-Henry? Hi -What happened?
-Can I get you something to drink? -Some water would be nice -Sure Have a seat -Olivia, right? Yeah yeah we met at
the um at a bar last night -Henry I just want to say congratulations You have been selected for a
very exciting business opportunity -Okay uh no offense sorry I fell asleep on your floor
but I’m just gonna I’m not really interested in
what ever that is so Hey where is the um -Henry
-Hmm -Why don’t you come here Henry you’ve been selected to represent
your species in what is almost certainly the biggest trade agreement in the
history of your planet -My planet? -Gotta show you something real quick -Sorry I’m gonna Sorry
-Don’t be Disgust is a very very common reaction
I try not to take it personally -Oh that’s you? -We find on contact that species are more
comfortable negotiating with a representative that looks and speaks just like them So. My client is looking
to make an acquisition A very big one and we would love it if
you helped broker the deal -And what are your clients looking to acquire? -Your oceans -Oceans
-Yeah -Our oceans are not for sale -I’m confident we’ll get to a YES on this
-Why is that? -Well I do hate this part but under the terms of the treaty governing
this region we’re first bound to conduct a good
faith negotiation with a qualified representative of the affected species -So I’m the qualified-
and this is the good faith negotiation? -Exactly. Thing is if talks break down
in the treaty we do have the right to begin expropriation
proceedings -Ex-pro.. what is that? You’re just gonna take it?
-Between us you’re much better off just making a deal with my client
-This isn’t a negotiation at all this is this is extortion -In the long run we feel everyone benefits from an open and a fair trade policy -We don’t benefit. We
don’t benefit. We’re gonna die -Also we have five minutes left
-What? -That’ll cover the remaining time allotted in the treaty for the good-faith negotiation -No, what? This? No.
What do you mean, the whole thing? -Every species experience is the flow of
time differently so when we drew up the treaty everyone agreed this was like a
pretty reasonable amount -I can’t do this -Why don’t we talk terms
-No no -I understand your species
-No no listen I do traffic tickets You should be talking to the head of the UN or some big corporate… I’m not the greatest lawyer in the world
why would you pick me? -We’d love to take possession immediately My clients aren’t currently local to this system
but we do have a small wormhole we can just… -Oh Jesus
-…send the assets right through and we’re happy to dispose of any sea life that we find…
-I get it ….Or return it up to you -You didn’t pick me because I’m a good lawyer
you just had to pick someone I bet your little treaty there doesn’t say who you have to pick exactly
just as long as they’re qualified -There were a lot of variables that went into this
lots of moving parts -You stacked the deck -It’s only good business to take
advantage where we can -You know on your bad days you think
‘I’m the worst I’m the worst at my job’ In the back of your head you’re like
‘that can’t be true like statistically speaking that can’t actually be true
there has to be somebody worse out there’ -Henry Can I offer you a drink? With alcohol You like rum and cokes don’t you -Cuba Libre? It’s like the same thing only with lime in it -Here you go Thanks -So we understand that your personal
survivability post-acquisition is a sticking point and I shouldn’t be doing
this but I’m gonna offer you something very special
-Yeah? -We have a couple very lovely extra planetary habitats that are floating around that we’re just not using what’s -What’s that? Extra planetary..
Is that like a Space Station? -Yeah and they could easily be retrofitted for your species needs and frankly desires.
We could give you one the size of a small city You could bring a couple thousand
people with you -And I wouldn’t..Would I have to tell them what happened? -You could tell them whatever you want -So I could tell them I saved them.
That I swooped in last minute -You would be a hero.
Henry let’s do this I’m excited for you
Don’t you want to win for once? -I win sometimes well most of the time it’s when the cop
doesn’t bother to show up -Well we only have a few minutes left
-Wouldn’t be in business if it wasn’t for the no-shows -A wins a win -Is it? -We actually have a lot of paperwork to get through before we can -I’m just gonna take a look at this real quick Yeah here we go statute concerning the
appropriation of assets this deal -This deal expires in 60 seconds -The expropriating party will have the The expropriating party will have the right to commence a formal hearing in the jurisdiction of the opposing party…in the jurisdiction
of the opposing party that’s So that means that your clients
actually have to appear here today to begin the negotiations -Well that’s a minor detail
-And you said they were not local to this system is that correct?
-Yes -And so if I agreed you would just use your wormhole dealies and you would suck up all the oceans and that would be that -By the end of the day yes
-Earlier you said that every alien species experiences the flow of time differently
so approximately how long would it take for your clients to present themselves
here? -As you experience it? -Yeah -Three million years
-Mm-hmm they’re gonna no-show -You know what, I’m just gonna wait until they show up What was that -I’m sorry that was really unprofessional of me -So does that…Are you um…what’s happening? -Congratulations on a successful negotiation -I won? Is that what you’re saying? I won?
I won, really? Yeah You’re not gonna kill me now are you? -No I’ll send you back to the bar where we found you Have another drink you deserve it -You’re just not used to losing yeah that’s all -Well, this was supposed to be an easy one It was all set up -Oh -You know I used to be the best in the business This job is so lonely Nobody sees my true form without being
utterly repulsed it’s humiliating -I wasn’t repulsed It was just scary -Well, you haven’t had a win in so long Why do you think I’m on water duty?
Trust me there are better gigs out there -Believe me I’ve been there Look I know you almost just
destroyed all life on my planet but If you ever want to talk give me a call -As long as you promise not to try to kill
us all again -You know I did make one mistake You’re not the worst lawyer in
the world You know if you’re ever tired of traffic tickets Our firm is looking for a representative
in this solar system -Oh -Here You can fax me. They work quite
well over cosmic distances And Henry? If it’s okay with you I…
I might just take you up on that talk