THE GREAT SIDEMEN RACE | THE SIDEMEN SHOW

THE GREAT SIDEMEN RACE | THE SIDEMEN SHOW


[Offscreen] Guys! Guys!
Guys! Guys! -I actually can’t believe this.
What are we gonna do now?-[Narrator] Since the dawn of
time,
there have always been sidemen,just as there have always
been plankton in the oceans,
worms in the earth,
gnats in the sky.
over the years, kings, queens,
pharaohs and presidents
have all challenged sidemen
to rise up,
to be all they can be,to leave the shelter
and step to the front.
that forward leap
has never transpired.
We bring you seven
extraordinary sidemen
of our own time,who are men of action,
destiny and courage.
men who dare to step
into the light.
They will be raced, chased,
blown up,
battered and bedraggled
through deserts and oceans,
over mountains and cities,with one aim:
move to the front,
to take centre stage.This is the sidemen show.-Boys, it’s time. -Josh, stop polishing my trophy! -What d’you mean?
Slow down! Jesus! – Oh my leg!
– A-ha! – Oh, no! – There we go.
– Guys, look! It’s the famous TV host, actor
and comedian, Jack Whitehall. -[Jack] Gentlemen, in your quest
to step from the shadows, I am challenging you
to a race across London. You will need to be
resourceful and quick-witted. Meet me in a moody,
idiosyncratic warehouse location in an hour. I’ve sent you a limo.
Whitehall, out! – [Offscreen] He’s very posh.
– [LAUGHTER] -What is he doing?
What is he doing? – He said an hour.
– In an hour! Let’s go! -Come on, come on! -How do you guys have
so much energy every time? -Oh, what is that?
This is not limo. -Just get in! – Is there any space?
– Sorry, mate! Go, go, go, go! Oh! Put the seatbelt on. -Seriously? Are you guys
just gonna…? Guys! -I feel like we might get
molested, boys. – I feel like we could take it.
– Ooh! -Sidemen, assemble. [Nervous giggling] Welcome. This challenge is all
about London, my home city. Today we are gonna be doing
a race across the city, starting at
the Elizabeth Tower. Big Ben, Vik!
It’s Big Ben!-[Narrator] The winners will be
the first team
to travel across London,past its many
iconic landmarks,
and cross the Meridian Line,at the Royal Observatory,
Greenwich.
-What mode of transport
will we be using? Very good question, Vik. Well, I hear you guys are used to driving around
in sports cars, but today it’s all about
being slow and steady. Well, not steady, cos you guys are gonna be
transported across London in these. – [Laughter]
– Oh no! -Yeah, tuk-tuks. I suggest,
if you have any loved ones, you should probably call them
and tell them you love them, and maybe delete
your Internet history before we start this challenge. There are gonna be some
parameters to this race. You need to cross every bridge
on the way from Big Ben to Greenwich… Secondly, you’re only gonna be
given a teapot full of petrol. And thirdly, your wallets
and phones will be handed in before the challenge starts. So you will have to get across
the city on your wits alone.-[Narrator] That’s not all
sidemen,
the losers will be eating
jellied eels…
…a delicious London delicacyof chopped eels
boiled in a fishy stock,
until smothered
in a slimy coating.
Mmmm..Lovely.-[Laughter]
– Oh no! No! -[Jack] Right, let’s hand in
your phones and wallets. – Are they gonna be safe?
– [Jack] Yep. -This is my butler, Alfred. Can I say, this is exceptional? Ethan’s wallet is literally
just a Nando’s card and a Pizza Hut receipt! No money! Gentlemen,
board your tuk-tuks. -Shotgun!
-Shotgun! -I can’t,
I don’t have a license. Oi, come on,
it will fall apart. -You’re Indian,
so you should be good at this. -[Jack] That was
a little bit racist, but the instructions are
genuinely written in Indian. [Laughter] It’s like,
do not mix oil with petrol. – Can you read it?
– Do not exceed speed… Yeah, it’s in English. -Oh no, there’s a translation
there, you cheat! -Go, go, go! Go! – Whoa! Whoa!
– He stalled it! Yeah! -[Jack] Start it up again.
Start it up. Ignition, ignition! -Running start. [Cheering] -Whoo! -The wheels on the tuk-tuk
go round and round… And our driver is brown! – [Jack] Right, which way? Left!
– No, right. – Right?
– Right. -Right. Follow that tuk-tuk!
Follow the tuk-tuk! – OK, barge them.
– How do you barge them?[Narrator] DISTANCE
TO GREENWICH: 10 MILES.
FUEL: ONE TEAPOT.BRIDGES CROSSED: ZERO.-[Jack] OK, gentlemen, we’re
coming up to Elizabeth Tower. Once we’ve passed the tower,
the race is live. – Are you prepared?
– No, I should’ve peed. -No, we’re not stopping
for any peeing. You’ll have to do it
in the teacup. A little fact:
this is Parliament Square. The first traffic light
was put up here in 1868, and it blew up a year later. – That’s really interesting.
– Thanks, Jack. -Oh no, I meant the fact that
you thought it was interesting. -Right, OK. Just showering
these little facts. Some of them will go through, some of them will be
better than others. [Josh] Once we get past
Big Ben, the race starts! That’s Big Ben and
their shit yellow tuk-tuk. – Are we past them yet?
– [CHEERS] – Wankers!
– Come on then! Come on then! Come on! Come on! -Where were they going? -They’ve gone the wrong way. They’ve definitely gone
the wrong way. -Oh bollocks! Vik, you idiot,
we’re going the wrong way. -There’s only one thing for it, give me odds to moonshine
these people. -I think we just do
a drive-by moon. You get your ass out, and we
just drive by loads of people. – Alright, wait…
– The weight distribution! [Offscreen] It’s all wrong! [Horn beeping] -She looked straight
into my asshole! -No more, no more, no more!
I’ll crash into a wall. – [Jack] OK, we’re racing.
– [Sidemen] We’re racing now. – Go, Josh!
– Whoa! We’re gonna die! -[Josh] If you don’t like it,
you can drive! -No, it’s cool. I’m good. [Cheering] -[Jack] OK, guys, that’s
the second bridge crossed. Waterloo Bridge, constructed
by the same architect that invented
the red London telephone box. -Give it some welly, Vik.
Aargh! – This is all it does.
– Come on! -We’re in fourth! – Josh, don’t get involved.
– Oh no, I’m sorry everyone. -Oh my god, there’s
an ambulance behind us! – [Horns beeping]
– Get it revved up. -Every second counts. -Mate, I just heard
the life support machine go. I hope you feel proud
of yourself, Josh. – We’re gonna get beaten up.
– [Horn beeps] – Oh!
– Aargh! – On three, boys.
– BBC! BBC! BBC! BBC!
[Cheering] -[Jack] There’s the London Eye.
Seven miles to go. -If you drive slower,
with consistency, you use up less petrol. How do you think the other team
are gonna be fairing? You know them better than me. -I’d be surprised if they
haven’t tipped over yet. – Whoa!
– [Tires screech] – Oh my god!
– Shit! Oh my god! That went! -Nearly threw up a bit. -[J.J.] Vik, slow down!
You’re wasting petrol. We’re never gonna make it
to Greenwich. -[Jack] Does anyone have any
more thoughts on how we might drum up a bit of cash
for food, for petrol? -What about the toilet
situation? -You, in the toilet, like, offering your services
to friendly gentlemen? And remember a little tip I
picked up from boarding school: it’s not gay
if there’s no eye contact. [Laughter][Narrator] Yellow tuk-tuk: fuel
level, three-quarters teapot,
seven miles to destination,
three bridges crossed.
Blue tuk-tuk:
nearly empty teapot,
six miles to greenwich,
three bridges crossed.
[Offscreen] Pigeon! Aargh! -[J.J.] Vik, be careful of the
fuel, you numpty! [Offscreen] We’re literally
running out. -Oh no! -[Vik] According to the dial,
we have no petrol. – No, it’s not happening.
– OK, we’re [BLEEP]! OK, I think
we might have to push. -[Jack] Right, so,
do we have any other ideas? – Do you have any talents?
– Jack? Telling jokes?
Anything to take some money? I’m not telling jokes
for money. My hidden talent is that
I’m quite a good artist. – Oh, OK, I’ve got an idea.
– What? -We’re at St. Paul’s. There’s
tourists around St. Paul’s. -Lot of tourists. -Let’s stop here, and we can
try and make some money. – You can draw people.
– Draw people? -What, like, one of those people
that sits in Leicester Square and does caricatures? [Jack] Genuinely,
that is quite a good idea. -This seems like a good spot. I’ll set out my little
artist’s studio there. You guys need to go off
and drum up some business, find some people willing to pay
for me to do their caricature. -Who knows Jack Whitehall?
Anyone? Anyone want a picture
from Jack Whitehall? – Oh yes, boys!
– Look at the pace on this! -Yeah, we’re big boys. -We could push it the whole way,
to be honest. -Yeah, Vik, you’ve got
the good deal here, we don’t! [Offscreen] There’s a load
of people on the water. -What if we go and hustle? -[J.J.] You want us to
start busking? What, I just start rapping? – Yeah.
– No, we’d lose money. -[Harry] We don’t have any
money, and we’d lose it. -[Jack] Keep your glasses on, it’s easier to make it
look like you. – Is that the head?
– [Jack] Yes, it’s the head. -You can earn us money here,
Jack. -Yeah, I’m going to. -I’m just saying the toilet idea
was looking better than this. -[Vik] Who’s the best
at begging for money? – I’ve got a baby face…
– Yeah, I’ll go topless! But, other than that… -Just walk around,
and see what we find. -I guess, yeah.
So let’s head off this way. Let’s just see
what we can get. -[Offscreen] Oh,
it’s very decent. -[Offscreen] I would
pay for that. -[Offscreen] It’s actually
a really good drawing. -[Offscreen] I didn’t know
Jack had a talent. – Boom!
– Nice. That’s better than you thought. – That’s solid.
– Thank you. – I’ve got £1.90.
– Yeah, I’ll take it. Thank you very much.
£1.90… That’ll get us probably
to there! -Boys, what are we actually
gonna do for petrol seriously? Ah… piss in the tank? -We need to be on the lookout,
boys.
-On the lookout for options -J.J., what is up with your
creps? They’re disgraceful. -You can’t talk. -Oh, bloody hell! -Hold on a minute.
You thinking what I’m thinking? – Guys, no, no, no!
– Think about it. -Think about it. Honestly!
This is what people wanna see. [Offscreen] Realistically,
it’s this or the eels. – People will pay to see this.
– Bullshit! – Come on!
– We need it for the petrol. -Just shut up.
Shut up! -Can we help spray him? -Right, J.J.,
keep your eyes closed. -Straight ahead. Straight ahead.
Watch out. – Oh!
– I got the chin. -J.J., on a plus side,
you’re looking good. Trust me. -I’m enjoying this so much! -He is fuming. He is fuming! -I hope now all of you guys
break your kneecaps somehow. -So, J.J., we’re gonna
leave you up there. [Offscreen] You just need
to look your best. Can we have some serious
robot moves? We’ll get them critiqued
by the professional. Yeah! [LAUGHS] -[Offscreen] Jack,
what are you doing? [Laughter] – OK, what is that?
– Jack, I need money! – Jack…
– [Laughter] -Something to hang
on the mantelpiece, maybe? – [Offscreen] Moment of truth.
– Oh! -That’s not worth ten quid!
– It is to me.
-Oh, thank you. -[Offscreen]Right, c’mon boys,
we’ve got the cash to buy
petrol. -Let’s go. – You good? – Any artists? It’s all yours!
– Let’s go. -Come on, let’s get a move on. – Oh, every time!
– Josh, come on! It’s a race! -Sorry! -[Offscreen] Everyone’s just
avoiding him, guys! He’s doing the opposite.
They’re supposed to get crowds. He’s removing the crowd.
Look happy! Smile! [Laughter] -This is the best thing
to ever happen in my life. – Oh, ooh, ooh!
– Kill ’em. – Oh!
– Ooh… -Well, give me money, then!
Come on! Why am I standing here? – We living good.
– How much did we get? – Is it cash?
– It’s a dollar. Oh shit! -He thought it was a five
or something. -[Offscreen] Oh, make sure
it’s English money, you idiot! -I hate my life.
I hate my life so much.[Offscreen] Jack, get off!
What are you doing?
[Narrator] Sidemen, the first
rule of tuk-tuk racing
is never give the comedian a
permanent marker pen.
– You literally just drawn on my
face.-[Narrator] Nice specs Simon.-Yeah, pull in here.
I need a piss bad. Just pull in there,
and I’ll go on the wall. – Fine, but make it quick.
– This is meant to be a race! -Stop, stop, stop! -Primary school style. Guys? Guys? Guys! Guys! – Josh, stop it!
– Josh, what the fuck? [Offscreen] Well, there goes
our chance of winning. – What you doing?
– The handbrake came out. – Why would you get out the car?
– Panicked! -I actually can’t believe this.
What are we gonna do now? Like, what are we actually
gonna do now? – You still got the handbrake.
– So? -I said we had to get
the tuk-tuk to Greenwich. I didn’t say we had to get all
of the tuk-tuk to Greenwich. – What, so that counts?
– Yep! I make up the rules. – So we can still win?
– Yeah. -So we better get
a move on then, innit? -Damn straight, Tobi.
Do we just leave that there? -Yeah, yeah.
Got more sand in my shoe. -Sideman got sandman
down his pants, man! -Oh my god, a pound! – A pound!
– A pound! Yes! – That’s enough, right?
– Nah, a few more. -You may as well.
We’re making good money. You may as well stick at it.
May as well. -Hey man, what’s up?
Thank you, bro. Appreciate it. -He deserved that. – That is his collection.
– They’re filthy, filthy. £2! -Alright, boys, we’ve got
just under four squid. -J.J., we’ve done it! -J.J., come down.
– Is that it?
-I think we might have enough. Great! – Alright let’s get a move on,
get some petrol, and then get to Greenwich. -Running out of petrol’s
never been so good.[Narrator] Yellow tuk-tuk:
missing in action.
Distance to greenwich:
two miles.
Bridges crossed: four.Blue tuk-tuk:
empty teapot.
Distance to greenwich:
three miles.
Bridges crossed: five.-Can we slow down a little bit?
Just stop. -Wait… Whoa! Ah… [Whistling] – [Jack] Whistle.
– How does that help? -No one looks suspicious
when they whistle. -So wait, what are we
actually doing? -Going to Greenwich.
This is Crossrail. – Yeah, so what are we doing?
– [Jack] 26 miles of tunnels! We can use the tunnel
to get to Greenwich. This is our ticket there, guys.
We don’t need a train. We just get on there,
and we’ll walk. In these! No one’s gonna bother us,
especially if we whistle. – I’m not whistling.
– [Jack] Whistle! – I refuse to whistle.
– Whistle! I’m not whistling. -You look the most suspicious, cos you’re wearing
two pairs of glasses. -[Offscreen] Oh, my legs
are hurting. [Offscreen] This is good pace,
boys. Keep this up. -Yeah, it’s alright for you! -We need to get some petrol
quick! I’m not built for this. -Hold on a sec, there’s a guy.
Hold on! Wait, wait, wait! -Hello, we are in a predicament.
We can’t find a petrol station. We have £4, though,
cos he made it. – Long story.
– Yeah, don’t ask. – Can we get some petrol?
– For £4? -We’ll just syphon a bit.
Are we good? Yeah! – £4, sure.
– How the [BLEEP] do I syphon? So, what you need to do,
is you need to suck the petrol from out of there
all the way up here, and you need to stop
when it’s, like, around here. Don’t drink it,
cos you probably will die. -Suck it like a d…
lollipop. -Don’t get it in your mouth.
Wait, it’s coming through. – Yeah.
– [Laughter] You smashed it. You’ve saved the day,
we might win the race! We’re gonna get to Greenwich! – Oh god!
– I’ve petroled myself. -Oh you think
you’ve petroled yourself? It went in my throat.
It’s burning! -[Offscreen] Wait, we’ll see
if it was worth it. – [Engine starts]
– We’re on the road! We’re on the road!
We’re on the road! [Chanting] We are on the road!
On the road! We are on the road! -[Jack] This Crossrail
was constructed by over 10,000 workers, and it will bring ten new
stations across the city. [Alarm beeping] – Ooh… Not good!
– Hurry up! Hurry up! -Oh dear! Quickly,
we better get out of here. Right… There! That’s where we need
to get to, top of that hill. Hold up. -Is he trying to chat up
some bikes? -Tobi, we don’t need numbers
right now. -We don’t need numbers,
we need to get there! – OK, I might need some help.
– No, bring them here. -You got this. No, no, he’s
got this. No, he’s got this. – Come on, ha-ha!
– Alright, we need to go.-[Offscreen] We’re on the
bridge, on the bridge!
We’re on the bridge!-[Jack]
Sideman on the sidewalk! More speed!
More speed! More speed! Tandem, mandem! Mandem on the tandem! [Chanting] -[Offscreen] We got a silver
man, silver man! We’ve got a silver man! – Stop!
– Whoa! Whoa! – Pull over!
– Oh no… -Guys, can you get out
of the vehicle for me, please? – Shit!
– This is your fault, get out. -This is PC Fox to Oscar 224. I am picking up a turquoise
tuk-tuk with peacock feathers, on suspicion
of reckless driving. Guys, do you know
why I’ve pulled you over? -No, she ain’t catching me. -Why is he running away? I just need to talk
to the driver. – That’s you!
– Yeah, that’s me. -Do you know that
you were recklessly driving? – Yes. No.
– Can I see your license please? Guys, I’m being deadly serious.
You were swerving. Anything could’ve happened. You were going from side to side
on the street. I’m gonna have to give you
a ticket. Vik! -It’s on your license, at least. -Drive away slowly, lads, and
better not forget your friend. -Vik, that’s all your fault. -Wouldn’t have looked suspicious
if J.J. hadn’t run off. – Speaking of J.J. where’d he
go? – We’ll pick him up later. -Not gonna be hard to find him,
he’s bloody silver! -Where is J.J.? -[Jack] Come on,
this is the race element! We need to get some speed!
Hurry up, guys. -[Offscreen] We’re going to
The Greenwich Observatory. Off we go! – Is that it, there?
– To the home of time. Must be, there can’t be more
than one observatory in Greenwich. -[Offscreen] Where the
[Bleep] J.J.? -[Offscreen] He’s there. J.J.!
– J.J Your so big. – Behind the tree!
– Get in! Get in! We got the ticket, I don’t know
who you’re hiding from. – Just drive. Just drive.
– Put your seatbelt on! -[Jack] Guys, this is
like the end of E.T. -Keep that pace up.
Get in my slipstream. [Simon] We’re in it. -[Jack] Simon, I’m gonna
come clean with you. I think I may have slightly
spiked the slipstream. Sorry. -What kind of team are you? – [Offscreen] We’re close.
– Been a long day, boys. – Hours!
– My bum hole is hurting. -My back hurts. I don’t know
why your bum hole hurts. – We are near the finish line.
– Come on, guys. OK. Stop, stop, stop! No cycling!
It’s a royal park. We’re gonna have to go
on foot. Put these here. -Come on! Josh, if you wanna
achieve a physique like this. I wasn’t made for this. -You’ve gotta work hard,
my friend. – We’re nearly there, Vik.
– Oh shit! – I can’t see anything inside.
– I don’t think they’re here. -[Jack] Let’s keep the pace up.
Josh, come on. -[Offscreen] We’re here!
We’re literally here! – Let’s go! Go, go, go!
– Go, boys! Come on, boys! Let’s go! OK, Josh, hurry up! Go, go, go! -[Offscreen] I don’t see them.
I don’t see them! -We can finish.
-OK, now you
lead up. -Josh, we have to go.
-Who’s idea was this? Come on! [Shouting and cheering] -Victorious! – Yes!
– We’ve done it! – Come on, hurry up!
– Come on, Josh. – No! No!
– Wankers! – No!
– You’re shit. -[Jack] My team are the winners. -But we was here first. -You were here first,
but without your tuk-tuk. It was whoever can get
their tuk-tuk over the line. -[Bleep] this, Guys – I am the tuk-tuk.
– He’s made of metal now. Go! Go! Yeah!
We don’t need no tuk-tuk! [BLEEP], yeah! -Chaps, unfortunately, no. We brought the handbrake
over the line, and therefore my team
are the winners. – No, you guys are wank!
– Back off, Harry Potter! – You saw it!
– [Shouting] This is the home of time!
You know what, I can’t… [Indistinct shouting] -I can’t deal with that. They’re all yours. – It’s Melvin. Oh no…
– It’s Alfred! -This is Alfred,
but why’s he here? -Oh shit, he’s got the eels. – Smells like your mom!
– [Laughter] – I’m really gonna…
– They’ve taken the eels. Oh my gosh, they’re accepting. [Shouting] [Sidemen] Food fight! Oh! Oh no! – Stop! Stop!
– J.J., drop the eel. -One person from each team
eats it. – Shut up! Shut up!
– I’m not doing it. -We’ve been through a lot
today, guys. – Come on!
– Josh will do it for us. -He’s going in! – No, I’m joining your team.
– He’s going in! -I don’t want to.
I don’t want to! -Ah, you’re grim! Oh! Eugh! -That’s actually really good. -He’s still just munching it. Oi, Sidemen,
how we getting home then? -Reckon we can all fit
in our tuk-tuk? – Only one way to find out.
– Go! -Ethan, your pants
are falling down! -[Offscreen] I’m not losing
this!-[Narrator] Sidemen,that was neither quick-witted
nor resourceful.
-[Offscreen] Let’s just
find a bike. I’m glad I don’t have to get
into a tuk-tuk with them.-[Narrator] I’m afraid you are
still relegated to the
sidelines…
-What am I gonna do?-[Narrator]…in the shadows.– Guys, come on, let me in!
– You’ve gotta run! -Oh wow, [BLEEP]! -[Nairn] I brought you here,
Sidemen, to test the limits
of your fear. – [Screaming]
– Oh my god! [Offscreen] Oh my god!-[Nairn] Spend the night with me
in the most haunted house
in all of England.– You’re going left, Harry.
– Left? OK. – Oh my god! Oh my god!
– That’s freaky. -You’re doing well.
That’s the way up. -If there are any spirits
in here, please talk to us. -Don’t wanna alarm you,
but the pony is moving. -Aargh! What the [BLEEP]! [Screaming] -We need to get
out of here now!

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