The Daily Show – Burn Noticed

The Daily Show – Burn Noticed


>>Jon: WELCOME TO “THE DAILY
SHOW”! MY NAME IS JON STEWART! GOOD
SHOW! MY GUEST TONIGHT, AUTHOR JENNY
NORDBERG, SHE IS THE AUTHOR OF A BOOK CALLED “THE UNDERGROUND
GIRLS OF KABUL.” SHE WILL BE JOINING US A LITTLE
BIT LATER. BUT FIRST, NEW YORK CITY HOSTED
THE BIGGEST CLIMATE CHANGE MARCH IN HISTORY YESTERDAY
FEATURING THE BIGGEST HAT AND THE BIGGEST SIGN AND
THE BIGGEST KINDEST PUPPET LIBRARIAN AND THE
BIGGEST PAIN IN THE ASS TO GET ACROSS THE STREET
JUST TO GET TO CHIPOTLE.>>THERE WERE BOLD FACED NAMES. FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AL GORE,
MAYOR BILL DeBLASIO, AND U.N. SECRETARY GENERAL BAN KI-MOON.>>Jon: WHOA! WHOA! STOP THE PARADE! BAN KI-MOON? THE BIGGEST CLIMATE CHANGE IN
HISTORY. WHAT DID YOU COME STRAIGHT FROM
YOUR AUDITION FROM “YOU’RE A GOOD MAN,
CHARLIE BROWN”? LOOK AT YOU! YOU’RE WEARING YOUR
CAMP CLOTHES? YOU’RE BAN KI-MOON! YOU’RE THE
HEAD OF THE U.N. BY THE WAY, WHAT A GET FOR U.N. RADIO. U.N. RADIO GETTING BAN KI-MOON. NO, NO, I CAN’T TALK TO YOU. OH! HELLO. (LAUGHTER)
OF COURSE, POLITICIAN WEREN’T THE ONLY BIG SHOTS ON HAND.
THERE WERE A-LIST MOVIE STARS LIKE MARK
RUFFALO AND EDWARD NORTON, BOTH HAVE BECOME ACUTELY AWARE OF
ENVIRONMENTAL DANGERS SINCE THEIR ENCOUNTERS WITH GAMMA
RADIATION. THEY REALLY HAD… (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)>>Jon: WITH THAT SIZE IN STAR
POWER, YOU KNOW CABLE NEWS GAVE IT EVERYTHING THEY HAVE.>>ALISON KOSIK IS IN NEW
YORK. DESCRIBE THE SCENE FOR US EARLIER.
>>EARLIER? IT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING AS WE
SPEAK. (LAUGHTER)
>>Jon: PERHAPS IT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. PERHAPS YOU CAN TELL BY THE FACT
THAT NOBODY CAN SEE ME IN MY OWN NEWS REPORT. COME ON, CNN! THIS IS CROWD FOOTAGE 101! YOU PUT THE REPORTER IN FRONT OF
THE CROWD! MSNBC, SHOW THEM HOW IT’S DONE.>>LET’S HEAD THERE NOW. WE HAVE
NED RESNIKOFF WHO’S STAND BY –>>Jon: [BLEEP]! OH, JESUS! NOT THAT FAR! COME ON! (LAUGHTER)
KILL THE FEED! GOT A GIANT METEOR APPROACHING
THE PARADE! AHHH!
(LAUGHTER) WITH YESTERDAY’S SOUP IN HIS
STASH! (LAUGHTER) ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU MAY BE
THINKING, DO WE REALLY NEED A MARCH TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT
GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE? I MEAN, IT’S AN ACCEPTED
SCIENTIFIC PHENOMENON PRETTY MUCH EVERYWHERE. HERE’S WHY YOU NEED THE MARCH. IT’S ACCEPTED PRETTY MUCH
EVERYWHERE BUT THIS ONE PLACE CALLED THE UNITED STATES HOUSE
OF REPRESENTATIVES COMMITTEE ON SCIENCE, SPACE AND TECHNOLOGY. THIS IS TRUE. LAST WEEK THEY HELD A HEARING
THAT THEY APPARENTLY RECORDED IN 1971 —
(LAUGHTER) I GUESS THAT’S THE TECHNOLOGY
PART OF THE COMMITTEE NAME — ON PRESIDENT OBAMA’S PLAN TO SHRINK
CARBON EMISSIONS 30% BY 2030. THE HEARINGS’ SISYPHUS,
PRESIDENTIAL SCIENCE ADVISOR JOHN HOLDREN, CHARGED
WITH THE IMPOSSIBLE TASK OF PUSHING 1 MILLION POUNDS
OF IDIOT UP A MOUNTAIN. OF COURSE, LIKE ANY AVALANCHE,
IT DID BEGAN RATHER INNOCUOUSLY. TEXAS REPUBLICAN STEVE STOCKMAN.>>THE LEAD SCIENTIST AT NASA
SAID THIS, HE SAID WHAT ENDED THE ICE AGE WAS GLOBAL WOBBLING. IS THE WOBBLING OF THE EARTH
INCLUDED IN ANY OF YOUR MODELINGS? AND THE ANSWER WAS NO. WHEN YOU HAVE A MODEL AND YOU
SAY WE’LL LEAVE OUT THE MOST IMPORTANT IMPACT OF THAT MODEL
OUT OF OUR THEORY AND NOT TALK ABOUT GLOBAL WOBBLING, HOW CAN
YOU MAKE PROJECTIONS? (LAUGHTER)
>>Jon: WHAT’S UP, SCIENTISTS? GLOBAL WOBBLING, BITCHES! (LAUGHTER)
HE SEES YOUR SO-CALLED GLOBAL WARMING AND RAISES YOU A
GLOBAL WOBBLING. EXPLAIN THAT DR. WHITE HOUSE.>>GLOBAL WOBBLING WHICH REFERS
TO CHANGES IN THE EARTH’S TILT AND ORBIT TAKES PLACE ON
CHARACTERISTIC TIME SCALES OF 22,000 YEARS, 44,000 YEARS AND
100,000 YEARS. IT IS VERY SLOW. GLOBAL WOBBLES IS A TINY EFFECT
OF THE TIME SCALE OF 100 YEARS IN WHICH WE TRY TO RUN THESE
MODELS.>>Jon: I DIDN’T KNOW WE WOULD
BE TALKING TO AN ACTUAL SCIENTIST… (WHISPERING)
ALL RIGHT, HOLDREN, YOU ACED THE WOBBLE WARMING. RIDDLE ME THIS:>>AT WHAT POINT A LEVEL OF CO2
DOES CO2 BECOME DAMAGING? AT WHAT LEVEL DOES IT BECOME
HARMFUL TO HUMAN BEINGS?>>Jon: BOOM! HOW CAN CO2 BE
DANGEROUS WHEN I CAN STILL BREATHE?>>VICE CHAIRMAN ROHRABACHER, I
ALWAYS ENJOY MY INTERACTIONS WITH YOU.>>Jon: MUCH THE WAY ONE
ENJOYS PLAYING PEEK A BOO WITH A BABY.
(LAUGHTER)>>Jon: OR PERHAPS TEASING A
CAT WITH A LASER POINTER! (LAUGHTER)
>>I HAVE TO SAY WITH RESPECT THAT’S A RED HERRING. WE ARE NOT INTERESTED IN CARBON
DIOXIDE CONCENTRATIONS BECAUSE OF THEIR DIRECT EFFECT ON HUMAN
HEALTH, WE’RE INTERESTED IN THEM BECAUSE OF THEIR EFFECT ON THE
WORLD’S CLIMATE AND CLIMATE CHANGE HAS DISASTEROUS EFFECTS
ON HEALTH.>>Jon: WHY CAN WE STILL
BREATHE? THAT’S WHAT I’M ASKING! I MEAN,
YOU CAN HEAR ME RIGHT? I’M BREATHING! AND IT GOT MORE AMAZING AS IT
WENT. INDIANA’S LARRY BUSCHON.>>IT’S NOT ABOUT AFFECTING THE
GLOBAL TEMPERATURE AND CLIMATE CHANGE.>>THERE IS PUBLIC COMMENTS OUT
THERE THAT QUESTION HAS BEEN ASKED AND ANSWERED SAYING NO.>>YOU SHOULD LOOK AT THE
SCIENTIFIC LITERATURE RATHER THAN THE PUBLIC COMMENTS. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)>>Jon: WITH ALL DUE
RESPECT, REPRESENTATIVE BUSCHON, I SUGGEST YOU GET THE
JOURNAL OF APPLIED METEOROLOGY AND CLIMATOLOGY AS OPPOSED TO THE YOU TUBE
COMMENT FEED OF OBUMMERLIES1776. BUT HERE’S WHERE BUSCHON FINALLY
GIVES AWAY THE GAME.>>OF ALL THE CLIMATOLOGISTS
WHOSE CAREER DEPENDS ON THE CLIMATE CHANGING TO KEEP
THEMSELVES PUBLISHING ARTICLES, YES, I COULD READ THAT BUT I
DO NOT BELIEVE IT.>>Jon: I DO NOT BELIEVE THE
SCIENTISTS BECAUSE IT IS THEIR PROFESSION NOT THEIR HOBBY.
(LAUGHTER) WELL SINCE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT
THE INFLUENCE MONEY MIGHT HAVE ON CLIMATE CHANGE OPINION,
IT TURNS OUT REPRESENTATIVE BUSCHON’S THREE BIGGEST CAMPAIGN
DONORS ARE MURRAY ENERGY, KOCH ENTERPRISES, AND PEABODY
ENERGY. AND TRUST ME. (AUDIENCE REACTS)
TRUST ME, THOSE THREE WELL FUNDED COMPANIES WOULD
LOVE TO DISPROVE CLIMATE CHANGE. TO THE SATISFACTION OF
THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY AT LARGE. SO IF SCIENTISTS COULD BE
BOUGHT THESE MOTHER [BLEEP] WOULD HAVE ALREADY MADE IT RAIN
IN NERD TOWN. TRUST ME. AND AGAIN, I CAN’T STRESS THIS
ENOUGH. THIS IS THE HOUSE OF
REPRESENTATIVES COMMITTEE ON SCIENCE, SPACE AND TECHNOLOGY.>>HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE FOR THE
SEA LEVEL TO RISE TWO FEET? I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT, IF YOUR
ICE CUBE MELTS IN YOUR GLASS, IT DOESN’T OVERFLOW,
IT’S DISPLACEMENT. I MEAN, THESE ARE SOME OF THE THINGS
THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT THAT MATHEMATICALLY AND
SCIENTIFICALLY DON’T MAKE SENSE.>>Jon: ARE YOU [BLEEP] KIDDING
ME? ARE YOU [BLEEP] KIDDING ME? I DON’T EVEN KNOW —
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO
WITH THAT! HOW FAR BACK TO THE ELEMENTARY
SCHOOL CORE CURRICULUM DO WE HAVE TO GO TO GET SOMEONE ON THE
HOUSE COMMITTEE ON SCIENCE, SPACE AND TECHNOLOGY CAUGHT UP? DO WE HAVE TO BRING OUT THE
PAPIER MACHE AND BAKING SODA SO YOU CAN MAKE A (BLEEP) VOLCANO?
IS THAT WHAT WE HAVE TO DO? IS THAT HOW BASIC THE SCIENCE
CLASS WAS WHEN YOU WENT? NAH, I DON’T NEED TO KNOW
THIS ANYMORE. FOR GOD’S SAKES! LOOK, HERE — HERE, LOOK. HERE’S A GLASS OF ICE WATER. HEY, THAT ICE ISN’T MAKING THE
WATER OVERFLOW BECAUSE IT’S ALREADY IN THE WATER! BUT IMAGINE THERE’S A WHOLE
BUNCH OF OTHER ICE THAT’S NOT IN THE WATER, IT’S ON THE LAND —
YOU KNOW, THE PART WHERE THE WATER ISN’T! AND THEN WHEN TEMPERATURES RISE
AND THE LAND ICE MELTS ENOUGH, TO FALL IN, OH, (BLEEP)! IT’S EVERYWHERE! IT’S EVERYWHERE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WAIT A MINUTE. GLOBAL WARMING, GIANT TOWELS. (LAUGHTER)
ULTIMATELY, THE WHOLE INCREDIBLE AND BY ALL AAPPEARANCES WILLFUL
MISUNDERSTANDING OF HOW THE SCIENTIFIC METHOD HAS BEEN
APPLIED TO CLIMATE CHANGE MODELS AND WHAT THE EFFECTS OF
WARMING CAN BE, PARDON THE PUN, BOILED DOWN
TO THIS EXCHANGE.>>THAT SCARE TACTICS LIKE THAT,
YOU KNOW, IS REALLY APPALLING TO ME TO USE MEDICAL INFORMATION TO
SCARE PARENTS THAT THEIR CHILDREN ABOUT ASTHMA ATTACKS
AND SCARE PEOPLE SAYING THAT THEY WERE GOING TO HAVE
HEART ATTACKS. I ARGUE THAT WE SHOULD ALL ON
BOTH SIDES OF THIS DISCUSSION AVOID SCARE TACTICS.>>Jon: FIRST OF ALL, THERE
AREN’T BOTH SIDES TO THE DISCUSSION. WHAT HE’S
BASICALLY SAYING IS IT’S UNFAIR TO TALK TO US
ABOUT THE SCIENTIFIC AND MEDICAL CONSEQUENCES OF OUR
ACTIONS BECAUSE THEY’RE SCARY AND WE REALLY DON’T FEEL LIKE
DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT ANYWAY SO FROM NOW ON WHY NOT AGREE
THAT SCIENCE AND THE OIL INDUSTRY BOTH HAVE OPINIONS. OH, AND BEFORE YOU TELL YOUR
KIDS TO WASH THEIR HANDS AFTER THEY TAKE A (BLEEP) SO THEY
DON’T SPREAD DISEASE, MAYBE WE SHOULD SPEND AN EQUAL AMOUNT OF
TIME HEARING FROM BIG FECAL. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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