Toh… Maine Job Chhod Di | E02 • Train of Thought | Stand-up Comedy by Shashwat Maheshwari
He said “I reject your resignation”
I said, “Fine by me, keep sending me the salary. I’m leaving.” Do whatever pleases you. Idiot Most of my friends, work. I’m the only one without a job. So my maid complains to me about groceries all day. How did you assume I’m responsible? I’ve noticed, whenever there is a long weekend, my friends go mad! We’ll go to Lonavala! Now, I had quit my job 3 years ago on a Friday. So technically, my long weekend is still going strong. Mine’s just really long. People want to go to Lonavala? I can go to Mars. I have all the time. People give me the credit I don’t even deserve. They say, “You had a good job.” “You went to a good college” “And then you quit all that to follow your passion. Bravo!” Then I show them my marks. Then they’re like, okay, you didn’t have a choice! Just because I quit my job doesn’t mean I was good at it. I sucked at that too. I randomly handed my resignation to my boss one day. He said, “Oh listen, even we were gonna fire you” I said, “Could be. But I resigned before that. So I win. This is like a relationship, whoever acts first, is the winner. That hurt his ego. He said, “No. I reject your resignation” I said, “That was a rhetorical question.” I’m leaving! Are you North Korea? How can you stop someone from leaving? I’m not entering. I’m leaving! Reject my resignation? Cool then, I’m gonna leave anyway, but you can keep paying me the salary. Whatever floats your boat, man. Idiot He says, “No, you’ve to come on Monday. For a meeting. Then we’ll decide.” I said, “I’ve worked here for 3 years. Did I ever attend a meeting?” Why do you think I’ll start now? I used to work from home at another place. My boss called me once and said,” Shashwat you are a good employee. And an asset to the company” But because of the WFH situation there is a huge communication gap. So, we’ll have to let you go, I hope you understand. I said I completely understand. Because I quit 3 months ago. I didn’t send a mail. Eh, communication gap. I hope you understand. He said, “I’ll ruin your career.” “There is no career left to ruin, sir.” I’m going to have Pav Bhaji every day. What will you do? Squeeze a lemon in it? I get to do this for a living. I’m really happy. My parents are not that happy. My father came to my show once. Started heckling me. He’s my dad. He’s saying, “Nah. You’re not funny. You’ve been at this for 6 years. You haven’t perfected it still?” You think I’ll be perfect at something in 6 years? I’ve been bathing every day for 28 years. I still miss a spot behind my ear. Forget bathing. I’m not perfect at breathing apparently. I went to a meditation class. The instructor gave me breathing exercises. That thing, that I’ve been doing every moment. without fail, all my life… I’m not good at that either? “You need to practice breathing because you’re bad at it”, he says. This instructor is on the stage with a mic- Shouting “breathe in, breathe out” You need to tell people that? Who is doing THAT wrong? Who is ONLY breathing in, turning purple and dying? Who is that idiot? The other students are going crazy! What? in AND out? Slow down, sir. Don’t let all the secrets out in the first class. Spread it out. You have 10 more sessions to go. We’re such a stupid generation that we need to relearn breathing? Our ancestors invented(?) fire. They had such high expectations from us. If someone told them… That they are going to take tuitions for breathing… They would have jumped into the very fire they invented. I have a horrible lifestyle. I’m lazy. I just keep lying in the bed all day. I was on a strict bed-rest for a month. My flatmates never figured it out. They’d even come check on me. “What, he’s still on the bed? Cool, then it’s normal. I wear a fitbit so they can check on my pulse easily. I don’t want people to know about my death from the smell of my rotting body. I’m already so lazy. On top of that Netflix adds 10 new shows every day. They’ve ruined my career. By the time I finish one show, they increase the syllabus. I’ve finished all Hindi and English shows. They added Israeli shows now! My girlfriend told me I sleeptalk in Hebrew. “Tell them! They keep adding shows, I keep watching.” Indian shows are all about quantity. They’ll put 1000s of episodes. Tarak Mehta ka ultah chashma? It has over 1500 episodes now. They don’t write a script. They just record whatever is happening on the sets. The actor is watching TV. I’m watching him watch TV. I saw another show on that show for an hour. Then we complain about American shows being better. They have so much to tap into. American culture is different. I was watching an American show. It was a romantic scene. The woman took her wedding ring off. Now what that means is, they’ll have sex. It’s obvious. She takes her wedding ring off, to put the wedding aside for some time. To cheat. American audience knows this. Thye don’t even have to show the sex scene. It’s understood. But Indians want to see the scene so we’re cheering her to take all rings off. Remove your toe rings also, if you have them on. You can’t do this for an Indian show. If an Indian actor removes her wedding ring during an intimate scene. Our Indian audience will be so confused! Why is she going to knead dough right now? This is lunacy! The chapatis can wait! Do the sex thing first! We’re waiting for the sex scene and she wants to fry fritters? You shouldn’t fry stuff naked, woman! Some tall people act way taller than they are. I understand that you’re tall, but you don’t have to crouch under a BRIDGE! You’re not THAT tall. You’re not a dinosaur.