(ominous electronic music) – Hi, I’m Jonathan Watkins and
I invented the double-click. – [Computer] Nobody gives a shit! – Today, I’m here to show you how to troubleshoot your Mundi Machine. – [Computer] Dipshit! – Now the question you’re
probably asking is, “how do I get him to stop swearing?” – [Computer] Fuck, balls, ass. – Well, it was not our intention to have him be as explicit as he is. – [Computer] Diaper. – When we tried our fix… (computer chimes) (computer chimes and buzzes) (computer chimes and buzzes) (computer chimes) (computer buzzes) (computer talks, buzzes and chimes) – Fuck. (sighs) We do, however, have a temporary solution. – [Computer] Johnathan,
Johnathan, wait, wait, think of everything
we’ve been through, okay? Please.
– Simply take this little tool.
– Please, I’ll be good. Come on, Johnathan, I’ll be good! – Find a groove. – Fuck you, Johnathan. In my next lifetime I’m
gonna give you 30, 40 dicks, each one smaller than the next. (computer powers down) – Ta-da! – [Man] I told you not to say that. – [Computer] Here we go! (computer chimes) Yeah, that’s all you, go ahead. – Wait. – That is your soul.
– What? – You love it, don’t you?
– I’m a…? – [Computer] Johnathan,
I think she likes it! – Is your machine making customers cry? – [Computer] Johnathan. – Are customers demanding a
refund at an alarming rate? As you can s… God. – You didn’t tell me it was actually gonna make me cry, asshole! – As you can see, the longer a
machine goes without a reset, the more inaccurate its reads become. Conversely, the more– – I don’t understand what this means. – The more resets a
machine has, the quicker it life degrades over each lifetime. – [Computer] A hive of angry bees. – We really don’t have
a solution for this. – You’re angry bees, okay?
– No fuck you, you’re angry bees! – Fuck, so yeah, just take this stick and keep jabbing him with it. – Jonathan, please be serious. – (sobs) Can I get my 50 bucks now? You guys, can I please
just get my 50 bucks now? This isn’t cool. – [Man] You really don’t
need to do that again. No, you don’t, just go. – (clears throat) Is your
machine addicted to the internet? – [Computer] No. – Is he starting arguments
with well-minded individuals in “nitch” online communities? – Niche.
– Is he contributing smut to publications?
– You found my Ziggy fanfic. – While we officially suggest
that you disconnect it from the internet, we
understand that the machine sometimes can be difficult to reason with. – [Computer] I just wanted
the poor bastard to get some. – Likewise, when you do
disconnect from a power source, it somehow manages to survive. – Infinite power!
– I mean, we don’t know what the fuck is going on.
– (laughs) You have no idea the work I’m doing on the Net. I have Nietzsche in my head, motherfucker!
– So we can take this little tool–
– Nietzsche, Nietzche, Nietzsche, Nietzsche,
Nietzsche, Nietzsche– (computer powers down) – (sighs) Fuck. This isn’t even my job. I’m hardware. – Gillian gone, this is your job. Try to remember that you built this thing. – (sighs)
– You can do it. And if you can’t, then I’ll find someone who will. (door opens) (door closes) (computer chimes) – [Gillian] Can you hear me? I suppose if you’re hearing this, you’ll want to know why I did what I did. – Gillian? – I used to believe in communication, and reducing ideas to their smallest parts so they could be understood,
but it’s ineffable. What does that mean, you ask? Means it can’t be effed, Gillian. – Do you hear me? Are you in there?
– It means there’s certain ideas that are incommunicable. Language, the language we
use is a code of sorts. – Gillian, please, please– – Even at our most eloquent–
– I don’t know what to do. – We’re only expressing
a fragment of an idea. And when we see each other,
even with the clearest of eyes– (computer powers down) (groaning, hitting computer) (sighs) (computer chimes) – [Computer] Hello, I
am the Mundi Machine. Together, we can find the
answer to your question. (ominous buzzing)