– [Dunk] People who make video game movies have no souls and should burn in fucking hell! Hey, guys!
It’s me, Dunkey. After watching this new Sonic trailer the first thought that went through my mind was: “How much money did they spend on this?” $10 dollars? $15 dollars? Well, assuming that this is on par with G-Force. They’ve spent a minimum of a $150 million dollars on this Sonic here that you are seeing. That-
That’s the one! $150 million dolla-! Now… Think about all the things you could achieve with a $150 million dollars. You could feed a village of starving children, 15 generations over. You could build and fund schools, hospitals… You could — even make a movie where the Sonic doesn’t look like my created character, from Sonic Forces. Remember back when people were angry that they made Sonic’s arms blue? Can we return to that time period? Tha-
I would even take this one, at this point! Man, I would even take this-! In video games, the person who sets the bar for everyone else is Mario. In the case of video game movies he set the bar very, very low. You kids are out here thinking that Sonic looks bad? – [Clay Davis] “Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-”
(The Wire) – [Dunk] Look at this Mario! Just the default Mario that everyone knows, right? Here he is in the movie! Here’s Yoshi! Here’s Bowser! Here’s a fuckin’ Goomba! Not a Koopa, because that’s too similar! No, that thing is a Goomba! Watching these Out-of-Touch Hollywood executives try to understand video games is like watching Tommy Wiseau try to play Dark Souls. – [Tommy] “And we wanna open the door.” “Can we?” “Is it-?” “Ohhhh!”
(frustrated) – [Dunk] Remember in the “40-Year-Old Virgin”, where Steve Carell was playing Tony Hawk in this sweet gaming chair with these giant fight sticks on each side? – [Steve] “Get some road burn, come on!” “Come on, sucka!”
(Dunkey saying it with him) – [Dunk] Shut da fuck up, Steve Carell!!! You can’t control a video game with a chair, you goddamn fucker!!! Now look at this stupid-ass Ant-Man playing Xbox with a Nintendo 64 controller. You moron! That’s the wrong one!!! Why does the Sonic from Wreck-It Ralph looks more like Sonic than the Sonic from Sonic? Ever think about that? My only theory on this is that they don’t actually have the rights to Sonic. You know?
Like they just made this entire movie without Sega’s permission and the producer had some dirt on Jim Carrey, like he killed someone in the 90s, so they blackmailed him to be Robotnik. It seems like I’m the only person on the internet who is actually disappointed with this new Sonic trailer. The people on Twitter are making all this great fan art where he looks more like the original design. There’s one where he’s the kid from Jumanji. Here’s one that teases a possible Tails spin-off.
(Laughing) They got Big Knuckles on this one for the poster. (Laughs) The Genie from Aladdin. (Laughs) So yeah, this movie looks great. Very excited to see where they go with the sequel. Maybe, uh, they’ll swap out Jim Carrey with Steve Carell, like in Evan Almighty. That would be great! [OUTRO]
♪ “Unknown from M.E. (Theme of Knuckles)” – Sonic Adventure OST ♪