State of the Union 2019: Uncancelled – LIVE | The Daily Show

State of the Union 2019: Uncancelled – LIVE | The Daily Show


Welcome to The Daily Show. I’m Trevor Noah. And welcome to our live
State of the Union show. That’s right, we’re live,
100% live. (cheering) Super live. Do you know how live it is?
Do you know how live it is? I can tell you the time
right now. It’s 11:02. I couldn’t fake that.
I could not fake that. Anyway, just a few minutes ago,
President Trump finished his second
State of the Union address. And, yes, his tie was crooked
when he walked in. Trump walked past 600 people and not a single one of them
had the balls to tell him. In fact, at some point,
Mike Pence was like, “This is the way ties should be
from now on.” I guess we should grateful
his fly wasn’t open. Now, now, remember, this speech
was supposed to happen a week ago, but it was postponed because of the government
shutdown, which is good, because it gave Trump extra time to practice mispronouncing
big words. But the show had to go on, because,
for the political world, this is the biggest day
of the year. Almost everyone who was
important was there. For example, the Supreme Court
justices were in attendance. Brett Kavanaugh celebrated
his first State of the Union, and it looks like
he came prepared. Yeah, look at that. In fact, he made it through
the whole speech, and only puked twice. Yeah. He really has grown. Oh, and as for all, uh, the
other Supreme Court justices, they just wore
their normal robes. Uh, and like Congressman
Steve King, who you saw, he was wearing his normal robe,
that’s what that was. Yeah. Now, many people were asking
where was Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Right? She wanted to come,
but Democrats forced her to stay home in one of those
safety orbs from Jurassic Park. That’s what they did.
They were like, “Please, just stay safe, R.
Please.” Now, there’s a tradition
at the State of the Union for the president
and for members of Congress to invite some special guests
to sit in the chamber. Now, usually, the guest’s chosen to help make a political point
of some kind. And this year was no different. Some Democrats
have invited guests to send a message
to the president. From undocumented immigrants who have worked
on Trump properties, to workers who were furloughed during the last
government shutdown, and transgender service members. TV REPORTER: The president
invited Joshua Trump. He’s a Delaware sixth-grader,
and because he’s often bullied for having the same last name,
he was invited. Yeah. This is the
State of the Union, but really, it’s just an excuse
for people to troll each other. Right? Democrats invited
undocumented immigrants who worked for Trump,
and then on the other side, to try to show how intolerant
the radical left is, Trump invites an 11-year-old boy
who gets bullied, yeah, just because
his last name is Trump. So both sides are trolling
each other so hard, I’m surprised that the Democrats
didn’t invite the kid’s bully. You know? Just Chuck Schumer
up there like, “My special guest tonight
is a ten-year-old “they call Knuckles,
one of the top bullies around. He ripped the underwear
straight off my body.” You got to admit, though,
inviting this kid is a pretty savvy move
by Trump, right? It combines two major goals
of his family: Melania’s campaign
to stop bullying, and Donald’s campaign
to replace Eric. Now, another custom
on State of the Union night is that one cabinet member
does not attend the speech, and is instead taken
to a secure location in case something catastrophic
happens during the speech, and someone is needed
to run the government. No one knows where that is, except for the Postmates guy
who delivers his food. And tonight, that cabinet member
is Rick Perry. Yes, that’s right. If everyone was gone,
Rick Perry would have been the president
of the United States. Yeah, which is fine. I mean, he fulfills our new
requirement for president: he’s been on a reality show;
it works. And here at The Daily Show, we
didn’t take any chances either. Right. We had our own
designated comedy survivor, Ronny Chieng, everybody,
just in case the State of the Union
was catastrophically unfunny. We actually had Ronny
in a secure location watching something else on TV,
so that no matter what, we would have stuff to joke
about during our live show. So give it up for Ronny Chieng,
everybody. -Ronny. -Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, Trevor. -Thank you so much for being
out there. -Thank you. Uh… How did it go? Oh, it was incredible, Trevor. I sat in this damn bunker
by myself and watched the only other thing
on at 9:00 p.m., a rerun of Property Brothers. Uh, you want to hear the
backup jokes I came up with? -Well, we don’t need the jokes
anymore. -Okay, here goes. Uh, the most– You ever notice how one of the brothers
always looks “business” and the other one
always looks casual, but they both always look
like douche bags? Yeah? No? All right. Uh, the most stunning reveal
of this show is that neither of these
creepy-ass dudes ate their twin in the womb. Am I right? Yeah. Uh, honestly, uh,
the rest of these jokes are just about how all twins
are kind of weird. “Oh, look, it’s another me.
Oh, wow. Cool. It’s like a mirror who can trick
my wife into (bleep) him.” Okay, okay,
that’s probably good enough. Ronny Chieng, everybody. I’m glad we didn’t need
to put those jokes on the show. (applause) Now, luckily, we didn’t need
more of Ronny’s jokes because,
like most of Trump’s speeches, this one did have
its funny moments. So let’s get into the speech. Honestly, by Trump standards, this was pretty chilled. Probably because Melania really
let him run around outside to tire himself out, you know? And speaking of Melania,
she is really popular. Madam Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, the First Lady
of the United States. (cheering and applause) Look at that. An immigrant got the first standing ovation
of the night. -I’m so proud.
-(cheering and applause) So proud. My baby. She be best. Everyone is like,
“You stay with her. Well done.
Ooh, we couldn’t do it.” And with all protocol observed,
the president then went on to tell us how great
he has made the United States. In just over two years
since the election, we have launched
an unprecedented economic boom. 5.3 million new jobs. 600,000 new manufacturing jobs. Wages are rising
at the fastest pace in decades. We are a net exporter of energy. We are considered far and away the hottest economy
anywhere in the world. “That’s right, folks.
The economy’s so hot. “So hot it could totally be
my daughter. So damn hot.” (laughter and applause) “So, so hot. Look at it.” (cheering and applause) But Trump had a point
with all of this. Basically,
what he was saying was, “What with the economy
being so hot, it would be a shame if something
were to happen to it.” An economic miracle is taking
place in the United States, and the only thing
that can stop it are foolish wars, politics or ridiculous
partisan investigations. If there is going to be peace
and legislation, there cannot be war
and investigation. Okay, that didn’t make sense,
but it rhymed? I wonder if Trump just wrote
a bunch of rhymes to try and stop
the investigation. He was just sitting
in front of the mirror like, “Life is fuller
without Robert Mueller. “Any collusion is an illusion. “If you lock up the orange… Nothing rhymes with orange.
Okay.” But look, man.
Bragging about the economy and denying collusion– that’s just how Trump begins
anything he says. You know,
even when he orders McDonald’s, he’s probably like,
“No collusion, “millions of new jobs, and give me three apple pies,
please.” But all of that positive stuff is just his way
of clearing his throat, right? The real theme of his speech
was that we’re all gonna die… Mexican-style. As we speak,
large, organized caravans are on the march
to the United States. Ruthless coyotes,
cartels, drug dealers. Human traffickers
and sex traffickers. Criminal illegal aliens. Child smuggling. The savage gang MS-13. 4,000 killings or murders. Sadistic traffickers. Very dangerous border. The president will be available
for children’s parties if you want to book him, folks. Seriously, this part
of the speech was so scary, he should have
just been doing it with a flashlight
under his chin. “They’re coming. MS-13!” But before you feel dejected,
my friends, the president
has some good news. You see,
these problems can all go away for the low, low price
of $5.7 billion. In the past,
most of the people in this room voted for a wall, but the proper wall
never got built. I will get it built. With a powerful barrier
in place, El Paso is one
of the safest cities in our country. Simply put, walls work,
and walls save lives. (cheering and applause) Really, Mr. President?
Walls save lives? Tell that to Humpty Dumpty. He could have been
an Instagram star. Now he’s just a frittata
with 27 likes. Now, this was
a super long speech. Like, way, way longer
than usual. It was so long,
Nancy Pelosi got bored and just started looking through
the menu halfway through. Like, what is she doing? I kept expecting a waiter
to come over with an order of buffalo wings. Just be like,
“Here you go, ma’am.” “Thank you!” But, eventually, there was
one issue that woke up everybody and brought
the whole room together. We have more women
in the workforce than ever before. (cheering and applause) Don’t sit yet.
You’re gonna like this. (laughter) We also have more women
serving in Congress than at any time before. (cheering and applause) ALL:
USA! USA! USA! USA! (chuckles): Yo, Donald Trump
is a rock star, guys. He just took credit for the
Democrats electing more women. That is such
a rock-and-roll move! (cheering and applause) “Look at what we’ve done, folks! Look at what we’ve done!” I mean, to be fair,
Donald Trump has done more to get women Democrats elected
than anyone else, so I guess he does deserve
the credit? Yeah, it’s the same way
we should thank smallpox for getting us into vaccines. You know how it goes. Oh, and we should also be
thankful to the president for keeping all of us out
of hypothetical wars. If I had not been elected
president of the United States, we would, right now,
in my opinion, be in a major war
with North Korea. -MAN: Yeah!
-(applause) “But thanks to me, folks, “Kim Jong-un has walked
all over the United States, “built more missile silos, “and given us nothing in return. “They can’t go to war with you “if you’ve already surrendered,
folks. I did it! I did it!” It’s a brilliant line
of reasoning, right, where he’s like,
“In my opinion.” Yeah, yeah, in your opinion,
anything can be right. He’s not wrong.
In my opinion, we would– Yeah, in-in my opinion,
if Hillary won, we would all be strawberries.
That’s my opinion. I can’t be wrong. So, all in all, this was one
of Trump’s tamer speeches, believe it or not. Border wall,
illegal immigration, economy’s doing great,
#NoCollusion– same old, same old. Yeah, it was
pretty much along party lines. If you’re a Democrat,
you stayed in the same place. If you’re a Republican,
you stayed in the same place. But there was one thing
we can all agree on: he read really well. Yeah. He’s really improved. Like, I don’t know if he’s ready
for a second term, but he’s definitely ready
for the second grade. I’m so proud of him. (cheering and applause) And, and, to his credit, he tried to end the speech
on a presidential note. I ask the men and women
of this Congress, look at the opportunities
before us. Our most thrilling achievements are still ahead. Our most exciting journeys still await. Our biggest victories are still to come. We have not yet begun to dream. That’s right, folks. We have not yet begun to dream. In other words, the nightmare is just beginning.

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  1. Trevor Noah, your joke is not funny. You are disgrace to make comedy like this. So low class. I hope your show bankrupt and all those who claps on your stupid jokes.

  2. Personally I’m just enjoying watching Nancy Pelosi’s subtle reactions to all the shit coming out of Trump’s mouth. 😂😂

  3. Yes, in my logic Mr. Trump should be commended for having "more women in congress", because Democrats ran on "HATE-TRUMP" agenda, so basically Mr.Trump is the one who energized, motivated and organized the Democrats than Bil,Hillary, Michell and Obama, combined can put together. That is the irony, lot of people fail to understand, and use this kind of spin and gloss over the reality.

  4. Must be awakward have that ovation ceremony for you just being with someone. And there over there, the person he sleeps with! and pays taxes with and shit. [applause]

  5. OMG get over ur self, damn Cheeto puff smeared racist why is the 1st Lady not from America??? you Wana boot everyone out start wit her 💯😸. Love Trevor funny as hell 😂

  6. DOnald Trump saying "if I wasn't elected President, we would be in a war with North Korea." is funny because he almost got us into war with them.

  7. U r too good. But it’s like too much heckling of Trump as if other presidents of US were extra ordinarily outstanding. We want to see you talking about other presidents unless you were asked to go against only Republicans.

  8. Next State of the Union address, whereas a person is being by their last name, invite Teanna Trump. I mean Trump already has a history with pornstars, Im sure having a black one around wouldnt hurt, right?

  9. He's such a ACTOR/CELEBRITY. Can't believe he's president till this day. The Movie Idiocracy hit the the nail on the head🔨. It's so fucking WWE lol. Look who wants to be president next…Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson…Real Life President Camacho💪🏽

  10. The polar opposite expressions on Pence's and Pelosi's faces are hilarious. Pence be like "Yeah, you're darn right." And Pelosi is just like "This is such bullsh!t."

  11. I was shock, I know this video by now is offline, but when Trevor said "It's live now at 11:02" it is at 11:02 jakarta time…

  12. I can't believe Trevor missed the oppurtunity of making fun of the look Trump gave Melania at 5:21 saying:"see I didn't forget you this time".

  13. https://ksr-ugc.imgix.net/assets/015/724/257/eeac96de0373c47f93372d63495fa868_original.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&w=40&h=40&fit=crop&v=1488533890&auto=format&frame=1&q=92&s=fca969eec624915cb86f30e91eacf562

  14. U dumb orange shit how do you think Mexico feels cus your dumb orange ass says there coming through Mexico not from. Ass WIPE.

  15. when he said the time was 11:02 I freaked tf out bc I'm watching this two months after it came out and the clock just turned to 11:02

  16. I cannot even believe that mother fucker actually TOOK CREDIT for women being in congress…
    Unless he means how his idiots over at Fox News kept attacking AOC and giving her coverage then…I guess?
    Wow.

  17. WHAT THE FUCK Trump was just shit talking my city, El Paso, despite the fact that we are one of the safest cities in the country as a reason to build the wall, now he's using us the opposite way to say it works here, this is why we need a wall. the fuck

  18. I just found a way to scare my future kids when they through tantrums…

    " if you don't stop crying the caravan will come get you "

  19. At 9 minutes in on this clip, trump says El Paso is the safest city. We just got a report, months later on Saturday, August 3, 2019, one of his followers committed mass murder of 20 and 26 more injured in El Paso. We are unsafe from trump and his followers, because of his immigrant hate stoking

  20. What do we do about the terrorists on this side… El Paso was not safe…should racists be thrown over the wall… how is that going to work?

  21. Well we have thousands of people in General America coming for Carvanans. Democrats say these people are fleeing violence, as it is considered the most dangerous place on earth. But then they deny that is dangerous due to MS13, Drug cartels and evil men, then Democrats turn around and say it is not so. Such Hypnotics

  22. It’s funny how this bastard says El Paso is safe yet it suffered a horrible mass shooting and it’s ironic how this piece of fucking dog shit has the nerve to claim my people have violent intentions when it was a “white man” who slaughtered innocent lives in EL PASO over this FUCKING DIRTBAG PIECES OF SHIT IDEOLOGY CLAIMING MY PEOPLE ARE INVADING America MAKING IT SOUND LIKE ALL MEXICANS ARE GOING TO KILL AMERICANS fuck outta here ON GOD I WILL MURDER TRUMP AND EVERY LAST RACIST ASS WHITE SUPREMACY DICK HEAD KEEP PLAYING NIGGA I GOT THE BLICKY FOR U BITCH ASS U ORANGE MUTHA FUCKA

  23. why don't the dems get into the program and accept the fact trump won he is the b est press we have ever had for the past 75-100 years

  24. Trevor please watch out about asia north korea subject. Where Korea, Japan, China, Russia, Whole East Asia, US all very delicately touching together. This will be the first chance for North Korea be in peace opening many lives and economy. Where US and Japan usually have been not a supporter of this since of many gains and control by having easy enemy. World gotta go towards peace.

  25. makes sense now since all three are taking place: war(Syria coming soon); politics; and investigations. he salting the earth now bc he's going to be impeached

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