Pocahontas…little rascal…I like that… [Phelous] “What a creep! And look who’s saying that!” [Movie] You are ready to kill for gold? We use it to make jewelry, and I’m happy about that, But you obviously love gold because it is only gold. It’s noble to want gold as jewelry, but if you want gold because it’s only gold, you’ve got a lesson to learn… FROM THE BLOOD BUSH! (bizarre feral screeching) [Movie] You’re a carnivore! And you don’t want to see dead animals? Still I like you. Yeah… Imagine if I hunt it myself, and all the blood were on my nice white fur. Oh dear! I reckon you must clean yourself up! I bet that you can’t even do that! It’s not necessary to clean myself. Every evening. I’m brushed until my fur is very shiny. EEEEEEWWW! Dirty pussy! I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but, Wabuu, you can do better! [Movie] I belong to Mr. Crunchbone. Yes, yes. I know your Mr. Crunchbone is a cruel and blown-up pompous man, but he’s the one who the white people have made their chief, because they’re so stupid! [Movie] (as new music starts) Don’t say anything about Mr. Crunch! [Phelous] Whoo! Peter Gunn rip-off theme again! And it fits somehow LESS this time. [Movie] That’s not bad for a beginning! [sic] [Phelous] Man, these sequences are so weird to follow. The cat jumps into Wabuu’s chest, a squirrel laughs, then suddenly they’re just having a chat again. It’s nonsense! It’s barely animated nonsense! [Movie] Didn’t I hurt you? Teh ha ha ha… Definitely not [Phelous] (pained sounds) Anyway, Wabuu song time! [Movie] (same English singing over German singing) I am the Wabuu… …(indecipherable)…and I don’t need any shoes Oh man, that Wabuu! He doesn’t need a shoe! He also doesn’t need to be comprehensible… [Movie] Wow wow, shoopy doopy doo, (music and German singing cuts out abruptly) I am the Wabuu… I AM THE WABUUUUUUUU!!!!!! [Movie] Look here! That is firewater! [Movie] They have forced him to drink the firewater! Look at him! (wah-wah-wah music) [Phelous] Okay, cool, that guy’s wasted, get to the damn raccoon drinking! [Movie] They should make you an offer of how they can pay for this offense. If they refuse to, then we have got (awkward pause) to fight (another pause) I guess, then. [Phelous] Wait, which one was the one drinking? [Movie] Oh dear. Oh dear… (slurred drunken rambling about nothing) This is unbelievable! Oooooooh, I’m so sick! [Phelous] Man, that’s the quickest hangover ever! Very impressive, Wabuu. [Movie] Don’t shoot, Finnegan! That’s Pocahontas! Nein! (???) (gunshots) No one is sure that’s how it really went, but most say no. [Movie] The chief wants presents from you in order to pay for these offenses. If I can’t bring him an offer, there will be a fight. [Phelous] “And this became the first Christmas!” People aren’t sure if this is REALLY how Christmas started, but– Shut up! Your reviews are so stupid! Heh heh heh heh heh [Movie] Stay here. They’re, go immediately! (???) Don’t shoot! Nein! Nein! Don’t shoot! (dramatic sting) Oh, your chain hasn’t brought you any luck, Quick Spear. [Phelous] Ah, it really is lovely to see something like this done so ineptly, so thank you, Dingo pictures. Thank you. This is completely different than how the disney version did it, too, because it was an OLD guy who shot Dead Meat instead of a YOUNG guy! Though I can say Dingo’s death had more blood. I’ll explain that it was not a bad intention, they’ll understand it. “I’ll explain he was killed with good intentions and we’ll have peace forever!” [Movie] It’s all my fault! [Phelous] “I took a chunk out of your ass!” [Movie] No war will be started because of you. It is because of smoking cloud. PTHUUUU! What? [Movie] (clear drum sound) Actually, a log would not make that noise. [Movie] Our lord demands that blood be paid with blood. [Phelous] “How much blood? I’m a regular blood donator.” (guttural) “AAAALLLLL THE BLOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!” (Dingo’s wah-wah music) Well, Pocahontas really is off talking to the Blood Bush again, and luckily for Alan Smithee, Chief “My God!” has just been talking about killing him for hours without actually doing it, so Wabuu and the Aristocat have time to go get her and come back. [Movie] The law isn’t fair! [Phelous] “Oh, I never thought of it that way.” “Kill him!” (same clip of the wah-wah music) Oh, I’m being silly, apparently “the law isn’t fair” IS a good argument, so Chief Powerline calls the whole thing off. [Movie] No! Attention, chief! Watch it watch it! (gunshots) Listen to him, Chief Powhatan. He’s a good man. [Phelous] That John Smith, he takes getting shot really well… [Movie] Send me the white man who dared shoot at Chief Powhatan! [Clip from Get Smart] Sorry about that, chief! [Movie] If you don’t do that… then you will all die! Truly, the Chief has learned a lesson… Threaten people with death, it gets shit done quicker. [Movie] (in a nasally female voice) There was no need to shoot the chief. [Phelous] Yeah, that seems like the right voice to come out of him. [Movie] I shall always be deeply in debt to you my, white brother. I can understand your sorrow, my daughter. It is better this way. Will you go back to England? No, I’m staying with you. Will you please remove my ribbon? Yeah with pleasuuuuure INAPROPRIATE!! (same 2 language in one Wabuu song) [Movie] Someday, white people and red people will live together in peace. [Phelous] “BUT NOT TODAY!” (Blood Bush screeching) (people screaming and jumping overboard) This movie may have been slightly inaccurate to the actual events. No one can be really sure. This is, I suppose, one of the more ambitious Dingo movies. It’s one of their longest. They attempted a few songs, though they fucked all but one up by having the German audio play over the English one. Also the audio sync is eeeeh, alright. It’s not as bad as they’d get later on. Soooooo…uh… Wabuu, how did you time-travel after this movie? PTHUUUU! WHAT?!? (outro music) Most in these public domain cartoons are so stupid. NO!