The Wisdom of a Middle School Ass Man – Rachel Feinstein

The Wisdom of a Middle School Ass Man – Rachel Feinstein


I was home visiting
my parents for a while. I don’t know if anybody
feels like this, but I cannot handle my mom. She’s just too overwhelming. Like, she– Everything
about her is just too much. Like, she’s always
stopping people in public and trying to have these sort of
jazzy moments with people. Like… And they’re not having
the moments with her. That’s what we want her
to understand. She’s always wearing
some sort of a long, menopausal cape. And she just likes to
let people know that she’s very
culturally aware and just kinda down
with everything culturally. Her newest thing she’s doing
is she’s decided– She thinks when we go out
to a Latin restaurant that it’s respectful to order
in a Spanish accent. I’m like, “I don’t know where
you’ve collected this idea, “but you’re a wild asshole. Stop doing that.” (bad Spanish accent)
She’ll be like, “I’ll have
the taco al carbon.” And then there’s
actually a dance, she does some sort of
a Latin dance. We were at this restaurant, the Mexican waiter
hated my mother so much. He was just glaring at her,
like, you awful white bitch. My mom is this close
to his face going, (high-pitched)
“I love Latino culture!” (high-pitched)
She goes, “We had
a wonderful trip recently to Nicaragua.” I was like… like, “I don’t know
what that birdcall was, “but why would
the Mexican waiter “care about
your Nicaraguan trip? Just stop.” (high-pitched)
She goes, “We loved
the people there. “We found them so inspiring. They had these large,
brown curious eyes.” “They– they sit by
the side of the road “in these little clusters. “Um… these beautiful,
young child slaves “and all you do
is give ’em a quarter. “They’ll make
anything for you. “Any marvelous,
indigenous piece, “they just weave it up
for you. My mom hates that joke
so much. My mom hates it,
she’s always like, (high-pitched)
“Can you please take that one
out of your talent show?” That’s what she calls
my standup. My “talent show.” (high-pitched)
She goes, “I do not
support child slavery and I’d like it removed from
the talent show immediately.” I’m like, yes, you do,
you white bitch. She’s just
aggressively liberal. Like, her dream in life is if I would marry
a Nigerian lesbian. That’s all she wants. She was just praying
that one of us was gay. She was just sitting in
the kitchen waiting, just like, (high-pitched)
“There’s cocoa
if anyone’s gay and wants to talk about it!” I was a weird kid. I was just, like,
awkward, you know, like, one of my breasts
grew before the other. I had, like, a starter tit,
which is not a hot look for a girl. There was this one guy Rob,
like, I liked him so much. And I remember my friend
called him on the phone and I was, like,
listening in just… It was the most important
moment of my life. And she just goes,
“What do you give Rachel on a score from one to ten?” (lowered)
And he goes,
“Probably like a four. You mean the girl
with the lazy tit right?” And then he goes, “There’s
something gross about her, but I, like, can’t
put my finger on it.” Which is so much worse
than, like, she’s ugly or, like,
she’s a dog. It’s like, he’s actually
trying to get to the bottom of what’s so specifically
foul about me. He’s on some sort of
a personal contemplative journey to figure it out. I was devastated. And then, um, I went up to
this other guy at my school, um, and I was
like really upset. And I’m like, “Andre,
I don’t know if you heard, “like, Rob say, like,
a lazy tit, so that means he definitely
doesn’t like me? Is that–” And he goes– He got real serious,
I’ll never forget this moment. He just looks at me and he goes,
(lowered) “Don’t worry, nothing in life matters
but the ass, that’s it.” He talked like Shaq
for some reason. I was like, “Really? Okay.”
And then he goes, (lowered)
“Little boys think
that tits matter, but adult men know that
ass matters, that’s all.” I’m like,
“But you’re 14. You’re not an adult.” (lowered)
He goes, “I want the kind
of ass, you know, “you just gotta wrangle with. “I want the kind of ass
that’s unruly. “I want the kinda ass
you gotta take down. “I want an ass
that just disagrees “with the rest of the body. “The ass I want is
gonna scare me at first. “I’m gonna be real scared. “I want an ass that
challenges me, you know, “I gotta take it down,
with, like, a bow and arrow or some shit.” Like, “That’s enough examples
for now, Andre, thank you.” (lowered)
Then he goes, “I’ll be outside
during recess on booty watch if you want to sit with me.” And he did, he had,
like, a station outside our middle school
where he would just watch asses. That’s how he spent
his lunch break. He would just sit outside
on, like, a folding chair with, like,
a two-liter and a hoagie and a towel on his shoulder. Like watching asses
was a sport that could potentially
exhaust him somehow. Like he’d need to
wipe himself down after just viewing asses. But I sat with him,
and then, like, he saw the ass he was searching for. He’s like, “Shh, shh, shh.” I’m like… Like, there was a risk
of us waking the ass up. Like, it was… We were gonna
rouse it somehow. But whenever I was sad,
his– his advice always came back to ass,
even if it wasn’t appropriate. Like, I’d be like,
“I don’t know if you heard, but my grandma died.” (lowered) He’d be like,
“I know that’s upsetting, “but I just wanna
let you know that you’re thicker
than a Snicker.” I’m like,
“That’s not helpful.”

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  1. Hey Rachel do you remember when you did a show in Charlotte North Carolina and somebody walked in on you while you were in the dressing room?
    Well that was me, I'm sorry I could not find the restroom and accidentally went through the door leading to your dressing room.
    Let me tell you, You still look as good as you did the day I saw you in that dressing room. Meow ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜

  2. Fine and funny. Um um um I want her๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿฝโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿฝ

  3. I know there was plenty wrong with that kid, so this probably isn't the least of his problems, but… Why is he 14 and in middle school? That's like a freshman or sophomore age, haha.

  4. h3ll y3ah…
    lov3 the curlz…
    and everything else 2…
    and shes very funny…
    got uh freaky first name…
    a jewish last name…
    and is latino…
    hilariouz…

  5. Just like her joke about the guy.. I can't quite put my finger on why this set isn't very funny. Which is odd, because I totally relate to the first part about her mom being rude as hell in Hispanic restaurants. My mom is the same way. Idk, maybe its the voices.

  6. 4:21 I guarantee that if someone were to edit Bernie Sanders and have this as a voice over, 80% of the people who watched it would think its real

  7. "There's coco if you're gay, and want to talk about it!"
    I wish my parents were that liberal. Lol! Great laugh.

  8. ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜ She is fucking gorgeous!!!! ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

  9. I like her but she is kinda perfectly what republicans would like. Her content was shading liberals, annoying gay comment also about liberals, and then she just talked about boys. While looking really attractive, cause otherwise yโ€™all wouldnโ€™t respect her as much. She did nothing wrong but just played by the book a little too comfortably

  10. Ok her heels… something is going on with them. They're way too big and hot pink. Something tells me they gave them to her backstage because her heel broke on her actual shoes.

  11. The hot cocoa joke is from like 3 years ago, is she gonna get new material? ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™‚๏ธ

  12. I feel like I'm Andre in this story, because that is exactly what I would say to a big bottom Jewish girl.

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