The Big Live Comedy Show – YouTube Comedy Week


KYLE MOONEY: Live from Los
Angeles, California, all the dreams come true, the Big Live
Comedy one with Eric Andre, Beardyman, Hannibal Buress,
Jerrod Carmichael, Shane Dawson, Jon Dore, Epic Rap
Battles of History, The Fine Brothers, Dax Flame, Garfunkel
and Oates, The Gregory Brothers, Pete Holmes, The Key
of Awesome, Kyle Kinane, Lil Bub, The Lonely Island, Jack
McBrayer, Harley Morenstein Rhett and Link, Seth Rogen, Jeff
Ross, Sarah Silverman, Smosh, Three Loco, Tim and Eric,
Toby Turner, Tummy Talk, Vince Vaughn, Reggie Watts,
Justin Willman, Owen Wilson, Workaholics Adam Devine and
Blake Anderson, Fidlar. She’s been called
the voice of a generation by Doodoo Magazine. Please welcome Sarah
Silverman. SARAH SILVERMAN: Come on,
there’s a lot of show. There’s a lot of show,
all right? Hey, everybody. It’s me, your friendly
neighborhood Sarah Silverman. And I’m here to say,
welcome to the Internet, the Wild West. You always hear people
say that, right? The Internet is like
the Wild West. That’s because it
is, all right? It’s totally unregulated. So I thought it would be cool
to see just how far we could go without any consequences. What do you think? All right. Well, for starters, I know that
it’s highly illegal to impersonate a federal
employee, all right? Oh shit, look at me. I am a mail man, you guys. I swear to God. I swear to God, I
am a mail man. I deliver mail for the United
States Postal Service. I cover the 03110 zip code of
Bedford, New Hampshire. And oh shit, look at this,
special delivery, y’all. Candy. Looks like Snickers. [APPLAUSE] SETH ROGEN: How’s it going? Good to see you. SARAH SILVERMAN: What’s up? SETH ROGEN: I want in on this. This looks fun. I want in on this action. SARAH SILVERMAN: Yeah,
let’s do it. SETH ROGEN: Yeah. I need in. I want in. SARAH SILVERMAN: What
do you got? SETH ROGEN: Tell you
what I’ve got. I got a bootlegged copy,
pirated, “Star Trek Into Darkness.” If the FBI knows we
watched this, we get five years right away. Let’s watch this. SARAH SILVERMAN: Let’s do it. SETH ROGEN: Nice. Let’s shove it in there. SARAH SILVERMAN: Perfect. SETH ROGEN: Sure, boom. SARAH SILVERMAN: All
right, it’s in. SETH ROGEN: OK, Play. Nice, it’s working. I love this. Greatest logo ever. Here we go. SARAH SILVERMAN: Bad Robot! SETH ROGEN: Oh, it’s working. This is great. Fucking eat my dick, FBI. SARAH SILVERMAN: Well
said, friend-o. SETH ROGEN: Thank
you very much. This is so much much. What else can we do? It’s so much fun. SARAH SILVERMAN: Yeah,
of course it’s fun. It’s like we can do
anything here. It’s delicious cyber anarchy. SETH ROGEN: It really is. ARMEN WEITZMAN: Here’s your
coffee, Mrs. Silverman. SARAH SILVERMAN: Oh,
thank you, Armen. ARMEN WEITZMAN: Thanks. SARAH SILVERMAN: Armen, wait,
let me give you a tip. ARMEN WEITZMAN: Oh,
thank you, a tip. SARAH SILVERMAN: You’re
a good guy, right? ARMEN WEITZMAN: Yeah. SARAH SILVERMAN: You’re a
sweet heart of a guy. ARMEN WEITZMAN: Thank you. SARAH SILVERMAN: Eat it. Eat a fucking dick. SETH ROGEN: Oh my God! SARAH SILVERMAN: Eat
a fucking dick. SETH ROGEN: Oh God. Oh Jesus! SARAH SILVERMAN: Eat
a dick, FBI! SETH ROGEN: No, no, no, no. Jesus, Sarah, no. SARAH SILVERMAN: Suck my dick! SETH ROGEN: No, the FBI
should not eat a dick. He’s dead. You just killed a production
assistant. SARAH SILVERMAN: Oh,
what is this? “The Guild Trip” part deux? SETH ROGEN: OK, ha ha ha. SARAH SILVERMAN: What is
this? “The Guilt Trip” too boring too watch? SETH ROGEN: OK, Sarah,
I’m serious. Jesus Christ. A man is dead now. SARAH SILVERMAN: (MOCKING)
A man is– SETH ROGEN: He’s dead. SARAH SILVERMAN: Oh. Oh my God. SETH ROGEN: Yeah. SARAH SILVERMAN: Oh no. Oh no. Fuck, oh shit, kid, wake up. Oh God. I’m sorry. SETH ROGEN: Oh, Jesus. That’s not going to– SARAH SILVERMAN: Why
are you bleeding? Oh fuck. SETH ROGEN: It’s not
going to work. I have to call the
cops now, Sarah. I’ve got to– SARAH SILVERMAN: No. No. Don’t call the cops. SETH ROGEN: I have
to call the cops. SARAH SILVERMAN: No. Then I have to do this. SETH ROGEN: No, Sarah,
don’t, don’t. Chill out. Don’t do something you’ll
regret, OK? SARAH SILVERMAN: Oh, don’t
do something I’ll regret? SETH ROGEN: Yes. SARAH SILVERMAN: Don’t do
something I’ll regret? Seth, don’t you think it’s a
little too fucking late for that, you graveling, throw
it in, laughing fuck? [YELLING] SETH ROGEN: Sarah,
oh, you cunt! SARAH SILVERMAN: Whoa. That stung. That really– you know, it’s just
so misogynistic. I guess everybody has like
their trigger words? That was my trigger word. SETH ROGEN: Well, I’m sorry. I guess I’m sorry, OK? SARAH SILVERMAN: No problem. Listen, we’re here testing
boundaries. That’s what we’re here for. And I guess we found our
ceiling, you know? SETH ROGEN: The ceiling
is cunt. The cunt ceiling. SARAH SILVERMAN: Infamous
cunt ceiling. SETH ROGEN: The cunt ceiling. Oh, shit. SARAH SILVERMAN: Oh God. Well, now we know. And I’m so sorry
I stabbed you. That was shitty. SETH ROGEN: It’s OK. At least you didn’t slit my
throat and kill me, you know? SARAH SILVERMAN: Good point. SETH ROGEN: Good point. I think you made the good point
into his trachea, right? SARAH SILVERMAN: You are so
good with world play. SETH ROGEN: Thank you. I try, I try. SARAH SILVERMAN: I’m so
glad we’re friends. SETH ROGEN: I am too, Sarah. This is great. What do you say we get the
show started, huh? SARAH SILVERMAN: Great
idea, Seth. SETH ROGEN: Awesome. SARAH SILVERMAN: Ladies and
gentlemen, hold in all your pee and poo and put your hands
together for the world’s premiere video of the
new Lonely Island song, Diaper Money. THE LONELY ISLAND: We’ve been
here for a minute now. This some grown man shit. I’ve got that diaper money. I’ve got that diaper
money, dude. I’ve got that diaper money. I’m a grown ass man. I know I got that diaper money
’cause my kids need to shit. So I stay on my hustle to keep
my pocketbook thick. I got papers and papers
and papes all for my baby’s mistakes. Just sold my car for
some drapes. Don’t get shit on ’em. I’ve got that diaper money. I’ve got that diaper
money, dude. I’ve got that diaper money. I’m a grown ass man. I’ve got that wife pussy. I’ve got that wife pussy. I’ve got that wife pussy. I’ve got that pussy on lock. I’ve got that wife pussy
on lock 24/7. Whenever she lets me, I’m
in same pussy heaven. And the best part about it is
no one else can have it. And also, I can’t have it,
unless she says I can. See a girl on the street, man,
I can’t, so I won’t. See my wife at home, and I
would, but she hates my guts. Wife pussy, I’ve got
that wife pussy. I’ve got that wife pussy. I’ve got that pussy on lock. I’ve got that grave plot. I’ve got that grave plot. I’ve got that grave plot. It’s right off the highway. Wobbedy wobbedy wobbedy drop
into my grave plot. You afraid of death? Well, I’m afraid not. Because I got the bomb spot
right off the highway. I did it my way, a very small
percent of the dime way. I’ve got my coffin picked out. Styrofoam painted like
wood, tricked out. It’s even got handles
to lower me smooth. And my tombstone only
has minimal typos. Grave plot, I’ve got
that grave plot. I’ve got that grave plot,
right next to my dad. I’ve got that diaper money. I’ve got that wife pussy. I’ve got that grave plot. I’m a grown ass man. [APPLAUSE] All right, spring break, do
you know what time it is? I’m going to need all the
hot girls to come on the stage right now. Fellas, let me hear you
make some noise. Kings of the pussy, pounding
on brewskies. Banging chicks right
there in the sand. Bros before hoes and chicks with
no clothes and slamming shots and marry a man. Who wanna do a shot? We do. I’m going to get fucked up. Me too. We came for a week. We the kings of the beach. T-shirt, see through. Cancun, party down. Lauderdale, another round. Havasu, crack a brew. Marry a man. Cranks when you’re passed out,
jokes about roofies. Making girls kiss,
marry a man. Giant sombreros, show
us your titties. Creatine shakes, marry a man. Oh shit, I’m too fucked up. Puke and rally, that’s
what’s up. Booze cruise, raise
your glass. Snort that coke off her ass. Two chicks at the dance hall,
take it to the dance stall. Trade these beads
for their bras. So-Co in my canteen, got girls
jumping on trampoline. Two men bound by the law. Trashy motel rooms, clogging
up toilets. Beer goggles if she’s a hag. Planning the menu, picking
out flowers. Nailing sluts and writing
our vows. Down here, it’s our time. Spring breakers, let’s
get fucked up. Then find Mr. Right and
get monogamous. Picking our invite font as a
twosome, something tasteful but not too bland. Seating arrangements, charming
the in-laws. Ripping beer pong,
sex with a man. We’ll be so happy, true
love forever. Two kings walking
hand in hand. Promise to cherish, trust, and
respect him, crushing pussy, marry a man. Spring break. T-Pain. Aw, shit. Get your tails ready. It’s about to go down. Everybody in the front
to the fucking deck. Stand on your motherfucking
toes. We running this, let’s go. I’m on a bat. I’m on a boat, everybody. Look at me, ’cause I’m
sailing on a boat. I’m on a boat. I’m on a boat. Take a good, hard look at
the motherfucking boat. T-PAIN: Yeah, yeah. I never thought I’d
be on a boat. It’s a big, blue watery road. Poseidon, look at me. THE LONELY ISLAND: All
hands on deck. T-PAIN: I never thought I’d see
the day when a big boat coming my way. Believe me when I say,
I fucked a mermaid. THE LONELY ISLAND:
I’m on a boat. I’m on a boat. Everybody look at me, because
I’m sailing on a boat. I’m on a boat. I’m on a boat. So take a good, hard look at
the motherfucking boat. [APPLAUSE] FATAL FARM: No thanks,
no thank you. MALE SPEAKER: I do a
really good job. FATAL FARM: Really, I’m
not interested. OK? [ENGINE REVS] He just flew away. KYLE MOONEY: This next act,
no, this next act isn’t– oh, sorry. I messed up. You know, this next act isn’t
what I had for breakfast. It’s Garfunkel and Oates. I didn’t know if that–
was it still me? GARFUNKEL AND OATES: Hi. What’s up, guys, how are you? So in this song, we play the
same woman two years apart. I’m 29. And I’m 31. So same woman, two years apart,
singing about love. This song is called 29 31. For the first time in my
life, I see it clearly. I realize the power
of being a woman. 29 years old and time’s
on my side. I’m in my prime. I’ve hit my stride. I’ve got so much charisma
and so many options. It’s nice to always
have my pick. There’s nobody left. I’m all alone. I’m at the top of my game. Possibilities are endless. And I just feel really pretty. I’m holding out for someone
who meets my standards. Won’t settle for anything
less than perfect. I know what I want. And I can have it. I’m surrounded by
love and peace. There’s nobody left. I’m all alone. Why did I wait? What’s wrong with me? In two short years, I’m
going to be 33. Who the hell will
want me then? My ovaries are shrinking. I’m disgusting and everyone
feels bad for me. And I never get invited to
dinner parties anymore. Things unfold when they’re
supposed to, because everything happens
for a reason. It’ll happen for me when
I’m not even looking. He’ll just appear, and
I’ll just know. And he’ll love me forever
without any work. Who needs to try when things
are meant to be? There’s nobody left. I’m a catch, just look at me. I’m all alone. You’re such a fucking idiot. You think you’re so special
because people tell you that now, but that’ll stop when
they’re replaced with looks of pity. My life complete. The world is a buffet of love. Oh, what? You think biological reality
doesn’t apply to you in your adorable cocoon of
agelessness? Well, it does. While you’re just waiting around
and focusing on you, guess what? You’re going to miss your
fucking window. Everything happens
for a reason. You know I truly believe that. Yeah, you said that before. Oh my God, it does though. Everything happens
for a reason. What about the Haitian
earthquake or cellulite on skinny women? Just say, hey universe,
I’m ready. It’ll happen when you
least expect it. Well, I don’t expect
it at all now. So I guess it’s right
around the corner. Maybe you’re putting
out the wrong vibe. Maybe you’re closed
off to love. Let me tell you a secret. It’s called the secret. There’s another secret. You’re an asshole. Your negativity is a
self-fulfilling prophecy. The reason things go well for
me is because of positivity. Well, I’m positive fertility
always begins to atrophy when infantile fantasy eclipses
true reality. It never once occurred
to me that things won’t work out perfectly. When God closes a door, you
see, he opens a window. You realize that’s a smaller
opening, right? You used to just be able to walk
out a door, and now you have to climb out some
slightly ajar window somewhere, possibly
falling like eight stories to your death. That is not an upgrade. You know what else? There’s nobody left! So many people on the planet. I’m all alone! Oh my God! I’m really lonely! I’m so happy, I’m
really happy. Everthing really sucks
on this side. Ahhh! You get with someone else,
do you love yourself? You get with someone else,
do you love youself? ‘Cause life is– good. Over. Thanks, everybody. Thanks, guys. We would now like to bring
out the next comedian. Please welcome the voice of the
eTrade baby, Pete Holmes. PETE HOLMES: There’s a
Snickers right there. Do you want a Snickers? You put your hand out
very entitled like. There you go. Someone stepped on it. Good to see you. Good to be here. I’m feeling pretty good. Thank you. Yeah, all right, just general
enthusiasm, I appreciate that. I’m feeling pretty good, despite
the fact that I ate at Subway for lunch. Yeah, no I know, I feel that. We all eat there. It’s always crowded. But it is garbage. Don’t back away. I’m probably going there
after the show. It’s also horrible. It’s the worst thing
in the world. And you know that. You know when you’re in line
at Subway, part of you is looking forward to
your sandwich. But in the back of your brain,
you’re just like, something fucked up is happening here. Can’t quite put my
finger on it. But the call is coming from
inside the house. It’s bad. You know this. Everything at Subway
tastes the same. It all tastes the way the
restaurant smells– that vague, cardboard,
sawdust smell. Everything, it doesn’t matter
what you order, a sandwich, your soda, the receipt, it’s
saturated in that smell. And they do it in
front of you. That’s their big idea,
like you’re a king. Choose from the bounty. ‘Tis been a good year. More orange tomatoes,
my liege? And they shouldn’t. Have you ever, for the love of
God, been in the Subway when they run out of turkey? They don’t just flick the lights
off, perfect blackness, flick them back on, and
have more turkey. That’s what they should do. What they do do is reach down
into the bowels of hell, making unbreaking eye contact
like a college freshman playing Hey There Delilah on
the acoustic, just looking through you. And they pull out another shrink
wrapped plastic tube of turkey, with all the pieces the
exact same size, laser cut like coasters, with a fake skin
airbrushed on the side. They cut it out with that
little yellow knife. Satan’s ass air is released. They’re just like, three
disgusting pieces. We’re just schmucks. Like oh, could I get
double meat? They’re like, yeah, peeling
them off like ones from Satan’s bank roll, everything
sitting on those black, open air, S&M containers. You can see your reflection
in the wet ham. It’s gross. You shouldn’t be able to watch
someone make something so disgusting. Bring it from the back. That’s what the back is for. If this is what they’re doing
in the front, what the hell are they doing in the back? Just shaving a gorilla, like,
new low fat gorilla bread. Jared’s naked up to
here in marinara. Eat fresh. You can write your own
meatballs joke. I can’t do everything. Very excited, there’s magicians
on this show. Did you know that? Did you know you’re going
to see magic? I’m stoked. I love magic. But I am very, very grateful
that I’m not a magician. Have you ever taken a moment to
be grateful that you’re not a magician? I can come out and be like look,
I stepped on a Snickers. You want it, you entitled
person? I can do whatever I want. I’m just a hammy
guy, it’s fine. A magician has to be magic. Are you listening? Magic, the thing that
none of us are. That is a lot of pressure. Backstage, you’re just some
regular guy named Verne, eating nachos. Like yeah, it’s a pretty
good house. Pretty good, yeah. The food’s half off, my
parents are here. Putting a bird in your sleeve. It’s going to be a good show. And they’re like, ladies and
gentleman, Excelsior. You’re like, excuse me. Covered in silk, like I was born
on the tip of a pyramid. Owls landing on you. You’re just fucking Verne,
the nacho guy. And comedy audiences
are great. You guys want the
show to be good. Magic is the only kind of
entertainment where 99% of the audience is trying to ruin
the show for themselves. Go to a magic show, just a sea
of close minded, threatened dudes that are just like, no. No way. That ain’t possible. It’s probably a mirror, right? It’s a mirror. You can’t saw her in half. Shit’s illegal. Yeah, you did it. You proved what no one else
was trying to prove. The boy on stage isn’t
actually a wizard. Good job. It cost you $35 to
get in here. Not me, I love magic. Look at my friendly,
open face. I sit in the front. You think I volunteer? You’re goddamn right
I volunteer. Magician drops a fake thumb,
I didn’t see shit. I live in a non-magic
world all day. Make it magic. I saw a man fly at
a magic show. I didn’t misspeak. I saw a man fly. A wingless mammal took flight. Can you imagine if
I flew right now? If I could just figure out the
muscle in my ass to flex? I pick fucking Snickers
girl up, and we fly around the room? Best night of our lives. And I saw this. And suddenly, I’m eight
years old again. And I’m filled with majesty
and wonder. And as I’m watching this man
fly, a guy next to me, I don’t know this guy, who’s this guy,
leans over to me and goes, it’s a magnet. Magnet. No man can fly. Magnet. Two things. First of all, shut up. Shut your mouth, and just
enjoy the show. Two, magnet? That doesn’t explain shit. What does that mean, magnets? He’s got magnets
in his pocket? The stage is a magnet? That would look horrible. I think those are just two
things he doesn’t understand. Like, I don’t get magnets,
and I don’t get this. This is magnets. Thank you very much,
everybody. That’s my time. Appreciate that,
appreciate it. We’re going to keep
this going. I’ve got to tell you, this show
is so great that even our warm up guy is one of my
absolute favorite comedians. Is he in the house? Steven Brody Stevens. Brody! Yes. Energy. BRODY STEVENS: You got it. PETE HOLMES: Brody has a show
coming out on Comedy Central. It’s going to be Comedy
Central’s first drama. Brody, I’ve got to tell you,
I’m very excited about it. BRODY STEVENS: Me too. Very excited. PETE HOLMES: He doesn’t
have a mic, but we can still hear him. Push, yes. All right, everybody. Let’s keep this going. You ready for more show? These next guys are the Blue
Man Group of slapping their fat friend. Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome Tummy Talk. Tummy Talk! These guys have an addiction,
because it’s a Workaholics. Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Blake Anderson and Adam DeVine. ADAM DEVINE: YouTube. YouTube. There he is, Denzel
Washington’s here. BLAKE ANDERSON: Denzel
Washington. ADAM DEVINE: Denzel
Washington’s here. Will Smith’s here. A lot of stars. What’s up? Let’s get weird. Let’s get weird. Yeah. BLAKE ANDERSON: Actually, more
like, let’s get cute. All right? Let’s get really cute
tonight, guys. Because we’ve been asked
to host the 2013 YouTube Cute Off. ADAM DEVINE: Yep. BLAKE ANDERSON: Yeah. Yeah. ADAM DEVINE: I’m actually a
little butt hurt that they didn’t ask me to be a
participant in the Cute Off. Because I feel like I’ve been
looking really cute lately. BLAKE ANDERSON: He has. He looks fucking really cute. ADAM DEVINE: No, I know. I’m looking really
fucking cute. I know that about myself. BLAKE ANDERSON: Really
fucking cute, man. Very cute. But let’s introduce
our competitors. ADAM DEVINE: Sure. BLAKE ANDERSON: First, from
outer space, weighing in at four pounds, Lil Bub. Look at his eyeballs. ADAM DEVINE: Oh my God,
he’s so cute. Oh my God, he’s so cute. And his opponent, from Conyers, Georgia, weighing in at– I feel that’s rude to ask. BLAKE ANDERSON: It
is a little bit. ADAM DEVINE: Because
he could be in a chubby phase right now. Maybe he doesn’t want people
to know how much he weighs. BLAKE ANDERSON: True. ADAM DEVINE: Let’s give
it up for Lil Jack McBrayer, everybody. Oh my God, he’s so cute. BLAKE ANDERSON: OK, OK, OK. Very cute. ADAM DEVINE: So cute. BLAKE ANDERSON: Very cute. Round One. Give us your most adorable
face, go. ADAM DEVINE: Adorable
face off, go! Lil Bub, oh my God,
that is cute. Oh, look, he’s so tiny. His tongue’s out. His eyes are huge. That is so cute. Cute overload. BLAKE ANDERSON: Oh my God. ADAM DEVINE: Oh my God. Oh! Oh, he’s so fucking cute. He’s so cute. BLAKE ANDERSON: Oh man, this
is going to be tough. I don’t know which
one to shoot. ADAM DEVINE: Please don’t– you don’t shoot them. Let’s just move on to
the next round. And that next round, dare I
say it, overall cuteness. Go! [SCREAMING] Oh, I don’t know, I don’t
know which is cuter. Oh! Oh my God. He’s so cute, a lollipop! Oh my God. BLAKE ANDERSON: I don’t know,
this is really tough. Maybe we should make
them do something. ADAM DEVINE: I don’t know
if that’s possible. They’re both cats. You can’t just make cats
do whatever you want. Except, I don’t know, this is
just a genius move that I just thought of and had them
preplan, maybe– play with yarn. BLAKE ANDERSON: I
like that idea. ADAM DEVINE: Play with yarn! Oh my God, that is so cute. He doesn’t know what to
do with the yarn. Lil Bub’s a little
disinterested. Will that count against him? Will that count against him? Lil Bub doesn’t seem to want
to play with the yarn. BLAKE ANDERSON: How are was
supposed to pick a winner? Aww! ADAM DEVINE: Did he just die? BLAKE ANDERSON: Oh man,
they are just both so unbelievably cute. How are we going to
pick a winner? ADAM DEVINE: Well,
I don’t know. I feel like we have to. Let’s deliberate real quick,
just me and you. BLAKE ANDERSON: I
like his tongue. His tongue’s cute too, though. ADAM DEVINE: He also has
a very cute tongue. OK, you know what? OK, only one could win. And the winner we choose won
our hearts despite having heart worms. The winner of the 2013 YouTube
Cute Off and a year’s supply of Fancy Feast is Lil Jack
McBrayer, everybody. Congratulations. What a cutie. JACK MCBRAYER: Thank you. Thank you very much. But you know I’m not
really a cat. [SCREAMING] BLAKE ANDERSON: It’s
a talking cat! ADAM DEVINE: It’s
a talking cat! BLAKE ANDERSON: It’s
a talking cat! ADAM DEVINE: It’s
a talking cat. BLAKE ANDERSON: We’re
going viral. We’re going viral. MALE SPEAKER: I’m a huge
fan of you guys, I just wanted to say. ADAM DEVINE: Thank
you guys so much. Thanks for tuning in. Pyrotechnics start now. FEMALE SPEAKER: [INAUDIBLE] have
the confidence to say no. [MUSIC PLAYING] THE FINE BROTHERS: Hi. We’re the Fine Brothers. For those of you who don’t know
us, we have a YouTube channel where we produce a whole
ton of different shows. One of those shows is called
Spoiler Alert, where we spoil the endings of movies, TV shows,
YouTube videos, and more, all in one take
and under a certain amount of minutes. Like, we’ll ruin the endings
of 100 horror movies in four minutes. Now that you get it, consider
yourselves warned. Last night, we stole the
script to this show. So we’re about to spoil the rest
of tonight’s festivities by giving away all the surprises
the other acts have in store for you. In one take. In under one minute. Starting now. Betty White gets shot
out of a cannon. Russell Brand premiers
his new scarf. Ryan Gosling finally eats all
that cereal people have been wanting him to eat. Zach Galifianakis reveals
his downstairs beard. Kim Jong performs his new
single, the Jong Song, Jong Jong, Jong Jong Jong Jong. Weird Al sings his version of
Passion Pit’s “Carried Away” called “Married and Gay.” After taking over two movie
franchises, JJ Abrams will start an Arby’s franchise and
change his name to JJ Arby’s. David Blaine levitates using
only the power of his mind. John Hamm levitates using only
the power of his penis. Amanda Bynes premiers the
trailer of the documentary she’s been filming
all this time, directed by Joaquin Phoenix. Someone makes a joke about
Angelina Jolie that is far too soon. Zooey Deschanel gets bullied
for being too adorkable. We get beat up by Zooey
Deschanel at the after party for making that stupid joke. Everyone on this list ends
up hating us forever. We never work in Hollywood
ever again. Every day, we ponder why we
ever agreed to do this. Our life loses all meaning and
we wander the streets and ultimately become homeless. And every day, we try to lift
our spirits back up by watching baby sloth videos
through the windows at a Best Buy to no avail. Then we realize none of
these celebrities are even here tonight. But here’s someone who is. Please welcome the star
of his own show on Adult Swim, Eric Andre. ERIC ANDRE: Thank you. Where’s the mark? Who knows. Am I on my mark? I was supposed to come out on
a camel, but camels fucking hate people. So I don’t know if that
fucked up their job, but who gives a shit. We’re all going to die one
day, right, Internet? We’re all going to die. All right, I am so
high right now. I went home to Boca Raton,
Florida to visit my parents. Yeah, Boca in the house. Boca’s where your grandparents
go to die, if you don’t know. It’s God’s waiting room. I went home to visit
my parents. And I text messaged this girl
Kerri that I used to hook up with back in the day. Right when I landed, I texted
her, come over. Because I am a class act
gentleman that cuts straight to the chase. Ladies, question mark? And she didn’t respond
to that. Come over, my penis and your
vagina should hang out. She didn’t respond
to my subtleties. So I wrote her again, and I was
like, are you mad at me? And then she goes, no, sorry. I’m in Colorado with
my boyfriend. No big deal. I didn’t know she was in
a different state. I didn’t know she
had a boyfriend. Pretty benign conversation,
right, Asian guy in the third row? You know what I’m
talking about? So then, I go, come over, are
you mad at me, no sorry, I’m in Colorado with my boyfriend. Not a big deal. Then I get a text from a
number I don’t know. Hi. And I write, who is this? And they go, are
you a comedian? And I’m like, yes. Another fan, besides my mom. Then they go, I’m Casey,
Kerri’s boyfriend. Ruh roh. And I swear to God, I’m
not making this up. I’ll text each and
every one of you. Can you see that, Camera 2? Can you see? I’ll text each and every one
of you after the show. This is a real story. Then I’ll go back to lying
compulsively right afterwards. So I’m Casey, Kerri’s
boyfriend. I got a joke for you. This guy keeps bothering my
girlfriend to the point where I get involved. Want to know the punchline? Keep it up. You’ll find out. Swear to God this is a real
conversation happening between two people. You’re the most beautiful
woman I’ve ever seen in my life. You know what I’m
talking about. So then I write back
to the guy. I go, what are you, dude, a bad
guy from a spring break movie from the ’80s? Because who in the fuck
talks like that? See you on the K12, Myer. So then he writes all
this shit back. Eric, I’m normally a
pretty civil guy. You asking my girlfriend
to come over? That’s funny. We can go back and forth, but
I’d rather not waste my time. Leave Kerri alone. Don’t call her, don’t
text her. Because you’re not her friend,
just a one hit wonder from her past. I’m willing to just forget
everything, including your name, number, et cetera. Let’s end this, dot
dot dot, now. So I just put, dot
dot dot, or else. And I was like, hey man, where
you texting me from? The Cobra Kai Dojo, you
fucking weirdo? You’re just a one hit
wonder for her past. That doesn’t make sense
in that context. I’m sick of my girlfriend
fucking all these one hit wonders, man. She fucked you. She fucked Chumbawumba. I’ve had enough. So anyway, five minutes
later, I texted the girl back, come over. All right, thank you so much. Good night! Oh man. Fuck. THE GREGORY BROTHERS:
Carl, hey. Welcome back from vacation. It was amazing, man. Eight years in the Andes. Es paraiso. Wow, eight years. Our company has the best
vacation policy. Yeah, I just feel so refreshed
and ready to really focus. Be warned. The world has changed
a lot since 2005. Check this out. Yeah, laptops. I had a laptop before I moved. Did this one come
with wireless? This isn’t about
laptops, Carl. Oh. I’m talking about
YouTube, Carl. YouTube. Could this be what
I think it is? Yes it is. Holy moly. But before you click, think real
hard before you do that. If you don’t slow down, you
could get whiplash. What’d you say? I was watching cute cats. And have you seen the one with
the little girl’s rat? Wait, hold up, don’t
go too fast. Once you dive in, you
can never turn back. Life will never be the
same now that I’ve seen Chocolate Rain. And I never knew a goat could
scream like that, or the simple pleasures of
a pop-tart cat. Oh, YouTube. I can stay and play, watching
Trololo for 10 hours straight. That’s a good one. Oh, YouTube. Refreshing PewDiePie’s page,
until we die of old age. First you get sucked in by
dubstep dance, then there’s people in the subway
who wear no pants. You might start small with a
laughing baby, then you end up singing with “Call Me Maybe” I just got trigonometry, and how
to put bacon in lasagna. People share the life lesson
of the [INAUDIBLE]. Or they just stuff things
into a blender. Life won’t be the same again. now that I can wait
for all of it. And I never even knew that
pandas sneeze, or how my eyebrows should be tweezed. Oh, YouTube. I can stay up late, watching
drive-thru pranks for 10 hours straight. So addictive. Oh, YouTube. Refreshing Jenna Marbles’s page
until we die of old age. How did we live life before we
saw Gandalf versus Dumbledore? I always wanted to know
how a ninja fights. Me too. And what Pokemon would
be like in real life. Oh, YouTube. I can stay up late, watching
Jedi a-holes for 10 hours straight. Oh, YouTube. Refreshing Lonely Island’s page
until we die of old age. I could stay up late, watching
Philly D and Ray, I could stay up late, watching
John and Hank. Um, could you guys keep
it down in here? You’ve been singing
for five years. And there’s some others who
would like to use this room. Oh, it’s 2018. I’ve got to go to
a meeting, guys. 2018. I’m retired. MALE SPEAKER: All
right, oh man. There’s about to be too
many beards on stage. Two whole beards. Dang it, I like that. What am I introducing,
pirates or something? No, I’m not. It’s Reggie Watts
and Beardyman. And make some noise. BEARDYMAN: Quadrilangro. REGGIE WATTS: We began
[INAUDIBLE] two years, partners here. BEARDYMAN: This is a
song of marmosets. REGGIE WATTS: So
[SPEAKING NONSENSE LANGUAGE] BEARDYMAN:
[SPEAKING NONSENSE LANGUAGE] [LOOPS SPEECH IN SAMPLER] REGGIE WATTS:
[SPEAKING NONSENSE LANGUAGE] BEARDYMAN: Up in monitor,
please. [SPEAKING NONSENSE LANGUAGE] [SINGING STREAM OF
CONSCIOUSNESS] Reggie up in my monitor, yo. Hey, can you feel it, yeah. Yo, audience at home, audience
in the room, make some noise. It’s like this, y’all. So Reggie, did you enjoy that? REGGIE WATTS: Yeah, it’s
a totally good jam. All of it, live, now. Exciting. BEARDYMAN: It’s so exciting. It’s all happening now. It’s all completely live. None of this is
[SPEAKING NONSENSE LANGUAGE] REGGIE WATTS:
[SPEAKING NONSENSE LANGUAGE] Beardyman. BEARDYMAN: America’s
[SPEAKING NONSENSE LANGUAGE] Reggie Watts. REGGIE WATTS:
[SPEAKING NONSENSE LANGUAGE] BEARDYMAN:
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] REGGIE WATTS: 6500 in the 30 and
6, everybody knows you be sucking them dicks, kicking
them dicks, detaching that shit. Put it on a plate with
some other shit that looks like dicks. Yeah, everybody likes a dick. The shape of a dick
is unmistakable. Take that dick, everybody
knows what to do with that dick. Stuff it in a jar, what, come
on, come on, come on. BEARDYMAN: Yeah, that’s right. He ain’t lying, but I’m
frying my brain. Every day it’s insane. All I do is open up my head,
take out my cranium, put it on some bread. Yeah, put some butter on it. Do I put on jam? No, but you call
it jelly, what? [SPEAKING NONSENSE LANGUAGE] RF frequencies interference. Oh my god, checking
systems, stat. Back along by Moonscam Clams. Oh, do you remember
the Mansom Clams? REGGIE WATTS: I remember
the Mansen Twins. And I just have to say that I
loved all of their work up until about ’84. BEARDYMAN: Yeah, really,
they’re too much sampling, I think. They use too much like,
[MAKING LASER SOUNDS] REGGIE WATTS: Whatever. Fleetwood Mac did that. BEARDYMAN: Hey, what
about this? REGGIE WATTS: Time, a never
ending conundrum. Can you feel it? Wrap it up, yo. Everybody knows you got only
certain amount of time. If you got a do it, you can
never figure out a rhyme. If you want to do it, you can
never wipe off the grime. Grime like you’re grimy, like
you wouldn’t ever tell me why. Everybody, everybody knows
you’ve got only certain amount of time. If you’ve got to do it, you can
never figure out a rhyme. CAT: How many of you guys
here have seen a cat lick its own asshole? Oh, that’s not actually
a joke. I’m just trying to keep
heads of who’s a fucking pervert here. IAN HECOX: Hey. I’m Ian. ANTHONY PADILLA: And
I’m Anthony. And when we were asked to appear
at this live event, we were like, what do you
want us to do? IAN HECOX: And they said,
be yourselves. ANTHONY PADILLA: We said, OK. So now we’re going to give you
a tutorial about how to introduce a guest
on a live show. IAN HECOX: First, you have
to upload a video to YouTube in 2005. ANTHONY PADILLA:
Very important. IAN HECOX: And then you just
keep making videos. Doesn’t really matter
what they are. Lip sync videos, videos about
video games, whatever, as long as they kick ass. ANTHONY PADILLA: Step Two,
have awesome hair. If you have great hair, people
want to watch you. Sometimes they want to touch
you inappropriately. John Stamos knows what
I’m talking about. That guy has had great
hair forever. IAN HECOX: Dude, totally. ANTHONY PADILLA: Full House? IAN HECOX: Yeah. ANTHONY PADILLA: That. IAN HECOX: Step Three is be
booked on a live show. And this is kind of important. ANTHONY PADILLA: Arguably
the most important part. IAN HECOX: And I mean, you can’t
just get up here and do something crazy. You’re not Kanye. So don’t fucking do that. ANTHONY PADILLA: Oh, yeah. Have a good rapport
with your partner. What’s up? IAN HECOX: What’s up? ANTHONY PADILLA: All
right, check. And most importantly, introduce
the person together. IAN HECOX: All right. Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for Kyle Kinane. KYLE KINANE: Good with
their music. How’s it going, guys? YouTube, huh? Did you see that cat earlier
with the tongue? It was adorable. It was like it had a little
kitten stroke. That’s nice. Let’s exploit that, YouTube. Looking forward to all the
14-year-old dick heads calling me a homo in the comments
section after this. That’s what we’re
going to get. YouTube, where Christians
go to see tits. OK. I’ll make it quick. I’ll just check the barometer
of the room. See if you’ll get
along with me. I’ll just let you know
about myself. Last Sunday, I picked my nose. It’s what you do. It happens, right? It’s your finger,
it’s your nose. They fit. Why not, go for it. Love yourself. And I didn’t want to wipe it on
my couch, because I’m not an asshole. I was too lazy to go and get
up and get a Kleenex. So I put it back in my nose. If you think that’s funny, we’re
going to get along for the next five minutes. If not, maybe you want to go
to the bathroom and grab a smoke break. I don’t know. I recently experienced a defeat
disguised as a victory. I don’t know if it’s ever
happened to you. My friend was like, what do got
going on tomorrow morning? I was like, I don’t have
to wake up for nothing. I don’t have to wake
up for nothing. Literally nothing requires
my existence tomorrow. Tomorrow, I could just not be. That’s like an optimistic way to
say, what do you got going on tomorrow morning? I could die in my sleep. It wouldn’t matter. Awesome. This is a fancy show. I don’t think I belong. I feel like a fart in
a tuxedo up here. This is nice. For more information about me,
I just stopped getting diarrhea, which would
be great, but I didn’t change my lifestyle. You know how you drive your
car around with the check engine light? And then the check engine light
goes off, but you didn’t fix your car? That just means that that’s my
body’s way of saying, you’re not heeding warning signs. Enjoy the last six months
of your life. That’s what we’ll get into. I don’t know. Like socially, this should make
it easier to be social, stuff like this. You go out, you talk to
people every night. It should be getting easier. But instead, more and more, I
just feel like I’m backed into a corner with bright lights on
me, and I’m just trying to defend myself. Like every night’s an
away gave, you know? This is where I’m at socially. Not too long ago, I said
God bless you to a cat. It’s not like I was in a room
with people and cats and I heard a sneeze, and
my gentlemanly instinct kicked in. I was just alone in a room with
a cat, which was already a day in my life. I’m just alone, not my room, not
my cat, just sitting on a futon with a cat. He’s looking one way, I’m
looking the other. We’re just looking for
answers, you know? The cat sneezed. And then it was quiet. And that made me feel
uncomfortable. Because I was raised right. So I was like, I should
say something. I’m like, but it’s a cat. Yeah, but we’re all
God’s creatures. So I’m like, all right,
I’m going for it. And I was like, God bless you. And the cat looked at me. Because that’s what they do. Cats look at the origins
of sounds. But they also have very,
very judgmental faces. So this cat looked at me. And instantly, I knew it was
like, listen man, I think you say stuff like God bless you. You know I don’t have a belief
system put into place that would require you to mention
some sort of deity. I think you say these things
to convince yourself that you’re a good person,
with your pleases and your thank yous. But deep down, you’re trying
to hide some darkness. That’s what you’re
saying there. Furthermore, I was worshipped
in ancient Egypt as a god. If I need to bless myself,
I can bless myself. That’s how it works with me. It actually comes
in very handy. I sneeze all the time. I’m covered in cat hair. And my response to that was
like, well then, go fuck yourself, cat. But if you were just a fly on
the wall, you just saw me in a room go, God bless you, cat. Go fuck yourself, cat. And that’s why I don’t
socialize well. That’s why this is getting
more and more difficult for me. I was on an elevator. Guy got on the elevator,
regular looking dude. And doors closed. And he looked at me, said,
you smell nice. And I said, thank you. Because I don’t hear
that ever. I smell how I look. That’s this. I don’t hear compliments. I hear comments. I hear people commenting on the
general odor of the area, stuff like, who would leave
taquitos in a golf shoe like that anyway? I hear that kind of stuff. It’s not Old Spice. It’s old spices. It’s expired seasonings, some
paprika that somebody kicked under the stove seven
years ago. That could be it. So I said, thank you. But then this guy, then he kind
of showed his cards a bit with the whole thing. Because then he kind of
gets a different look. He goes, you just get
out of the shower? OK, all right, that’s
a bit forward. That’s a man with a plan. Now, whereas somebody else
should take that as a warning and be like, this guy’s got
something up, I was excited for the opportunity of
conversation, I just went off. I’m like, what do you smell? Is it lavender? Is it lavender? I’m using a new face scrub
that’s lavender. People are saying it’s
very overpowering. They’re mistaking it
for a whole shower. But really, it’s just my face. Tell me, is it lavender? And he just left the elevator. And that’s when I realized
that I had out creeped a creeper in that moment. That’s what I had done. My own desperation became a form
of self-defense, when I became too much work
for a pervert. That’s what happened. This guy’s like, this guy’s just
going to chew through the whole gag and ruin
the van ride. I don’t have all day. I just wanted a hump and dump. I’m still waving through the
closing doors, where you going, new friend? Don’t you want to watch “Silver Linings Playbook” together? All right, that’s it for me. Have a good night. Thanks. SHANE DAWSON: Hi. My name is Shane Dawson. And I’ve been making videos
on YouTube since 2006. And a lot’s changed
since then. Back in ’06, the only form of
comedy on YouTube was a toddler playfully nibbling on
his brother’s finger, and a big fat black woman falling
on a coffee table and breaking her ass. And now, we’ve moved on to
bigger and better things, like a different big fat black woman
choking on cinnamon until she almost dies, and a
bunch of tweenagers shoving condoms up their nose, trying to
sniff them into their nasal cavities and then pull them
out of their mouths. That’s a real thing. I’ve done it. It works. Everybody, YouTube
has evolved. And I think it deserves
a slow clap. Come on, everybody. Too fast, too fast. So tweenagers, take those
condoms out of your nose and your mouth. You’re going to need them. Because here is Three Loco. THREE LOCO: Oh my goodness. Step in the club, and we’re
looking real neato. I’ll be getting bitches
in my blue tuxedo. We’re neato, like a giraffe
in a speedo. What’s up, sonny? Que pasa, mijo? Chilling with Rihanna
out in Puerto Rico. She ate my coconut, because
she thought it was a Zico. I beat up the block like Steven
Seagal, pour a four in a Pellegrino, driving backwards
through Reno. Pointy sided Dorito, go ahead,
shoot the free throw. I pull up at the casino, candy
Cheetos steamboat. Desert Eagle, I flash
the Buick Regal. I pull up on you people,
buttercream Beetle. Neato, neato, neat,
neat, neato. Neato, neato, neat,
neat, neato. We’re neato. Look Mom, we’re neato. Look kids, we’re neato. We’re really neato. Neato. In the El Camino, I’m back,
yeah, tight like burrito. Pull on the place,
a 10 cent casino. Next year, I’m in the movie,
Quentin Tarantino. Coast of Puerto Rico,
pizza Totino. You got a low self-esteem? You can rent my ego. Neato, burrito, hold
the chorizo. Snitches get stitches,
shout out to Lilo. Fuck cocaine, my cock’s
like a kilo. And you know I be stacking
more dough than phyllo. Your momma sucked my
dick, tell her, keep it on the d-low. I keep it underground. You’re commercial like Vevo. Neato, neato, neat,
neat, neato. Neato, neato, neat,
neat, neato. We’re neato. Look Mom, we’re neato. Look kids, we’re neato. We’re really neato. Neato, neato, neat,
neat, neato. Get it Andy, get it. Throw it. We’re neato, we’re neato. Look Mom, we’re neato. Neato, butt naked in
the El Camino. I’m white like Berry,
not brown like Nino. Dirt Nasty, don’t ask me what’s
neat while I’m shitting on the track like Waka
Flocka Seagulls. Evil, don’t look through the
peephole unless you want to see your grandma sitting
on my meat pole. Locked up in Chino, got shanked
by a Latino for a bag for a bag of Hot Fritos. My dick mas piquito. Neato, still whip it like Devo
because my dick’s short and fat like Danny DeVito. Barely legal, hotter than a
jalapeno, as she dropped to her knees and did
the Tim Tebow. Neato, neato, neat,
neat, neato. Neato, neato, neat,
neat, neato. We’re neato, we’re neato. Look Mom, we’re neato. Look kids, we’re neato. Neato, neato, neat,
neat, neato. Neato, neato, neat,
neat, neato. We’re neato, we’re neato,
look Mom, we’re neato. Nik Nikateen, what, neato. Going crazy out here. Fuck you. Tear that shit down. Tear it down. YouTube, I got a new video
on YouTube with a picture of my dick. It got 10 million views. Tear all that shit down. We love you, YouTube. BEN SCHWARTZ: Owen Wilson. OWEN WILSON: How you doing? BEN SCHWARTZ: Vince Vaughn. VINCE VAUGHN: How are you? BEN SCHWARTZ: Come on,
baby, the hottest comedy duo there is. The heat from you guys. Wedding Crashers, enormous. What I’m trying to do is to get
you guys as the red hot duo in a new movie. What do you think? You like this idea? OWEN WILSON: Yeah,
it makes sense. BEN SCHWARTZ: Vin? VINCE VAUGHN: Do you
have a good idea? BEN SCHWARTZ: I’ve got
a project for you that you might love. It’s called “The Hobbit.”
Enjoy it. Read it. OWEN WILSON: “The Hobbit.” BEN SCHWARTZ: “The Hobbit.” VINCE VAUGHN: I don’t
understand what you’re talking about. BEN SCHWARTZ: OK, buddy
comedy, right? VINCE VAUGHN: It’s not
a buddy comedy. I don’t want to step
on your feet here. BEN SCHWARTZ: Hold up, you don’t
want to step on what? VINCE VAUGHN: Hold on. BEN SCHWARTZ: So that’s it. So we got our movie. Do I just say green light it? VINCE VAUGHN: No. I’m not doing “The Hobbit.” BEN SCHWARTZ: Sean, we’ll
call you back. So not “The Hobbit”? Not “The Hobbit.”
But tell me why. Is it because of
a timing thing? VINCE VAUGHN: I think,
look, I’m a tall guy. And hobbits are small. And it doesn’t make any sense. OWEN WILSON: I guess somebody
should let Eddie Murphy know he can’t play a clone. And he can’t play the white guy
in the barber shop scene in “Coming to America.” BEN SCHWARTZ: And I would say
Dustin Hoffman’s not a woman, but he played Tootsie. You can do this, VV. You know what I mean? OWEN WILSON: He does
raise a good point. It’s about dreaming. That’s what film’s about. VINCE VAUGHN: I understand,
Owen. OWEN WILSON: We let ourselves
dream a little. VINCE VAUGHN: It’s not a buddy
comedy for me and you. OWEN WILSON: You know
what hobbits have? Heart. BEN SCHWARTZ: Oh God. OWEN WILSON: This
guy has heart. BEN SCHWARTZ: Yeah,
what about that? OWEN WILSON: And
he can play it. BEN SCHWARTZ: So what
about that? Let you heart shine and
become a tiny guy. OWEN WILSON: I love the idea. I love the idea of
playing Gandalf. But throw out some
other ideas. You’re right, you’re right. BEN SCHWARTZ: You
know what it is? Maybe do a period piece, huh? About a president. About the president. OWEN WILSON: Lincoln. BEN SCHWARTZ: Oh! OWEN WILSON: Guess who’s
from Illinois? BEN SCHWARTZ: I can’t imagine
it’s Vince Vaughn. OWEN WILSON: Yeah. BEN SCHWARTZ: No, man. VINCE VAUGHN: I just
don’t think– OWEN WILSON: You can’t say
you’re too big to play that. BEN SCHWARTZ: Put this on for
me, just for a minute. VINCE VAUGHN: No. OWEN WILSON: Come on. BEN SCHWARTZ: Oh! Oh, do you hear that? The office just turned oval. I feel like I’m staring at
the president right now. Just say four score. OWEN WILSON: Although, how would
that be a buddy movie? BEN SCHWARTZ: Easy. John Wilkes Booth. Abraham Lincoln. VINCE VAUGHN: OK, John Wilkes
Booth and Abraham Lincoln were not buddies. One was an assassin. OWEN WILSON: No, no, but
it gives us an arc. It gives us some
place to go to. BEN SCHWARTZ: OK, then we
re-route it, easily. We make them roommates. Makes them buddies. VINCE VAUGHN: John Wilkes
Booth kills Lincoln. It’s not a buddy comedy. BEN SCHWARTZ: Give me a
little improv maybe. Maybe you guys lived together. Give me some of that riff magic
you guys do when like, Vinnie says like, uh, sarcastic,
and then Owen goes, but I’m a hippie. Give me some of that
stuff, OK? You’re Abraham Lincoln. You’ve gotta smile for
me, Vinnie, Jesus Christ, a tiny bit. Use it. That’s great. And then Owen, you’re
John Wilkes Booth. You can initiate it. Is that impossible? OWEN WILSON: Yeah, let’s
try this one. You know, I have a
big date tonight. And I need my lucky hat. I can’t find it. It’s this hat. Where would it be? VINCE VAUGHN: Here’s you hat. Here’s your hat, roommate. Take it. OWEN WILSON: Here we go. And scene. Yeah, OK, but now let
me play Gandalf. BEN SCHWARTZ: Right into it. OWEN WILSON: Give me a
better hat, though. BEN SCHWARTZ: Gandalf, plop that
on and see what happens. OWEN WILSON: OK, put this on. BEN SCHWARTZ: Go, go, go. VINCE VAUGHN: Honestly. OWEN WILSON: Give me a pipe. Because I’m going to smoke some
of that Buckshire weed. OK. Oh, oh, where’s my little
hobbit friend? BEN SCHWARTZ: Yeah,
talk like an old Jewish man, that’s good. Good, good, good. OWEN WILSON: Where’s my
little hobbit friend? BEN SCHWARTZ: And Vin, you enter
as the hobbit friend. OWEN WILSON: Oh, there he is. That’s the biggest hobbit
I’ve ever seen. BEN SCHWARTZ: Vin, yeah? Should we just say yes
to this, or no? Just tell me. Let’s put it on speaker phone. VINCE VAUGHN: I just don’t know
what we’re doing here. OWEN WILSON: Oh God. It’s so exhausting to just
like try and just be tap dancing like Fred Astaire
and have this guy be like Doctor No. You’re nothing without your
energy, your enthusiasm. VINCE VAUGHN: I think
that it’s crazy. I think it’s crazy. I think I’m wasting my day. BEN SCHWARTZ: Crazy good? Finish your sentences. VINCE VAUGHN: Crazy terrible. BEN SCHWARTZ: Crazy
terrible, I know. What about “48 Hours”? VINCE VAUGHN: I love “48 Hours.”
We’re not going to remake “48 Hours.” BEN SCHWARTZ: Of course
we’re not. We’re going to make our own
original movie that has nothing to do with
that, “41 Hours.” VINCE VAUGHN: Is there a camera
or something in here? Is this a joke? BEN SCHWARTZ: There is
a camera right there. But it’s for my wife to make
sure I’m not cheating on her. It has nothing to do with
filming you guys. I wouldn’t cheat on her. VINCE VAUGHN: Do you have
any original ideas? BEN SCHWARTZ: I do. VINCE VAUGHN: I love
your enthusiasm. I don’t mean to be a downer. So far we have “The Hobbit,”
which I don’t think is– let’s just refresh. Not a buddy comedy. OWEN WILSON: Take the
dream, put it away. VINCE VAUGHN: Lincoln, Lincoln,
Lincoln with John Wilkes Booth? Not a buddy comedy. BEN SCHWARTZ: Not yet. VINCE VAUGHN: Not ever. BEN SCHWARTZ: We’ll pass. We’ll pass. VINCE VAUGHN: And now we’re
talking about remaking “48 Hours” but making
it “42 Hours”? BEN SCHWARTZ: Ooh, did
I already say that? VINCE VAUGHN: Yeah. BEN SCHWARTZ: Oh. It’s a great idea. VINCE VAUGHN: No. BEN SCHWARTZ: No, it isn’t. I’m kidding. VINCE VAUGHN: OK. So what we need is just some
simple kind of fun idea with a fun world to go into, comedy. I’m happy to hear an idea. But I honestly gotta
get out of here. BEN SCHWARTZ: But there’s
no watch on your wrist. VINCE VAUGHN: I know
there’s not. But I gotta get out of here. BEN SCHWARTZ: Two friends, OK? Already this is amazing, right,
that crash weddings. VINCE VAUGHN: Let’s go. BEN SCHWARTZ: It was
great to see you. Thanks for coming in. We’ll just reschedule. OK. Is this a no, or loosely
attached? OWEN WILSON: Loosely attached. BEN SCHWARTZ: Hey Owen. VINCE VAUGHN: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Very nice to be here at
the big show here. And yes, it’s true. There was a lot of ideas thrown
at me and Owen after “Wedding Crashers.” And none of
them really made any sense. It seems like there’s a lot
of sequels and stuff. So it’s nice to actually have
an idea and a movie actually about something. And the movie’s very funny. But it’s also very timely. And it’s very nice to
be with this crowd. This is an attractive crowd. This is a hungry crowd. And this is a sexual crowd. I know what’s going on here. I know what’s going on. All right, guys, thank
you very much. I’m proud of you. Thank you. I mean it. I’m proud of you. Thank you. Thank you. ANDY SAMBERG: Hey. So next up is a video written
by and starring a 2008 prime time Emmy nominee for
outstanding guest actress in a comedy series for her role
as Marcy Maven on “Monk.” JORMA TACCONE: You may
remember her from the beginning of the show. She’s the queen of jeans. AKIVA SCHAFFER: The
Hoodie McGoodie. ANDY SAMBERG: The bee’s knees. JORMA TACCONE: The crocodile’s
butt hole. AKIVA SCHAFFER: The butterfly
effect herself. ANDY SAMBERG: Sarah Silverman
and “The Perfect Night.” Get off me. SARAH SILVERMAN: [SINGING] Tonight is the night I’m
going to celebrate. Stay at home, order in, watch
a movie, then masturbate. And I’m not going
out to the club. Like I’ve ever even
been to a club. But I got a feeling this is
going to be a perfect night. WILL.I.AM: It’s a
perfect night. It’s a perfect night. Tonight’s the night. It’s going to be right. It’s the perfect night. SARAH SILVERMAN: I’m staying
home by myself, don’t need anybody else. It’s just me, myself, and I
with my puppy by my side. Got my phone for clever
Tweeting. I just followed Michael
Keaton. And I’m tired and I’m lazy. Shit’s about tonight
get crazy. WILL.I.AM: Yeah, she walking
in sweatpants. And she watering them plants. And she ordering food because
she’s not in the mood to wash all them pans. Now she taking a bong hit. And she shaving her armpits. Now she looking for
something that she wanna watch on Netflix. SARAH SILVERMAN: Tonight
is the night I’m going to celebrate. Stay at home, order in, watch
a movie, then masturbate. And you won’t find me
out at the store. Because I’ll never even
walk out the door. But I got a feeling this is
going to be the perfect night. Don’t need no heavy bass. WILL.I.AM: Like a club. SARAH SILVERMAN: Just need
to watch my face. WILL.I.AM: Scrub a dub. SARAH SILVERMAN: Floss my
teeth, take a puff, and brush my teeth. Don’t need no heavy bass. WILL.I.AM: No bass. SARAH SILVERMAN: This ain’t
the time or place. WILL.I.AM: No, it ain’t. SARAH SILVERMAN: I floss my
teeth then take a puff then I brush my teeth. WILL.I.AM: Teeth. SARAH SILVERMAN: Drink some
coconut water because hydration is so ill. Then I have a Dove Sensation
and I give my dog his pill. Almost ready for my beddie, put
some Palmer’s on my skin. Put a YouPorn on my iPhone and
I type my search words in. Gang, amateur, cum,
high fives. I got a feeling this is going
to be a perfect night. I got a feeling this is going
to be a perfect night. MALE SPEAKER: Wow. I don’t remember school
being this cool. Does that say that? It’s an epic rap battle. Sorry. It’s the Epic Rap Battles
of History. SKRILLEX: My name is
Skrillex, man. Welcome to the Devil’s Den. I’m a scary monster stomping
this bright and frilly pant. You’re a weirdo, wolfie, into
powdered wigs and poof. And your cousin blew notes on
your little magic flute. Your daddy makes the Jackson 5
look like “The Family Circus,” you might have been a genius. But you died broke
and worthless. I’m rich. My claim to fame is I’m a
playlist, I’m the A list. You’re the vainest. Kiss my ass, Amadeus. AMADEUS: Was that a verse or did
you just get the hiccups? I’m a prodigy, son. And I’m about to smack
a bitch up. My music is 200 years old,
and it’s still excellent. Two more months, the world
will forget about your Skrillexcrement. Look at how you dress when you
dubstep out of the house. You’re an emo Steve Urkel and
you reek of deadmau5. I am the world’s greatest
composer. No one knows what you are,
except a lonely little troll who knows how to press
a space bar. SKRILLEX: I attack, you decay. Can’t sustain my releases. Sad chain, Wolfgang, Bangarang
you to pieces. I’m a self-made man, you’re
a slave to your pappa. I’m a rock star. Mix you with the bass
and the drop ya. Global, my strobes glow
like Chernobyl. Kids explode and get mobile. No one even knows you. I make the whole world move. You play community theater. I gained your same fame from
home on a blown out speaker. AMADEUS: Oh yes, I heard
that EP, and see, I transcribed it here. Tell me, what comes after the
68th measure of diarrhea? What kind of drugs does
it take to enjoy this? No idea. I’ve seen more complexity
in a couch from IKEA. From piano to fortissimo, that
means soft to very loud, because I’m guessing that
you didn’t know. Put down your Cubase and
pick up a real bow. I rocked harder than you when
I was five years old! MALE SPEAKER: Who won? Who’s next? You decide. Epic Rap Battles of History! [APPLAUSE] [HONKING NOISE] MALE SPEAKER: YouTube sensation
Toby Turner. Oh, I didn’t know he was
going to be here. Toby Turner! TOBY TURNER: Hi. This is a dramatic
song I wrote. It’s actually called
Dramatic Song. Title just came to me. It felt right. This song sounds dramatic, but
I’m bad at writing the words. If you don’t speak English,
this probably sounds pretty good. You probably think I’m
singing about some pretty serious stuff. But in reality, I’m singing
about the lack of stuff I’m singing about. This part’s intense and
emotional, as long as you don’t understand it. Your foreign grandma would
love this song. Please send it to her. And she’ll probably tell her
foreign friends about this song her grandson or doctor
sent her today. This song might hit charts in
a country if parts sounded like Coldplay, if the chorus
sounds like Coldplay. Then I put some la la la’s
in there, la la la la, la la la la. Hopefully your foreign
grandma listens to this song every day. And if she asks you to translate
the lyrics, here’s what you say. A perfect translation
does not exist. Well, at least, not
in your language. But if you must know,
well, picture this. 50 billion rainbows and the sun
is setting and the moon is setting also, and you’re
there in a gazebo. And then God descends from
heaven and he gives you a million dollars. Take that feeling. And put it into a song. I could translate word
by word, but that’d take too long. And I’ve got stuff
to do, Grandma. I don’t have time for this. You gotta trust me, Grandma. This freaking song
is the shhh. Thanks. This is not another song. It’s just the intro to the
next performer, whose name is John Dore. John Dore, John Dore,
John Dore. Ladies and gentlemen,
John Dore. JOHN DORE: Wow. What a beautiful introduction. And to everyone out there
watching YouTube who aren’t watching the TV sets, the Ottawa
Senators did just tie the game to put it
into overtime. No one gives a shit. I understand, I understand. But I do. I care about a lot of things. And I don’t know if you’ve ever
seen a video of a baby giraffe getting born, but it’s
the most horrifying thing you’ll ever see in your life. It’s not like the
mother helps. Doesn’t lie down. The mother stands straight up. It’s like watching a baby fall
out a three story window. And then have to fight its way
out of a gelatinous sac. It’s disgusting. So I’ve written a song on behalf
of the baby giraffe. And I hope you like it. It’s called Mama,
Bend Yo’ Knees. It needs lyrics. There’s no question. But I like it. That’s a great song. It really captures the spirit
of the baby giraffe. When I was in the 11th grade,
was I in my friend Jeff’s basement, and did he give
me a bottle of beer? Yes, he did. Did I chug the beer? Yes, I did. Afterwards, Jeff started
laughing. And I said, Jeffrey,
what amuses you so? And true story, Jeff had put two
tabs of acid in my beer. Fact. For the next half hour,
I was fucking furious. For the next six hours,
I was the Lizard King. And that is also a fact. It can be checked. I’m not trying to be cute. But then I had to explain to my
innocent, non-drug abusing girlfriend Melissa that I’d just
taken two tabs of acid. And that is this same thing as
trying to explain to someone you’re about to become
a werewolf. There’s no difference. Melissa, you should go. I’m going to be different
soon. We never found her body. No, you didn’t let me finish. We never found her body again. Now, I don’t have a lot
of time up here. But I’ll tell you this. YouTube did ask me if
I would do one of my classic YouTube jokes. So here it is for you, one of
my classic YouTube jokes. Last week, I went out
with a lovely lady. And I used the date rape drug
for the first time. But you know what? It just made me really tired. Like, I’m not taking
that pill again. Part way through the date,
I’m getting drowsy. It’s like, I’m not going to get
any raping done like this. I’m exhausted. Classic YouTube joke. But you know what? It wasn’t always that way. That is the final edited
product, all right? But it went through a lot of
different forms of evolution to become that perfect,
concise joke. And I thought for fun tonight,
I’d give you a couple of examples of how that
joke used to go. I remember the first time I told
it, it went like this. Hey, everyone. I went out with a
girl recently. And I gave her– or gave me, I gave her
the date rope, not rope, rape, no, rope. I wish I had a rope. I’d strangle myself. So it went like that
the first time. Wasn’t very good. I was very nervous,
very young. I remember one time, I was
performing in a pool hall. And people were playing
billiards, and the joke went like this. Well, last week I went out
with a lovely lady. And I used the date– um– sorry, sorry everyone. Last week, I went out
with a lovely lady. And I used the uh–
oh fuck, come on. Guys, enough with
the billiards. I’m trying to tell jokes
up here, all right? Just leave it. Professional on stage, OK? Idiots. Anyway, last week I went out
with a lovely lady and I used the– what are you doing? Oh my God. I didn’t mean anything. I didn’t mean anything. Ow. MALE SPEAKER: Who’s funny now? JOHN DORE: I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it. I was just trying
to tell a joke. Don’t put that up my butt. Don’t put it up my butt. Give me– ahh! CARLIE MARGOLIS: YouTube is the
latest video website to jump into the original
programming arena. The site recently announced its
first high profile long form venture, a 13 episode
dramatic adaptation of the popular video Turtle
Has Sex with Shoes. Acclaimed director David Fincher
has signed on to direct the hour long pilot,
which will reunite him with Fight Club star Edward Norton,
who’s been cast as a high powered New York City attorney
who owns a turtle and a pair of sneakers. According to New York Times
media analyst David Carr, quote, “This is the future
of television. YouTube did extensive research
to find out what their users want to see. Turns out, it’s 13 hours of a
turtle having sex with shoes that you can watch in one
sitting.” In addition to Norton, the series will costar
Rosario Dawson as a no-nonsense district attorney,
and Academy Award nominee Paul Giamatti as the passionate,
grunting voice of the turtle who has sex with Mr.
Norton’s shoes. When asked what attracted him to
this project, Fincher told Rolling Stone, quote,
“This is the dream come true for a filmmaker. When I saw the original video,
my immediate thoughts were, who is this turtle? Why is it having sex
with this shoe? Where is this taking place? YouTube is allowing us to tell
a very dark, compelling story here.” While the full 13 episode first
season won’t be released until this fall, YouTube
has unveiled a teaser trailer for the show. Let’s take a look. MALE SPEAKER: The great thing
about this next performer is that he’s next. Oh yeah, plus, he’s
like a magician. Dang. This is Justin Willman. JUSTIN WILLMAN: What
is up, YouTube? Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve
shrouded myself behind a dark curtain to build suspense. Can I get an ooh, ahh? AUDIENCE: Ooh, ahh. JUSTIN WILLMAN: There’s a dude
in the second row with black hair and a blue button
up shit. What’s your name, dude? Dude? Name, loud, what is it? JESSE: Jesse. JUSTIN WILLMAN: Jesse. Jesse, you’re about
to get magished. Jesse, name any vegetable
or fruit. JESSE: Strawberries. JUSTIN WILLMAN: Strawberry? JESSE: Yep. JUSTIN WILLMAN: Shit. Hello, what’s up, YouTube? How’s it going? This side, what’s
up, this side? This side? Give it up for Jesse,
everybody. One day, that’s going
to kill, though. Can you imagine? Dude says banana? That could have been tonight. But Jesse is here. Anyway, my name is
Justin Willman. I am a magician. This is great to be doing
a show in Los Angeles. Los Angeles crowd, we’re
feeling good? Normally, I have to travel. And you can imagine, being a
magician going through airport security, it is complicated,
with like banana suits and shit. So I actually have a couple
handy tricks to speed up the TSA process. I take all my metal objects,
like my phone and my watch and my ring. And instead of having them on me
when I go through security and setting off the metal
detector, what I do is I put them in a TSA friendly
envelope. We pop the watch in there,
and the ring in there. Perfect. And the phone, you want
to be careful not to scratch the screen. Now Jesse, do you travel much? JESSE: Yeah. JUSTIN WILLMAN: You do. Awesome. TSA, they don’t have
a sense of humor. So when you write not guns,
they assume it’s guns. And they take whatever
you just gave them, and destroy it. It’s cool, though, because I
always still have my ring. And I always still
have my watch. And I always still
have my phone. That’s how I travel, people. That’s how I travel. Magnets. Magnets. Pete Holmes, he’s right. Being a magician in
2013 is hard. Like, when I was 14, I
used to do shows at kids’ birthday parties. It was adorable, OK. And I would close the show by
pulling a rabbit out of a hat. People didn’t care how
the trick worked. They weren’t trying
to bust me. They were just happy there
was a rabbit there. They wanted to pet it. It’s cute. But if I did that now, I’d pull
the rabbit out of a hat right here on this stage, you
guys would be like, psh, it’s up his sleeve. There’s a trap door. How was the bunny treated? And I think that audiences,
you guys, have been desensitized partly because
of the iPhone. This is a magical device
that’s in our pockets at all times. It does miracles. We take it for granted. Like, I could hold this
thing up to a speaker, it’ll tell me the song. That’s magic. 10 years ago, I could’ve
closed with that. That would’ve been awesome. I can say, take me to
the YouTube show. Using satellites, it’ll
take me here. Sometimes, it’ll make
a phone call. It’s an amazing device. So what I’d love
to do is this. This is kind of improvised. But I’m going to see if Siri, my
lovely assistant, can teach us a magic trick. We’re going to merge the classic
art of magic in the new world of technology. And if you’re with me,
give me a hell yes. AUDIENCE: Hell yes. JUSTIN WILLMAN: OK. I’m going to patch in
my Bluetooth to the sound system here. All right, here we ago. Hello, Siri. SIRI: Hello, Justin. JUSTIN WILLMAN: Can you teach
me a magic trick? SIRI: Did you say, teach
me a magic trick? JUSTIN WILLMAN: Yes,
you’re amazing. It’s amazing. SIRI: OK. I will help you create a magic
trick using ordinary objects in your vicinity. JUSTIN WILLMAN: OK. SIRI: What objects do
you have nearby? JUSTIN WILLMAN: A cloth napkin,
banana, bottle of– SIRI: Perfect. We’ll use the cloth napkin
and the bandana. JUSTIN WILLMAN: Cloth
napkin and a banana. Banana. SIRI: Correct. The bandana. JUSTIN WILLMAN: Banana. SIRI: Pick up the bandana. Now fold the bandana in half. JUSTIN WILLMAN: Banana. SIRI: Trust me, Justin. Fold it in half. Now fold it one more time. Take the folded bandana and
hide it in your left hand. Remember to keep your hand held
in a natural position. This is called palming. Now that you have mastered
palming, we are ready to begin. Open up the folded bandana. Show the audience it’s a regular
bandana by waving it up and down. If an audience member does not
believe it is a real bandana, allow him to wipe
his face on it. JUSTIN WILLMAN: Jesse? You good? SIRI: Pick up the cloth napkin
and gather the corners together, forming
a makeshift bag. Using your free hand, fold the
bandana along the creases you made earlier. And drop it into the
makeshift bag. From the outside of the napkin,
squeeze the bandana into a small little ball. What the audience didn’t see is
that you never really put the bandana into the
napkin at all. You really kept it in
your left hand. Remember palming? JUSTIN WILLMAN: No. SIRI: Now, make a
magical gesture. For the big finale, fling open
the napkin and receive your well-deserved applause. JUSTIN WILLMAN: I’m
Justin Willman. Thank you guys so much. Good night. MALE SPEAKER: Ladies
and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, a very
funny man named Jeffrey Ross. JEFFREY ROSS: How about a
hand for the Availables? What’s up? How you doing, YouTubers? It’s Comedy Week, W-E-A-K,
am I right? Yeah. I want to try something a
little bit different. I want to try speed roasting
YouTube fans, volunteers from the audience. There’s a stairwell
right here. Anybody who wants to come
up, this is your chance. I’ll take as many people. Just come on up right now. Let’s go, babe. Come on. Whoa, that might be too many. Hold on. The first, like, six. Just fuck it, come
up, let’s go. OK, that’s good. OK, I think we got enough. That’s good, that’s
good, that’s good. You have to come up. But forget you guys. No, it’s too many. It’s too many. It’s OK. All right, look at this. Give it up for my volunteers. Move down this way. Look at this outfit. Did you make this yourself? NICOLE: Yes. JEFFREY ROSS: What’s
your name? NICOLE: Nicole. JEFFREY ROSS: Nicole? I’m already fucking
bored with you. Let’s go with you. Is this your friend
right here? FEMALE SPEAKER: Nope. JEFFREY ROSS: No? Look at you. Stand up, you two. Look at that. Two fives make a 10. Speed roasting. Come on, deal with it. Look at you. What’s your name? MELISSA: Melissa. JEFFREY ROSS: Melissa, you’re
almost fuckable. Oh my God, look at that. Your balls are hanging
down your skirt. How you doing, sir? MALE SPEAKER: Good. JEFFREY ROSS: Look at you. Steroids make you look
retarded, holy shit. I never use the word retarded,
but it just seemed to fit with you for some reason. Nice shirt. What, do you keep it in your
glove compartment? Iron it once in a while. How you doing, babe? FEMALE SPEAKER: Good,
how are you? JEFFREY ROSS: What’s
going on with you? FEMALE SPEAKER: Not much. JEFFREY ROSS: Who
you here with? FEMALE SPEAKER: You. JEFFREY ROSS: Oh my God. Look at you. Wow. I wouldn’t fuck you
with his dick. How you doing, sir? What’s going on? Come over here. Look at this. Harry Potter’s blonde
something. Don’t you tuck your shirt
in or something? I don’t know why. I just want to beat you
up for some reason. It’s probably everything. Look at you. How you doing, babe? Look at you, oh my God. You’re like a little
red headed Snooki. You’re like Cookie. And who’s this right here? MCKENNA: I’m McKenna. JEFFREY ROSS: McKenna? MCKENNA: Yes. JEFFREY ROSS: What’s
your story? MCKENNA: I’m sitting there,
and I’m here, and stuff. I don’t know. JEFFREY ROSS: What do
you do all day? MCKENNA: I don’t know. Shit. JEFFREY ROSS: Shit? Have you seen the two girls,
one cup videos? Wow. I have a video coming out. It’s called one guy, no cup. I just jerk off for
two minutes. How you doing, sir? I loved you as the guard
in Schindler’s List. And who’s this, your gardener? Step up here, sir,
how you doing? What’s your story, illegal
immigrant? MALE SPEAKER: Work for
Microsoft, that’s about it. JEFFREY ROSS: Microsoft? You’re making people’s dicks
microsoft right now. What do you do for Microsoft? MALE SPEAKER: Play
video games. JEFFREY ROSS: Play
video games? That’s your job? You’re the fucking coolest guy
in this fucking place, man. And who’s this lady wearing
a piano doily? How you doing? Does your grandma know
you stole the doily off the grand piano? You’re very cute in, like,
a horror movie. Here, come over here, sir. This guy I know. Is this Harley? Good to see you. Harley from Epic Meal
Time, oh my God. Hold on a second, Harley. And who’s this, your sister? How you doing, sir? Sir, ma’am, I’m not really
sure what it is. Are you OK? I love you on the cover
of Mad magazine. MAX: Thank you. JEFFREY ROSS: What’s your
name, Andy Milonakis? MAX: It’s Max. JEFFREY ROSS: Max? All right, take it easy, Max. You have the biggest boobs on
this stage right now, do you realize that? Dude, Harley, step up
here for a second. I’m such a fan of your
YouTube show. Have you guys seen
Epic Meal Time? Wow. How long you been
doing that show? HARLEY: Almost three
years now. JEFFREY ROSS: What video
have you done that’s had the most hits? HARLEY: We made a lasagna with
about 45 hamburgers from different fast food
restaurants. JEFFREY ROSS: How many people
have watched that video? HARLEY: Either 15 million people
watched it, or three million people watched
it five times. I don’t know. JEFFREY ROSS: Wow. That’s more hits than Rihanna
took to the face. It’s fucking YouTube, relax. That’s so cool. And you’re kind of fat. Do you eat a lot of
the shit you make? HARLEY: Well, you know, we’re
not so different, you and I. Except I’m actually paid to
look like a fat slob. You’re just a fat slob. I’m happy he’s here, though. Because now I’m not the only
person that smells like cake frosting and Arby’s. JEFFREY ROSS: I’m getting
roasted by an Internet chef. Wow. HARLEY: I’d invite you to come
cook on our show, except our set is within 1,000
feet of a school yard, so I don’t think– JEFFREY ROSS: Not allowed
within 1,000 feet. You got me on that one. Thank you, Harley. You’re awesome, buddy. How about a hand for
all my YouTube fan volunteers, everybody? Good sports. Thank you. Thank you. All right, thank
you everybody. I love you. MALE SPEAKER: Ladies and
gentlemen, Tim and Eric. TIM: Let’s hear it, everybody. Come on now. We like lobster. ERIC: This is great. TIM: How many people out there
are big Red Lobster fans, huh? How many people just can’t
get enough Red Lobster? Can you cut the music
now, please? We’re done with the
Red Lobster bit. ERIC: Cut the fucking music. TIM: Cut the music. Stop the music. ERIC: Cut it. TIM: Stop the music. ERIC: Cut it. TIM: Come on, stop the
fucking music. ERIC: Shit show. TIM: Turn the fucking–
turn the music off. Well, thank you guys so much. So happy to be here, part
of Comedy Week. What a great night it’s been. How much fun has
this been, huh? ERIC: It’s totally awesome. TIM: Thanks, guys. Now, I bet a lot of you guys are
wondering, what the hell? Why are you guys so red? Why are you holding lobsters? Well, as you guys probably know,
this week we celebrate 100 years of Red Lobster. It’s been 100 years. 100 years. ERIC: Tim, I cannot believe
how long it’s been. And you know, growing up, every
Friday, I would go to Red Lobster with my family. And on my birthday, my step
pappa would turn to me and say son, why don’t you upgrade
to the surf and turf? TIM: Oh. ERIC: It was awesome. TIM: I knew this guy was
a surf and turf freak. I knew it from the
moment I met him. He loves surf and turf. Well, Eric, you’re going to be
so excited to find out that this week, Red Lobster is
introducing, for the first time ever, they’re calling it
the endless summer all you can eat surf and turf. How many people would love
the sound of that? ERIC: Holy shit! Endless summer surf and
turf, just timed for the real summer. Ba ha! Just in time for summer. Ba ha! TIM: I didn’t realize the
timing was so perfect. ERIC: Who writes this stuff? Ba ha! TIM: Thank you so much. Well, Eric, that’s true. We are very excited about this
endless summer surf and turf. ERIC: We really are. You know, the good folks over
at Red Lobster are going to blow the roof off of what you
and I think turf really is. TIM: That’s right. Because you know, we all get
stuck in that paradigm where we think that turf
means steak. I love steak, no offense
to steak haters. ERIC: Tim’s a beef boy. Ba ha! Ba ha ha! TIM: If you’re going to go off
teleprompter, let me know. ERIC: Ba ha ha! TIM: No, but it’s
true, though. They’re going to stop the way
you think about what turf is. ERIC: Absolutely. TIM: For example, if
you don’t want steak, you can get chicken. Or you could get pork. Hell, you can even
get Chinese food. ERIC: Hold on, Tim. What if I’m in the mood for some
succulent lob, but I also want some Italian pizza pie? TIM: Well, it’s whatever your
heart desires, my old friend. ERIC: Oh my God. Tim, my desire right now is to
have an intimate table for two with some of this endless summer
surf and turf by Red Lobster right now. TIM: Well, Eric, you’re my
friend, my partner in life. And I want to ask you to do
yourself a little favor. Why don’t you close your
eyes and make a wish. ERIC: Please, put me on the
endless summer surf and turf. Please, please. TIM: Eric, you might want
to take a look. ERIC: Oh, this is great. Let’s eat. Thank you, Tim. This is fantastic. TIM: By the way, guys, we’ve got
a very special treat for you guys, too. Hit the music. MALE SPEAKER: Ladies and
gentlemen, from the Black Eyed Peas, it’s Fergie. FEMALE SPEAKER: [SINGING] We were at a mall. Me and my friends were
very hungry. One wanted meat. The other one wanted lobster. Red Lobster. Red Lobster. Red Lobster, Red Lobster. Red Lobster, Red Lobster, Red
Lobster, Red Lobster. [APPLAUSE] TIM: Thank you, guys. Big round for Fergie, huh? Thank you guys so much. ERIC: Thank you from
Red Lobster. TIM: And anybody can help
themselves to our leftovers. Good night, everybody. MALE SPEAKER: I like the way
they work it, no diggity. I’d like to bag it up,
bag it up, boy. I like the way you work
it, no diggity. Like to bag it up,
bag it up now. MALE SPEAKER: Should I go now? Oh, sorry. Ladies and gentlemen,
Dax Flame. DAX FLAME: This is a quick
one that I wrote about homeless people. I gave a $10 bill to a
homeless woman in San Francisco once. It was my first day there, and
she had followed me from my hostel and told me all this
stuff about how she was pregnant, and how she also
currently had breast cancer and AIDS and a sick husband. I didn’t know if she was lying
or if she was just a hypochondriac. But I gave her the money
just to be kind. Another time, on that same San
Francisco trip though, I bought a drink from a
convenience store for $3.99. And the cashier gave
me a penny back. And as I walked out the door of
the store, a homeless man saw that I had change. And he said, ooh, for me? I smiled politely and began
to hand him the penny. As I put it in his hand,
his expression changed. And he yelled at me, oh,
an effing penny? Get the eff out of here, man. And I speed walked away
as fast as I could. Because I didn’t know if he
had a shiv or something. He’d asked for the penny,
and then yelled at me. It was because I had
unintentionally gotten his hopes up. And he was expecting more
than one lousy penny. But what should I have done? Just ignored him? It’s hard to know how to
navigate those kind of situations. Another time, a hobo asked me
for some money while I was eating in the outdoor
area of a cafe. And I offered him the cheese
off my sandwich, because I wasn’t going to eat
it anyways. And I just thought
I’d ask, since he told me he was hungry. And he just gave me a look
like he wanted to watch me die in a fire. There was only ever one time
when a hobo tried to punch me. Me and my parents were
just walking by. And he was sitting there holding
a cup of change out. I stopped, looked at him, and
he kind of smiled at me. So I reached my hand
into the cup. When he saw that I was about to
pull a fist full of change out, he swatted my hand away
and tried to hit my face. But I dodged his fist. I was only 10 when that
happened, and not familiar with the habits of homeless
people yet. So that’s why I didn’t
realize he was begging, and not offering. MALE SPEAKER: One time
I was sad, and then I watched these guys. It’s the Key of Awesome. THE KEY OF AWESOME: Grab every
single one of your friends and start a Mumford band. Take a Mumford stand. You don’t need a drummer
in a Mumford band. You just stomp your feet and
you clap your hands. Oh, pack your bag, we’re
going to Mumford land. We got our own spoon man. Excuse me, sir, I’d like
to know, where is this Mumford land? It’s somewhere between
Limerick and Williamsburg, Brookland. So pull up your suspenders,
chug another jug of wine. Tonight we’re going to
party like it’s 1899. We strum on our guitars
so hard we break our strummin’ hands. We use a toaster filter when
we post on Instagram. We used to be the house band for
the “Antiques Road Show.” Someone sound the trumpets,
now let’s do some heys and ho’s. Ho’s and heys, heys and ho’s. Three cheers for
the Lumineers. They’re a Mumford band. And Phillip Phillips. He’s a Mumford man. Well, he’s more of
a Mumford kid. We saw “O Brother, Where Art
Thou?” And said let’s start a band right now. Our clothing and our songs
are hand me downs. Spoon solo! The way we play is pure
and honest, bordering on weird and Amish. Technology is what we abolish
in Mumford land, except for our iPhones. Because we’re a Mumford band,
the oldest latest fad. And Johnny Depp’s a fan. Laddie plays the washboard,
Wendel plays the fipple flutes. Bare knuckle boxing’s how they
settle band disputes. Emmett plays the juice
harp, and Neil plays his own mustache. Thaddeus the bar keep makes
us cocktails in a flask. Joe scratches the Victrola
like an old timey DJ. Jill’s on social media, she
Twitters from the stage. We got too many members. Now the stage is caving in. Can’t tell where the
audience ends and where the band begins. Come on everyone,
clap your hands. Start a Mumford band, the
oldest latest fad. Start a Mumford band, the
oldest latest fad. Hey ho! Thank you very much. RHETT: YouTube is home to a
lot of challenge videos. LINK: These are videos of people
testing the limits of physical and emotional
embarrassment. RHETT: And we’ve combined all
these challenges together to the Ultimate YouTube Challenge
Challenge. LINK: We’ve got a bunch
of YouTubers. We got some milk, make
up, tin cans, marshmallows, you get the idea. RHETT: You guys ready? All right, we’re going
to get started with the cinnamon challenge. But a doctor said you can
die if you do that. So we’re going to do the safe
cinnamon challenge. That means, put the cinnamon
in your mouth and just spit it out. The YouTube Challenge Challenge
starts in 3, 2, 1. All right, now the Bunny
Make Up Challenge. For the next 10 seconds, put as
many marshmallows into your mouth as you can grab. All right, now apply the make
up in front of you on your face without the use
of a mirror. You have your 20 second
supernote, go. And now we’re moving on to
the baby food challenge. Put your bib on. Put the bib on. Now on the count of three, tell
us what you think it is. 3, 2, 1. MALE SPEAKER: Potato carrot
thing medley? MALE SPEAKER: Ugh, diarrhea. RHETT: OK, now we’re moving on
to the tin can challenge. Very carefully, grab one of
the tin cans from the ingredients table. Be careful with that
sharp edge. MALE SPEAKER: I’ve
got sauerkraut. MALE SPEAKER: Why am I getting
all the things that I hate? MALE SPEAKER: Spinach,
I think? FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh,
Spaghetti-Os. FEMALE SPEAKER: What is that? What the fuck is this? LINK: Raise your hand if
you have dog food. FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh, [BEEP]. Are you [BEEP]? RHETT: OK, now it’s time for
the wasabi challenge. MALE SPEAKER: Now they’re
making me eat wasabi. [SCREAMING] RHETT: It’s now time to wrap up
with the Harlem Milk Shake. Hit the music. [HARLEM SHAKE] RHETT: And that’s the YouTube
Challenge Challenge. Hey, we’re Rhett and Link,
creators of Nope, Chuck Testa, the ship that shipped a
commercial, and the YouTube Challenge Challenge that
you just watched. Why’d you do that? LINK: Well, that was
a spit take, Rhett. And YouTube is issuing
a new challenge, the spit take challenge. So I’m raising awareness
for it. RHETT: Yeah, but usually a spit
take is like a response to something funny. I haven’t said any– anything funny. OK, I see how this is going. OK. You can accept the YouTube
spit take challenge by uploading your creative version
of a spit take. I know you’re about
to do it again. LINK: No, that one didn’t
do anything for me. RHETT: So make your own
spit take video. Get creative with the liquids,
get creative with the setting. And then make sure you upload it
with the title YouTube spit take challenge. 2%? 2%? LINK: Nope, whole, guaranteed
organic. RHETT: OK, all right, good. LINK: Listen, make sure you
don’t have any liquid in your mouth for this next guy, or
you will ruin your screen. RHETT: Give it up for our final
performer of the night, Hannibal Buress. HANNIBAL BURESS: Yeah,
yeah, yes. Yes. Look at my suit. I’ve been doing comedy
for a few years. And one of my first big gigs,
I’m opening for Tracy Morgan at this theater in Chicago. Before the show started, I went
to his dressing room and said, hey man. How much time do you want me
to do before you go on? That’s a simple question
for the opener to ask the headliner. But he’s such a weirdo. Hey, just do a little time. You’ll be like the date rape
drug, and I’ll be like the big black dick. Yo, how much time
is that, man? Is that 15 minutes? All right, I’ll just do 15. That’s such a weird way to
think about time, man. I drink. That’s my vice of choice
is drinking. I don’t smoke weed. Because I get weird
when I smoke weed. When I drink, I’m able
to be in the moment. When I smoke weed, I overanalyze
the moment, which is not good to do while
you’re having sex. Because if I’m drunk and having
sex, I’m thinking yeah, this is cool. But if I’m high and I’m having
sex, I’m thinking yo, why is she letting me do this to her? What was her childhood like? What’s her relationship
with her father? Does she let everybody
smash this quick? I start doing weird stuff, doing
high sex, like counting my strokes. And one, two, three and a four,
is she satisfied, five. I tried cocaine in college. It was too intense. I went to this party coked up. As soon as we got there, this
girl threw a beer in my friend’s face. I freaked out. Fucking slap that bitch, man. She threw a beer on you,
now you slap her. He said Hannibal, relax. If I slap her, those five
dudes over there going to kick my ass. Yo, you just slap her. I’ll worry about the rest. And I never want to feel
like that again. There’s no reason for me to be
telling a dude to slap a woman and think I can beat
up five people. That’s not a necessary
sensation. And I don’t need it
in my life at all. I probably couldn’t beat
up five children. One of them kick me in the
balls, I fall over. They stomp on me. It’s a done deal. But I’d be lying if I said that
cocaine hasn’t brought some beautiful moments
into my life. When I was in Minneapolis, I
had a threesome with these girls that were on cocaine. I didn’t think a threesome
was going to happen. Because I thought the
fat one would leave. But when life gives
you lemons, you throw lemons at people. I didn’t want her to leave
because she was fat. She just didn’t seem that into
the whole situation at first. But once the cocaine got
into her, turns out, she was really cool. I didn’t do any cocaine
with them. Because it can soften
up your dick. And the last thing I need in
my hotel room is two angry, coked out, horny girls yelling
at me, Hannibal, what’s wrong with it? I don’t know. Can everybody just be quiet? And then we had a good old
fashioned Midwestern night. It was beautiful. I wake up, the hotel room
was kind of trashed. So I leave a nice tip
for housekeeping. I go off to do morning radio. I come back. The room is cleaned perfectly. They cleaned all around
the room. They cleaned on the
kitchen counter. Except they left a small
bump of cocaine. And I say, that’s extremely
professional hotel housekeeping right there. They love people. And that’s the type of attention
to detail that gets you a five star Yelp
review right there. I’ll be back to that Residence
Inn, Marriott. Three star hotel, five
star service. I was in Vegas for
Fourth of July. I see a billboard, comedian
Eddie Griffin had a show in Vegas. I said, oh man, that’d
be great. That’s one of the veterans. That’d be awesome
to see him live. But I go online to see how
much tickets were. Tickets were $70. I said shit, I don’t like
Eddie Griffin that much. That’s a lot of money for
a comedy show, $70. Because I don’t want that
pressure over my head when I’m watching the show. Because I’ll be thinking,
yeah, he funny. But he ain’t $70 funny. He good, I don’t know
about $70 good. But I still want to
finagle a way in. So I figured out a plan. I’ma call the box office, act
like I’m my own agent, trying to get tickets like that. I call the box office. Hello. Who handles VIP complimentary
tickets? I want to get some tickets
for my client to see Eddie Griffin tonight. And he said, what’s your name? And I hadn’t thought of
a fake agent name yet. They kind of put
me on the spot. So reflexively I said,
Hannibal Buress. I’m thinking, I just
messed up my hopes. Dammit. Because they don’t know me. And I can’t say I’m
Hannibal Buress represented by Hannibal Buress. That sounds dumb. They said, well, who
is your client? I had to think quick. I said, Donald Glover. And I hang up the phone. Now, I’m thinking that
they sensed the bullshit in my voice. Nothing’s going to happen. Five minutes later they
call back and say, how many tickets you need? I said, I need four tickets. And then we went and
watched the show. It was a good show. It wasn’t $70 good. But it was a good show. So now the show’s over. We’re finishing our drinks. And one of Eddie Griffin’s
lackeys comes up to our table and says, hey, you said that
Donald Glover was on TV shows with Eddie Griffin. Eddie don’t know Donald, and
Donald’s not even here. I said, first of all, you
are adding stuff to my lie right now. I never said they
worked together. I merely dropped the name and
the person at the box office fell for it. Second of all, the
show is over. I don’t know what you want
from me right now. I can’t vomit the comedy out
of my body back to you. It’s done, man. We experienced that
shit already. You’ve been had. It was a hoax. I’m Hannibal Buress represented by Hannibal Buress. Tell Eddie I said great show. I’m looking for new clients. Thanks a lot, YouTube,
and this crowd. Before I leave, I don’t
know if y’all know. I got the top single in Norway
right now, the top rap single in Norway. It’s called Gibberish Rap. Yo. My DJ right there, Skrillex
is my DJ. Yo, Skrillex, hit
that shit, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Rapper rap rap rapping. I’m rap a rap rap rapping. In my socks, rapping. Got on my jeans, jeans
dungarees, put on deodorant. [INAUDIBLE] hold the spit, [GIBBERISH] Gibberish rap, spin
shit, [GIBBERISH] Killing the bitch. [GIBBERISH] got a chicken dick,
[GIBBERISH] speak and spit, [GIBBERISH], you
cut that shit, Skrillex. Yo, man. I don’t really think
they get– I don’t think they understand
what’s happening right now. It’s a wave of confusion
and excitement in the room right now. Hit that shit one more time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Rapping rap rap rapping. I’m rap a rap rap rapping. In my socks, rapping. Got on my jeans, dungarees, put
on deodorant, [INAUDIBLE]. Gibberish rap, spin shit. [GIBBERISH] Killing a bitch. [GIBBERISH] got a chicken dick. [GIBBERISH] speak and spit, [GIBBERISH] You cut that, man. You know what? Hey man. Third time’s a charm. Hit that shit one more time. Rap a rap rap rapping. I’m rap a rap rap rapping. In my socks, rapping. Got on my jeans, dungarees, put
on deodorant, [INAUDIBLE]. hold the spit, [GIBBERISH]. Gibberish rap, spin shit. [GIBBERISH] Killing a bitch. [GIBBERISH] got a chicken dick,
[GIBBERISH] speak and spit, [GIBBERISH],
Yo, cut it, man. Cut it, yo. MALE SPEAKER: Yo Hannibal. HANNIBAL BURESS: Yo. MALE SPEAKER: Yo Hannibal. HANNIBAL BURESS: What’s up? MALE SPEAKER: I don’t think
they heard you. HANNIBAL BURESS: I don’t
think they heard me either, Ryan Phillippe. MALE SPEAKER: One more time. HANNIBAL BURESS: Let
me hit this shit a cappella real quick. Because I don’t think they
hear the lyrics. I’m going to hit
it a cappella. Rap a rap rap rapping. I’m rap a rap rap rapping. In my socks, rapping. Got on my jeans, jeans,
dungarees, put on deodorant. Show them shit, boulder
spit, [GIBBERISH] Gibberish rap, spitting shit. [GIBBERISH] Killing the bitch. [GIBBERISH] Got a chicken dick. [GIBBERISH] speak and spit, [GIBBERISH] Rap rap rapping. I’m rap a rap rap rapping. In my socks, rapping. Got on my jeans. Dungarees, Put on deodorant. [INAUDIBLE], [GIBBERISH] Gibberish rap, shit the
shit, [GIBBERISH]. [REPEATING]

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