This Is U.S. | The Daily Show

This Is U.S. | The Daily Show


male announcer:
From Comedy Central’s
World News Headquarters
in New York,
“The Daily Show
with Trevor Noah” presents…
[folksy music]♪ ♪– Gender is a complicated topic
these days. And gender reveal parties are
just adding fuel to the fire.– “The Arizona Star” has new
video showing
an explosion at a border
agent’s gender reveal party
that apparently sparked the
2017 Sawmill Wildfire.
Agent Dennis Dickey admitted
to accidentally
starting this firethat burned 47,000 acres
in the Santa Rita Mountains.
– He was sentenced to five
years’ probation
and ordered to pay restitution
of more than $8 million.
– Damn. The guy was trying to have a
gender reveal party and ended up burning down a
forest. That’s like, “Congratulations.
It’s a lawsuit.” Like, these gender reveal
things are getting out of
control because when it started,
it was just, like, popping a balloon. Now people are setting off
explosions, like it’s a bomb. You’re setting off a bomb. It’s gotten so violent, I feel like we’re a month away
from a gender reveal drive-by shooting. It’s a girl, mother[bleep]! [imitates gunfire] Ah! Enjoy it!
They grow up so fast!♪ ♪We all love grandma’s cookies, but one student in California took it a little too far. – Davis police are
investigating a bizarre incident that
allegedly happened at a high school. A male student claims he saw a
girl pass out cookies,saying that she’d used her
grandmother’s ashes
to bake them.– Officers believe as many as
nine students
at DaVinci Charter Academy
High School
ate the cookies,some who knew what was
allegedly in them.
– Now, I know–
I know– I know you might be thinking
that this is disgusting; those kids ate the cookies
knowing that there were granny ashes inside of them, but don’t judge them. These are cookies, okay? You would have to be a
psychopath to turn down
cookies. Like, I don’t know about you,
but I love cookies. If you offer me cookies, I’m always gonna eat them,
all right? You’re like,
“But they contain ashes.” Okay, but do they contain
cookies? Yeah. Then we’re good. You–if you give me cookies and
tell me that there might be dog poop inside them,
I’ll eat around. I’ll just be like, “Yeah, I’ll
eat around the dog poop.” I’ll just put it on one piece. I’ll be like, “That’s the piece
with the poop.” And you’re like, “Oh, how do
you know that’s the piece with the poop?”
Good point. I might as well eat that too,
then. I might as well eat it all.
It’s cookies. What I am worried about is, what if these grandma ash
cookies are the best cookies these kids
have ever had? Then they’re gonna get
addicted. Then one of the other grandmas
is gonna walk in the room, be like, “Hey, boys, what are
you doing?” They’ll be like,
“Hello, grandmother.” [imitates Hannibal Lecter]♪ ♪Halloween is almost here. And if you are an older kid
planning to go out, you’re in for a treat. – How old is too old
to trick-or-treat? Well, if you happen to be in
Virginia on October the 31st, the answer is 12 years.Several towns in Eastern
Virginia
have laws that make it illegalto trick-or-treat if you’re
older than the age of 12.
In fact, it’s a misdemeanor.And it comes with a fine
between $25 and $100,
and it could also lean up to
six months in jail.
– Yes. Yes, you heard that right. Some towns in Virginia are
planning to arrest any kids who
trick-or-treat over the age of 12. Imagine that. Six months in jail for a
13-year-old who wanted to dress up. I mean, don’t get me wrong. The mugshots would be pretty
dope. Uh. And getting arrested in a
costume might not be the worst thing, because at
least when you walk into jail, all the other inmates will be
like, “Who’s the new guy? Oh, shit, it’s Dracula!”♪ ♪For all those nervous parents
who worry every time they put their kids on the
school bus in the morning, you were right. – A school bus driver caught on
camera allowing students as young as
11 to steer the bus.Parents are demanding answers
as the driver faces charges.
– By the time McAtee showed
up at the School Bus Board
to pick up her next check,police were there waiting,
arresting her
and charging her with neglect
of a dependent.
– Wow, she was charged?
What a bunch of haters, man. Yo, that driver made school
fun. You think those kids will ever
miss school ever again? Those kids are like, “Can we do
this every day?” And as a bonus,
it’s job training. Huh? Where do you think the
next generation of bus drivers is coming from? Not all your kids are going to
Harvard, people. This is an amazing story. And I know people are like, “Oh, Trevor, what if they
crashed that bus?” Well, they didn’t, okay? So it seems to me like that driver was doing a
good job of teaching them. Because also, you read about
school bus crashes all the time. How many of those were driven
by kids? None, so I rest my case.♪ ♪Here’s an adorable story about old people living their
best life. – Few people, now, they would
list nature’s most cuddly creatures as maybe a puppy
or maybe a koala bear, right? Alligators?
That on your list?– No.
– This one is registered
as an emotional support
animal.
His name is Wally.
4 1/2 feet long.
Do you hug an alligator?– Yeah.
– I don’t know.
He lives in York,
Pennsylvania,
and his owner telling the
“York Daily Record”
that Wally is remarkably
well-tempered
and enjoys being petted just
like a dog or a cat.
– Yo, white people are having a
good time in America. You’re gonna take an alligator to an assisted living facility? And of course that alligator
“enjoys being petted.” I’d be happy too if my food
came right to me and gave me a massage. Like. The one thing I will admit,
though, is this may be a genius idea, because you know
how they say the secret to preventing
dementia is to do things that stimulate
the brain? Well, nothing stimulates
the brain like having an alligator
around. I can tell you now: every single person in this
retirement home is gonna be sharp as a tack. Yeah, there’s
not gonna be like, “I don’t know
where my glasses are.” It’s gonna be like, “Where did
you leave your glasses, Margaret?” She’ll be like,
“In the bathroom where the alligator
was.” That’s where the glasses are. People walking, like,
“Gertrude, do you know who this is
that’s come to visit?” “Yeah, it’s my one-armed
granddaughter, the one who was bitten
by an alligator!”[folksy music]♪ ♪– America is having
a big fight right now over historic statues. Do you tear them down?
Do you leave them up? Well, someone in Georgia came
up with a third option. – A prank in Georgia is not
going over well with police.Someone put googly eyes
on a statue of
Nathanael Greene in Savannah.Greene is a general from the
American Revolutionary War.
Savannah Police posted a
photo on Facebook Thursday,
saying, “Harming historic
monuments
“is no laughing matter.In fact, it’s a crime.”– [laughing] Oh. Well played. Well played. You know what’s so funny is that’s how he would look if he
were alive today. He’d be like,
“Is that a black lawyer?” And this was one of those
stories that news coverage doesn’t help.
Like, if you want to find
a murderer, yeah, get his mugshot on the news, but if you want to stop people from putting googly eyes
on statues, don’t show them
how funny it is. Because until I saw this story, that thought never crossed
my mind. Now I’m like, “Huh. What if we also add a mustache?
Yes.”♪ ♪If you ever had someone make
fun of your name, trust me,
it could have been worse.– For a Texas woman and her
five-year-old daughter,
a Southwest Airlines
flight home
turned into a social media
nightmare.
Traci Redford says her
daughter’s unique name
caught the attention of a
Southwest Airlines gate agent.
This is Abcde.But her name is spelled
A-B-C-D-E.
– The girl’s mother says the
agent made fun of the name and even posted a photo of her
boarding pass on social media for others to chime in. – Okay, you know what,
first of all, I think this mother is right. What Southwest did is not cool. Because honestly, if you’re
Southwest Airlines, where do you get off making fun
of anybody else? You’re named after a direction. That’s not a great name. You’re practically the worst
airline there is. Like, if it weren’t for Spirit,
you’d be Spirit. And, yes, United dragged
someone off a plane, but at least they wanted to be
on a United plane in the first place. You wanna fly Southwest? You ask for a water, they say,
“Suck your spit. Shut up.” So, no, that Southwest employee should
not have publicly made fun of this girl’s name. But at the same time… At the same time, why would a parent name
their child A-B-C-D-E? You’re supposed to name your
child after her grandmother, not after her grandmother’s
Facebook password. And, honestly, it was only
a matter of time before this little girl
discovered that she had an unusual name. I mean, she probably
figured it out as soon as she boarded
the plane. She was trying to find her
seat, like, “A, B, C–Wait a minute! “Wait a minute! I’m in all the seats!”♪ ♪The Holland Tunnel. Right here in New York City. It’s one of the most
frustrating tunnels to drive through. But not everyone hates it
for the same reason. – A New Jersey man is taking
on the Port Authority. He is not happy with how
they’ve decked the halls at the Holland Tunnel, and he wants the decorations
to be changed.– On the New Jersey side
of the Holland Tunnel,
a wreath covers the O in
Holland perfectly
this time of year,like it was designed
for that spot.
Another wreath covers the U
in Tunnel snugly.
And then there’s the tree.– You’re creeping up,
inch by inch,
and that tree is just
staring at you, and you go, “How is that not in
the right place?”– The right place for the
tree,
Cory Windelspecht says,is over the preceding A,which would, he says…– Seems to fit a tree shape
perfectly. – Yo, yo, ladies, ladies, find you a man
who cares about you as much as this guy cares about
the Holland Tunnel’s Christmas decorations. Now, this guy’s been so
serious, and he’s pushed so hard, that the state has said they’re
actually gonna consider changing the decorations. But I can only imagine all the
New Jersey bureaucracy that’s gonna be involved. You know? It’s gonna be people in New
Jersey being like, “You got to fill out form
W-7J,” but because it’s Jersey,
it’s gonna be, like, on the form, “You got a
[bleep] problem, tough guy?” Followed by form J-27, where you explain, “Wait,
you know little Anthony?” “If yes, from the old
neighborhood? No kidding. His ma used to make the best
chicken cutlets.”♪ ♪– A federal judge rules
New York’s statewide ban on nunchucks is
unconstitutional under the Second Amendment. The ban on the martial arts
weapon was adopted in 1974. There were fears the popularity
of Kung Fu films would lead to criminals,
especially young gang members, using nunchucks. – Yes. Do you hear that, people?
Nunchucks are back, baby! They’re back! Back! What! I feel like
I’m 14 years old again. Gonna go out and buy some
nunchucks and then go home
and masturbate furiously. And all of this is happening,
thanks to the lawsuit of one very committed
New Yorker. Cowabunga, dude. Thank you. I will say– I will say, New York clearly has its
priorities off. Like, it’s taking forever to
legalize weed, but nunchucks are now fair
game? Like, of all the cities in
America, New York is the worst place to
legalize nunchucks. Everyone is already highly
strung. And now you’re throwing in
ninja tools? Like, subway fights are about
to get real. Like, the only good thing about
New York is that it’s maybe too crowded to actually pull your arm out. So people are gonna be
in the train, like, “Man, if I had two–
ooh, if I had two feet. “Oh, man, like, you– “Oh, you–oh, and you [bleep]
off lady. “I will be–oh, I swear to God. “Once the train clears out
after Canal Street, “I’ma kick all y’all ass. For now, I’m just gonna make
the Bruce Lee sounds.” Wah! Wah! Wah! I will say, though, like, the one benefit of nunchucks is that it’s the only weapon
that hurts the user more than the victim.
I like that. Yeah. It just be, like,
someone mugging you, like, give me all you mo–
give me–ah. Ah–give me all your–
ah, ah, ah. Yeah, if I’m in
a nunchuck mugging, there’s a 50% chance that I’m walking away with
his watch. I like that.♪ ♪– Next month, Colorado will
vote on changing the language in its state constitution so that it no longer
allows slavery as a form of punishment.Slavery is technically still
legal in many states,
including Colorado.Part of Colorado’s
constitution
reads that “There shall never
be in this state
“either slavery
or involuntary servitude
except as a punishment
for crime.”
Amendment A, on the ballot
this year,
would change the last part
to abolish slavery
completely.– Yo, America… America is real shady. You brag about ending slavery, but then you keep it
in the fine print? Like, when Abraham Lincoln
wrote the Emancipation Proclamation,
I didn’t know he was like,“All persons held as slaves
henceforth shall be freed…
“Terms and conditions apply.
Freed persons may be
“reinstated as punishment
for crime for work.
“Really work them cheap
and fast.
We’re gonna get
the people working.”
That’s a slick move.[folksy music]♪ ♪– Florida.God’s waiting room.It’s home to theme parks,
the Everglades,
your peepaw.And of course, Florida Man.– Police report before
committing a sexual act
on a tree,
yelling he was a god.
– Was trying to start a fire
with spaghetti sauce.
– Was karate-kicking
those birds.
– Attacked two people.– Every week, there’s a new
headline out of Florida–
wild, shocking,unnecessarily sexual.– Masturbating at a bus stoptold police he was
Captain Kirk.– But have we ever stopped to
ask the question,
why?Something’s happening to men
in Florida.
And it can’t just be
a coincidence.
As a future Pulitzer-winning
journalist,
it’s my responsibility
to uncover the truth,
to reveal what lies
beneath the swamp,
to answer the question,what makes a man
Florida Man?
– A Florida man…
– Florida man…
– Florida man…
– Florida man…
– Florida man…
– A Florida man…
– A Florida man…– First thing I did was some
heavy back-channeling, mostly on Craigslist
and Facebook. I needed to locate some of
these real-life Florida men.First up is Robby.Last July, he ran
into a liquor store
with a live
alligator for some reason.
– Florida man Robby Stratton
decided to bring
an alligator with him while
making a beer run.
– Yeah, I definitely regret it. It was stupid. – Talk to me about the
night that you became
Florida Man. – I can’t really tell
you much about that night. There was too much alcohol
involved that night. – Not just alcohol, though. It’s… There’s probably
a deep-rooted conspiracy. – No. It was alcohol. – But isn’t there something
that all Florida men share? There’s something behind it. – Mental health issues?– No, that couldn’t be it.And this wasn’t
the only man affected.
– He’s been hit with charges
after pictures in this video
showing him handling an
alligator,
which he posted,
were seen by law enforcement.
– My real name Jordan Bedford, but I go by The Alligator Man. – Okay. Um, Alligator Man, what’s the common factor
among all Florida men? – We all different. Well, I’m different
from the rest. Because I do the wrong thing
in the right way, if that makes sense. – No.
– No? See, you’re not from Florida. So you don’t understand
my language, what I’m talking right now, but I do the wild things. Anything you think of,
I’ll probably do it. Can’t–like I tell you–
– Anything? – Anything.
I catch gators. – Anything?
– Anything. Well, not anything. – Oh.
– But basically anything. When it comes
to the reptile animals. Mainly the alligators, though. We’re, like, here in Florida. You’re not allowed
to catch an alligator. I mean, I didn’t know that
before, but I know now. I just had a little fun,
put him on a leash, and danced with
the last one they seen. – What kind of dancing did you
do with the alligator? – The Alligator Man dance.You gotta kick your feet.Spell alligator in the sand
as you dancing.
As you going around,
you spelling alligator,
and ending with the stomp.The Alligator Man got a
commercial too. – You have a commercial? – He got a commercial.
He got a theme song. Everybody sing like… ♪ Na, na, na-na-na,
it’s the Alligator Man ♪ – That is 100%
the McDonald’s jingle. – Well, it’s the
Alligator Man song now. – I see what you’re saying
about doing the wrong thing in the right way
and how it works. – It work. – Where do you find alligators
in Florida? – If there’s a lake,
there’s a gator. I promise you. There’s gators everywhere. – These chairs are very hard
to get up out of. – She gone.– I was heading towards
some new ideas.
There had to be
a common thread.
What was I missing?There was something different
about this state.
So many Florida Man stories
filling the news.
Did Florida reporters know
something I didn’t?
I went to an undisclosed
orange grove
to meet a very casually
dressed journalist
to find out.What can you tell me about
these Florida Man stories? – I mean, they are true. People do weird things here in
Florida. And it gets into the news. – Yeah, no shit.
– Yeah. A major factor
is that we went from being the least populated
Southern state in 1940 to now being the third most
populous state in the country. – Sure.
– We’ve got…– This nerd knew a lot
about Florida.
And while he mostly rambled,I was connecting the dots.– Tons of homes everywhere
where there used to be just wilderness. – If there’s a lake,
there’s a gator. – 49th among the states
in funding for mental health treatment.
– Mental health issues? – Another big factor is
Florida was the first state in the nation to pass
this landmark law called The Sunshine Act that says that basically
any government document is available for reporters
to go in and see. Police reports, for instance, are all open for inspection.– And that’s when it hit me.The missing piece
of the puzzle.
– By a guy named Emory–
– Shh–shut up. Shut up. That’s it!
– What’s it? – It’s the Sunshine Act. – Yeah. – It’s not what causes
Florida Man. It’s why we hear
about Florida Man. – Yeah.
Pretty much. – I just figured it out
all by myself. I’m a [bleep] genius.Florida Man has been the butt
of countless jokes.
But maybe that’s not fair.The Sunshine Act makes it
easier to discover
Florida Man stories.But I was just scratching
the surface.
We may not hear about them as
much,
but it turns out
there are Florida Men
in every state.– He tried to shoot the moon.
– A dog shoots its owner.
– Masturbating
at “The Emoji Movie.”
– And while Florida will
always be
America’s petri dish of
batshit behavior,
the truth is:there’s a little Florida Man
in all of us.
[folksy music]♪ ♪– Big news from the world of
sports. The Saints, the Rams,
the Chiefs, and the Patriots are all moving onto the
Conference Championships. And while these teams are
moving on, Chicago is stuck in the past. – Chicago still reeling. We saw the game,
from Cody Parkey’s missed field goal–ahh–
at last week’s Bears/Eagles playoff game. That knocked Chicago out
of the playoffs. So much in fact that
a Chicago brewery sponsored the Parkey Challenge,where 101 people lined upand attempted a 43-yard field
goal.
– Fan after fan continued
to try to kick their way
for a successful field goal,many of them falling down
or kicking the stand
in the process.crowd: Ohh! – Whoever came up with this
idea is a genius. Yeah, no, you know why?
You know why? Because sports fans always act like they could have
won the game, right? When they’re barely winning
in life. You people sitting
at home like, “You idiot! You should have
passed the ball “earlier, God damn it. Mom! My hand is stuck in the
Pringles can again!” I think we should do this for
everything. Everyone that has too much of
this when they don’t do the job. Be like, “Oh, that pilot’s landing
was horrible.” All right, Sully, why don’t you
take the controls? “No, if I was Thor,
I would have gotten Thanos in the head.” Well, it’s funny you say that, because Thanos is outside
right now. Why don’t you take that axe
and prove it? “Oh, I would, but my hand is
stuck in this Pringles can.” But easily, easily my favorite
attempt at the field goal was this one. crowd: Ohh! – [laughs] Oh, man. The bright yellow vest was not
the protection that man needed. And now his balls have
a concussion.

Only registered users can comment.

  1. Emancipation Proclamation did have fine print: it only freed slaves in rebellious states, so only in the Confederacy, not the Union. Lincoln didn't want to anger Union slave states. And of course, the Confederacy wasn't going to listen to the Union's proclamation, so the Emancipation Proclamation freed exactly no one.

  2. Bitch drinking orange juice straight-up from a gallon ….only Florida man , and California man understand that.
    You got to be FL man or CA man to understand the joke.

  3. Coming from Florida, have to say most of the time craziness happens, because all those people decide to come the FL for the summer

  4. The reason that bush fires start because of even the smallest sparks lays mostly in fact that climate change causes many long lasting droughts. So the real fire starters are the industrialist, their financiers and the governments (including their voters) that didn't make laws to stop the industrialists.

  5. Are you trying to make people shoot themselves or other people with your jokes

    The generation that listens to you is going to pretend that the wars that are coming if any are all fought with rubber guns

    They're going to be laughing Into The Stockade

  6. β€œLook Mike, I’m gonna do a gender reveal. It’s gonna explode and stuff and the colour comes out. Very cool. We’re gonna do it in grass and near trees. Yes.”

  7. You’re killing it Trevor and making us so proud πŸ‡ΏπŸ‡¦πŸ‡ΏπŸ‡¦πŸ‡ΏπŸ‡¦πŸ’ƒπŸ½πŸ’•πŸŽ‰

  8. I don't understand this tread of legalizing AR-15's all over the place while banning nunchucks, butterfly knives, switch blades etc. It's stupid.

  9. "This is my girl Abcde….no Karen its pronounced Ab-soh-dee. And this is my boy Pqrst……its not that hard, Karen, its pronounced Pe-q-r-ist". God, why is that funny?

  10. https://youtu.be/5NsrwH9I9vE
    How can you make him your President? You American are like Donald Trump..😌 So sad for the whole world… Please choose your leader Intelligently..

  11. oh my god, so late on watching all these, the cookie story totally made my morning, the end comment he made 🀣
    disclosure I do not condone eating literal grandma cookies πŸ˜‹ really tho, OMG wtf!?

  12. I wouldn't think that was so bad they always do that stuff in the she's in a licensed experience technician in close proximity at their basic age I used to play music listen to music watch TV and be on the the internet while doing my homework all at the same time and though it was involuntarily on the owner's behalf I drove a little bit LOL but I understand the concernit would be a lot of issues if an odd scenario should pop up and people should get hurt

  13. It's so funny to me that there's laws about fucking trick or treating but guns laws?nah that's not necessary….what a country of retards.

  14. Virginia seems like its trying to give Florida a run for it's crazy title….. Or maybe Pennsylvania is trying to win the title.

  15. if the bus incident happened with a white man then this shity black man would have said oh look what an idiot white man, playing with the lives of children, but no this was one shity, black women, so the shity Trevor is saying ooo poor black women, if I was instead of those parents I would have sued this shity lady and Trevor and put them into prison,

  16. Yo oogly eyes on ststues might be the new trend, I'm from BOston…swear I saw this and got tah thinkin, I'm willing to catch a petty charge for it. Have my bail money ready lol, tooo good.

  17. What the literal fuck So a teen who has brain damage or born with a mental disability and they are mentally much younger then their age can't go trick or treating and have fun with the other kids

  18. Oh please that alligator is so small and harmless! I would love this if I was an old bugger bored out of my mind. β™₯️

  19. Imagine the Abcde girl in Starbucks
    What’s your name
    It’s Abcde
    Ok
    A few minutes later,
    Umm, A b c d e?
    Here!

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