Stephen Colbert Is “Darrylgorn” In The Next Installment Of The “Lord Of The Rings” Saga

Stephen Colbert Is “Darrylgorn” In The Next Installment Of The “Lord Of The Rings” Saga


FOLKS, ALL THIS
WEEK, I HAVE BEEN SHARING WITH YOU MY INCREDIBLE
TRIP TO NEW ZEALAND. IT’S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL AND
MAGICAL COUNTRY THAT I’M NOT SURPRISED IT WAS USED AS THE
LOCATIONS FOR MIDDLE EARTH IN THE “LORD OF THE RINGS” AND “THE
HOBBIT” TRILOGIES. AS YOU MAY KNOW, WRITER AND
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON ACTUALLY CAST ME IN “THE HOBBIT: THE
DESOLATION OF SMAUG.” I HAD THE VERY IMPORTANT ROLE OF
“LAKETOWN SPY.” ( LAUGHTER )
SO WHEN I WAS BACK IN NEW ZEALAND, I SAT DOWN WITH MY
CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND, PETER JACKSON, AND TALKED WITH HIM
ABOUT THE NEXT LOGICAL STEP IN THE “LORD OF THE RINGS” MOVIE
FRANCHISE. JIM?>>STEPHEN: PETER JACKSON
INVITED ME TO HIS TOP SECRET WAREHOUSE, WHERE HE KEEPS ALL
THE ORIGINAL PRICELESS MINIATURE SETS USED IN “LORD OF THE
RINGS.” PETER, THANKS FOR HAVING US DOWN
TO YOUR STUDIO HERE IN WELLINGTON.>>IT’S FANTASTIC.>>STEPHEN: NOW, AS EVERYONE
KNOWS, I APPEARED IN “THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF
SMAUG.”>>YEAH, YEAH. ♪
♪ ♪
>>STEPHEN: NOW, YOU HAVE DECADES OF EXPERIENCE–
DIRECTING. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE MY
SIX-SECOND APPEARANCE ON SCREEN?>>WELL, I HAVE TO PROFOUND. YOU TOOK IT VERY SERIOUSLY. YOU TOOK IT MORE SERIOUSLY THAN
I THOUGHT YOU WOULD.>>STEPHEN: I THINK I TOOK IT
MORE SERIOUSLY THAN YOU DID.>>I THINK YOU TOOK IT MORE
SERIOUSLY THAN ANY ACTOR IN THE FILM.>>STEPHEN: WHAT WAS YOUR
FAVORITE MOMENT? WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT
FROM MY PERFORMANCE? WAS IT WHEN MY EYE PATCH–
>>WHEN THE EYE PATCH FELL, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.>>STEPHEN: –FELL THAT TIME? YEAH, YEAH.>>THAT WAS– THAT WAS– THAT’S
A SKILL.>>STEPHEN: THANK YOU.>>PEOPLE JUST SAY LINES, AND
THEY CAN– THEY CAN WALK AROUND, BUT JUST TO DO THAT WITH ONE
LITTLE FLICK, THAT’S LIKE– THAT’S AN ACTOR USING THEIR
COSTUME IN– IN AN EMOTIONAL WAY.>>STEPHEN: THEIR INSTRUMENT.>>UH-HUH.>>STEPHEN: YOU KNOW, BEING BACK
HERE GIVES ME AN IDEA. AND HEAR ME OUT BEFORE YOU SAY,
YES, YES, ABSOLUTELY YES. WHAT IF WE SPUN OFF MY
CHARACTER, LAKETOWN SPY, INTO HIS OWN SERIES OF TRILOGIES? WHAT ABOUT THIS FOR A BACK
STORY? MY CHARACTER IS ACTUALLY
ARAGORN’S SLIGHTLY HOTTER TWIN BROTHER, DARRYLGORN, THE TRUE
HEIR TO THE THRONE OF GONDOR. AND I THINK IT’S KIND OF
BELIEVABLE BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE GO– YOU KNOW, WHEN I’M
WALKING ON THE STREETS IN NEW YORK, THEY GO, “ARE YOU VIGGO
MORTENSEN?” AND I GO, “NO, I’M NOT.” AND THEY GO– THEY GO, “STOP
MESSING WITH ME.” I GO, “I PROMISE YOU, I’M NOT
VIGGO MORTENSEN.” IN WHAT WAYS DO I REMIND YOU OF
VIGGO? AS A PROFESSIONAL, AS A
DIRECTOR. YOU’VE DIRECTED BOTH OF US.>>I REMIND– WELL– VERY– VERY
LITTLE, IN FACT, WHICH IS GOOD. BECAUSE YOU’RE ORIGINAL. YOU’RE– YOU’RE ONE-OFF, YOU–
YOU’RE NOT– YOU’RE NOTHING LIKE VIGGO.>>STEPHEN: WHAT I WANT TO ASK
YOU IS, OBVIOUSLY, I– I HEAR THE YES, BUT, WOULD YOU WANT TO
DIRECT THIS MOVIE?>>WELL, LOOK– NO.>>STEPHEN: OKAY. ( LAUGHTER )
LET’S PUT THAT ON HOLD FOR A SECOND. OKAY, LET’S PUT THE NO ASIDE. AND PUT IT IN A LITTLE BOX
CALLED YES. AND THEN CLOSE THE LID AND LOCK
IT AND LEAVE IT RIGHT THERE, OKAY? SO YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THE
ANSWER IS RIGHT NOW. IT SAYS LIKE, IT SAYS YES ON THE
BOX. WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THE ANSWER
IS, BECAUSE WE KNOW, IT’S RATTLING AROUND TRYING TO GET
OUT.>>THERE’S A NO INSIDE IT, BUT.>>STEPHEN: THERE’S A NO INSIDE
THE YES BOX, BUT RIGHT NOW WE CAN’T TELL THAT BECAUSE WE’VE
LOCKED IN–>>NO, OKAY.>>STEPHEN: YOU’RE KNOWN FOR
YOUR CAMEOS. WELL, YOU’RE– YOU’RE THE–
CARROT MAN IN BREE. IN “THE TWO TOWERS,” YOU THROW A
ROCK OR A SPEAR OUT AT THE URUK-HAI COMING UP TO HELM’S
DEEP. IN “THE RETURN OF THE KING,” YOU
GOT SHOT WITH AN ARROW ON ONE OF THE BLACK SHIPS, THE CORSAIRS OF
UMBAR. WHAT IF I COULD OFFER YOU A
GRATUITOUS CAMEO?>>WOW. I– YEAH, OKAY, WELL, I– I
MIGHT HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF SOME TIME– AS LONG AS WE CAN SHOOT
FAST.>>STEPHEN: GREAT, BECAUSE WE
ALREADY MADE THE TRAILER. JIM?>>STEPHEN: I CANNOT TELL YOU
FROM WHENCE I CAME OR WHAT MY ERRAND MAY BE. KNOW ONLY THIS, I AM CALLED THE
LAKETOWN SPY. MAYHAPTH YOU RECOGNIZE MY VISAGE
FROM “THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG.” NOTHING? YOU KNOW WHO SMAUG IS, RIGHT? DRAGON. BIG GUY. HARD TO MISS. BREATHES FIRE. LIKE DRAGONS DO. AND HE DESOLATED EVERYTHING. I WAS IN THAT. IT WAS KIND OF A BIG DEAL.>>FIRST THERE WAS “THE LORD OF
THE RINGS” TRILOGY. THEN, “THE LORD OF THE RINGS”
EXTENDED CUT. THEN, “THE HOBBIT” TRILOGY. THEN, “THE HOBBIT” EXTENDED CUT. AND NOW, AFTER 1,179 MINUTES,
THE REAL SAGA FINALLY BEGINS.>>STEPHEN: LEGENDS HOLD THAT
ARAGORN HAD AN EVEN-MORE-RUGGEDLY HANDSOME
IDENTICAL TWIN. AND WHO MIGHT THAT BE? GUYS? COME ON, IT’S ME! I AM… DARRYLGORN.>>FROM THE MIND OF THE CREATOR
OF “LORD OF THE RINGS”‘S BIGGEST FAN.>>STEPHEN: …SO HE SAYS
“THAT’S NOT A TREE, THAT’S AN ENT.” AND I SAID, “NO WONDER ALL THIS
SYRUP TASTES FUNNY… COME ON! I WAS SEXUALLY PLEASURING A
TREE. OKAY.” (ARROW HITS DOOR)
OH, A TEXT FOR ME! OH, NO BIGGIE, JUST A MESSAGE
FROM BESTIE, GANDALF, ASKING ME TO SAVE MIDDLE EARTH… AGAIN.>>AN EPIC JOURNEY.>>HURRY!>>STEPHEN: HEY, GUYS, I REALLY
GOT A FEELING THAT THE ADVENTURE IS DOWN HILL. OH, YEAH, I HEAR THE BLACK
RIDERS. I’M GOING TO GO GIVE THEM ONE
FOR–>>GAR HON AL CEN EGOR NA HON
DOL LYST?>>HON THIA AL BE ARAGORN.>>STEPHEN: UH, GUYS, I SPEAK
ELVISH. I KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS WERE
SAYING. SOMETHING ABOUT ARAGORN. PRETTY SURE.>>THE GREATEST LOVER.>>I HAVE MADE MY CHOICE.>>STEPHEN: BUT YOU’RE ENGAGED
TO MY BROTHER. THERE IS NO HOPE FOR US.>>THERE IS STILL HOPE.>>STEPHEN: YOU MUST STAY WITH
HIM… AND JUST IMAGINE IT’S ME.>>(CRIES)
>>STEPHEN: SHHHHH. DON’T CRY. DON’T CRY, MY LOVE. OKAY, MAYBE JUST A QUICKIE– BUT
DON’T TELL HIM.>>THE GREATEST WARRIOR.>>STEPHEN: FORGED IN THE DEPTHS
OF TIME, IT IS KNOWN BY ITS ANCIENT NAME: “SWORDY
MCSWORDFACE.” WE HELD AN ONLINE CONTEST. IT WAS A BIG MISTAKE.>>THE GREATEST WIZARD.>>STEPHEN: HOLD IT IN YOUR
MIND, WORMTONGUE. HOLD IT. BUT DO NOT TELL ME. IS THIS YOUR CARD?>>THE GREATEST COMEDIAN.>>STEPHEN: …SO THEN I SAID:
“BOROMIR? I HARDLY KNOW HER.”>>(WEIRD SLOW LAUGH)
>>STEPHEN: YOU LIKE THAT ONE? HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT THE
GUY WHO MILKS THE ENT?>>THE GREATEST FAN.>>STEPHEN: AND I KNOW EVERYBODY
THINKS THAT SAURON DEFEATED ARAGORN WHEN ARAGORN LOOKED
THROUGH THE PALANTIR. BUT HERE’S WHAT ACTUALLY
HAPPENED– ARAGORN CONFRONTS SAURON USING THE PALANTIR OF
ORTHANC SO SAURON THINKS THAT ARAGORN HAS DEFEATED SARUMAN AND
TAKEN THE PALANTIR FOR HIS OWN AS THE HEIR OF ELENDIL. BUT BY IMPLICATION, HE’S TAKEN
THE RULING RING, OKAY? SO, WHAT DOES SAURON DO? HE ATTACKS MINAS TIRRETH BEFORE
HE’S READY, MAN. HE GOT TOTALLY PLAYED BY
ARAGORN. I MEAN, ARAGORN’S ALL UP IN
SAURON’S HEAD. OR GIANT, YOU KNOW, FLAMING
EYEBALL. WHATEVER IT IS. ANYWAY, I ATTACK WITH A
LONGSWORD. 10 POINTS DAMAGE. YOUR INITIATIVE.>>THE FILM EVERYONE IS TALKING
ABOUT.>>”A GRIPPING MYSTERY… AS TO
WHY THIS WAS MADE.” VARIETY.>>”THERE’S NO MOVIE I WON’T
BLURB.” SAYS PETER TRAVERS, ROLLING
STONE.>>”CEASE AND DESIST.” J.R.R. TOLKIEN’S ESTATE.>>A LEGENDARY CAST, STARRING
STEPHEN COLBERT.>>STEPHEN: FRODO, YOU DROPPED
YOUR RING! I DON’T REALLY SEE WHAT THE BIG
DEAL IS. IT’S NOT BEING CORRUPTED BY
ABSOLUTE EVIL… WHOOP! THERE IT GOES! OH, YEAH, OH! I, DARRYLGORN THE GREAT, WILL
CREATE A DOMINION THAT WILL RULE FOR ALL… I’M JUST KIDDING, YOU
GUYS, I’M JUST JOKING WITH YOU GUYS. IT DOESN’T ACTUALLY WORK THAT
FAST. WHOOP! NOW IT’S KICKING IN!>>AND INTRODUCING SIR PETER
JACKSON AS HIS LOYAL SERVANT, GRATUITOUS OF CAMEO.>>LET US JOURNEY ON TOWARDS THE
LAND KNOWN AS HOGWARTS, WHERE WE SHALL BE SORTED BY THE MAGIC
HAT!>>STEPHEN: OKAY, THAT’S “HARRY
POTTER.”>>QUIDDITCH? THAT’S MIDDLE EARTH. THE GREY WIZARD, DUMBLEDORE?>>STEPHEN: HAVE YOU NEVER READ
THESE BOOKS?>>THERE ARE BOOKS?>>AND, REPRISING HIS ROLE AS
GANDALF, IAN MCKELLEN–>>ABSOLUTELY NOT!>>AND ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE,
VIGGO MORTENSEN MAKES HIS TRIUMPHANT RETURN AS ARAGORN. I SAID, REPRISING HIS ROLE AS
ARAGORN, ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE, VIGGO MORTENSEN.>>STEPHEN, STOP. STOP SENDING THESE CAMERA GUYS
AFTER ME ALL OVER THE WORLD.>>STEPHEN: SO, YOU’RE NOT DOING
IT?>>NO, I CAN’T DO IT. I ALREADY TOLD YOU, AND IF YOU
KEEP ASKING ME I’M GOING TO HAVE TO SIC MY LAWYERS ON YOU.>>OKAY… THEN, RETURNING AS FRODO
BAGGINS, ELIJAH WOOD!>>YEAH, (BLEEP) IT, I’M IN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>A FILM 20 YEARS IN THE MAKING SCHMG
>>CONCENTRATE, YOUNG PADAWAN. USE THE FORCE.>>STEPHEN: COME ON, MAN, THAT
IS “STAR WARS!” CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW EXPENSIVE
THIS SHOT LOOKS?>>STEPHEN COLBERT PRESENTS
PETER JACKSON’S “THE LORD OF THE RINGS” SERIES’ “THE HOBBIT: THE
DESOLATION OF SMAUG’S” “THE LAKETOWN SPY” IS DARRYLGORN, IN
“DARRYLGORN RISING: THE RISE OF DARRYLGORN.” THE PREQUEL TO PART ONE–
CHAPTER ONE.>>STEPHEN: AM I INVISIBLE? BECAUSE I CAN SEE ME. SHOULD I BE ABLE TO SEE ME IF
I’M INVISIBLE? AND THERE’S NOBODY HERE. OH, HERE COMES THE EVIL! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪>>STEPHEN: THANK YOU TO PETER
JACKSON! TOMORROW NIGHT, I EXPLORE THE
NATURAL BEAUTY OF NEW ZEALAND AND HAVE THE ADVENTURE OF A
LIFETIME! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK

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  1. Peter needs to try some Chia Seed conditioner on his hair, its ideal for fine hair to take away that frizzy look but light so doesn't make the hair flat and greasy.

  2. Just spent 2 weeks in NZ visiting some of the LoTR location. Stunningly beautiful place, I don’t blame Stephen for going back…

  3. I don't go to the cinema to watch movies, not worth it and too expensive but I would see this movie and also buy a large popcorn and a medium frozen coke.

  4. Having Colbert in Shire talking about fucking trees feels like having half-naked Madonna perform in a cathedral. Colbert is a boob.

  5. I was sitting here eating some soup, and nearly choked when peter says "there are books?", that laugh nearly killed me, but it was worth it.

  6. I find his gloating about him being the ultimate lotr fan sickening. I mean, besides for just annoying its also wrong. Any decent fan who has read the appendices know how much he is butchering some of those names, Tolkien literally told us how to pronounce names such as Smaug and Sauron, "au" as in sour not sore. Yet Mr. ultimate fan apparently never bothered to read the whole book

  7. I had some childhood trauma and ended up in all ways living on Terry Pratchett's Discworld. Tolkein's writing was too polite for me but loved the movies. Thank you Stephen for your fun and entertainment, with everything going on right now, you are one of the very few that brings comfort.

  8. Peter Jackson sitting through another pitch meeting like he had with Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn after Return Of The King came out, but this time the idea is brought to life

  9. Imagine getting to be a massive fandom nerd as part of your job. And then be known for it. Absolute Lord of the Rings fandom LEGEND.
    Take out the gross jokes and this is golden. "Cease and desist" really got me and the bit where he plays D&D.

  10. Hahaha this is hilarious. And not gonna lie when the screen popped up to play the trailer and an ad for Chevrolet started playing, that was funny.

  11. When he's not spending every waking second riding president Trump's nuttsac, he's actually funny when performing comedy.
    That's why I used to like him.

  12. That's since serious commitment to a self inserted fan fiction !! Funny as fuck, also adore the fact that Peter Jackson actually went along with it. Good on you Stephen.

  13. Stephen's next D&D character is going to be based off of Darrylgorn.

    And he is now an NPC in my next campaign I run

  14. Stephen Colbert finally made a trailer with as much expensive trolling as Jon Oliver, and I loved every second of it.

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