The Gunfighter | A Short Film by Eric Kissack (narrated by Nick Offerman)

The Gunfighter | A Short Film by Eric Kissack (narrated by Nick Offerman)

(dramatic orchestral music) (people chattering) – [Narrator] The weary gunfighter walked slowly through the saloon. The long miles from Cheyenne
had taken their toll. – Who’s saying that stuff? – [Narrator] He scanned the
room with a suspicious eye. Years of being on the
wrong side of the law had taught him that a tough
man can get out of a situation, but a smart man never
gets himself into one. – Please quit doing that, I just want to have a shot of whiskey in peace. – [Narrator] But the
gunfighter would find no peace. For the Henderson boys
were waiting in the corner to kill him for the
$200 bounty on his head. – Is that true? You boys trying to kill me
like this voice is saying? – Uhh… No. – [Narrator] Lied the
oldest Henderson boy. – How do you know I’m lying? – [Narrator] The oldest
Henderson boy asked of the air. – No, I didn’t ask the air. I’m asking you, you fuckin’ voice. – [Narrator] Said the
oldest Henderson boy. – Would you please stop saying “Said the oldest Henderson boy”? – [Narrator] Implored Tommy,
the oldest Henderson boy. Meanwhile, the younger
Henderson’s hand twitched by the Colt Peacemaker on his right hip. He was thinking of shouting
“Look out behind you” to trick the gunfighter
into turning around so he could shoot him in the back. – No, I was not! – Come on, Johnny, again
with the “Look behind you”? What were you gonna say
was behind him this time? – Uhh, nothing. – [Narrator] Johnny lied. He was going to say a bear. – Oh, come on. (people laughing) – A bear, Johnny? In a saloon? – [Narrator] Johnny’s face turned red. He began wishing he was in a safe place at home, in bed, with his dolls. (Johnny scoffs) Hey, hey, I ain’t got no dolls! – [Narrator] To calm his
nerves, he pictured himself combing his dolls’ hair and
pouring them each a cup of tea. – No! – Wait, wait, wait. You have tea parties with your dolls? – [Narrator] But something about the younger Henderson’s vulnerability opened a door in the gunfighter’s heart. – Nope, no it didn’t! – [Narrator] Inside, a
sea of confusing emotions bubbled to the surface. – No. – [Narrator] He started imagining himself holding the younger Henderson and stroking his greasy hair. – No! – [Narrator] He pictured his first kiss with the younger Henderson. – No, that– – [Narrator] They both
giggle at how clumsy it was. – No. – [Narrator] They know the
next one will be even better. – I’m seriously not picturing that! – [Narrator] But inside he was. – No, I’m not! – [Narrator] But he was. – No, I’m not and that’s the final word. – [Narrator] But he was. – Goddamnit! – Why don’t you two go get a room? – Hey, why should we
trust this voice anyway? – [Narrator] Just then,
the gunfighter had an idea. – Hey, you. – Me? – Think of a number between one and 100 and then we’ll see if this voice really knows what we’re thinkin’! – Okay, got it. – [Narrator] Sally the
whore began thinking of her favorite number, which was 32. She then thought of her lady
parts and how itchy they were before deciding to change
her mind and go with 76, her second favorite number. – The voice is right! 32 is my favorite number, but then I changed my
mind and went with 76! – And your cooch? – It’s been itching something
horrible since Saturday, Bill. You know anything about that? – Uhh, no. – [Narrator] He did, but
we’ll get to that in a minute. – Looks like that voice
really does know everything. – [Narrator] The gunfighter
noticed for the first time that the bartender was black. This was still unusual in the west, but the gunfighter decided
he was okay with it. – Umm, thanks? – [Narrator] The people in
the town prided themselves for their progressive
attitudes about race. – That’s right. – [Narrator] But would
they still feel that way if they knew that Sam had been sleeping with Ned Schilling’s wife? – What!? – Relax, Ned, alright? I mean, everyone has been with her. – Guilty. – Yeah, you’re right. – [Narrator] And Elijah Jessup’s sister. – Welp, it’s time for him to die. (cocking guns) – Watch yourself, Jessup. You best put that gun down
or I’ll cut you in half. (ominous music) – That music, it seems kind of ominous, don’t it? – Ominous. What’s that mean? – You know, like, something
bad’s about to happen, like a needless gunfight. – [Narrator] The stage
was set for an awesome ballet of death. Blood would be spilled,
but who would be the first? – Wait a second. Ballet of death? What the hell? I think this voice wants
us to kill each other. – [Narrator] Meanwhile, the
gunfighter saw his opening to shoot Tommy dead. – No, no, no, wait! That one really is a lie, see? My hand’s nowhere near my gun. – [Narrator] Okay, you got me. That one wasn’t true. But this one is. Yesterday, Tommy Henderson made sweet love to Bill Jessup’s wife. – No! You made sweet love to our mama? – (laughs uncomfortably)
Here’s the thing about that. – Oh, you’re dead, Henderson. – [Narrator] Said Gabriel,
who had recently delivered a load of cream to the back
porch of his brother’s wife. He did her in the butt. – What!? – How could you? Your own brother! – [Narrator] Yet even as
Bill reacted with disgust, the irony was not lost on him. – You know what, I see
where you’re goin’ with this and I’m just gonna retract
my disgust right now if that’s possible. – [Narrator] For he had
been regularly sneaking into Paul Valentine’s barn. – Okay, you know, we’re
good, we’re good here. I think we should just move on. – [Narrator] Where he had been having sex with Paul’s favorite sheep Martha. – Oh boy. – Marth, Bill!? Martha!? – That is why I’ve been
so itchy? (cocks gun) – You know what? We all just need to
take a deep breath here. We’re playin’ right
into the voice’s hands. Sure, there’s been a surprising amount of infidelity in this town, and the bestiality should probably stop, and I might be gay. But if we start shootin’, the voice wins. I think the voice is
givin’ us an opportunity. In a world where our
deepest, darkest secrets are unveiled one by one, maybe we’ll stop doing the
things we’re ashamed of and start to embrace the
things about ourselves we’re afraid to accept. Hell, this could be the
beginning of a new utopia, a society based on fairness and tolerance where it don’t matter
if you’re rich or poor– – Or a woman! – Let’s not get carried
away, but the point is, is that the voice is showing
us the worst side of ourselves and we need to show it our best. Now, who’s with me? – [All] Yeehaw! – [Narrator] It was a good speech and things might have
turned out differently if the crowd never found
out that the gunfighter had just last night shot and killed the youngest son of John McCullers, because he “had some
breath that smelled like “the ass end of a Chinaman.” – Well, you must be Mr. McCullers. (fires gun) (guns firing) – [Narrator] It was a
true ballet of death. When the gruesome bloodbath was over, not a single person was left standing, except for Sally, the itchy whore. – Yoo! – [Narrator] Who celebrated
by scratching her front porch. – [Sally] Whoo! – [Narrator] Little did she know, she would be mauled to
death by a rabid wolf the very next day. – Well, fuck. (dramatic orchestral music)

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  1. I need to analyse this short film as a part of my college bridging work and I've gotta say, this is the most enjoyable short films I've ever seen.

  2. Nick Offerman, I should have known! Five stars*** Tied, in my book with Norm Macdonald as funniest, dark humor yet. With the possible exception of early George Carlin.

  3. Whoah! I'm inspired! I've been making western short films of my own within a video game world (Red Dead Redemption 2) It's pretty interesting and I am motivated to continue after watching this! Great short.

  4. I really like this full short movie. All I had ever seen of this clip was up to the point of where the gun slinger slams his drink down on the bar. I'd like to see other short films with these cast members, of this caliber, pardon the pun!

  5. That was Cool, Different and very Cleverly Portrayed, I Enjoyed Much .. Thank's For the Up-load Chur! :D] .v ..

  6. And there was I thinking The Shawshank Redemption had cornered the best narration for film – had me laughing out loud – skillfully brilliant – 5 STARS ***

  7. I have seen this on several channels but when it pops up on my feed I have to watch it.

    My favorite line, "He just delivered a load of cream to the back porch of his brother's wife"

  8. Little did I know that, lead by blind chance, and a ballet of button bashing, I'd find a video 3.7K YouTubers liked. And even less did I suspect that, unlike 103 others, I'd find this to be more fun than delivering cream to… but enough of that.

  9. Like a short version of Mel Brook's "Blazing Saddles". Great way to kill 8 minutes. Kudos to the makers of this funny video

  10. That beats any full length film that I've seen in decades! Such an awesome job! I'm just hoping that my front porch doesn't git itchy! 😂

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