We’re spaceships! And we’re gonna destroy you! Alright everyone, let’s blow stuff up! Get back here right now! No! Aren’t you the general? Why don’t you just order all the ships back? Nah. Alright everyone not a main character… Try not to die! Maclunkey!!!! Oh no! Who’s gonna blow up stuff now?! I’ll do it! I just need to get the switch! OH noooo! I missed it! Just kidding! I actually caught it! You know what to do! G G Man I’m the best leader! Uh oh! Mr. Snoke They got away I’m not liking the news I’m hearing. Just kidding! We actually know where they are! Hello Master Skywalker! I brought you your lightsaber! Is it the green one? Um…. no? I wanted the green one! Luke! Come out! No! Come on! Pretty Please? I said no! Whoa! Did you bring Chewy? Yeaaaaaah! It just occured to me that I don’t like your helmet. Ugh I’m so mad! You don’t like my helmet? I don’t like your elevator! Everyone’s gonna make fun of me because they can see my face now! Don’t look at me! Come back and save the resistance! Nah. Ugh! What else could you possibly be doing? Time for a montage Drinking milk and wait a second… What was that? Did he just drink out of that big ole alien? What the heck’s that alien? Why are we even looking at this? This is totally distracting now! I thought we were trying to do a montage Now I can’t get this thing out of my head. Ow! You’re fired! what? why? You can’t just go around blowing everything up! Why? That’s basically all we ever do! General! They found us! Go blow’em up! No I’m gonna blow you up! Oh no they blew us up! Whew I lived! Now I’m gonna blow up everybody! and not just the men… But the women and the children too! Ben? Is that you? (gasp) Mommy! If you kill us you are so grounded young man! Mom! Ugh fine. I wont do it. You can’t ground us! Oh poop. They got me…. Just kidding! I’m Carrie Poppins, Y’all! Oden sleep. Well that was crazy! Lets never talk about that again. Are you eating Doug? Yeaaaaaaah! Good! None of us liked Doug anyway!
Yeah Doug was a jerk! What? Were you watching me sleep? hmm mmm maybe. That’s creepy. Do you do that often? I don’t want to talk about it. All the commanders are dead. So look at me I’m the captain now. Really? What’s your plan? Shut up! I don’t have to answer to you! Okay! I’m so gonna start a mutiny now. I’m gonna take an escape pod! Oh no you don’t! We gotta go on an adventure together! We have a plan! We’re gonna go find a hacker! In the words of the late emperor… Who I’m sure we’ll never see again! Do it! And slide to the left! Are you dancing? (gasp) you can see me?! Of course I can! anything you can do I can do better. Nuh uh! Stop it! Talk to the hand! The first lesson in being a jedi… Is don’t go to the dark side. Like this? Weeeeeeeeeee! Man I am really bad at this. We’re here!
Time to find that hacker! Where should we park?
It doesn’t matter. Parking violation! Jail time! Oh man! How are we gonna find a hacker now? I’m a hacker! I wouldn’t lie to you. I’m in jail! wow. A hacker was in our jail cell the whole time! How convenient! Now we gotta escape! How about me? Okay! You’re stealing my ride! I don’t think so! NO! It’s ok! Looooook! Oooooh Yeaaaaah. Weeeeeeeeee
Now this is pod racing! And thanks for freeing us instead of the human children! Any time! Lets go back to the skywalker saga! Ugh! Not again! See something you like? Leave me alone! No! You’re gonna learn my tragic backstory! One night, when I was sleeping… My uncle Luke just decided to kill me! That doesn’t seem on brand. Don’t believe me? Just go ask the darkside. Okay! Hello Darkside! Are you in there? Yes. Weeeeeeeeeeee! This is weird. Mommy? Daddy? Is that you? It’s me! That’s tough. Wanna hold hands? I thought you’d never ask. Rey? You better not be talking to a boy in there! Oh my gosh! This isn’t what it looks like! You know the rules! You’re expelled! Okay boomer! Rrrrr I’m so mad! I’m gonna burn down the magic force tree! Mmmm dumb that is. Dumb you are. (gasp) Jedi Master Yoda! Just kidding! Burn it I will! (yoda laugh) I’m so confused. Hello! I’m looking for a Kylo Ren! Has anyone seen him? Hola Senorita! Hey hot stuff! yeah… about that. You’re under arrest! Oh poop. The mutiny has begun! Ugh… yuck. And nothings gonna stop us now! Man I’m so good at this mutiny! Shut up! Alright. All we have to do is disable the tracker. I have a bad feeling about our hacker friend. I think he’s gonna betray us. I’m not gonna betray you! Freeze rebels! Just kidding. I betrayed you. It’s time to abandon ship! Lets go! Someone has to stay behind. I guess I’ll do it. You know we have auto pilot right? yeah. but I’d rather go be in Jurassic World 3. Clever girl. Hello Rey! My name’s Snoke, and I’m big. Uh…. good for you? What? It’s not my fault i’m thing biggest smarty in all the land! No one can out smart me! Oh! Just kidding. I’m dead. That’s for not liking my helmet! Oh my torso! Are you a good guy now? Hehe. you know it. Hooray! I knew you’d change! Just kidding. I’m still a bad guy. What!? wanna hold hands? Want to give me back my lightsaber? NO that’s mine! give it back! You will now be executed! But I wanna make it hurt first! Cut off their heads! But if you cut off our heads first how is that gonna hurt? Don’t tell me what to do! I got the need… The need for lightspeed! Uh oh! Holdo, out! Wow. That would’ve been really powerful if that was a character we cared about. We lived? How improbable! Not so fast! Death to all humans! Death to all humans! Uh… BB-8? Skynet aint got nothin on me! Oh no I’m dead! Just kidding you’re dead! Come on you idiot! we have to go! The ship is exploding! Weeeeeeeeee!
Now this is pod racing! Oh no! The badguys are coming because this movie needs to have some walkers in it! Go blow’em up. Oh yeaaaaaah. Alright everyone not a main character… Try not to die! Maclunkey! Oh no! We’re all gonna die! Retreat! What? Character development! Well I aint retreating anymore! Hello Boys! I’m baaaaaaack
I love Yoooooooooou! Oh she’s back! Dude, why did you do that?! I was gonna sacrifice myself for everyone! You just doomed us all! Mmmm. That’s hot! (smooch) What? We literally just met! We’re gonna get married…. and have lots of babies! Where is this coming from? Welp the door is open. We’re screwed. I’m back! Did you miss me? Luke! Where have you been? Tosche Station. Finally picked up those power converters. You’re really kissing me right now? Well at least it’s not on the mouth this time. Oh my! Have you actually kissed on the mouth? Oh dear. How’d he get in here? He’s probably a ghost! That’s dumb. You’re dumb. Hey Ben! It’s your uncle, Luke. Skywalker. Look I’ve been thinking a lot lately… And I think the whole watching you while you sleep thing was just a big misunderstanding! you missed me! Noooooo! Now dust off for the meme Fine! I’ll just fight you myself! I really think you have anger issues! Why can’t I hit you? Okay fine. I’ll let you stab me. Yeah… Just kidding.
What!? I’m not even here. I’ve been destracting you, ya Nerf Herder! Now we can all escape! Noooooooooo! Well that was fun. guess it’s time to become a force ghost now. I wonder if my metal hand will come with me. (clank) Wup. Guess not. I didn’t forget to hug you this time. Yeaaaaaaaah! Hello fellow main character! Who are you? Yeah we probably should’ve met before the end of the second movie. How can we fight the first order now? Oh I don’t know. We’ll think of something. Now let’s wrap this up with a classic star wars group shot! Just kidding! It’s gonna end with me! Me and my broom! (dog barking)