The Roast of Bruce Willis | Ganze Folge | Comedy Central Deutschland

this program is rated tv-ma l and is intended for mature audiences viewer discretion is advised goose I think when this roast is over you’re gonna find yourself one smile and motherfucker thing is Bruce right now you’re a 63 year old action hero that’s a hard motherfucking fact of life but it’s a fact of life your ass is gonna have to get realistic about if you think he gets better with age it don’t how many of those movies have you got left in you two you never won an Academy Award and if you were gonna win one you would have won it by now are you my nigga certainly appears so now the night of the roast you may feel the steam that’s pride fuckin with you fuck pride pride only hurts I’ve seen the movies you made you never had any pride so why start now cuz a year from now when you kickin it in the Caribbean you gonna say Comedy Central was right when they hit you with those jokes you laugh say it when they hit me with those jokes I laugh now get out there it’s time to get medieval on your ass [Applause] the girls to get together have a few laughs [Music] [Music] this is the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis now please welcome your roastmaster Jill [Applause] thank you ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis I’m thrilled to be here I’ve been a huge Bruce Willis fan my entire life my father was a huge Bruce Willis fan his father was a huge Bruce Willis fan and his father before him but as an actor I really admire Bruce’s work he can play anything from an asshole cop to an asshole ex-cop and when you got a star like Bruce it takes no effort to assemble a great dais yeah no effort at all we have domestic guru martha stewart here with us Martha’s gonna do great tonight she’s used to working with unwanted leftovers little RAL good to see you sir little rat was on the Carmichael show and now he’s got his own show critics say that it’ll be similar to the Carmichael show canceled we got Kevin Pollak yeah he’s gonna show the marvelous missus Mazal he plays a character named Musha nasal moisture if that was any more Jewish it would control the weather and it’s awesome that Edward Norton is here one of the world’s greatest living actors is going to get roasted by Edward Norton we also have peace maker Dennis Rodman here with us tonight Dennis Rodman returning once again from North Korea you know Dennis may be the only person on the planet who can prevent a nuclear war so I guess this is goodbye but tonight it’s about our guest of honor let’s see Bruce Willis in action because nobody wants to see him in a comedy age and you the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time you know what kind of guys [Music] [Music] Bruce Willis when you walk down a lemon with a meat hat this is all natural huh my esteem for you went through the roof I am mentally ill dreams nothing person I just hate you you know I respect you so much for telling me that did you know that some actors turned down roles you don’t want to be intimidating everybody we used to be such a happy-go-lucky guy yeah I’m happy goal I’m very happy go look [Applause] that Dennis States government just asked us to save the world anybody want to say no [Music] partnership any more than that fraud lucky shot you’re having to kill me little jackets percent said their baby fools but that’s the way I like it baby [Music] you really think you have a chance against Houston cowboy he’s got a sixth sense let’s opposite each other [Applause] you feeling good yeah you’re ready for this very well so Bruce Willis what a career right the Fifth Element The Sixth Sense the whole nine yards twelve Monkeys zero Oscars quitting Tarantino M night Shyamalan Wes Anderson Michael Bay these are just some of Bruce’s directors who refused to be here tonight Bruce Willis is what you get if you isolate the white part of Dwayne the rock Johnson and it’s not just action movies that made Bruce a star he’s actually a great dramatic actor too I love the sixth sense it’s great movie and it’s a really impressive performance I don’t know how you pretended not to be embarrassed while the ten-year-old kid acted circles around you but you did it and and the ending I did not see that twist coming I mean I shouldn’t spoil it but I mean fucked it’s been like 20 years it’s so good okay so at the end of the sixth sense Bruce goes back to making shitty movies I had a blast working with Bruce and a time travel movie called looper thank you so in the film I play a young Bruce Willis and he played a washed-up Bruce Willis but it was this crazy sci-fi premise where I end up in the future and Bruce ends up in a good movie made after 1999 who I have a good time tonight but don’t get too comfortable up here because later we’re gonna be replacing you with Ashton Kutcher relax relax Bruce gets along with him fine he was even at Ashton and Damis wedding his gift was a toaster and 90 million dollars but listen whatever anybody says here tonight here’s the truth okay deep down every single one of us wishes that we could have that that courage that swagger of like I don’t give a fuck that that you embody better than any other movie star of our time really you give us what we want and we love you for and so tonight let’s honor one of the three founders of Planet Hollywood not the one who won an Oscar and not the one who became the Governor of California but the one whose agent is just an outgoing message that says he’ll take it wata Bruce Willis coming up Nikki Glaser I am NOT gonna be funny but Ellicott I’m Kevin Haller Cybill Shepherd lil rel Howery no hard feelings from Edward Norton Martha Stewart Tom era Dennis Rodman Jeff Ross and to me more when the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues our first roaster tonight is someone who definitely needs an introduction Nikki Glaser when she’s not hosting her hit radio show you can find her blowing around outside car dealerships during Toyota thon please welcome Nikki Glaser Joseph gordon-levitt everyone he’s so cute so adorable I bet you eat pussy but only with the crusts cut off first and that is luck speaking of crusty pussy I’ll get to you in a second Sybil I am I know I know Martha Stewart thank you for being here seriously and congratulations on getting that tie soccer team out of your vagina and into your sweatshops that’s where they are now surprisingly Martha said that prison food wasn’t that bad just you know as long as it was clean-shaven so she loves attention to detail is she laughing I’m terrified of her no I honestly Martha sir I’m a huge fan and my mom is even bigger fit my mom has learned everything from Martha Stewart about cooking and cleaning and withholding affection so close to my heart Kevin Pollack is here such an amazing actor most I know Kevin is like one of the greatest Impressionists of all time I’m a huge fan my favorite of his is he does an amazing Robin Williams I just wish you would finish it yeah okay guys listen all I’m saying is that we’ve lost a lot of greats to suicide recently and it’s time we lose some okay’s civils gorgeous I’m like honored to meet her and and to her resume is insane like if you look at it it’s just like model actor singer you name it she’s fucked it [Laughter] I don’t know any of these people Sybil why am I here Oh literally you have like no friends it’s truly so cool to be sharing the stage with these badass women Cybill Shepherd Martha Stewart Margaret Cho I’m sorry Dahmer era I’m sorry I thought that was dumb a rare I know you sleepy potato Tom I love you but how did you have a stroke on both sides of your face explain that they don’t get it Dennis Rodman first met Dennis just earlier tonight when he tried to sell me incense on the sidewalk I don’t want any okay Edward Norton is here anybody edy looks to me like if a marionette became a boy and then that boy became an asshole right he was so hot in Fight Club right when he was Brad Pitt that was not now let’s get to Bruges Bruce this is honestly a real a big personal moment for me to be here roasting my dead cousins second favorite action star I know you obviously as the star of every DVD you kind of just find on the street obviously you had an amazing action film career until Jason Statham started balding I’m just not familiar with action movies I don’t know I’ve never seen a single one of your films consensually like it’s always what some guy puts on while he’s trying to finger me on his roommates couch she was saying maybe I didn’t understand the fifth element and it wasn’t cuz I’m a dumb girl but because it’s hard to follow that plot when you’re fighting off a roofie and there’s a knuckle inside you you know just be oh I loved this extense though I loved in the ending when the guy came in my eye and I didn’t have to watch the rest of it that was great a lot of people don’t know that Bruce is a very talented musician because he isn’t Bruce has also been very active with the make-a-wish Foundation which is where they make sick kids meet you so dying doesn’t seem so terrible so Bruce in all honesty thank you for having me here you’re really cool you’re so hot and and this is a special night you really are it’s a special night obviously your families your daughters must be so proud of their father Ashton Kutcher thank you very much good night [Applause] coming up kevin pollak you’re going down and Cybill Shepherd win the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues [Applause] hey our next roaster is kevin pollak what a career he’s had over 150 movies and just under 12 minutes of screen time please welcome Kevin Pollak Thank You Joseph gordon-levitt cuz that’s a fuckin name you know you’re doing a great job tonight Joey you are really he’s such a pro it’s no wonder you’ve been working steadily in Hollywood since you were six years old of course it helps when your parents aren’t choosing about who touches your peepee speaking of Dennis Rodman I gotta say it’s odd to see you here it really is it’s just on I mean it’s just if you knew bruise you know [Laughter] he’s not fond of the blacks do you see him disagreeing or is he laughing you might think of a snake like Nikki Glaser that she’s Jewish but she’s not you can tell actually because Jews are funny pinky said on her own show that she enjoys anal sex her words hey good for you I mean it makes sense obviously you don’t eat so he might as well use that hole for something huh [Applause] Edward Norton you sir are fantastic one of my all-time favorites honestly you wanted to huh brilliant ed Norton is ask him and now on to the man in the hour Bruce Willis hello I’ve done I’ve known Bruce for a very very long time we’ve done three films together one of them not horrible I really don’t understand why you agreed to do this I mean if you wanted to be humiliated clearly we both know you could have just released another singing album some of you may not know because he bought every copy but Bruce released an R&B LP back in the 80s I did some research to find out whose idea this album was turns out it was his manager and by his manager I mean cooking just a tremendous amount of coke like a Jeff Ross sized container of coke Bruce Powell you’ve done some great work recently especially your subtle turning Wes Anderson’s moonrise kingdom loved that film yeah the story of two fifth-graders falling in love bruce would have fun in love with a fifth grader if he had met his current wife way back when he was 47 I first met Bruce when I was working with his first wife to me more in the film a few good men yeah I think it’s time everyone knew something about to me when she shaved her head she said it was for her role in the film GI Jane but the truth is she shaved her head because she loved her husband Bruce and he wanted to fuck his own face and now Bruce one of your friends and co-stars and pulp fiction couldn’t be here tonight so they’ve asked me to pass along a message from Christopher Walken they’ve put it up here for me here it is hi Bruce sorry I couldn’t attend your funeral I did want to say I’ve always been a fan particularly you work in the film 12 monkeys sure I was disappointed that you did not portray a monkey but you gave beautifully nuanced performance reminiscent of a monkey who poops in his hands and then throws it in your face mostly though I wanted to take this opportunity to publicly thank you for creating my favorite restaurant Planet Hollywood if I’m honest it’s also my favorite planet thank you Bruce Willis for having the vision and a courage to ask hi who wouldn’t want to eat $40.00 potato skins in a booth next to the hack from Billy Bathgate all ballbusting aside you’ve been a dear pal to me and my family for a very long time Bruce and I love you I love [Applause] coming up Cybill Shepherd and little rel Howery they want me to say really main things to Bruce Willis but I will win the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues our next roaster is Cybill Shepherd Sybil has the distinction of being the first actress to hate working with Bruce Willis I just learned this she dated Elvis when she was 19 and last year her vagina was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame please welcome Cybill Shepherd I love you all here tonight so much and I particularly love one of the most brilliant actors and finest men I’ve ever known mr. Willis this is my first roast and I have to say I’m shocked whoo I’ve heard words here tonight that I have never heard before like Lille and Ralph [Applause] lil rel I’m glad you’re here because I’ve been meaning to apologize for calling the police about your barbecue [Applause] Bruce Willis I’m so happy to see you gosh the last time I saw your face I was shopping for movies at the gas station moonlighting was considered the first dramedy a mix of drama and comedy which is also a good way to describe Bruce’s acting style when he does comedy it seems like drama and when he does drama it’s hilarious but Holly wouldn’t be Hollywood if they didn’t reward a man for aging into mediocrity grace went on to make 96 movies using just one facial expression Ed Norton I was so excited to meet you I still think you should have won the Academy Award for playing a neo-nazi in American History X if you have done that movie today you would not only have got an Oscar you would get a cabinet position in the White House I’m thrilled that I got to meet Martha Stewart tonight I had the honor playing Martha in two separate movies I did my best but the only one to truly capture Martha Stewart was the FBI and then there’s dom herrera bringing his classic Italian charm two minutes after I met him he was hitting on me I had to tell him sorry the last time I had sex with a 69 year old I was 18 and he owned the studio he didn’t just live in one I ran into Nikki Glaser and the ladies room I saw her from behind with her slender body and blond hair and I thought she must be a model then she turned around I thought nope she’s a comic our characters on moonlighting weren’t much of a stretch I played a former model which I was and he played Nestle which he is Bruce and I were really attracted to each other but familiarity can breed contempt so we didn’t act on it too bad because based on how much we ended up hating each other the sex would have been incredible we actually came very close one time to having sex but then he whipped it out started playing with it and ruined everything they’re talking about your harmonica sadly the stars never aligned for us and it’s never gonna happen now for one obvious reason you are way too old for me sure our relationship was volatile and sometimes explosive but in the end it was the perfect formula for success I know we haven’t had a conversation in 30 years but we’ll always have something more important residuals good night thank you all right he provided the comic relief and get out but don’t expect that tonight please welcome lil rel oh shit what am I doing here I don’t know he’s over there as white people look good-looking with the cast of young and restless boots you’ve done movies with other black comedians why do you ask somebody when you never did shit with you I’ll get that P with Chris Tucker Tracy boy – god damn this is sad I mean you had a limo driver in die hard Argyle and he’s not even here I don’t know what the fuck he doing he need this shit you don’t get our guy out here what the fuck like Jeff Ross and Bruce Willis are y’all two ball white motherfuckers look crazy as fuck by both of y’all look like y’all had two different stages of cancer I really do I’m sorry we got dinners Rodney here the John I wanna talk about cuz it’s only two brothers here but I respect Dennis Robin I’m from Chicago you know me he won three championship with the Bulls I mean he did a lot of dope shit me rebound it he had taken three every once in awhile you kicked the fucking referee like jag all other players a lot of weird shit this motherfucker wore a wedding dress and was on a cover of a magazine that shit is fuckin off the chain that’s it I have no jokes I’ll just mention it slicker Roose Willis is a fucking legend man you know you had a famous line yippee-ki-yay motherfucker which is I think is one of the greatest tag lines and movie puppet history it really is which is why like I was happy when he gave me TS motherfucking a that shit was motivated from you to saying you BK motherfucker yeah it was I want to just say this man I’m a big fan of you I hope we do a movie someday I mean I know you looking for yeah I’m in c-23 you got to do one more with another black dude let it be me your head Chris Tucker you did Tracy Morgan our guy Carl Winslow I don’t know nobody real names only know they character names and shit and look we got to stop with these dollars but I like this shit is getting fucking weird it is I’m confused about which kid you got like the daughter be missing in one and then the son be missing in one we never seen your kids to fucking gather honestly you should change your name to John McClane you know I mean like I’m fucking confused how many fucking kids you guys so look this what I suggest if next dollar you put me in it I’ll play your son right you adopted me from Africa I’m really pitching is she OPI lives this ages ahead you taught me from Africa and we go to the west side of Chicago right and we fight crime together and you shoot me by mistake and that starts to hold down hard franchise we’ve never had to see that shit again cuz John McClane is in jail for shooting an innocent black man that he adopted but seriously Bruce Willis thank you for having me man you are so I don’t know you like I don’t want to call you like like my idol but you can’t Harbor like you made some movies there that may all of us want to be in movies and shit so thank you so much for having you man I’m proud of you man coming up Martha Stewart hooray Edward Norton Bruce you know that I know a lot of things that you don’t want me to know when the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues all right I am a huge fan of our next roaster Edward Norton ladies gentlemen he’s fantastic in movies like primal fear Fight Club Birdman and who could forget Edward Norton as The Incredible Hulk The Avengers franchise that’s who let’s get backward knowing the round of applause I know Mark Ruffalo does every night please welcome thank you Bruce slumming it here on your behalf at Comedy Central is not something I would do for many people but I owe you big and you know and I you know what I’m talking about but I would say this puts us totally square in fact I think probably it’s back on you after tonight yeah okay it is a pleasure to be here to stick a fork in my pal Bruce Willis I’m not really a like an itch takedown comic like Jeff Ross or or a three-name suck-up like Joseph gordon-levitt but I’m here to do something I think maybe only I can do as someone who has made a career out of character analysis I am here to do a deep dive how the fucking bartender from New Jersey became such a big titty of a global movie star because I feel I feel if I had not distracted myself with obsession on the likes of DeNiro and Hoffman and Daniel day-lewis things might have been very different I’m now coming to realize my middle aged if I had cracked the mystery of how you became a movie star then maybe there still might be time for me to be more like you I mean if I if I end up settling for three Academy Award nods and a respect of audiences and critics and my peers globally I’ll find a way to be happy about it but the cold truth of it the cold truth of it is the good reviews in The New Yorker and Oscar nominations that that you lose to the fucking Farmers Insurance pitchman JK Simmons they don’t those things are great but they don’t buy you half of fucking Idaho do that no they do not they do not it’s not that I’m jealous but Jesus you get away with everything I mean can i cock my eye and say some cryptic shit that literally not one person in the room understands and have everyone laugh their asses off I cannot you think I’m you think that you’re laughing because I think I’m making a joke I was sitting at a bar with Bruce and I asked him if he liked the script I’d sent him and he says try keeping a marriage together when twenty-two is still on the menu the fuck does that mean I mean I know what it means but why say it so that I but I fell off my barstool laughing I had no idea why I still don’t know what he thought of the script and we’re done making the movie I don’t think he’s ready can I act that weird and have people love me I cannot can I can I say things like the me to movement is ruining natural sexual dynamics while I’m wearing a make America great again hat and then go blow up a helicopter of Mexican extras dressed up as Middle Eastern terrorists call that a twofer and still have a bunch of liberal Hollywood executives call my agent the next morning and say they want to be in the Edward Norton business [Music] I most definitely cannot I wish I was Teflon like you but then again I do like my kids not being embarrassed by me but seriously could I ever leave a movie set after my close-ups are done and leave every one of my co-stars for the last 30 years to act their scenes looking at a c-stand with a red X taped to it listening to the 60-year old script girl reading the John McClane lines to them and still have directors like Quentin Tarantino call me no I act my fucking ass off Quentin never calls me you know what I wouldn’t give for the opportunity to tell that prick I’m gonna rewrite this piece of shit tonight by the way by the way when Wes Anderson calls him he and I do moonrise kingdom together and this is true everyone in the cast stayed in a little house together we did our own costumes and makeup we did around here and we went to set in the van together to save money even Bill Murray but not Bruce fucking Willis he rented the Carnegie mansion next door like a boss when Wes said do you think Bruce understands that I really want this to be like a repertory theater troupe I said shut the fuck up you long-haired pussy that’s a fucking movie star it’s not fair it’s not fair I’ve got a claim but I I can’t pull big cock movie star power moves like him and say fuck the box office and fuck streaming services I’m not making any more movies unless they go straight to DVD and keep that up for like what five years now no way if I pulled that my ass would be out in the cold and they’d be calling Joseph three-name Levitt for Fight Club – I couldn’t make Hudson Hawk and literally work ever again for a single day never no one else would have survived that you thrived why is this why why we have to figure it out was it your training no you didn’t go to candy-ass acting class for training you did mounds of cocaine and tended bar with your male ballerina pal Steve Yves and I mean what what good is acting school anyway you know I mean I think maybe maybe it’s your name Bruce Willis it pops it’s just an action hero mine still makes people think of Eddie Murphy’s sodomizing Art Carney I don’t know maybe it’s I try to challenge myself I look for roles that stretch me and are different whereas you deliver consistently the same performance and I mean like the same one every fucking time maybe it’s the script I have to adopt your relationship to the script I tried to be like you I did a big action movie called The Incredible Hulk you know what went wrong I wanted a better script I thought maybe we should try to make one Marvel movie that was at least as good as the worst Chris Nolan movie but what the hell was I thinking the last thing Bruce Willis would demand is a better script I’m such an idiot the script of his last three films was wrinkle your forehead say short memorable quip no more than four words shoot the gun duck repeat the end it’s a half a page long you could learn your lines in the car on the way to the set you don’t but you could he doesn’t have time for lines he has to blow shit up I’m so stupid all my decisions have been wrong I have to start going for scripts that are short and dumb full of grunts easily dubbed for the Bosnian market and then I could get a g5 a Caribbean island seven daughters by three different women that I know of at the end of the day though I’ve come to think actually it might just be all about your head your your incredible bald head and frankly I I think it’s because it closely resembles a nicely shaped cock it’s look at it look at it turn sideways look at it and like that nicely shaped penis nobody can stop looking at it it’s totally hypnotic to men and women alike you you have a perfect dickhead and men and women are both comfortable with it they think it’s funny little scary a little sexy just that is a rare thing it’s a rare thing and I know because I tried to emulate you in American History X I shaved my head I acted like a racist asshole and it’s probably the closest any actor has actually come to being you in a film and I got nominated for Best Actor but but the movie made less money than you made on the opening weekend of nobody’s fool you got to work with Paul Newman and all I got was my skinhead poster in the bathrooms of the gay clubs on Santa Monica Boulevard I don’t know I think I have to accept it I think I have to accept I will never be the global dickhead powerhouse that you are no matter how good I am no matter how committed no matter how professional all those things take me further from your standard of stardom there is nobody else like you damn it nobody joking aside I was doing a play many years ago in New York and I came home one night after the show and there was a letter at my apartment building from the Four Seasons Hotel and I read it and it was one of those thoughtful articulate letters I got about this whole play and was signed Bruce Willis and I immediately called my friend Stewart and said fuck you to wind up and he said I don’t we talked about so I called Bruce I said you really write me this letter he said yeah so we had a beer and he says essentially you’re doing the kind of work I want to be part of and whatever you’re doing if you can put me in the mix I’m in sight unseen and I didn’t think that would really stick and many years later when I wanted to make my own film real passion project it’s hard to get those things done he was the first person I called and he said I told you if you ever need me I’m in and we just made this movie together and had a beautiful time and I wouldn’t have gotten made without you and I’m really deeply grateful for that I love you or maybe I’m a very good actor and I’m just acting when I say that you will you wouldn’t know the difference and that’s the reason I love you Hey coming up Martha Stewart I decided to come out here and rekindle our friendship and Damai rera when the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues right sorry I just have to say that that was one of the coolest things that has to have happened on TV recently that was that was amazing okay our next roaster is Martha Stewart Martha worked her way through college as a model posing for cigarette ads and Michelangelo she’s the hostess with the mostest indictments but her rap sheet has an 800 thread count its Martha Stewart laser [Applause] wow what a night Thank You Joseph I know something about hosting parties so I want to congratulate you on being the perfect host tonight you set the table faded into the background and let the interesting people shine what a dais Dennis Rodman where do I begin if you had told me back in the 90s that Dennis Rodman would be negotiating a nuclear arms agreement in the 2018 I would have said Dennis Rodman is alive in 2000 local comedian Dahmer era is here dumb I know your career never really took off but if you just keep doing what you’ve been doing I’m sure you’ll eventually be discovered by your landlord two weeks after your heart attack an Edward Norton I am a huge fan you are amazing Edward takes the craft of acting very seriously he prepared to play The Incredible Hulk by spending 30 years losing his temper and turning into a giant asshole Nikki Glaser you have it all the name of a professional porn star and the body of an amateur porn star you know I’m a big supporter of the meetcha movement but remember Nikki Michu shouldn’t just be what a guy says to his friend when he tells him he had sex with Nikki Glaser there are so many celebrities here tonight we have men from movies women from TV and lil rel from I’m guessing the California reasons oh and now the lovely Cybill Shepherd is here I remember years ago when I heard there was going to be a movie a TV movie about me I thought oh god no because they’re always so dreadful I was really nervous well you can imagine my relief when I found out Cybill Shepherd was going to play me I thought Cybill Shepherd great no one will see it now it’s civil isn’t it interesting that your career basically ended after that role as if you defended someone someone with power someone with vast resources and money who could cook up such a plan who could craft such a scheme it was me bitch oh hi Bruce I have great respect for our honoree Bruce Willis our roast and probably because I’ve never seen any of the movies everybody’s talking about unlike everyone here tonight I personally have a great appreciation for Bruce’s music I play it at all my parties when it’s late and I want everyone to leave immediately Bruce and I are actually neighbors we’re in the same town in Bedford he has a wonderful house the interior design is amazing he wanted everything inside to look mid-century modern except his new wife I remember when Bruce invited me to their wedding he hand-delivered the invitation and I told him I’ll catch the next one but all jokes aside Bruce I have to say that despite what everyone else has said about you tonight I think you are a good neighbor a great actor and a very very solid fuck buddy [Applause] off the Stuart kilted coming up tommye rera and Dennis Rodman roof coming for you baby congra it [Applause] our next presenter is truly perspiring dumb our era Dom is so old he’s not gonna get me – he’s gonna get ye tude please welcome Dom it rare [Applause] Wow I never thought I’d be spending a Saturday night thinking fuck I hope I don’t follow Martha Stewart and it was really good hearing Ed Norton talk about himself so much I never seen anybody roast somebody else and talk about themselves with that kind of sincerity what an arrogant motherfucker he is I’d like to beat the fuck out of him this skinny little prick I met him in the hall he fucking blew me off I never liked your work I never liked you and I gotta tell you it’s an honor to me yeah Kevin Pollak’s I love Kevin power you are amazing ladies think about it if you were Kevin’s wife you could fuck a different celebrity every night while he watches and jerks off just picture that little pathetic little pool of jizz on his Jewish stomach I can’t say Joel without bastard at the end it’s killing me in this town it’s fucking killing me over here that wouldn’t know we’re dead yeah you did a movie called primal fear it was named after the feeling he got every time he banged Courtney Love without a condom it’s a true story ladies and gentlemen it’s his single heart it’s his heart actually he dated Courtney Love but he never became famous enough for her to have him murdered Cybill Shepherd first of all simple you did great come on up here you fucking you act you’re acting a bill on Sirius and it’s an honor to meet you in her first film last picture show Sybil had sex with the star the director the producer and the writer today we call that me for Jeff Shaw it’s good to see you I’m kidding look at your face what kind of God would let that happen Jeff just bought a new house and staffed it with three personal chefs first who died of exhaustion sitting next to little Ron line I’m glad I met this guy this guy is finally getting the recognition he deserves yesterday walked to a Starbucks and the manager yelled get out I got a million of them alright okay okay that’s simply but me roasted the people I know and don’t know now I got to talk about you congratulations on the roast man and Comedy Central Roast only the best people like you Donald Trump that guy from Baywatch first I see you now and I see and I see a beautiful daughters and I said I’m so proud of you I’m so proud of you but I remember when we had nothing and we would go we will go to your house and take a bath together and we would we loved each other we would wash each other’s taints and I was made sure that he paint was taught before you went out Bruce wasn’t even the best actor in his house that me more was you know it’s funny I see you and I see you with your daughters and I see the love and there’s such beautiful girls and I think about how you never hear a father bragging about his daughters sexual prowess you know they always brag but my son’s a buck he’s a stud freshman year of college he nailed everybody boys girls dogs he didn’t give a fuck never your father brag about his daughter he ran up there that’s my daughter taking on ten guys yeah that’s my baby that’s our youngest she always loved cock the bigger the better Chili’s had men lined up around the block guys tag teaming up from behind high-five it over just field back dropping loads of air she couldn’t hear what can I tell you how she’s just like a mother that kid thank you coming up Jeff Ross Dennis Rodman little Kim wants you to sign something I thought what a Kim have big tits and black and a special appearance might give me more when the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues all right our next roaster is Dennis Rodman they call him the worm because he’s always on the sidewalk after it rains you can see them on Celebrity Rehab or flying coach to North Korea please welcome Dennis Rodman [Music] hi I’m Dennis Rodman I’m the only guy on this stage that starts a really cool shit hey ed Norton myself man ever goes by Edward and not in because he is a real dick Ed Norton was in three of my favorite things American History X Fight Club and Selma Hayek Martha Stewart I see you right there baby the next time you go to jail please call me I will secure your release and look at that guy where they have little rail looking like fucking Damon Artie’s bobblehead symbol I see you over there baby I see you silly Shepherd it sounds like a disease that you get when you’re fucking a sheep [Applause] Jeff Ross Jeff’s dick is so small it looks like I had for his nuts people been calling that Joseph a pussy all night if one more person calls Joseph a puss again I’m going to lick him for 20 minutes Bruce Willis the last time I saw you was in the strip club do you remember that I do yes yes you do and Nicky you was great on the stage baby Bruce you keep making these fucking bombs but guess what so does kim jeong-hoon but at least kim is smart enough not to release his about there saving the world you can’t even save Planet Hollywood Bruce came up with this whole idea about the Planet Hollywood you know he want to compete with the hard rock that was a great fucking idea wasn’t it so so anyway he want all this sub Hollywood friends to invest it put in hundreds of thousand dollars I’ve put in a lot of damn money you owe me more money to my fucking family I’m not here to roast you I’m here to collect honey Bruce you made a lot of bad decisions in your life and that’s coming from me I broke my dick three times I fucked Madonna without a condom I married myself and still somehow lost half of my fucking money and divorce Bruce thank you very much for inviting me to your roast it’s amazing man you know what you have done so much for this industry and you always get emotional shit no not that I look a hot little Gaza it’s just a life so like what do you a Bruce love you you’ve done so much for this industry especially for people like us as men that we don’t have the opportunity to care of the face of when we’re wrong and we make that bad decision but we have a beautiful family and your kids have to stand by you thank you for having me brother [Applause] all right so listen we actually just got word that a surprise guest has stopped by ladies and gentlemen to me more [Applause] are you surprised are you surprised Bruce Willis yes yeah I knew he would be I mean even though I went over everything yesterday I knew he’d forget [Laughter] so for those of you who don’t know me I’m Demi Moore I was married to Bruce Willis for the first three die hard movies which makes sense because the last two sucked after all these years I have to say you know what you look good I mean you still look the same from the eyebrows up but we had some great times together I mean we share it a lot I had three beautiful amazing children four if you count Bruce and then there’s the dogs and Ashton so it’s like six but you know I mean and of course you know like we did argue over the kids names and in the end Bruce won that’s how they got stuck with Willis but I have to say our daughters are incredibly well adjusted considering two of them are half Bruce Willis he is a great father I mean seriously I mean every Christmas right after he would have the girls go make him his special coffee with medicine I mean he would come down the chimney and the wife-beater t-shirt waving that gun thing yippee-ki-yay motherfuckers I mean that’s what he’s always called them and they just I love his taglines I mean but what you might not know Bruce is super I mean really generous I mean what our daughter rumor was a baby and it was his turn to change the diaper in the middle of the night he’d leaned over and whispered a tale give me a thousand dollars right now if you change that diaper of course I wouldn’t do it because well the lawyer said don’t worry we’ll take care of it we’ll get it in the end and stout Scout asked me not to say anything but just last week he offered her $1,000 to change his diaper I mean some things never change they don’t I mean we were married let’s see almost 12 years and that’s like 84 in Bruce Willis years but I was there for some special moments like groundbreaking I mean Bruce was he got his career breaking moment and pulp fiction yeah I mean it was it seemed really odd at the time I mean he’s big action star like doing a little indie film but Bruce went over to Harvey Weinstein’s hotel and I don’t know he came back swinging that ball bag and Miss Honey said I got the part I mean it’s plenty the things we do for a part like I know that I have died and cut and styled my hair and I can tell you how a million ways but not Bruce I mean that’s his real hair and ladies let me tell you the carpet to match the drapes I mean I’m not saying he’s bald down there I’m just saying whichever place you look it looks like a dick you know after our divorce he said that he considered the end of our marriage his biggest failure but Bruce don’t be so hard on yourself you have had much bigger failures I mean Planet Hollywood Hudson Hawk striking distance come on campaigning for Michael Dukakis I mean turning down Clooney’s role in Ocean’s eleven to focus on playing the harmonica I mean I mean I could go on but they said it’s a two-hour show so but you know what I look back over all the years that we’ve had together we certainly had our ups and downs but I have to say those were some of the best times of my life I just looked at our marriage like the sixth sense you were dead the whole time all kidding aside clearly all kidding aside I’m really honored to be here you are someone I truly care about you will always have a special place in my heart I’m so grateful that you’re in my life and our children’s lives and no matter what you will always be family you’ve been a great friend a great father and easily one of my top three husbands [Applause] Jeff Ross he roasts you long time motherfucker and Bruce Willis it’s brave man or beneath the money our next roaster is the roastmaster general Jeff Ross he’s done 14 Comedy Central roasts because if you do 15 you get a free pizza Jeff beyond the season premiere of roast battle after this broadcast so if you want to see how much fatter he gets by then check it out please welcome Jeff Ross [Applause] look at this beautiful crowd tonight we honor the reason the world has a Vin Diesel Bruce is a real man’s man he told me numerous times not to hold back tonight it’s been great getting to know you and your lovely family and I see uh I met rumor your daughter hi rumor I guess that’s the name your mom gives you when she’s not a hundred percent sure who your father is get a shot of that whole table it’s the beautiful circle of life Bruce your family looks like all the villains you killed off in the die hard movies what a legend Bruce Willis has been fighting terrorists since before they were Arab Bruce Willis is pro-gun Pro flag and propecia Bruce Willis you love your country so much he once said that if the people wanted it he might even run for president someday I’d make fun of you for having political aspirations but the last time I did that the fucker actually became president all night people are saying I look like you but Cybill Shepherd looks like Bruce Jenner Willis [Applause] [Music] and the little round looks like Bruce what you talking about Willis [Applause] but Bruce Willis you my friend are a total original how is it possible to look like a Nazi and a Holocaust victim look like Sir Patrick Stewart if he operated a ferris wheel [Laughter] how the fuck are you a movie star you look like a bouncer at a nursing home you’re like Elmer Fudd if he hunting bad scribbs instead of wascally wabbits this fucking guy Bruce Willis wants an Oscar so fucking bad he’s slowly morphing into one it’s crazy you went from being Hollywood’s leading man to Demi Moore looking at you and saying you know what I’d rather fuck the dumb guy from dude where’s my car but Bruce we all wish you luck with your lawsuit against the Blue Man Group [Applause] this is so much fun I mean Bruce is such a star you’ve been in some of the most iconic scenes in cinema history my favorite scene in Pulp Fiction when you save the guy from getting fucked in the ass hey Dennis at that point in the movie were you like wait who’s the bad guy again [Applause] of course your most recent film was a big bomb death wish what a fucking stinker Bruce it looked like you did your own stunts and your own lighting editing and directing OOP how about a hand for tonight’s host Joseph gordon-levitt JGL Joseph gordon-levitt the only three words more boring than gluten-free cracker thanks for dressing up Joseph you look like a lesbian on the way to prom [Applause] yeah Joseph started in third Rock from the Sun and Dennis Rodman smoked three rocks and foot of his son yeah why not give it up for our next Secretary of State my man Dennis Rodman you think kim janghoon is a nice guy and he thinks you’re Scottie Pippen my pal lil rel is here so happy for you buddy so happy Congrats on all your success and your newest film Angry Birds too good to see you’re not selling out what are you playing Jim Crow great to see Cybill Shepherd again and just like most shepherds Sybil hasn’t worked much in the last two centuries Sybil had an affair with Elvis how cool man years after their affair symbol revealed that Elvis went down on you is that true yeah all right you think a hound dog would have a better sense of smell and speaking of moonlighting Dahmer era had to cancel two shifts at macaroni grill to be here [Applause] [Laughter] Dahmer era is what you look like right before you say tomorrow I’m starting the juice cleanse kevin pollak I love you man but that Christopher Walken impression is so old Ashton Kutcher tried to marry it love you Kevin sit tight you’re gonna be big whenever Paul Giamatti dies Bruce yes you’ve accomplished so much buddy but I think it will always be your blockbuster Armageddon that serves as the greatest metaphor for your career because in the end you got destroyed by the rock us Jersey boys a race to have thick skin so I knew you’d be a great sport tonight and I wish you continued success good health and I can’t wait to see your next project die hard six natural causes [Applause] Sirois coming up Bruce Willis with a vengeance people are gonna be crying they’re gonna be laugh and apparently that’s gonna let people drink do you think that’s gonna be a problem give it up for the unbreakable unmistakable rip in this rocket Mr Hudson Harkness he’s the man of the hour Bruce [Applause] come out to the road we’ll get together and have a few laughs if you’re a fan of Bruce Willis movies and I know that you are then you know how this works I get the shit beat out of me for about an hour and a half and then at the end I come back and whip everybody’s ass so buckle up bitches this is ass whuppin time that’s what I’m talking about you know in my action movies there’s always some young punk trying to come at me and tonight it’s judas gordon-levitt Joe I took you under my wing try to make you tough try to make you an action star which ain’t easy to do with a kid who looks like the bad boy of figure skating [Applause] Joseph played a younger me in looper couldn’t pull it off there’s only one actor who successfully played me it was to me more and she made a lot more money than you did sweetheart Jeff Ross how many of these rows have you done you’ll never get successful doing the same thing over and over and over Jeff I mean I did but you can’t I’ll tell you who’s a badass up here and that is my buddy Edward Norton get the fuck up Fight Club was the perfect movie for you who doesn’t want to watch Ed Norton get punched in the face for about 90 minutes I love you I do but you do have a rep in this town for being you know hard to work with Norton’s rub more people the wrong way than Harvey Weinstein but you were great in the Italian job an Italian job is also when you titty fuck da my rarer little rel so I can get out man I love that movie if you haven’t seen it it’s about how black people are really rude houseguests and now I want to take on the toughest person up here my friend ex-con Martha Stewart yeah baby if anyone can survive in prison it’s someone who can toss us salad that’s right Martha’s a real corporate kingpin she even has her own brand of wine it’s like her boyfriend it comes in an old box Martha is also a humanitarian when she heard about the kids at the border living in tiny cages she sent them sewing machines what’s wrong with Kevin Pollak welcome to the party pal you will your whole career to the guys you impersonate you’ve made more money doing Schwarzenegger than his made and not to mention you’re better at cleaning houses Nikki Glaser I am a big fan you and Vince Vaughn were great in wedding crashers sorry you know civil Shephard my oldest friend there’s people I’ve known longer but you are my oldest friend when I got cast in moonlighting they picked me over 3,000 other actors because they wanted someone who didn’t have a sexual history with civil it’s so great to be back on TV with you honey and another show starring me [Laughter] and finally it’s so great to have the esteemed diplomat Dennis Rodman here I want to say Dennis is a bad negotiator but he thinks a shoe deal is when you get two at the same time that is howdy you and Kim jong-un communicate when neither of you speak English Dennis I know you think it’s a big deal that you saved the world but it’s not as much as it’s made up to be who cares I’ve died save the world 18 times nothing can keep me down I’ve been attacked by terrorists asteroids film critics music critics restaurant critics divorce lawyers male pattern baldness and none of it none of it stopped me because I am still Bruce fucking will people asked me why i did this.first was it because one of the last guys who did it became president hell no why would I want to be president when I can just keep being Bruce fucking Willis I did this rose for one reason and for one reason only to settle something once and for all now please listen very carefully diehard is not a Christmas movie it’s a goddamn Bruce Willis movie so yippee-ki-yay – all of you motherfuckers good night [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *